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70. Understanding Order in Family Constellations with Tracy Cartwright · Constellations and all that...

• 0:00
  Kiona and welcome to Constellations and all that.
• 0:03
  I'm your host, Tracy Cartwright, and together we will be exploring the world of family constellations with facilitators for and clients from around the world, looking at different perspectives and experiences in the work, having a cup of tea, and just chatting with some friends around their experiences in constellations.
• 0:23
  We'd love for you to join us.
• 0:25
  I hope that you enjoy this series as much as I have loved making it.
• 0:34
  Welcome to Constellations and all that.
• 0:37
  Today I'm going to be sharing a little bit with you around order.
• 0:42
  Um, you may remember a while ago I shared with you around belonging.
• 0:47
  So, belonging order and balance are three of the, um.
• 0:54
  Along with other things, but three of the main structures of, of family constellations, it's part of the, the framework I suppose you would call it.
• 1:03
  Now before we start, if you are driving a vehicle, um, or operating machinery, while you are listening to this, we are gonna be doing some exercises a bit later.
• 1:15
  So maybe putting the idea of the exercise aside until you're in a space where you can, um, do this safely.
• 1:23
  And if you are listening to this, maybe you are doing the dishes or, or being creative or doing something else, just taking some time out for yourself, and you're listening to this or watching it on YouTube invitation is to gather a few objects together enough for the, your immediate family system, so your mother, your father, your siblings, and maybe maybe getting a few extras just in case.
• 1:51
  So these objects could be pieces of paper you could use, um, some post-it notes or some rocks, pillows, books, whatever they, it's just the placeholders.
• 2:04
  We're gonna put that aside.
• 2:06
  So I just wanna read you something here from Bert Inger and then he says, when the orders of love have been restored in our family system, the individuals can go beyond the family.
• 2:20
  Then they feel the strength of the family come from behind them.
• 2:25
  When the connectedness in the family is acknowledged, the responsibilities are seen and shared clearly, the individual feels relieved.
• 2:36
  Now they can follow their own individuality without being burdened and caught by what went on before them.
• 2:46
  So in there families.
• 2:48
  In our family soul, in our system, there are natural orders, and this has been something that has been observed for thousands of years.
• 2:59
  Again, helling is suggests that love can flow more freely in the family.
• 3:04
  When the orders of love are respected, the orders of love are not to be viewed as absolute rules, but as guidelines that come from thousands of years of human experience.
• 3:17
  There is great love and great pain in every family, and both the love and the pain can be, sometimes they can obscure the orders of things, so we have a natural order of the parents give and the children receive.
• 3:41
  Now that can be, um.
• 3:44
  Sometimes people think, oh, that's a little bit children should, should give as well, but, and we're talking about the natural flow of things.
• 3:53
  So the parents give love, they give shelter, they give food, they give all the necessities for you to grow.
• 4:02
  And I know that not all of us have experienced that.
• 4:05
  Through the trauma that flows down through the intergenerational trauma that flows down through our family systems, and maybe our parents weren't able to, or one or both of our parents weren't able to, to give that freely.
• 4:20
  It's not to say that deep down that there wasn't the desire, but the reality was that that wasn't showing up in in life.
• 4:31
  So when a child gives and gives to the parents.
• 4:36
  Maybe they're experiencing that their parents can't give to them.
• 4:40
  That puts the order of love out of flow.
• 4:44
  It's like the water flowing upstream rather than downstream.
• 4:48
  So when the, the natural order of the parents giving the flow is flowing downstream with ease.
• 4:56
  It's coming for them, it's coming from their ancestors and it's flowing through them and down to the children.
• 5:02
  So if you are a parent yourself.
• 5:05
  Just feel into that, that what it is that flows through you to your children.
• 5:12
  And imagine if your children were giving back to try and fill a space that wasn't, that felt that there was something that was missing.
• 5:22
  And that's why this work is so valuable.
• 5:25
  It allows us to find and to step back into the natural flow of things.
• 5:33
  So when a child receives well in their time, they can move on and they can give to their children in the future, in return.
• 5:43
  And sometimes it happens that a child has to mind their parents, and a child often willingly does this, but in a general way, it can prove to be a great burden for the child.
• 5:55
  He or she is being asked to carry too much.
• 6:01
  And we see this effects, it burdens the whole family system.
• 6:08
  The child has to grow up too soon and this often shows up when a parent is stuck in trauma and the child is, has to become their parent, which is when we parent I, we parent I our parents.
• 6:28
  Another order with constellations is precedents.
• 6:31
  So those who came first in the birth order, say for example, you are the eldest child and you have a couple of younger siblings, but then you discover later on that maybe mom or dad had a child from a previous relationship that then.
• 6:54
  It means that you're not the eldest child because of the sibling that comes from either your mother or your father.
• 7:02
  So then you are, it may be that you've noticed that over the years that you were standing in a place that never fit, quite felt right, never quite felt like it fitted.
• 7:13
  I'm the sixth child in my family system, and the difference that it makes to stand in the place as the sixth child.
• 7:22
  And not the fourth.
• 7:24
  When I acknowledge the two siblings who never made it earth side to live in our family system, but they belong and that they have a place.
• 7:38
  So everybody in our family system belongs and there's a place in the order in which they belong.
• 7:46
  And sometimes, um.
• 7:49
  So if I go back to the, the example I was giving of, um, of a family system where the oldest eldest child is missing, sometimes the youngest child or, or a, or a later child will, will try and be the eldest child of the family because there is someone missing that child may have been stillborn or, or adopted out, or, or never acknowledged or given a place in the family system.
• 8:17
  And it may be that the younger child acts as if they are the eldest child because there is something missing from that system.
• 8:25
  Um, and again, that's not necessarily, it doesn't have to be the youngest child, but that's an example.
• 8:31
  And it may be that it's not your generation and it's further generations back down, up through the system.
• 8:37
  And this family member is, is uh, is there waiting to be acknowledged?
• 8:47
  If we don't acknowledge, then there's exclusion and exclusion, creates a whole and energetic, um, space of grief and longing, and someone will come along and fill it and maybe they will experience the grief.
• 9:12
  That the parent may have not have been able to express at the time, or belonging and the confusion of the one who was excluded.
• 9:25
  There are many different ways in which this can show up.
• 9:31
  There is another order, and that is when there's been a previous relationship or, um, yeah.
• 9:42
  It's for those who came before maybe the in the family's soul, that for whatever reason our relationship wasn't able to be sustained.
• 9:58
  And maybe that's never talked about.
• 9:59
  Maybe someone in the family has been married previously, they had children from that relationship, but they're never able to acknowledge or give that.
• 10:11
  That relationship and those family members status within the family.
• 10:15
  So the importance of everybody having their place of belonging and in the order in which we come.
• 10:24
  So it may be that there's the first wife and in that relationship there were children and they would be the first children.
• 10:35
  And that can sometimes be.
• 10:38
  A struggle for a second wife, particularly if the first wife is not, or husband could be.
• 10:46
  Either way is not acknowledged and given the space, the honor and the respect, it could be that your great-grandfather went to war and never came home.
• 10:57
  He died, was left on the battlefield and through your.
• 11:02
  Great-grandmother's grief and raising her, the children.
• 11:07
  She goes on and remarries and never speaks of her first husband, her first love, her deepest love, but that pain ripples on down through the family.
• 11:18
  Again, there are many ways in which this can show up.
• 11:22
  The orders the first, the second, the third.
• 11:28
  Finding your place within your family system.
• 11:31
  So we are going to come to the exercise and it, I'm, my invitation is for you to put in order your siblings in a line from right to left and your parents we're gonna start with your parents.
• 11:49
  So if, uh, you have your objects in front of you, maybe you need to stand up and placing.
• 12:01
  First object and maybe you wanna look at it and just acknowledge and say, you're my father, and if you're placing it down in front of you, place it on this, right?
• 12:12
  You're my father and this is where you belong in my family system and our family system.
• 12:19
  The next object, well just actually just pause for a moment there.
• 12:25
  And use your non-dominant hand, so the hand that you don't write with, or if you're standing, just stand beside.
• 12:33
  Maybe there's room for you to just touch it with your toes.
• 12:39
  If it's a pillow, you might want to just take your little feet underneath it.
• 12:47
  Just pause for a moment and feel that space where your father belongs.
• 12:51
  And.
• 12:53
  Maybe your father isn't in your system in a daily life.
• 12:57
  Maybe you never knew your father or never had the opportunity to experience time with him, but without him, you wouldn't be here.
• 13:10
  So we're gonna give him a space.
• 13:13
  Maybe your relationship was difficult and there's a little bit of angst.
• 13:19
  Let's put that aside.
• 13:22
  This is an exploration of it, of the order in which we belong.
• 13:29
  So we have our father, and then next we have our mother.
• 13:33
  We're probably our mother next to our father on the left of him.
• 13:40
  And again, using your non-dominant hand or moving aside and tucking your feet just underneath those pillows as well, that pillow.
• 13:50
  Breathe and feel into this space.
• 13:54
  This is the woman who brought you through to the world after carrying you for nine months, potentially carrying you for nine months.
• 14:09
  Some of us born a little earlier, some of us were born a little later.
• 14:18
  Just feeling her standing there next to your father, noticing your body.
• 14:30
  Whew.
• 14:31
  Check into your heart space and just take a moment to acknowledge that without these two.
• 14:46
  It wouldn't be here.
• 14:53
  And because they're the parents, they belong in the road behind you.
• 14:57
  So just in front of your father, if you are the eldest, place yourself in front of your father.
• 15:05
  Um, if not, then place the eldest sibling, the eldest child, and that's that space.
• 15:11
  Um.
• 15:14
  If, you know, maybe you know that you have an elder sibling that didn't make it through.
• 15:20
  Maybe there's one who passed over or was adopted out.
• 15:29
  And if you don't know, that's okay.
• 15:31
  'cause it, it, it may show up during this process and it may be that you have.
• 15:45
  The right sibling in the right place, or that's your place.
• 15:49
  So feel that again, placing your non-dominant hand on this representative, whether it's a sibling or yourself, and breathe, and just notice that space.
• 16:10
  Now if you are an only child, my invitation would be for you to place your representative still in front of your parents, but between them, so we've got dad, mom, and then you in the front, and then going through your system, taking your time, placing the objects for each of your siblings.
• 16:36
  Take it.
• 16:37
  Take time to breathe and notice that space, and then finding the object for yourself if you haven't already, and placing that into the field.
• 16:55
  Just putting my family system down as we're talking by finding some other objects.
• 17:00
  Let's have a look.
• 17:01
  What else have I got here?
• 17:03
  Got quite a few things I'm placing in my two brothers going through this process for you.
• 17:17
  My sister before me.
• 17:23
  And then myself on the end and just notice what shows up.
• 17:43
  Maybe there's a surprise in this.
• 17:49
  Maybe there's a, an extra sibling that you didn't realize unconsciously that shows up, or you recognize that by the way you've placed them, there's quite a big gap there.
• 18:05
  Or maybe everybody lines up and it feels right and take that in.
• 18:16
  Take a moment to be with that.
• 18:48
  Trust that whatever shows up and see you is a gift for you today.
• 19:02
  And if you need any support with this, please reach out to myself or someone that you know and trust.
• 19:08
  Maybe another facilitator or a friend, someone just to share this conversation with.
• 19:17
  Maybe it's an opportunity for you to reach out to your mother or your father or any living relatives that might know some further information if something arises.
• 19:38
  And when we have our, our place in our order, in our system.
• 19:49
  He says, we can move freely in the world.
• 19:57
  And when you're finished with this exercise, the invitation is just to thank your representatives and, and let them go.
• 20:05
  But take your time and maybe you wanna pause the recording here.
• 20:12
  And continue to do a little bit more exploring.
• 20:19
  What does it feel like to be in your mother's line?
• 20:22
  Where did she belong?
• 20:25
  Maybe she never felt like she belonged and, and just lining up her siblings.
• 20:32
  And the same with your father.
• 20:34
  This is deep in the exploration of order.
• 20:38
  And belonging.
• 20:43
  Thank you for joining me today.
• 20:46
  This is an honor and a privilege to be here and share this little bit of information.
• 20:56
  There's much more around order and belonging and balance, but today I'll leave it here.
• 21:08
  Go.
• 21:08
  Well, thank you for listening.
• 21:11
  Head over to Instagram and tell me what's resonated for you with this episode.
• 21:16
  You'll find me at Tracy dot Cartwright.
• 21:19
  That's Tracy with no e dot Cartwright and the or head over to my website, Tracy cartwright.co nz, and receive a free audio with the gift from your ancestors.
• 21:32
  So until next time, be kind to yourself and have fun doing it.