Latest / Pathological Positivity / Happy Hacks with Dr. David Schramm – Episode #718
Transcript
- This is Live On Purpose Radio, episode 718, happy hacks with doctor David Shram. Now is the only time to create and live the life you love. I'm doctor Paul Jenkins, the positivity psychologist. My job is to connect you to powerful positive psychology principles that immediately upgrade your relationships, business, and mental health. Are you ready? Let's jump in. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Live On Purpose Radio. This is doctor Ball, the shrink, who expands your life with another episode of Live On Purpose Radio. Joining me on the mic today is doctor David Schramm. This man is a family science professor. He's a researcher and author of the book by the same name, Happy Hacks, 101 science backed ways to build happiness, reduce stress, build a more meaningful life. Doctor Dave takes the science of happiness out of the research labs and puts it into the practical everyday actions that we can actually use. Dave, I am excited to invite you to the show today. Welcome to Live on Purpose Radio. Doctor Paul, the pleasure is mine. I'm so looking forward to our discussion about happiness today. We're turning the tables a little bit. I was on your mic not too long ago that is all about building and enhancing stronger marriages and and connections in relationships. And now to have you here at Live on Purpose Radio, Happy Hacks. Can we just jump right into that? Yeah. Yeah. I'm curious because you've written this book, which is really practical. I love the way that you've broken it down. Here's the brain science behind it. Here's why this works. You've categorized it so that these these hacks make sense. And I know that there's a backstory. Why did you write this book? Yeah. You know, there really is for a first, thanks again for having me on. I love this topic, this area. You know, you've been in this much longer than I have. I mean, episode 718 or whatever that was. Yeah. We love this area. Right? It goes back to some of mine, interest in in Martin Seligman. I think, you know, back in 1998 when he was the president of American Psychological Association, things were going wrong, and it's a focus on positivity and what is going right with people. So I've loved this area for so many years. And then, I think it was COVID. COVID kind of spurred this whole thing. You know, when the world shuts down and I'm looking at happiness and positivity still and why are some people flourishing and and others floundering during this time. Yeah. And it was then when I I developed a presentation called happy hacks. I just kinda came up with that. It sounded it had a little ring to it. Mhmm. And I would travel and do speeches like like you on stages all across the country on positivity and happiness because we know that was the one of the most unhappy times historically. Right? It knocked out the three needs of safety and satisfaction and connection. And so we were tanking. And so I I thought people need something that really resonates, something that is simple and practical and takes the science and gives them some very simple tools in simple ways, and I think it really resonated with people especially during that time. And so then I I kinda took the the show on the road and was doing presentations all over on happy hacks. And Then I took a sabbatical leave, from I work here at Utah State University as an extension specialist and professor in human development family studies. Took a a sabbatical, my first one ever. And I thought, you know what? Most most books, they take one idea, you know, grit or just gratitude or kindness. And they and they focus on that one concept and that they build a lot of stories and examples, which are which are good and help the help the mind to remember. But I wanted to take a different approach during the sabbatical and take a look at all of the science on happiness and positive psychology and neuroscience and boil it down into simple. Right? We almost live almost like the Instagram. People are their brains are almost wired now for tell me what it is. Get rid of all the fluff and just give me, you know, what is it that I can start doing? So that's what I did honestly is take a look at all the the research and positive psychology in the last thirty years. And then I wanted something that could be very, I'm a practical guy. Give me some things to try. So rather than a prescription approach of you have to do this, you wanna be happy, you have to do this, this and this. It's more of a principle based approach. And so I would say, hey, here's here's what it is, the background and then why people who are interested in the research, here's a little bit about why, and then try this today. And then I I kinda boil it down. So that was more of the the why started several years ago, and then I wanted to create something that was very practical. I'm wondering, Dave, as you're sharing this, and I can I can really relate, you know, because this is the same area that I spend a lot of time with? And I know that everything that we do in our work that's purpose driven in fact, in your book, you talk about happiness is there's there's different levels. Right? And there's there's pleasure, which is kind of fleeting. There's engagement, which is where you start getting connected to other people. And there's this deeper level of meaning and purpose. Yeah. And you address all of those in the book, but I'm even looking at the origin of this. And when I asked why did you write this, I mean, some of it might be obvious. It's like, well, so people can be happy. Yeah. But also, I'm thinking about what my daughter taught me about this. She said, pay attention to what breaks your heart. Oh. You know, she gets involved in humanitarian work. Yeah. And it just breaks her heart that some people don't have access to clean water, you know, or sustainable food. And so she goes to Africa on a regular basis and just gets her hands dirty and tries to affect that. And I'm guessing there's something like that behind your motivation too. Why is happiness so important in the first place? And I'm trying to get past the obvious reason, well, so we can be happy. Yeah. But think about the alternative. I think there's way too much unnecessary misery and hopelessness. And what does that trigger for you, Dave? Yeah. Yeah. Where does your brain go with that? It it does. We really it is. It's this this higher level of meaning, of purpose, of giving people hope. I'll I'll share an example of this that our teenagers, they're kind of in this time when it's, you know, life's about them and the happiness for them is is, yeah, the next concert or the pizza part, the party at school and being popular and the clothes and shoes and all this kind of stuff. And we sent our son on a on a humanitarian. It's an HXP trip, and then probably a lot of listeners, yeah, see the value of getting outside of yourself for a little while. Your daughter, it sounds like she does this all the time. So we had three daughters that went on these these types of trips in different countries. And then our son went, and he went to to Samoa and for about two and a half weeks. And then they get to write a letter. They take away their phones, which he's like, I'm so glad. You know, get rid of that thing. And he was just locked in. I decided to lock in, he says, and I could either, you know, mess around or I could lock in. And he decided to really lock in, and he helped people. He dug a hole, Paul, for five days straight. That's like his assignment was to dig this hole where this this water tank would be for this school. He showed it in the the Disney film, you know, dig holes, builds character. Yeah. Yeah. Just dig just dig the hole and then come over here and just dig the hole. Yeah. And so he he writes this letter. It's the Sunday before they he comes home, so he's out of this experience. The leader takes a picture of it since they can't send it on their phone, and we get this letter. We got it at about 2AM. We're in Bear Lake at a family reunion and he sends us this letter and I get it because I I know it's coming. So I keep checking my phone all night. It comes and I read it and I just start, I just start to cry. I wake up my wife, she reads it. She, we read it five more times and each time we're just, we're just balling because this this teenage, you know, all all state football wide receiver kid who's just, you know, too cool for school. And here he is and he poured up five pages of this this letter. And he talks about how this is the best experience of his life, how it's changed him. He loves the people, the culture he'd love. He even said, I love the the bugs in my bed, the cold showers. He says something changed him, and it was something that was bigger than himself. And it was this this internal, this perspective shift of, like, real joy. You know? We've been to Disneyland and Lake Powell and having these and that's a different type of a fun times that we can bond and have fun. But he this this one was different. He'd never experienced this type of real joy, and it came from forgetting himself and helping other people losing himself. Ironically, now the same son is is headed there for two years back to Samoa of all places. He's headed back to Oh, wow. Enjoy those bugs and the cold showers and things. He leaves in eight days, yeah, going back. And so he's he's excited. So that that was part of this is to understand, you know what? In the book I talk about meaning and purpose and hope is, well, you know, gratitude, kindness, and sleep, diet, exercise, all of this, but there's really so much more than the pleasant one. Sometimes we think about happy. I think my mind immediately goes to the pleasant life that Sullivan talked about. It's Yeah. Let's go and the roller coaster, the Netflix, and as much pizza and cheesecake as you can handle fast cars and girls on Friday night. And that's kind of this this temporary stuff, but there's so much more that is deeper that gets into our our hearts as well as our heads. And for him, that was that was a bit a light switch moment. I love that you're identifying for us that this is not about pleasure. Pleasure shows up, but you know what? I think pleasure shows up with happiness and with misery. You're right. Yes. And pain shows up with both. Yeah. In fact, I love the way Tim Hansel put this in his book, You Gotta Keep Dancing. Tim said, pain is inevitable. Misery is optional. Yes. Yes. You know, my sister would write that line, Paul, that exact line to me when I served a a mission for our church. And she would end all of her letters with that exact line. I really And I love so that line actually means a lot to me personally because she would and then I said, yeah. The the there's challenges and struggles. We can find a deeper purpose and meaning through that growth, really. Right? Because you can you can chase. You know, someone wants to ask, what are you chasing? What are you chasing? I love to ask that question. What are you chasing in life? You know, is it just popularity, prestige, power, or is it is it people and purpose and passion? Yeah. I remember. I I can't remember if it was Wayne Dyer, I think it was, who was and he was probably quoting Thich Nhat Hanh, the great Buddhist leader, that people stumble around through life trying to find the way to happiness. Yeah. And then he said, they don't get it. The way is happiness. Yes. It's what you do as you're experiencing the pain Yeah. Or the pleasure. You gotta have both. You're going to have both. Welcome to the planet. Yep. Right? And I love where you start this, doctor Dave, because your first tact do you remember number one? Of course, you do. Of course, I I I remember all 100 and what. You've you've memorized all of the That's so fun. Sunlight? It's about letting the sunlight hit your face in the morning. Yep. That's right. And I thought, what a great place to start. Yeah. When you're looking at the sun, you don't see any shadows. Yeah. And to have the sun hit your face, but then and it's very foundational that first little set that you go through. There's a grounding. Yes. You know, putting putting your bare feet on mother earth. Yes. I mean the and I don't remember specifically all 101 of your hacks, but Yeah. I remember you started with this and and thinking, yes, I could this is something that I can do. I can do it today, and I can do it regardless of how I'm feeling. Right? Yes. What if I had a loved one just die? I can still put my face in the sun. Yeah. Yeah. What what if I just won the lottery? I can still go put my face in the sun. Yeah. And which day is it more important? I don't know. Yeah. It's just all part of our Earth experience. Right? Yes. Yeah. It really was. I I intentionally, I started readers will see that the first 20. So what? Yeah. 20% of the of the entire book is focused on the foundation, fix the foundation first. And it is that you have the sun in the eyes, which helps then regulate sleep and the melatonin and all this, the physiology that happens in it. It's the, yeah, eating protein, getting a drink of water. It's the exercise, the, the diet, the sleep pattern, the night before the winding down routines. So it, I wanted to make it very, very simple. And again, choose it's, it's really a buffet style. Paul, I really it's written to, you don't have to read it cover to cover. You can, you can kind of flip and choose and underline and highlight, Try some that may work for you. Others, yeah, may not fit as well, and that's o that's okay. But I wanted to be simple and simple sun on the eyes, especially the first half hour, hour of the morning. It it does. It it can have, an effect, kind of this this upward spiral, right, that it can create to lead to other small wins in your life that you can celebrate. And I feel that we need a disclaimer just to avoid any of the lawsuits that could come in. We're not talking about the sun stare that you used to do with your 10 year old buddies. I got six seconds on the sun stare. What? No. You're gonna ruin your eyes. You're just talking about you close your eyes. Yes. But get your face out there in the sun. Feel that on your face. It it does something to ground you to mother earth and to maybe give some perspectives. Yeah, very, very much so. Yeah. And that, and we're talking in no sunglasses, but I don't stare at the sun, but there is something just on the way this morning, driving in into campus earlier today, I took my sunglasses off, came to a stoplight. I didn't stare at the sun, but the sun was shining in my face. And that one came, came to my mind. I thought, yeah, little things that we can do for our daughter with a one year old, you know, what do I do? And I thought, oh, you know what? Take your little daughter out on a walk, fresh air. First thing in the morning, they can be a little bit crisp. It's good for her. It's good for you. Physical exercise. You might bump into another mom who's out, out on a walk and there's the, there's the ripple again. So it can, it can be these small little things that can they can help us create that upward spiral. I have to share something else with you, Dave, that really landed for me as I was reviewing your book. And just thinking about this idea of happy hacks. And this is not magic. They're all based on principle. And like you pointed out earlier, for those of us who are a little more geeky about this or we wanna get into the science behind it, you provide that too. Here's why it works. Here's the psychology behind it. Love that. But there's little things, little doable things that you can try. And we're just launching, I was telling you before we turned on the mics today that we're just launching our new positives platform. And in fact, if you guys wanna check it out, just go over to liveonpurposeradio.com/positives, plural. You'll see what we're doing there. My daughter, the same one that does the humanitarian work in Africa, she was commenting about this the other day. She said, if you plant a seed so picture just planting a little seed, right? And it's going to grow, right, and become fruit or a tree or something, but not today. You put that seed in the soil and let's say that you know that this seed needs three gallons of water over the next three weeks. Okay. Don't dump three gallons of water on it. You can't you can't push it away. But what if you sprinkle a little bit on it every day? And I got the feel as I was reading your book, here's some sprinkling. Yes. Here's a couple of gallons of water. You don't have to do it all at once. In fact, that's not healthy. It's not brain friendly to do that. Yeah. But if you were to sprinkle a little bit, do a hack today. Try it. See what you experienced. Do another one tomorrow. Yeah. And I see this as something that's very applicably part of the rhythm of establishing a pattern of living that eventually yields the fruit of what we would call happiness. Yes. Yeah. Man, I love that analogy, Paul. It is it's just a little bit that's doable. It's not going to change my whole, you know, routine perhaps, but it could become part of your whether morning routine or winding down routine or, you know, who who am I gonna reach out to? One of my favorites is is I call it text two before ten. It's just text two people before 10AM. Yeah. Just a random text of kindness, of gratitude. Hey. I heard your mom's in the hospital just thinking about you today or to your child. Hey. Good luck on your test or a track or football or whatever it is. It's just checking in. Well, it takes thirty seconds. These these are not intense things, but that the again, that that can the ripple is real. It it can spill over and it can make your day. It's the noticing slowing down to appreciate. It's the savoring of, of breakfast that morning. It's intentionally instead of a donut, I'm going to, I'm going to choose a scrambled eggs or something. Right. Small little shifts that little bit of water every day on the seed, you're changing the environment. You know, the sun, the fertilizer, the soil, the conditions of that seed and making it more likely to sprout and grow. It's pretty clear to me and in my experience as a professional psychologist, I've seen this that there's a predictable outcome when you do this. And it's not like, okay, well, I'm gonna be happy immediately. It's more like growing that seed, right, as you establish the patterns and and reprogram the neural pathways, everything that goes into creating that environment for the happiness to exist. And so the predictable outcome for me is your life's gonna get better. Is that fair? It is. Yeah. It is going to happen. And I love that. I can relate to that because so too often, you know, happiness and perhaps books or or, hey, quick fixes are about chasing happiness, but that's like chasing a butterfly. You're just chasing, chasing, chasing. But if we will forget about the butterfly for a minute and be still and focus on the butterfly might actually land on your shoulder and you don't even Yeah. Realize it. And so it's this outward mindset. It's this shift of, yeah, I'm gonna do this. And then I'm not gonna sit there and wait. Oh, okay. Is the happiness am I feeling anything? Yeah. It's not like a pill that that you that you take, but it's a way of living and giving, and these small little shifts. Another favorite is is the gratitude. And it this one again is is simple. Gratitude is simple, but it is we could really be grateful in four areas. People, places, experiences, and things. People, places, experiences, and things. And I have people make, you know, divide the paper in into fours. Those four categories, who are the people the top 10 people, for for example, in my life that I'm so grateful for, the experiences, the the things, the stuff. And then I have them make that list. And you know who they're not thinking about during that exercise? Themselves. Right? No one has yet ever put at the top of the people, me, I'm grateful for me. Right? People don't do that. It's their their thinking. Their minds kinda go back in time. What experiences am I so grateful for? Gratitude, simply slowing down builds our psychological resilience system. Right? This immune system. Yeah. Doesn't mean when when bad things, you know, won't happen to you, but when they do, you have this reservoir of positivity, of gratitude that Barbara Frederickson, right, Broadband Build, negativity narrows us. But when you feed the positives in your life and you're simply slow down and be grateful for and then express have people write letters or text someone and express that gratitude to them, man, it does something inside that is powerful. So your life gets better. It does. Your whole life. Yeah. And even though that's true, that's the selfish part. Yeah. Because there's another predictable outcome. Go back to your text two by 10. That particular hack assumes that there are two recipients of those texts, and you're spending what, two, three minutes to send a couple of heartfelt, hey, just thinking about you, my life's better because you're in it, I'm grateful to you for whatever. You send these two texts, somebody else receives it. Two people who and and it starts this ripple effect. So even though our own lives get better, which is probably enough reason to do it, the I I think the real power here is in how we start to spread this positive energy to others. And and and it just trickles out from there. And I know I know that this saves lives. That's not hyperbole because I know lives that were saved by a text Yeah. That came through or just that connection, that energetic connection Mhmm. That's tied to happiness. And so that's what I was thinking about when when I said there's two predictable outcomes actually, and one is that your life gets better. Mhmm. Then that's really awesome and there's enough reason to do it. And it's not about us. That's right. And as we reach out to others, it improves their life, and ours gets better in the process. Yeah. Yeah. It does, Paul. That that that ripple that you you talked about to other people. Yeah. I have an example of that. And you you have examples of a text. I said, alright. You know, everyone, pause for a minute. Who needs a text from you right now? And then I said, yeah. Notice the nudges and follow the feelings because there's gonna be a name or a face that's coming to your mind. So I do this when I when I go around and and speak. And and so they get out their phones and and then I take a picture of everybody on their phones and I say, I'm gonna send it to my wife. This is the worst audio. They're all on their phones, honey. Right? Because they're all on their phones texting somebody. And then, so a lady came up afterwards and she shared the text. She said, I gotta share this with your daughter today. I I've been meaning to reach out to this friend who is really struggling. And I've been putting it off, putting it off, putting it off, and then you actually told us to take out our phones and and text somebody. And she showed me this text about this friend who was having suicidal thoughts and saying, I'm so grateful you reached out. This has been inspired. We needed to do lunch. I have really been struggling and no one to talk to. So this girl, she was just so thankful. She had to share it with me because wow, it can be this little nudge or a feeling check-in with someone's text somebody. And that is, it takes, yeah, one minute, thirty seconds to, to reach out, to text somebody. So it does those little things make you feel good. And then that, that ripple is real as well. Another thought on gratitude, Paula, and you experienced this as well, so you're aware of this, but for the listeners, it's a great reminder of how gratitude ages over time and it like, you know, cheese or fine wine or whatever. Right? People gratitude, actually, the power of gratitude can increase over time. For example, let's say Paul shares something and and I'm like, oh, that is awesome. Thank you for sharing that, Paul. But now let's say that it's a month, maybe three months, six months later, and I tried something that Paul suggested with these positives and that these courses, this, these things that he's producing. And then Paul happens to get an email from me six months later. And I say, Hey, I just need to let you know that that episode or that practice or that, that strategy like changed my life. And I share that with them. Do you see how it's different over time? So I guess the message for listeners right now is never too late to share and express gratitude because it almost means more after time goes by because you've forgotten about it. But this person, it made a difference in a ripple in their life. So it's never too late. Express gratitude for things in the in the short term. Yeah. Thanks for opening the door for me. But then over time, express it as well. Write it down. Text it. Send an email. I would I remember someone once said in a workshop, we should never fail to thank those who would who have taught us well. I remember I it rippled. It hit me in the heart. I thought I am so ungrateful. I started writing letters to former high school teachers, a former scout master, and religious leaders in my life Oh, wow. Because of the the impact. I thought I have got to let them know. What am I doing, Dave? Yeah. And so I would write these. So it's never never too late. Gratitude grows over time. And it elevates both parties to do that. Yeah. Absolutely. Yep. Part of my brain is is saying, well, how could it be this simple? Simple and easy are not the same thing. Let's not confuse those. That's right. Because like you were saying, you'll get the nudges, right, when you're speaking to an audience and you say, okay, that person, the name, the face that came to your mind, that's who we're talking about. And they're like, yeah, I've already thought of them, but, And then our brain comes up with five reasons to not to. Yep. Right? Yeah. I don't wanna bother him or it'd be embarrassing or I've waited too long or the window is closed or whatever. Yeah. And my experience with this is listen to the first voice, the one that says, hey, I should reach out to so and so. Yeah. Because the second voice will give you five reasons to not to. Yep. And that keeps us stuck, and that's why it's hard. It takes a little bit of humility, a little bit of vulnerability, which is exactly what people are looking for anyway. It's a thing all of us want, but none of us wanna offer Yep. That vulnerability. But it connects us in ways that causes that ripple effect, and it's just it's amazing really to watch it. It is. And even to hear about it, Paul, or to watch it on YouTube, you you put in random acts of kindness on YouTube and just sit there for a minute and get get a box of Kleenex, man. Because when we see good, we want to do good. We want to it's contending. Literally, it is inspiring. You hear a story, you hear an example, and it does. It gives you this lift, this elevation. Jonathan I talks about it's this this moral elevation that I want to to be better and do better then which then ripples into your relationships, your marriage, relationships with your kids. You start noticing, leaving a little I remember one time, my my daughter and I were doing this. She was made 12, 13, right, when you know everything and then the world. We're doing this. And then the thought occurred to me, the inspired question I learned from a wise teacher, professor. He said he said, ask yourself, if I were to give my whole heart to this child, what would it occur to me to do? Right? Terry Olsen, you may know Terry Olsen. He'd create a class I took from me. He'd give here to give your whole heart to this child, what would it occur to me to do? And so I said that and she was off playing. And, and the thought that came to my mind was do her laundry. And I thought that's strange. I don't even know how to do laundry. Honey, can you help me do her laundry? So I do her laundry. I fold her clothes and I put it on her bed with a little sticky note in a Hershey's kiss. And on the note, in addition to saying, I love you, we should say that as parents start our kids. But in addition, I wrote, I absolutely love being your dad. I absolutely love being your dad and kids need to hear that. In addition to that, I love you. So I absolutely love being your mom or I absolutely love being your grandma. And I put that on that note and I put the Hershey's kiss and that will melt this animosity, these feelings, this friction about as fast as anything I know. That's why kindness is is King Seligman's and it it improves happiness faster than any exercise he's ever tested, he says. Just these these random acts of kind these intentional acts of of kindness. Serving someone will will help that about as fast as anything I know. Yeah. And maybe they're not so random after all if we do it on purpose. Yeah. Since that's the name of our show here, Live on Purpose. Yes. Doctor Dave. Some good stuff, my friend. Yeah. You guys, the book is called Happy Hacks, 101 Science backed Ways to Boost Happiness, Reduce Stress, and Build a More Meaningful Life. Go connect with that. You can also get to doctor Dave at doctor Dave Schramm, doctor spelled with a d r, doctor Dave Schramm, two m's at the end, s c h r a m m. Did I get that right? You got it. Yeah. The d r dave schramm, yeah, dot com. D r dave schramm dot com. If you need a happiness hack for your organization, you're bringing in a speaker, you just wanna connect doctor David's do what doctor David's doing there, that's where you can go to find him. Anything else you want to share with our audience today, Dave, about where to find you or what's next for them? Yeah. You know what? It is. It's the simple things. I've got another one coming out here soon. It's got, happy hacks for teachers. I've been trial and state talking with teachers. That one, separate information. Happy hacks for moms launches in October. October 20, that one drops. That one's my perspective. I've got three, daughters raised with four sisters watching my mom, watching my wife. So it's a husband's perspective on mom, not a parenting book, but on my perspective of the moms and the weight and the stuff that they go through. So that one's I'm anxious for as well. Love it. Well, keep a watch, folks, because doctor Dave Schramm is one that you want to follow and watch doing some good things on the planet. Thank you, Dave, for joining me here on the mic today. Doctor Paul, always a pleasure. Thanks so much for having me. It's always fun when we get to chat, and this probably isn't the last time. Yeah. I hope not. Alright. You guys, you've heard it. Time to apply it. Let's go live on purpose. Did you get what you came for? Give yourself the gift of taking real action on what you realized today. Please share this episode with someone you know would value it, and leave us a rating too. It's time now to live on purpose.