Latest / Surviving Narcissistic Abuse with Jill Wise / Top 10 Things Narcissists Do When They Know You've Figured Them Out

Transcript

Top 10 Things Narcissists Do When They Know You've Figured Them Out · Surviving Narcissistic Abuse with Jill Wise

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everyone and thank you so much for joining me on my podcast all about surviving narcissistic abuse.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host and lifelong survivor of narcissistic abuse, Jill Wise.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: And today we are going to talk about the top 10 things narcissists may do when they realize you have finally figured them out.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say figured them out, I don't mean that you watched three videos about narcissism and suddenly decided that you know exactly what's happening inside someone else's head.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the much bigger moment when years of confusing experiences finally begin forming recognizable patterns.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: You start realizing the arguments that never made sense actually have a pattern.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: The apologies followed by the exact same behavior have a pattern.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: The affection that mysteriously appears whenever you start pulling away has a pattern.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: The blame shifting, the gaslighting, uh the punishments, the sudden kindness, the rage, the confusion begin connecting in your mind.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: It has a pattern.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And once you recognize the pattern, something very important happens.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: You start changing.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: You may not announce it, and certainly I hope that you don't announce it.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And hopefully you do not confront them.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: But you stop responding the way you used to.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: You stop reacting, you stop taking the bait, you stop engaging the way you used to with them because you finally see the patterns.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And once you see, it is nearly impossible to unsee it.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And because of this, they feel the energy shift.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: They realize that they are in very real danger of being exposed for who and what they really are.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And the chain of events that follow in most cases are pretty predictable.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to tell you exactly what those things are.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now, before we get into the 10 behaviors, I want to make something clear.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Not every narcissistic person will do everything we're talking about today.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And these behaviors are not exclusive to narcissism necessarily.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about patterns that can occur in narcissistic and other coercive and abusive relationships when someone senses they are losing influence or control.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Some of the behaviors towards the end of the list can become very serious.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I am absolutely not suggesting that anyone ever confront someone they believe may become dangerous.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to announce that you figured them out.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need one final showdown where you expose everything you know, okay?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes quietly understanding what you're dealing with and making decisions that protect you first and foremost is far more powerful than trying to convince someone that you understand exactly what they've been doing.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So to everyone listening, nothing is more important than your safety and well-being and the safety and well-being of your loved ones.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And the interesting thing is that they may realize you've figured them out before you realize how much you've changed.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: For years, they may have known exactly which buttons produced which responses.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: They accuse you, you defend yourself.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: They withdraw, you chase them.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: They become angry, you start explaining.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: They threaten the relationship, you panic.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: They give you a little affection after treating you terribly, and you're so relieved that everything feels okay again.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: But eventually those buttons stop working the same way.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: You don't chase as quickly.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: You don't spend three hours proving you aren't a terrible person.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: You don't automatically interpret their anger or even their rage as evidence that you must have done something wrong.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: You start watching instead of reacting.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly there has been an unauthorized software update in the person they thought they had completely figured out.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everyone, and thank you so much for joining me on my podcast all about surviving narcissistic abuse.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host and lifelong survivor of narcissistic abuse, Jill Wise.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And today we are going to talk about the top 10 things narcissists may do when they realize you have finally figured them out.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say figured them out, I don't mean that you watched three videos about narcissism and suddenly decided that you know exactly what's happening inside someone else's head.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the much bigger moment when years of confusing experiences finally begin forming recognizable patterns.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: You start realizing the arguments that never made sense actually have a pattern.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: The apologies followed by the exact same behavior have a pattern.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: The affection that mysteriously appears whenever you start pulling away has a pattern.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: The blame shifting, the gaslighting, uh, the punishments, the sudden kindness, the rage, the confusion begin connecting in your mind.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: It has a pattern.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And once you recognize the pattern, something very important happens.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: You start changing.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: You may not announce it, and certainly I hope that you don't announce it, and hopefully you do not confront them.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: But you stop responding the way you used to.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: You stop reacting, you stop taking the bait, you stop engaging the way you used to with them because you finally see the patterns.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And once you see, it is nearly impossible to unsee it.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And because of this, they feel the energy shift.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: They realize that they are in very real danger of being exposed for who and what they really are.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the chain of events that follow in most cases are pretty predictable.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to tell you exactly what those things are.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: So now let's get into exactly what these top ten things are.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, if they suspect you have figured them out, they may switch the cycle into some pretty intense love bombing.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly, the person who couldn't seem to give you the things you had been asking for remembers exactly how to do them.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: They become affectionate, attentive, interested, uh remorseful, maybe even unusually self-aware.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: There may be promises and apologies, gifts, sex, sentimental conversations, um, talk about the future or unusual declarations about how much you mean to them.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And this can be incredibly powerful and quite tricky to navigate for the target because it appears to confirm what you have desperately wanted to believe.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: The person you fell in love with is still in there.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're not very careful, you can fall into actually believing that maybe this time they finally understand.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: But I want you to pay attention to what triggered the change.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Did the change happen when they understood how deeply their behavior hurt you?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or did it happen when they realized they might lose you?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Those are two very different things.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Genuine repair involves accountability, empathy, consistent behavioral change, a willingness to do the work even after the immediate crisis has passed.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Love bombing is often about restoring the bond and getting the relationship back into its previous position.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And there is some pretty remarkable irony in spending years asking for someone for basic affection and consideration, being told your expectations are unreasonable, and then discovering those emotional capabilities apparently make a miraculous recovery the minute you have one foot out the door.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: The real test isn't how loving someone becomes when they're afraid of losing you.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's whether the change remains after they believe they have gotten you back again.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: So the first thing you can usually expect is some pretty intense love bombing.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, if the love bombing doesn't work, you may start hearing from the narcissist flying monkeys.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: These are people who knowingly or unknowingly are influenced by the narcissist to get involved and essentially carry the message to you that they want you to believe or maybe gather information or apply social pressure on behalf of the narcissist.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly a friend, uh a relative, adult child, or maybe even just a mutual acquaintance wants to talk.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: They tell you the narcissist is truly all of the wonderful things that they want you to believe again, and whatever is going on in your head isn't accurate.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: They might remind you that every relationship has problems, or maybe they suggest you're just being a little too sensitive or making too much out of things.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Essentially, the message is everything is fine, you've got some crazy ideas in your head, and everybody would really appreciate it if you would stop disrupting the ecosystem and go back to your assigned seat.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And flying monkeys can be extremely effective, guys, because now social pressure has entered the relationship.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: You are finally beginning to trust your own perception, and suddenly several people are telling you that your perception is wrong.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: But flying monkeys can also provide something else, and that something else is information.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: What are you thinking?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: What exactly have you figured out?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Have you talked to anyone?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Are you planning to leave?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Are you still emotionally attached?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the person calling you genuinely believes that they are checking on you and has no idea they are getting information that will eventually make its way back to the narcissist.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are in this situation, um, in a situation that's involving safety, children, finances, or legal issues, be extremely careful about who gets access to your plans.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody asking questions does not necessarily need answers from you.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And in this circumstance, I would not engage in telling a potential flying monkey anything.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's always better safe than sorry.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Moving on, number three, they may begin testing whether they still have emotional access to you.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: They may push one of your buttons that used to produce an immediate reaction and watch what happens.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: They make accusations that used to send you into a three-hour defense of your character.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: They withdraw and wait for you to chase them.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: They provoke jealousy, they make a cruel comment, they manufacture some little crisis and then they watch because your reaction gives them information.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: If they withdraw and you chase, the attachment still works.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: If they accuse you and you immediately begin defending yourself, they still control your attention.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: If they threaten the relationship and you panic, that threat still has power.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: But when you stop responding predictably, they can become alarmed.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: And many times they will increase the intensity of the old tactics or try and use new ones because the old button isn't producing the old result.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: So they press it again, nothing.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Press it harder, still nothing.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: And survivors can mistakenly believe this means they need to explain themselves to the narcissist.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: But hear me loud and clear.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: You do not, you do not owe them anything.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes there is nothing left to explain.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: You understood the accusation the first 400 times.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: You simply no longer accept the invitation to defend yourself against it.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, if the love bombing hasn't worked and other people haven't persuaded you, and the old emotion emotional buttons aren't producing the same results, at this point the narcissist may begin losing patience with you.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: They might be getting pretty frustrated and annoyed at this stage of the game, and you may see them go into a narcissistic rage or a significant escalation in anger and intimidation.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is where the emotional temperature can change very quickly.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: The person who was just trying to love bomb you now suddenly is saying things like, Who in the hell do you think you are?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: And the shift can seem pretty bizarre until you understand that charm and persuasion has failed.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: So if love bombing no longer puts you back into position, intimidation may become the next attempt.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be very clear here.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone gets angry, and anger alone does not mean someone is narcissistic, obviously.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: What matters is the pattern and whether anger is being used to control you and get you back into alignment with wanting to keep them happy and peaceful at all costs, like normal.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: And nothing, you guys, absolutely nothing is a higher priority than your safety.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: If someone is threatening you, physically intimidating you, destroying property, uh, preventing you from leaving, stalking you, or making you fear for your safety, that is moved beyond an interesting discussion about narcissistic behavior.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Your safety must become the highest priority.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, they may intensify the gaslighting and begin attacking your ability to trust your own judgment.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now your new awareness becomes evidence that something is wrong with you.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: You've changed.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody has gotten in your head.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're paranoid, you're too sensitive, you're remembering things incorrectly.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: You've been watching too many videos, you're obsessed with narcissism.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: But notice what's happening here.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of addressing their behavior, now the conversation has shifted to whether you are psychologically qualified to identify the behavior at all.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is one of the most effective ways to derail any accountability.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because if they can't change the evidence, they can attack the person interpreting the evidence.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: You say, this keeps happening.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: They say you're keeping score.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: You say that isn't what happened.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: They say, your memory is terrible.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: You say, I don't like being screamed at.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: They say, you're so dramatic.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now suddenly they are trying to put you back into the position of defending yourself once again.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if you take that bait, then you'll fall right back into the old pattern.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: And the narcissist has successfully avoided any accountability once again.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: The focus that was on their bad behavior has quietly left the building.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is why recovery eventually requires much more than understanding narcissism.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: You have to recover your ability to believe yourself.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because the truth is you have always been able to trust your own eyes, ears, perceptions, and intuition.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: The narcissist just convinced you that you couldn't.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Number six, when it becomes clear that you're not returning to your old role, their smear campaign against you is going to kick into high gear.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, this can get ugly.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: They may tell people you're unstable, dishonest, abusive, unfaithful, vindictive, an alcoholic or a drug addict, mentally ill, financially irresponsible, morally corrupt, or whatever accusation is most likely to damage your credibility with the people around you.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: The specific accusation can vary depending on who they're smearing you to, but the purpose is what matters.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: If they can discredit you, then they don't necessarily have to disprove what you are saying.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: Think about how effective that is.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: If people are convinced that you're unstable before you ever tell your story, anything you say afterward can be filtered through that belief.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: You defend yourself, now you're obsessed.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: You produce evidence, now you're vindictive.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: You remain silent and somehow that becomes suspicious too.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: It can feel like you're walking into a courtroom and discovering that the jury heard the entire prosecution before anyone bothered to tell you there was a trial.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: And as painful as it is, you may eventually have to accept that you cannot chase down every person who has heard something about you and convince them of the truth.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: Correct misinformation where it genuinely matters, especially when children, employment, finances, safety, or legal issues are involved.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: But healing eventually requires accepting that some people may misunderstand you and you can survive that.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: In my experience, the people who believed the smear campaigns against me were people I didn't want or need in my life anyway.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: Number seven, at this point, they usually become intensely focused on controlling the narrative.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: And this is connected to the smear campaign, but I think it deserves its own place because it explains so much of what happens when control of the relationship begins slipping away.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: If they can no longer control you directly, they may become determined to control how everyone else views you personally and interprets what happened.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: So they will focus on controlling the narrative around who ruined the relationship, who abandoned whom, who is the victim, who tried everything, who is unstable, who betrayed the family.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now all of a sudden, there can be enormous energy devoted to establishing an official version of events where bold faced lies are used or gross exaggerations and a manipulation of things that you have done.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: Many times they will take a grain of truth about something you did and manipulate that, infecting it, infecting the narrative with absurd exaggerations about something you did, building it into a narrative that is not accurate.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: But what you'll find is that it had just enough truth in this story that people will believe it.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is a very common strategy, and unfortunately, typically a very successful one as well.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: And there is a certain irony in spending years begging somebody to care about the health of the relationship, only to discover that when the relationship starts collapsing, they become extremely invested in the public relations department.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently, you discover there was energy available for the relationship management after all.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: They were just saving it for reputation management.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: But if someone's identity depends heavily on being seen as the good spouse, uh the wonderful parent, the perpetual victim, uh, the generous friend, or the person who is always mistreated by a Everyone else, your departure may threaten more than the relationship.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: Your version of events threatens the identity they need other people to believe.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know things that other people don't know, then your credibility becomes very inconvenient.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: And they will go after absolutely destroying your credibility, your reputation, and your good name.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: Number eight, they may begin using money, property, private information, or other forms of leverage against you.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: Financial abuse can become really bad around this time because money in an abusive relationship isn't simply money.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: Money can mean housing, transportation, attorneys, health care, food, the ability to leave.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: So now many survivors will discover that accounts have been emptied.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Access has been restricted or removed, assets have been moved or concealed, or financial access and other information suddenly becomes unavailable.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: In other situations, they may begin using things they know about you as leverage, private information, personal vulnerabilities, things you told them in confidence, or even fears and insecurities you trusted them enough to share.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: And there is something particularly cruel about this, because these are often things that they learned about you through intimacy.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: Information you gave them because you believed you were emotionally safe with them now suddenly becomes ammunition once they realize they're losing control.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: This is also where a lot of survivors look back and think, how in the world did I let myself become this vulnerable?
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth is you probably didn't see it happening because control rarely shows up all at once.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: It happens little by little over time, and very often you don't even realize how much control someone has gained over your life until you start trying to take some of that control back.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: You may not fully see it until you start setting boundaries, start making your own decisions, or start doing things like protecting your money or preparing to leave.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's something really important to understand because sometimes you learn way more about a person when you finally tell them no, than you then you learn during all of the years you were saying yes.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: As long as you were cooperating, there was no reason for them to show you what would happen when you stopped.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, that's when some survivors discover just how far the other person is willing to go to maintain control.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: If that includes hiding or taking money, concealing assets, threatening you, blackmailing you, or interfering with your ability to leave, that's no longer something you should expect to fix with yet another conversation.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's when it may be time to get legal or financial professionals involved and start protecting yourself instead of trying to reason with the person who is creating the problem.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: Moving on, number nine.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: Around this time, the abuse may continue or even intensify after separation.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is often referred to as post-separation abuse.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: And this is something people outside of abusive relationships often have trouble understanding.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: They say, but you left.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you still dealing with them?
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes leaving ends the relationship without ending the other person's attempts to control you.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: Some survivors experience repeated unwanted contact, uh, harassment, monitoring, stalking, intimidation, reputation attacks, interference with work or new relationships, or even legal abuse.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: Direct access has been reduced, so control may be attempted through whatever channels remain available.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: When you are dealing with a malignant narcissist, all of these things are very common.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: And psychologically, separation can be complicated for the survivor too.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: Your nervous system may still be waiting for the next text.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: You may still jump when the phone rings or you hear the doorbell.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: You may still feel an almost automatic need to explain yourself.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: You may understand intellectually that the relationship is over while your body remains trained for the next crisis.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't mean leaving didn't work.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: It means your nervous system spent a very long time learning that danger could arrive without any warning.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: And it may need time to learn that your life no longer has to operate that way.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: Also, if you are experiencing stalking, credible threats, or repeated unwanted contact that makes you fear for your safety, you need to take it very seriously.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: Document what is happening and consider getting appropriate professional or domestic violence support.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: You may need to contact law enforcement too.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: But please always remember nothing is more important than your well-being and safety and the well-being and safety of your loved ones.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, number 10, if children are involved, they may attempt to use the children, the parenting relationship, or the legal system as another avenue of control.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: This can be one of the most painful forms of post-separation abuse because you cannot simply block the person, go completely no contact, and disappear when you share children.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: There may be custody schedules, school decisions, health care, holidays, finances, and constant opportunities to create conflict.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: In some situations, as it was in mine, and I know so many of you have gone through this or are going through this, but the children may be pulled into adult disputes, questioned about the other household, used to carry messages, pressured to take sides, or exposed to attempts to damage or even destroy their relationship with you.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: People use terms like parental alienation very broadly, and custody situations can be complicated.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't want to suggest that every child who becomes distant from a parent has been manipulated or that every allegation made during a custody dispute is false.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: Those situations need to be evaluated carefully and individually.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: But children should never be turned into emotional weapons in an adult power struggle.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: A child should not have to become a spy, messenger, therapist, judge, or jury for their parents.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: And the children should never be lied about in an effort to harm or destroy the other parent's relationship with their children.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: Subjecting a child to parental alienation is a very serious form of child psychological abuse, and in severe cases, needs to be evaluated and intervened by a parental alienation subspecialist.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: In severe cases, it requires a very specific evaluation and intervention, and all therapists are not educated or qualified to intervene when allegations of parental alienation are made.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: It requires a very specific, qualified evaluations and interventions.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, there are a lot of therapists out there who claim to be qualified and are not.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: So please use extreme care and caution if you are going through this when selecting a mental health care professional to help.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: Many times, if you get an unqualified one, they will mistake pathological enmeshment for a healthy parent-child relationship and get things exactly backwards.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: So when you take a step back and look at these 10 behaviors together, I think you can see the larger progression.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: First, perhaps they try to charm you back.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: If that doesn't work, other people may be recruited to persuade you.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: If that fails, they test whether the old emotional buttons still work.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: Then anger may escalate, your perceptions get attacked, your credibility becomes a target.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: The narrative becomes a battleground, money or other leverage may be used, and if the relationship ends, attempts at control can continue through whatever avenues remain available.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: But again, I'm not saying that every narcissistic person follows this sequence or every survivor will experience all ten.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: What I want you to understand is the larger psychological pattern of what can happen when strategies that once produce compliance stop working.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: And this is probably the most important thing I want you to take away from this episode.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you recognize yourself in these patterns, consider the possibility that the escalation did not begin because you suddenly became unreasonable or selfish, unstable, cruel or impossible.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: It may have begun because you changed your participation in the system.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: You stopped chasing, you stopped explaining, you stopped treating every accusation like an assignment.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: You stopped assuming that their anger automatically meant that you were wrong.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: You stopped believing that one wonderful weekend erased six terrible months.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: You started watching the pattern instead of becoming completely consumed by each individual incident.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: That to me is what figuring them out really means.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't memorizing the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't diagnosing everyone who hurts your feelings.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: It is the moment when confusion begins turning into information.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: You stop asking only why does this keep happening to me?
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: And begin realizing, wait a minute, this keeps happening.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: That sounds like a small difference, but it can change everything because survivors can remain trapped in why for years.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: Why did they lie?
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: Why did they ruin another holiday?
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: Why are they suddenly loving again?
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: Why are they angry?
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: Why did they tell everyone that story?
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: Why do they keep hurting me if they say they love me?
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: Those are understandable questions, but eventually there is another question that may be far more useful.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: What does the pattern tell me?
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because you may never receive a satisfying answer to why, but the pattern can still give you enough information to make decisions.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where recovery begins becoming less about understanding them and more about trusting yourself.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because one of the cruel ironies of narcissistic abuse is that survivors can become absolute experts on another human being while becoming strangers to themselves.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know the tone of voice that means trouble.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know which subjects to avoid.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know how to phrase something so they are less likely to explode.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know how long the silent treatment usually lasts.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know exactly how much truth the room can tolerate.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: But somewhere along the way, you may have stopped asking yourself what you want, what you believe, what you enjoy, and what kind of life actually feels peaceful to you.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps that is the greatest shift of all.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: Figuring them out isn't the finish line.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_00: Figuring yourself back in is.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: The goal of healing is not to spend the rest of your life becoming better and better at predicting narcissistic behavior.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: The goal is to reach a point where somebody else's behavior no longer determines the architecture of your life.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: Their mood doesn't determine your mood.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: Their accusations don't automatically become your identity.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: Their version of you doesn't become your mirror.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_00: Their smear campaign doesn't become your biography, and their anger doesn't become your instruction manual.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_00: If you are in that middle stage right now where you understand the pattern intellectually, but you haven't completely escaped its emotional power, please give yourself some grace.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because you can recognize love bombing and still miss the person they become during it.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: You can understand that other people are being used to pressure you and still wonder whether maybe everybody else is right.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: You can know the smear campaign is false and still desperately want to defend yourself.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding a pattern and becoming emotionally free from it are two different processes.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_00: Your mind can understand something before your nervous system catches up.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_00: So in closing, if this episode resonated with you and you are trying to understand what happened to you in a narcissistic relationship, break a trauma bond, rebuild your self-trust, or figure out what comes next, I offer private one-on-one coaching.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: I also have my comprehensive narcissistic abuse recovery course and my private recovery community where we go much deeper into these dynamics and the healing process.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you can find all of those resources on my website at www.jillwise.com.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, thank you so much for spending this time with me.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who has started seeing the pattern and is wondering why the person in their life suddenly seems to be cycling through charm, pressure, anger, accusations, and attempts to regain control, please consider sharing this episode with them.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to leave you with this.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_00: When the narcissist realizes you have figured them out, they may try very hard to convince you that you are the one who has changed.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you have.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you finally stopped confusing confusion with love.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, just maybe you stopped asking permission to trust yourself.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you stopped auditioning for a role you never agreed to play.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe the real reason the old relationship suddenly can't function the way it used to is actually very simple.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: The old version of you isn't available for that job anymore.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_00: See you next time, everyone.