Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #766 This Week in Parenting: Have You Married A Doesband?

Transcript

#766 This Week in Parenting: Have You Married A Doesband? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, I'm actually going to take a position on this
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: that I didn't take on a current effect because I
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: wanted to be gentle. But I think seventy nine is
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: too old have become a.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Dad And now here's the stars of our show, my
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  Speaker 1: mum and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson, the founder of Happy
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: Families dot com dot au. I'm here with my very sore,
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: achy wife.
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  Speaker 3: I can't believe you're telling everybody.
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  Speaker 2: That Kylie has just started trying out a new form
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  Speaker 2: of exercise and has muscles in places she didn't know
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  Speaker 2: that she has muscles.
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  Speaker 3: I might be literally the youngest person in the room
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  Speaker 3: by about twenty years, but these Polarti classes are using
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  Speaker 3: every single muscle in my body.
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  Speaker 2: How's the conversation with the way are you doing?
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  Speaker 3: Now?
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: Well? This is the great Why are you doing plarties
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  Speaker 2: with seven year olds?
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  Speaker 3: That's who goes?
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  Speaker 2: Really, I'm sure there has to.
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  Speaker 3: I feel like I'm seventy some days my body really aches.
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: But what I love about it is I'm a bit
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  Speaker 3: unco I don't have good coordination and you get to no. No.
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  Speaker 3: Whenever I go to exercise classes, by every single time,
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  Speaker 3: the instructor will pull me out or you know, point
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  Speaker 3: out where I'm going wrong and try to get me
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  Speaker 3: to do it while I'm in front of you know,
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  Speaker 3: twenty five other people, and it just makes me more
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  Speaker 3: unco by the minute. Whereas when you're on the Reformer,
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  Speaker 3: I don't see anyone. I can't I can't see what
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  Speaker 3: anyone else is doing. They can't see what I'm doing.
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  Speaker 2: It's great, it's the Reformer. It sounds like a really
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  Speaker 2: punishing exercise class. We're here to reform you.
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  Speaker 3: Have you not ever seen the Reformer tables that what.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: You're talking about. I'm just happy to ride my bike
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: and go surfing. Hey, today's conversation were the parents of
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  Speaker 2: six daughters, by the way, and today's conversation is this
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: week in parenting. Every so often on the podcast we.
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: You didn't do it right?
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  Speaker 2: How am I supposed to do it?
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  Speaker 3: This week?
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  Speaker 2: In parent of the facial expressions, guys, I wish we
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: were videoing this so that you could see Kylie's face
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: when she does this. I'm sure that Jr. Has done
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  Speaker 2: on the fancy sound effects to make you sound incredible
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: as you did that. Whenever there's parenting news, we kind
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  Speaker 2: of like to play with it. We like to keep
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: our finger on the pulse. We like to let you
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  Speaker 2: know that we know what's happening in the world of parenting.
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  Speaker 2: And today, two stories that I think are really fascinating
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  Speaker 2: about family life. One, there's a divorce lawyer on TikTok
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  Speaker 2: who is saying that he is seeing more and more
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  Speaker 2: women leaving their husbands for one core reason. We're going
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: to discuss that in a sec And Robert De Niro
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  Speaker 2: seventy nine years old, he's a dad again seventh time around.
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  Speaker 2: We're going to talk about that as well. Which one
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  Speaker 2: should we start with, Kylie?
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  Speaker 3: They're both as bad as each other. Whichever one you.
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  Speaker 2: Want, Okay, let's start with our divorce lawyer. The name
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  Speaker 2: of the gentleman is Dennis R. Vitrano Junior. He is
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  Speaker 2: a US divorce lawyer and this is what he had
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  Speaker 2: to say on TikTok. It's gone viral.
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  Speaker 4: You want to know the major theme that I'm seeing
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  Speaker 4: in the divorce industry as a divorce lawyer, as I
• 3:00
  Speaker 4: do consolets these days, I am seeing working moms doing
• 3:04
  Speaker 4: it all, and I'm seeing the husbands step back and say, Hanna,
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  Speaker 4: I'm got to do a thing. She's got the kids,
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  Speaker 4: she's got the grocery, she's got the laundry, she has
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  Speaker 4: got the meals, she's got the work. And by the way,
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  Speaker 4: she's making all the money and she's paying for the
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  Speaker 4: house and doing everything else. I'm gonna go to the firehouse,
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  Speaker 4: I'm gonna go play this. I'm gonna go hang out
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  Speaker 4: with my friends. That's the thing. And women are tired.
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  Speaker 2: Boom and it's blown up on TikTok. What's your initial response.
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  Speaker 2: You haven't heard that before. This is brand new fe
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  Speaker 2: you to hear and you didn't know what was coming.
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  Speaker 2: What do you think of Dennis R. Vitrano.
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  Speaker 3: Well, look, I don't want this to be a gang
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  Speaker 3: up on dads because I think that when you look
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  Speaker 3: at history, dads are doing more and are more hands
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  Speaker 3: on than they've ever been before.
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  Speaker 2: Well, many of them are. But what he's saying is
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  Speaker 2: there's a bunch of dads who are out there that
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  Speaker 2: aren't doing a thing. They're gaming, they're staying up late,
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  Speaker 2: they're having drinks with the boys, they're cycling too much.
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  Speaker 3: My suggestion is going to be that it's not that
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: they've stopped doing stuff. They never did it. They never
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: did it from the very beginning, and it wasn't a
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  Speaker 3: problem because it was just you and him. But as
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: the children have come along, and as circumstances have changed,
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  Speaker 3: and maybe you weren't working and now you are, I
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  Speaker 3: think there's a lot more going on than just dads
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  Speaker 3: aren't being involved.
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  Speaker 2: I remember a little while ago I was doing a
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  Speaker 2: Happy Family's Premium member Q and A. So, for those
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: of you who are not familiar with what this is,
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: our Happy Family's website has a premium membership group. You
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: pay eighteen bucks a month t one hundred and eighty
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: dollars a year, So we'll give you two three months
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: if you sign up for the year, and we do
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: a monthly Q and A. And I remember a mum
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  Speaker 2: saying I don't know what to do about my husband.
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  Speaker 2: I'm absolutely drowning. I've got the three kids, and I'm
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: the one that looks after them. Not all of them
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  Speaker 2: are at school yet, so I'm with them all day.
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  Speaker 2: I'm constantly tied in the house, constantly looking after the kids,
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  Speaker 2: doing all the school stuff. Doing the library, the sports
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  Speaker 2: day of the canteen, all that sort of thing. And
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  Speaker 2: then on the days that the younger kids do go
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: into daycare, I'm going to work to win the supplementary income.
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  Speaker 2: And what he does is he goes to work and
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  Speaker 2: then he comes home and he games. She said, He's
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: actually in the room next to me right now while
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: I'm asking this question, and he's playing shoot him up games.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: The kids are running around the house, and I just
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: need help. And so when I hear a story like that,
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: that really gels to me with what Dennis Vitrano, the
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  Speaker 2: Di Force law in the US, is saying.
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  Speaker 3: But my suggestion goes back to the fact that he
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  Speaker 3: hasn't just picked up a gaming console.
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  Speaker 2: Now this is live, long thing.
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  Speaker 3: And so the writing is mostly on.
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  Speaker 2: The wall potentially, but now the wall needs some writing
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  Speaker 2: described offer. I remember when you and I were early
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: in our marriage and I had this line that I
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  Speaker 2: would share with you all the time. This is before
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  Speaker 2: I had a PhD in psychology. This is back in
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  Speaker 2: the pretty early days, probably the first half a dozen
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: years of our marriage, and you used to get kind
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: of cranky at me for reasonable reasons, I guess, But
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: I didn't know what those reasons were. And I would say,
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: if you just tell me what's wrong, I'll help. Like
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  Speaker 2: it's not in my interest or your interest for our
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  Speaker 2: relationship to be ugly and messy. Just tell me what
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  Speaker 2: the matter is and I'll help. And you never wanted
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  Speaker 2: to tell me. You just figured that I should know well.
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  Speaker 3: And I think that with a lack of maturity. I
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  Speaker 3: guess what I thought was, you can see that I'm
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  Speaker 3: running one hundred miles an hour. Why can't you just
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  Speaker 3: pick up the pieces? Why can't you just fill in
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  Speaker 3: the gaps? Why can't you see things and use your
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: initiative and recognize that if I do this, it is
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: actually going to lighten her load.
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  Speaker 2: And my response was always I'm a husband, not a
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  Speaker 2: mind reader. And there's some really cool research that's out
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  Speaker 2: of it shows that if you ask a couple who's
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: doing what percentage of all the different jobs that need
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  Speaker 2: to be done, when they write down the percentages that
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: they're doing, and you add the two percentages together mine
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  Speaker 2: and yours, it usually adds up to more than one
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  Speaker 2: hundred percent. I usually think that I'm doing a little
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  Speaker 2: bit more than you think I'm doing, and you usually
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: think that you're doing a little bit more than I
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: think you're doing, or vice versa. Anyway, it always goes
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  Speaker 2: to more than one hundred percent. There's plenty of studies
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  Speaker 2: on this, but the communications so important, like you've got
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  Speaker 2: to let one another know because we're husbands not minder is.
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  Speaker 2: But I had a thought, Kylie, what was your thought?
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  Speaker 2: I thought, we don't need more husbands, we need more dusbands.
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  Speaker 2: A husband who does really a doesband. I didn't actually
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  Speaker 2: make that up. It comes from the Times of London article.
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  Speaker 2: Here's what it says, the partner every woman should have
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  Speaker 2: a duzband.
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  Speaker 3: Well it used to be a snag.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, now's a duzband. The secret to a happier marriage,
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  Speaker 2: more laughter, longer life and less anxious children. You won't
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  Speaker 2: find it in a self help book or motivational Instagram post.
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  Speaker 2: The answer is sitting next to you on the sofa,
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  Speaker 2: or snoring gently as your scroll on your phone. The
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: answer might be out with his pals tonight, but he
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  Speaker 2: put the kids down before he went so you could
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  Speaker 2: finish up at work. You've heard of the new man
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  Speaker 2: who cooks and the hands on dad who changes nappies.
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  Speaker 2: But what you really need is a dusband. That's what
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  Speaker 2: the times of London is so like a dustpan.
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  Speaker 3: So I know it sounds like I'm being a bit
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  Speaker 3: hard on the women, because I am one, and I've
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  Speaker 3: learned a lot of lessons over the years. I think
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: that as women, we actually are often our own worst enemy,
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  Speaker 3: and we don't advocate for ourselves enough. And in plenty
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  Speaker 3: of cases, I'm sure that the women are doing that
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  Speaker 3: and it's still not being heard and acted upon. But
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  Speaker 3: sometimes I know that over the years, I kind of
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  Speaker 3: saw being busy as a bit of a badge of honor.
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: The more I could achieve in a day, the more
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  Speaker 3: worth I was as a mother and wife. But it's
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  Speaker 3: so it's so toxic, and it's so disempowering for women.
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  Speaker 3: And if we can we can actually look into our
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: own lives and recognize the areas where we are actually
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: compounding the impact of what's happening, and then being able
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: to actually have a voice and articulate what it is
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: that we need. I wonder, if you know, as He's
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: seeing all of these these different couples and the challenges
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: they're having, I wonder how many of them are actually
• 9:09
  Speaker 3: sitting down once a week and planning the week and
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: going this is where I actually need your help.
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: Oh that's what we do.
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: This is where you know, can you step in here
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: because I can't actually I can't actually do all of it.
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and just those three questions, what's gone well this week,
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: what hasn't and what do we need to work on
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: this week? Like just getting on the same page. The
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: quality of the interaction makes all the difference. So it
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: really just comes down to communication more dusbands. But every
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: now and again we need to remember that there are
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: some guys that aren't having a go and they do
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: need to kick in the backside and hopefully they will
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: do better. And I'm not going to blame the victim
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: on those ones, because there are some guys who really
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: do just need to lift their game.
• 9:44
  Speaker 3: Well, now that you've said that, I don't want anybody
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: to think that I'm blaming the victim here. That's not
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: what I'm saying.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: No, I know, I know, but I want to It's
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: being accountable.
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: Yes, each each one of us plays a part in
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: a relationship, and it's about being accountable for what part
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  Speaker 3: I play in it. And sometimes it actually stepping up
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: and going do you know what. I've expected that you're
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: going to do this, but I haven't actually articulated it.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: Next, is seventy nine too old to become a dad?
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  Speaker 2: What do you think? Seventy nine? Robert de Niro has
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: just become a dad. It's been all over the news.
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: I know you have six kids, Shavan, Actually I just
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: had a baby. Yeah, congratulations.
• 10:26
  Speaker 5: Actor Robert de Niro has welcomed his seventh child at
• 10:29
  Speaker 5: the age of seventy nine, but did not divulge the
• 10:32
  Speaker 5: gender or name of the child or who the mother is.
• 10:36
  Speaker 5: There is quite an age gap between his children, with
• 10:38
  Speaker 5: his eldest child recently turning fifty one.
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: You know what, tell me, I actually don't care about
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: this stuff like this. Whatever he wants to do with
• 10:47
  Speaker 3: his life is totally up to him.
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  Speaker 2: So can we just talk about the biology of this
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: for a sec Women have a and I'm going to this.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: This is a terrible phrase to use. I actually feel
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: like I've stopped myself because I don't want to use it,
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: but I'm going to anyway. There's a timestamp, there's a
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: used by date on women's fertility. Right, the men don't
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: have We know that sperm degrades over time. The older
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: man gets the lower quality and the lower amount of sperm.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: But guys can keep on having children as long as
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: they can find a willing, young enough partner to have
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: those children with. Men can keep on having children into
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: their sixties and seventies and eighties. Doesn't happen very much.
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: But Robert de Nira, I mean, holy smokes. I was
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: talking to the team about this the other day in
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: one of our meetings. I said, I'm going to talk
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: about this in the podcast. What do you think? And
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: everyone went really quiet, and a team member who will
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: remain nameless, I won't say who it was, but she said,
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: it's kind of gross, like seventy nine years old. And
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: she said, I'm in my I'm in my early forties.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: That's kind of giving their way a little bit, but
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: not too much. She said, I'm in my early forties.
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: I can't imagine getting into bed with a guy who's
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: in his mid to late seventies. And then she paused
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: for a second. She goes, actually he is kind of handsome. No, no,
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: just look, just stop.
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: Well, clearly scenario has no issues. We're finding a healthy counterpart.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: Really not.
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: But for me, literally the only thing if I had
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: an opinion and I had to have, I had to
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: say something about it.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: Oh, here we go. I just here comes to scoop.
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: At seventy nine. How many more years does he have?
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: Well? And then you have to have more children.
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: You may know, I've got this child who becomes fatherless
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: because his dad's his dad's he's gone or not, maybe
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: not because of poor choices, because biologically it's his time.
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: So you're saying that a seventy nine year old father
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: is being selfish.
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: No, I'm not saying that. I just you've got I mean, obviously,
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: Robert Denaro, he will be able to provide for this
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: child financially in every single way possible. This child will
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: not have a single want, but the intrinsic need that
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: we all have to have loving parents there to guide
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: and direct and.
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: Just to love us. Well. I was on a current affair.
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: It's taken from him.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: To talk about this. It was a big enough story
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: that I was in a current affair just the other
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: day talking about it, and I dived into the research
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: and I found that they are both negative and positives
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: to being an older parent. It's mostly going to be
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: an older dad because Like I said, there's that expiry
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: date I guess on ovulation and the capacity to carry
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: a child as a woman negatives sperm degradation. It's associated
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: with some pretty challenging health and psychological issues, neurological issues, autism,
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: spectrum disorders go up. Also, a study from Stanford looking
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: at forty million births found that there was a higher
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: risk of birth defects fourteen percent, increase in premature birth,
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: fourteen percent, more likely to be low weight, eighteen percent
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: more likely to have seizures. That's comparing dads who are
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: over forty five with dads who are under thirty.
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: Five, where you'd have a similar list though for a mother.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: Over forty Yeah, that's right. Well you considered what's the
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: technical term that they use at like a high risk
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: birth if you're over thirty five is what they call it. Yeah,
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: but the pluses and the pluses are actually pretty substantial.
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: So We've got a friend who is sixty years old
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: and he's got a four year old, and I just
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: love watching him with his son because he's so in
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: love with being a dad as an older guy.
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: Well, in some ways, the child gets the benefits of
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: having an experienced dad who's been through a number of
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: times a lon't all of his lessons, but also kind
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: of a grandparent.
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's kind of how he is and so laid back.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: He's so much fun. He has that time. And the
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: research shows that older dads tend to be more financially
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: better off, and so do their kids. They also, interestingly,
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: on average, have slightly higher IQs. Don't know why. A
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: British medical journal from twenty twelve showed that kids that
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: are born to older parents are more likely to have
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: higher levels of emotional health. I'm pretty sure that's because
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: of the quality of the emotional investment in children that
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: comes from those.
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: Older people say it can be their twenty four.
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: To seven and a twenty sixteen Danish study with more
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: than thirty thousand people, and it found that older parents
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: do tend to be better parents. They're also better educated,
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: they've got more life experience. So I'm still going to
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: go with I'm actually going to take a position on
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: this that I didn't take on a current affair because
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: I wanted to be gentle. But I think seventy nine
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: is too old to become a dad. I just I
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: agree with you. I'm not into that, but for older
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: parents generally, that is, parents who are able to be
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: rearing their children up to their fifties and even their sixties,
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: it seems like there's a whole lot of evidence that
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: supports it. And other than the fact that your biological
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: prime is in your twenties, that's the best time to
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: be having physiologically having babies. There's plenty of advantages to
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: waiting a while. And given that the average age of
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: paternity now first time paternity is about thirty one in
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: Australia and the average mum is about twenty nine and
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: a half to thirty for the first time first time mothering,
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: I think that it's probably not a bad thing that
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: that's happening, and it seems to be working out reasonably
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: well according to the research.
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: If I had a choice between greater IQ or having
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: my dad, I'd pick my dad every time.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: Oh jem, I'm talking to you about this stuff. The
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media.
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. Thanks so much for
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: listening to this Week in Parenting. We'll be back tomorrow
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: with I'll Do Better Tomorrow. On The Happy Families podcast