Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Why some narcissists wait on you to reach out to them

Transcript

Why some narcissists wait on you to reach out to them · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on, beautiful people?
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  Today we're going to be talking about how some narcissists want
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  you to be the one that reaches out to them first when the
• 0:08
  relationship ends. If you're new here, my name is
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  Lee Hammock. I'm a diagnosed self aware
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  narcissist. Welcome to another episode of
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  The Narcissist Code. Welcome back, welcome back,
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  welcome back. Hope y'all like that.
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  Folks don't like that we have a little thing.
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  Lee Hammock. Oh, is that new?
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  Y'all like that? Stay or go, Stay or go, stay or
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  go. I'm about to start shooting
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  short films, so I had to use it. Get that anyway.
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  So it's part of this, it's part of this, the spiel now.
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  But yes, y'all some nurses. Won't you be the first one to
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  reach out? But Lee, why?
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  Why do they play hard to get? Why is it so childish?
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  Yeah. And the crazy thing about it is,
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  even if they are the ones that did you wrong, even if they are
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  the ones who treated you horribly and did you wrong and
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  did all this horrible stuff to you, they are still going to
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  want you to be the one that reaches out to them.
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  But why, Lee? Why can't they did US horrible
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  and they they broke up with us and or I broke up with them.
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  Why the hell can't they just be adults and just reach out?
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  And this doesn't have to be your girlfriend or your boyfriend,
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  your husband, your wife, or your spouse.
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  This can be your parent or your friend or whoever it is.
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  They want you to reach out first because it allows them to avoid
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  accountability. There, I said it in the video.
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  Click no. But seriously, it allows them to
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  avoid accountability because in their minds, y'all, in their
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  minds, they feel like because you are the one that reached
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  out, all is forgiven. All is forgiven.
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  It's black. It can be dead black and white.
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  Believe what the hell? How how is it dead black and
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  white? Because that's how narcissist
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  minds work. Avoidance, conflict avoidance.
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  Not everything on narcissist that you meet is going to be
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  like super into like super like they're not going to be super
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  angry or rageful or wanting to have this conflict with you.
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  There are a lot of narcissists they're going to try to going to
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  try to avoid conflict with you at all costs.
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  They don't want to argue. They don't want to fuss.
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  They don't want to face accountability because
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  accountability brings in the shame.
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  The shame monster comes into a narcissist's life and a lot of
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  times refuses to leave until it's dealt with.
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  You got to shame is like you got to deal with me.
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  Shame. Say you got to deal with me.
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  You cannot run for me. You know you cannot run for me.
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  You cannot escape me. You have to deal with me, right.
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  And that's the mind of a lot of narcissistic people right there.
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  They want you to have to deal with them.
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  So they refuse to leave. Like they refuse to reach out to
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  you. Yeah, they won't won't they
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  won't reach out. Yo, they it's it's a like and
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  they they can they can go on for a long time.
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  Yes. This is part of the reverse
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  Hoover. I know people like Lee.
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  They sound like the reverse Hoover.
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  It is. This is part of the of the
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  reverse Hoover. The reverse Hoover really
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  doesn't have to do anything. But the narcissist, the reverse
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  Hoover, it's on you. It's on you to reach out to
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  them. The narcissist just disappears.
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  They go ghosts, they just start living their life.
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  They ignore you, whatever. They want you to Hoover yourself
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  back in because when you Hoover yourself back in, it allows them
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  to avoid the shame. Because why are you contacting
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  me? If you are so hurt, if you're so
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  damaged, if you're so sad, why the hell are you reaching out to
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  me? Why are you contacting me?
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  You know, why are you doing this?
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  Why are you doing that? Why is this going on?
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  That's the mindset of a lot of narcissistic people right there.
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  Like it can be that black and white right there.
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  You are contacting me, so you must be OK with my behaviors.
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  That's why most of the times when you take them back after
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  you were the first one to break no contact, you're the first one
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  to reach out to them. That's why they treat tend to
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  treat you worse because they feel like now I know what I can
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  get away with. Now I know what you will.
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  Now I know what you will allow, you know, Now I know what's
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  acceptable in this relationship. Believe it.
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  I don't think that's acceptable. Then you got to stop reaching
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  out to them. It could be.
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  I know it's not that simple. I know the trauma bond exists.
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  I'm just speaking in simplified terms.
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  At the end of the day, in order to heal and grow and get past
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  this, you got to stop reaching out to them.
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  You have to, because if you don't, you know what I mean.
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  If you don't, that's where the mind goes.
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  You know that's where it goes. They think that you, they think
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  that you are OK with the behavior.
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  So they treat you worse. So because like, think about
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  this right here, think about the foundation of the floor of a
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  house, right? Like the like this, this, the
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  floor of the house is this is your relationship right here,
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  right? The floor, once you take them
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  back, there's a new floor. It's like a float.
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  This is a floating floor. Now they put, they, they don't
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  put like they don't pull up the old tiles.
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  They put new tile on top of it. If y'all know anything about
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  home home renovation, you don't do that.
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  You don't you don't slap tile over tile.
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  That's what they do. It's rough.
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  It doesn't come back together. It doesn't.
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  There you go the floor Creek when you walk on it, the
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  structural issues crack, creaking, cracking everywhere.
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  It's annoying. It can be annoying as hell to
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  deal with, right? This is the process that so many
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  people fall into. This is the dynamic that so many
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  people fall into. That's why I've been trying to
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  just trying to tell y'all like narcissistic people, toxic
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  people are going to continue to do this type of stuff.
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  They just are. They want to win at all costs.
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  They want to do this type of stuff at all costs.
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  So they're going to continue to be abusive.
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  They're going to continue to be neglectful.
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  They're going to continue to treat you badly, especially if
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  you are the first one to reach out to them.
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  Like that's why I say when I tell you, when I say don't break
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  no contact. This is why, like Willie, I've
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  been no contact for so long, but then I just cracked.
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  I was sad one night, I was sad one night and I decided to reach
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  out to them and now they're angry at me.
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  Or, or, or you reach out to them y'all and guess what happens A
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  lot of times they don't. You reach out to them and y'all
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  don't end. Y'all don't end up back
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  together. You reach out to them.
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  They might acknowledge you, but then they start ignoring you.
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  I literally just got a question on YouTube about that a little
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  while ago. Somebody was like, why do I when
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  I reach out to them, they ignore me.
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  They keep begging to talk to me. Then why I reach out?
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  They ignore. Same.
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  Same type of dynamic. Once you reach out to me, I know
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  that you still want me. So now I don't have to work hard
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  to get you back. I don't have to promise to
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  change. I don't have to do anything
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  because you reach out to me. Now I can ignore you, take my
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  own sweet time and make you want me more.
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  Now I can play hard to get. Now even it ain't no fun with
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  the rapper. It ain't no fun when the rabbit
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  got the gun. Yeah, but also it ain't it ain't
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  fun for the rabbit when the hunter get the gun back.
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  You see what I'm saying? When the hunter get the gun
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  back, it definitely no fun for the rabbit in this situation.
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  You might be the rabbit. You see what I'm saying?
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  You had the gun, but you got like you, you, you fought the
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  hunter. You're the rabbit, right?
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  You fought the hunter. You, you Bugs Bunny.
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  You fought Elmer Foot for the gun.
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  You got the gun Bugs hop off. Nope.
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  You hand them the gun back and they start chasing you.
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  You hand your bugs money, you hand Elmer foot the gun back and
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  now he's chasing you through the woods.
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  He's chasing through the woods. I'm a hunting rabbit.
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  And the rabbit just gave me the gun back.
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  So now I have a now I have a tool to hunt them with.
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  You see what I'm saying? Stop giving the rabbit the gun.
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  Don't give it back to them. Don't let it.
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  Don't let, don't let them have it.
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  I mean another rabbit. Stop giving the hunter the gun
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  back. And there's nothing wrong with
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  being a rabbit, y'all. That's not me being
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  disrespectful. That's just me saying, hey,
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  look, you got the power, you got the juice, now you got the
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  juice. Hold on to it, squeeze it.
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  Squeeze all the juice out of it. You are like y'all, you are in
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  control. The narcissist or the toxic
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  person, they want you to feel like you're not.
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  They want you to feel like they are in control.
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  They want you to feel like they have all the power, right?
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  But they don't. They do not have all the power.
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  They do not have all the control.
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  They do not you. You have to just follow through
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  with it. You have to empower yourself,
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  not reach out to them. If it's over, it's over.
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  Especially if they've done you horrible and you're the one
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  reaching out to them, begging them.
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  Then they're going to keep doing the same thing over and over
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  again. Why would they change it?
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  Why would they change their behavior that they feel like
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  they get rewarded for? Why would they change their
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  behavior that they feel like they get rewarded for?
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  If you'd give a dog a treat that poops in the house is going to
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  keep pooping in the house because it gets rewarded for
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  pooping in the house. If you want to change the
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  behavior, you have to change the reward.
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  You see what I'm saying? You have to change the
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  permission structure. When you reach out to them,
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  you're giving them a permission structure to treat you badly.
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  Believe. Why don't they just be adults?
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  Because they're not adults. They're adults and body, but
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  they're not adults mentally, emotionally, emotionally,
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  they're not adults mentally. They're like I said, they could
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  be a grown ass adult. They could be 4050, sixty years
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  old, but at the end of the day, they're still kids internally.
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  They're still emotional kids. They're still emotional
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  children. This is how the mind of a
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  narcissist works. That's why we're telling y'all,
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  you got to stay in power and not reach out to them because the
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  more you reach out to them, the more you beg and plead for them
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  to come back, the less they, like I said, the less they have
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  to do. And the crazy thing about it is,
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  y'all, if you reach out to them and you and like, and they start
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  ignoring you, right? You reach out to them, they
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  acknowledge you, but then they start ignoring you.
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  Guess what happens if you somehow get bored and get tired
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  of reaching out to them and being ignored and you start
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  making creating distance from yourself for yourself.
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  You got no contact or whatever, they might start chasing after
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  you. Now.
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  It's a damn game y'all. It's a game.
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  And the fact that they can do that, it shows you it's
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  intentional. There are so many people out
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  here that are trying to survive and trying to thrive and trying
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  to live the life that they deserve, but they can't because
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  they're in toxic relationships. They can't because you're in a
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  you're in this toxic cycle that you can't, you seem like you
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  can't escape. You can't.
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  There was just saying like wherever you are right now,
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  whoever you're with right now, you can absolutely empower
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  yourself to not reach out to them.
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  Get in the support group. I have a support group called
• 9:56
  the Mental healers. You can find
• 9:58
  everything@mentalillness.net. You can find all my, all my.
• 10:02
  I do one-on-one coaching. I do a lot of different things.
• 10:04
  You don't have to join my support group.
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  You can join anybody else's support group.
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  I just want you to get the support.
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  I want you to get the help you need.
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  I want you to thrive. I want you to survive.
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  I want you to keep, I want you to keep moving forward.
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  I want you to have the ability and power to just thrive because
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  that's the mindset that I want you to have.
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  The more, the more thriving you do, the more thriving you do,
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  the more you win, the happier I am.
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  Lee, you get supplied for these videos only when y'all win.
• 10:27
  I want y'all. I like hearing stories about
• 10:29
  y'all winning like Lee Hammock helped me win.
• 10:32
  I'll be happy as hell. I'll be thriving.
• 10:34
  I'll be, I'll be a thriver. I'll be thriving in my happiness
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  because y'all won. Don't reach out to them.
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  But I'm telling you, once you reach out to them, you give them
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  a permission structure, you know, You know, back in the
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  school days, back in my younger days, back in my younger days,
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  you had to get permission slips signed by your parents to go on
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  a field trip or something like that, same type of thing.
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  You're giving them, you signing their permission slip for them
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  to treat you horribly. You're signing the permission
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  slip for them to be horrible to you, be toxic to you or not you
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  signing their permission slip and you got to stop doing it.
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  Stop signing the permission slip.
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  Stop repeating, stop doing it. Y'all, I'm telling you, you can
• 11:11
  win this battle. You can absolutely win.
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  Be with y'all they off make to the end of this video.
• 11:17
  I truly appreciate y'all for ride with me this far.
• 11:20
  Subscribe to the channel if you already haven't.
• 11:22
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• 11:24
  It was just insane. Which is insane.
• 11:26
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• 11:30
  to the channel subscribe. It says 50% of the people who
• 11:32
  don't who watch the videos don't subscribe.
• 11:33
  I understand you don't have an account, but I appreciate you
• 11:36
  watching anyway. Mr. Hood, this is out.
• 11:38
  Peace. Thank you so much for making it
• 11:40
  to the end of my video. I am extremely grateful for you.
• 11:42
  Have no idea. If you haven't already, make
• 11:44
  sure you go ahead and subscribe to the channel.
• 11:46
  Help us reach more people and click on the screen to watch
• 11:48
  another video or to browse to another playlist.
• 11:50
  There's also a link on the screen to check out my courses
• 11:53
  and my support groups to help you heal and understand what
• 11:55
  you've been through. Thank you so much again.
• 11:57
  I will see you in the next video.
• 11:58
  Peace.