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Radical Transparency with Stephanie Hutchins, PhD · The Trauma Therapist

0:00
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Trauma Therapist podcast. My name is Gamiferson.
0:04
Speaker 1: I interview incredible people who've dedicated their lives to helping
0:07
Speaker 1: those who've been impacted by trauma. A big thank you
0:11
Speaker 1: to our sponsors and our guests who are supporting this show.
0:15
Speaker 1: So five, four, Marie, two and one, our folks, welcome
0:19
Speaker 1: back to the podcast. Very excited to have my guest today,
0:22
Speaker 1: doctor Stephanie Hutchins. Stephanie, welcome, Thanks so much for having me.
0:27
Speaker 1: I'm really excited to be here.
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Speaker 2: Awesome.
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Speaker 1: So. Doctor Hutchins is the founder of Seratonous Life, a
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Speaker 1: coaching and wellness company dedicated to helping people heal from
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Speaker 1: trauma and burnout and build resilience. She's the author of
0:40
Speaker 1: Transformation after Trauma, and her upcoming book is titled See
0:45
Speaker 1: Through the Art and Costs of Radical Transparency in a
0:49
Speaker 1: World that profits from pretending. With the unique blend of yoga, neuroscience,
0:53
Speaker 1: and post traumatic growth principles, she guised clients toward lasting transformation, energy, renewal,
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Speaker 1: and meaning. Stephanie offers one on one strategy sessions, teaches
1:03
Speaker 1: through webinars, and shares her personal and professional insights through
1:06
Speaker 1: her books and her blog the art and cost a
1:13
Speaker 1: radical transparency in a world that profits from pretending. I
1:16
Speaker 1: love that title. We're going to get into that before
1:19
Speaker 1: we do, however, share with the listeners where you're from
1:22
Speaker 1: originally and where you are currently.
1:24
Speaker 3: Okay, So again, thanks for having me, and so let's see,
1:28
Speaker 3: I was born and raised in this tiny little town
1:31
Speaker 3: and way upstate New York near the Canadian border, and
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Speaker 3: currently I am in India, So I know, so I
1:41
Speaker 3: am currently.
1:42
Speaker 4: I'm currently so I really made sure to test all
1:47
Speaker 4: the you know, the sound and everything before because I'm
1:51
Speaker 4: on a year long journey traveling throughout the world right
1:55
Speaker 4: now and I.
1:56
Speaker 3: Won't get back in the States until April. So six.
2:01
Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Wow, So would you just take, like, say, peace out?
2:05
Speaker 2: What is this?
2:08
Speaker 3: Well, I guess in a way you could say that
2:10
Speaker 3: I did so.
2:13
Speaker 4: So.
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Speaker 3: I have an extensive trauma history and it's why I
2:18
Speaker 3: chose to specialize in trauma recovery with my practice Seratinus Life.
2:24
Speaker 3: But you know, I've also been a professor at the
2:27
Speaker 3: same time, and it's like I also, I've always loved
2:31
Speaker 3: to travel. I've been on six continents. I'm hoping to
2:34
Speaker 3: get on my seventh soon and seven years ago, I
2:38
Speaker 3: set this goal that I was going to be able
2:42
Speaker 3: to control when I worked, where I worked, and I
2:47
Speaker 3: set out a mission to create that. And that's where
2:50
Speaker 3: my business came about. Is I was like, I want
2:52
Speaker 3: to help people, but I also want to be able
2:54
Speaker 3: to have the flexibility to work from anywhere. And just
2:59
Speaker 3: something thing has happened that I over the past, I've
3:02
Speaker 3: wanted to go into business for myself full time for
3:06
Speaker 3: a long time, but I kept sabotaging myself that all
3:10
Speaker 3: of the things from my past, from my traumas, it
3:13
Speaker 3: all came forward anytime I tried to step out. And
3:19
Speaker 3: so over the past year, I have been really working
3:23
Speaker 3: super hard on addressing all of the limiting beliefs, all
3:28
Speaker 3: of the ways I've sabotaged myself in the past to
3:31
Speaker 3: be able to work through them. And during this process,
3:35
Speaker 3: I just as I was working on letting go of
3:38
Speaker 3: the limiting beliefs, I was like letting go of all
3:41
Speaker 3: sorts of other things. I started letting go of my
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Speaker 3: full time job, and then I like go my part
3:46
Speaker 3: time job. I let go of people and things that
3:49
Speaker 3: didn't serve me, and I was like, it's time, and
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Speaker 3: it's just and now I started traveling. I submitted grades
4:00
Speaker 3: May second, twenty twenty five, hopefully for the last time
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Speaker 3: at least for a while. And I started traveling and
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Speaker 3: since then, I've been in twelve countries. I stepped foot
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Speaker 3: on my last four states in the US.
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Speaker 2: And well, are you traveling alone? Yep, yep.
4:19
Speaker 1: So yeah, let me ask you something.
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Speaker 2: First of all, damn so inspiring. Just let's get that
4:28
Speaker 2: out right away. But you said something I want to
4:32
Speaker 2: dial in on.
4:33
Speaker 1: You said, I started, excuse mean kind of addressing like
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Speaker 1: all the limiting beliefs. Yeah, what does that mean?
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Speaker 2: What did you do? What does that mean?
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Speaker 1: Picking up a self one self help book ap for another?
4:49
Speaker 1: What does that mean?
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Speaker 3: So it meant that I actually took time to dissect.
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Speaker 3: Now I've been an anatomy professor for many years, so
4:57
Speaker 3: so dissecting is something that i'm and I took the
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Speaker 3: essentially the principles I use in anatomy and and really
5:05
Speaker 3: broke it down and looked at every facet of my
5:08
Speaker 3: life and looked at not just limiting beliefs with you
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Speaker 3: know what. So I looked at, you know, what are
5:15
Speaker 3: the things that have come up that have stopped me
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Speaker 3: from pursuing full time uh, you know, writing and coaching
5:21
Speaker 3: practice in the past. I looked at what are my
5:23
Speaker 3: beliefs about money that have held me back in the past,
5:27
Speaker 3: what are my beliefs about you know, certain relationships, And
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Speaker 3: I just went through every facet of life and I
5:35
Speaker 3: started yep, yep, yep yeah. And I started really was
5:42
Speaker 3: being very meticulous about examining these areas that I kept
5:49
Speaker 3: hitting up against. And you know, I'm I'm very self aware.
5:52
Speaker 3: I'm always doing a lot of work on myself, reading books,
5:55
Speaker 3: going to workshops, but I had to really spend time
6:02
Speaker 3: with each area. And sometimes it meant that when I
6:07
Speaker 3: got stuck on a certain area, I would work through it,
6:12
Speaker 3: you know, with a friend or family members. But then
6:16
Speaker 3: sometimes it meant going to therapy. One thing, I've struggled
6:19
Speaker 3: with an eating disorder for thirty years and tried treatment
6:24
Speaker 3: in different ways. It was associated with my trauma. It
6:27
Speaker 3: started early on with early trauma, and I said, you
6:31
Speaker 3: know what, the treatment I've been doing for my eating
6:34
Speaker 3: disorder is not working, so I need a more intensive
6:38
Speaker 3: treatment for it. So I went through in every area,
6:42
Speaker 3: started seeing, Okay, what have I done so far, what
6:46
Speaker 3: has worked? What hasn't and worked on trying to address
6:50
Speaker 3: those things. Now, what I'll say is that doesn't mean
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Speaker 3: they're all gone. So it doesn't mean that all these
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Speaker 3: things I've been working on or have just vanished, but
7:02
Speaker 3: bringing them to the surface and meeting them I to
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Speaker 3: eye and saying, you know, why are you still here?
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Speaker 3: And what is you know? What are the parts of
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Speaker 3: me that are still trying to tell me something? And
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Speaker 3: I've been trying to, you know, run away from and
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Speaker 3: and quiet and really instead listen to those those parts
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Speaker 3: of myself that I've been trying to silence for a
7:27
Speaker 3: long time. And I think that's part of where se
7:31
Speaker 3: Threw came from. Is just the the piece. Yeah, and
7:35
Speaker 3: I know you want to say, but that's that's a
7:37
Speaker 3: whole making things visible that weren't visible before.
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Speaker 2: I love that. I so appreciate that.
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Speaker 1: If I was listening to this podcast right now, I
7:47
Speaker 1: would be stopping on the side of the road jotting
7:50
Speaker 1: down your name and like, who is this incredible wood? Seriously, seriously,
7:56
Speaker 1: we've never met before, right, we never do. I don't
8:00
Speaker 1: don't know you, but look at you, Look what you're doing,
8:02
Speaker 1: Look how inspiring you are. We haven't even gotten in
8:07
Speaker 1: we started all this. Seriously, Stephanie, this is this.
8:12
Speaker 2: Is what really this podcast is about. I mean, what
8:17
Speaker 2: you're doing, you're doing it.
8:20
Speaker 1: You're I don't know, you might you probably might be
8:22
Speaker 1: used to it to whatever degree, but a lot of
8:24
Speaker 1: us are like, holy, that is amazing. So let's start
8:30
Speaker 1: get back. How did all this start for you? I
8:32
Speaker 1: know you touched upon your childhood, but what the heck
8:36
Speaker 1: was going on?
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Speaker 3: So so the trauma piece is what you're asking, how
8:41
Speaker 3: did that?
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Speaker 2: I mean, and to the degree that you're comfortable sharing.
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Speaker 3: Of course, of course, and I give a summary version
8:49
Speaker 3: because it's it's it's quite extensive. So so I have
8:55
Speaker 3: been sexually abused by eight men between the ages of
9:01
Speaker 3: nine and nineteen, and the first three were family members.
9:07
Speaker 3: That does not include the time that I was physically
9:10
Speaker 3: assaulted from behind at knife point at sixteen, and then
9:14
Speaker 3: at twenty five, I found the love of my life dead.
9:19
Speaker 3: So life has been pretty hard on me.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, like that just the person just so cause no,
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Speaker 2: he was So.
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Speaker 3: This is a thing and I share my books about
9:34
Speaker 3: this that this man his name was Stan And obviously
9:38
Speaker 3: with all this sexual trauma I've had, I've had a
9:42
Speaker 3: troubled history with men in my past and men loving
9:46
Speaker 3: and you know, not loving and respecting me. And this
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Speaker 3: man Stan, I was twenty five and he was fifty,
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Speaker 3: and he was the first man who ever really loved
10:00
Speaker 3: and respected me. And but the reality was is he
10:05
Speaker 3: was not a healthy man. He was an alcoholic, he
10:09
Speaker 3: was a drug addict, and he was on life parole.
10:14
Speaker 3: And so but I didn't give a damn about any
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Speaker 3: single one of those things because for the first time
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Speaker 3: in my life I was being loved and doted upon
10:26
Speaker 3: and and but loving a man with that those sets
10:32
Speaker 3: of experiences, an active, active addiction was bound to be
10:41
Speaker 3: troublesome because within the first three weeks of our relationship,
10:46
Speaker 3: I had to give him CPR because he almost died
10:48
Speaker 3: of a heroin overdose. And and what had happened is
10:56
Speaker 3: a whole series of things like So at twenty five,
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Speaker 3: I met him, and even though we had all of
11:04
Speaker 3: these things, I still had never experienced a love like that,
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Speaker 3: And so I still spent planned to spend my life
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Speaker 3: with him, and we were getting ready to close on
11:16
Speaker 3: a house together. And I had never talked about any
11:20
Speaker 3: of my traumas from my past, never so I said,
11:26
Speaker 3: I with anyone, anybody. I had one experience with one
11:30
Speaker 3: family member that I told about when I was young,
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Speaker 3: and it did not go anywhere. It was for various reasons,
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Speaker 3: and I believe that my family was doing the best
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Speaker 3: they could at the time, but it was never spoken
11:51
Speaker 3: about and nothing was done. And so all of my
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Speaker 3: other abuses after that, I just kept them silent as
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Speaker 3: well and never talked about any of them. But then,
12:01
Speaker 3: now having somebody that I thought I could really depend on,
12:06
Speaker 3: I decided to seek therapy for the first time. When
12:10
Speaker 3: right before we closed on the house. So listen to
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Speaker 3: all this. I'm getting ready to close on the house.
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Speaker 3: I just started my PhD program. Okay, so this is
12:22
Speaker 3: January twenty twenty eight. I just started my PhD program.
12:25
Speaker 3: I just started therapy talking about for the very first
12:28
Speaker 3: time I traumas from the past. And I didn't even
12:32
Speaker 3: tell Stan that I was going to go to therapy
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Speaker 3: and divulge all this I needed to be ready to
12:37
Speaker 3: talk about. And literally the day I was going to
12:40
Speaker 3: sit down and tell him about the traumas, he found
12:43
Speaker 3: out his mother had terminal cancer, and so I didn't
12:48
Speaker 3: tell him, and two weeks later, Stan and I watched
12:52
Speaker 3: her die right in front of us. I and then
12:57
Speaker 3: a week and a half later I found him dead
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Speaker 3: from a went overdose. And then a week and a
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Speaker 3: half after that, I closed down the house that we
13:05
Speaker 3: were supposed to move into together, and I crumbled. I
13:11
Speaker 3: crumbled after that and life, you know, So I'm flooding
13:18
Speaker 3: with all of these things, trauma from the past, current traumas.
13:23
Speaker 3: I'm in a home where alls I can think about
13:26
Speaker 3: is all the plans we had for the home. And
13:29
Speaker 3: I fell into a really deep, deep depression and I
13:33
Speaker 3: didn't I didn't think I was going to get out
13:35
Speaker 3: of it, but I did. I did, and and so
13:41
Speaker 3: now that's part of the mission here, is giving people
13:45
Speaker 3: hope that no matter no matter how bad how about
13:50
Speaker 3: it gets, and how lost you feel, that you just
13:54
Speaker 3: got to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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Speaker 3: And that's why my practice I specialize in post traumatic growth,
14:03
Speaker 3: in particular, because I truly believe is that these extreme,
14:10
Speaker 3: like amazing life experiences I have of traveling the world,
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Speaker 3: and you know, all my adventures I have and my
14:17
Speaker 3: books and all these things wouldn't come without all the hardship.
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Speaker 2: So at some point you did you continue with therapy?
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Speaker 3: So I have had I got to take a deep
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Speaker 3: breath here because I've had a tumultuous relationship with therapy
14:42
Speaker 3: over time, and I am definitely an advocate of therapy,
14:46
Speaker 3: but it has taken me time to find good therapist.
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Speaker 3: So like the very first one, that one that I
14:57
Speaker 3: saw right before Stan died, I told her I was
15:01
Speaker 3: not religious, that I felt that God had abandoned me
15:06
Speaker 3: when I was a child, when I was experiencing all
15:09
Speaker 3: that abuse. What I didn't know is she was very religious,
15:13
Speaker 3: and that was something she pushed on other people, and
15:17
Speaker 3: she legitimately told me Stephanie, until you accept God into
15:21
Speaker 3: your life, you will never be healed. And I never
15:26
Speaker 3: came back, you know, I never went back after that.
15:29
Speaker 3: And so after that, I fell apart, and my mom
15:34
Speaker 3: was helping me financially during that time because I couldn't work.
15:37
Speaker 3: But I just kept getting worse, you know, aspiraling. I
15:39
Speaker 3: was drinking all the time, I was sleeping with all
15:42
Speaker 3: sorts of men, and I promised gouty got really bad,
15:46
Speaker 3: and she gave me an ultimatum one day, she said,
15:52
Speaker 3: unless you get help, I'm not going to be able
15:54
Speaker 3: to keep supporting you financially. And my sister, one of
15:59
Speaker 3: my sisters, as a therapist, and she had given she
16:02
Speaker 3: had found she didne some research, she found a therapist name,
16:05
Speaker 3: and my mom came with that therapist name in hand.
16:10
Speaker 3: And it took some time, but I decided to make
16:15
Speaker 3: an appointment with that therapist. And that therapist was a
16:21
Speaker 3: true blessing in.
16:23
Speaker 2: My life what way, because she.
16:26
Speaker 3: Gave me a safe a safe space. One thing is
16:32
Speaker 3: that she never pushed me further or faster than I
16:38
Speaker 3: was ready to go. And something that's very interesting about
16:41
Speaker 3: that is so my time with her was not continuous.
16:45
Speaker 3: I had a good clip of multiple years with her,
16:48
Speaker 3: but then she moved away and so for a few
16:51
Speaker 3: years I wasn't with her. I was with somebody else.
16:55
Speaker 3: And once we reconnected, when she moved back to the area,
16:59
Speaker 3: I knew she was back. We reconnected, she became a
17:01
Speaker 3: therapist again, and I told her by that time, in
17:05
Speaker 3: those few years that we were apart, I had started
17:08
Speaker 3: my coaching practice. Is that is when I, on my
17:12
Speaker 3: own first put together my entire timeline. So even though
17:18
Speaker 3: I had started therapy when I was twenty five, and
17:21
Speaker 3: I had been working with her I didn't actually put
17:23
Speaker 3: together how many men who had abused me and actually
17:26
Speaker 3: named each of the men and put it all together
17:30
Speaker 3: until much later, like I think it was mid to
17:35
Speaker 3: late thirties forty three now. And where I'm going with
17:39
Speaker 3: this is when I went back to see her after
17:43
Speaker 3: a few years hiatus, and I had all these discoveries.
17:47
Speaker 3: I had told her because I had sent a message
17:50
Speaker 3: to her when I found out she was back in
17:54
Speaker 3: the area and her name's Patricia, and I was like,
17:56
Speaker 3: oh my God, and I write about her in my books.
17:58
Speaker 3: I was like, Patricia, you were so like one of
18:03
Speaker 3: the best people that ever could have come into my life.
18:06
Speaker 3: And I told her those words, you never pushed me
18:08
Speaker 3: further or faster than I was ready to go. And
18:11
Speaker 3: when I saw her after those few years, I told
18:14
Speaker 3: her what I discovered. I told her about my timeline.
18:17
Speaker 3: I told her about the naming. I told her everyone
18:22
Speaker 3: and and she on the way out of that first
18:26
Speaker 3: appointment back together, I was standing up, I was walking
18:30
Speaker 3: toward the door, and she said, Stephanie, I got to
18:33
Speaker 3: ask you something. She said, you told me that one
18:37
Speaker 3: thing you appreciate about me is I never pushed you
18:40
Speaker 3: further or faster than you are ready to go. But
18:42
Speaker 3: you come in here and you tell me all of
18:44
Speaker 3: these things I never knew. She goes, I feel like
18:48
Speaker 3: I should have pushed you. I should have pushed you
18:52
Speaker 3: to get it out. And I said, And I might
18:55
Speaker 3: tear up thinking about this, I said, Patricia, I said,
18:59
Speaker 3: when you met me, I didn't want to live anymore,
19:03
Speaker 3: like I was barely clinging for survival. I said, how
19:07
Speaker 3: on earth I put all those memories on a shelf
19:11
Speaker 3: for a reason. I didn't address them until I was
19:14
Speaker 3: ready to. There is no way during the time that
19:17
Speaker 3: I was with you I would have been able to
19:19
Speaker 3: face especially the three family members who hurt me early on.
19:24
Speaker 3: I wouldn't have been ready. And so that is something
19:28
Speaker 3: that I truly believe. That she met me where I was,
19:34
Speaker 3: and she helped me take steps that were manageable for
19:39
Speaker 3: me at that time. And then when she met me,
19:44
Speaker 3: you know later on again, I was in a completely
19:47
Speaker 3: different place. I had a whole set of cooking strategies,
19:51
Speaker 3: and then we could dive further into those other traumas
19:55
Speaker 3: because I had I had the resources internal and extra
20:00
Speaker 3: all to be able to help to handle the onslaught
20:03
Speaker 3: of flooding that would come when handling those memories.
20:07
Speaker 1: Wow, what an incredible story. What sounds like an incredible person.
20:13
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of therapists don't truly don't
20:16
Speaker 1: understand how powerful such a seemingly kind of an innocuous
20:24
Speaker 1: act that is to be. And as you said, to
20:27
Speaker 1: meet that person where they are, to let them, let
20:30
Speaker 1: things unfold, and not to push, because pushing kind of
20:36
Speaker 1: implies an action, a doing that we can account that
20:40
Speaker 1: therapists can account for, you know, but I love that.
20:44
Speaker 1: Let me just remind everyone. Speaking with doctor Stephanie Hutchins,
20:47
Speaker 1: coach and author. Her new book is titled See Through
20:51
Speaker 1: the Art and cost a Radical transparency in a world
20:55
Speaker 1: that profits from pretend pretending Stephanie are, I'm realizing I'm
21:01
Speaker 1: going to have to have you back, not because I
21:04
Speaker 1: need to have you back, but I want to have
21:07
Speaker 1: you back. But there's so much more to talk with
21:10
Speaker 1: you about. But we haven't even gotten to the book yet.
21:13
Speaker 2: What what From everything you've.
21:16
Speaker 1: Talked about, it seems like you could you could have
21:19
Speaker 1: gone where you could still go in multiple directions about
21:23
Speaker 1: to write a book? Why this title? Why this book?
21:28
Speaker 1: What is this book?
21:29
Speaker 2: Who's it for Yeah.
21:31
Speaker 3: So so this is my fourth book, and I do
21:35
Speaker 3: believe that my books have come about in the same
21:43
Speaker 3: I guess path as my healing has taken. And so
21:48
Speaker 3: like the first one, Transformation after Trauma is about mostly
21:53
Speaker 3: about self care and I could that's what was needed
21:57
Speaker 3: in the beginning. Like like I said, I couldn't not
22:00
Speaker 3: address all those traumas until I had the ability to
22:03
Speaker 3: care for myself in a healthy way. And then, you know,
22:06
Speaker 3: the next one is on goal setting reclaim your life
22:08
Speaker 3: after trauma. You know, once I was able to cope,
22:12
Speaker 3: I was able to plan for a different future and
22:16
Speaker 3: create a path. And then but then on that path,
22:20
Speaker 3: there were still obstacles that came and that's where're moving
22:23
Speaker 3: forward and addressing all those obstacles. But now something else
22:28
Speaker 3: has emerged that as I get further and further away
22:32
Speaker 3: and further through my trauma healing, I'm seeing that there's
22:38
Speaker 3: something else that has been critical to get me to
22:40
Speaker 3: a new stage, and that has been radical authenticity. And
22:46
Speaker 3: what I mean by that is is essentially to stop pretending,
22:50
Speaker 3: to stop pretending I'm fine when I'm not, to IGNI
22:55
Speaker 3: you know, like for example, most people are shocked to
22:59
Speaker 3: know my history because I am so good at hiding it.
23:04
Speaker 3: I am a tell to like, I am a over
23:06
Speaker 3: chever perfectionist. Most I smile. I hide everything with a smile,
23:12
Speaker 3: and most people they just don't know.
23:15
Speaker 2: And but isn't isn't that okay? Do they have to know?
23:19
Speaker 2: Do they?
23:19
Speaker 1: You know?
23:20
Speaker 2: Isn't there the balance there? Right?
23:22
Speaker 3: Of course, of course? And so that's where in my
23:25
Speaker 3: book I talk a lot about boundaries and boundaries not
23:30
Speaker 3: just with others and with yourself, but also with your sharing.
23:35
Speaker 3: Not everyone has earned a right to your story, so
23:40
Speaker 3: so yeah, so definitely not everyone deserves to even hear
23:45
Speaker 3: the story. And even when it's told, you don't have
23:49
Speaker 3: to tell all of it. But when I talk about
23:52
Speaker 3: you know, telling you know the truth, essentially, it's it's
23:57
Speaker 3: not telling at all, it's being Discernment is very important
24:03
Speaker 3: in the process of learning to trust what you can
24:07
Speaker 3: hold and what others are capable of holding, and whether
24:11
Speaker 3: they deserve to know certain things. But it's also a
24:15
Speaker 3: matter of when to stop pretending like this whole like,
24:22
Speaker 3: especially with with like. One of my biggest masks has
24:26
Speaker 3: always been I'm fine, there's nothing wrong, I'm super strong,
24:29
Speaker 3: like I can handle anything, and what that has done
24:34
Speaker 3: has made it like I can never. I can never
24:36
Speaker 3: be weak, I can never I can never be vulnerable.
24:40
Speaker 3: I can never I can never let my nervous system relax.
24:45
Speaker 3: And one particular mission I am on right now is
24:48
Speaker 3: nervous system regulation. That I am working on bringing my
24:52
Speaker 3: nervous system down and letting it calm down in a
24:55
Speaker 3: way that it's never been able to. But the only
24:58
Speaker 3: way I can do that is to be honest about
25:02
Speaker 3: when something is not good for me, or a person
25:05
Speaker 3: or a situation is not good for me, and being
25:08
Speaker 3: willing to acknowledge that and not just keep putting on
25:11
Speaker 3: a smile and pretending that it's okay when it's not.
25:16
Speaker 3: Does that make sense?
25:17
Speaker 2: It? Does it?
25:18
Speaker 1: Does? I want to ask you what seems like an
25:25
Speaker 1: obvious question. I hope it's not just merely an obvious question.
25:29
Speaker 1: But why is radical transparency authenticity important for us?
25:38
Speaker 3: Because when we pretend that everything is okay when it's not.
25:48
Speaker 3: I truly believe, at least for myself, that a part
25:50
Speaker 3: of me dies every time, a little piece of me
25:54
Speaker 3: is lost every time I lie about about what is
26:01
Speaker 3: actually true for myself, and that doesn't mean that I
26:05
Speaker 3: always need to go around just saying everything, but it's
26:08
Speaker 3: it's also learning when and where is appropriate, you know,
26:13
Speaker 3: that is part of it. And these are things I
26:15
Speaker 3: talk about in the book all the you know, That's
26:17
Speaker 3: why it's called the art and cost, because there is
26:21
Speaker 3: an art to it. We don't just go and just
26:24
Speaker 3: you know, spill everything all the time. But it's also
26:29
Speaker 3: recognizing that there are repercussions to saying what we've never
26:36
Speaker 3: said before. It's going to make people uncomfortable, it's going
26:39
Speaker 3: to make us uncomfortable. We may lose people, we may
26:43
Speaker 3: face rejection. But what I feel is that that I
26:51
Speaker 3: feel it is a form of freedom that I am
26:54
Speaker 3: claiming when I am finally able to say, for example,
26:58
Speaker 3: I'm not okay, when previously I would have just smiled
27:02
Speaker 3: and kept going, because that pretending I'm okay when I'm
27:08
Speaker 3: not is just repeating a pattern from my childhood when
27:13
Speaker 3: I was being abused and kept pretending I was okay.
27:17
Speaker 3: My teenagers, the abuse was the worst, and I kept
27:21
Speaker 3: pretending I was okay, and that became my default. Always
27:26
Speaker 3: smile and make sure everybody's okay, and just stay strong
27:31
Speaker 3: and keep going and it almost killed me, like I
27:37
Speaker 3: just I just feel like I was destroying myself. And
27:44
Speaker 3: that's where I've learned, you know, practicing and I'm still
27:48
Speaker 3: not perfect at it, but about how to practice being
27:53
Speaker 3: authentic in ways that are safe. And I think that's
27:57
Speaker 3: the most important piece, is that it is not about
28:01
Speaker 3: trauma dumping. It is not just about being a jerk
28:04
Speaker 3: and just telling everybody exactly how you feel all the time.
28:08
Speaker 3: It's about honoring yourself and your nervous system in a
28:12
Speaker 3: way that you never have and nobody else ever has before.
28:17
Speaker 3: And I believe that I'm seeing a different version of
28:22
Speaker 3: me right now than I've ever seen before, because I'm
28:26
Speaker 3: finally seeing what's below all of it. When I unmask,
28:31
Speaker 3: you know, when I take the smile off, when I
28:33
Speaker 3: take the armor off and stop pretending I'm strong, when
28:37
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm falling apart, I'm meeting a different
28:40
Speaker 3: version of me. And I truly believe that that version
28:44
Speaker 3: of me is what got me to this point where
28:46
Speaker 3: I'm traveling the world full time right now. That I
28:51
Speaker 3: couldn't have gotten here without that honesty, without sitting and
28:56
Speaker 3: actually facing those parts of myself and those parts in
29:00
Speaker 3: my past that I've still kept sidestepping and kept hoping
29:04
Speaker 3: that just one day, miraculously it wouldn't affect me anymore.
29:09
Speaker 3: But that that was a little crap.
29:12
Speaker 1: You know.
29:12
Speaker 3: I had to face it, and I had to face
29:16
Speaker 3: you know, the patterns of thoughts and you know, habits
29:22
Speaker 3: that were keeping me stuck. And I had to face
29:25
Speaker 3: the people that I kept in my life that were
29:28
Speaker 3: not good for me in this new place that I
29:31
Speaker 3: was heading. I mean, all these things, these things I
29:33
Speaker 3: had to get rid of, people I had to get
29:36
Speaker 3: rid of, and not cleansing is has just been one
29:41
Speaker 3: of the most beautiful, beautiful parts of my healing journey
29:46
Speaker 3: so far.
29:48
Speaker 2: The other the other.
29:49
Speaker 1: Another aspect of that is that when we meet someone
29:54
Speaker 1: like yourself and hear you speak, it gives us permission
30:00
Speaker 1: to become more, to allow our own selves to come forth.
30:05
Speaker 1: I love that the book is called See Through the
30:10
Speaker 1: Art and Cost of Radical Transparency in a world that
30:13
Speaker 1: profits from pretending. Stephanie again, love to have you back,
30:17
Speaker 1: wherever the hell you are in the world.
30:19
Speaker 2: I want to connect with you again. Thank you so
30:23
Speaker 2: much for being.
30:23
Speaker 3: Here, Thanks for having me all right, We'll.
30:26
Speaker 2: Be in touch.
30:27
Speaker 1: Thanks