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Why Is There So Much Fear Around Setting Boundaries? · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
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  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, I just want to say thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend with me.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: And we are going to continue talking about boundaries.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: As I mentioned on the previous episode, this concept of boundaries has been a real hot topic with myself and my clients lately, whether they're younger or older, because as I've mentioned before, I work with you know teens all the way through mature adults.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it is something that keeps popping up is the fear around setting boundaries as well as just understanding where maybe the lack of boundaries has comes from.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Many times if we stood out, if we think about it thousands of years ago, you know, our ancestors uh if they stood out and spoke out of the tribe, so to speak, they they could end up not surviving.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so the factor around why we didn't learn great boundaries, you know, oftentimes can be traced back to our family of origin and can also be traced back to just the socialization that we've that we've grown up with.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but if we look at our family tree and just look at those relationships, or we look at how we we were brought up, or just the messages we received as young children around was it okay to speak up and say what your needs were, or was there um an issue or a conflict if you said something that didn't just kind of go with the flow?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: So when we think about, you know, why, you know, the question, why don't we have good boundaries, or why why is it difficult for us to set them?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oftentimes there was some message along the way that said that it was unsafe to um to speak up and to say something was not okay or that we didn't want something because there was a fear of abandonment or a fear of rejection or a fear of letting somebody down.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's why we say that a lot of people pleasers really struggle with boundaries.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, when we're in codependent relationships, there's a real struggle with setting boundaries because there's this need for self-expression and authenticity, and there's this also need for belonging and for relation relationships with others.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so if there is this thr uh uh perceived threat of not having a relationship with somebody, we might actually keep ourselves from setting a boundary.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why it's really important not to judge it, but to just get really curious about it and be compassionate with it and and ask ourselves, you know, without those boundaries, though, are we in relationships that really that really um feel good and are really authentic?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Or are we just being a version of, you know, not really our authentic self, but just a version, like a masked version of ourselves.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: So when we when we think about the reasons why we often struggle with it, it's again all about understanding that behind not having boundaries is truly fear, because we're we if we think about when we were younger too, I mean, we wanted we wanted to be loved.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that a lot of us just we strive to be loved and we want to know that we can be loved.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so if we think that we have if we think we set boundaries with people, they might not love us anymore.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm thinking about just a client session recently, and and my client really admitted that if she were to set boundaries with um with her child, she was afraid that it would forever break off the relationship between the two of them.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then of course we have to push it further and say, well, without the boundaries, is it a healthy relationship now?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Are you feeling good now?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then if we think about just gender roles, I mean, sometimes if we if we look back, you know, on the gender roles that sometimes happen in families or just in societies in in general, um, you know, sometimes it wasn't okay for women to set boundaries around things.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: And likewise for men as well.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: So it's all about what models we grew up with, and then asking ourselves, is that really how we want to continue to show up?
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  SPEAKER_00: Is that really us living into our best self?
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  SPEAKER_00: And and being able to say, you know, the world that I want to create, I want to feel fulfilled, and what do I need in order to do that?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And being able to set our own standards and what we're willing to accept versus what we're not willing to accept is a real uh big part of that process.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: So if we're really going to live into this idea of being our authentic self, being able to truly express ourselves and being able to create authentic relationships with others, we really have to give ourselves permission to say what we need, what we'll accept, and what we will not accept, and and draw our boundaries around that, draw our healthy boundaries around that.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And as I mentioned in the previous episode, healthy boundaries aren't rigid, they're not walls that we're erecting between us and another person.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: They're like a fence, they can be moved if they need to be moved, but they also need to be there in order to make sure that we're holding space for our own needs, wants, desires, not because we're being selfish, but because when we do that and we fill ourselves up, we then can engage in relationships with others from this whole and complete place, and we're not looking for somebody else to fill us up, and in a sense, we're not ending up in a codependent situation.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: So that that really just covers the topic of this question of like well, what why?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Why didn't I have boundaries?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Why is it so hard to set boundaries?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you're struggling with boundaries and want to talk more about it, by all means, feel free to reach out to me.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: We you can schedule a call with me at any time at chatwithcomony.com.
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  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, stay well.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: Username it's authentic me.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening.