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195. "I Thought I Worked Through That 😒" Why You Feel Stuck and How to Move Forward From Divorce · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:49
  Speaker 1: After 20 years of being a therapist, there is one phrase I hear more than others when I start working with a client and we are going to unpack it today and what it means about your divorce recovery Hi love, welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave and build back your confidence.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer and divorcee.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: After divorce, welcome to episode one of season four.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: This is a very exciting day, super excited to bring you this particular conversation, because I would like to add that, after having three seasons of the podcast in the can, that listeners from the podcast also say this same thing.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: Right, that we're going to unpack today, and so this phrase truly applies to you know, clients and patients that I've worked with, to podcast listeners, to especially, especially, especially to women who are going through divorce.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: So welcome to season four.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: This is going to be a absolutely on fire year of the podcast, so thank you for being here and for being a part of the conversation, for being the best part of this podcast.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: I want to take a moment to shout out my queen, lindsay.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: She is a subscriber to our premium content.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: Lindsay, take a breath, babe.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: You have so much courage and I can see that courage and I admire that courage and you are going to change the world with your courage.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: Thank you for being a premium subscriber, sending you so much love.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: Here's the phrase.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: I thought I worked through that.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: I thought I worked through that.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: I want you to take a deep breath right now and I want you to notice what your body said when you heard me say I thought I worked through that.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: I thought I worked through that, and this is some different word.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: So if you're not in tune with your body yet, no worries.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: I ask that question a lot when I work together one-on-one with folks, when I work together in groups with folks, right?
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: I'm asking all the time what'd your body say?
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: What'd your body say?
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Sometimes folks get annoyed because they can't answer it.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: That's okay, but we got to be in the inquiry, right?
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: So what'd your body say when you heard me use that phrase?
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: Well, I have a sense of what your body said and what your mind said, and so we're going to work through a handful of things to do with this phrase.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: I thought I worked through that today and the first thing that we're going to unpack around it is that you didn't fail.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: You didn't fail because it's not fully worked through and you've obviously been getting some evidence in your life lately that there are some things that you didn't work through Otherwise you wouldn't be getting divorced.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: So we know that that's the case, but no big deal.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that you failed and we're going to sort of dig into how to parse that out.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: We're also going to talk about how you can know whether or not you worked through a thing or not.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: Right, because how frustrating to feel like A I thought I already worked through it and B not to feel like you can trust your own assessment or your own evaluation.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: I think that that can really lead to some shutting down right, and some maybe feelings of shame or unworthiness, and none of that is the case.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: But I certainly wanna give you a metric that you can use to have a really measurable sense of whether or not you worked through something.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: And number three we are going to talk about the number one thing I believe you to be avoiding and the good news about the thing you're avoiding.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: I know that just sort of as a person and as a professional in this space, and you know, from the people I talk to and just from how I help people work past their stuck points, I know that people are people I talk to and just from how I help people work past their stuck points, I know that people are avoiding this particular thing and I know why they are avoiding it.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: And we're going to talk about what the good news, the really really freaking, stinking good news is about that thing.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: So, all right, here we go.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: You didn't fail, love, and it's really, really easy to go to this sort of place of self-doubt and self-deprecation, right?
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: Is that gosh?
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: I just got some feedback from life that says that I got some shit that I didn't sort out.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: But why am I saying that means that you didn't fail and that's because we learn primarily from experience.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: I don't know about you, but when I got divorced, I had more than one person say to me like I could have predicted that.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: There were plenty of people that were shocked, right, because on paper we were like a power couple, but there were a handful of the people closest to me that were like I could have predicted that, and I was sort of went through a phase of like infuriation, like why didn't you tell me?
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: And the answer is because you wouldn't have listened.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: That's sort of the bottom line, right?
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: Is that until we become aware of certain things, we're usually not willing to listen because we're just not a vibrational match for that information yet, and so we learn by experience.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: There is I can't remember who I heard say it, I think it was the author of the book Girl Wash your Face, which became super controversial down the road, but I think it was her who referred to books stacked on a shelf, right, when we read self-help books and we download all this really good information, we take courses as shelf esteem, we buy self-help books and it makes us feel better about ourselves that we have the books on the shelf and maybe we've read a few pages or we've learned some things or we can quote some Brene Brown.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: But until we've applied the things and practiced them consistently aka getting the reps in of, like doing them and screwing it up in real time we're not actually internalizing and integrating and learning in a way where we're going to move the needle.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: And so I'm also going to come back to the fact that if you've been in talk therapy or you've been practicing some faith or you've been, you know, doing yoga or meditating or using the Calm app or whatever, you've been using some tool to affect change in your life to this point, right, that's wonderful, and you've gotten a lot out of those things, but not enough out of those things to move the needle deep enough, like at a root layer, to have resolved the issue.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: You've influenced it some, but not enough to resolve it, and so you didn't fail.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: You haven't gone deep enough yet, and so I want you to really take a look at that, and I want you to look at what are the tools that you've used to this point in your life, and I want you to be willing to really honor and accept the fact that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: So the tools that you're using are wonderful.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: I'm not telling you to ditch those tools, but I'm telling you you need to add tools that go deeper, and specifically what I mean by that is quantum tools.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: Right, we talk about quantum tools here on this podcast.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: What quantum means and how to leverage it in your life is a whole different episode, that we're not going to get down that rabbit hole in this episode today.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: But if you're not using some quantum tools, then you're probably not going deep enough, right?
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: So, things that reprogram the subconscious mind, things that move energy in your body A short list of things are EFT, tapping, homeopathy, acupuncture, vagal breathing there's loads and loads of things that move quantum energy.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: But you didn't fail.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: You just didn't go deep enough, love.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: But it's great because we learned from experience and now you know that.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: So it's not valuable to go to a shame based place about it.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: It's just like oh okay, I have an opportunity here to address some things, now why you don't want to address them we're going to talk about in number three, right, but let's move to number two.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: Well, how do I know if I've worked through something or not?
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: And I think that this is such an important question, because people ask this question about a lot of things how do I know if I'm ready to date?
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: Because people ask this question about a lot of things.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: How do I know if I'm ready to date?
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: How do I know if I should leave the marriage or stay?
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: How do I know if I've worked through this thing or not.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: How do I know?
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: I think is a really, really big question we have, and I think it's often hard for us to answer when we have lost trust in ourselves, when we're not really dialed into our intuition, when we've sort of lost track of our faith or our own identity, maybe when trust has been broken with others.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: It's like gosh, that knowing piece is one of the hardest battles, right, and so I'm going to give you a really sort of simple metric that may frustrate you or blow your mind or cause you to feel overwhelmed, but it is a very, very good metric.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: It is the one that I rely on.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: Now I want you to think through what chronic or reoccurring symptoms you experience in life, either in your mind, your emotions or your body.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: So do you experience reoccurring depression, anxiety, insomnia, overthinking, inflammation, toation or conflict, in particular, relationships?
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: All of those things that are reoccurring Symptoms are not the problem, friend, and I'm going to talk a little bit more about how to differentiate, right, but reoccurring symptoms that you can sort of see through your timeline of life.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Reoccurring symptoms are a sign that there is something you haven't worked through.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: Now I can't tell you for sure.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: Well, if you unpacked your symptoms for me.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: I could probably break it down for you right, but reoccurring symptoms, things that are chronic, are a sign that there are layers that you have not healed or worked through and so reoccurring or looping emotions like resentment or insecurity or negative self-talk, like I'm not good enough or I'm not worth it, those reoccurring pieces are all signposts pointing you to, hey, you haven't gone deep enough yet.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: Now I want to really get clear about this.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: That does not mean that symptoms are a sign that you haven't worked through things.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: Symptoms in general, like getting sick, like getting a cold, catching a fever, having an emotional reaction when you get into a car accident or when you stub your toe or you know, just in general, like getting a headache, those symptoms are the body's way of saying like, hey, you know, something has come into my bubble that I'm having to work through, but I am working through it and it's going to resolve on its own right.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: A symptom is great Just the body working through something, the mind working through something, emotions, emotional symptoms it's just us working through things, feeling what there is to feel in life.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: But when they loop, when they reoccur, that's a sign that there's stuck energy that it's not resolving on its own.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: So symptoms are beautiful, and we're not used to relating to symptoms as beautiful we're used to relating symptoms.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: As I've got a headache, I need to take a pill, I feel sad, I need to distract myself, right, quick.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: And in this modern world, we do that more than ever.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: So our tolerance for feeling discomfort is getting less and less and less.
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: So, wherever you have chronic symptoms, symptoms and I want you to really take a note of that, right, anything that's been reoccurring for a period of time, I think in a post-covid world oh, can I say this on this podcast um, a lot of people have some new reoccurring things that are hormonal or breathing related or skin related, and hey, yes, that's all, it's friend, right that there's an underlying issue and you cannot hear me on this.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: You cannot separate physical symptoms from your mental, emotional and spiritual health.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: They are interconnected.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: I see this so often with my kiddo.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: When she has a stomachache at night, it's almost always because she has an unprocessed emotion that she is struggling to work through on her own.
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: And so, yes, she still gets nausea a lot of times at night, less and less and less.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: But that's my sign that, hey, there's still something somewhere in her little body, where there's energy hung up that she hasn't worked through.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: So we attend to it on a regular basis.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: So, although post-COVID we're all experiencing not all, but many people are experiencing heightened health symptoms, it is still related to the mental, emotional and spiritual sphere.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: They are connected.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: Our modern healthcare system has had us silo all of our body parts.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: Right, you go to this doctor for your head and you go to this doctor for your skin and you go to this doctor for your hormones.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: But that is not how the body works and you know.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: We are in an era of really reclaiming whole health and this podcast is certainly a pinnacle of that, right?
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: So how you know is you look at your chronic symptoms and I want you to start thinking through that and noticing, right, what is chronic and what is not.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: Now, the number one thing I know you're avoiding and the good news about it, right, and how to move through that.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: So, inevitably, the thing that you're avoiding love is feeling.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: It's feeling discomfort, either in the body, the mind, the emotions or the spirit, and you are just really sort of without even realizing it.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: Maybe you are realizing it.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: I do think that sometimes we know there are things avoiding.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: We're avoiding and we're consciously dissociating or consciously distracting ourselves.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: And that's wonderful as a tool to use periodically, right, I think it's really.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: Sometimes we just need to use conscious dissociation to be able to get to a space where we have more bandwidth to tackle something.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: But also, most of us are unconsciously avoiding things and we're making a lot of explanations.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to call them excuses, I'm going to call them explanations for why we're not dealing with it.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: You know, I'm tired, I'm busy, I'm broke, I'm whatever, and those things are all technically accurate, but they're not capital T.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: True, we tell ourselves a lot of stories about why we can't do certain things, and I promise you, it's because subconsciously there's something we really feel we're not resourced enough to feel, to process and to resolve.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: There's not enough resource.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: And so this is where I really want to put the conversation on its head.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: It's very, very true that your vital force, your internal resources, your internal sense of strength and capacity to tackle certain things, it's diminished, it's depleted.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: It's true, it's like your fire, your inner fire.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: It's burning a little too low.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: You're genuinely exhausted, right.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: So?
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: But how can we change the conversation to be?
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: I see that I don't have enough vital strength to tackle this thing emotionally.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: How can I enhance my vitality right now?
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: How can I become stronger?
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: How can I gather more resources so that I can, rather than saying I don't have it, I can't do it?
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: Actually, when we get curious about, okay, I need to freaking strengthen vital force so that I can tackle these things, so that I can resolve these reoccurring symptoms, so that I can confidently feel like I worked through something.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: So I know that the next time I start dating, I did not attract the same person and the same BS set of problems.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: That's it right there.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: So I want you to start being in the inquiry of a different question how can I strengthen my vital force?
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: And that, friend, is what we prioritize over here on this podcast and on our programs and our products.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: Right Is giving you products and programs and content.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: That is strengthening your vital force.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: When you listen to a premium quantum healing track, you are strengthening vital force.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: When you're doing EFT tapping and you are clearing blocked energy, you are strengthening vital force.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: When you are taking cell salts or magnesium supplements, you are strengthening vital force, especially cell salts.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: When you are taking a flower essence, you are strengthening vital force.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: When you are doing embodiment techniques.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: In our Thursday episode this week, we are going to teach an embodied technique.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: Super, super cool.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: You're strengthening vital force, right?
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: So everything we do around here is about really enhancing your energy level and your overall capacity to resolve the things that have been chronically showing up, so that you have actually freaking, worked through the thing.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: The good news about the fact that you are avoiding all of this emotion, either consciously or subconsciously, is, once you start using the tools that go deep enough, they go very deep, very quick, and you shift very rapidly.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: So, love, I think that you're avoiding all of those feelings because the previous tools that you've been using they don't go deep enough, and so they leave you in limbo, feeling a lot for long periods of time, and that's what you've been sort of programmed to do, right.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: And so it's like ugh.
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: Okay, on the one hand, I love going to therapy, but then, on the other hand, right, I sort of don't want to feel like shit, and so what I want you to know is about the really deep tools clear things much more quickly, and so you don't have to keep staying in limbo If you have not yet gone to the most recent premium episode like holy crap, the more people that have downloaded and listened to it and reported back to me the shifts they experienced in that one track alone.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: It is unbelievable.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: And so that's the thing, right.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: When you take a well-paired homeopathic remedy, when you use quantum healing, when you do the things that really work on a deep level, you shift and you feel better, and you feel better fast.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: You may still feel uncomfortable for a period of time, but it's like hours or days rather than years.
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: So that's the really good news, loves.
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: In today's episode, we tackled the top thing I hear people say throughout the course of my career, right which is I thought I worked through that and we took a look at the fact that you didn't fail.
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: You just didn't work through it deep enough, but you got boatloads of experience in the meantime.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: We worked through how to know if you still have things that you need to work through, and we talked about the really good news, which is there is a very different way to heal and it works way faster and way deeper and gives you confidence that you've worked through some things.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: So cheers to that.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: If you have not yet used our coupon code, email friends to download the post divorce roadmap.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: It's a 21 day immersive journaling program that has quantum elements in it, right Like these deep acting tools in it.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: You still have a couple of weeks left to do that, so make sure you grab it, because that is expiring very soon actually.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: So the code is email friends.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: You can find the link in the show notes.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: Love you so much.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: Peace, dear.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: Divorce Diary is a podcast by my coach, dawn.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: You can find more at mycoachdawncom.