Latest / The You Project / #1745 Stop Trying To Impress People - Harps

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#1745 Stop Trying To Impress People - Harps · The You Project

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  Speaker 1: I'll get a team just quickly. It's Christmas Day. Well,
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  Speaker 1: if you're listening to this on the day that it
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  Speaker 1: comes out, it's Christmas Day. I know that that is
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  Speaker 1: a day that kind of creates or anlics. It's a
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  Speaker 1: broad cross section of feelings and experiences and interactions and
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  Speaker 1: behaviors and emotions, and all I can say is that
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  Speaker 1: I hope you have whatever you do, whoever you do
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  Speaker 1: it with, wherever you're at, I hope it's somewhere between
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  Speaker 1: okay and amazing for you. Towards the amazing end of
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  Speaker 1: the scale would be great, but we know that that's
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  Speaker 1: not always the case for everyone. Nonetheless, I'm sending you
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  Speaker 1: love and energy, and I hope you have a good
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  Speaker 1: day and in the middle of it all you find
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  Speaker 1: something to celebrate. Today, I want to talk to you
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  Speaker 1: about the habit that many of us have of trying
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  Speaker 1: to press people. Now trying to impress people. We can
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  Speaker 1: kind of do that in a healthy way, and you know,
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  Speaker 1: we want the boss to be happy with us or
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  Speaker 1: that other person, or we want them to like us
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  Speaker 1: or approve of us. And to a level, I think
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  Speaker 1: that's okay as long as we're being authentic and us.
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  Speaker 1: But the trying to impress people I am talking about
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  Speaker 1: is when we are essentially going out of our way
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  Speaker 1: to create an impression that is not authentically us, where
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  Speaker 1: it's almost like we are role playing. It's like we
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  Speaker 1: are acting a part because we want people to see
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  Speaker 1: us in a certain way and to think that that
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  Speaker 1: we are perhaps something that we're not. And we do that,
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  Speaker 1: and I've done that, You've done that, We've all done it.
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  Speaker 1: But we do that because on some level we don't
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  Speaker 1: think we are enough. So we've got to be more.
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  Speaker 1: We've got to put a bit of mayo on top.
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  Speaker 1: We're insecure. We don't think that we will fit in
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  Speaker 1: or that we will get your approval or the other
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  Speaker 1: person's approval or what it is. So one of the
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  Speaker 1: things that I do is, on a reasonably regular basis,
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  Speaker 1: I sit with somebody that might come to see me
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  Speaker 1: for a meeting or for whatever. I don't do many
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  Speaker 1: consults these days, but somebody who not that I'm a
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  Speaker 1: big deal on any means, but somebody that they know
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  Speaker 1: who I am and they've followed me or read me
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  Speaker 1: or seen me, and now they're sitting down with me
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  Speaker 1: for the first time, and as is often the way,
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  Speaker 1: when somebody sits or sits with or meets somebody for
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  Speaker 1: the first time who they respect, to like or look
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  Speaker 1: up to. Often I'll have somebody sitting across from me
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  Speaker 1: who I can tell they are trying to impress me.
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  Speaker 1: I can tell that. And it's not because they're a
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  Speaker 1: bad person, and it's not a bad motive, is it.
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  Speaker 1: But the problem is when you are trying to impress somebody,
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  Speaker 1: you are trying to create an image or an impression
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  Speaker 1: or an experience that is not actually you, just being you.
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  Speaker 1: And the problem with creating an impression or role playing
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  Speaker 1: or you know, presenting a persona rather than being the
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  Speaker 1: person is that eventually that comes undone. And by the way,
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  Speaker 1: when you're trying to impress people, now I'm talking about
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  Speaker 1: in that over the top, incensey role playing way, not
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  Speaker 1: just trying to be a good person to do your
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  Speaker 1: job well, so you know the boss likes you, or
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  Speaker 1: the people that you're with you know, care about you
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  Speaker 1: or connect with you. I'm talking about in this over
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  Speaker 1: the top trying to create this this impression that that
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  Speaker 1: is inauthentic. But when you do that, we know what's
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  Speaker 1: going on. I know what's going on. I've had say
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  Speaker 1: to lots of people in a sensitive way. You know,
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  Speaker 1: I don't say exactly this, but i'll kind of say,
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  Speaker 1: you know, you can drop the whatever. It's all okay.
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  Speaker 1: I like you. You don't need to You're good enough.
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  Speaker 1: I'm glad you're here. I'm glad we're talking. You know,
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  Speaker 1: Let's get through the kind of show. Let's get down
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  Speaker 1: to you as quick as possible, and then we can
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  Speaker 1: deal with what we need to deal with. Because sometimes
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  Speaker 1: when people are nervous, or sometimes when people feel insecure,
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  Speaker 1: and I have been this, I've done the thing that
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  Speaker 1: I'm telling you not to do, or the thing that
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  Speaker 1: I'm perhaps opening the door on for you to think about.
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  Speaker 1: I've done it. Have I been insecure? Have I been nervous?
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  Speaker 1: Have I tried to impress people? Have I Have I
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  Speaker 1: tried to create a persona that was more acceptable and
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  Speaker 1: palatable and likable and impressive. Of course I have, of
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  Speaker 1: course I have. But it ain't the go and it
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  Speaker 1: screams of insecurity and self doubt. So what to do?
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  Speaker 1: So the thing to do for me, the thing to
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  Speaker 1: do is be you be authentically, you be honest, be genuine.
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  Speaker 1: The more real you are with people, the more authentic
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  Speaker 1: you are. When when people talk to me about their stuff,
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  Speaker 1: they're not trying to impress me. They're just trying to
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  Speaker 1: just deal with stuff, acknowledge the good and bad, their flaws,
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  Speaker 1: their strengths, their issues and challenges. For me, that's more
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  Speaker 1: impressive because it's authentic and it's real, and there's no show.
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  Speaker 1: There's no show. You know, what's interesting is for me,
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  Speaker 1: I learned this the hard way because I was so
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  Speaker 1: insecure when I was young, and I had so many
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  Speaker 1: issues and you know, I still have issues. Everyone has issues,
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  Speaker 1: but I had so many issues around, you know, self
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  Speaker 1: worth and body image and body dysmorphia and all my
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  Speaker 1: eating bullshits, and because I didn't feel good enough. I
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  Speaker 1: didn't feel good enough, because I was the morbidly obese
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  Speaker 1: kid who who wasn't a good academic, who wasn't a
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  Speaker 1: good athlete, who wasn't a social superstar, and because of that,
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  Speaker 1: and that was nobody's fault. Nobody did anything wrong, per se.
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  Speaker 1: It was just my experience. But the result of a
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  Speaker 1: combination of things was that I was insecure, that I
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  Speaker 1: felt not good enough, not worthy enough, not pretty enough,
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  Speaker 1: handsome enough, athletic enough, lean enough, all of these things.
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  Speaker 1: And one of the many byproducts of that was me
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  Speaker 1: trying to impress people. And guess what, when you try
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  Speaker 1: to impress people in the way that I'm talking about,
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  Speaker 1: it does the opposite. It does the opposite. And when
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  Speaker 1: you are trying to be something that you're not, to
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  Speaker 1: create this persona as I said before, people know what's
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  Speaker 1: going on. And ironically and almost counter intuitively, when you
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  Speaker 1: drop all of that and you talk to people in
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  Speaker 1: a real way when it's appropriate and when it's you know,
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  Speaker 1: right time, right place, right conversation, you don't just have
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  Speaker 1: to rock up and go, Hi, I'm Craig. I'm insecure.
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  Speaker 1: Lots of issues now, I'm not talking about that, but
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  Speaker 1: I'm talking about when it's appropriate, when that that is
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  Speaker 1: you know where you're at in that relationship or that conversation.
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  Speaker 1: Guess what people lean in not a way. People tend
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  Speaker 1: to have more respect, not less. People tend to engage
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  Speaker 1: rather than disengage. People tend to believe you more when
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  Speaker 1: you are more real and down to earth and not
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  Speaker 1: trying to be impressive, but rather being who you are,
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  Speaker 1: the good, the bad, the messy. The amazing they not
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  Speaker 1: so amazing, you know. I believe one of the reasons
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  Speaker 1: that the U Project has done really well A part
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  Speaker 1: of that, not all of that, part of that, A
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  Speaker 1: big part of that has been the amazing guests and
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  Speaker 1: production and Melissa and Tiff who work on the show
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  Speaker 1: and all of that. But a big part of it
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  Speaker 1: has been because of the authenticity of the conversations where
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  Speaker 1: it's just, you know, I'm happy to put up my
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  Speaker 1: hand and say, Okay, I'm not bad at this. I'm
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  Speaker 1: pretty good at that. I'm terrible at that. I need
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  Speaker 1: to improve it that here's what I overthink, here's what
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  Speaker 1: I'm insecure about, you know, and I'm working on all
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  Speaker 1: of it. And it's that that being you. You know,
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  Speaker 1: what's that saying? Be you and see who hangs around.
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  Speaker 1: I think it really matters. So let's go to a break,
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  Speaker 1: let's hear from a sponsor. I'll be back in a
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  Speaker 1: minute to wind it up. Alrighty, and we're back. So
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  Speaker 1: the question for today is, let's do a couple. Number
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  Speaker 1: one would be who's approval? Do I need to stop seeking?
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  Speaker 1: Is there a person in your life that you're always
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  Speaker 1: trying to get their approval and ironically you never get it. Well,
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  Speaker 1: maybe when you stop trying, maybe when you don't do
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  Speaker 1: that anymore, maybe that will turn around a little bit.
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  Speaker 1: And the second question is what are the things that
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  Speaker 1: I need to focus on, that I need to give
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  Speaker 1: my attention to, the questions that I need to ask,
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  Speaker 1: and the things that I need to acknowledge so that
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  Speaker 1: I can just be authentically me. There's two questions to
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  Speaker 1: get you going for today, Lovey guts, enjoy day evening.
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  Speaker 1: Whenever you listen to this, see you next time.