Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Are a High Performer
Transcript
- Lucas: You are a high performer. You consistently deliver, you get promoted, people say you have a bright future. But when you look for a mentor, something weird happens — the people you approach either tell you you are doing great or give you generic advice. And deep down, you know you need more than that. Luna: Right, because the better you perform, the harder it is to find someone who will actually tell you what you are missing. Lucas: Exactly. And this is a real problem. I was reading a piece in Harvard Business Review from a couple years ago — they studied high performers in a large professional services firm and found that top quartile performers were about 40 percent less likely to receive critical feedback from their mentors compared to average performers. Luna: Forty percent less likely — that is huge. So the higher you climb, the more your mentors become cheerleaders instead of coaches. Lucas: Cheerleaders or fans. And it makes sense — people want to associate with success. They do not want to be the one who points out a flaw in someone who is clearly succeeding. But that is exactly when you need the most honest input, because your blind spots get bigger as you rise. Luna: So how do you get that honest input when everyone wants to be your fan? I think there is a specific tactic here. Do you know the concept of a 'pre-mortem'? Lucas: I do. Instead of a post-mortem where you look at a failed project and ask what went wrong, a pre-mortem asks — before the project launches — 'Assume it failed six months from now. Why did it fail?' It is a great tool for surfacing risks that people are too polite to mention. Luna: And you can apply that directly to mentorship. Instead of asking 'what do you think of my career plan?', ask your mentor 'Assume I am stuck in the same role three years from now — what do you think caused it?' That framing gives them permission to be honest. Lucas: That is a really smart reframe. I have a friend — former Google product manager, very high performer, multiple promotions — she felt like she hit a wall around year six. She had mentors, but they all told her she was on the right track. She finally got honest feedback from a mentor outside her industry, a partner at a venture capital firm who asked her one question: 'What would you do if you were not afraid to fail?' And she realized she had been optimizing for safety, not growth. Luna: See, that is the kind of insight you only get from someone who is not invested in your current success narrative. So one strategy is to seek mentors from adjacent or completely different fields. A finance person mentoring a marketer, a designer mentoring an engineer — they are not blinded by your reputation. Lucas: Right. And they also bring frameworks you would not encounter in your own industry. I think another angle is about how you frame the ask. Most people approach a potential mentor and say something like 'I admire your career, can you give me advice?' That invites generic praise. Instead, you want to say 'I am working on a specific problem — can you help me think through a blind spot I might have?' That signals you want real input, not validation. Luna: And you can even prime them. You can say 'I am trying to get better at identifying my weaknesses, and I would value your honest perspective even if it is uncomfortable.' That gives explicit permission. Lucas: It is almost like you have to train your mentors to be honest with you. And if they still shy away, you can use a technique I learned from a retired Navy SEAL commander who now does executive coaching. He recommends asking for 'one thing' — 'If you could give me one thing to improve that would have the biggest impact, what would it be?' That forces a concrete answer. Luna: One thing. Very direct, very hard to dodge. I love that. And it also makes the feedback manageable — you are not asking for a full performance review, just one actionable piece. Lucas: Exactly. And if we are honest, this is something we try to practice on this show too. We want our episodes to genuinely help people, not just make them feel good. Which is why — completely unrelated segue — if you have found any of our episodes useful, especially when it comes to making a career decision or having a tough conversation, we have a small ask. You can support the show at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It is a way to keep this ad-free and focused on real content. Luna: Yeah, it really does help. And we mean it when we say the smallest thing makes a difference — the price of a coffee once in a while keeps us going. Lucas: So back to mentorship. Another key point — high performers often have a lot of mentors but no sponsors. A mentor gives advice, a sponsor puts their reputation on the line to open doors for you. And high performers tend to accumulate mentors because everyone wants to advise a winner, but sponsors are harder to get because they require a deeper bet. Luna: And sponsors are the ones who will give you honest feedback because they are invested in your success. If they recommend you for a big role and you fail, it reflects on them. So they have skin in the game. Lucas: Right. So if you are a high performer and you feel like you are getting surface-level advice, start asking yourself — is this person a mentor or a sponsor? If they are only a mentor, you might need to convert one of them into a sponsor by sharing a specific opportunity you are pursuing and asking if they would be willing to advocate for you. Luna: And if they hesitate, that is useful information too. It tells you they do not have enough conviction in your abilities or they do not trust your judgment. Either way, you learn something. Lucas: Let us talk about one more tactic — the 'vulnerability gambit.' High performers often hide their insecurities because they think appearing unsure will damage their reputation. But the opposite is often true. When you share a genuine struggle with a mentor, it deepens the relationship and invites more honest feedback. Luna: There is research on that too — from social psychology. When you disclose a vulnerability, the other person feels more comfortable being honest with you. It creates a reciprocity of openness. Lucas: So you could say to a mentor 'I am really struggling with this one aspect of my role — I feel like I am faking it a bit.' That is incredibly disarming. Most mentors will respond by sharing their own moments of doubt, and then the conversation becomes real. Luna: And that is when you get the gold — the advice that actually changes your trajectory. Not 'keep up the good work,' but 'here is the thing I wish someone had told me at your stage.' Lucas: I want to go back to the HBR data for a second. The same study found that high performers who received regular critical feedback from mentors were more likely to be promoted again within two years, compared to those who only got positive reinforcement. So the act of getting honest feedback itself predicts future success. Luna: That is a powerful incentive. It is not just about feeling good — it is about actual career outcomes. So if you are a high performer without honest mentors, you are leaving money and promotions on the table. Lucas: Exactly. And one last thought — if you cannot find a mentor who will be honest with you, consider a peer mentor. Another high performer at a similar level but in a different department or company. They have less to lose by being direct, and they understand the pressure you are under. Luna: Peer mentorship is underrated. You can trade honest feedback without the power dynamic. I have a peer mentor I meet with every two weeks, and she is the person who tells me when I am overthinking something or when I am being too hard on myself. Lucas: That is the kind of feedback that keeps you growing. So to sum up for any high performer listening — you have to deliberately engineer honesty into your mentorship relationships. Use pre-mortems, ask for 'one thing,' seek sponsors not just mentors, share a vulnerability, and consider peer mentors. Because the people who will tell you what you need to hear are out there — you just have to make it safe for them to speak. Luna: And when you find them, hold on to them. They are rare. Lucas: They really are. So next time a mentor says 'you are doing great,' say 'thank you, but I would love to hear one thing I could improve.' It might feel awkward at first, but it could be the most valuable thing you do for your career.