Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Glad you asked - Q&A - From Toddlers to Young Adults | Ep. 118

Transcript

Glad you asked - Q&A - From Toddlers to Young Adults | Ep. 118 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Welcome, dear parents.
• 0:07
  It's Cheryl Lang here, and I'm so glad to have you join me for another episode of the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:15
  Today holds a special treat as we shine the spotlight on our remarkable listeners.
• 0:23
  Get ready for an engaging Q& A session where we delve into your pressing questions, offering practical guidance, and encouragement.
• 0:35
  In response to inquiries from two distinct listeners, our recording team discusses challenges spanning the spectrum of parenthood, from the spirited pushback of a young child to the unexpected hurdles of young adulthood.
• 0:51
  Despite the apparent differences, these experiences surprisingly intersect, revealing common threads that bind us together in this parenting journey.
• 1:02
  Join me as we explore these shared experiences, Lean some wisdom and forge deeper connections through TPP in this wondrous world of parenting.
• 1:22
  Ellen: Gosh, the weather has been so beautiful.
• 1:25
  Ellen: I love it.
• 1:25
  Ellen: I mean, I don't know if it means we're going to have a really hot summer, but it has really been beautiful here in Oklahoma.
• 1:30
  Ellen: And the tulips have been.
• 1:31
  Ellen: Yes.
• 1:32
  Cheryl: Really beautiful.
• 1:33
  Cheryl: It's like everything bloomed all at once.
• 1:35
  Ellen: Yes.
• 1:35
  Ellen: Right.
• 1:36
  Ellen: I love this time
• 1:36
  Christie: of year.
• 1:37
  Ellen: I know my grandkids were over, over the weekend, and they go, Oma, what's this beautiful weather Big white flowers that are out in your backyard.
• 1:44
  Ellen: I'm thinking I guess I plan a lot of stuff.
• 1:45
  Ellen: I don't know what they're talking about because they were, um, plumerias.
• 1:51
  Ellen: I don't know what those are.
• 1:52
  Ellen: They're big, giant.
• 1:54
  Ellen: It's a vine.
• 1:56
  Ellen: These were white and they were all in bloom and they were early bloomers.
• 2:00
  Ellen: Oh, wow.
• 2:00
  Ellen: And so they just they just I mean, they've been there for about 10 years, but they only bloom for, you know, a couple weeks and then they're done and they go back to just a green vine.
• 2:10
  Ellen: But the kids were so cute because they were all intrigued by him.
• 2:13
  Ellen: And I'm stumbling, I said, what are they talking about?
• 2:15
  Ellen: And because it's at the corner of the backyard, I forget it's there unless I actually go out in my yard, which I don't do very often anymore.
• 2:23
  Ellen: Well,
• 2:24
  Christie: I went with my mom and aunt last year.
• 2:25
  Christie: Last weekend to a scavenger hunt type, it's like an escape room, but with an app out and at the married gardens.
• 2:31
  Christie: Oh, I saw that advertised.
• 2:33
  Christie: We could hardly even focus on the puzzles that we were supposed to be doing for all the tulips.
• 2:38
  Christie: I mean, they have just planted masses of tulips all throughout the gardens and they're just beautiful.
• 2:43
  Christie: I kept taking pictures of all the flowers and
• 2:46
  Ellen: I still have a couple of purple ones that are tinged with white that are still blooming.
• 2:50
  Ellen: They're really pretty.
• 2:52
  Christie: Yeah, I think they're so pretty when they're almost about to die, I get like when they bloomed all the way they just love it
• 2:59
  Ellen: And then they're gone.
• 3:00
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 3:01
  Ellen: Yeah, that's it.
• 3:02
  Ellen: And don't forget that they're there if you start doing other things They go back right into the bulb state and go dormant and then you're like digging.
• 3:10
  Ellen: Oh, shoot They lasted
• 3:16
  Christie: I'd love to have tulips everywhere.
• 3:18
  Christie: Some of them will last.
• 3:18
  Christie: I mean, I have tulips that are probably 10 years old.
• 3:21
  Christie: Well, I mean, if they bloomed all season.
• 3:22
  Christie: Oh, I see what
• 3:23
  Cheryl: you're saying.
• 3:23
  Cheryl: Oh, yeah, yeah.
• 3:24
  Cheryl: That would really be nice.
• 3:25
  Cheryl: Yeah, sure would.
• 3:26
  Cheryl: Um, I knew somebody, and they planted, I think it was, Daffodils, and they planted them throughout their entire yard.
• 3:36
  Cheryl: So then the spring, their whole yard was daffodils, and then they just mowed it down.
• 3:42
  Cheryl: And then they would come up every spring.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: Yeah, how fun.
• 3:45
  Ellen: Oh, so pretty.
• 3:46
  Ellen: I have a ton of daffodils, but they're in bed.
• 3:48
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 3:48
  Ellen: But one escaped this year, and it was in the middle of the lawn.
• 3:53
  Ellen: And it was the cutest thing.
• 3:54
  Ellen: It was a little
• 3:55
  Cheryl: daffodil.
• 3:55
  Cheryl: The lone daffodil.
• 3:57
  Cheryl: Oh, One more flower story and then we'll get to our, I think, is when I moved to my house, I planted Johnny Jump Ups, which look like little pansies.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: Oh, okay.
• 4:07
  Cheryl: But they're Johnny Jump Ups because they jump up everywhere.
• 4:09
  Cheryl: Yes, they're spreaders.
• 4:11
  Cheryl: And so, it's been over 20 years.
• 4:13
  Cheryl: Am I still, am I?
• 4:14
  Cheryl: In my neighbor's yard, I will see Johnny jump up, jumping up in their garden sometimes.
• 4:19
  Cheryl: So they do jump up.
• 4:22
  Cheryl: And
• 4:23
  Ellen: if you don't want them to invade, put them in a pot.
• 4:25
  Cheryl: Okay, so I have our electronic mailbag here.
• 4:28
  Cheryl: And so we're going to do one of our favorites.
• 4:30
  Cheryl: Let's do some Q& A.
• 4:31
  Cheryl: I love these.
• 4:32
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:32
  Cheryl: So a dad wrote us.
• 4:35
  Cheryl: And he was kind of distraught this is what the dad writes.
• 4:41
  Cheryl: I've always been close to my older son.
• 4:44
  Cheryl: He just recently graduated.
• 4:48
  Cheryl: We had good times together.
• 4:49
  Cheryl: We enjoyed each other.
• 4:51
  Cheryl: We had good conversations.
• 4:53
  Cheryl: But he just graduated.
• 4:55
  Cheryl: Oh, no.
• 4:56
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 4:57
  Cheryl: That'll do it.
• 4:58
  Cheryl: And suddenly everything has changed.
• 5:01
  Cheryl: There's a distance between us.
• 5:04
  Cheryl: It's like we're in two different worlds now.
• 5:06
  Cheryl: I recently took the family on a vacation and his girlfriend came with us.
• 5:11
  Cheryl: It's And that's all he did was hang with her.
• 5:16
  Cheryl: Well So, what am I doing wrong?
• 5:21
  Ellen: Well, my parents always, you know, don't allow Ellen to bring a boyfriend on the trip.
• 5:25
  Ellen: You'll never talk to her because
• 5:27
  Cheryl: Well, I think we can presume this is his first graduate.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: So, his first young adult.
• 5:33
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:33
  Cheryl: And so So we're laughing, but we feel his pain, right from
• 5:38
  Christie: experience that we laugh and compassion.
• 5:42
  Ellen: Well, and I think we also have to be careful.
• 5:45
  Ellen: There's a possessiveness that we have with our children.
• 5:49
  Ellen: And now they're entering into adulthood, which from now on, we will be sharing them.
• 5:55
  Ellen: With everybody,
• 5:57
  Christie: everybody,
• 5:57
  Ellen: you know, everyone, whether it's a job, a spouse, friendships, their interests, mentors,
• 6:04
  Cheryl: yeah.
• 6:05
  Cheryl: So I think he's feeling that severing of the relationship.
• 6:10
  Ellen: I think if you relax and realize that's normal.
• 6:14
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:14
  Ellen: And it's part of life, even though you're grieving it.
• 6:17
  Ellen: Right.
• 6:18
  Ellen: He'll come back around.
• 6:21
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:21
  Ellen: He needs time to establish who he is, how he fits into the world.
• 6:26
  Ellen: But you're always there.
• 6:27
  Ellen: Right.
• 6:27
  Ellen: And I think kids, I think, that are around 25.
• 6:30
  Ellen: Your kids kind of come back to you in terms of wanting relationship and friendship and things like that.
• 6:36
  Christie: Right.
• 6:37
  Christie: Maybe a little bit dependent on the way you handle the relationship.
• 6:41
  Christie: Right.
• 6:42
  Christie: I would
• 6:42
  Cheryl: agree because that clinging thing just makes them pull away harder.
• 6:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:47
  Cheryl: I mean, even we've talked recently about teens.
• 6:50
  Carol: This particular season is very different.
• 6:53
  Carol: Right.
• 6:53
  Carol: And, and, and, and.
• 6:54
  Carol: I don't know about y'all.
• 6:55
  Carol: Every time we bring it up, nobody really talks about this releasing time of young adults and how to maintain that relationship.
• 7:05
  Cheryl: Because what I'm hearing from the father, okay, I don't have control anymore.
• 7:10
  Cheryl: They're not my child.
• 7:12
  Cheryl: I'm not parenting them.
• 7:15
  Cheryl: But this doesn't look like what I thought it would look like.
• 7:16
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:18
  Christie: Well, and I think especially just after following graduation or the 18th birthday or however your family marks the release.
• 7:26
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:26
  Christie: Um, It, it's clumsy on all parts, it's, everyone's getting their sea legs about them, it's just very challenging to know where the, the boundary lines are because you're probably still giving some amount of financial support, you're probably still giving some amount of maybe, you know, they're living at home even or, you know, some kind of, um, safety net that you're offering them.
• 7:51
  Christie: So it feels like you should still have.
• 7:54
  Christie: All the say and all the benefits of relationship, but your job is to lead in the releasing and and take the first step And it's hard to make yourself do something that hurts.
• 8:04
  Christie: I think
• 8:05
  Cheryl: you're speaking directly to this father because he expanded on this to me personally and felt so magnanimous that he's paying for this very nice vacation.
• 8:17
  Cheryl: I don't know if they did a cruise or but, but it was a location they went to and it was beautiful and he was so excited unmet
• 8:25
  Christie: expectation.
• 8:27
  Christie: But
• 8:27
  Ellen: also whether it's for college or you're living at home, whatever it is, then you still have a certain responsibility to how you interact in this family If you just move out and you live on your own and you're completely self supporting, that's a different world.
• 8:43
  Ellen: Now you don't hold it over their head as a threat, but there is a respect and an obligation
• 8:48
  Christie: so
• 8:49
  Ellen: there's certain aspects that I can have a say over, um, you know, maybe I don't want you coming in at two in the morning, even though you're 19.
• 8:59
  Christie: I agree with it.
• 9:00
  Christie: There's There's.
• 9:01
  Christie: A mutual respect that happens there.
• 9:04
  Christie: But I think this dad is talking more relational.
• 9:07
  Christie: And so maybe those, those things would be in the areas of, um, like, uh, more concrete types of things but we don't own their affections.
• 9:19
  Christie: No, no.
• 9:19
  Christie: We can't own their desires.
• 9:21
  Christie: No.
• 9:21
  Christie: And
• 9:22
  Cheryl: that's what he's talking about here because we want to be careful that we don't use money to control.
• 9:28
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:29
  Cheryl: Or manipulate.
• 9:30
  Cheryl: Or, I mean.
• 9:31
  Cheryl: You've talked about it here.
• 9:33
  Cheryl: Your mother was the super controller, right?
• 9:36
  Cheryl: And she used money to do it and she tried to sink her hooks in and just what you're talking about She's saying I'm paying for it.
• 9:44
  Cheryl: I have the right to do it And so we want to be careful not to do that.
• 9:49
  Cheryl: Not to do that And that's not what he's talking about here.
• 9:51
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:52
  Cheryl: I agree with
• 9:52
  Carol: you Christie I think he's just saying, Where'd the relationship go?
• 9:58
  Carol: I didn't change.
• 9:59
  Carol: Why can't we keep doing what we used to do?
• 10:02
  Cheryl: He's twitterpated.
• 10:03
  Cheryl: He was enjoying his cute girlfriend.
• 10:05
  Cheryl: Right.
• 10:06
  Cheryl: I wouldn't have thought of my parents.
• 10:08
  Cheryl: I would
• 10:08
  Christie: have abided
• 10:09
  Cheryl: by their rules.
• 10:11
  Cheryl: And in this case, this was a Um, the girl had her own room and that sort of thing.
• 10:15
  Cheryl: So the father set up all the parameters and the son, but he sabotaged
• 10:20
  Ellen: it by accident by inviting the girlfriend,
• 10:24
  Christie: but the son wasn't being disrespectful or ungrateful in any way.
• 10:28
  Christie: He was being normal.
• 10:28
  Christie: He was being very normal.
• 10:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:30
  Christie: This girl's a lot more interesting than my dad.
• 10:33
  Christie: Right.
• 10:33
  Cheryl: And he's going, thanks dad.
• 10:34
  Cheryl: I appreciate it.
• 10:35
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 10:36
  Cheryl: Great vacation.
• 10:37
  Christie: Well, I think it makes a good point too, that.
• 10:40
  Christie: Check your own heart and your own motives when you do extend these blessings to your kids, financial or otherwise.
• 10:47
  Christie: You know, like I think about if I if I take my girls to lunch, of course I'm wanting great conversation and to hear all about their lives, but I have to hold that loosely.
• 10:55
  Christie: I have to say yes, my my goal here is to get some time with my kids and If it happens to the extent or the quality that I want great if it doesn't maybe next time You know and just be glad that I got to spend some time with them because this
• 11:09
  Cheryl: is again different from the adolescents Okay, we have to treat them as adults Of course, there's some parameters to that, but it's that respect thing that's so important.
• 11:22
  Cheryl: You know, uh, this is just a hard time because they're navigating now with full government.
• 11:30
  Cheryl: Everything they are in their majority, they can vote,
• 11:34
  Christie: I'm thinking of it kind of in terms of home ownership.
• 11:38
  Christie: You know, the mortgage is held by the bank.
• 11:40
  Christie: You're not full owner of this house,
• 11:43
  Cheryl: but they
• 11:43
  Christie: don't get to dictate what you do in the house.
• 11:45
  Christie: You know, they don't get to, they don't get to come in and tell you how to rearrange the furniture and tell you what you can write on the walls or what can be held there.
• 11:53
  Christie: Um, Okay.
• 11:54
  Christie: But there is a financial agreement that you're obligated.
• 11:57
  Ellen: And that's what I'm meaning in it.
• 11:59
  Ellen: I'm not meaning it's this thing you hold over their head.
• 12:02
  Ellen: It's just something that you help them to see, you know, define what is adulthood.
• 12:06
  Ellen: And that's something that I see a lot of parents, especially in wealthier areas, say, and their kids are in their thirties and they're still Giving them tons of money to do stuff with.
• 12:16
  Ellen: That's true.
• 12:16
  Ellen: And
• 12:17
  Christie: then they're getting walked all over and taken advantage of it kind of goes back to it's like a grown grown up version of dr Stevens birthday box that we talked about where you're releasing them.
• 12:26
  Cheryl: Okay, so that's a lack of balance and and what else would y'all say?
• 12:30
  Cheryl: What other?
• 12:31
  Cheryl: Positive things or encouragement.
• 12:33
  Cheryl: Would you give this dad?
• 12:35
  Christie: I think give it time, give it, give him time to work through the independence.
• 12:41
  Christie: It's a new toy.
• 12:42
  Christie: He's real excited about it.
• 12:44
  Christie: He's maxing it out as much as he can.
• 12:47
  Christie: And your relationship sounds like it was really good and solid.
• 12:50
  Christie: And that's going to be something that he wants to come back to once his new toy has lost the shine.
• 12:57
  Cheryl: Yeah, I
• 12:57
  Ellen: think
• 12:57
  Christie: that's it.
• 12:58
  Christie: Excellent.
• 12:58
  Christie: Perfect.
• 12:59
  Cheryl: Okay, so let's look at another one.
• 13:02
  Cheryl: Uh, let's go to the The other end of the time of raising our children and a different situation.
• 13:12
  Cheryl: So, this is a parent with a couple of kids and I think the way it's written probably is the mom submitting this.
• 13:19
  Cheryl: My toddler is very strong willed, and has been butting heads with me on everything it seems.
• 13:25
  Cheryl: No matter if it's me asking him to share while playing with his little sister, or eating meals so he can go to bed with a full tummy, he doesn't like to go pre K, he cries every time I drop him off, he throws his body down, he begs me to take him back home.
• 13:41
  Cheryl: Please! Any tips on helping him to cope?
• 13:47
  Christie: I'm
• 13:47
  Cheryl: tired
• 13:48
  Christie: just re living the thought of that.
• 13:51
  Christie: I had a couple of strong willed children, and it is really hard when you feel like every single day you're swimming upstream.
• 13:59
  Ellen: yeah.
• 14:00
  Ellen: POSITIVE Yeah.
• 14:00
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 14:00
  Ellen: that's really hard you know, I can remember apologizing years down the road to um, one of my daughters because she was a really easy temperament.
• 14:09
  Ellen: And I said, I know sometimes I asked you to do stuff that wasn't fair, but I knew you were the only kid that wouldn't give me a hassle when I asked.
• 14:17
  Ellen: And now she's a mom.
• 14:18
  Ellen: And she goes, Oh, mom, I totally get that.
• 14:20
  Ellen: And I'm sorry, sometimes it wasn't fair, but I was just tired.
• 14:24
  Ellen: And I went, Okay, I can ask her to sweep this thing and she'll do it without saying anything.
• 14:28
  Cheryl: Well, the tired thing you're talking about, because this kind of a person takes more energy.
• 14:35
  Cheryl: I'm to tell you, he'll take more energy from everybody all of his life.
• 14:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:39
  Cheryl: Because he's not just one that's going to sit in the corner and let life passing by.
• 14:43
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: And so it takes, um, sharpening your parenting tools to do this.
• 14:50
  Cheryl: And I can remember just what you said, Ellen, Kind of sometimes wanting to avoid it.
• 14:55
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 14:56
  Cheryl: So,
• 14:57
  Carol: instead of looking
• 14:58
  Cheryl: at ways to get around it, like, what can I do to help him cope, rather than how can I help him in his life?
• 15:09
  Cheryl: right you know, My tenancy would be a little lazy, wanting to manipulate the circumstances so I didn't have to deal head on, butting heads like this all the time.
• 15:18
  Christie: Well, the temptation is to just give them what they want after you've been beaten down.
• 15:22
  Christie: I remember one, my oldest, waking her up and she would probably still be proud to the story, about the story, so I can tell it.
• 15:29
  Christie: But waking her up one morning and she woke up arguing about what to wear.
• 15:34
  Christie: She put the first words out of her mouth, I'm not wearing the yellow dress.
• 15:39
  Christie: Good morning to you too, Sunshine.
• 15:42
  Christie: And that was just the kind of day we had a lot of times.
• 15:46
  Christie: And she's still pretty strong willed, like you said.
• 15:49
  Christie: I mean, it's not a trait that I really wanted to go away, but it took maturity to learn how to direct it.
• 15:56
  Christie: Wait,
• 15:56
  Carol: whose
• 15:57
  Cheryl: maturity?
• 15:58
  Christie: Okay, a little maturity on, on both of us.
• 16:00
  Christie: Well, in
• 16:01
  Ellen: picking your battles.
• 16:02
  Ellen: Yes, because that's what happens, especially with a stronger willed child, right?
• 16:07
  Ellen: You have to decide ahead of time.
• 16:09
  Ellen: Is this a battle or do I just let it go and just move forward?
• 16:14
  Cheryl: But you're the one controlling that, correct?
• 16:16
  Cheryl: Not them.
• 16:16
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:17
  Cheryl: You're choosing the battle.
• 16:18
  Cheryl: This is a battle.
• 16:19
  Cheryl: And I'm willing.
• 16:20
  Cheryl: This is this is the way we're going to do this.
• 16:24
  Cheryl: Oh, it's tough.
• 16:25
  Cheryl: I feel the tiredness for that mom, because like you say, Eyes open and going, I'm not wearing the yellow dress.
• 16:32
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 16:33
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 16:34
  Cheryl: I just spent all day yesterday preparing, because we're going to go do pictures.
• 16:37
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:37
  Cheryl: And I wanted her to wear the yellow dress.
• 16:39
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 16:40
  Cheryl: It is, this is hard.
• 16:42
  Christie: Right.
• 16:42
  Christie: But like you said, it took my maturing to realize, do I care if she wears the yellow dress today or not?
• 16:48
  Christie: No, I do not care.
• 16:49
  Christie: So, guess who showed up to Lots of functions with interesting clothes, because I chose those battles to surrender, so that I could have the bigger battles.
• 16:57
  Cheryl: And I had to work on my attitude, talk about us being mature.
• 17:02
  Cheryl: It's easier in the short run with a more compliant child.
• 17:06
  Cheryl: Of
• 17:06
  Ellen: course.
• 17:07
  Cheryl: Okay, here, wear this blue dress.
• 17:09
  Cheryl: Oh, you don't want to put it on?
• 17:10
  Cheryl: I'll even put it on you.
• 17:11
  Cheryl: I mean, all of that's just easier.
• 17:14
  Cheryl: It doesn't help them to be released better.
• 17:16
  Cheryl: No, it doesn't help them at all.
• 17:17
  Cheryl: It doesn't help'em over the long term.
• 17:19
  Cheryl: But in the short run, it sure is easy.
• 17:21
  Cheryl: It helps us as parents.
• 17:23
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 17:23
  Cheryl: And I had to be mature and loving and not roll my eyes whether I actually did it or not, or sigh.
• 17:31
  Cheryl: Oh no, here we go again.
• 17:33
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 17:33
  Cheryl: I had to be careful about that in myself because that doesn't love my child.
• 17:37
  Cheryl: Well.
• 17:37
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 17:38
  Cheryl: you know, it just sets up the family dynamics.
• 17:40
  Cheryl: are bad on that.
• 17:42
  Cheryl: The other kids pick up on it and they become very judgmental and then it becomes this child may be against everybody else and they're ruining our getting out the door because they won't wear the yellow dress and everybody else has on their yellow dresses, right?
• 17:59
  Cheryl: They always get their own
• 18:00
  Ellen: way.
• 18:00
  Cheryl: Yeah, you know, see.
• 18:02
  Cheryl: It's a whole lot of family dynamics that I had to be ready for and be mature enough to, uh, to navigate myself.
• 18:12
  Christie: I think another thing we might want to think about on this is, is it really that they're strong willed or is it more that they may have Some sensory issues is it that they're over scheduled and over extended in their your daily schedule your weekly schedule They start thinking of other things that might be going on.
• 18:32
  Christie: That's causing this child to act out and these Um, the issue might not be the actual issue.
• 18:37
  Christie: It might not be so much that he doesn't want to go to pre K or that he, you know, wants the blue cup or, or whatever he's throwing the tantrums about.
• 18:46
  Christie: It may be more that you're in too many activities or he needs a longer nap time or an earlier bedtime.
• 18:53
  Cheryl: Or less stimulation.
• 18:55
  Cheryl: Or less stimulation.
• 18:56
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:56
  Cheryl: It could be there's just, like you say, lots of factors.
• 19:00
  Cheryl: Or mom,
• 19:01
  Ellen: are you weak willed?
• 19:03
  Cheryl: Are you the one?
• 19:04
  Cheryl: Talk about that, son.
• 19:05
  Ellen: Well, I've watched parents, as a strong willed person, I would not consider their child a strong willed child.
• 19:09
  Ellen: By the way, listeners, if you don't know,
• 19:11
  Cheryl: she qualifies to be a strong willed person.
• 19:15
  Ellen: And I would think, oh, my child's so strong willed, and I'd be like, No, they're not.
• 19:19
  Ellen: It's just you don't require enough from them and you won't follow through.
• 19:24
  Ellen: So they've won every single battle.
• 19:26
  Ellen: I'm watching the dynamics of you giving in.
• 19:29
  Ellen: And so they've just learned if I push long enough, my, it's not a matter of their strong will.
• 19:35
  Ellen: They're just not doing what they're told to do.
• 19:37
  Ellen: And mom or dad are not following up.
• 19:40
  Christie: Yeah, and, and
• 19:40
  Ellen: the
• 19:41
  Christie: child is upset because the parent isn't obedient to their request.
• 19:44
  Christie: Come on, I'd like them to listen.
• 19:47
  Ellen: I hate when people don't do what I want them to do.
• 19:50
  Cheryl: Right, right, so true.
• 19:52
  Cheryl: Uh, there was, uh, someone, Cynthia Tobias, she wrote a book on strong willed, You can't make me and I love the premise of the book because that's the deal.
• 20:04
  Cheryl: A determined person, I mean, can you imagine your mother saying, you're going to sit there Ellen until you eat that broccoli?
• 20:11
  Cheryl: No.
• 20:12
  Cheryl: Because all you have to do is outlive her.
• 20:15
  Cheryl: I Yes.
• 20:16
  Cheryl: You know.
• 20:16
  Ellen: Or give it to the dog when no one's hurting you.
• 20:18
  Cheryl: You know, so, uh, you can't make me, and that's one of the things is, Uh, forcing our opinion or our will on a child rather than working with them.
• 20:32
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 20:33
  Cheryl: And the big premise of this whole book was give them options.
• 20:36
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:37
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 20:37
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:38
  Ellen: I think that's really, really important, especially with a strong willed child.
• 20:41
  Ellen: Child or adult, you know, they want choices.
• 20:45
  Ellen: Choices are really important, even if it's just a little choice.
• 20:48
  Ellen: You can wear the blue shorts or the red shorts.
• 20:50
  Ellen: Which ones do you, would you wear, you know?
• 20:53
  Ellen: And
• 20:53
  Christie: the choices are both choices you're okay with.
• 20:56
  Christie: Right.
• 20:56
  Christie: They're wearing shorts regardless.
• 20:58
  Christie: I mean, we're not going out naked, and so, yeah, if you are okay with both choices, then you win.
• 21:04
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:04
  Christie: And they feel some control.
• 21:06
  Ellen: And you have to make sure as a parent you're not being over controlling, because if you have a compliant child, it's really easy to tell them everything to do and they just comply, and then your strong willed kid goes, I don't, I don't do that, you know?
• 21:19
  Ellen: And then you're, now there's a battle, and you're not sure what to do with it because everybody else has complied with you.
• 21:25
  Cheryl: And it may even be, again, we're not trying to avoid confrontation or manipulate, but like you said, let's say you have some compliants and this child that actually has opinions that maybe they want to be in on shopping for the dresses because they hate yellow dresses.
• 21:44
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:44
  Cheryl: And that this parent might have to have a bigger parameter of choices the other children don't care what you buy, but this one might want to have a voice even in what color dresses we buy to wear.
• 21:59
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:59
  Cheryl: And when you do do
• 22:00
  Ellen: that, then the next time when you can't give them a choice, they're going to be a lot more understanding because you can say, Hey, look, I almost always give you a choice in what you want to do and what you want to wear.
• 22:12
  Ellen: But this one time, I just really need you to wear this dress.
• 22:15
  Ellen: Because this is going to go with 100 with our pictures or we have
• 22:19
  Christie: had that at our house multiple times.
• 22:21
  Cheryl: And it's appropriate.
• 22:22
  Cheryl: Parents are supposed to exercise their control over their children.
• 22:26
  Cheryl: It's just learning the balance of when and where it's appropriate.
• 22:31
  Cheryl: And particularly with one that's pounding the walls.
• 22:34
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:35
  Cheryl: To say, I want more control myself lovingly.
• 22:38
  Cheryl: How do you navigate that?
• 22:40
  Cheryl: That's really tricky.
• 22:41
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 22:42
  Ellen: I think that you need to, I just know as a strong willed kid, everybody appreciated me, but my family, you know, I mean, really, the teachers liked me, you know, and I was a go getter and that was a positive trait.
• 22:54
  Ellen: But for my parents, they always kind of saw it like rebellion, because they didn't see because their lives were very black and white.
• 23:00
  Ellen: You either do what we say or you don't do it.
• 23:02
  Ellen: You're saying you're in trouble.
• 23:03
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 23:04
  Ellen: And so that was always really hard for me because I'm thinking, and I would always ask, well, why do I have to do that?
• 23:10
  Ellen: And they would take that as a challenge, whereas really truly wanted to know was the reason that I have to do that.
• 23:16
  Ellen: If you give me a reason, I probably will be a little more compliant, but they would take it as a threat to their parental authority.
• 23:23
  Ellen: Right.
• 23:24
  Ellen: And so I think, you know, if you have a strong will, Child you have to really think through what are you asking him to do give them reasons?
• 23:31
  Ellen: Why you're you don't you're not obligated every single thing, but you're okay I want you to wear the yellow dress because we're all wearing coordinating clothes on this day, right?
• 23:42
  Ellen: Very
• 23:42
  Christie: good.
• 23:43
  Christie: I read in a book one time and about strong will children.
• 23:47
  Christie: It said value passion wherever you see it.
• 23:51
  Christie: And I thought, Oh, I see it.
• 23:52
  Christie: All right, there's plenty of passion under my roof.
• 23:55
  Christie: But I was just thinking about what you said, it's sometimes perspective, you know, my, my strong will to, That pushed back on me so much, you know, her Mother's Day Out teachers or other people that would have, Oh, I just appreciate her leadership.
• 24:10
  Christie: You know, she's such a delight.
• 24:12
  Christie: She takes charge.
• 24:13
  Christie: She's the first to volunteer to help, all of those things.
• 24:16
  Christie: And I didn't see it as leadership or passion.
• 24:19
  Christie: I, you know, I wanted control over all of the interactions.
• 24:23
  Christie: Well, my parents would
• 24:23
  Ellen: say to the teachers when they'd say that, Are you talking about her?
• 24:27
  Ellen: I've overheard them say that and their mouths are dropping because they just saw it in a different light.
• 24:32
  Ellen: So sometimes
• 24:33
  Christie: it's just reframing and giving them an opportunity to exercise these strong leadership qualities.
• 24:40
  Cheryl: Well, you used the word threatened.
• 24:42
  Cheryl: So, I think parents need to evaluate themselves, do I feel threatened in this, or am I taking it personally?
• 24:50
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:51
  Cheryl: Because you might get your feelings hurt.
• 24:53
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 24:53
  Cheryl: Or, why would you push back on me?
• 24:56
  Cheryl: I'm a really nice mom.
• 24:57
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:57
  Cheryl: Or, this is, I work so hard for this yellow dress.
• 25:00
  Cheryl: All of it that we either are taking it too personally, or, like, Your parents felt threatened.
• 25:06
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:06
  Cheryl: And so I think again, our answer is, um, perspective.
• 25:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:12
  Cheryl: And the mom needs to say, where do I need to exercise control?
• 25:17
  Cheryl: And why is he acting the way he is?
• 25:19
  Cheryl: And why am I acting the way I am?
• 25:22
  Cheryl: Because it's much more than going to preschool.
• 25:25
  Cheryl: Or playing with your sister, you know, this parenting is a messy deal, whether you've got compliants or not, you know, because I alluded to it a while ago with my non compliance, all the compliance was just sitting over there getting so self righteous and being affirmed.
• 25:46
  Cheryl: And so it's messy dynamics, you know, Hey, thanks so much.
• 25:51
  Cheryl: And this messy dynamics is why we always say, Parents, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it.
• 26:01
  Ellen: Yes.
• 26:07
  As we come to the close of today's episode, I wanna thank all of you for joining us and for sending us your thoughts and questions to help fill that digital mailbag.
• 26:18
  Reflecting on our discussion, it's evident that the challenges we face as parents are diverse.
• 26:25
  yet interconnected.
• 26:28
  Personally, I was surprised to see how much overlap and similarities there were between parenting that foot stomping four year old and wing spreading young adult.
• 26:41
  Regardless of which age or specific issues you're navigating in your family, Know that you're not alone on this journey.
• 26:50
  The Parenting Podcast is here walking alongside of you.
• 26:55
  Now, thinking about our conversation today, I encourage you to consider how you can implement some of the key takeaways from our discussion into your own parenting approach.
• 27:09
  Perhaps it's establishing and then keeping clearer boundaries with love and understanding.
• 27:16
  Or, offering your child, whatever their age, more choices to foster their independence, all while remaining the parent, keeping your responsibilities, and requiring appropriate respect.
• 27:31
  Take a moment to think about what resonated with you the most.
• 27:35
  And think of just one actual way you could apply it in your interactions with your own children.
• 27:44
  And remember, we're here to support you every step of the way.
• 27:49
  Don't hesitate to reach out to us on our website, social media channels, or by text at contact at the parentingpodcast.
• 27:58
  com.
• 28:00
  Your questions, feedback, and stories are always welcome.
• 28:05
  Looking ahead, I'm excited to announce that our next series will delve into the various styles of parenting, offering valuable insights and practical tips to help you traverse this complex terrain called parenting.
• 28:21
  Your journey as a parent is unique.
• 28:23
  We can walk that road together at TPP.
• 28:28
  Take care and see you soon.