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S2E42 - Trying to Reflect Feelings but Freezing in the Moment? You're Not Alone · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 0:09
  Hi,
• 0:09
  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
• 0:15
  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I am answering a question from Sarah.
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  And this is about both of her kids
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  who are actively in play therapy at school.
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  And
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  she has been exposed to child-centered play therapy recently as a result
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  and has some questions about implementing it since it's so new to
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  her and her children.
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  So Sarah,
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  thank you so much for the email.
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  I appreciate you reaching out and I'm gonna read parts
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  of the email and then we'll dive in together.
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  My
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  sons,
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  6 and 8 are both in counseling at school due
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  to trauma that they've both faced with their other parents.
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  In the discussions I've had with their counselor,
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  she recommended your podcasts,
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  and they have been eye opening.
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  I've struggled with conflict from both of the boys,
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  and learning from you has made me realize
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  what I've been doing incorrectly as a parent.
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  I appreciate your words.
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  You don't know what you don't know,
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  as they've helped me in my moments of despair,
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  realizing I've not been parenting at my highest potential all these years.
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  I'm so glad,
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  Sarah,
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  that that's been an encouragement to you,
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  and I hope that that's an encouragement to all of us because
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  we don't know what we don't know,
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  and we fall back on that when we feel guilt or shame or embarrassment.
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  Or frustration over lack of knowledge,
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  you can't know what you don't know.
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  And so once you learn,
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  you can change,
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  but until then,
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  we're in the dark.
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  So I,
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  I'm glad that's been helpful for you,
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  Sarah.
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  I've spent the last 3 days at work literally listening nonstop to your podcasts,
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  both your parenting and one for counselors,
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  and I've come home with such an enthusiasm to start working with the boys.
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  However,
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  here's the dilemma.
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  I take all these notes,
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  I come up with my own examples of what to
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  try at home based on previous repeated conflicts we've had.
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  But then the moment comes around and my mind just becomes completely blank,
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  or I try reflecting feeling.
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  They admit that they feel that way,
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  but then I don't know what to do next.
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  I know you said sometimes there doesn't need to be anything next,
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  but it is hard to watch them pout,
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  cry,
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  throw a tantrum,
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  or close up and not be able to do more to help
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  them with those strong emotions that they're unsure of how to regulate.
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  I assume it becomes easier with time and practice and patience.
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  Yes to all three,
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  but I was just wondering what your advice
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  would be for parents just starting this journey.
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  What's the best thing a parent can do if they aren't sure what to do in the moment,
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  other than not react the way they normally would?
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  Or if you have any specific podcasts you can share that addresses the situation.
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  Thank you and thanks for doing this.
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  People like you give me strength in myself and hope for humanity.
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  I'm glad Sarah.
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  I,
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  I truly appreciate those words and I thank you for the encouragement.
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  OK,
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  so let's dive in because Sarah,
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  you're not alone
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  and there are thousands of people that are in this exact same scenario.
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  I get emails like this a lot and so although it feels like it's unique to you
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  and you're the only one in these struggles and you're the only one facing this stuff,
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  you're not.
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  So I hope that that's an encouragement to you just to know that
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  this is a pretty standard scenario.
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  And
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  yes,
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  absolutely.
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  It becomes easier with time and practice and patience,
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  so it's difficult to wait for things,
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  but it does truly
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  get easier
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  with those three components.
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  But what's my advice for parents just starting this journey?
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  Well,
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  the first is trust the process.
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  And I say that all the time,
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  but the broken record syndrome is important here
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  because
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  we know that this
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  is helpful,
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  we know that it's effective,
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  we know the outcomes that it produces in our kids.
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  We have to trust the process.
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  So even when it seems like
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  I should be saying more,
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  I should be doing more,
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  I don't know if this is actually having any kind of effect.
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  I'm not really no I don't really see change.
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  I don't really know what's happening.
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  It's OK to not know.
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  And we trust the process
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  because the process is proven effective.
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  We know when we reflect a child's feelings
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  that it helps them feel heard and validated.
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  We know that it diffuses the intensity of the emotion.
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  We know that it builds an emotional vocabulary for them.
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  We know that they build an emotional IQ as a result.
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  We know when we provide kids with choices
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  that it helps them build self-esteem,
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  that it helps build self-responsibility,
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  that they accept ownership of the outcomes.
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  We know and we encourage kids
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  that it builds their sense of who they are.
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  They learn that they're capable,
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  they increase their self-confidence and self-esteem.
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  These are all proven facts.
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  We know them to be true.
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  So even when it's new,
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  even when we're not sure,
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  even when we feel like we're fumbling and bumbling
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  and things are coming out sideways and backwards.
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  If we trust the process.
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  We know
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  that the outcomes are positive.
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  As far as
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  you coming home with enthusiasm
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  and saying,
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  OK,
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  I have these notes and I have examples,
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  and I,
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  I'm just as prepared as I can be.
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  And then the moment comes and your mind goes blank.
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  It's one of the most consistent
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  complaints that parents communicate.
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  It's one of the most consistent things therapists communicate,
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  that that should reassure you.
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  Therapists go through the same thing.
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  New therapists,
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  therapists that have not been practicing child-centered play therapy very long,
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  they get in the playroom and they're like,
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  I just froze.
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  I,
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  no,
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  I,
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  nothing came out of my mouth.
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  I just,
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  I sat there.
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  I didn't say a word.
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  I didn't know what to say.
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  My brain got ahead of my tongue and I,
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  I don't even think I said anything intelligible.
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  This is the interesting dynamic.
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  Of child-centered play therapy influencing the way that we interact with our kids.
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  Why?
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  Because it's a completely different language.
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  We are learning to speak to kids
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  in a way that is foreign to us.
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  Reflecting feelings to a child,
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  you feeling word qualifier.
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  We've never done that.
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  Providing choices,
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  you can choose A or you can choose B,
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  which do you choose?
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  We've never done that.
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  Using an esteem building phrase or an encouragement phrase,
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  we've never done that.
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  Understanding a three step limit setting process
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  we've never done that before.
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  We've never tracked their behavior we've never reflected their content.
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  This is a completely new way of interacting with children.
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  It's a way of being with children
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  and it's a completely different language.
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  You would not expect yourself to be able to fluently speak Spanish
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  if you took some notes and prepared some scenarios
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  and you listen to some podcasts.
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  If you moved to Spain
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  or Mexico or Honduras or name name the Spanish speaking country,
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  if you moved there,
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  you would not be able to speak the language.
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  And we hold ourselves to unreasonable expectations
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  because we've been exposed to something and we think that we're fluent,
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  and we think that we're proficient,
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  and we're not,
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  we can't be.
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  So here are my tips for just starting out,
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  just starting this journey.
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  What does this look like?
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  Trust the process #1 1st and foremost.
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  Second of all,
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  Think of one thing that you're going to focus on.
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  We do this as clinicians too.
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  We say,
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  OK,
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  we're just gonna work on reflecting feelings.
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  Why?
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  Because we have to master that.
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  We can't go into a playroom and try to master 6 things at once.
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  We'll master none of them.
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  But we can go into a playroom and say,
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  I'm gonna spend this next 50 minutes
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  reflecting as many feelings as I possibly can so
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  that I can become more proficient at that.
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  So Sarah,
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  choose
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  a specific thing
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  that you want to focus on first.
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  It can't be everything,
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  just one thing.
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  Do you want to provide choices?
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  Focus on that.
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  Do you want to encourage?
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  Focus on that.
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  Do you want to reflect feeling?
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  Focus on that.
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  One thing at a time.
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  You can't go big,
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  you have to go specific.
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  Another tip
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  I would say,
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  it's far easier
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  to rehearse
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  what you're going to say.
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  When you're not in front of your child in the moment,
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  than when you're in front of your child in the moment.
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  So here's what I mean.
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  When you are
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  running,
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  jogging.
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  Exercising,
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  showering,
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  folding clothes.
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  Loading dishes
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  Driving somewhere,
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  whatever,
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  routine,
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  monotonous,
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  repetitive,
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  mindless kind of activity that you do
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  every day or every week.
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  That's when you rehearse mentally.
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  Scenarios with your kids.
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  I,
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  every time I coach a therapist,
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  I talk to them about this.
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  Rehearse when you're not in the playroom.
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  It's muscle memory.
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  You have to become proficient at this,
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  but if you wait until it's real time with your kid right in front of you,
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  it's gonna be really tricky.
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  And then you'll get really defeated when it doesn't go how you'd hoped,
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  and then you're not gonna want to keep trying.
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  Rehearse it as often as possible
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  when you're not in front of your child when you can just
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  rephrase,
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  reword,
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  try again.
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  Bumble your words and then go,
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  oop,
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  OK,
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  take 2,
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  take 7,
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  take 19,
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  you're going to keep practicing it,
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  but not in real time,
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  not in front of your kid.
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  So
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  you might think of a scenario where
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  You want to reflect a feeling.
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  So Sarah,
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  you referenced they pout and cry and throw a tantrum.
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  OK.
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  Imagine one of your boys
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  pouting,
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  crying or throwing a tantrum.
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  Imagine what led to that.
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  You can probably think of what happened yesterday
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  and you'll have an actual real world example.
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  So when you're showering or driving or
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  exercising or whatever,
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  go,
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  Johnny
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  got mad because Joey took his toy,
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  he throws himself on the floor,
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  reflective feelings.
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  And rehearse it.
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  You're disappointed
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  that he took that from you.
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  You're angry that
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  he's not sharing.
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  You're frustrated.
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  You're really upset right now.
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  It it's just a
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  constant rehearsal in your head.
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  Of how it's going to come out.
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  And yes,
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  with time,
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  practice and patience,
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  it will naturally unfold,
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  but what better way to give yourself
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  the time to practice,
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  and the patience
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  than when you can do it over and over
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  and over again in preparation for actual moments.
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  So that is my
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  ninja
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  trick
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  for getting to a point where
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  it is easier and it is more of a muscle memory
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  than uh my brain is responsible for remembering all of
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  this all at once and it's new and it's foreign,
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  it's strange and it feels weird coming out of my mouth.
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  It's very tricky to do that unless you've gone through it lots and lots of times.
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  And when you said that you try to reflect
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  their feelings and they admit they feel that way,
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  high five,
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  huge win,
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  Sarah.
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  You accurately identified the child's feeling
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  and the child validated and confirmed
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  that he does in fact feel that way.
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  That's a huge moment for both of you.
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  You understood him,
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  you validated him,
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  he felt heard,
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  he felt seen.
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  He said,
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  yeah,
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  I do feel that way.
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  That's
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  a massive achievement,
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  huge celebration moment.
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  And yes,
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  you don't need to say anything or do anything after that.
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  You might reflect another feeling afterwards.
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  So you might have said,
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  oh,
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  you're so annoyed.
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  I am annoyed.
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  Oh,
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  it's hard being annoyed.
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  It's frustrating when we feel that way.
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  OK.
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  Now we've just acknowledged another feeling that he's probably feeling.
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  And the goal is
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  that the child learns
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  to self regulate
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  and the child learns to solve the problem
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  because if we try to swoop in
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  if we try to redirect if we try to help them feel something different
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  if we try to teach them a lesson.
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  They don't learn to do any of those things for themselves,
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  they rely on you to do those things,
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  and they'll never have self responsibility,
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  they'll never have self-control,
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  they'll they'll never have self regulation.
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  So we sit it,
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  we call it sitting in the pocket of the feeling.
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  And it's not pleasant to do that at all.
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  It's not pleasant for your child,
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  it's not pleasant for you.
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  But we do it intentionally
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  and we do it without outcome in mind.
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  Because when the child is really annoyed,
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  when your son is annoyed and he is throwing a fit.
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  When you don't swoop in,
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  when you don't regulate for him,
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  when you don't redirect,
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  when you don't help him feel better,
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  when you don't do anything except validate how he feels.
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  He's going to very quickly go.
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  Well,
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  she's not gonna get me out of this mess,
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  so I better figure out how to get myself out of this mess.
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  And he's gonna stop pouting,
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  stop tantruming,
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  stop crying.
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  And he's going to regulate.
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  Kids learn that
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  if no one's going to regulate for them,
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  they're gonna do it themselves.
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  And that's why we don't do anything else.
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  It's not that we're insensitive,
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  it's not that we're dismissive,
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  it's not that we don't care.
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  It's actually the opposite.
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  We care so much.
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  That we want our children to build coping,
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  we want our children to build problem solving.
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  We want our children to build resilience.
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  And that's exactly what happens when we just reflect feelings
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  and we just acknowledge that we get it.
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  It naturally diffuses the intensity.
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  And then they're like,
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  hmm,
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  well,
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  I don't like this feeling,
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  I better do something about it.
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  And they regulate.
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  That's the goal.
• 14:05
  So Sarah,
• 14:06
  thank you so much for the questions.
• 14:07
  I appreciate you emailing and I hope that that was helpful for all of you.
• 14:11
  It is tricky to implement something new
• 14:15
  and
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  it takes a while
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  and so be gracious with yourselves,
• 14:20
  be patient with yourselves,
• 14:22
  be understanding of yourselves,
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  and know that with time and with practice and with patience,
• 14:29
  as Sarah mentioned,
• 14:31
  it will naturally start getting easier.
• 14:34
  So I really appreciate the email.
• 14:35
  If you would like to email me,
• 14:37
  I would love to hear from you,
• 14:38
  brenna at the kidd counselor.com,
• 14:40
  and I hope you all have a wonderful week.
• 14:42
  Thanks for hanging out with me.
• 14:43
  We'll talk again soon.
• 14:44
  Bye.
• 14:45
  Thank you for listening to
• 14:46
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 14:50
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 14:54
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.