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The Gap That Changes Everything · Fierce Encouragement

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Hey friends, mark here, welcome back to Fierce Encouragement.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: This is the show where we train our minds and our hearts with practical wisdom, ancient roots and even modern tools to help us feel more plugged into our lives.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: This week's episode is called the Gap that Changes Everything.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Now, if that title sounds familiar, well you're not crazy.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: In fact, it's one of my earliest episodes here on Fierce Encouragement and it was called Getting in the Gap, and that's one episode that's been quietly helping people learn to meditate, to pause and to breathe for over a year now, and that was in episode four Today.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: Well, today I wanted to go a little deeper on that gap concept and if you've ever felt like you're maybe stuck in a loop of reactivity or just running too fast to breathe and slow down, well this is for you.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: We're not just talking about awareness today, we're training for it, because freedom isn't just a feeling, it's a skill we have to develop.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: In this first section I just wanted to talk about Viktor Frankl, a survivor of the Holocaust, and then the space between.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: So here's a quote I come back to again and again.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: In fact it's practically tattooed on my mind and on my soul, I guess Quote between stimulus and response.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: There is a space.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: In that space is our power to choose our response.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: Unquote.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: And again, that was Dr Viktor Frankl.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: And that's the gap.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: Most people miss it every day.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: We walk kind of by all those moments of awareness or those chances of kind of waking up that we have, and we miss it not because we're weak, but it's just that we're unskilled in it, we haven't practiced it.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: It's also because our culture or our modern times runs at such a breakneck pace that we're never really taught to slow down and look for it, to look for those pauses or those gaps between the stimulus and response.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: And this really showed up for me in the past two or three weeks.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: But today, you know, in my own internal makeup, I was out for a long walk after hitting the weight room this morning and someone was walking on the sidewalk in front of me, toward me with their dog and I noticed I got irritated and a little scared.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: Instantly and just as quickly I caught myself and saw the thinking.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: I noticed that trigger or that activity of my mind, that I was scared and also irritated.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: I noticed that heat and literally that is the moment.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: That is the rep, that is where the training occurs.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: So if you haven't considered that, notice those gaps between thoughts.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: Those are the things that we're trying to extend and open up to a little bit more.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: And why isn't this just spiritual?
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: When we kind of look at this, it isn't just spiritual work.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: In fact, one of my favorite authors, dr Daniel Siegel, the author of Aware, says quote where attention goes, neural firing flows and neural connection grows.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: So what does that really mean?
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: Well, translation you can literally rewire your brain for more freedom, for more calm, for more balance and for more clarity.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: Now, it takes time.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: We need to continue to place our mind where we want it to go, right in that calm, relaxed state.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: But I like what Richard Davison, who's here at UW-Madison, wisconsin, and has been researching this for years, but he breaks it down in this way Quote we can cultivate states of awareness that eventually become traits of character.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: Unquote.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: That's good news.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: That's good news.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: There was thought many years ago that once we hit a certain age that our mind isn't developing or expanding or kind of growing anymore.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: Well, richie and his deep work with all the researchers, they've found that the mind has a more of a plasticity or an ability to expand and grow even at, you know, much older ages than they thought before.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: That means if you and me, if we do our kind of mini meditation reps or awareness reps, our future self will become a lot more stable, more centered, more balanced and, ultimately, more free.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: So if you want to be a better parent, a better boss, a better worker, if you want to have more physical energy in your day, maybe be a better partner to somebody else or a friend in your life, start with this.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: Start with coming back to know where your attention is going, kind of like take an attention audit if you will, and we really want to use this idea as a tool.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: So maybe take this as the tool section of this podcast.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: We need to train in the gap, and here's what I'm kind of referring to as a four-step method that I use in the awareness lab, and we also use it with my private clients, and there's some other forms of this tools out there, but I'm calling it right now Just training in the gap.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: So, number one Notice the spark.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: So ask yourself what just triggered me.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: Was it the tone of voice somebody had with me?
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: Was it the email I read at work.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: Was it a comment?
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: Was it a dog on the street?
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: Was it the email I read at work?
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: Was it a comment?
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: Was it a dog on the street?
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: Was it a look?
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: So notice the spark.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: Number two name the mode.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: Who just grabbed the mic inside you?
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: Again, who was the judge or the pleaser or the controller that came up internally Thinking of the dog situation?
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: Again, I think it was scared, a little fear around that type of dog and then just reacting with anger.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: So it was a little anger and a little fear.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: But that's number two name the mode.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: Number three breathe and settle.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: So taking one long inhale, one longer in, I'm sorry, one longer exhale and then just feel that space for a moment when we can breathe and settle.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: Very powerful tool or activity.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: And then, finally, the fourth step ask what would your awareness do?
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: Not the stress part of you, not the critical judging part of you, that voice, but what would the wisest part of you say?
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: So what would awareness do?
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: Part four so again, we notice the spark, we name the mode, we breathe and settle, and then we ask what would awareness do?
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence and that's from Daniel Coleman and his seminal work, emotional Intelligence, and these are the reps.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: And it isn't in a physical gym where we're lifting a weight or doing 20 minutes on our exercise.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: We don't need perfection here either, just like we don't in all of our workouts.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: We just need consistency to show up and do a few reps every day in the gym of our awareness and the moment to moment awareness.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: So why does this change everything?
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: Now?
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: If you've ever blown up at someone you love or if you've ever sabotaged your own like work momentum or project momentum with food or too many screens or Netflix or just delaying, well, that all happened in the space between that stimulus and then your response.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: So again, we look micro, moment, moment to moment.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: When we want to live a life of deeper meaning and better energy and even more mental clarity, well, we have to train in that space, in that gap between stimulus and response.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: You wouldn't expect to get stronger without showing up to your gym workout or to your training protocol.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: Well, it's the same here we can train our brain to become more resilient to that emotional upheaval that is inevitable, whether it's loss or job loss or just having difficult days.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: And honestly, that's where I've been working and kind of focusing as a coach, but more so the past couple months with the Awareness Lab.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: And so what is the Awareness Lab?
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: Well, this is your challenge for this next coming week or two.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: I want you to pick one moment, one spark.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: I want you to pause and breathe and ask yourself what would awareness do.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: Pause and breathe and ask yourself what would awareness do.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: If you want to train like this with others and get support and encouragement, I want to invite you to come to my awareness lab.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: We meet live every week and we have a short check-in session, but we also share out practices and we have the community connection.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: We even have journaling prompts and a little bit of coaching.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Now, it isn't therapy and it's not self-help crap.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: It's about you showing up for those reps so that you can have a more emotional balance and emotional clarity for yourself and get into the gap.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: Jon Kabat-Zinn another one of my favorite kind of inner meditative authors and who's created so many wonderful books over the years.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: But here's a quote from him.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: Quote you can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: Unquote you can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: So the Awareness Lab is just that it's a monthly group and it costs $25 a month.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: There's no fluff, it's just the good stuff high quality connection.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: And hey, if this episode landed with you and you want to go back and listen to that episode, for check it out.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: That was my original meditation on this idea.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: So it I was listening back to it.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: It's a little raw and personal, but it's still one of my most listened to episodes and I just re-released it this week.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: Like I mentioned earlier, it's as kind of a companion to this one, so it should be on the docket right before this one, otherwise it's at episode four.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: But we're not here to be perfect.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: I'm not, you're not.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: We're here to train, train for our families, train for our co-workers, to train to be better people.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: And I just want to thank you for being here, truly, truly.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: Your time, your presence matter, and if this helped, please share it with somebody.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: Forward it to somebody who might need to learn to slow down a little bit, reclaim their inner power.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: In that pause.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: Until then, I would just beckon out to you and clamor stay fierce, stay kind to yourself, encourage yourself with conviction and a fierceness.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: Why?
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: Because it matters.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: We hang out with ourselves all day long.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: Get good at encouraging yourself, having a win or learn attitude and, as always, train with that awareness.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: I hope to see you in the awareness lab and I hope to talk to you soon.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: Otherwise, have a great day, have a great evening, wherever you're at, and this has been fierce encouragement.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: And my name is Mark Walker.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: Take care of yourself.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: Bye-bye, thank you.