Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #53 Stop Stuffing Stuff

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#53 Stop Stuffing Stuff · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Kilson,
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  Speaker 1: where Luke and Susie and this is the podcast for
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  Speaker 1: the time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, I'm going to give him credit in this story.
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  Speaker 3: He was stepping in to step up and contribute in
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  Speaker 3: ways which weren't normal for him because he saw need
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  Speaker 3: and wanted to be helpful. So let's start with that
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  Speaker 3: rather than the problem of the domestic challenge nature.
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  Speaker 4: Well, look, I've actually gotten in trouble for saying that
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  Speaker 4: I was helping my wife the laundry, because apparently I'm
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  Speaker 4: not supposed to help.
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  Speaker 5: I'm just supposed to do it.
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  Speaker 4: But regardless of whatever position you're coming from, we have
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  Speaker 4: a division of labor in our home, and I was
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  Speaker 4: doing stuff that wasn't part of what I normally do.
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  Speaker 4: I was doing the clothes washing because Kylie, my wife,
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  Speaker 4: was expecting one of our children, and she was tired
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  Speaker 4: and over it frankly, and I thought, well, I can
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  Speaker 4: do this.
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  Speaker 1: So about eight months, yeah, yeah, so I started loading
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  Speaker 1: up the clothes washer.
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  Speaker 5: What do you call that washing machine? Thank you, Oh dear,
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  Speaker 5: you can see where this is going already.
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  Speaker 2: The clothes cleaning.
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  Speaker 5: Machine stop picking on me.
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  Speaker 4: I started, and I did a good job, Like you know,
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  Speaker 4: I separated the whites from the darks. And because we
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  Speaker 4: have so many daughters, I mean six girls at the
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  Speaker 4: time we didn't have six. But with nothing but girls,
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  Speaker 4: we've got a whites pile, of pinks pile and a
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  Speaker 4: darks pile. And I don't know which one it was.
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  Speaker 4: Let's let's say threw all the darks in and I
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  Speaker 4: just jammed it all in there so I can get
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  Speaker 4: it all done in one load, because by Jingos, I
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  Speaker 4: wasn't doing two loads of this. And when I started
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  Speaker 4: to hang the washing an hour and a half later
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  Speaker 4: or whatever it was, I noticed that a lot of
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  Speaker 4: the clothing still appeared dirty. In fact, some of it
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  Speaker 4: looked dirtier than it was when it went in. And
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  Speaker 4: so I started perusing the White Goods catalog for the
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  Speaker 4: local retailers.
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  Speaker 3: I love this because he's Instant's instant thought was, clearly,
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  Speaker 3: the cloth closed cleaning machine is broken, and I can
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  Speaker 3: fix this.
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  Speaker 5: That's one with bigger capacity.
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  Speaker 2: I like that.
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  Speaker 1: That's solution's focus.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah, that's right.
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  Speaker 4: And Kylie noticed my interest in the catalog and asked
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  Speaker 4: what I was doing, and I explained what had happened,
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  Speaker 4: and it was at that point that I learned a
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  Speaker 4: really important lesson, not just for cleaning clothes in one
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  Speaker 4: of these magnificent machines, but but for life. When you're
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  Speaker 4: stuffed too much in, you get suboptimal outcomes. Kylie had
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  Speaker 4: a look at how many items of clothes I had
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  Speaker 4: almost put three loads of washing through in one load,
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  Speaker 4: and so obviously the machine just couldn't cope it, and
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  Speaker 4: it didn't do it.
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  Speaker 2: But it's not like just before collection.
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  Speaker 4: Start walking up and down the neighborhood street two in
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  Speaker 4: the morning, hoping no one discovers you.
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  Speaker 5: And so I think that there's a really important.
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  Speaker 4: Life lesson here for family, for parents, and that is
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  Speaker 4: that when we stuff too much in, we get lousy outcomes.
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  Speaker 4: Our children need to have a life, they need to
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  Speaker 4: have a childhood, They need to be allowed to breathe.
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  Speaker 5: You know.
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  Speaker 4: A recent study just published in the last very very
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  Speaker 4: recent past showed that if we can have some silence
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  Speaker 4: every day, ten minutes at a minimum two hours would
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  Speaker 4: be ideal.
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  Speaker 5: And I know that's not really really realistic, but.
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  Speaker 4: Our brain responds so well to just having that downtime.
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  Speaker 5: But we're so busy stuffing stuff.
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  Speaker 4: In with the kids with their extracurricular and we've got
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  Speaker 4: so much on our plates, and we still want to
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  Speaker 4: have a little bit of time to watch our favorite
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  Speaker 4: ridiculous television show at eight o'clock at nine or eight
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  Speaker 4: thirty at night or whatever once the kids, you know,
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  Speaker 4: or we're on our Netflix catching up on our cereals
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  Speaker 4: or whatever it is.
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  Speaker 5: We just try to stuff too much in the thing.
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  Speaker 3: Though, when I look at that and I think about, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: we go, yeah, karate, and we've got rugby, and we've
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  Speaker 3: got training, and then we've got all these different things
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  Speaker 3: that we're going to do.
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  Speaker 2: And if we don't do it, if we cull them back,
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  Speaker 2: then we don't.
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  Speaker 3: Get these years of their life back where they get
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  Speaker 3: to develop and learn new skills and try new things.
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  Speaker 3: This time disappears. So we're trying to fit more in
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  Speaker 3: for their life skills. And I can see why the
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  Speaker 3: busyness can interrupt with this. But where's the line between
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  Speaker 3: the space now and the options later.
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  Speaker 4: It's a really fine line, because we want our children
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  Speaker 4: to have those experiences and develop those skills. We've made
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  Speaker 4: a decision in our family and it's not for every family,
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  Speaker 4: and I'm not suggesting that others should do it. I'm
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  Speaker 4: simply using it as an example that our kids don't
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  Speaker 4: play Saturday sport. We have one at the moment who
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  Speaker 4: is playing, and it causes some disruption, but we want
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  Speaker 4: to have our super Saturdays, and so our Saturday is
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  Speaker 4: a kind of a sacred day for us where it's
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  Speaker 4: just absolutely family time. And let me tell you recently,
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  Speaker 4: in middle of winter in we're now living in Brisbane,
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  Speaker 4: we jumped in the car at six o'clock on a
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  Speaker 4: Saturday morning.
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  Speaker 5: Ask me how happy the children were to.
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  Speaker 4: Get out of bed at six a the kids winter morning,
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  Speaker 4: and we drove down to Burley Heads and we jumped
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  Speaker 4: out of the car and we walked over the headland and.
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  Speaker 5: You know, it's just magic up there. It was the
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  Speaker 5: most beautiful day.
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  Speaker 4: And then we were while season two we didn't see
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  Speaker 4: any whales, but Gollie, it was gorgeous and we got
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  Speaker 4: back down to the to the base where the surf
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  Speaker 4: club is and we had some brecki on the beach
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  Speaker 4: and then we walked from Burley to North Burley, well,
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  Speaker 4: my wife and I, Kylie and I walked, but the
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  Speaker 4: kids they just because it's Queensland, right. I know it's
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  Speaker 4: the middle of winter, but the kids swam, They walked
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  Speaker 4: in the water knee deep, waist deep all the way up.
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  Speaker 5: They just had such a great time.
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  Speaker 4: It took us four hours to do the walk, and
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  Speaker 4: we still managed to get our other daughter a sport
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  Speaker 4: in time and all that sort of thing. But when
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  Speaker 4: we slowed down, the whole family just came together. Everybody
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  Speaker 4: felt so good. I've spoken to it so another family
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  Speaker 4: who decided to take on this advice, and they came
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  Speaker 4: back to me and they said, we've just started saying
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  Speaker 4: things like, no, we're going to be busy on that
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  Speaker 4: Friday night. We'd love to attend, but we might be
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  Speaker 4: able to be there. They've just started saying no to things.
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  Speaker 4: They've stopped stuffing so much in and it's given them
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  Speaker 4: what I call margin in their life, and they're getting
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  Speaker 4: to have some interesting conversations with their children and wonderful
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  Speaker 4: experiences that build relationships with their children and bond their
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  Speaker 4: family stronger. Makes such a difference, much better result than
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  Speaker 4: being able to say, my daughter has her Grade eight piano,
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  Speaker 4: which is wonderful, but what would you rather a daughter
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  Speaker 4: who's got great eight piano or a daughter who and
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  Speaker 4: I'm not saying they're mutually exclusive, but if we push
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  Speaker 4: too hard, sometimes the relationships suffer.
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  Speaker 5: So that we can give them those skills.
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  Speaker 3: It's harder to make the other parents feel like they're
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  Speaker 3: inadequate as parents. If, like without quoting the grade eight,
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  Speaker 3: like the achievements of our children, we need that to
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  Speaker 3: make other parents feel like we're.
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  Speaker 5: Better, that's right.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's hard with multiple children too, because I know,
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  Speaker 1: you know, we've invested in our boys all do rugby,
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  Speaker 1: and we actually we love the Saturday morning sport because
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  Speaker 1: it's for us.
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  Speaker 2: It's over and done with by.
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  Speaker 1: Nine point thirty in the morning, so we've still got
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  Speaker 1: the whole day, but we've got our energy by that point.
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  Speaker 4: You've got a tradition for your family, and so I'm
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  Speaker 4: not saying that you need to do it my way.
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  Speaker 5: I'm glad you have pointed that out.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, but then you know, one of our other sons
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  Speaker 1: does karate, but I recognize, but that sort of takes
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  Speaker 1: up most of our school afternoons then, plus then the
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  Speaker 1: Saturday morning, I noticed there's another son of mine who's
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  Speaker 1: got some skills that I think I think he'd be
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  Speaker 1: great at maybe dancing, maybe gymnastics, but he's physically different
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  Speaker 1: to his brothers. But we don't have the time to
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  Speaker 1: invest in him because of what's being invested in another child.
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  Speaker 1: So I like that idea of you know what, let's
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  Speaker 1: start saying, notice some stuff, figure out what's important is it?
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  Speaker 1: You know, I don't know.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know who thought one size doesn't fit all suit.
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  Speaker 3: It doesn't this whole well, this whole thing, Like, let's
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  Speaker 3: take it away from parenting. This is something that I
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  Speaker 3: understood in my office space that in a culture and
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  Speaker 3: a team environment, you had some people come in and go,
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  Speaker 3: it's got to be head down, bum up.
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  Speaker 2: You've got to constantly be working the entire time.
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  Speaker 3: And what I knew was that at the end of
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  Speaker 3: the day I had really poor performers. If that was
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  Speaker 3: the culture where I had other managers from other departments go,
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  Speaker 3: your guys are just looking at Facebook and are just
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  Speaker 3: they're laughing and joking and they're not working and they're
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  Speaker 3: standing in the hallways. I went, yeah, but that's where
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  Speaker 3: some of their best stuff comes out of That's where
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  Speaker 3: their magic comes because they're having fun and they're not
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  Speaker 3: they know that they can take a few minutes and
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  Speaker 3: just go look at something else. It's different because we
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  Speaker 3: were a creative environment in a radio station. But at
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  Speaker 3: the same point, like what it built was culture, what
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  Speaker 3: it built was relationships. And after ten years, that team
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  Speaker 3: that was only looking at Facebook are still working those
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  Speaker 3: jobs out of the most tight knit team that I've
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  Speaker 3: ever seen in the radio industry. And it came from
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  Speaker 3: those I talked about. The inefficiency of relationship is what
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  Speaker 3: I'd always talk about. You can't bond efficiently.
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  Speaker 4: It's so funny that you said that, because there was
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  Speaker 4: a line in my head that I was going to use,
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  Speaker 4: and you've just you've given me the opposite of the line.
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  Speaker 4: What I was going to say is we're so intensely
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  Speaker 4: focused on maximizing every moment, but relationships don't work on
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  Speaker 4: the principles of efficiency. It's precisely what I was going
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  Speaker 4: to say. You've just fund it in the other way.
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  Speaker 4: Relationships don't work. You can't say to your kids, Okay, kids,
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  Speaker 4: we have seven and a half minutes between the garage
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  Speaker 4: and football training.
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  Speaker 5: What's on your mind.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah that's true, that's true. Yeah. Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: And so because you would say to me like in particular,
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  Speaker 3: and because it was almost like I felt like she
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  Speaker 3: was doing me a favor when she would take the
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  Speaker 3: kids in for bedtime every night while I was doing
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  Speaker 3: something else.
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  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, like you know, if you want me to
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  Speaker 2: do it, and say she goes.
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  Speaker 3: No, that's actually my favorite time because she goes and
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  Speaker 3: she sits in the room and there's quiet and there's
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  Speaker 3: no agenda and there's nowhere to be and then suddenly
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  Speaker 3: they start talking to her, yeah, and telling her things
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  Speaker 3: about the day that they never want responded with, how
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  Speaker 3: is your day?
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  Speaker 2: What happened at school? Was going on? It just burst
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  Speaker 2: out in space.
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  Speaker 4: Slow down, slow down, slow down.
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  Speaker 5: Yes.
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  Speaker 1: I found the other day my son told me something
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  Speaker 1: about a little we were in the middle of doing stuff.
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  Speaker 1: He told me about a fight he'd had with one
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  Speaker 1: of his friends and he said, he said he's not
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  Speaker 1: going to talk to me for the rest of the year.
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  Speaker 1: And I said, well, that's going to be very quiet then,
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  Speaker 1: isn't it. And we were in the middle and I
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  Speaker 1: was so busy reacting to this, just trying to say something,
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  Speaker 1: just to get us out to the car so that
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  Speaker 1: we could keep doing what we had to do. It
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  Speaker 1: was a couple of hours later, in the quiet of night,
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  Speaker 1: that I called him in and I said, you know what,
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  Speaker 1: that must have really hurt your feelings when your friend
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  Speaker 1: said that he doesn't want to talk to you for
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  Speaker 1: the rest of the year, and blow all this other
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  Speaker 1: stuff came out, and I realized in that moment, how
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  Speaker 1: many times have I just dismissed these little things trying
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  Speaker 1: to get everything else done, that I've dismissed these golden
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  Speaker 1: little moments where your child's trying to let you in
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  Speaker 1: and not really given it the response and the time
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: that it needs, that he needs. And I feel like
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  Speaker 1: I've missed so much conversation with my child and learning
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  Speaker 1: about his life because I've been dismissive because I've been busy.
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  Speaker 4: It's one of those things where you know, if we could,
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  Speaker 4: if we could just get that conversation right when the
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  Speaker 4: kids come in the door and we say how is
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  Speaker 4: your day and they say eh, And sometimes we get
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  Speaker 4: cranky about that, But think about it when you walk
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  Speaker 4: in at the end of your day and your significant
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  Speaker 4: other says, how is your day? I'm so glad you asked,
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  Speaker 4: and I want to tell you about this, and we
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  Speaker 4: don't do that we're like, Oh, but once we're laying down,
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  Speaker 4: once we're in bed, once the kids are in bed,
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  Speaker 4: once we're in the car, once we've gone for a
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  Speaker 4: walk in nature, once we've done something, once we're at
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  Speaker 4: the table, the conversation starts to flow. Relationships aren't abou efficiency,
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  Speaker 4: They're about time, slow down, stop stuffing so much in.
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  Speaker 3: Love, wonderful. I'm glad we took some time to catch
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  Speaker 3: that moment. Now we've got to go, Justin quit before
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  Speaker 3: we wrap things up, let's all rem Justin how to
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  Speaker 3: use the washing machine.
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  Speaker 2: The clothes cleaning machine. Doctor Justin Golson, thank you so much.
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  Speaker 5: For your Oh gosh, I hope that's not all you
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  Speaker 5: take out of this. I'm sharing. I'm burying my soul here.
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  Speaker 2: It's not all we take, but it's enough. It's enough.
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  Speaker 1: For more info in all of Justin's books, podcasts, and programs,
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: you can jump online to Happy Families dot com dot
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: are you to find out how to have Justin speak
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: at your school, or you can come along to your
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: organization as well. Go to Justin Coulson dot com.