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Using Immediacy To Facilitate and Deepen Communication · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:00
  Mary: Hi, and welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets.
• 0:04
  Mary: So I am late with this episode.
• 0:06
  Mary: It is 6:39 a.m.
• 0:09
  Mary: on Monday.
• 0:10
  Mary: Normally the episode is recorded the weekend before and drops at 4 a.m.
• 0:15
  Mary: So here I am sitting in my pajamas because the weekend was a little bit crazy.
• 0:21
  Mary: We are on our ninth day with our puppy Alfie.
• 0:24
  Mary: He is the best boy.
• 0:26
  Mary: His mommy and daddy are a little old for this puppy craziness.
• 0:30
  Mary: I think we didn't realize because we each raised our last puppy, well, at least 20 years ago for me.
• 0:37
  Mary: I think it was longer for my husband.
• 0:40
  Mary: Um and my dog Benny that I had before, he was pretty chill.
• 0:45
  Mary: So the training him was quite easy.
• 0:48
  Mary: Plus, we had a little organic farm.
• 0:51
  Mary: That was my first marriage.
• 0:52
  Mary: And so he was outside a lot.
• 0:54
  Mary: So I think the potty training was a bit easier because he was sort of hanging outside a lot of the time.
• 1:01
  Mary: We also didn't crate train him.
• 1:03
  Mary: But Alfie's doing great.
• 1:05
  Mary: We are learning every day.
• 1:07
  Mary: Um, the biggest issue I think now, because he's already going to the door sometimes when he has to go potty.
• 1:14
  Mary: He's learning so quickly.
• 1:15
  Mary: He's a beautiful sitter.
• 1:17
  Mary: Like he'll sit at the door and be quiet.
• 1:20
  Mary: Or, you know, he has his puppy crazies, his puppy zoomies, but I think we didn't realize how much it would impact our ability to have a normal day, to get work done, because he is a little bit anxious.
• 1:34
  Mary: So at night, anytime even I get up to go to the bathroom, he will start barking.
• 1:41
  Mary: He's fine as soon as I get back in the room.
• 1:43
  Mary: I do ignore him.
• 1:45
  Mary: Um, I don't respond to that.
• 1:47
  Mary: But so he doesn't like when he doesn't know where we are.
• 1:51
  Mary: So we have not yet left the house with him in the crate.
• 1:55
  Mary: So if you have any advice, we do start our puppy classes this Thursday.
• 2:00
  Mary: So, anyway, all that to say, um, our lives are upended, but we love him.
• 2:06
  Mary: He is a warm wiggly snuggle bug, and he's such a good boy.
• 2:11
  Mary: So that's an update on that.
• 2:13
  Mary: Not an excuse, but a reason why this is a little late this week.
• 2:18
  Mary: So, what I wanted to talk about is immediacy, and I made this note like a week ago that I wanted to talk about this.
• 2:26
  Mary: So, there's a concept in therapy called immediacy, and it translates really well to every relationship, pretty much.
• 2:38
  Mary: So, let me tell you what it means in the therapy relationship, and then how you can have this as a tool in your communication about relationships.
• 2:51
  Mary: So, in the counseling relationship, and really again, kind of in any relationship, it's talking about what is happening in the moment.
• 3:00
  Mary: So sometimes in therapy it's called breaking the fourth wall, but it is talking about what the therapist is observing happening.
• 3:12
  Mary: So, for instance, I'll give you an example from a client that I worked with.
• 3:20
  Mary: There would be certain topics that, and really one basic topic, that when we talked about it, he would close up, cross his arms, um, his expression would change, and no amount of gentle reintroducing this in you know, subsequent sessions would soften that.
• 3:45
  Mary: So that is something to address.
• 3:47
  Mary: It's uh an observation.
• 3:49
  Mary: So I said something like, Every time I bring up, and I honestly I don't remember the topic, I'll just say every time I bring up your relationship with your father, you cross your arms, you appear to shut down, and you almost look as if you're angry with me.
• 4:09
  Mary: And what that does is it's observing what is happening so that we can go deeper, so that the client can then address what is that?
• 4:22
  Mary: Is it resistance?
• 4:24
  Mary: Is it um, is there something that I'm saying that's triggering the same feelings that maybe his father triggers in him?
• 4:34
  Mary: And it's important because this is some of the best, most fertile information that you can have in a relationship is how someone is reacting in the moment.
• 4:49
  Mary: Because I think sometimes we think if I just say this in the right way, the person is gonna get it.
• 4:56
  Mary: Or I need to be better at describing how I'm feeling.
• 5:00
  Mary: Those are all, I mean, those things are very important, but we need to be tuned into how the other person is reacting.
• 5:12
  Mary: So one of the things that is important, and it's important in a therapy relationship, certainly, because we hold a lot of therapists hold a lot of power, right?
• 5:23
  Mary: We're the ones that, and I don't think of myself, quote, as the expert because thought clients know themselves, but we have access to a lot of information in a therapy session that we're observing.
• 5:37
  Mary: And so being able to handle that information with a lot of empathy and being able to use I statements is important, being able to time it very carefully.
• 5:50
  Mary: So when we're observing a reaction that seems very strong to a certain subject or talking about a certain relationship, we don't want to do that in the first session.
• 6:01
  Mary: I mean, we need to build some trust, but we also need to be aware of our emotions when we're talking about it, because it can be frustrating when we see anybody in any relationship shut down over certain things.
• 6:18
  Mary: So let me now switch to, you know, our personal relationships.
• 6:22
  Mary: So maybe in your intimate relationship, your marriage, your partnership, whatever, you may have certain subjects where the needle never moves.
• 6:35
  Mary: You will bring up the topic and your partner either makes a joke, they dismiss it.
• 6:41
  Mary: Hopefully, they don't sort of blame you or tell you, oh, you're crazy, what are you talking about?
• 6:47
  Mary: Because you know, right?
• 6:48
  Mary: You know when there's something not right.
• 6:51
  Mary: But that information about that reaction can be used to get past that roadblock.
• 7:02
  Mary: So there's two times I think of using it, and I talk to clients about being able to use this immediacy in their relationship.
• 7:10
  Mary: And the one is that, the one is observing what is happening with the other person.
• 7:15
  Mary: So even saying it in a way that is not accusatory, again, trying to use I statements.
• 7:22
  Mary: So it might be as an example, um, every time we talk about your mother coming to visit, and I tell you how stressful that is to me, you act like it's no big deal.
• 7:38
  Mary: And I hear you kind of make a joke and kind of dismiss it.
• 7:44
  Mary: And that is really hard for me.
• 7:47
  Mary: So what you're doing there is instead of talking about, you know, when your mother comes, it's very stressful.
• 7:54
  Mary: And I feel like, you know, she's judging how clean the house is, she's judging how we are raising the kids.
• 8:00
  Mary: You're talking about what is happening in the relationship.
• 8:06
  Mary: And that is the most important thing because we can get off track because we can't change the mother-in-law, right?
• 8:14
  Mary: Your feelings are valid about, you know, when mother-in-law comes to visit, if this makes you feel a certain type of way.
• 8:21
  Mary: But the important thing here is how is your partner receiving that?
• 8:26
  Mary: And being able to observe that is really important.
• 8:30
  Mary: Um, so if it's your kid, let's say um every time you have a biology test, when you come home that day, you go right to your room and you start listening to music.
• 8:45
  Mary: Is that related?
• 8:46
  Mary: Is there something happening there?
• 8:48
  Mary: So it's approach it with curiosity, approach it as you're observing a behavior.
• 8:54
  Mary: Here's what you are seeing, and you can also observe how you feel.
• 9:02
  Mary: So, you know, I want to be able to support you with your school stuff.
• 9:07
  Mary: I feel that sometimes you want to shut me out.
• 9:12
  Mary: What's happening there?
• 9:13
  Mary: Is there anything I can do?
• 9:14
  Mary: And you're really observing that.
• 9:16
  Mary: The other time that you can use immediacy, and this is really this is understanding what's happening with you.
• 9:23
  Mary: So I have a lot of times where clients aren't sure how to facilitate communication about an issue.
• 9:31
  Mary: And so they're thinking about again, what words am I going to use?
• 9:35
  Mary: How am I going to say this?
• 9:37
  Mary: And they get so worried about what's going to happen when they start to speak.
• 9:44
  Mary: That I mean, I'm sure you've had this situation, I've had this situation.
• 9:48
  Mary: The more you think about it, the harder it is to get those words out, to even start.
• 9:53
  Mary: And so I would say, let's rewind a little bit and simply talk about what it feels like for you to try to talk about the subject.
• 10:04
  Mary: So instead of really pondering or ruminating or worrying about the exact words you're going to use, just approach that person and say what's happening with you.
• 10:17
  Mary: Say, I really want to talk to you about something, but I'm feeling a little scared, or I'm really worried about how you're going to react.
• 10:27
  Mary: And hopefully the person receiving that will hear it as it's intended, that you're trying to make a connection.
• 10:34
  Mary: You want to talk about something, but you're worried about it.
• 10:39
  Mary: And when you start to talk about first the way you're feeling about it, it can sometimes lower the barrier because it makes you a little vulnerable, right?
• 10:49
  Mary: It's it's hard to be vulnerable and we want to be able to just know what to say and think that we're going to be able to solve a conflict or or a stalemate or whatever is happening in our relationship just by finding the right words.
• 11:03
  Mary: But often it's about addressing the dynamic that's happening in that relationship.
• 11:10
  Mary: Because I would almost guarantee you that if you have a situation that you're ruminating on, you know you should talk about, but you're putting it off and putting it off, that other person on some level, conscious or unconscious, is feeling that.
• 11:28
  Mary: And so it can be a really positive way to start to make that connection and also safer for you because you're not worrying about the exact words you're going to use.
• 11:39
  Mary: And you're not worrying about, oh, how are they going to react if I talk about how I'm feeling about their mother-in-law or their mother?
• 11:47
  Mary: You're talking about your relationship with that person.
• 11:51
  Mary: That's immediacy.
• 11:52
  Mary: That is what is happening in this moment.
• 11:53
  Mary: In this moment, I so want to connect to you on this topic, but I'm so worried about what your reaction is going to be that it's kept me from being able to bring it up.
• 12:04
  Mary: So when you're in situations that you you feel like you need to communicate about a certain thing, certainly think about the outcome you want.
• 12:14
  Mary: I've talked about that in other episodes.
• 12:17
  Mary: Be careful that of what you want.
• 12:19
  Mary: You know, if you want the other person to change to be a certain way, that might not always happen.
• 12:25
  Mary: But if you just need to start to open lines of communication and you're worried about what to say, back it up a little bit and take some time to think about what am I feeling about this?
• 12:35
  Mary: And how can I start to share with this other person on that level, on the level of immediacy, what is immediately happening between you and I when I try to bring up this topic.
• 12:49
  Mary: So that's what's on my mind or has been on my mind this week, along with potty training a puppy and what toys to buy next.
• 12:57
  Mary: So, speaking of toys, if you would like to support this show, if you are a fan and you like listening or you appreciated this episode, I have a link in the show notes that says support the show because now I not only have to buy cat treats, I have to buy dog toys because he's chewing the carpets and my pajama pants and one of my favorite chairs.
• 13:20
  Mary: So anyway, until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.