Latest / Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano / Releasing Grief Once and For All

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Releasing Grief Once and For All · Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano

• In chronic pain and trauma world, everyone has experienced loss and death >> Lyndsay Soprano: This is your pain game podcast, where we talk about the game of living in and with chronic pain and trauma getting to the heart of how to heal. I am your host, Lyndsay Soprano. On this show, I plan on discussing with doctors, chronic pain patients, holistic practitioners, loved ones, and anybody that is interested in having their voice heard. In the chronic pain and trauma world that we live in, everyone has experienced loss and death, of a loved one in some capacity. Right? I mean, even if it's your dog, baby, which I have lost many, unfortunately, no matter what. We know grief, right? And it doesn't even necessarily have to be somebody dying. Loss is losing a relationship that you've been in for 35 years. Right. Loss is loss of a job. Loss is losing a child. Loss is. Loss is loss. Right. We've all experienced it to some capacity. That emptiness, the sadness, the disbelief. That, for me, is what's challenging for grief with me, is the disbelief that they could actually be gone. It's almost like an out of body experience to me, at least. And for me, who feels far more than most, the empath that Lyndsay is. With each loss, I have felt like a piece of me has kind of disappeared and shriveled away. And I don't like that because I don't want to forget the love. I don't want to forget that relationship. I don't want to forget that person or that experience that I've lost. And I know that I haven't fully grieved all of my losses, and I don't even really know what that means to fully grieve. I know that a lot of that grief throughout my life, of things that have happened to me, things that I've done to others, have sat in my bod. But, I mean, when you talk about grieving, for me, grieving is ugly sobbing for at least a week or two and disconnect from society, sit on my couch, watch sappy movies or most likely just true crime and drink way too much prosecco. Right? And then I guess we just have to move on. Cause that's what we're supposed to do as adults. Just move on. You're fine. Just move on. It's not that easy. And that is where my guest today is going to help us. Help us how? To grieve in a healthier way for us as well as the people that are around us in our lives. Lindsay introduces you to grief and trauma expert Denise Dilvaard So, without further ado, I would like to introduce you today to my guest, Denise Dielwart Hello, darling. >> Denise Dielwart: Hello. Lyndsay. It's great to be here and great to be sharing the message of grief that, you know, grief is messy and grief is. Griefendez, you briefly mentioned the loss of our fur babies. I just lost my fur baby at 13 years old. And, I thought, you know, this is grief all over again. I know I lost my husband. You know, people say, are you. But it's just an animal. It's not. It was. >> Lyndsay Soprano: It's part of. Oh, my God. >> Denise Dielwart: So grief comes in many shapes and sizes. And the key is, though, is to move through it is to not stay in that grief, to not stay in that pain, because that causes havoc, absolute havoc. >> Lyndsay Soprano: So Denise is a grief and trauma expert, not a coach. She's an expert. After experiencing profound loss after the sudden passing of her husband in 2009 at the young age of 55, her methods of grieving were not working right. We've been there, done that. So Denise sought a path to healing that led to the creation of something called the flow grief release method. And, we're going to get totally into that. A transformative approach to moving through grief with grace and ease. Grace is a hard thing for me, but that's just because it's me. Denise's journey from the depths of despair to rediscovering joy. We're going to talk a lot about joy today inspired her to help others with over 15 years of experience. She has guided thousands to reclaim their lives internationally from their grief using her unique flow method that dramatically shortens the healing process from years to months. I will take that all day long, from years to months. So. Griefendez lost her husband in 2009 to a blood clot All right, I'm rolling out the red carpet for you, babe, and I'd like to start by talking about what happened to your husband in 2009 and what you kind of coin as a despair meltdown. And let's take it from there. >> Denise Dielwart: Well, we got up in the morning, he went off to work. I went off to work, and he didn't come home. It just. You know, if we put it in a nutshell, he, He died of a blood clot. M so there was no goodbyes. There was no I love yous. There was no warning. There was no warning. Yeah, I was young at the time. The kids had just moved out of the house. We were living on eight acres of land. It was our forever home that we built. >> Lyndsay Soprano: He. >> Denise Dielwart: You know, I had, at that stage, eight grandsons. I've now got nine, but eight grandsons. So we had the motorbike track out the back for the boys, and it was. We were creating our. Our family home, the haven, where everybody came to and then I suddenly found myself on my own. What was I going to do? Where do I go from here, total? We go into la la land. We feel as though we're walking outside our bodies. We really do. And that's normal. That's Griefendez. I started forgetting things. I started repeating myself. And my daughter said to me, she said, mum, she said, you're losing it. You're getting Alzheimer's. And I thought, I can't be getting Alzheimer's at my age. It's impossible. This just doesn't happen. But what I didn't realize it was a thing called widow fog. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Widow fog. Oh, wow. Interesting. >> Denise Dielwart: Chemicals change your brain. You know, the only way that I can really put it is when you have baby brain. You know, when you're pregnant and you have baby brain, I'm sure a lot of ladies can relate to that, where you just forget things. You repeat yourself, you know, widow fog is exactly the same thing, so. And I didn't discover that until I started my own healing journey. No doctor told me, no psychiatrist told me, no psychologist told me, no counselor told me, because, no, they don't know. So I was seeing a psychologist who then told me, hey, you know, it's going to take you five to seven years. You've lost your husband. you need to wait for time, and you need to go through the five stages of grief. Initially, I believed her because I didn't know what else to do until it didn't work anymore. And that's when, I actually, one day, one, I went to work in my previous life. I was a bookkeeper to small business. I did taxes and all the left brain stuff, say my previous life. And, I had a particularly bad client. And I came home and I just threw my laptop and I can't fucking do this anymore. I'm done. I cannot live like this anymore. And, I basically wiped myself out with wine that night. >> Lyndsay Soprano: I'm sorry, I'm, laughing. Wiped myself out with wine. Ladies, can I get a count on how many of us have done that? Yep. That's you, you, you. Oh, all of us. Yes. I choose prosecco, but, yes, wiping out with wine. Well, and you. And you were with him since you were 16 years old? That's right. That is a lifetime. I mean, I can't even imagine. Well, actually, my high school sweetheart was wonderful. I actually could imagine being married to him if I actually ended up marrying him. But big picture, 16 years old to 55. I mean, that is a long time to be with somebody. >> Denise Dielwart: Yeah. And, we worked together we had a business together. You know, everybody used to say, you know, how do you do it? You're with each other 24/7 it's because we were good friends. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah, we like each other. >> Denise Dielwart: We grew up together. We brought each other up. We were kids when we got married. We had kids when we were kids, you know, so, it was just, we were just there. And, after I wiped myself out and crawled into bed, I woke up in the morning still in my. Still in my clothes from the day before. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Well, I mean, that's what wine will do. >> Denise Dielwart: my eyes were a bit swollen because with every glass of wine, I was crying, and have another glass of wine, because that's what wine does. It brings out all that stuff. But that was when I realized that I can't keep on doing this. And I could very quickly fall into that trap of living on my own and having wine every night. You've worked with women who have become alcoholics after their husband died >> Lyndsay Soprano: Was the wine, the what you would, describe as a specific moment that you realized you needed to embark on a journey. >> Denise Dielwart: Very specific moment. Because it actually frightened me to think that it's so easy to that. To fall into that. I frightened myself. I mean, yeah, I mean, growing up and having parties, we all wipe ourselves out, but it's fun. You wake up in the morning, think, gee, that was a good night last night. This was totally the opposite. I was doing it to drown my sorrows, literally, to drown my sorrows, to block out my world. And that's the danger. That's the danger. And I've worked with so many ladies that have become alcoholics since their husband died. >> Lyndsay Soprano: So when you decided, like, I'm done with this, I'm done drowning my sorrows. And whatever it is, we all do it, whether it's gambling or shopping or drinking or drugs or whatever. We all have a coping of food, you know, we all have our coping mechanisms as we go through, as we grieve, and we all grieve differently. And it's okay to grieve. It is okay to let it all out. It is okay to not have your shit together. It is okay to unravel, because we know that there are people around us that will help us ravel ourselves back up, you know? And I'm fortunate that I have very good support in my life with my pain stuff and all of that, but when people don't have a support network, that has got to be harder. So let's talk a little bit about you. This was 15 years ago. Who the hell are you? So let's talk a little bit about you. You're done with this now? I'm like, I'm, done drowning in wine. Even though that was fun. Some nights it's nothing. Some, nights it's not that big picture. It's like, this is fun. This is great. I'm, weepy and I'm watching Bridget Jones diary, you know? And now. Now what? So now you've decided this isn't working? >> Denise Dielwart: Yeah. >> Lyndsay Soprano: This isn't working for me. So, now what happens? >> Denise Dielwart: So, instinctively I knew, because I'd been on the self growth and self development path for many years, Martin and I used to do it, for God's sake. I got this man who was an auto electrician, early man, to meditate with me. So, you know, so we were already on that path, and, we were both on that path together. And I knew, okay, I've got to heal me. I've got to heal myself. Not the grief, because the grief is going to be there for the rest of our life. It's loss. We're going to grieve that loss. The person, sir. So I thought, you know what? And I opened up my laptop, and the next day, the next morning, opened up my laptop and I went, I know. I'll become a life coach now. This was 15 years ago. I am so broken. But I did that so that I could get the tools. You see, being a high achiever, it wasn't good enough for me to work with somebody. I had to become that person. I'm sure many ladies can relate to that. It's like, no, I'll just get the tools for myself. And in that process, I healed really quickly because I was doing the inner work on myself. I was discovering my limiting beliefs. I was, you know, I wasn't just talking to somebody about my pain now I was actually facing my shadow side. Who am I? That was my biggest question. Who the hell are you? Because remember when I met 16, I was a child, got married at 19, going on. Well, 20, going on 21. Really got married, had our kids. I remember my mother saying to me, you're not going to get a 21st wedding. Ah. 21st birthday present. Because you got a ma. You got a wedding. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Oh, mom. >> Denise Dielwart: Hi, mom. Really? So that was my life. We just. Yeah, we just went through life and in that process, grew up as one. I was a mother, I was his wife. Now all of a sudden, who am I? >> Lyndsay Soprano: Like an identity crisis. >> Denise Dielwart: Total identity crisis. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah. >> Denise Dielwart: I'm not that 16 year old girl anymore. I'm not a wife anymore. And I'm not even really a mother anymore because my kids have moved out. So I had nobody to nurture or to love or to mother or to go, you know, to distract me. So that was my biggest thing, you know, I remember smiling on the floor and saying, you don't even know who you are. You don't even know who you are. And that's where my inner journey began. And that's the fundamental beginnings of healing and growth, is we have to find out who we are. But to do that, we have to feel our pain. What is pain? Pain can be anything. It doesn't have to be physical >> Lyndsay Soprano: yes, the feeling of the pain. We do that often on this show, actually, every episode, is feeling the pain. And I, you know, that. I mean, that's one of the things that, for me with this show, is giving pain purpose. Right. Whatever that. What pain means to you, whatever that word means, defined by you. Not by me, not by Denise, by you. What is pain? Pain can be anything. It doesn't have to be the fact that I live in physical pain. It doesn't have to be the fact that I've. I've dealt with sexual assault and physical this and this and that and the other thing. All of that is pain. Pain. So pain is. Pain is pain. No matter which world you live in, whether you've lost a husband or gained a husband or whatever, gaining a husband is also painful, by the way, and some of us have definitely come to find out, especially when we have our identity and we're set in it. So there's a whole other battle there. but when we get to that place where it is time to face the pain of, it's a very scary place to be. To be open and to be vulnerable and to be raw and to be honest with yourself and to be honest with others about how you feel about something and how you don't know how to handle it. And us, women take on the world. We can handle it all. You know, I've got a freaking closet full of superwoman capes, you know, and they're all dirty and tarnished, and there's holes in them, and, I mean, they've just been through all of the things. So you ended up saying, enough is enough of the way that I'm grieving, because it's not working for me. It's not working for me. It's not working for my kids. My husband's in heaven going, what the hell, woman? M. come on. You know, and thinking about that, I can imagine you must be thinking, Martin's going, oh, come on, girl. You're better than this. You can do this. Don't drown yourself in wine. All of those conversations that you have with yourself. So you finally are you're done. So now what did you do? >> Denise Dielwart: So, I then became a, business coach because I wasn't ever going to work with people in grief, as you do and as the universe does and has its things. Every business that I worked in, whoever I was working with, the owner, the CEO, the director, whoever would say to me, you're so good at this stuff, Denise, why don't you help people in grief? Everyone would say that to me, you healed so amazingly. Why don't you help others? Been there, done that, bought the t shirt. I'm not interested at all. That was never my goal. Right. >> Lyndsay Soprano: I never thought I'd be in a wheelchair doing a podcast, but, you know, life happens. >> Denise Dielwart: It's like, hey, you know, so, yes, I then evolved and grew. And one morning I woke up and I went, okay, universe, you want me to work with people in grief? Show me. And that was the beginning of my journey. >> Lyndsay Soprano: I love it. Grief comes in many shapes, sizes and forms So you started to go with the flow? >> Denise Dielwart: I started to go with the flow, and then I sat down and I started journaling and writing. Okay, how did I heal myself? And you know, the funny thing is, in looking back, I didn't, I didn't go into the hows and whys and what's it gonna look like and what do I have to do? I had absolute trust that this is, this is, this is my calling. This is what I'm, This is what I have to do. This is what I need to do. I want to do it. I love it. And as I started getting clients and started growing myself, because you suddenly get a client that has something, it's like, oh my God, you joking? You know, finding out that their husband had another whole family in another country with children that they didn't know because he was, you know, and left them penniless. And you know, you sort of think, oh my God, how am I going to help you? But you do, because it's about healing self, it's about going within, releasing that trauma. Because grief is trauma. >> Denise Dielwart: And grief comes in many shapes, sizes and forms. You know, you can lose a child. I've just lost my little doggy now, little Sally. And it was, it was, it was, it was heartbreaking. It was like, oh, and the thing with loss of anything, anyone, is the emptiness and the loneliness. I don't have a dog running to the front door anymore, barking because somebody's rung the doorbell. You know, when I came home after my husband Ted passed away, I came home to an empty house. Thank goodness. At the time, I had a parrot which was his. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Oh, my God. >> Denise Dielwart: It was his bloody birdhouse. And the bird named the birds. The bird was called birds. It was what we call a pink and grey galah in Australia. Pink and grey. Big parrots, right? Yes. Martin loved them. We always had one as a pet. And just before he, just before he died or when he was in hospital, this, this new parrot arrived because we just ordered a new parrot. But so he never, ever met this bird. And he was in hospital and I said to him, what are we going to call this pink and grey goliath? And he said, I don't know. So then he went through names. No, it doesn't. Like then when he died, I looked at this parrot in the cage and I thought, you're just bird. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Come here, bird. >> Denise Dielwart: So he became bird. Just bird. >> Lyndsay Soprano: I'm dying. >> Denise Dielwart: I'd walk in and he'd go, hello. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Hello. >> Denise Dielwart: So at least I had a parrot saying hello to me. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Oh, my God. We cannot go down a parent parrot tangent right now. I have to curb the enthusiasm on the parent right now. Oh my God. Lindsay Graham developed the flow method to help people deal with grief How can we get into what you have now coined as, the flow method? Because I'd like to get into the methods and practice that you have been working on for yourself as well as how you're working with other people to help with their grief. >> Denise Dielwart: Absolutely. So I created the flow program. It's my program. It's my method because a reverse engineered how I, healed myself so quickly. So the first letter flow stands for feel, let go, overcome, and become whole. We have to feel so that we can let go. Because once we know what we're feeling and we're letting go, we can then start overcoming. Once we overcome whatever's been holding us back, we can then we then become a whole feeling person. Now I know that sounds so simplistic. Okay, well, I've just got to feel. I've just got to let go. I've just got to overcome and then I'll become whole. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Oh, woo woo. Denise, like, oh my gosh. >> Denise Dielwart: I know. it's just so easy. I'll go away and do that. Here is the problem. When we start feeling, if we don't have somebody pulling us through our shit, we're not going to feel it. Because we're going to shut down. And that's what we do as human beings, we shut down. Although when I feel that, it's too painful. So that builds. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah. Distance. I'm the queen of putting distance out. I separate. I go quiet. Don't talk to me. Don't bug me. I'm going to process this myself. And I end up digging myself, actually, deeper. Had I not just said, hey, this is what's actually going on with you. >> Denise Dielwart: And to put your hand up and say, I need help, right, but the right help. Talk therapy does not work. >> Lyndsay Soprano: You're the third guest today I've talked to that have said those words. It's my third episode today, so I'm in. All three of you said the same damn, thing. My therapist is gonna be like, shit, you're putting me out of business, Lyndsay. No, I'm not my guest star. >> Denise Dielwart: You know, for the initial stages when you need to just vomit over somebody, you need to just get it out. Yeah, but there comes a time when you go, now what? Now what the hell am I going to do for the rest of my life? You get to that crossroads. The mistake people make when they get to that crossroads, and I've seen it with clients over the years, you can imagine, is that they go, well, that therapist's not working for me anymore. I'll find another therapist, thinking that it's the therapist, not actually realizing that it's the model that doesn't work. They think, oh, it's the therapist. It's not the therapist. It's the model they are taught to follow. So that's a crossroads. Okay, I gotta do something different. Not find a different therapist, but do something different. And that's when you need to do the inner work. You need to start going with it. You need to start going, who am I? Let me start feeling. Now, feeling an emotion is, not just crying about it. It's not feeling sad. Because underneath all those emotions, there's hundreds of emotions beneath that, hundreds of triggers beneath that. What's triggering that feeling? What's triggering that emotion? Once you recognize that, now we can start letting that go, whatever it is. And it's different for everybody. You know, there's no cookie cutter where, you say, oh, well, I'm feeling. I'm feeling really sad. And then we dig down and go, oh, it's because of this and that and whatever. It's different for everybody because we've had different life experiences. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Sure. And they formed our opinion of how we're going to experience our life. I mean, you know, like, the earlier episode I was recording today, we were talking about things that drive us nuts and things that, while you're talking, I'm thinking about God. The guy was talking about, his name is John Graham. He's talking about anxiety and listing, writing down all the things that drive me insane. I'm like, I, don't have a week to write down all of the things that drive me insane and that cause me anxiety that tick me off. And then I thought, just while you're speaking, I get, like, totally butt hurt about, like, my sweetie not wiping off the counter when he cooks things. It's just like, you see the sponge? It's right there. Like, just do it. And then I think if he was gone, something happened to him, I would only want all of those crumbs on the counter. >> Denise Dielwart: Yes. >> Lyndsay Soprano: You know? So it's really. It's really looking at what's fucking important and what's not. >> Denise Dielwart: Totally 100%, 100%, you know? my husband snored. Oh, my God, Martin snored. Jesus, he snored. >> Lyndsay Soprano: And, boy, how much you missed the snoring. >> Denise Dielwart: How much I missed the snoring. That was the first thing. It was like, the bedroom. Silent, isn't it? >> Lyndsay Soprano: Like your white. Your white noise, you know, that, jab. Grief can be positive and negative, right? It's energy in motion I missed the jab. I'm not snoring. What do you mean? I'm not snoring. I'm like, oh, my God, I have you on video. Okay. I will shame you. So I was raised. >> Denise Dielwart: So, it's those things that you miss, and we don't factor that into grief and to loss, right? >> Lyndsay Soprano: So we're feeling these emotions, and that's. That's a. It's not like, oh, I'm boohoo sad. It's. It's actually like feeling emotion is energy in motion, right? So it can be positive and negative. It doesn't have. Like you said, it doesn't have to be some. You don't be a sabathon. You don't. You could be super crazy manic and beverage, as high on life as possible when you're actually doing some grieving. Because that might be how you're grieving. That might be how you're feeling emotions. Because we all do it differently. Very differently. >> Denise Dielwart: and then the cookie cutter comes out when everybody says, but you should be crying. Why? Some people just don't naturally cry. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Right? >> Denise Dielwart: I don't sob. I'm not a sober myself. You know, even now, when little Sally passed away, my grandson, he cried and he was sobbing and he said, granny, it's okay if you cry. You need to cry. And, I mean, I felt the grief, but I didn't actually sob because that's not. That's not who I am. But we need to embrace that. I'm still feeling the pain. Doesn't mean I'm not feeling the pain. >> Lyndsay Soprano: So after we're feeling our emotions, you move into the l part of it, of letting go of them. >> Denise Dielwart: Yeah. Now you know. Okay, this is the emotion I'm feeling. Now I need to let go of that emotion. Now we start digging deeper into that emotion. It's all very well to say I'm feeling common. One is I'm feeling. I'm feeling abandoned. Okay. Now, to get to that. That stage, we've done a bit of work we've gone through, okay? They feelings, abandonment. Okay? Then the guilt comes in because they didn't intend to abandon the whole story. Then it's all the story. So we're uncovering all of that. Then we can start letting go of those stories. The abandonment, all those issues that you're having. That's another deep dive into there again. Now, this is work we can't do on our own. Why can we not do it on our own? because we come up against ourselves, our beliefs. I'm okay. I'll be fine. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Well, fine is a woman's word. We've refined that word. I'm fine. >> Denise Dielwart: I'm okay. >> Lyndsay Soprano: And all men know what that means. Means we're not. >> Denise Dielwart: Exactly. Exactly right. So it's a case of helping you and pull you through that. I'm okay. I'm fine. Removing your armor, removing your mask, becoming vulnerable, that's in the letting go. So it's only then that you can go, okay. Oh, I've let go. you start feeling lighter. You start realizing that, oh, my goodness, this has been with me all my life. because grief puts a magnifying glass over your life. Suddenly it's like, oh, my goodness. Now we can start overcoming. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Well, yeah. Cause it dredges up all these other things that I've been living with inside you that you haven't even broached, that you've stuffed down, that you've pushed down, that you're like, I'll deal with that later. Oh, I don't need to feel that way, or I'm not supposed to feel that way, or I'm a woman, and I can't feel that way, and I can't behave that way. I mean, it goes on and on. Our, culture has put us into this space where we look great on instagram, and then when we go home, we stuff all of our junk into a glass of wine. I mean, really, what it comes down to is safety. Because from. At least from my perspective. I mean, sharing and being raw and doing the things that you're doing with women and men alike. Denise says letting go of grief means redefining who you are But I know that you work more with women, but when you're talking about letting go, that's letting go of, potentially who you are. And I think for me, that's something that's very scary and dealing with anxiety and dealing with loss and dealing with some of the things that I've been broaching on this show for many years now is I've been afraid to share my stories because I didn't want to be judged or I didn't want people to be all boo hoo. Or, you know, whatever it is and identifying those feelings and understanding where that I'm grieving myself as a little child from some of the things that happened to me right now. So when you're working with people in grief, you're not just talking about somebody that's just a widow. You're talking about people just as a whole. That grief, because we all have grief that we need to flow through and get out of our bods. I mean, we have to because it's making us sick. >> Denise Dielwart: We live with grief. We all live with grief. Twenty four seven. And it is making us sick. You know, we talk about pre Covid and post Covid. It's two different worlds. We're grieving the loss of the world we had before this grief. There's a lot of grief and grief is lost, but it's so misunderstood. It's like, just get over it. You'll be fine. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah, you're fine. Move on. >> Denise Dielwart: You know, a huge block for me was, to soldier on. My mother always used to say to me, just soldier on, Denise. Just soldier on. So when Martin died, I just soldiered on. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Well, push through the pain. Push through the pain. >> Denise Dielwart: Push through the pain. I've got the kids. I've got the grandkids. It's not about me. They've lost a dad. I'll be fine. And so many. All ladies do that. I wouldn't say so many. We all do that because we are, the nurturers. That's what we do. We take care of everybody else, you know, before ourselves. >> Lyndsay Soprano: We sure do. >> Denise Dielwart: Even the dog. I mean, the dog comes before us if we've got no money to eat. We feed the dog before we feed ourselves. >> Lyndsay Soprano: 100%. Everybody knows what my dogs look like. They are adorable. I'm for sure feeding them before my sweetie, that's for sure. So now we're starting to let go, right? And we're getting to this point of letting go. And now we've got to overcome that. Yeah, we got to overcome this. Like, now we felt all this, now we're letting go, and now we're feeling, like, almost vulnerable, where there's a certain aspect of our identities that we've lost. We're rediscovering ourselves. We're having to reinvent ourselves, and having to kind of have a love affair with ourselves that we haven't had for a very long time, if ever. Not a lot of us have ever had a love affair with ourselves. >> Denise Dielwart: Yeah. Yeah. And that's where this is. That. That's the beautiful sweet spot. Because now you can start reimagining your new life. You've got the pen in your hand. You're not writing another chapter in your book. You know everybody. So it's a new chapter. No, it's a whole new book. >> Lyndsay Soprano: New book. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. I hate that chapter. >> Denise Dielwart: Yeah, chapter closed when you lost that person. Now you close that book. Stop opening the fucking thing. Stop opening it up and reading it over and over again. And that. I know that sounds hard, but we. That is what brought you to where we are today. Stop opening it and reading it and rereading it and, oh, if only. I feel so guilty. That's where people get stuck. Am I allowed to laugh? Am I moving forward too quickly? What, being. Being afraid of being judged? >> Lyndsay Soprano: Why aren't you still wearing black? >> Denise Dielwart: I, know. >> Lyndsay Soprano: why did you not everybody better wear pink to my funeral. I can just tell you that much. I want a big ass party because this is a party and a half right here. >> Denise Dielwart: Yeah, absolutely. In western society, we're not taught to celebrate life. I know that we have the term celebration of life, but everybody's so sad at the celebration of life because we missed a celebrate their life. We had an amazing focus on their life, the life that you had. And that's part of the overcoming, is to focus. Swap your focus to not the moment that they died or the moment that you lost them or to the tragedy. Focus on the life you had together. There's a whole life before that moment in time. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah. How do we put ourselves first? We have to learn to love ourselves >> Denise Dielwart: Who do you want to be now? You've got an open book. Write your own story. Who do you want to be? If you're not happy with something, change it. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah, we have the power to do that. I mean, that's pretty awesome. Hello. No one's standing in the way but your damn self, you know? I mean, and I can speak to myself to that lindsey, you are standing in your own way. I am. I stand in my own way in many places in my life. Am I aware of them? Yes, I am. Am I working on them? Not as much as I should. In some places better and some areas not as much, because I am taking care of so many other people in my world. But now I've started to say I am at the top. I'm at the top. Everybody else is coming underneath me because I'm not good to any of these people. When I'm completely beaten down and broken down. >> Denise Dielwart: It is such, you know, the cliche is give from. You can't give from an empty cup, right? everybody says, I say, overfill your cup and give from the overflow. So your cup is always full. >> Lyndsay Soprano: The spillover goes to you. >> Denise Dielwart: Yeah. Yeah. >> Lyndsay Soprano: I like that a lot. >> Denise Dielwart: Always replenishing you. Always. But to do that, we have to put ourselves first. How do we put ourselves first? We have to learn to love ourselves. >> Lyndsay Soprano: And it's harder than it sounds. >> Denise Dielwart: Oh, you know, your face, it is, it is so hard to put ourselves first because we've never done it before. It's not something that comes naturally. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah. It's certainly not an, it's not innate in me to take care of myself. It's innate for me to take care of everybody else. >> Denise Dielwart: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. How many people do you know have separated after the loss of a child So when we, we lose a loved one, like a mother that loses a child, for example. If that mother falls apart, what happens to that family? How many people do you know that have got divorced, have separated after the loss of a child? Why is that? Because of the family dynamics has changed. The mothers grieving the way she grieves, the fathers grieving the way hes grieving. And the children are grieving the way theyre grieving. But in between all of that, theyve been given this information on how they should grieve, what should happen. The mother's trying to keep herself together, but she's giving from a cup that's not even empty. It's just not even there. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah, there's no cup. >> Denise Dielwart: There's no cup. >> Lyndsay Soprano: I am cupless. Where is my waitress? >> Denise Dielwart: You know? And then the parents start arguing because, the dad might be, and I've seen it so often, just throwing himself into work, keeping himself busy, working late nights. Mum is at home thinking he doesn't love me anymore because he's not home. >> Lyndsay Soprano: With me or is having an affair or. Yeah. Ah. Goes on and on. >> Denise Dielwart: All that story goes on and on and on and on until eventually they split. The family splits the kids. Some kids get into drugs. Some kids, you know, they go off the rails, because that whole family unit is completely changed. So healing grief. And this is my message to everybody. Do it as quickly as possible. Don't wait for time. Everybody says it's okay. Wait for time. Don't do anything in the first year. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Time will heal. >> Denise Dielwart: Time, heals all. Oh, my darling. Time heals all. It's okay. You're exactly where you're meant to be right now. Bullshit. You're not. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Bullshit is right. Yeah. >> Denise Dielwart: You are choosing not to take action in your own life. And I know it's tough. I mean, I've been there. I've, been there. I know what it's like. But I also know what's on the other side. There's joy, there's hope, there's laughter, there's. You know, there's life. It's not about that loss or about anything or feeling guilty. It's about embracing that love, embracing life, embracing laughter, embracing you. The new YouTube. And that's why I talk about my previous life. I had one of my clients say to me, Denise, if Martin came back knocking at the door, you know, would you be happy to see him? I said, no, no, I'm not in the same room. >> Lyndsay Soprano: I'm shooing out the pool. Boy Pedro out of the back door is what I'm doing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the phone, Martin. >> Denise Dielwart: Because I've changed. I've grown. I'm, not that woman anymore. Oh. >> Lyndsay Soprano: It was almost kind of. That's kind of sad, but also joyful at the same time, because that's a good question. Like, if somebody came back, that I lost a boyfriend many, many years ago in a car accident, and he had been part of my life for a very, very long time. And, like, I mourned that hard and grieved that hard because he was such a. He was such a part of my youth as well as into, like, my college years and into my early adulthood years. He was just kind of there, in and out and what have you. I grieved that pretty hard. And if he came back, I'd be like, m m m don't even think about it. Like, I don't even know. It wasn't my husband, and it wasn't as big of a thing as yours, as long as a relationship. We'd have children or anything like that. But still, it's like when there's. I couldn't even imagine that. Like, all of a sudden, the ghost of Christmas past comes in and you're like, whoa. >> Denise Dielwart: Yeah. You know, I mean, I I would still love him and everything else, but we wouldn't be where we were. Where you can't pick up where you left off. >> Lyndsay Soprano: No. No. That would be so weird and so interesting. Can we do this? Martin, if you're listening, we'd like to do an experiment. >> Denise Dielwart: And I don't think he would want who I've become. Not saying that I've become this horrible person. No, you know what I'm saying? It's with change, people. I'm changed. I've changed. I've grown. I, found me. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah. So you start end up coming into becoming your whole self, this self that you didn't necessarily even know that you weren't. Finding your identity through all of this has been so good for you I think that's what's so interesting. And it's like I didn't even know that I was as empty as I was or that I wasn't whole or that I wasn't truly happy or, like, you name it, in going through any kind. Yes. >> Denise Dielwart: I didn't know. >> Lyndsay Soprano: I am the queen of it. >> Denise Dielwart: I, was that I would do anything to keep the stage. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Anything. >> Denise Dielwart: Anything. No matter what it was, I would. I just didn't want that boat to rock. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah, for sure. >> Denise Dielwart: And it's funny because after Martin died, my kids thought that mum was just going to carry on as herself. And of course, I was doing all the scrolling, and I was. Was learning, and I was finding me, and I was enjoying my life, and I was going out, and I was meeting new people. I just started traveling. I started. I started doing me. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah. >> Denise Dielwart: And my daughter said to me, she said, you're never home anymore, mum. And I said, yeah, I know. I said, because I'm living my life. I have a life. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah, I love that. >> Denise Dielwart: So for a lot of. A lot of people, they. And a lot of women, we think, oh, we take that. Oh, I am never home. Maybe I should be home more for my kids. No, your kids need to see the change in you. They need to see, wow, look how mum's grown. Mom's her own person now. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Mom isn't kids. Mom isn't dad. Mom isn't dogs. Mom isn't cats. Mom is mom. Actually, mom is Denise. I am Denise. You know, I am not all of these other people, even though I am. I think finding your identity throughout all of this has been so good for you. >> Denise Dielwart: And just a very quick note on that is that we live our lives according to our role, the role that we play. So we play the mum role. We play the granny. Role. We play the wife role, but that's not who we are. >> Lyndsay Soprano: We allow it to take over who we are, though. And, that's something that I've had to step back and look at myself go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second. I'm all of these other. I'm, All of these people to all of these other people in my life, I'm like, who am I to me? Yeah, who am I to me in my life? I wake up for what reason, every morning? Is it for everybody else, or is it for me? And that's something that's taken a lot of work for me to even get where I am right now, because I'm not great at this yet. >> Denise Dielwart: So that is the hardest thing, to let go, is to embrace the self love. But the letting go is what's beneath that. What do we need to let go to become that person, to be able to rediscover, be able to reinvent our lives, to be able to become that new person? Because if we don't, we. Our body feels it. In every cell of our body, we manifest cancers, we manifest all sorts of diseases. And if you already got that, it's going to reoccur, because your cells react to the messages from. That's receiving from your brain. And if that is just sadness and heaviness and grief, your cells are going to react in the same way. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah, it's just like when you don't water a plant. I say this to my sweetie all the time. I'm like, you understand, if I don't put water in that basil plant, it's dead, right? So you should probably drink some water. If you don't feed your soul and you don't feed yourself, you're going to die. I mean, in some way, shape or form, whichever, whatever that looks like, chronic illness, chronic disease, depression, anxiety, whatever, which way you look at it, we all have, our bot. This is it, guys. I mean, I believe in some of the woo woo side of world where I believe that I've had, like, 22 lives. That's why I'm so exhausted. But we, none of us really know. I'm sorry if you think you do, but you don't. Like, I have no idea what's going to happen when I die. I'm pretty sure I was Pocahontas in one life. I mean, who knows? but I think that one of the things that's most challenging for me and letting go is the fear of losing who I currently am. And that change, change isn't scary to me. I think change is awesome. I think everybody should embrace it. I'm a little scared that if I start relinquishing some control of the things that I always hold on to, like my anxiety, some sadness, some grief, some stuff that's happened, that if I let go of all of those, I'm not going to be Lyndsay anymore. And I just don't think that that's the case. That's me fighting with, you know, the Gemini in me, probably, but some of that is something that I deal with in dealing with some of the grief that I am. M just starting to unpack that's happened in my life. >> Denise Dielwart: But Lyndsay isn't anxiety. Anxiety is something that Lindsay's chosen. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Ugh. It was nice knowing you, Denise. It's been a great episode. >> Denise Dielwart: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But this is part of. >> Lyndsay Soprano: I know, I know. Anxiety is my coping mechanism for dealing with death and loss It's hard to hear. It's hard to hear. >> Denise Dielwart: Now, why do we choose anxiety? Because we think it keeps us safe. >> Lyndsay Soprano: And when you come from a life of where safety is a huge issue, yes. That, is where. That's my coping mechanism, is anxiety. I didn't know that, though, until I started this show. >> Denise Dielwart: Yeah, absolutely. And that's the work that I do with my clients, because the death and the loss of that person is never the issue. That's what brought you to. Brought you to the stage. >> Lyndsay Soprano: I love you. Not everybody's ready to move forward, Denise says So before we leave, because, my gosh, it's already been an hour. Holy woman. When you're talking about working with people, what is the best way for people to get in touch with you? >> Denise Dielwart: My website is the first port of call, and then, of course, I also have a, free 45 minutes coaching session, to see if we're a match, not everybody's ready to move forward. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Right. >> Denise Dielwart: And that's why we have the call. >> Lyndsay Soprano: That's nice of you to do that, as, like, you know, you're not quite ready for me yet. That's good. And that's good to hear, because I think a lot of people, I certainly know that I wasn't ready for a lot of the things that I'm doing now. Two years ago, I wasn't even remotely ready. >> Denise Dielwart: That's right. that's right. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah. >> Denise Dielwart: Whereas some people are. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah. >> Denise Dielwart: So, you know, I don't have a buy now. Click here. Pay by my program, because I work with people individually. So you get the program, which is an eight week program, but you get me as well. And I always say to my clients, if you don't like me. Too bad, because you've got me for the eight weeks. >> Lyndsay Soprano: How can we not love Denise? Give me a break. Well, tough love is tough. And I mean, it is tough. Love is tough. >> Denise Dielwart: We have to be tough. And that's that. That's where the change comes. If I pander to your, oh, my darling, you anxious today? I know, it's terrible. Don't, put your feet up and read a book. What's going to happen? But if I say to you, okay, let's draw a line in the sand, you're anxious. You know that you're choosing that. So what are you choosing? It's a whole different question. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah. >> Denise Dielwart: And you might think, oh, bitch, why are you asking me that? I didn't choose it. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Bitch, please. >> Denise Dielwart: I've, had a client say to me, it was a shock when you said to me, I'm choosing grief. >> Lyndsay Soprano: It was a shock to her because it was real. >> Denise Dielwart: yeah. So we choose everything. And then when she realized, oh, my God, we choose everything in our life. Everything is a choice of even if we choose not to do something, guess what? We've just chosen to do it. To take no action, to not do anything, not to heal, not to grow, not to. I am passionate about growing in life. And especially after big life events, we get these life events to change us, to help us grow, not to keep us in that event. >> Denise Dielwart: Well, sad what happens in a fire. You have your wildfires in the US. We have them here in Australia. They burn down houses, they destruct. It goes, you know, and then all of a sudden you see these little green shoots, but vivid green shoots coming through the destruction. That's nature. >> Lyndsay Soprano: I love that. We were talking about that before we started the episode about climate change We were talking about that before we started the episode about climate change and how some people don't believe in it. but we were talking about how, you know, stuff happens in our world and our earth in and of itself has gone to its demise multiple times. I mean, we've had the ice age guys, right? The earth comes back. And after those fires, there's actually, a show on Netflix that's, that's an animal planet kind of a thing. By M with Morgan Freeman is the narrator. And he goes through all of the points in our earth, millions and millions and millions of years ago, and goes back through all of it, showing the strength of and the beauty of how our entire world works together and how we're in it for a reason. And that our little spirits have an effect on our world because we were outward. If you are not a person that wants to be outward, like Denise, that wants to help others, that's like myself, who wants to help others and help our environment, help our world and help other people, you know, find a different show to listen to because I don't want you here. >> Denise Dielwart: And that's my people. My people want, to move forward because I've also now started the Academy of Transformation, and that's where I teach others to do what I do, help them learn, and they certify in the flow method and the flow program to pass it forward. >> Lyndsay Soprano: And I love that so much. And we can find you all over the place online. I'll put everything in show notes and in social media. The academy that she was just talking about is flowgriefacademy.com. she's on Insta, Facebook, YouTube, her website, flowgriefacademy.com. she's got a podcast as well called Grief Unlocked. She also has a group called your Life reimagined an inner circle. She's got all kinds of different courses that you can take. But again, we've got that 45 minutes introductory grief coaching session to see if you guys are a match with Denise. I mean, just spending time with you. I mean, you and I are a match made in heaven. But that was already decided before our 40. We can call this our 45 introduction grief coaching session. Am I a match? Because I'm crazy? Oh, my gosh. Is there anything you'd like to leave us with before we hit the dusty trail here? >> Denise Dielwart: The only thing I can say is that loss and grief is not a life sentence. We create our own life sentence. >> Lyndsay Soprano: Yeah. I love that because it is true. We're in charge, guys, nobody else. >> Denise Dielwart: 100% in charge. When we learn to accept the responsibility for our own lives and our own choices, it doesn't matter what's going on around you in the world. And, homeboy, we've discussed a bit of that as well. It makes no difference to what's going on around you because it's your inner world. Who am I being right now? What am I choosing? >> Lyndsay Soprano: And how are you portraying yourself out into the world? I mean, that's the, you know, totally put it out in the world, guys. I love it. This has been wonderful. Thank you so much for your time and, for being such a trooper with everything that you've been through. And you are definitely an inspiration to me and certainly, just hopefully every single listener here. And if not, then stop listening. I'm kidding. Keep listening. So, thank you so much again. It has been a pleasure. >> Denise Dielwart: Thank you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity. And, yeah, I look forward to helping. You know, if you can help one person, my job is done. >> Lyndsay Soprano: You got that right. That's how I feel with doing this show. That's for sure. You are exclusively invited to share this, create your own life sentence vip pain journey together. Let's get to the heart of how to heal with you by my side and Denise's side. Welcome to the Pain Guidance podcast. Do, uh, you live in chronic pain Do you know anybody that needs to hear this conversation today? I feel like there's got to be one or two of you out there. Do, you live in chronic pain? Are you dealing with any grief and loss? Please reach out to both of us. We are here to help. Welcome to the Pain Guidance podcast. That's what we're here for. Let's connect and hear your stories of strength and grit and to provide you a safe place to be vulnerable and honest while sharing your powerfully amazing stories. So if you haven't already, please follow the pain game podcast. Wherever you digest your podcast content, we will be there. Visit us@thepaingamepodcast.com and follow us on all the socials. Thanks for listening, my little vip's. Catch you on the other side.