Latest / SisterSmart Leadership / 26: What to Do When You Don't Feel Like You've Earned a Promotion (But Want One or Got One)

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26: What to Do When You Don't Feel Like You've Earned a Promotion (But Want One or Got One) · SisterSmart Leadership

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  received your promotion recently or even years ago, have you ever felt
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  like you didn't really deserve it?
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  This is a common feeling that leaders have, and thankfully there are ways to
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  are some things that you can do to feel more secure in the role that you have.
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  Like you really deserve to be there.
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  In this episode, we're going to talk about psychological hacks
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  that you can use to overcome this feeling of not being good enough.
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  This is something that almost every leader faces at some point in their career.
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  So you're going to want to stay with us for this entire episode.
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  While men certainly feel this way at times, the problem is bigger for women
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  and underrepresented groups because this feeling of being an imposter can
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  come from feeling like an outsider.
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  And women often have to raise their hand to be considered for leadership positions.
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  This can make them feel like they shouldn't have needed to do
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  that, especially when their male counterparts might be selected
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  without having to speak up at all.
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  I'm Jill Avey, a career success coach, and this is Sister Smart Leadership, the
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  show that explores how women can rise from director to vice president and beyond
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  by fully leaning into their feminine energy as their biggest advantage.
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  Let's get you one step closer to the recognition and promotion you deserve.
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  Sister smart.
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  Coach Sarah is here with me to discuss this important topic.
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  So thanks for joining me, Sarah.
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  no problem, Jill.
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  I'm excited to be here.
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  I think this is a great topic.
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  It's really a good one cause it hits almost everybody.
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  And one of the first things that I want to talk about is the upper limit problem.
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  The upper limit problem is a phenomenon where we hit what we might have
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  perceived in our own mind and our subconscious, this upper limit of how
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  happy or how successful we can be.
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  And sometimes I relate this to the fat set point that people
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  talk about in weight loss.
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  So you know how you're a certain weight, and then you get the flu and you lose 10
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  pounds, and then you bounce right back up to that weight that you were before,
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  because your body's used to being there.
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  Our bodies want to be in homeostasis that they call it.
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  We have These set points that we have where we're, it's
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  our comfort zone basically.
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  And so when we start to bump up against that ceiling of what we think we
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  can accomplish and how successful we think we can be, sometimes that upper
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  limit problem comes into play to start bringing us back down so that it's an ego
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  protection thing where it's our body's system of how we keep ourselves safe.
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  And so this upper limit problem is, something that you can see where
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  maybe you have a big presentation and you have a couple extra drinks that
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  night before because you're nervous and it kind of sabotages you because
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  maybe you're not your best self.
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  Maybe you're a little hung over even in the morning, or it can even happen where
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  your body you can have a health problem.
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  Like suddenly you get a cold or suddenly you get an illness and, one of our
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  clients actually got a extreme attack of carpal tunnel right when she was about
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  to start working on this big project that was really a stretch for her.
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  And it took her out of her job for two full weeks.
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  She couldn't do her job and they had to actually pass that job on.
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  to somebody else to start it.
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  And so she ended up missing out on that opportunity.
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  And when we talked about the upper limit problem, after that happened, she
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  could look back and see clearly that this is what was happening to her and
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  she, it was such a big aha for her.
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  So that was, it was kind of fun for her to see it happening so that she
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  can watch for that in the future.
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  So some of the things that we can do with upper limit problem is look
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  at some of the what might come up.
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  So one of the first feelings is feeling fundamentally flawed in some way.
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  This can come up of like I can't expand on my full creative genius because
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  there's something wrong with me.
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  and that can be particularly strong if you faced adversity as a kid.
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  This is some work that author and scholar Gay Hendricks is the
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  one that developed this whole idea of the upper limit problem.
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  And so he says that it happens because children have a smaller view of the world.
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  And so we start to create stories around what happens.
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  Let's say your parents got divorced.
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  It's likely that you would attribute that to there's something wrong with you
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  because we have this protection mechanism in our bodies from, a young age that we
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  want to protect the people around us.
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  We need to believe that our parents are perfect because we are 100 percent
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  vulnerable to them taking care of us.
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  And so we blame ourselves for the things that are going wrong or that
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  we don't understand when we're kids.
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  And so when we do this, these are subconscious beliefs
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  that we hold well into.
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  Adulthood, even through our entire adult lives until we start to really examine
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  them and start to flip them around.
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  The second feeling that you might have is like this disloyalty or abandonment.
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  And sometimes this feels like if I succeed, I'm going to leave the
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  people behind me, or I'm going to, be disloyal to my roots, or
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  it'll cause me to feel all alone.
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  And that can be tough for people who have risen up through income and class
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  status, particularly for immigrants or people from, more humble beginnings.
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  So sometimes family members might say Oh, aren't you too big for your britches?
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  Or do you think you're something special or something like that?
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  And it might really bring us down a notch and make us hesitant to be
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  able to, push into more success.
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  So the third hidden barrier is believing that more success brings a burden.
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  And so the old belief can be that expanding to your full capacity and
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  your success is just going to bring on a whole bunch of other problems.
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  you know, like money problems or one common thing that I have heard a lot
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  from our clients is they're worried that their husbands won't be happy
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  with them if they are more successful, particularly if they outshine their
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  husbands and become the breadwinner.
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  And that can be one that is a huge hidden belief.
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  And yet I challenge my clients to go and talk to their husbands and they've
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  had some wonderful conversations where their husbands are like, no, go for it.
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  I want you to be successful.
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  This is one where that can kind of have a grip on you.
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  And so you want to think about it's not going to be a bigger
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  burden than where you are now.
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  You'll be able to figure this out when you get there.
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  And so sometimes this can happen to the youngest child in the family they may feel
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  a burden for all kinds of reasons because the, the rest of the family is sort
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  of moving on and they're still little.
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  And that's one common place where Dr.
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  Hendricks has mentioned that.
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  And then the fourth and final one is hidden barrier number four.
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  So this is, the crime of outshining.
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  And so this is kind of, there's some ideas that, that people have is that I can't
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  expand to my full success because if I did, I would outshine, this could be the
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  husband or the family or your sister or whatever, this is common because women
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  are socialized to not outshine others.
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  And so this can be a real limit to us.
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  And one of the things that, that has been noticed is that if you're really
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  smart or pretty, that impact can be even greater because you may have had the
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  experience of continually pulling yourself back so that you can fit in better.
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  Thankfully, we also have a process that Hendrix gives us to use
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  worry as a cue that you might be reaching your upper limit.
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  And so one of the first things that you can start to challenge is if
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  you notice yourself worrying about something and then think about how
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  can I let go of these worry thoughts and shift your focus away from them
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  and then just wonder what positive new thing is trying to come into being.
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  Then you might get a body feeling when you start to wonder that and then you can kind
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  of use that body feeling to focus on that more deeply and then see if there's some
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  information there and try to feel it as deeply as you can for as long as you can.
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  And then Sometime later, it doesn't even have to come up right then, but
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  sometime later you might get this idea of what that positive thing
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  that was trying to come through.
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  And so that's a little overview of the upper limit problem.
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  It's one of my favorite topics.
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  And so I give you a little bit of background of where it might come from.
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  And then this little bit of a meditation that we could do if we start to feel
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  ourselves worrying about things.
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  The next thing that can really be impacting us, In this kind of
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  situation is imposter syndrome.
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  So I'd like to hand it over to you, Sarah, to cover that topic.
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  Great.
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  thanks Jill.
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  So I love how the upper limit problem aligns really well with imposter
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  syndrome and it, there's a lot of similarities and I also refer to imposter
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  syndrome as that inner critic, right?
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  And so it's those beliefs and feelings that.
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  We're not good enough.
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  We're not doing enough.
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  We start to feel a little bit like a fraud or phony in certain situations.
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  And we start to really doubt our abilities.
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  And I feel like this happens with men, but also, as you had mentioned,
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  as women, we're socialized to, find harmony and to collaborate.
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  And so when we start to perhaps shine a little bit more, that
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  imposter syndrome can come in and it causes, negative thought patterns.
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  And now these thought patterns, they want to keep us safe.
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  They want to keep us in our comfort zone, that homeostasis.
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  And so according to some of the work that we highlight in the Sister Smart
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  program are our Accomplice Saboteurs.
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  And we'll just start with the judge, for example and the judge, will notice that
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  thought pattern when it starts to judge ourselves, it's judging other people,
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  it's judging our circumstances, and so one thing that you had mentioned with
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  the upper limit problem that aligns really well with this is, self awareness.
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  So we've got to elevate our self awareness.
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  So we even notice that these thought patterns are coming in, right?
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  And so the judge will be like, why is she doing that?
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  Or why are you doing that?
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  So it creates a lot of negativity in our thought pattern.
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  And then the judge also has these accomplice saboteurs, like
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  for example, the stickler, the controller, or the Hyper Achiever.
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  So those are three Accomplice saboteurs we talk about deeper in our program,
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  but I'll just highlight them like for example the stickler wool It's a thought
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  pattern that wants us to be perfect Right.
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  We have to bring this perfectionism to the work that we do.
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  And we know that as human beings we have challenges.
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  And so we have to accept that our humanity is going to bring us challenges
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  in our work and we're going to run into speed bumps that we didn't expect.
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  And so, noticing when the stickler comes up, This isn't perfect enough.
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  This wasn't good enough.
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  So we'll hear those voices, right?
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  So we want to just heighten our self awareness to who is talking because that
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  will then lead to actions will lead to habits and behaviors that may not support
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  us ultimately and where we want to go.
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  and then I want to talk quickly about the Hyper Achiever,
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  it has an identity that's tying our work and what we're accomplishing and
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  doing to our identity, it causes us to look at failure, not as an opportunity,
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  but as something like that can be magnified even larger than life.
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  And so it.
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  Causes us not to be in flow.
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  So if we think about, the last few minutes of a basketball game, I
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  mean, I grew up playing basketball, I was on the basketball team.
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  And so if I was highly stressed at the end of the game and I needed to get that
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  last shot, I'm going to miss it if I'm listening to the Hyper Achiever, right?
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  Cause I'm not going to be in flow.
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  I'm not going to be enjoying the game and what I'm actually getting from the game.
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  So we do need to notice when we get into that mindset.
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  And then the controller, now the controller wants to hold
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  things close, do it all.
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  They may not delegate it because people may not be doing it right.
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  And we Think that we're going to get more from our team, but it actually
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  creates less of what we want as a leader.
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  you know, and this one shows up with a lot of people in leadership roles, because
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  it's we've got to learn to trust our team and that we can delegate with our
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  team because what will end up happening is our team will be more passive.
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  We'll lose influence.
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  And so it doesn't really create that environment of inspiration and innovation,
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  and so I know in our program we talk a lot, how do we get
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  out of imposter syndrome?
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  How do we get out of all the self doubt and listening to these saboteurs?
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  And what we do is we learn the principles of going from the saboteur
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  thought pattern into the sage.
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  So there's lots of tips, and I just want to leave you with a couple, well,
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  one is just knowing that What they're telling us is trying to keep us safe.
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  And as Jill mentioned, staying in homeostasis, staying
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  inside of your comfort zone.
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  Right.
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  And just knowing that there are gifts and opportunities when we
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  run into challenges and how can we.
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  Look at challenges like that gift and opportunity.
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  What are we learning from them?
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  That's one great reframe.
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  and also there's some meditation techniques and tactics that you
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  can bring into your busy day.
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  So that just really slows you down.
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  And so you can notice like, who am I listening to and why.
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  Why not listen to that more empowered creative, empathetic side, inside
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  of our mind and start to look at these maybe failure points
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  or challenges as more as gifts.
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  and opportunities inside of them to grow.
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  So by expanding our mindset and really being in a growth mindset and heightening
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  our self awareness really helps you to think differently about your role and some
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  of the challenges and also we don't need to listen to the lies that those saboteurs
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  are telling us because we're starting to push up against our next growth edge
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  and taking our role to the next limit.
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  And so these are some techniques and tactics that will help you
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  be more successful as you grow in your role and you're working with
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  more people and perhaps having, new projects that you've haven't felt
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  like you've experienced before.
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  One of the other tips that I would love to add in here is that one of the
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  things that helps me the most, I work with imposter syndrome a lot myself
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  personally, actually, and one of the things that helps me the most is to
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  think about who needs me to do this.
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  So who am I serving in the work that I do and kind of re aligning with the mission
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  of what I do and the vision of where I'm going and that can take me out of that
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  mode so quickly and quiet down those saboteurs in that inner critic voice.
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  So that's really helpful.
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  And then one of the things that we talk about in the program, a framework
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  that we use is called Crawl, Walk, Run.
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  And it's something that I learned from the Navy SEALs.
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  And so every time, if you feel a little paralyzed by the imposter, you can
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  Think about, okay, how can I crawl here?
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  And I got to tell you, that's gotten me through so many situations.
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  And when I was developing our toughening your skin module, I was interviewing a
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  woman who was a ultra marathoner And this is somebody who runs a hundred miles plus.
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  Races on a regular basis.
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  And so she would say, okay, what is this smallest step that I need to
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  take when she started to hit the wall?
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  And it just might be, having something to eat or having a drink or putting one more
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  step, one more foot in front of the other.
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  And so that kind of idea is really helpful because that momentum will really carry
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  you through and it gets you started and kind of gets you out of your head.
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  Yeah.
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  I love that Jill.
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  And one thing I want to add, you're reminding me of the David Goggins work.
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  He's also a Navy SEAL and he talks about every success you can go back to.
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  So being able to remember those past successes of crawling, walking,
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  running, and that's just going to build your capacity to take on more.
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  Oh, that's fantastic.
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  But something that women don't do quite enough is really
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  taking in their successes.
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  And it's one of the things that holds us back from having the confidence that we
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  could have, because we just, we tend to run onto the next thing and keep doing,
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  and not maybe enough time to reflect.
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  Yeah.
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  I love that.
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  you, Sarah, on this topic?
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  I guess to, just to pause and to notice when you're being hijacked is great.
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  So when you start to hear, the judge will be the first indicator.
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  And the judge will be judging yourself, others, and your circumstances.
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  So just know that's like the beginning.
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  And so it may be an opportunity to pause there and take if you have
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  some type of mindfulness practice.
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  I know we do a lot of work on mindfulness in our program, but to pause and
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  so you can redirect that thought pattern to something more creative and
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  innovative and perhaps empathetic be more in that sage part of your mind.
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  Fantastic.
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  Such a great point.
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  All right.
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  And so we always like to leave you with three shifts that you can make today.
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  So my first shift for you is to see if you can identify where you may have
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  experienced the upper limit in your life.
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  Can you think back to a time when you might've sabotaged yourself
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  before something important without realizing that you were doing that?
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  So that's your first shift.
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  And then the second one is to consider that.
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  that saboteurs contribute to imposter syndrome.
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  And do you feel any relation to the four saboteurs that Sarah was talking
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  about, the judge, the Hyper Achiever, the controller, or the stickler?
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  That's our perfectionist.
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  And yeah for that third shift, I would recommend we're so busy throughout the
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  day, but take time to pause You know Maybe it's in the morning before you get out
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  of your car before you log in the morning or when you're on your lunch Break, but
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  take a moment to pause who has been in control For the beginning of the day is
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  it one of our accomplice saboteurs, right?
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  Judging you, judging others, judging your circumstances, or is it the ideal leader
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  that you see yourself to be, someone who is connecting with others, empathizing,
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  understanding, reframing challenges.
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  And if you notice yourself being more on that side of the saboteur
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  thoughts, use that as an indicator to take some time to pause.
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  Do you have a mindfulness break?
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  And give yourself that opportunity to reframe because we'll notice them when
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  we're just feeling like that uncomfort.
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  So I would use that as the third shift to practice.
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  Beautiful.
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  That noticing piece is so important.
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  I'm so glad you added that.
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  So if you are watching this on YouTube, let us know in the comments which
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  of the things you can relate to.
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  And check out the downloads area for an outline that will give you
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  a cheat sheet for both things we talked about with the upper limit
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  problem and the imposter syndrome.
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  So you can jog your memory if you're feeling any of these
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  things throughout the day.
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  And if you want to dive deeper into women's leadership and how you can
• 18:21
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