Latest / Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse / Special guest, Dr. Lana Sneer: Set The Bone: Align Your Heart Before You Move On

Transcript

Special guest, Dr. Lana Sneer: Set The Bone: Align Your Heart Before You Move On · Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a major life transition pinching you?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know you may be asking, what's next?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: What's my purpose?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: What if?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because I've asked those two.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Start Your Comeback Podcast.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Tony Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I have a special guest today who is one of my favorite people on the planet.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Dr.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sneer is here today to talk to us about how to take care of ourselves and our children as we walk through divorce.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Dr.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Lana Sneer is a licensed psychologist, a licensed specialist in school psychology, and a board-certified professional Christian counselor.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: She's been working in the field of psychology for 35 years.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: She currently works as the middle school counselor at Legacy Christian Academy, and she has her own private practice in Prosper, Texas.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: She's been married for 35 years.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: She has four children and five grandchildren.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Dr.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Smear, thank you so much for being here today.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for inviting me.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm super excited to just be here and to share my heart with you and your listeners and go along on this journey with you.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'd love that you provide this format for people to, you know, have another place to seek, you know, help and guidance and services.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I love it.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I really, really appreciate that.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so um, we're just gonna jump in.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: I've been talking on the podcast about it being unofficially National Divorce Month.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And uh January is because most people wait for after the holidays.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: So the first question I have for you is is for someone who didn't plan on starting their year this way or in this place, what are some of the first emotional or practical priorities folks need to focus on so they don't, you know, spiral into a pit they can't get out of.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's a great question.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it's a question that really just kind of helps us to do what we always need to do when we're in the middle of a crisis.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: And this is a crisis, this is trauma.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're in crisis and trauma mode, there are so many things that are being thrown at you, so many things that are going on that sometimes we end up just swatting at different fires, right?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so, I mean, we're just doing everything we can to just keep our head above water.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think what's most important is to stay, take a step back and go, okay, what's the what is the one thing that I need to do first that will then empower me and equip me to face all the other things that are going to be coming at me?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so, and honestly, that is take care of yourself first and foremost.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: And when I say that, I'm talking about taking care of your mental health and and your emotional health immediately.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: That has to be the first thing that you jump into.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Look, I get what we want to do is, you know what, I'm gonna make sure I have the right attorney and I'm gonna call my bank and I'm gonna call my friend and I'm gonna, but I'm just gonna say, first and foremost, if you um don't get your heart and your mindset in the right place, then you aren't even prepared to to really deal with those other things.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you say to me, Hey, Lana, what's the most important thing someone to do?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: I would say, okay, you're gonna get yourself right emotionally.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: And that most importantly is gonna say the first phone call I make after I hit my knees and I pray to the Lord, um, then I step, stand up, and I say, okay, let me get counseling on board for myself.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because I need a safe place to go and work through all of this and talk through all this.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: You you've known me long enough, coach, that you know that I I talk about divorce or and loss in any situation and grief in particular, um, because divorce to me is grief and it fits the grief cycle and it follows the grief patterns.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so when we're talking about that, we're talking about some a situation where you're broken.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so you've heard me equate that to like broken bone.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, the important thing is like, you know, when we break, when we break a bone of any kind, the most important thing that we have to do is, you know, not call our coach to let them know, not call our our work our employee to let her know, um, not call our friends to tell them about it.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: Those come later.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: But what's most important is that we go to the the physician and get that bone set.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: So I get it set so that it heals properly.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: Now, going to the physician doesn't actually heal it, it starts the healing, it aligns the bone so that it heals properly and you can get back to life and work better.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: So that's always my, you know, first thing to anybody is you've gotta, you've gotta go get yourself set.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: And that's through the counseling.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: And if you are the primary caretaker of the child and you have children that are involved in this situation, then you even have to do that first for you and then follow up and do that for your children.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: They have to have that same support.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: So everybody in your home that's under your care, first you just like on an airplane, put your oxygen mask on.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: It sounds just about the twice, you know, and so that's what's most important because um, you know, like we're we're not gonna know how to swim in this tsunami, but we can put on a life jacket and keep ourselves afloat.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's what that counseling piece is like.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, seek the counseling first and then take, and through that process, you're gonna be able to take inventory of where you are, what are your resources emotionally and physically, um, who are your support system, who can you pull in, who do you need to put distance with, all of those things.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: But that's gonna happen in those counseling sessions.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's so true because uh it's the one thing, you know, as a coach, I mean, I can coach you, but I'm not a therapist.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: And there are just certain things I'm not qualified to speak into or to to do.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like I I I probably have said go to counseling on this podcast a million times because I say it all the time.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so thanks for backing me up there.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I and I don't say it because I am a counselor, I I say it because it is, I mean, that's that like I said, if you were sick or if you were hurt, I'd say go to the doctor.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's the right thing, that's the resource that you need.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so yes, definitely.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: You're you're preaching the right thing.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Go to go to the counselor, go to the counselor.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I really appreciate that because for me personally, I know counseling saved my life.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like it without it, I would not be where I am today.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm eternally grateful for my therapist and all that he's walked me through over these years.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: So thanks for saying that.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um wow, good stuff.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so what are maybe one or two, I mean, you may have a bunch, I don't know, but what are the most common mistakes that you see people make when they walk into your office in the early months, the early stages of divorce that actually like prolong the pain?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and how how can they avoid that?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Wait, this is a great question.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I think one of the things that's so good about this question is because what the what we do naturally as humans in situations like this actually leads us to make some very critical mistakes.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we're just responding in our natural um nature.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so when you get involved in a situation of any kind where there's trauma or there's tragedy, you're gonna do fight or flight, right?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's the natural inclination.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what we want to do in this situation.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: And so when people are are coming into my office and they're going through a divorce, they are either in fight or flight mode.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so you well, what does that look like?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: Well, fight is exactly what I what it is.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's fight.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: And they're in there and and they're angry and and have every right to be angry.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and and they want to fight.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: They want to fight with with this ex-spouse again.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: They want to fight, you know, with their attorney, they want to fight with that attorney.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: They are just ready to fight with anyone who will listen and line up toe-to-toe with them to do battle.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, it's a natural inclination.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: I've been hurt and I want to go after the one that hurt me or someone else.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: Now, look, I'm not gonna say that it's not okay to have that hurt and to have that anger, but if you are coming in and trying to stay in that place, you will not heal.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: But that's our that's our inclination and to say, I'm I've been hurt, what should I do?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: I should fight.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: So it's a natural, you don't believe that you're doing anything wrong because your belief is if someone's attacking me, I have to fight back.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: So it goes against what you think you should be doing.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm gonna say to you, no, this isn't a time to fight.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: Well, is it a time to flee?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's really the other.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: No, not particularly, because when we get into that flight mode, then what we're trying to do in regards to divorce is often, you know, I I'm gonna leave everything about that former life behind.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's cut and run.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: And so often when you get into that mode, um, you're leaving half of yourself behind, right?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're you're shaped by that relationship and by that marriage, or you work really hard to move on too fast.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: And that's where you see people that are often like, I'm gonna jump into another relationship, I'm gonna change my job, I'm gonna pack up and move across town or to another state.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: But they're just doing everything they can to flee from that life that they had.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: And again, that's a natural reaction.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's a natural response.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it can be healthy in some regards.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: But when we talk about divorce, and again, we're talking about divorce being grief, uh, healing and in regards to grief, then I would say, well, okay, what if I don't fight and if I don't flee, what am I supposed to do?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what I say to you, you're supposed to heal.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: So what yes, what I need when you come into the counseling session is that I am here to sit in it, to stay in this pain and in this hurt and to understand it and to grow and to heal.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: I need to develop who I am in this moment, not run from who I was, not fight against the people that are hurting me, but discover who I am now and begin the healing process.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: And that's hard to do because it's a it's hard to get your perspective and your mindset into that place.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's it's a moment to sit.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because it there's so many emotions that are running around in your head anyway, because you you feel like maybe you've not only have you let yourself down because you're in the middle of this, but there's a lot of guilt, there's a lot of shame that we don't process and handle well at all when we're in trauma.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, absolutely.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I think that's that's what's key.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: And you're so spot on that we begin to operate from that emotional place.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Again, that emotional place of of shame, uh, of guilt, um, you know, of hurt, of I'm right and I'm justified.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: And and if we're working in that place of emotion, then we're not taking the steps to heal, you know, and our emotions can't be trusted in these times, you know, because we're emotionally all over the place.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: You know, that doesn't not validate your emotions.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: Your emotions are real and and they're worth validating, but they're they're not the decision makers.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's where you go, okay, you know, because if we, coach, if we followed our feelings into regard to physical ailment, we would say, you know, I broke my bone, and if I go to the doctor, it's gonna hurt, so I'm not gonna go, you know, okay, well then that bone's never gonna get set, and then you're gonna walk around with half a bone sticking out of your arm for the rest of your life.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yes, I've I I hear you.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: It hurts, and it's gonna hurt when you go, but I need you to sit here while we set it and while we get it right, and while we walk through it.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think that probably is the biggest struggle that I see when people come into counseling, is just helping them to develop that mindset of what does it look like to move out of that hurt and move into that place of healing.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: And they have to actually be ready to do that.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: Some people want to stay in the anger and in the hurt and in the fighting space.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's like, no, we've got to get ready to move.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: So that that's probably one of the biggest mistakes.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I would say the other is assuming that you're that your kiddos are okay.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, and uh look, we we hear all all the time, and I I believe there's so much truth to this, that kids are resilient.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, yes, kids are resilient, humans are resilient by by nature.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: That's the way that that God created us.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: But being resilient doesn't mean that they don't experience trauma and thank you, hurt and that that trauma and hurt does not impact them deeply and impact them for a lifetime if again it is not addressed.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's you know, we can't look at our kids and go, well, they seem fine, they're still laughing with their friends, they're still hanging out.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't really affect them that much, or what I hear a lot is they're happier now because they're we're not fighting.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know, that's a very common comment that gets made.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Well, my kids are happier that we're split because now they don't have to hear the fighting.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, no, kids would rather be in a rusty, beat up boat that's still floating than to have the boat capsided and they're dumped, you know?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: And so anytime that they lose that foundation, their safety net of their family unit, they are impacted.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: Their hoping mechanism may be to act as if it's okay and to wear the mask that it's okay, but they are hurting.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so helping them to navigate that and putting the right people in place for them to navigate that is super, super, super important.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, giving them the permission to continue to have their own individual and a positive relationship with both parents is absolutely paramount.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: They are not divorcing.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: No, they're they're not.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's very, very true.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: And and they oftentimes what happens is we without knowing, uh listen, parents by nature have a heart for their kids and they really, really, really desire for their kids to be healthy.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: They just, you know, sometimes we just don't know what we don't know.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: I think that oftentimes we don't realize that in a divorce, our kids actually shift whatever role they had in the family unit.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: So if I had the role as the the firstborn, you know, or I was the athlete or I was the smart kid, when my family unit falls apart, then my role becomes something different.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: And oftentimes without anyone noticing it, they have to choose a row of ally.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: Who am I gonna align myself with?
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm I'm mom's ally, so I'm I'm dad's, you know, protagonist.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: Or um, am I the messenger?
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: Am I now the one that goes back and forth and sends messages between my parents um just so that I can make sure that everything's okay?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: Am I the peacemaker now?
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: I used to be the smart one, but now I'm the peacemaker because I have to do that to make sure everything is yeah, or I'm on a sounding board.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: When I'm at dad's, then I have to listen to him.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: So we have to be very intentional at making sure that our kids get to keep their individual roles because that's who they are, and not putting new roles on them because our family structure has changed so dramatically.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because let me ask you this question.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because what happens if we don't take care of our kids' needs right now, especially the counseling and and and keeping their roles because that's who God created them to be, if we leave those unaddressed, then by the time they get to, let's say, college, right?
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: And they go off to college and they're met with some other, and and not trauma necessarily, but something happens that triggers, then it could send them down a path because they don't know how to handle it or weren't equipped.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Do you find that to be true or have you seen that happen?
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, absolutely, because again, and I I don't want to beat a dead horse, but this just always makes sense for me.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm I'm a word picture person that if you break your arm and you don't set it, and so now the bones weren't lined up properly by the doctor right out of the get-go, the bone will heal, right?
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: It it will heal, but it'll heal crooked.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it will.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna heal however it got set, and so it'll heal crooked.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so, okay, well, what does that mean emotionally?
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: Well, whatever messages and and coping strategies that our kids put in place when they go through trauma, uh, the trauma of divorce in this situation, whatever coping mechanism they put in place, and that could be, you know what?
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: We we don't talk about things, we sweep it under the rug, or we choose sides, um, we don't learn conflict resolution.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um, men are bad, you know, relationships aren't worth it.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: That uh women are late, whatever the messaging is and the coping strategies that are developed, those become solidified.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: Now, does that mean they're solidified forever?
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: But to your point, if they're not addressed at some point, then they impact future relationships and future coping because now I've developed this habit.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_01: It worked in that situation.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: It might not have been healthy, but it worked.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: So I keep carrying it over.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_01: And then a new trauma comes up and I try to do the same thing, and somebody else comes along and says, that's not working.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's not healthy.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: That's not right.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: Or, you know, and then you realize, oh, I should have done that differently.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so it's like that's the importance of the counseling situation, because I'm going to help you get this set right so that we're seeing it in a healthy way, that we're processing it in a healthy way, and we're navigating it with positive coping strategies and a positive perspective because perspective is everything.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: So if you walk out of a relationship, either as you know, the the the divorcee or as the child, you pick up perspective about relationships based on how that divorce happened.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's exactly right.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's so good.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: We gotta make sure that that real perspective is a God-given, clear perspective that's healthy, not one that's damaging.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: Can you believe just how spot on Dr.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sneer is about the emotional pull and struggle that we have when we walk through something as trauma-induced as divorced, right?
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just want to encourage you to come back next week to finish this conversation that I have with Dr.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sneer because you won't want to miss it.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you next time.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't take it for granted that you're here.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't listen by mistake.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to reach out, you can DM me on Instagram at Tony Thrash.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: Until next week, remember, there's still time left on the clock.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: I want to give a special shout out to Country Club for the original music.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can find them on Instagram at Country Club.