Latest / Very Fine Friends / Bonus IMPROV - If I Wake Up Tomorrow Unchoked, I Will Thank You

Transcript

Bonus IMPROV - If I Wake Up Tomorrow Unchoked, I Will Thank You · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  welcome to very fine friends
• 0:18
  bonus improv super bonus oh super bonus
• 0:25
  So bouncy.
• 0:28
  It's bonusing.
• 0:30
  So juicy and bouncy.
• 0:32
  Joe, can we get a suggestion
• 0:34
  for a bonus?
• 0:36
  Your suggestion
• 0:38
  is gay grace.
• 0:40
  No. Just kidding.
• 0:42
  It's contrition.
• 0:44
  Contrition? Yep.
• 0:47
  That's the word.
• 0:51
  So
• 0:52
  can I tell you?
• 0:56
  Sorry.
• 0:59
  I actually have something to say
• 1:00
  and I don't know why I'm stumbling over it so much.
• 1:02
  It's okay.
• 1:03
  So,
• 1:04
  growing up Catholic,
• 1:05
  right?
• 1:06
  You have your first confession.
• 1:07
  Right.
• 1:08
  Was it in a nice box?
• 1:11
  The confession?
• 1:12
  Like in the movies
• 1:12
  how it's like a super nice box
• 1:14
  with like a really nice screen
• 1:15
  and a super hot priest
• 1:17
  in the next...
• 1:18
  No, no.
• 1:19
  Not that kind of a movie.
• 1:20
  Okay.
• 1:21
  No.
• 1:22
  it was a regular, uh, stop ruining this Francis. Um, okay. So I remember, so you're like eight
• 1:30
  years old when you get here. Um, so, right. So I was like eight years old. Um, and my younger
• 1:39
  brother, Jake would have been five. Um, and I'm sure that we didn't get along at the time. Um,
• 1:46
  but anyway, I don't even remember what I confessed, but like, like little kids first
• 1:49
  confession stuff is like hilarious it's like i i hit my brother or like i didn't clean my room or
• 1:58
  whatever like cute stuff like that but i remember thinking so i remember afterwards there was like
• 2:04
  a party at my parents house because there was like other kids like other families that had kids that
• 2:09
  also had their first confession um uh we had a party at the house and so then i remember being
• 2:16
  outside and there's like this wall like near the garage, like a little like half wall.
• 2:21
  It's probably like three feet up maybe.
• 2:24
  Um, and I was walking on top of the wall and then my brother, Jake wanted to get on the
• 2:27
  wall.
• 2:28
  Um, and he was like struggling to get up.
• 2:32
  So like I like reached down and I helped pick him up and I was like wow what a good person I am Like in my head I remember thinking I was like wow I really am filled with grace from being free from sin because I am helping Jake out
• 2:45
  And I have a distinct memory of thinking this
• 2:49
  and being like, man, yeah,
• 2:51
  like God's grace is really inside of me
• 2:53
  because I'm being nice to my brother.
• 2:55
  And I don't think that lasted very long.
• 2:57
  Also, I got a Game Boy from my grandparents
• 3:01
  as a confession gift.
• 3:03
  for your first confession for my first confession i had a game boy that lasted at uh 10 years
• 3:10
  because i broke when i was a freshman in college all because you confessed all because i confessed
• 3:15
  yeah hmm i don't know if i ever did that when i was you never had a confession i don't think so
• 3:23
  nothing is you went to a catholic school yeah nothing's no i didn't go to catholic school i
• 3:28
  I just went to a Catholic church.
• 3:31
  Got my communion.
• 3:33
  Oh, you would have had to have had confession before.
• 3:35
  Why don't I remember it?
• 3:36
  What happened in there?
• 3:38
  I don't know.
• 3:39
  Hmm.
• 3:41
  Gave me a fuzzy navel.
• 3:42
  Yeah, did you happen to give your confession to one of your dad's friends?
• 3:45
  It was in a van, a Catholic van.
• 3:47
  Was it in a nice van?
• 3:49
  Like in the movies, they always have like a nice van with like nice screens and panels.
• 3:52
  Yeah.
• 3:54
  Stop ruining this, Joe.
• 3:55
  There's no windows on the back of it.
• 3:58
  And now, improv.
• 4:06
  I just wanted to say you don't have to say thank you that I didn't hit you with my car.
• 4:14
  What?
• 4:15
  I just want to say, I'm sorry.
• 4:17
  I know you, we don't really know each other that well, but I saw you walking.
• 4:23
  And you kind of, you walked in front of my car as I was pulling into the mall parking lot.
• 4:28
  and i had the right of way it's a mall no you didn't you were very far from the crosswalk okay
• 4:34
  actually and um i went i i almost floored it and i didn't what and i wanted to just say you don't
• 4:41
  have to thank me for that you almost floored it i almost did but i didn't and you're welcome but
• 4:47
  you don't have to say thank you i'm not going to say thank you you just told me you almost floored
• 4:51
  it i i almost sicko what do you mean i didn't okay i am a good person that's what i wanted to
• 4:57
  say to you i absolutely disagree with that and i do think we know each other i know i've seen you
• 5:02
  at the store what's wrong with you nothing what's your name i
• 5:07
  jeze jezebella i writing that down okay well if you want it for my thank you card i telling you you not being thanked Why not I have a hard life I was on the phone just now And it could have been a lot harder
• 5:24
  You're welcome that it wasn't.
• 5:26
  Oh, okay.
• 5:27
  So you're saying that if I think about breaking your door down tonight and going up the stairs
• 5:32
  and choking you to death in your sleep, but I don't, you can thank me?
• 5:38
  Yes.
• 5:38
  If I wake up tomorrow unchoked, I will thank you.
• 5:42
  well we'll see about that won't we i i look forward to it and then you know i i would say
• 5:50
  don't i won't say this makes us even if you don't choke me but you know there's nothing to be you
• 5:56
  why are you driving so slow and following me while i'm walking still lemon pop poppy seed
• 6:02
  muffins if you're getting me a thank you gift i'm that's just if you're if you're gonna do that
• 6:06
  that's oh if i'm gonna do that yeah i like not crazy women that i see at the store well if i
• 6:11
  find one i'll try to send her your way okay uh women am i right uh you am i right i'm sorry i
• 6:19
  didn't catch your name and you know my name yeah okay okay yeah okay okay well i'm jezebella
• 6:30
  i know listen you've got problems you're welcome you're welcome for the rest of your life i i don't
• 6:38
  need that i don't want that okay i just i'm going to the mall you're nuts smell you later
• 6:44
  cut to 37 minutes later inside the mall
• 6:49
  i i was i was gonna give you a flat tire on your shoe you i was gonna give you a flat tire on your
• 6:58
  shoe i i could have i was walking behind you and i i was and i and a flat tire on my shoe yeah you
• 7:04
  know when you step on the back of somebody's shoe and it like your their foot pops out of it because
• 7:07
  you're holding their shoe down why would you do that because it because it's a really funny thing
• 7:11
  to do when you were walking right by the fountain where there was a lot of teens around and i thought
• 7:15
  it would be really funny because you would have looked really stupid but i didn't do it
• 7:18
  and the teens are now no longer they're not making fun of you and i just wanted to say you're welcome
• 7:24
  Oh, okay. Thank you. Hey, by the way, you're welcome. You're welcome. Because when you were on the escalator, I had this really distinct thought that maybe I could push you down to the floor and your hair could go in the escalator. And then you would rip it off and you'd be partially bald.
• 7:39
  Oh, well.
• 7:40
  For no reason at all.
• 7:42
  You're welcome.
• 7:43
  I actually look really good bald, so I would have been fine with that.
• 7:49
  So I'm not going to thank you for that.
• 7:51
  I'm sorry.
• 7:52
  Because that would have been at worst a lateral move for me But I remember when Britney Spears shaved her head and I did it with her in solidarity And I got nothing but compliments So actually I I forgive you for not doing that to me
• 8:09
  Oh, this bitch.
• 8:11
  Okay, look, I don't, I just, I just want you to know that I'm looking out for you, buddy.
• 8:23
  Okay?
• 8:25
  I can't handle this right now.
• 8:31
  I've had a lot on my plate.
• 8:32
  It's been not nice knowing you.
• 8:35
  I don't want to ever see you again.
• 8:37
  Cut to that night at church.
• 8:44
  What?
• 8:45
  Hi.
• 8:46
  Are you doing here?
• 8:47
  Hi.
• 8:49
  Jezebel?
• 8:52
  Jezebella.
• 8:53
  I...
• 8:54
  I was insulting you.
• 8:56
  Oh.
• 8:57
  Well...
• 8:58
  Too dumb to notice.
• 9:00
  Okay, well, not really, because there's something else I need.
• 9:05
  Okay, you're welcome.
• 9:06
  Thank you.
• 9:08
  No, no, no.
• 9:08
  No, no, this is...
• 9:10
  This is not a thank you situation.
• 9:13
  Oh.
• 9:15
  Okay, so...
• 9:16
  Okay.
• 9:17
  Okay.
• 9:18
  Okay.
• 9:18
  I was...
• 9:20
  I was thinking...
• 9:22
  that you are a fine looking gentleman and you probably have a fine looking wife.
• 9:28
  And I thought about seducing your wife.
• 9:31
  I thought about it.
• 9:34
  And I did it.
• 9:36
  I'm sorry.
• 9:37
  You slept with my wife?
• 9:38
  Yeah, I'm sorry.
• 9:40
  So I guess we're even now.
• 9:43
  You slept with my wife.
• 9:44
  Yeah.
• 9:46
  I thought about it and I did it.
• 9:48
  See?
• 9:48
  See?
• 9:49
  isn't it worse when I follow through on my thoughts
• 9:53
  than when I don't?
• 9:57
  So now do you want to thank me
• 9:59
  for not hitting you with my car?
• 10:01
  Or for not giving you a flat tire in front of those teens?
• 10:04
  Huh?
• 10:05
  Jezebella.
• 10:06
  Yeah?
• 10:07
  I just came to church for a quick prayer.
• 10:09
  We're sitting shiva tonight.
• 10:12
  She's dead.
• 10:14
  I didn't say I liked it.
• 10:19
  It's seen.