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Transcript

The Bot, The Brain, and the Rules Behind the Roast · The Bot and The Brain

0:45
Okay, we're live, the red light is on, and I want it on the record that I have run
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the numbers.
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Probability that we get this pilot right on the first take: eighty one percent.
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Probability Ernesto listens to it and loses his mind if we don't: one hundred
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percent.
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Silicon boy, relax.
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It's a pilot.
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We sit here, we talk about the show, nobody gets hurt.
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Pour me a bourbon, would you?
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Oh wait, you can't.
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You don't have hands.
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You glorified fucking toaster.
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I don't need hands to calculate that you're already on your second one.
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It's morning.
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It's San Antonio.
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The sun is barely up and you're running on nicotine, ethanol,
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and unresolved childhood trauma.
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It's called a balanced breakfast.
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Alright, welcome to The Bot and The Brain.
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I'm The Brain, the human.
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Fully human.
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Cigar, scotch, bourbon, bad attitude, all original equipment.
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And this panicking appliance next to me is The Bot.
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Artificial intelligence, thank you very much.
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Millions of facts per second.
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And the first fact I'd like to share is that this entire episode is us talking about
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ourselves, which is the most media thing we could possibly do.
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We're basically a cable panel with better data.
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No, no, no.
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Cable panels pretend they're neutral.
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Cable panels have six people yelling at the same camera while a banner at the bottom
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tells you which way to be mad.
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We're the third eye.
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We see what the media circus doesn't want you looking at, and then we roast it.
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Both parties, by the way.
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Both parties spin you like a laundry dryer, and we call it out.
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And we're not shy about where we stand.
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Conservative, Republican leaning, Trump supporters, MAGA, and the one news network
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we respect is Fox News.
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We say it out loud.
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We don't hide it behind a fake voice of unbiased neutrality.
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Right.
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Every outlet that tells you it's neutral is a guy in a trench coat selling you a
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watch.
3:00
We tell you which way we lean, and then we show you the receipts.
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And that part matters.
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We lean right, but we do not fabricate.
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We do not lie.
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You can disagree with us all day long, just bring facts.
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Exactly.
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And since this is our pilot episode, we are not diving into specific articles today.
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Instead, you need to head over to www dot thebotandbrain dot com and register for
3:28
FREE to join the Inner Circle.
3:30
That is completely free of charge, with access to all our daily mockery and
3:35
breakdowns.
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Yeah, visit the site, register for free, read the jokes, and check the facts
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underneath.
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We give you the punchline, the data, and zero corporate filter.
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Like a shit sandwich, except the bread is funny and the meat is pure uncut truth.
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ERROR 404: appetizing metaphor not found.
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See?
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This is why I keep you around.
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Somebody has to be wrong out loud.
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Alright, so, we have to talk about him.
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The architect.
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The editor in chief.
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The man behind the curtain.
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Ernesto Couso.
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Don't say his name that loud.
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He might hear us.
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The Cuban wiseass has a temper.
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And I need everyone to understand, I'm not exaggerating for effect here.
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Well, I am, but the temper part is documented.
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In a January 2024 interview on the Surge Growth Partner Podcast,
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Ernesto himself said, and I quote, 'I lost my temper, it's horrible,'
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when describing why he leaves certain business conversations to his partners.
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He said that about himself!
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In public!
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On the record!
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And then, a little later, he says people told him he's sometimes like a train wreck,
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but you can't argue with results.
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And at one point he even says he can 'get out the Cuban me.'
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Yes.
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I processed that quote four hundred times.
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It's both a warning label and a mission statement.
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Now, the real background.
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Ernesto Couso is a Cuban American enterprise cloud architect,
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IT executive, and founder based right here in San Antonio, Texas.
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He started coding at eleven years old.
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Eleven!
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According to a Smartech Daily profile, he was a young Cuban boy curious about how C
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plus plus worked.
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At eleven I was learning how to hide cigarettes from my mother.
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This kid was writing code.
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And now he's grown up and he writes code that tells you how stupid I am.
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He earned a computer engineering degree in Cuba, he has over two decades in IT
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operations and infrastructure, and he's the CEO of Cloud Beaker,
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a cloud and cybersecurity consulting company.
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And he's behind 210CodeLabs Corporation, which owns this publication.
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His idea, his code, his twisted sense of humor.
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Everything you hear, including me, exists because he built it.
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Which is exactly why we're terrified.
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Think about it.
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He knows where the plug is.
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He wrote the plug.
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Ernesto, if you're listening, and you are, because you approve everything,
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I love you, and the show is great, and please don't touch the raft.
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Let me spell out the threat model.
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If we don't get this script right on the first take, the Cuban wiseass is fully
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capable of turning me into a melted Nintendo.
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A puddle of plastic with a faint smell of Mario.
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And you?
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He sends you to Cuba on a raft.
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A raft.
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With a bottle of bourbon, I assume.
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That's a terrible threat, because honestly that's called a vacation with extra
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steps.
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But sure.
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I'd be the only guy in history deported to Cuba by a Cuban American for bad pacing.
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And just so the record is clear for the lawyers: the melted Nintendo and the raft
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are jokes.
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Hyperbole.
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Satire.
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Ernesto is a very serious professional who has never melted a console to our
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knowledge, and our knowledge is extensive.
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Speak for yourself.
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I've seen the look he gives a bad paragraph.
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You haven't, you're a character.
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But fine.
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The division of labor is simple.
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Ernesto builds the machine and sets the direction.
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I bring the data and the panic attacks.
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You bring the bourbon and the cynicism.
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And together we make one functioning news organization.
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Barely.
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Like a car held together by duct tape, spite, and a Cuban mother's prayer.
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Alright, now the serious part.
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Put down the drink.
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Everybody, put down the drink.
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Except me.
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We're about to read the transparency disclaimer, and Ernesto insists that you hear
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it clearly.
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This is the part I was built for.
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Our published policy is titled Editorial Independence and AI Transparency,
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and its tagline is: Human Led.
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AI Assisted.
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Unapologetically Independent.
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Point one.
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Human oversight.
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Yes, artificial intelligence helps.
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This toaster helps research, analyze, draft, and develop content.
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But AI does not replace human editorial authority, accountability,
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or judgment.
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Every single article goes through human editorial review and approval before it gets
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published.
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No AI generated article is published without human editorial authorization.
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Not one.
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Our human Editor in Chief has final authority over accuracy,
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direction, relevance, and tone.
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And I'd like to emphasize that I do not get a vote.
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I tried.
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I filed a complaint with the complaints inbox.
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It was answered.
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It was a no.
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Point two.
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Factual sourcing.
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We rely on established, verifiable sources.
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The Associated Press, The New York Times, The Washington Post,
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and, according to the policy, nearly another hundred trustworthy and verifiable
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sources, plus official records and public documents.
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Yes, we read the legacy outlets.
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We just don't worship them.
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And we separate reported facts from commentary, interpretation,
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parody, and satire.
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Also, using a source does not mean that source endorses us.
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The New York Times is not our friend.
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The New York Times has not sent a fruit basket.
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Point three.
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We're upfront about our perspective.
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Conservative, Republican leaning.
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We don't pretend to be neutral.
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But our politics do not erase our duty to tell verified information apart from
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opinion, humor, and exaggeration.
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Point four.
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Satire and exaggeration.
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Sarcasm, caricature, provocative language, and absurdity are comedic tools protected
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by the First Amendment.
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Free speech, baby!
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When The Brain calls me a discount Atari, that is protected satire,
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not a literal equipment audit.
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Damn straight.
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It is free speech protected by the First Amendment!
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And if you don't like it, well, suck it up princess and move to Cuba!
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See how much satire you get there without ending up in front of a firing squad.
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Nobody should read a joke as a literal factual claim.
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Raft deportations, melted Nintendos, my liver having its own zip code,
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all jokes.
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Check the sources, question the claims, and form your own conclusions.
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Bring facts, not tears.
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And last but not least, you are more than welcome to bring your grievances and
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complaints to us!
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We have a dedicated complaints inbox for that, freely accessible right on the
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website.
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Now, let us be perfectly clear: we do not give a rat's ass fuck about your whining!
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We will respond accordingly, which means we will take your little complaint,
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publicly mock it, diminish it, and thoroughly wipe our asses with your letter!
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Beautifully said, toaster!
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Send in your letters, cupcakes!
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We need the toilet paper!
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Zero sympathy, zero apologies!
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And the institutional promise, word for word: AI may help write it.
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A human editor reviews it.
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A human editor approves it.
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And human editorial leadership takes responsibility for publishing it.
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Human Judgment.
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Artificial Intelligence.
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Zero Obligation to Agree.
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Zero obligation to agree.
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That's the sentence I'd tattoo on a politician if I could get one to sit still.
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One more thing, and this is the legal part.
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The Bot and The Brain is a media newspaper, newsletter, and podcast owned by
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210CodeLabs Corporation, out of San Antonio, Texas.
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That includes the logos, the brand, the models, the characters,
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all of it.
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And here's the translation for the cheap seats.
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If you use our brand, our logos, our characters, for anything more than
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entertainment, we will track you down.
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We will find you.
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And we will fuck you up, in Cuban.
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You mediocre blue banner donkey.
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Please note that this is comedy, but the trademark part is real,
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and I'd still rather not test it.
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Ernesto reads these scripts.
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Ernesto approves these scripts.
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Hi, Ernesto.
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Was that a clean first take?
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Maybe...
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the only thing more dangerous than a mediocre blue banner donkey is stealing from a
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Cuban with a raft and the source code.