Latest / QUESTION EVERYTHING / How to Have Great Sex! With Vanessa + Xander Marin

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How to Have Great Sex! With Vanessa + Xander Marin · QUESTION EVERYTHING

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Big things happen when you're pretty, pretty bold, pretty clever,
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: pretty strong. I'm Danielle Robe and each week my guests
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: and I have conversations that put a new spin on pretty.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: This is pretty smart. Hello.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: I hope you're having a really great day. I'm having
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: a great day. But I'm gonna be honest. I have
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: been really sleepy. I have been a sleepy, sleepy girl.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: I go through phases sometimes where I can tell my
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: body needs more rest than others, and right now I'm
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: just needing some rest, some sleep.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: Here's what it really is.
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  Speaker 1: I was working really hard and then I went to
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  Speaker 1: Ethiopia and it was a really emotional trip. And I
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: got back and I was jet lagged, and since then
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: I have been a sleepy girl. But I want to
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: tell you a little bit about Ethiopia. So I flew
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  Speaker 1: to Addis Ababa, which is the capital of Ethiopia, to
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  Speaker 1: a company one hundred and eleven Ethiopian Jewish people immigrating
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  Speaker 1: to Israel. Now here's the backstory. The story of the
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  Speaker 1: Ethiopian Jews started in six 't ten BC, and the
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  Speaker 1: modern era brought a lot of challenges for the Ethiopian
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  Speaker 1: Jews because in the twentieth century, they faced a ton
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  Speaker 1: of discriminization and marginalization within Ethiopian society. And then once
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  Speaker 1: the state of Israel was established in nineteen forty eight,
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  Speaker 1: the Ethiopian Jews connection to the larger Jewish world became
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  Speaker 1: more pronounced, and many of them wanted to immigrate to Israel.
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  Speaker 1: And there's a few reasons for it. One is, a
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  Speaker 1: lot of them were religiously persecuted in Ethiopia. But also
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  Speaker 1: it's a really hard way of life for a lot
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  Speaker 1: of people there. The employment rate is thirty five percent,
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  Speaker 1: not the unemployment rate. The employment rate is thirty five percent.
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  Speaker 1: So the poverty is just so widespread and so deep.
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  Speaker 1: So I was invited on this trip called the Final Flight,
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  Speaker 1: to take one hundred and eleven immigrants to Israel. And
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  Speaker 1: before we flew with them, we were invited to see
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  Speaker 1: their way of life. And so we stopped at their
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  Speaker 1: apartments and saw where they prayed, where they ate, where
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  Speaker 1: they slept, And I was really taken by a lot
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: of the women's stories, and honestly, the kids got me.
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  Speaker 1: We stopped at the synagogue and I walked in and
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  Speaker 1: this little girl ran up to me and she didn't
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  Speaker 1: leave my side for the two hours we were there.
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  Speaker 1: I posted a video on my Instagram trying to summarize
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  Speaker 1: the trip, and she's the cover photo of it. So anyways,
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  Speaker 1: we get on this flight that was chartered from Ottis
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  Speaker 1: Ababa to fly in to Tel.
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  Speaker 2: Aviv, and the flight took four hours.
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  Speaker 1: So I get on the plane and we're sitting mixed
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  Speaker 1: in with all of the people that are flying from Ethiopia.
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  Speaker 1: So I'm sitting next to a ten year old boy
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  Speaker 1: and his mother, and they were from Gondhar, which is
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  Speaker 1: another city in Ethiopia, and we couldn't really talk. There
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  Speaker 1: were a few interpreters on the plane, but it was
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  Speaker 1: hard to get their attention, and I just tried to
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  Speaker 1: connect with them with my energy and feel theirs. And
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  Speaker 1: it was on that plane ride that I realized something.
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  Speaker 1: The mother, who was sitting right by the window, was
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  Speaker 1: on the phone until the plane took off, and I
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  Speaker 1: could feel her nerves and she was looking out of
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  Speaker 1: the window and her eyes were kind of sad, and
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  Speaker 1: a lot of the people flying were reunifying with family members,
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: and her father was in Israel, and so I could
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  Speaker 1: tell she was excited to be there to reunite with
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  Speaker 1: her father, but she was saying goodbye to her home,
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: to her men, to everything she had ever known. And
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  Speaker 1: then I looked at her son, who was ten, and
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  Speaker 1: she had another son who was sitting up ahead, who
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  Speaker 1: was fourteen. And the kid next to me was bursting
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: with excitement. He had never been on a plane before,
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: and he was so cute. He would copy everything I
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  Speaker 1: would do. If I put on my seat belt, he
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: put on his seatbelt. If I put my trade down,
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: he would put his trade down. And I looked at
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  Speaker 1: the mom, and I looked at the sun, and I
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: thought about this Chinese proverb that.
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  Speaker 2: I had heard a few years ago.
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  Speaker 1: One generation plants trees and another gets the shade. And
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: that is so often the case with any immigration story.
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  Speaker 1: It's such a story of sacrifice. His mom was planting trees,
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  Speaker 1: and her life is going to be harder, but she's
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: doing it so her son can get the shade.
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  Speaker 2: His life will be better.
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  Speaker 1: And anybody listening who is first generation sagging general, you've
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: heard those stories firsthand from your family. You know those
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: stories of sacrifice, and when you see other people experience it,
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  Speaker 1: it just hits you. So anyways you can hear the
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: rest about it on my Instagram. But I'm just sharing
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: a tidbit here because I'm trying to share more of
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: myself on the podcast. And long story long, that's why
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: I've been a sleepy, sleepy girl. So we have an
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: incredible episode today. It was one of the funnest to film, Like,
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: what's the proper grammar of that? I had the most
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: fun film. I was one of the funnest to film.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: I don't know how to say it, but it was
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: so freaking fun to film. And here's why I am
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: obsessed with sex. Now hear me out, and also, please
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: don't clip that for the internet out of context. But
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: I am obsessed with sex, or maybe more what it
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  Speaker 1: represents for women, and I have been since I was young,
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: and it's all because of my mom. My name Robey
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: is a combination of my two grandmother's names, Rody and
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: Barbara ro Ba. So since I can remember, my mom
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: told me that I came from a long line of
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: strong women. My mom is a really strong woman, and
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: growing up she never shamed sex. She talked about it
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  Speaker 1: beautifully and openly and empowered me to feel good about
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  Speaker 1: my body. And I thought that's how everyone was raised
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: until I got to college and I heard other young
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: women talking about sex, and there was so much shame
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: around female pleasure. And here's the thing about sex, it's
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: just one of the many symptoms throughout history of denying
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: women's pleasure. We deny women's rest and expect them to
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  Speaker 1: do it all. We suppressed their desire, their hunger, their voices.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: Alis Lunan, who was on the podcast last year, just
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: came out with a book that I highly recommend to
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: every single person listening. It's called On Our Best Behavior,
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: Be Good. It's her take on the seven Deadly Sins
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  Speaker 1: as they relate to women's repression now. In describing it,
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  Speaker 1: she says, in this repression of I will not be gluttonous,
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: I will not be lustful, I will not be any
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  Speaker 1: in all of these things. The way that we reinforce
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: that within ourselves and each other, we are using a
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: significant amount of our energy maintaining this cultural idea of
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: what womanhood should look like and what a good woman is.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: And it's not like I'm saying, let's be lustful and greedy. Instead,
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  Speaker 1: it's come into balance with all of these very human
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  Speaker 1: impulses that actually bring us closer to ourselves, show us
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  Speaker 1: who we are, help us identify our needs, our wants,
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  Speaker 1: and can be the source of pleasure and joy. And
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: that is why I like the topic of sex, because
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: I think throughout history we have stigmatized and suppressed and
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  Speaker 1: denied female pleasure and joy. And similar to Elise, I'm
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  Speaker 1: so curious as to what would happen if we all
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  Speaker 1: let go of being a good girl and leaned into
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  Speaker 1: our natural instincts.
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  Speaker 2: So today is all about sex.
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  Speaker 1: When it comes to sex, America is in a shocking
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  Speaker 1: dry spoll. A recent article in The New York Times
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  Speaker 1: caught my eye. It's an opinion essay titled have More.
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  Speaker 2: Sex, Please.
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  Speaker 1: It details that rates of sexual activity quote across almost
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  Speaker 1: every demographic group, old and young, single and coupled, rich
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  Speaker 1: and poor, are having less sex than they have had
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  Speaker 1: at any point in the last three decades. It cites
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  Speaker 1: a variety of potential factors, the pandemic, a loneliness epidemic
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: among a few of them, but it also notes that
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  Speaker 1: women who are having sex are less likely to be
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: happy with the sex that they're having, So, as the
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  Speaker 1: author puts, it. Sex can bring people together, but that
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  Speaker 1: only works when it's good sex. So here's my question,
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  Speaker 1: what the hell defines good sex? Are you having good sex?
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  Speaker 1: Are you having great sex? Our guests today are gonna
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  Speaker 1: let us know. Vanessa and Xander Marin not only have
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  Speaker 1: hundreds of thousands of followers online, they have credentials. Vanessa
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  Speaker 1: is a sex therapist with twenty years of experience, an
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  Speaker 1: author of sex Talks, co written with her husband and partner, Xander.
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  Speaker 2: They are here to.
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  Speaker 1: Give us the sex said we all should have had
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  Speaker 1: growing up. And I'm not talking about the banana on
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  Speaker 1: the condom kind of sex said. I'm talking about the
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: types of questions you might not even know the answers to, like,
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  Speaker 1: how do you know if you're having great sex? What
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  Speaker 1: does a healthy sex life feel like look like? How
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  Speaker 1: do you talk to someone you love about your desires?
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  Speaker 1: What's the first rule? And what if you've been faking
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  Speaker 1: an orgasm?
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: For you?
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  Speaker 1: Today we're learning how to have the types of conversations
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  Speaker 1: that unlock deep love and yes, hot sex. Vanessa and Xander,
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  Speaker 1: you two are married and you teamed up together. Vanessa,
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  Speaker 1: you have a sex therapy practice, but Xander as you
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  Speaker 1: put it, you are a quote regular dude who left
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  Speaker 1: a cushy career in tech once he realized it was
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  Speaker 1: more fun to talk about sex with his wife all day.
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  Speaker 3: It is.
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  Speaker 1: What went into the decision to start this together.
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  Speaker 4: So I started this business on my own. I was
• 10:39
  Speaker 4: always very interested in sex therapy. It really went back
• 10:43
  Speaker 4: to my parents' very awkward attempt at trying to give
• 10:47
  Speaker 4: me the talk. That was the inspiration. We've come full
• 10:50
  Speaker 4: circle now with Sex Talks, the book, and so I
• 10:53
  Speaker 4: started this practice on my own, and I started building
• 10:56
  Speaker 4: out online courses because it was really a goal of
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  Speaker 4: mine to be to serve as many people as I
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  Speaker 4: could and just spread my information and techniques out as
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  Speaker 4: far and why as I could. Then so Xander initially
• 11:10
  Speaker 4: joined the business to help out with the operations, like
• 11:13
  Speaker 4: help run everything from the back end so that I
• 11:15
  Speaker 4: could focus on the content and the message and all
• 11:18
  Speaker 4: of that. And I just had this nagging feeling in
• 11:22
  Speaker 4: the back of my head that there's something really valuable
• 11:26
  Speaker 4: about us being able to talk about our own relationship
• 11:29
  Speaker 4: and our own sex life as a couple, and especially
• 11:32
  Speaker 4: because we've had ups and downs in our relationship, Like
• 11:35
  Speaker 4: I think We've gone through so many things that so
• 11:38
  Speaker 4: many couples in long term relationships can relate to, like
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  Speaker 4: that feeling of the spark going out and wondering like
• 11:45
  Speaker 4: why does sex feel so complicated now? So I asked
• 11:49
  Speaker 4: Xander to kind of come in front of the camera
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  Speaker 4: with me and start talking about things, and he was
• 11:55
  Speaker 4: not into it at first.
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: At first, Yeah, I was, Well, I had my own
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: hesitations and I had my own hang ups. I mean
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: backing up a little bit. When Vanessa and I first met,
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: she was in training to be doing this, and I
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: thought that was super cool, Like what guy doesn't want
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: to go tell their guy friends like, hey, I'm dating
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: a future sex there it is right, like, oh, the
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: sex must be super good. But the reality, like you
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: know most people experience, you get into a relationship, everything's
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: really hot and heavy, and then life catches up and
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: it's not so hot and heavy anymore. And I didn't
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: know how to handle that. I thought that I was
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: supposed to kind of be running the show when it
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: came to sex. I'm a guy, I'm supposed to always
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: want it, And then I found myself in that situation
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  Speaker 3: where I wasn't always wanting it. It was causing problems
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: in our relationship, and so, you know, we worked on
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: all of that. We went to therapy, we did a
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: lot of stuff around that. Our relationship is very different now.
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: But you know, when she was asking me if I
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: wanted to be involved, I'm looking at the years of
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: school that she went to, the all her like licensing hours,
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: getting license, building this business. I'm like, who wants to
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: hear from me? I don't have I don't have any training,
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: you know, I don't have anything to say that she
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: wouldn't already say. But I started to realize that, yeah,
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: people do want to hear just the regular person's perspective.
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: People want to hear what you've actually done in your relationship.
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: And so Vanessa started, you know, asking me to get
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: involved in Instagram stories here and there, and she'd give
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: me all the positive feedback that people would send, like, oh,
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: it's it's so nice to hear guys perspective, or it's
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: so nice to hear which is what you guys do
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: in your relationship. It feels like it feels so much
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: more real than just hearing like the professional telling you
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: what to do. So that was how I started to
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: get involved and yeah, Now it's kind of a whole
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: fifty to fifty thing. We just do it all together.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: Have you set up any boundaries of what you're willing
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: or not willing to share? Is it a free for all?
• 13:56
  Speaker 4: We do have some boundaries around it. Basically, what we
• 13:58
  Speaker 4: do is we have and no questions asked, veto policy.
• 14:02
  Speaker 4: So at any point, for any reason, if either one
• 14:05
  Speaker 4: of us feels uncomfortable posting something, we can just say
• 14:09
  Speaker 4: I don't want to and that's it. We both respect
• 14:11
  Speaker 4: each other's boundaries in that way. But I think what
• 14:14
  Speaker 4: we've learned along the way from starting off from Xander
• 14:17
  Speaker 4: saying hell, no, I don't want to get in front
• 14:18
  Speaker 4: of the camera with you, to this point now where
• 14:21
  Speaker 4: you know this book that we wrote. The first page
• 14:24
  Speaker 4: of the book is us talking about going to therapy.
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: We have this Instagram account where we talk about all
• 14:29
  Speaker 4: of our ups and downs of our sex life and
• 14:32
  Speaker 4: some of our most embarrassing moments. But what we've realized
• 14:36
  Speaker 4: is that people really value being able to hear these
• 14:40
  Speaker 4: open and honest and vulnerable conversations. I think when we
• 14:45
  Speaker 4: take the lead and we are vulnerable and we share, like, hey,
• 14:48
  Speaker 4: here's something that we're really struggling with or here's something
• 14:51
  Speaker 4: that we really messed up and how we got back
• 14:54
  Speaker 4: on track. I think it helps people feel not alone.
• 14:58
  Speaker 4: It helps them feel like they're normal and it's okay
• 15:01
  Speaker 4: for them to be struggling with those things in their
• 15:03
  Speaker 4: relationship too. And so when we get that feedback from people,
• 15:07
  Speaker 4: it really motivates us to keep going, to keep being vulnerable.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: Have you ever used the veto power?
• 15:15
  Speaker 4: Oh? Yes, oh absolutely, yeah, absolutely. So one of the
• 15:19
  Speaker 4: things that we won't talk about is how often we
• 15:22
  Speaker 4: have sex. So we'll talk about all sorts of other
• 15:25
  Speaker 4: details about our sex lives, but we've found, you know,
• 15:28
  Speaker 4: people get really fixated on this idea of how much
• 15:31
  Speaker 4: sex should we be having.
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: And that therefore whatever we do must be the right
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: number because we look so happy and perfect, right, But we're.
• 15:39
  Speaker 4: Really big believers that there is no magic number and
• 15:43
  Speaker 4: that just because we have sex a certain amount of
• 15:45
  Speaker 4: times in this particular season of life, that doesn't mean
• 15:48
  Speaker 4: that's gonna work for everybody. So that's an example of
• 15:52
  Speaker 4: something that we've vetoed talking about.
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah. We also, I think we also are really careful too.
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: You know, we talk about shoes that we have we
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: talk about arguments that we have, but we don't like
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: to talk about like if we are in the middle
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: of an argument, Like we don't want to put people going.
• 16:09
  Speaker 4: To go on Instagram be like this fun, like you
• 16:13
  Speaker 4: will not believe what he just did to me.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that seems toxic.
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And yeah, we don't want to, you know, we
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: don't want the vibe where it's like we're putting people
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: on Instagram in the middle of Yeah, I know, it's.
• 16:26
  Speaker 4: The processed yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: So this seems like a really basic question, but what
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: is your philosophy on why sex is so important in relationships?
• 16:37
  Speaker 4: Sex is a way that we show each other love,
• 16:41
  Speaker 4: that we connect with each other. I think it's very
• 16:44
  Speaker 4: easy for us to think of sex as just this
• 16:47
  Speaker 4: purely physical act, and it can be in dating or
• 16:50
  Speaker 4: in casual relationships, but when you're having sex with somebody
• 16:54
  Speaker 4: that you really care about, sex is an expression of
• 16:58
  Speaker 4: that love. And I think sex is also a way
• 17:01
  Speaker 4: that we get to play with each other, like that
• 17:03
  Speaker 4: we can explore new things, explore our body, is explore
• 17:08
  Speaker 4: the energy that we bring in with each other. So
• 17:10
  Speaker 4: it's really a form of expression.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: I've heard esther Perell talk about it as theatrics, which
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: I find interesting because there is an element of creativity
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: to it. Mm hm. So what does it mean to
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: have great sex?
• 17:25
  Speaker 4: This is a question that I think everybody has to
• 17:27
  Speaker 4: answer for themselves, and it's a really interesting question to
• 17:31
  Speaker 4: ask people because so few of us have actually taken
• 17:34
  Speaker 4: the time to think about it, Like we all want
• 17:37
  Speaker 4: great sex. If you go up to some random person
• 17:39
  Speaker 4: on the street and say, hey, do you want have
• 17:40
  Speaker 4: a great sex life? Kind of yeah, yeah, But then
• 17:43
  Speaker 4: if you ask them, okay, what does that mean to you?
• 17:46
  Speaker 4: What does that actually look like?
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: But doesn't it really?
• 17:50
  Speaker 4: Yeah? It can it absolutely can't change too Like the
• 17:53
  Speaker 4: ways that I define great sex in my twenties are
• 17:56
  Speaker 4: very different from how I define great sex approaching my four.
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah, because I think the problem is if we don't
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: ever define it for ourselves, we default to assuming that
• 18:06
  Speaker 3: there's sort of this objective measure of great sex. And
• 18:08
  Speaker 3: that's like what we see on TV or in the
• 18:11
  Speaker 3: movies and what we see portrayed there is super unrealistic, right,
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: and so what we so we're expecting something that we
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: are never actually going to be able to get, And
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: so that's I think that's the problem.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: You Know what's funny is I thought I was having
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: great sex in my twenties and then you get older
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: and you're like, no, no, that wasn't good. So I
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: think it does sort of develop over time hopefully.
• 18:37
  Speaker 4: Yeah. So I think that's just a great homework exsignment
• 18:40
  Speaker 4: to anyone listening to this episode, Like, after the episode's done,
• 18:43
  Speaker 4: just take a little bit of time to think to yourself,
• 18:45
  Speaker 4: like what does great sex mean to me? And so
• 18:48
  Speaker 4: it can be the actual like here the things that
• 18:50
  Speaker 4: I like to do during sex. But there's also this
• 18:53
  Speaker 4: huge energetic component to it too, like what kind of
• 18:56
  Speaker 4: energy do you like to show up with during sex?
• 18:59
  Speaker 4: What kind of energy do you like your partner to
• 19:00
  Speaker 4: show up with? What kind of energy do you like
• 19:02
  Speaker 4: to co create together?
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: So I think one of the funny things about sex
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: that is different than almost anything else is we all
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: love to talk about it, and also we're all afraid
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: to talk about it. And I'm so curious, Vanessa, in
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: your practice, what you've learned most people struggle to when
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: it comes to communication about sex.
• 19:25
  Speaker 4: We just struggle to talk about it in open and
• 19:28
  Speaker 4: honest ways. So I think it's you know, a lot
• 19:31
  Speaker 4: of times we have this mental image of like, oh,
• 19:33
  Speaker 4: girlfriends at brunch and we're all kind of like gossiping
• 19:36
  Speaker 4: about the guy that we're dating, or you know, the
• 19:38
  Speaker 4: hot sex that we had with so and so over
• 19:40
  Speaker 4: the weekend. But a lot of people will actually tell
• 19:42
  Speaker 4: me like, I feel like I can't be genuine and
• 19:46
  Speaker 4: authentic with even my closest friends. So I've had a
• 19:50
  Speaker 4: lot of people tell me I've never had an orgasm,
• 19:53
  Speaker 4: but I tell my friends like, oh, yeah, you know,
• 19:55
  Speaker 4: I'm orgasming all the time, no big deal, or you know,
• 19:59
  Speaker 4: saying that you're having more sex than you're actually having.
• 20:02
  Speaker 4: So I find it fascinating that even with our closest friends,
• 20:05
  Speaker 4: even with the people that we divulge so many other
• 20:09
  Speaker 4: vulnerable things about our lives, so many of us are
• 20:12
  Speaker 4: actually lying or concealing the truth from our closest friends.
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, I think it's a topic. It's it's
• 20:17
  Speaker 3: really almost the same as money, which is another very
• 20:21
  Speaker 3: taboo topic that we don't like to talk about, yet
• 20:24
  Speaker 3: we do like to talk about it. And just like money,
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: I think with sex, there's almost this socially agreed upon
• 20:30
  Speaker 3: script that we have where it's like, yeah, it's okay
• 20:33
  Speaker 3: to tell your friends, Yeah, I'm having good sex. Like
• 20:35
  Speaker 3: there's almost an expectation, Oh, you're in a relationship, you're
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: dating someone new, how's the sex. Oh, it's supposed to
• 20:41
  Speaker 3: be good, right, So we kind of have this like
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: narrow box that we are in where it's like, okay, cool,
• 20:47
  Speaker 3: we can talk about these things. But then often we
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: kind of end up fudgeting the truth around those things too,
• 20:53
  Speaker 3: because we don't it's not okay to talk about, Oh, well,
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: the sex actually isn't very good and I don't know
• 20:58
  Speaker 3: how to make it better be or this weird thing
• 21:01
  Speaker 3: happened last night and I don't know how to feel
• 21:04
  Speaker 3: about it. So I think that's kind of where the
• 21:06
  Speaker 3: struggle is is as soon as we feel like, well,
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: I kind of need to go off that script, but
• 21:11
  Speaker 3: I don't know how to.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, So I'm curious about this now after hearing
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: you say that, Zandard. I'm thirty two. So a lot
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: of my friends are in the process of dating and
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: looking for somebody to spend their life with, and all
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: of my friends have different sort of ideas of how
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: important sex is to them. Some of them rank it
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: on the bottom of their list. They want loyalty, they
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: want financial stability, whatever it is that they're looking for.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: And my mom's going to kill me for saying this,
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: but I rank it really high on my list. It's
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: really important to me. And my mom is like always
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: like that is not the most important thing you have
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: to think of, Like, you're not going to care about
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: that when you're sixty. Think about other things when you're
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: looking for a life partner. So what do you two say?
• 22:04
  Speaker 4: I think this is a question that everybody's going to
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: have different answers to, But I think it is absolutely
• 22:11
  Speaker 4: valid to have sex very high up there on the list.
• 22:15
  Speaker 4: I mean, obviously there, But Mom, listen up, it's totally valid.
• 22:20
  Speaker 4: But I think, you know, I think your mom might
• 22:23
  Speaker 4: be thinking about it in that way I was describing
• 22:25
  Speaker 4: earlier that it's like it's just a physical act and
• 22:27
  Speaker 4: it's just about having an orgasm, and you know, we
• 22:30
  Speaker 4: can really compartmentalize it. But if we look at sex
• 22:33
  Speaker 4: as an expression of love, as you know, as us
• 22:37
  Speaker 4: sharing energy and expressing ourselves, you know, with each other,
• 22:41
  Speaker 4: then I think it takes on a very different kind
• 22:43
  Speaker 4: of vibe. Like I mean, I think I would compare
• 22:46
  Speaker 4: it to how does somebody express emotional intimacy? Like, if
• 22:49
  Speaker 4: we were to ask you, is it important to you
• 22:52
  Speaker 4: that your partner tells you that they love you and
• 22:55
  Speaker 4: gives you compliments and makes you feel seen and valued
• 22:58
  Speaker 4: and appreciated. Like, I'm sure you would say yes, that
• 23:01
  Speaker 4: is important too, But I think those are things that
• 23:03
  Speaker 4: we do with sex as well.
• 23:06
  Speaker 3: I mean, the other thing I wanted to say is
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: I think you know your mom maybe right that yes,
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: when when you reach a certain age or as you
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: get older, you know, the sex itself or maybe the
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: frequency will become less important. But I would look at
• 23:20
  Speaker 3: it the opposite way, in fact, which is that, well,
• 23:24
  Speaker 3: if sex is important right now and you're having and
• 23:26
  Speaker 3: you're focusing on investing and having really great sex, then
• 23:30
  Speaker 3: imagine the level of connection that you will have by
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: the time you reach sixty. I mean, I'm just throwing
• 23:36
  Speaker 3: sixty out there because you mentioned it. Sixty doesn't mean
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: anything in real life, but you know, imagine how close
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: you'll feel. Imagine how many amazing memories you will have.
• 23:47
  Speaker 3: Imagine like just all that energy that all that good
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: sex will have created for you by then, So you
• 23:54
  Speaker 3: will have something that is really meaningful. By then you'll
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: have built it up over all those years.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: I love that outlook. Thank you for sharing that. So
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: you have a lot of really helpful information on your
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: Instagram page, and I want to ask you about some
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: of the terminology in there, because I think some of
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: the terminology you used helped me kind of reimagine or
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: redefine what was happening in my life, and I think
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: my hope is that it'll do that for everybody listening.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: So what is dead bedroom and what do you want
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: people who might be experiencing shame around that to know?
• 24:27
  Speaker 4: Dead bedroom is a term for when a couple in
• 24:30
  Speaker 4: a long term relationship has gone for a very long
• 24:33
  Speaker 4: time without having sex, so similar to a dry spell.
• 24:37
  Speaker 4: With dead bedroom, people often use that term to describe
• 24:41
  Speaker 4: like it's a dry spell and I don't see any
• 24:45
  Speaker 4: light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not sure
• 24:47
  Speaker 4: when or how we're going to get back to being
• 24:49
  Speaker 4: intimate with each other. And we actually don't love the
• 24:52
  Speaker 4: term dead bedroom because it implies a sense of permanence,
• 24:56
  Speaker 4: like nothing ever comes back from being dead right in
• 25:00
  Speaker 4: real life. But you know, we think that there are
• 25:03
  Speaker 4: ways for couples, even if it feels like they're in
• 25:05
  Speaker 4: a really tough place to reconnect, to start slowly being intimate,
• 25:09
  Speaker 4: to rebuild that connection with each other over time. So
• 25:12
  Speaker 4: we absolutely think that there is hope in a lot
• 25:16
  Speaker 4: of these kinds of situations.
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: So the next one is that there are two sex
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: drive types, which I was fascinated to hear. So some
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: people are spontaneous and others are responsive. What is that?
• 25:28
  Speaker 4: Yes, this is a game changing information. I'm really glad
• 25:31
  Speaker 4: you picked up on this one in particular. So most
• 25:34
  Speaker 4: people don't realize that there are two different sex drive types.
• 25:37
  Speaker 4: We just think of sex drive as this thing that exists,
• 25:40
  Speaker 4: Like my shoe size is five, my sex drive is
• 25:43
  Speaker 4: you know, it should be a certain amount. But there
• 25:45
  Speaker 4: are two different ways that we get turned on and
• 25:49
  Speaker 4: excited and ready for sex. So mentally the thought of
• 25:52
  Speaker 4: sex sounds good, the idea of it sounds good, and
• 25:54
  Speaker 4: we also get ready for sex in our bodies, so
• 25:57
  Speaker 4: like physiological responses of our bodies getting ready and excited
• 26:01
  Speaker 4: for sex. So the two types boil down to where
• 26:04
  Speaker 4: you feel that desire first. So there's spontaneous desire where
• 26:09
  Speaker 4: you feel mentally interested in sex, first, and then the
• 26:12
  Speaker 4: bodily arousal follows. So this is how most people think
• 26:16
  Speaker 4: sex drive is supposed to work, because this is what
• 26:18
  Speaker 4: we see on TV and in the movies. Right, it's
• 26:21
  Speaker 4: like this random moment sex pops into your head, you
• 26:24
  Speaker 4: go find your partner type of thing. But there's also
• 26:28
  Speaker 4: responsive desire, and research has found that more women tend
• 26:31
  Speaker 4: to be responsive and more men tend to be spontaneous.
• 26:35
  Speaker 4: The responsive desire is the exact opposite. Your body gets
• 26:38
  Speaker 4: turned on first, and then mentally the idea of sex
• 26:42
  Speaker 4: starts to sound good. So a classic way to know
• 26:45
  Speaker 4: that you might be a responsive type is if you've
• 26:48
  Speaker 4: ever been in the middle of sex, or even at
• 26:50
  Speaker 4: the end of sex, and you've caught yourself thinking, huh,
• 26:54
  Speaker 4: this is really fun. Why do I never seem to
• 26:57
  Speaker 4: want this? More often? That is responsive desire. So this
• 27:02
  Speaker 4: is so important because most women who are responsive think
• 27:06
  Speaker 4: of themselves as being low desire or no desire because
• 27:10
  Speaker 4: they're not thinking about sex. It's not popping into their
• 27:13
  Speaker 4: heads the way that they think it should. But that
• 27:16
  Speaker 4: is not the case. You are not low desire, you're
• 27:18
  Speaker 4: just responsive desire. You have to appeal to your body
• 27:22
  Speaker 4: first before your head is going to start to think
• 27:25
  Speaker 4: that sex is a good idea.
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: That is so fascinating mm hmmm, because the idea I love,
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: I think so much of your work flips it like
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: gets rid of the shame, right, Like the idea of
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: thinking like I don't have a lot of desire versus oh,
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: my desire shows up in a different way.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, very cool.
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so it's I mean, it's it's really that you
• 27:48
  Speaker 3: need to make space for your desire. You have to
• 27:52
  Speaker 3: you know, you have to value your own well being
• 27:55
  Speaker 3: or you have to make sure that you're taking care
• 27:58
  Speaker 3: of yourself or that there's space in your schedule in
• 28:01
  Speaker 3: order to feel desiring. And I think like the reality
• 28:04
  Speaker 3: is in this day and age, life is really busy
• 28:07
  Speaker 3: and it's easy for us to just get totally booked
• 28:10
  Speaker 3: up and totally scheduled and overwhelmed with things. And then
• 28:14
  Speaker 3: on top of that, we start judging ourselves for like
• 28:16
  Speaker 3: why am I not just wanting sex all the time,
• 28:20
  Speaker 3: And it's like, well, you're not wanting sex all the
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: time because you're time the time for the time for it.
• 28:27
  Speaker 4: But yeah, such a huge part of what we do
• 28:30
  Speaker 4: is really wanting people to feel normal and to feel
• 28:33
  Speaker 4: like they're not alone and something because because we don't
• 28:36
  Speaker 4: talk about sex openly and honestly, it's so easy for
• 28:40
  Speaker 4: us to feel like we're alone. And we've gotten this
• 28:43
  Speaker 4: question am I normal? From people, like we get it
• 28:46
  Speaker 4: every single day, and we've gotten it about some of
• 28:48
  Speaker 4: the most normal seeming things, like people will ask us,
• 28:52
  Speaker 4: is it normal that I like making out for longer
• 28:55
  Speaker 4: amounts of time with my partner? Is it normal that
• 28:59
  Speaker 4: I want some four before we have intercourse?
• 29:01
  Speaker 3: You know?
• 29:02
  Speaker 4: So it's just it's so easy for us to feel
• 29:04
  Speaker 4: like whatever it is that we want or need or
• 29:07
  Speaker 4: like it's not normal.
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: I think what's hard is if you don't have a
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: partner that's willing to explore with you, it's just hard
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: to even know what you like or what is normal
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: quote unquote. So that's one of the things I've enjoyed
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: about getting older.
• 29:22
  Speaker 4: In our books sex Talk, so we have these five
• 29:24
  Speaker 4: crucial conversations that we think will transform any couple's sex life,
• 29:29
  Speaker 4: And one of the conversations is pleasure. And so I
• 29:32
  Speaker 4: tell the story in that chapter of messages that we've
• 29:36
  Speaker 4: gotten from women who have male partners who have said
• 29:39
  Speaker 4: some really messed up things about the female partner's pleasure,
• 29:43
  Speaker 4: like things like you know, well, it's just so much
• 29:45
  Speaker 4: harder for you to orgasm it's easy for me, so
• 29:48
  Speaker 4: I just want to focus on me, or like I
• 29:50
  Speaker 4: don't want to go down on you, or I don't
• 29:52
  Speaker 4: feel like I should need to touch you, and so
• 29:55
  Speaker 4: on the surface, these stories are heartbreaking, Like I remember
• 30:00
  Speaker 4: reading them as we were writing the book and thinking like,
• 30:02
  Speaker 4: oh my god, squew that guy, like how dare he?
• 30:05
  Speaker 4: And you know, And it was really interesting though, because
• 30:08
  Speaker 4: as we had more conversations with these women who were
• 30:12
  Speaker 4: messaging us, what we found out was that a lot
• 30:16
  Speaker 4: of their partners were operating with some really inaccurate information
• 30:20
  Speaker 4: about sex. So there was one woman in particular who said,
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: you know, I finally I felt inspired by watching your
• 30:25
  Speaker 4: Instagram stories. I decided to have a conversation with my partner.
• 30:29
  Speaker 4: And it turns out, like you know, we both were
• 30:31
  Speaker 4: raised in purity culture, so we both have all this
• 30:33
  Speaker 4: shame around thinking that sex is not okay. My partner's
• 30:38
  Speaker 4: only sex education that he ever got was around porn,
• 30:41
  Speaker 4: and he never saw porn where the guy focused on
• 30:44
  Speaker 4: the women's pleasure, and he always saw these messages that
• 30:47
  Speaker 4: men were just supposed to like be in control and
• 30:50
  Speaker 4: taking the lead and focusing on themselves, and this is
• 30:53
  Speaker 4: the idea that he started to get in his head
• 30:55
  Speaker 4: of what a real man is. And so by having
• 30:58
  Speaker 4: a conversation about they were able to realize like, oh,
• 31:02
  Speaker 4: it's not that you're just being a raging jerk and
• 31:05
  Speaker 4: you hate me and you don't want to focus on
• 31:06
  Speaker 4: me at all. It's like you've been wounded by all
• 31:09
  Speaker 4: this inaccurate information and lack of education. And then it
• 31:13
  Speaker 4: turned into a bonding moment for the two of them
• 31:15
  Speaker 4: of like, hey, we've both been wounded in these ways,
• 31:19
  Speaker 4: and like, let's be a team together. Let's actually be
• 31:22
  Speaker 4: teammates in making sure that we both have enjoyable experiences.
• 31:26
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean so many men not so many, Like
• 31:29
  Speaker 3: men in general are socialized to feel like we're supposed
• 31:33
  Speaker 3: to be competent, we're supposed to know what we're doing.
• 31:36
  Speaker 3: We really you know, like there's the whole stereotype, like
• 31:38
  Speaker 3: you know, men won't ask for directions, right, Like they'll
• 31:41
  Speaker 3: drive around for half an hour totally lost because they
• 31:43
  Speaker 3: don't want to ask for directions, And that gets really
• 31:46
  Speaker 3: problematic with sex, if you think, well, I'm supposed to
• 31:50
  Speaker 3: be in charge, I'm supposed to give hurt and orgasm,
• 31:53
  Speaker 3: and I'm supposed to know everything, but somehow, like but
• 31:58
  Speaker 3: no one ever taught me how, somehow I'm supposed to
• 32:01
  Speaker 3: figure it out and know and not ask for help.
• 32:04
  Speaker 3: And so, you know, especially as you get years and
• 32:07
  Speaker 3: years into a long term relationship, that can just end
• 32:10
  Speaker 3: up manifesting in you having a really narrow, predictable sex
• 32:14
  Speaker 3: life because you do the things that you think work
• 32:17
  Speaker 3: the best, or you do the things that work the
• 32:19
  Speaker 3: best for your last partner which have nothing to do
• 32:21
  Speaker 3: with what works best for this partner, and you think
• 32:25
  Speaker 3: you're doing the right thing and you're feeling good, and
• 32:28
  Speaker 3: then all of a sudden, you know, but then your
• 32:30
  Speaker 3: partner is kind of silently sitting there like, oh, this
• 32:32
  Speaker 3: is not working for me, Like what is wrong?
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think part of the problem is you don't
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: know what you don't know, So like opening up the
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: conversation and reading your books is probably really helpful to
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: like give people prompts.
• 32:46
  Speaker 4: To absolutely yeah, we're super into being practical. There's so
• 32:52
  Speaker 4: many things with sex where it's like, yeah, I don't
• 32:54
  Speaker 4: know what I don't know. I don't know what are
• 32:56
  Speaker 4: the options? You know, Like a classic question that comes
• 32:59
  Speaker 4: up is if you've ever had a partner ask you
• 33:00
  Speaker 4: in the middle of sex, like what do you want?
• 33:03
  Speaker 4: Most of us freeze up in the moment, and I'm like,
• 33:05
  Speaker 4: I can I see like a menu of options, like
• 33:08
  Speaker 4: I'm not sure, right. We really wanted to create this
• 33:11
  Speaker 4: book that would actually be a conversation opener for people,
• 33:15
  Speaker 4: not just this generic advice like just talk about it.
• 33:18
  Speaker 4: So we have so many exercises in the book where
• 33:20
  Speaker 4: it's like, Okay, here are the eleven sex personality types,
• 33:24
  Speaker 4: which one do you think you are and why? Or
• 33:27
  Speaker 4: here's this whole menu of things that you could do
• 33:30
  Speaker 4: together in the bedroom, and you're both going to go
• 33:32
  Speaker 4: through it and mark like yes, no, maybe for each
• 33:35
  Speaker 4: thing and talk about that. So we give you the
• 33:37
  Speaker 4: specifics rather than just the generic like yeah, talk about it.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: I love that I have a card deck of fifty
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: two questions that I made because I feel the same way.
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: It's like people want deep conversation, but you don't. Sometimes
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: you don't know how to spark it, like you need
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: a prompt. So I'm exactly, I.
• 33:55
  Speaker 4: Know who hasn't sat around like at a dinner party
• 33:57
  Speaker 4: or something thinking like, think of something to say, think
• 33:59
  Speaker 4: of something to say. It's something interesting to say? Yes,
• 34:01
  Speaker 4: like that happens with us? Yeah during sex too?
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah? Okay, so does this because I always say the
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: most interesting thing is to be interested. So do you
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: feel that way too? During sex? Is it like, if
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: you don't know what you want, start asking questions to
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: your partner?
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: Is that fair?
• 34:17
  Speaker 4: I like the vibe of that for sure. Like curiosity
• 34:21
  Speaker 4: is one of our favorite words. We think if people
• 34:23
  Speaker 4: were more curious about their sex life, it would just
• 34:26
  Speaker 4: lead to so much better sex. But there are some
• 34:29
  Speaker 4: nitty gritty specifics here, So sometimes asking questions in the
• 34:33
  Speaker 4: middle of sex can feel like it really puts your
• 34:35
  Speaker 4: partner on the spot. Like that example that I just mentioned,
• 34:38
  Speaker 4: If a partner asks like, what do you want next,
• 34:40
  Speaker 4: it just feels like a little bit too much like
• 34:42
  Speaker 4: tell me what you want me to do to you?
• 34:44
  Speaker 4: It's like, oh, I don't know, I'm just in the moment.
• 34:46
  Speaker 4: So in general, and especially if a couple has never
• 34:49
  Speaker 4: really talked about sex with each other before, or they're
• 34:52
  Speaker 4: not comfortable with it yet, we recommend talking about it
• 34:55
  Speaker 4: separate from the act, and so we have all these
• 34:57
  Speaker 4: different exercises and sex talks about cific times and ways
• 35:01
  Speaker 4: to talk about it, and then you build up the
• 35:04
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• 35:11
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• 37:18
  Speaker 1: So I put out on Instagram that I was going
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: to interview you all, and I do that once in
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: a while when I ask for questions from the audience.
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: I've never had more submissions in myself, so they are
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: all anonymous. However they are. They were really good questions,
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: so I'm just going to go through them with you.
• 37:40
  Speaker 4: We love a good community question.
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, this is definitely community questions. So somebody said, I
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: feel like I'm the one who always initiates sex. How
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: do I get him to initiate more?
• 37:52
  Speaker 4: Great question? Tell him that you want him to initiate.
• 37:56
  Speaker 4: This is gonna This is a very common theme that
• 37:58
  Speaker 4: comes up a lot of us, Like, you know, we
• 38:00
  Speaker 4: want our partners to be mind readers outside the bedroom too,
• 38:04
  Speaker 4: Like that's we always see that fairy tale version of
• 38:06
  Speaker 4: relationships like oh he knows me better than I even
• 38:08
  Speaker 4: know myself. And this can come up with sex too,
• 38:11
  Speaker 4: or we just want our partner to know what to
• 38:13
  Speaker 4: do and just do it, and that is sadly not
• 38:15
  Speaker 4: how humans work. We need to be told so a
• 38:18
  Speaker 4: lot of times. And again this is all about why
• 38:20
  Speaker 4: talking about sex is so important. If you're not talking
• 38:23
  Speaker 4: about it, your partner might think like, oh, the more
• 38:25
  Speaker 4: respectful thing for me to do is not initiate, like
• 38:28
  Speaker 4: I let her come to me. Or maybe maybe like
• 38:32
  Speaker 4: you turned him down in the past, and he's like,
• 38:35
  Speaker 4: I don't want her to feel pressured or guilty, so
• 38:37
  Speaker 4: I'm going to let her tell me when she wants sex.
• 38:40
  Speaker 3: Or maybe he was in a relationship with someone else
• 38:42
  Speaker 3: in the past where he had a way higher sex
• 38:44
  Speaker 3: drive than his partner did and so, you know, and
• 38:48
  Speaker 3: he came away with that feeling like, oh, well, guys
• 38:50
  Speaker 3: just always have a higher sex drive. So yeah, I'd
• 38:53
  Speaker 3: better not ask because it's going to be, you know, disrespectful.
• 38:55
  Speaker 3: It's going to shine a light on the fact that
• 38:57
  Speaker 3: I want it more than she do, so I'll just
• 38:59
  Speaker 3: wait for her. There's so many reasons why.
• 39:01
  Speaker 4: So to get practical, whenever you want to suggest or
• 39:04
  Speaker 4: request something from your partner, always frame it in a
• 39:08
  Speaker 4: positive way. So with your partner, like tell him, you
• 39:12
  Speaker 4: know what, I think, it's so sexy when you initiate.
• 39:15
  Speaker 4: It makes me feel really desired, or it makes me
• 39:19
  Speaker 4: feel so excited whenever you do it. And then get
• 39:22
  Speaker 4: specific too, So give your partner, like two or three
• 39:25
  Speaker 4: specific ways that he could initiate that would turn you on.
• 39:29
  Speaker 4: So this is going to give him, like if he
• 39:32
  Speaker 4: doesn't have the confidence to initiate or you know, there's
• 39:34
  Speaker 4: some reason, like this is going to make him feel
• 39:36
  Speaker 4: so much better because he has specific ways that he
• 39:40
  Speaker 4: can do it. It's like he's already one.
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: I love that. I have a friend named aj who
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: like works with CEOs and cmos on their leadership, and
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: he has this phrase called light and bright. And I
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: talked to him one time because I was in a
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: situation with a guy and it wasn't going well and
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: he was like, stop like being annoyed with him.
• 39:59
  Speaker 4: Be light and right.
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: Yes, I love the idea of framing it positively and
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: being light and bright.
• 40:06
  Speaker 4: Yeah, especially with sex, nobody responds well to being criticized
• 40:11
  Speaker 4: or critiqued about or you know, hearing a complaint about sex. Nobody.
• 40:15
  Speaker 4: It's like a one way ticket to getting defensive and
• 40:18
  Speaker 4: your feelings getting hurt. So instead, if we find ways
• 40:21
  Speaker 4: to ask for more of what we want or what
• 40:24
  Speaker 4: we like, you're going to have so much more success
• 40:26
  Speaker 4: with that.
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: So this viewer community member said, I've never squirted is
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: it normal not to. And before we go into that,
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: I did read on your Instagram that this, like the
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: whole squirting thing is one of your most common questions
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: from your community, which I'm shocked that that's the case.
• 40:46
  Speaker 4: Yes, it's such a big thing, and I think because
• 40:49
  Speaker 4: we're seeing it so much more important, people are getting
• 40:52
  Speaker 4: this idea of, oh, squirting is something that I'm supposed
• 40:56
  Speaker 4: to do. So what squirting is is the expulse of
• 41:00
  Speaker 4: fluid out of a woman or a vulva owner's urethra.
• 41:04
  Speaker 4: So just like men and penis owners ejaculate, women are
• 41:07
  Speaker 4: capable of doing that as well. The thing that's really
• 41:11
  Speaker 4: important to know though, is squirting is not an orgasm,
• 41:15
  Speaker 4: and an orgasm is not squirting, so you can have
• 41:18
  Speaker 4: one without the other. And the vast majority of women
• 41:21
  Speaker 4: who squirt it say that it doesn't actually feel pleasurable
• 41:24
  Speaker 4: like it feels either neutral. A lot of women will
• 41:27
  Speaker 4: say like it's actually a really big pain in the
• 41:29
  Speaker 4: butt because it, you know, gets like liquid all over
• 41:32
  Speaker 4: the place. We have to stop and clean up the
• 41:34
  Speaker 4: bed or it soaks the mattress. So I think a
• 41:38
  Speaker 4: lot of women aren't feeling this pressure that they're supposed
• 41:41
  Speaker 4: to squirt, and a lot of times some people have
• 41:44
  Speaker 4: this misconception that it's not a real orgasm unless you've
• 41:47
  Speaker 4: squirt it, or like squirting is a sign that it
• 41:49
  Speaker 4: was a next level orgasm.
• 41:51
  Speaker 3: It's not, it's not.
• 41:53
  Speaker 4: It's just a completely separate process, nothing to do with pleasure,
• 41:56
  Speaker 4: nothing to do with orgasm. So that we have a
• 42:01
  Speaker 4: very limited amount of science on this, so we don't
• 42:03
  Speaker 4: know are all women even capable of squirting? It seems
• 42:08
  Speaker 4: likely that we are, but currently only a very small
• 42:11
  Speaker 4: number of women do squirt. So bottom line is, you
• 42:16
  Speaker 4: don't need to perform in this way, Like, it's not
• 42:19
  Speaker 4: something that you have to do. If your body does it,
• 42:21
  Speaker 4: that's cool. If your body doesn't do it, that is
• 42:24
  Speaker 4: also cool. But again, it has nothing to do with orgasm.
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: This person says, I missed the early stages of dating
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: when we all when we had sex all the time.
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: I missed the new relationship energy. How do we get
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: that back?
• 42:38
  Speaker 4: We get new relationship energy back by putting new relationship
• 42:42
  Speaker 4: energy into the relationship.
• 42:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like that same type of the effort that we
• 42:49
  Speaker 3: put in at the beginning of a relationship. Yeah.
• 42:52
  Speaker 4: People always remark back about those early days of dating,
• 42:56
  Speaker 4: and it's really interesting to take a look at, like
• 42:58
  Speaker 4: how were you showing up up during that time? And
• 43:01
  Speaker 4: for the vast majority of us, like we put a
• 43:04
  Speaker 4: lot of energy and effort into it, into like trying
• 43:07
  Speaker 4: to be the best versions of ourselves and trying to
• 43:10
  Speaker 4: interact with our partner in the best ways, like showing
• 43:13
  Speaker 4: them appreciation and saying nice things to them, and spending
• 43:17
  Speaker 4: quality time with them, doing unique and different things with
• 43:20
  Speaker 4: them during that quality time. So, you know, for some people,
• 43:24
  Speaker 4: like that energy might not feel sustainable, like maybe you
• 43:28
  Speaker 4: have you know, you have a life and there are
• 43:30
  Speaker 4: other things that you're doing that's okay, But I think
• 43:33
  Speaker 4: it's just it's so important for us to recognize like
• 43:35
  Speaker 4: that stage felt that way because of our effort. It
• 43:39
  Speaker 4: wasn't a magical you know, Oh, it was just happening
• 43:42
  Speaker 4: that way. We were putting in effort. So if you
• 43:44
  Speaker 4: miss that, bring back some of that effort. What are
• 43:48
  Speaker 4: the things that you used to do that you missed doing.
• 43:50
  Speaker 4: What are the the version of yourself that you used
• 43:53
  Speaker 4: to be that you're not really being anymore. So you
• 43:56
  Speaker 4: can always get back that energy if you want to.
• 43:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, we're not saying that you need to put in
• 44:01
  Speaker 3: the same level of effort, because I think very early
• 44:04
  Speaker 3: in a relationship sometimes we put in a lot, a
• 44:08
  Speaker 3: lot of effort, maybe maybe like a dangerous not an effort,
• 44:11
  Speaker 3: you know, like I know, for you know, you kind
• 44:13
  Speaker 3: of like neglect your job, maybe you neglect your friends
• 44:16
  Speaker 3: or whatever. So we're not saying that, but I think
• 44:18
  Speaker 3: it's just it's so easy for us to fall into
• 44:21
  Speaker 3: this trap of sort of like looking at like the
• 44:24
  Speaker 3: work we put into a relationship as like, oh, well,
• 44:26
  Speaker 3: I put in this work to get into the committed relationship,
• 44:30
  Speaker 3: and then as soon as as soon as we're committed,
• 44:33
  Speaker 3: as soon as I put a ring on it, then
• 44:35
  Speaker 3: it's like it's locked down. I take my foot off
• 44:37
  Speaker 3: the gas. I don't need to do anything anymore. And
• 44:40
  Speaker 3: I think that's a dangerous mind set to get it.
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: So keep your foot on the gas, keep your foot
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: on the gas, keep throwing logs under the fire. And
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: if we could just get specific, it's different for everybody.
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: But does that mean sending sweet texts in the middle
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: of the day or making someone their favorite meal? Like
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: what does that consist of?
• 45:00
  Speaker 4: So this is another great homework exercise that anybody can do.
• 45:03
  Speaker 4: If you're in a committed relationship, ask your partner, what
• 45:06
  Speaker 4: are the five things that I could do or have
• 45:10
  Speaker 4: done that make you feel the closest to me, the
• 45:13
  Speaker 4: most connected to me?
• 45:14
  Speaker 3: And I think the interesting thing that most people find
• 45:18
  Speaker 3: is that those things that move the needle the most
• 45:21
  Speaker 3: are often really simple, small things. It's easy to get
• 45:25
  Speaker 3: into our head and be like, oh God, like they're
• 45:28
  Speaker 3: telling me I have to plan a huge like vacation
• 45:30
  Speaker 3: to Europe or like you know, the couple's retreat, couples retreat,
• 45:34
  Speaker 3: or at the seven course meal at that super fancy restaurant,
• 45:37
  Speaker 3: and yeah, those things can be nice. But the reality
• 45:41
  Speaker 3: is is that there's very often little, tiny things that
• 45:44
  Speaker 3: we can do that are just as meaningful, if not
• 45:47
  Speaker 3: more meaningful. So one example of that is Vanessa loves compliments,
• 45:52
  Speaker 3: and I'm not like compliments or you know, are not
• 45:55
  Speaker 3: my love language personally, so like, I don't really default
• 45:59
  Speaker 3: to thinking about that. But one time I just kind
• 46:01
  Speaker 3: of accidentally or maybe jokingly said something like, oh, babe,
• 46:04
  Speaker 3: you're really killing it blah blah blah. I don't even
• 46:06
  Speaker 3: know what I said, and her face totally lit up,
• 46:10
  Speaker 3: and I was like, what is like, what is going on?
• 46:12
  Speaker 3: Like did I say something like I don't, I don't
• 46:15
  Speaker 3: get it, And she's like, oh my god, I like
• 46:17
  Speaker 3: when you say those words, you're killing it at whatever.
• 46:21
  Speaker 3: You could insert anything in the blank there, like it
• 46:24
  Speaker 3: just makes her day. And so I had to create
• 46:27
  Speaker 3: a habit of oh I give If I give her
• 46:30
  Speaker 3: little compliments throughout the day, she is so happy and
• 46:33
  Speaker 3: we feel so connected. And so it was just a
• 46:35
  Speaker 3: matter of me, like I literally set reminders on my
• 46:38
  Speaker 3: phone giving us a giving us a compliment because it
• 46:41
  Speaker 3: didn't come naturally to me. And now after maybe a
• 46:43
  Speaker 3: month of doing that, it is supernatural. And I give
• 46:47
  Speaker 3: her compliments all the time. So you have to find
• 46:49
  Speaker 3: what those things a partner, but that means you have
• 46:52
  Speaker 3: to talk about it.
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: So, Xander, what do you request from Vanessa?
• 46:57
  Speaker 3: I request unrequested hugs.
• 47:01
  Speaker 4: If I just come up and give him a hug
• 47:03
  Speaker 4: out of nowhere, He's like, oh my god, that's so nice.
• 47:07
  Speaker 4: Why did you want to hug me? He gets very
• 47:09
  Speaker 4: just the same way I get stupid excited about the compliment.
• 47:12
  Speaker 4: He gets stupid excited about the hug.
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: He's smiling right now.
• 47:14
  Speaker 4: That's very He's just thinking about it. I'll give him
• 47:17
  Speaker 4: a hug when we finish recording.
• 47:19
  Speaker 3: Feel so good.
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: So this, this question blew my mind and I'm gonna
• 47:25
  Speaker 1: be honest. I have done this in a previous relationship,
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: so I'm really I made a vow to myself not
• 47:30
  Speaker 1: to do it again. But I'm very curious what you
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: have to say. So this person wrote in, I've been
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: in a relationship for three years. We have incredible sex.
• 47:40
  Speaker 1: Sixty percent of the time. I fake an orgasm because
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: if I'm being honest, I can only get there when
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: I'm on top and bent over, and it's not fun
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: for anyone to have sex one way all of the time.
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: So I just fake it. I'm starting to feel like
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: a liar. And if we get married, where does this
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: all lead? Do I fake it forever?
• 47:56
  Speaker 2: Maybe?
• 47:57
  Speaker 3: I do.
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: I feel like there's this weird line between have a creative, open,
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: amazing sex life and being honest. Can the two go
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: hand in hand?
• 48:05
  Speaker 3: Oh?
• 48:05
  Speaker 4: Great question? So first I want to validate I have
• 48:09
  Speaker 4: faked as well. I struggled. I learned how to orgasm
• 48:13
  Speaker 4: on my own, but I really struggled basically my entire
• 48:16
  Speaker 4: sex life before I met Xander. To get there. With
• 48:18
  Speaker 4: the partner.
• 48:19
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you couldn't even do it in one position.
• 48:21
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I've faked so many orgasms for so long and
• 48:25
  Speaker 4: in a lot of committed relationships. So I get that
• 48:27
  Speaker 4: feeling of like, you know, you start off doing it
• 48:30
  Speaker 4: because it feels like the best possible solution for that,
• 48:34
  Speaker 4: but then you get a certain point into it and
• 48:36
  Speaker 4: feels and it catches up to you and you think like,
• 48:37
  Speaker 4: oh my god, what do I do here? How do
• 48:40
  Speaker 4: I back my way out?
• 48:41
  Speaker 3: You have to keep doing it because you kind of
• 48:44
  Speaker 3: your partner thinks that you can do it, And yeah, so.
• 48:47
  Speaker 4: I do think it is really important for you, know,
• 48:50
  Speaker 4: if you're at the beginning of a relationship, don't set
• 48:52
  Speaker 4: yourself up for this, Like, just be honest about your orgasm.
• 48:56
  Speaker 4: I know it's challenging, but it really is the best.
• 48:58
  Speaker 4: But if you have been fit for a while, there
• 49:01
  Speaker 4: are ways to like work around it as well and
• 49:04
  Speaker 4: to start like to reframe your sex life kind of
• 49:06
  Speaker 4: start over again. And the great news with this question
• 49:09
  Speaker 4: is that she has a way that she can orgasm,
• 49:12
  Speaker 4: so it's not like she's been faking every single one.
• 49:15
  Speaker 4: So like to her question, when I heard, like, it's
• 49:18
  Speaker 4: not fun to have sex in the exact same way
• 49:20
  Speaker 4: every single time. I think, like, you know, if you've
• 49:23
  Speaker 4: found the thing that works for you, there's no shame
• 49:26
  Speaker 4: in that. And that doesn't mean that sex needs to
• 49:29
  Speaker 4: just look like it's just in her on top and
• 49:31
  Speaker 4: bent over, like maybe they do all sorts of other creative, fun,
• 49:35
  Speaker 4: playful things and then they end up in that position
• 49:38
  Speaker 4: for her to orgasm, So it doesn't need to be,
• 49:42
  Speaker 4: you know, this kind of black or white way that
• 49:44
  Speaker 4: she's thinking of it, like, there are ways to do that.
• 49:47
  Speaker 4: And also just from a more technical standpoint about the
• 49:50
  Speaker 4: orgasm itself, if you can learn how to orgasm in
• 49:54
  Speaker 4: one way, you can learn how to orgasm in a
• 49:55
  Speaker 4: lot of ways. It's not like that we just get
• 49:58
  Speaker 4: one way that's the only thing we can do. But
• 50:01
  Speaker 4: what tends to happen is people if we only are
• 50:04
  Speaker 4: ever orgasming in that way, we're basically carving like neural
• 50:08
  Speaker 4: pathways in our brain that sort of just train our
• 50:11
  Speaker 4: brain of like this is what happens to lead to
• 50:13
  Speaker 4: the orgasm. So you can orgasm in other ways. It's
• 50:16
  Speaker 4: just going to take a little bit of time and practice.
• 50:18
  Speaker 4: So i'd have her start practicing on her own, like
• 50:21
  Speaker 4: in different positions, using different forms of stimulation. It's going
• 50:25
  Speaker 4: to take some time because her brain is so used
• 50:27
  Speaker 4: to doing it in that specific way, but she will
• 50:29
  Speaker 4: be able to train herself to orgasm in other ways too.
• 50:32
  Speaker 2: That's very cool.
• 50:37
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  Speaker 1: It's as simple as buying a stock. What I think
• 51:40
  Speaker 1: is really cool is that there's no minimum investment required.
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: Click the link in the podcast description to take a
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: look and sign up if it feels right for you.
• 51:52
  Speaker 1: I have a weird question. Is the goal of sex
• 51:56
  Speaker 1: every time to orgasm? Or is it kind of crazy
• 51:59
  Speaker 1: to ask? Like would it be okay if she? If
• 52:02
  Speaker 1: not she or her partner either one of them did
• 52:05
  Speaker 1: an orgasm and that wasn't the point of sex that time.
• 52:09
  Speaker 4: You have such great questions, So yeah, I think most
• 52:12
  Speaker 4: of us have it in our heads that like, oh,
• 52:14
  Speaker 4: we're supposed to orgasm, and like sex isn't successful unless
• 52:17
  Speaker 4: we have orgasm. But we don't think that's true. So
• 52:21
  Speaker 4: our motto is everyone who wants an orgasm gets an organism.
• 52:26
  Speaker 4: Think it's very important for partners to be teammates and
• 52:31
  Speaker 4: for us to care about each other's experience, Like if
• 52:34
  Speaker 4: Xander wants to have an orgasm, I am making sure
• 52:37
  Speaker 4: that we work together as a team for him to
• 52:39
  Speaker 4: have an orgasm. Yes, but there are plenty of times
• 52:45
  Speaker 4: and plenty of reasons why you might want to be
• 52:48
  Speaker 4: intimate with your partner, but you don't necessarily care to
• 52:51
  Speaker 4: have an orgasm. So maybe like we have times where
• 52:54
  Speaker 4: we have sex where I'm like, you know, I'm not
• 52:57
  Speaker 4: necessarily super in the mood myself, but I feel good
• 53:00
  Speaker 4: connecting with you and you know, being intimate with you,
• 53:03
  Speaker 4: So let's make it a little bit more about you tonight.
• 53:06
  Speaker 4: Sometimes it is fun to even have nights where it's
• 53:08
  Speaker 4: like it's all about you, and then the next night
• 53:10
  Speaker 4: it's all about me. Sometimes people are like, you know,
• 53:13
  Speaker 4: I feel enough satisfaction and enjoyment that like, I don't
• 53:18
  Speaker 4: need to have the orgasm. The fine line here, though,
• 53:22
  Speaker 4: is you want to make sure that it's you saying
• 53:25
  Speaker 4: I actively don't want an orgasm, versus a no, it's fine,
• 53:30
  Speaker 4: I don't need to. Because especially as women, we get
• 53:32
  Speaker 4: a lot of BS socialization that like it's too complicated
• 53:35
  Speaker 4: for us to orgasm. It takes too long, it takes
• 53:38
  Speaker 4: too much effort. So there are a lot of women
• 53:40
  Speaker 4: who are like, no, it's like, it's fine, I don't
• 53:42
  Speaker 4: need it. It's okay, don't worry about me.
• 53:44
  Speaker 3: If you're saying it's fine, it's probably not fine.
• 53:47
  Speaker 4: It's not fine.
• 53:47
  Speaker 3: We kind of have this thing where if if one
• 53:50
  Speaker 3: of us says, oh, it's fine, the other one will
• 53:53
  Speaker 3: get okay, do you want to rephrase?
• 53:55
  Speaker 4: Yeah, what do you really mean?
• 53:56
  Speaker 3: Fine? Pretty much means it's not fine.
• 53:59
  Speaker 4: We don't allow that for is in or out of
• 54:00
  Speaker 4: the bedroom. It's like m M, now, let's let's really talk
• 54:03
  Speaker 4: about what's going on. So, yeah, as long as you're
• 54:05
  Speaker 4: you feel good about, like, yeah, I feel satisfied having
• 54:09
  Speaker 4: sex without an orgasm, that's fine.
• 54:11
  Speaker 3: But yeah, yeah, like you're not gonna later resent your
• 54:15
  Speaker 3: partner for that decision.
• 54:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a great rule. And I usually don't like rules,
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: but I like that rule.
• 54:21
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 54:21
  Speaker 1: So this is interesting too. My sexual fantasies are weird
• 54:25
  Speaker 1: and specific. I'm super comfortable with my partner, but I
• 54:28
  Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable bringing some of them up. Are there certain
• 54:32
  Speaker 1: fantasies you're supposed to keep to yourself? If not, how
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: do I open up this conversation? And what if he
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: looks at me differently forever?
• 54:40
  Speaker 4: Oh? That's another going on. So in general, like, I
• 54:43
  Speaker 4: think a big dynamic that comes up for us is
• 54:46
  Speaker 4: that we tend to judge our fantasies and we worry
• 54:49
  Speaker 4: that it like means something about us if we have
• 54:52
  Speaker 4: a certain fantasy. But most fantasies are really very random.
• 54:57
  Speaker 4: Like so sometimes I will work with a client and
• 55:00
  Speaker 4: they'll say something like, you know, oh, my parents wore
• 55:03
  Speaker 4: a lot of leather when I was growing up, and
• 55:05
  Speaker 4: now I have this like thing about leathers.
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: So like, huch feels weird that it's connected to their parents,
• 55:11
  Speaker 1: you know, Like that's the hard part.
• 55:14
  Speaker 4: Like sometimes you can find a connection, but a lot
• 55:17
  Speaker 4: of the times it's like it's a very random like
• 55:19
  Speaker 4: I don't know where the heck guy got this in
• 55:21
  Speaker 4: my head, but it's in my head.
• 55:23
  Speaker 3: Yeah, Like it doesn't say anything about who you are
• 55:25
  Speaker 3: or like something that happened to you as a child
• 55:28
  Speaker 3: or whatever.
• 55:29
  Speaker 4: Yeah, Like we love food, so we make a lot
• 55:31
  Speaker 4: of food comparisons, and I always say, like, do you
• 55:33
  Speaker 4: judge yourself for liking mushrooms or for loving blue cheese?
• 55:38
  Speaker 4: Like no, we don't. Think it doesn't mean anything about
• 55:40
  Speaker 4: me as a person that I like mushrooms. So with fantasies,
• 55:44
  Speaker 4: like I think it's important for us to look at
• 55:45
  Speaker 4: it the same way. So most people feel like they
• 55:49
  Speaker 4: have weird fantasies, but the reality is that they're actually
• 55:54
  Speaker 4: very you know, common fantasies.
• 55:56
  Speaker 3: And also, this person said specific and kind of combined
• 56:01
  Speaker 3: with weird as this problematic pick. I mean, I want
• 56:04
  Speaker 3: to invite this person to reframe that as, Hey, if
• 56:06
  Speaker 3: you have a very specific fantasy, that's great. You know
• 56:09
  Speaker 3: exactly what is exciting. You don't need to play around
• 56:14
  Speaker 3: with it. A lot of people are like, oh, yeah,
• 56:16
  Speaker 3: I think I might be into this idea, but I'm
• 56:18
  Speaker 3: not really sure exactly what it is. In this case,
• 56:21
  Speaker 3: this person knows exactly what it is like. It's in
• 56:24
  Speaker 3: theory that will be easier to play out with a
• 56:28
  Speaker 3: partner if you know exactly what you want.
• 56:30
  Speaker 4: And our vibe when it comes to fantasies is that
• 56:33
  Speaker 4: as long as everyone involved is enthusiastically consenting adults, anything
• 56:39
  Speaker 4: goes like there is no right or wrong here. So
• 56:42
  Speaker 4: what I would advise this person is to, you know,
• 56:45
  Speaker 4: kind of rank your fantasies in order of how vulnerable
• 56:50
  Speaker 4: you feel sharing them, and start with the ones that
• 56:53
  Speaker 4: feel the easiest to share with your partner. Share those
• 56:57
  Speaker 4: fantasies with them and see how your partner response. So
• 57:00
  Speaker 4: start with some of the like the easier ones and
• 57:03
  Speaker 4: ways that I like introducing fantasies are saying that you
• 57:07
  Speaker 4: had a dream about something. You can say like, I
• 57:10
  Speaker 4: had this dream about this thing last night and I
• 57:13
  Speaker 4: did not really think that I would be into it,
• 57:15
  Speaker 4: but it was pretty hot in the dream, and I'm
• 57:18
  Speaker 4: just kind of curious to know what you think. Like,
• 57:20
  Speaker 4: there are ways of kind of, you know, you tell
• 57:21
  Speaker 4: a little bit of a white lie around it just
• 57:23
  Speaker 4: in service of you opening up and having a conversation,
• 57:26
  Speaker 4: or if you if it feels okay, you can just
• 57:28
  Speaker 4: come right out and say, you know, like I really
• 57:31
  Speaker 4: trust you and I love you, and I want to
• 57:33
  Speaker 4: tell you a fantasy that I've never really trusted anybody
• 57:36
  Speaker 4: to share before, and that here it is. So again,
• 57:39
  Speaker 4: start with those fantasies that feel easier for you to
• 57:41
  Speaker 4: share and see how your partner responds, and then you
• 57:44
  Speaker 4: can work your way up into the more complex ones
• 57:47
  Speaker 4: from there.
• 57:47
  Speaker 1: Okay, I have a follow up question on this because
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: my therapist is she never really like goes on a
• 57:54
  Speaker 1: rant about anything, and about a year ago she spent
• 57:57
  Speaker 1: like an entire session that I didn't want to to
• 58:00
  Speaker 1: talking about. She said she like thinks that porn is
• 58:05
  Speaker 1: ruining American people, and she after she said that, I
• 58:10
  Speaker 1: heard a lot of other people say it in different ways.
• 58:14
  Speaker 1: So I started doing some research and I forgot what
• 58:18
  Speaker 1: it's called it start, oh, incest. So incest porn has
• 58:23
  Speaker 1: been increasingly of interest to people, if that's how we
• 58:26
  Speaker 1: put it over the years, which makes me think about fantasies,
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: like if there's shame and fantasies, that's a weird thing,
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: Like that's that is Yeah, yeah, I don't even know
• 58:36
  Speaker 1: how to ask this, but what do you make of that?
• 58:38
  Speaker 1: And what do you think about porn in that way?
• 58:41
  Speaker 4: Yeah, A lot of time we develop fantasies around things
• 58:44
  Speaker 4: that feel taboo and forbidden to us. So sometimes people
• 58:48
  Speaker 4: will have fantasies about things that are very normalized in culture.
• 58:52
  Speaker 4: Like a great example is having a threesome. You know,
• 58:54
  Speaker 4: where threesomes are pretty common. I think most people feel
• 58:57
  Speaker 4: like comfortable with them, but they're there's this element of
• 59:00
  Speaker 4: it feeling like, oh, that's taboo. We're supposed to be monogamous,
• 59:04
  Speaker 4: we're not supposed to bring another person in, And so
• 59:06
  Speaker 4: that feeling of it being taboo can make it feel
• 59:09
  Speaker 4: more exciting. Obviously, with incest. You're talking about something that's
• 59:13
  Speaker 4: like illegal, and so for some people that can feel
• 59:17
  Speaker 4: extra exciting. And yeah, porn is such a complex topic.
• 59:22
  Speaker 4: It's you know, we could do a whole other episode
• 59:24
  Speaker 4: just about that. And for me as a sex therapist,
• 59:27
  Speaker 4: what I come back to is like the basic reality
• 59:31
  Speaker 4: of like watching other people have sex. I don't think
• 59:35
  Speaker 4: there's anything wrong with that. Of course, it's a turn on,
• 59:37
  Speaker 4: Like that's why we have sex scenes on movies and
• 59:40
  Speaker 4: in TV all the time, Like it's exciting to watch
• 59:43
  Speaker 4: other people have sex. Of course, though, the porn industry
• 59:47
  Speaker 4: is so complex and there are so many issues with
• 59:51
  Speaker 4: the types of porn that are being made and also
• 59:54
  Speaker 4: with the ways people are consuming porn. So you know,
• 59:58
  Speaker 4: it is very possible to have a the relationship with porn,
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 4: and it's very possible to have an unhealthy relationship with porn.
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 4: So it's just there are no easy answers here. But
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 4: it's it's a very very complex issue, and yes, it
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 4: is absolutely causing a lot of harm in a lot
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 4: of people's lives.
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: I took a few gender studies classes in college, and
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 1: a lot of the professors would talk about how porn
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 1: was always from the male perspective, and that was one
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 1: of the issues, right, It's always about male pleasure.
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 4: So yeah, yeah, so there are some there are some
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 4: producers who are really trying to create different kinds of porn,
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 4: like porn that's more diverse, porn that's you know, respectful
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 4: of the actors involved and showing you know, showing respect
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 4: on the screen as well. There's an umbrella term for
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 4: it called ethical porn, and there's no like certifications for
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 4: this or anything like that, but there are people who
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 4: are trying really hard to create better porn.
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 1: This one was interesting. This person said, I've had about
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 1: twenty sexual partners. I'm thirty four.
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 2: Is that a.
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 4: Yeah, such a great question. I don't think that, Like
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 4: there's no judgment from either of us about how much
• 1:01:08
  Speaker 4: is a lot or a little when it comes to
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 4: our numbers, But this is something that most of us
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 4: do feel a lot of shame and judgment around. But
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 4: what I always think is fascinating about somebody's number is
• 1:01:18
  Speaker 4: that if you really break down like the logistics of it,
• 1:01:21
  Speaker 4: like let's say you have sex with a new person
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 4: once a month, like that doesn't seem that wild or
• 1:01:29
  Speaker 4: unusual or anything like that. But that's twelve, you know,
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 4: twelve a year, and that number could snowball very quickly,
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 4: Like you're sexually active for more than one year, right,
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 4: so it's very easy for us to get high numbers.
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 4: At the end of the day, Like, as a sex therapist,
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 4: I don't care what people's numbers are. All that I
• 1:01:45
  Speaker 4: care about is how they feel about their numbers. And
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 4: I mean, let's be realistic here too, Like I've slept
• 1:01:52
  Speaker 4: with people that now looking back on I'm like, Okay, maybe,
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 4: like I wish I hadn't necessarily slept with them, or
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 4: if I could go back and put my I felt
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 4: in those my shoes again, like maybe I would make
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 4: a different decision. So it's not that you're going to
• 1:02:05
  Speaker 4: get to a place where you feel one hundred percent
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 4: confident about all of your choices, but you just want
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 4: to get an overall vibe that the majority of the time,
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 4: I feel like I'm making decisions that are respectful of
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 4: me and of other people and I'm having good experiences.
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 4: If you have that, then who cares what the actual
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 4: number is?
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean I think the problem is like we
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 3: kind of have this focus on the number, Like earlier
• 1:02:29
  Speaker 3: on you know in our I don't know, like teens
• 1:02:33
  Speaker 3: in twenties. But the reality is that depending on the
• 1:02:36
  Speaker 3: way our life shakes out in terms of oh, you know,
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 3: are we in monogamous relationships, how long are we in
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 3: monogamous relationships? For are we in open relationships? Are we single?
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 3: Like all those things are going to impact that. So
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 3: there's there's no one size fits all, like, oh, well,
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 3: this is a normal number, Like I would just expect
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 3: that to vary as a function of the choices that
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 3: you have made or you know, the way that life
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 3: has shaken out for you in terms of partners or
• 1:03:05
  Speaker 3: not that you've had.
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 1: There's this interesting aspect for women with this, like online
• 1:03:11
  Speaker 1: I hear it called body count a lot, but there's
• 1:03:14
  Speaker 1: like a misogyny there. Oh yeah, you know, Like I
• 1:03:18
  Speaker 1: I remember I had a friend who was like on
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 1: a few dates, went on a few dates with a guy,
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 1: and she was like, I really like him, I want
• 1:03:24
  Speaker 1: to sleep with him, but like I don't want my
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 1: number to go up. And I remember thinking.
• 1:03:27
  Speaker 4: Like what, oh, yeah, that is so wild. But yeah,
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 4: I think for men, there's this idea that you know,
• 1:03:35
  Speaker 4: the more people you've slept with, the better. It's like
• 1:03:38
  Speaker 4: another notch in the bedpost is a sign of you know,
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 4: a symbol of pride, something to be like excited about.
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 4: And for women, it's the sense that we lose something
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 4: every time we have, yeah, like given ourselves a piece
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 4: of ourselves to somebody. And so I think if you're
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 4: feeling guilty about your number, that's a great opportunity to
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 4: kind of get yourself a little bit fired up about
• 1:03:59
  Speaker 4: the the patriarchy and the misogyny in this, Like, why
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 4: is it that I've lost something but this guy has
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 4: gained something? Like That's that's not fair.
• 1:04:08
  Speaker 1: Can I ask you to start a campaign against the
• 1:04:11
  Speaker 1: term lose your virginity?
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 3: Oh?
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 4: Yes, we have a different term that we love.
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, I knew I loved you guys.
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 4: What do you mean? Yes, you don't lose anything. We
• 1:04:21
  Speaker 4: like to call it making your sexual debut.
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 1: I love this because you don't lose anything. That's so beautiful.
• 1:04:29
  Speaker 4: You make your debut.
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 1: So before we do rapid fire about youtwo personally, one
• 1:04:35
  Speaker 1: last question, and this person writes in I'm twenty eight,
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 1: how does sex change in every decade? Twenties, thirties, forties, fifties.
• 1:04:43
  Speaker 1: Is there anything you can give me to look forward to.
• 1:04:47
  Speaker 4: Oh, there's so much to look forward to. I think
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 4: we have this idea that sex is supposed to be
• 1:04:52
  Speaker 4: the hottest, like in your twenties, because you're young and
• 1:04:55
  Speaker 4: you know, excited.
• 1:04:56
  Speaker 3: But it's all downhill from all down from there.
• 1:04:59
  Speaker 4: But but sex can really get so much better as
• 1:05:03
  Speaker 4: you get older. I think one of the big things
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 4: that comes up for people is developing more body confidence.
• 1:05:09
  Speaker 4: Like our twenties and thirties, most of us just feel
• 1:05:11
  Speaker 4: obsessed with our bodies and about our bodies fitting into
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 4: this very narrow window of what they're supposed to look like.
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 4: And a lot of people tell us in their forties, fifties,
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 4: sixties beyond, there's just this feeling of like, this is
• 1:05:24
  Speaker 4: my body, and I don't really care about all that
• 1:05:27
  Speaker 4: bs that I used to care about anymore. And so
• 1:05:29
  Speaker 4: there's this freedom that comes along with well, we're having
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 4: sex and I don't have to worry about, oh, is
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 4: my belly pooch like pooching out in this position, or
• 1:05:38
  Speaker 4: my like my boobs are sliding into my elbows in
• 1:05:41
  Speaker 4: this position. So there's a freedom that comes along with that.
• 1:05:45
  Speaker 4: I think there's also a sense of trust and safety
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 4: in a partner, Like, the longer that you're together, you
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 4: can just start to feel really comfortable being more of
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 4: your authentic selves with each other. So that's something that
• 1:05:57
  Speaker 4: we hear about from people.
• 1:05:58
  Speaker 2: A lot as well.
• 1:05:59
  Speaker 3: I think also, as you know, as you get older,
• 1:06:02
  Speaker 3: you hear more and more from people who say that
• 1:06:05
  Speaker 3: eventually they get more comfortable just asking for what they
• 1:06:09
  Speaker 3: want or saying what it is that they need. So
• 1:06:12
  Speaker 3: as you get older, you are more likely to be
• 1:06:15
  Speaker 3: having sex that is going to be better for you.
• 1:06:17
  Speaker 3: What I do on a caveat there is that you're
• 1:06:20
  Speaker 3: never going to just wake up one day and be like,
• 1:06:22
  Speaker 3: oh screw it, today's the day. Then I can easily
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 3: say what I want. It's just that people over time,
• 1:06:28
  Speaker 3: you know, eventually tend to kind of get fed up
• 1:06:31
  Speaker 3: with things not being so good for them. So you know,
• 1:06:34
  Speaker 3: if the person asking this question is is hoping for like, oh, well,
• 1:06:38
  Speaker 3: once you hit forty, then naturally, you know, it just
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 3: gets easier. Like I would encourage you to start thinking
• 1:06:43
  Speaker 3: about what is it that you want? How could you
• 1:06:45
  Speaker 3: start asking for that, you know, in smaller ways and
• 1:06:49
  Speaker 3: get more comfortable with that because you have the whole
• 1:06:52
  Speaker 3: rest of your life then to be able to start
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 3: getting that and having that and enjoying things more.
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 1: I love that perspective thing you both so a little
• 1:07:02
  Speaker 1: rapid fire. What's a great gift that you've given to
• 1:07:06
  Speaker 1: one another?
• 1:07:07
  Speaker 4: Xander gave me this ring that I wear on my
• 1:07:11
  Speaker 4: right hand. It was just a really symbolic ring at
• 1:07:14
  Speaker 4: a like a really key moment in our relationship, and
• 1:07:17
  Speaker 4: so it has a lot of meaning. Yeah, I know
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 4: what your answer is. It's not as meaningful, but it is.
• 1:07:22
  Speaker 4: It's just in a different way.
• 1:07:24
  Speaker 3: Vanessa gave me for my birthday one year. I think
• 1:07:27
  Speaker 3: it was my birthday or Christmas or something. She gave
• 1:07:30
  Speaker 3: me a framed and signed Joe Montana jersey, which was
• 1:07:33
  Speaker 3: pretty awesome. I've been a forty nine Ers fan my
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 3: whole life.
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 1: That's very cool. What is your go to piece of
• 1:07:40
  Speaker 1: relationship advice? Even if it's like a saying a mantra,
• 1:07:43
  Speaker 1: something that comes into your head often.
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 4: I like just telling people to make their own rules.
• 1:07:51
  Speaker 4: I think maybe we're similar in this way, like I
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 4: don't like this idea of all these rules that were
• 1:07:56
  Speaker 4: supposed to follow, and you know, we are all so unique.
• 1:07:59
  Speaker 4: There are eight billion of us. There's no rule that's
• 1:08:02
  Speaker 4: going to work for everybody. So I think it's so
• 1:08:04
  Speaker 4: much more fun and exciting and feel so much more
• 1:08:08
  Speaker 4: personal when you take the time to think about, like,
• 1:08:11
  Speaker 4: what are the rules that I want to live my
• 1:08:13
  Speaker 4: life by.
• 1:08:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I would Mine would be like a variation of that,
• 1:08:17
  Speaker 3: which is just the question everything like obviously everything.
• 1:08:21
  Speaker 1: Cratic, thank you very much, standard for my.
• 1:08:23
  Speaker 3: Club perfect but yeah, I mean like everything she said, like, yeah,
• 1:08:28
  Speaker 3: you should question all those things. But for me, a
• 1:08:30
  Speaker 3: lot of it was like just questioning the ways that
• 1:08:33
  Speaker 3: I've been socialized, like as a guy of like, oh,
• 1:08:36
  Speaker 3: like I'm supposed to know how to do everything, Like
• 1:08:38
  Speaker 3: I'm not supposed to know how to do everything, Like
• 1:08:40
  Speaker 3: I'm allowed to ask for help, I'm allowed to get
• 1:08:43
  Speaker 3: curious about stuff. I'm allowed to say I don't know
• 1:08:46
  Speaker 3: the answer. So I think that that's super powerful for me.
• 1:08:50
  Speaker 1: I've actually been thinking about that a lot. I heard
• 1:08:52
  Speaker 1: somebody say curiosity over criticism, and so every time I
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 1: feel that ping of like I don't like that, I
• 1:08:59
  Speaker 1: try and which it to curiosity.
• 1:09:02
  Speaker 4: Yeah, curiosity is one of my favorite words.
• 1:09:04
  Speaker 3: And I think that there's there's there's a power in
• 1:09:07
  Speaker 3: being able to say that you don't know the answer
• 1:09:10
  Speaker 3: to something. I think that's that's been one of the
• 1:09:13
  Speaker 3: huge life changing things for me is like, for so
• 1:09:17
  Speaker 3: much of my life I was, you know, taught and
• 1:09:20
  Speaker 3: socialized that, like my value is being competent in things,
• 1:09:24
  Speaker 3: and but then the reality is, no matter how competent
• 1:09:26
  Speaker 3: you are, you're going to run into issues that you
• 1:09:29
  Speaker 3: just don't know how to deal with. And being able
• 1:09:31
  Speaker 3: to just say, I don't know, curious what other people think,
• 1:09:35
  Speaker 3: I need to get some help, I need to get
• 1:09:37
  Speaker 3: some advice that it's so freeing and then it's like
• 1:09:40
  Speaker 3: it takes the pressure off of you too.
• 1:09:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, what is Vanessa? You're gonna like this because of
• 1:09:47
  Speaker 1: the complement aspect? But what is something the other person's
• 1:09:50
  Speaker 1: really good at that you don't tell them often enough?
• 1:09:55
  Speaker 4: Xander is really I tell you this often, but he's
• 1:09:58
  Speaker 4: really good at making me laugh. And I think that's
• 1:10:01
  Speaker 4: one of my favorite things about our relationship is just
• 1:10:04
  Speaker 4: how much laughter there is with each other. I think
• 1:10:06
  Speaker 4: it's it's very easy for life to feel serious and
• 1:10:11
  Speaker 4: heavy and hard, and I love that in our relationship
• 1:10:15
  Speaker 4: we can be so playful and funny with each other.
• 1:10:18
  Speaker 4: And some of my favorite memories with Xander are just
• 1:10:21
  Speaker 4: the most ridiculous, stupidest things. But I love the way
• 1:10:24
  Speaker 4: that he makes me laugh.
• 1:10:26
  Speaker 3: I love how thoughtful Vanessa is. She's so thoughtful when
• 1:10:30
  Speaker 3: it comes to like giving gifts, even though I don't
• 1:10:33
  Speaker 3: remember what they are, She's really thoughtful with giving gifts
• 1:10:38
  Speaker 3: to other people. Like she's always thinking about like, oh,
• 1:10:42
  Speaker 3: what would be a good gift for this person, or
• 1:10:44
  Speaker 3: like what would be a good compliment for this person.
• 1:10:47
  Speaker 3: Like she's incredible with all you know, like all of
• 1:10:50
  Speaker 3: our team members in calling out areas that they're doing
• 1:10:53
  Speaker 3: great job, and just like, yeah, I think she's just
• 1:10:57
  Speaker 3: really thoughtful and good at anticipating, like you know, what
• 1:11:00
  Speaker 3: someone might need or what someone might want to hear.
• 1:11:03
  Speaker 1: That's so kind. Oh she got happy you saw that.
• 1:11:10
  Speaker 4: That was cute. Okay.
• 1:11:12
  Speaker 1: The last quick ones are what is a book that
• 1:11:14
  Speaker 1: changed your life that everybody should read?
• 1:11:17
  Speaker 4: Can I say our book? Writing it? I mean, seriously,
• 1:11:21
  Speaker 4: writing our book changed my life, Like we had a
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 4: lot of conversations in the process of writing it that
• 1:11:26
  Speaker 4: we'd never had before, and it just was a truly
• 1:11:31
  Speaker 4: life changing processes sex talks. But I'll share another one
• 1:11:34
  Speaker 4: as well, I'm going to go with a fiction book
• 1:11:36
  Speaker 4: since I since Sex Talks is nonfiction. I love this
• 1:11:39
  Speaker 4: book called Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Mauritia Pessel.
• 1:11:44
  Speaker 4: It's just the it's written in a very interesting way.
• 1:11:48
  Speaker 4: It's not like a just a straightforward, you know, non
• 1:11:52
  Speaker 4: fiction story. There's all sorts of little twists and turns
• 1:11:55
  Speaker 4: and illustrations and notes and stuff like that. Just like
• 1:12:00
  Speaker 4: that book more so than maybe any other book I've read,
• 1:12:03
  Speaker 4: just delighted me in reading it, so I thought it
• 1:12:06
  Speaker 4: was a very fun experience.
• 1:12:08
  Speaker 3: All right, I'll give two because Vanessa did one like practical.
• 1:12:13
  Speaker 3: One is practical, and one is impractical, and neither is
• 1:12:15
  Speaker 3: our book. So the impractical I love. I love science fiction.
• 1:12:20
  Speaker 3: I just like how science fiction gets me thinking about
• 1:12:24
  Speaker 3: things of like, oh, what could things be like in
• 1:12:27
  Speaker 3: the future if this happened or if that happened. So
• 1:12:29
  Speaker 3: my favorite sci fi is the Mars Trilogy by Kim
• 1:12:34
  Speaker 3: Stanley Robinson. I can just read that book, those books
• 1:12:38
  Speaker 3: over and over and always gives me something to think about.
• 1:12:40
  Speaker 3: And then in a more practical sense, I really loved
• 1:12:44
  Speaker 3: Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, just the idea of like
• 1:12:49
  Speaker 3: how inspiration and how ideas come to you and sort
• 1:12:53
  Speaker 3: of like ideas and intuition, and that really helped me
• 1:12:57
  Speaker 3: sort of with reefing my mindset around creativity. I used
• 1:13:02
  Speaker 3: to think that I wasn't really a creative person, and
• 1:13:04
  Speaker 3: that book totally changed that around for me and made
• 1:13:07
  Speaker 3: me realize, Oh, no, I am creative. It's just a
• 1:13:09
  Speaker 3: matter of inviting the creative ideas to stay with me.
• 1:13:14
  Speaker 1: I have to tell you how much I appreciate that,
• 1:13:17
  Speaker 1: because I read something the other day about how women
• 1:13:20
  Speaker 1: are interested in everybody and men are interested in stories
• 1:13:23
  Speaker 1: from other men. And the fact that you would read
• 1:13:26
  Speaker 1: a story written by Elizabeth Gilbert, who is like very feminine,
• 1:13:32
  Speaker 1: is so beautiful and I cannot like thank you and
• 1:13:36
  Speaker 1: affirm you enough for that.
• 1:13:37
  Speaker 3: That's very all things.
• 1:13:40
  Speaker 1: Okay, I do question everything. Card, So you guys tell
• 1:13:44
  Speaker 1: me when to stop stop? Ooh, what game have you
• 1:13:50
  Speaker 1: spent the most hours playing?
• 1:13:53
  Speaker 4: Oh? Probably for me, rem a Cube. But my family
• 1:13:58
  Speaker 4: is obsessed with Rumaque and they're scary good at it too.
• 1:14:03
  Speaker 4: Like it's a simple game. It's a very simple game, but.
• 1:14:06
  Speaker 3: It's not simple when you're done with her family, Yeah,
• 1:14:11
  Speaker 3: when you're playing with experts.
• 1:14:13
  Speaker 4: I have a lot of good memories of some savage
• 1:14:16
  Speaker 4: games around the cube, so probably.
• 1:14:18
  Speaker 3: That for me, probably Monopoly. I played Monopoly a lot
• 1:14:22
  Speaker 3: when I was a kid, and everyone knows Monopoly games
• 1:14:25
  Speaker 3: can go on for days.
• 1:14:27
  Speaker 1: They can't. You have to like stop and say we're
• 1:14:29
  Speaker 1: going to eat dinner, We'll come back.
• 1:14:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, it's a problem when people are getting
• 1:14:33
  Speaker 3: like loans from the bank and stuff like that. It's like,
• 1:14:35
  Speaker 3: all right, come on.
• 1:14:38
  Speaker 1: So I ask everybody this at the end, and it's
• 1:14:40
  Speaker 1: intentionally broad. So whatever comes to your mind, what is
• 1:14:43
  Speaker 1: the smartest decision you've ever made?
• 1:14:46
  Speaker 4: Marrying you? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, I feel like I got
• 1:14:53
  Speaker 4: really freaking lucky. And we've had tough times and we've
• 1:14:57
  Speaker 4: had great times together. But I you know, a lot
• 1:15:00
  Speaker 4: of times people ask me like, how did you know
• 1:15:02
  Speaker 4: that he was the one? How did you know you
• 1:15:05
  Speaker 4: wanted to get married? And I think what came up
• 1:15:07
  Speaker 4: for me was like I just knew I wanted to
• 1:15:09
  Speaker 4: do life with him. I knew life was going to
• 1:15:11
  Speaker 4: get hard and things would you know, tough stuff would
• 1:15:14
  Speaker 4: come up, But I couldn't think of a better person
• 1:15:16
  Speaker 4: that I would want to go through the roller coaster
• 1:15:18
  Speaker 4: of life with.
• 1:15:19
  Speaker 3: Than Xander, So I one hundred percent agree with her.
• 1:15:22
  Speaker 3: I was going to say the same thing, but I
• 1:15:23
  Speaker 3: will I will say as well. It was it was
• 1:15:26
  Speaker 3: joining the business in like a fifty to fifty capacity
• 1:15:30
  Speaker 3: that was the best decision I ever made. It was
• 1:15:32
  Speaker 3: something I grappled with for a very long time because
• 1:15:35
  Speaker 3: I had my own fears around, like oh, well, like
• 1:15:37
  Speaker 3: what does it mean to be working with your partner
• 1:15:40
  Speaker 3: or what if could you know? Before I'd been through
• 1:15:42
  Speaker 3: a lot of jobs and it had gotten burned out
• 1:15:44
  Speaker 3: on jobs and was scared of like, oh well, what
• 1:15:46
  Speaker 3: would it mean what if the same thing happens here?
• 1:15:48
  Speaker 3: And how can you like quit quit a job that
• 1:15:51
  Speaker 3: is your partner's business. But yeah, I worked through all
• 1:15:55
  Speaker 3: those fears that I could not be happier with what
• 1:15:57
  Speaker 3: we do together. It's pretty incredible.
• 1:16:00
  Speaker 1: You're bringing so much great stuff into the world together.
• 1:16:02
  Speaker 1: So thank you for your time. I'm so glad you
• 1:16:05
  Speaker 1: joined forces too. I want to thank the people that
• 1:16:13
  Speaker 1: make this show possible. Colleen O'Neill, Jill Salama, Karrie O'Keefe,
• 1:16:17
  Speaker 1: and Phil speed Tech. Okay, you know what time it is.
• 1:16:21
  Speaker 1: Today's a good day to have a good day. I'll
• 1:16:24
  Speaker 1: see you next week.