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Wondering Whether to Stay or Leave? 5 Indicators You Might Want to Stay. · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the World Tree people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Today is answering that seemingly unanswerable question: should I stay or should I leave?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Stay or leave five indicators that you perhaps should stay.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now all relationships go through seasons, summer and spring sort of seasons where it's all lovely sunshine and growth and newness and reinvention and expansion, and also the harder, darker, heavier seasons where things are shared and stripped back, a little more bleak, a little a little cold, winter, autumn.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so it can be hard to know if you're just in a wintery season of your relationship, or it's really the doom and gloom of an ending.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's just a season or whether it really is or needs to be the end.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: So here are five indicators that you should consider weathering the season and stay.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Reason number one: there is healthy conflict.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: There is healthy conflict.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy, happy relationship is not devoid of conflict.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: It is one where you are both, both committed to moving through conflict in healthy ways to a resolution.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Not one wins, one loses, not a blow-up where someone storms off, shuts down, becomes flooded, overloaded, stone walls, criticizes, and the issue is never resolved but comes up cyclically.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: A cycle of engage, explode, retreat, silence, ignore, repeat, right?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Not that.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Indicator number two that you should potentially consider staying when you are feeling challenged in your relationship.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Number two is you can have the hard conversations.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you haven't yet, download my free guide to having courageous, compassionate conversations.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's scripts done for you five ways to kickstart compassionate, courageous conversations.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'll drop a link in the show notes and do go back and listen to early episodes about conflict and having hard conversations.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: A really powerful indicator that your relationship can weather a season that is hard or cold is that you can have the hard conversations.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not having hard conversations, it's likely that one or both of you is pushing things down, burying, silencing, minimizing, or afraid to raise your voice for fear of the relationship ending, of being not being able to repair after an argument, of not being heat heard, heed, of not being heard or seen in the conversation.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: When that happens, anger, resentment, bitterness, frustration all build.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're not having hard conversations or any conversations other than surface level, can you walk the dog or who's picking up the takeaway or the kids from soccer training, if you're not having any conversation at all, that's a problem.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy relationships require each of you to show up for the hard conversations and to be in the conversation together because without these hard conversations, there's no change, there's no forward momentum, there's no growth, and none of none of us stays the same, right?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Conversation, open, honest conversation about what we think, what we feel, what we believe, what we dream of, what we hope for, they're really the key to solid, happy relationships, right?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And also moving through conflict in healthy ways requires us to have the hard conversations.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're not having hard conversations, you don't know how to have hard conversations, there's a there's an opportunity.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: There's an opportunity to build out your skill at being in relationship as a couple, right?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Having hard conversations.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: The third indicator that you should stay, consider staying, is that you're on the same team.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: You operate as a team.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: You believe, you both believe, and you operate in a way that means you are on the same side.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: You will operate as a team, and you are each other's biggest fan, biggest supporter, biggest cheerleader.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Even if what your partner is doing doesn't really light you up, you can cheer them on because it's important to them.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Even if your partner's interests or activities don't particularly excite you, you can still cheer them on, you can still support them in the pursuit of what they love to do because their happiness is important to you.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a team, there's really no room for jealousy or competition, no one-upmanship, no rivalry.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Growth and success of each of you is not seen as a threat or something to be thwarted or beaten down, but it is celebrated.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: So you are each other's biggest cheerleader, supporter, and celebrator.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: You both thrive on each other's successes and achievements, understanding that one person's you know, victory or win celebration is one for the team.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: You don't sabotage each other, you don't undermine each other, you are genuinely happy for your partner's success, and they are happy genuinely for your success.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're fully invested in each other and each other's success, well-being, and happiness.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And you being on the same side means that you support each other unconditionally and you work together toward common goals.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: You are each other's biggest fan, celebrating the successes and also being there to pick up the pieces, soothing, supporting, comforting in the harder moments during the tough times.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's mutual support, and mutual means it goes both ways, right?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: You are a team, you're also a united front.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: It is the two of you versus the rest of everybody else.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: The two of you versus the world.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: You present a united front to the world, and you are actually a united front.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just show.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: You tackle things together, you make decisions as a cohesive unit.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: There's a sense of solidarity that strengthens your relationship and fosters deep trust and reliability.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know you've got each other's back.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Being a team means that you're invested first and foremost in the relationship, in each other.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And this can be hard when all of the external pressures are on you, and even harder if you're someone who's repartned after separation, divorce, when it's a second relationship, when you're building after divorce and you've both got kids and you've both got exes and all the things, but the team of the two of you is really vital to the success of a relationship and subsequent relationship.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to find ways to build and hold space for each other in the midst of all the outside pressures, all the stuff.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: You are a team, you're on the same side.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Reason number four is that there is equal room for both of you.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Neither one of you is more important.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: The hopes, dreams, thoughts, ideas, feelings, values, beliefs that you have are equally valued, equally seen, equally shared, equally important.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: There is room for both of you and for all of you.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: All of you is welcome in the relationship, even the messy shadow parts.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: You can bring and be all of who you are without fear, without judgment.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: If the themes in this episode are resonating with you, if it's bringing up things that you would like to explore on a deeper level with me, you can book a free intro call via the link in the show notes and we can discuss coaching options.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to support you.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And now back to this week's episode.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: There is room for both of you to have hopes and dreams.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: There is room for both of you when it comes to ideas and thoughts.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: There are room, there's room for both of you when it comes to making the big decisions.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: In a healthy relationship, both partners feel empowered to openly share and actively pursue ambitions, goals, whether they're personal, career, relationship, relational, whatever.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy relationship involves each of you listening actively to the other's hopes and dreams, aspirations, and offering encouragement and support, being on the same team.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: There's room for both of you to dream big, and that's really openly encouraged.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's not one at the expense of the other.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, again, there's seasons for that, right?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Seasons where something's more important than the other, some things take priority, but it's not always one way.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: And there's room for both of you when it comes to ideas and thoughts.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Open communication, key to a healthy relationship.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'll bang on about it forever and ever.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Each partner feels comfortable expressing their thoughts, their opinions, their ideas without fear of judgment or being shut down or minimized.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, respectful dialogue allows for growth and understanding between partners.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: So bringing your ideas, bringing your thoughts, there's room for both of you to have that.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: There's also room for both of you when it comes to the way you spend your time.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: How you spend your time in the household, how you spend your time out of the household, who's doing what, who's doing how much.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: There is room for both of you to have a little bit of what you want and what you need.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's not all one way, it's not all him, it's not all her, it's not all your way, it's not all their way.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's room for both of you when it comes to how you spend your time.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: There's room for both of you to actively parent, as well as room for both of you to actively rest or choose to spend out some time outside the home with friends.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: There is room for both of you.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And often what I see is that one person holds all of this while the other is free to choose exactly how they spend their leisure time.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's not healthy and it's likely to build resentment, breed frustration, and anger lead to disconnect.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: In a healthy relationship, you both need room for time together as well as time apart.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: You both need the opportunity to choose how you spend your time.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: And this, of course, requires clear, open communication, the ability to have hard conversations in healthy ways, to navigate difference, to find win-win solutions together.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: And the fifth indicator that you might want to consider staying when you're in a hard season is that you both hold your relationship gently.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: You hold your relationship with kindness, love, compassion, and with gent and with gentleness, with care, with reverence.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: You hold it gently and you don't clutch at it, you don't grasp at it, you don't try and control it, you don't try and push it away and put it over there.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: You don't fear losing it, so you don't need to hold on so tightly that you stifle it.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: You treat it with reverence so you put into it, you invest in it, you hold it with care, you hold it with gentleness, and you invest in it.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to hang on tight, or your partner doesn't need to hang on so tightly because you both know it's safe.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's deep mutual trust and a deep knowing that because you can do the first four things, you can have the hard conversations, you can engage in and move through conflict in healthy ways, that you're a team and each other's biggest fan, fiercest, fiercest ally, um, and that there is room for all of you, all of your hopes, your dreams, your feelings, your ideas, for all of you, for both of you, that there's no need to hold on fiercely.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's mutual respect and trust and a mutual shared responsibility for the relationship, that each of you will allow space and freedom to grow and still be there for one another.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Each of you is tending the relationship.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Each of you is tending the relationship.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: There's space to move away from each other because you are each one another's safest place to land.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if we're talking attachment, which we have been in earlier episodes of the podcast, this is a powerful indicator.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: You are both able to create emotional safety for each other, knowing you will be there, knowing it's emotionally safe to venture out, to do hard things, to spend time alone, and still come back, come home to each other.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's freedom and fluidity and deep emotional safety.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I guess the flip side of this is if one or more of these five things are lacking in your relationship, the question becomes do you have the willingness and the capacity?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I when I say you, I mean you as a couple, not you the individual, because it takes two, do you have the capacity, the willingness, the ability to learn to do this, to expand into the gaps, or are you done?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I'm gonna say if you'd like to explore how working with me can help you expand more fully into these capacities, regardless of what you choose, whether you choose to stay or leave, let's have a chat.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Book a free intro call via the link in the show notes.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have anything to lose by chatting to me about your next best steps, and I don't want you to stay ruminating for any longer than you already have.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: So the five indicators that you might want to consider weathering the season of your relationship if it's not looking or feeling the way you want it to feel is there's healthy conflict, but you both know how to navigate through health through conflict in healthy ways.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: You can repair after conflict and you come out stronger and more connected.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: You can have the hard conversations, you can raise difficult topics without fear, you can have the hard conversations, you know you're on the same side.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: You operate as a team, you have operated as a team, even if this is a season where that's not happening quite so much.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: And there's room for both of you.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: There is room for both of you to bring all of who you are, everything is welcome.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: There's room for both of you, and you both tend the relationship, you both hold it gently and reverently and care for it.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's not one or the other of you doing all of the work in and on the relationship.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who this episode would help and support, please share it with them.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, rate, review the podcast.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Helps us get it in the ears of anyone else who needs to hear it.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.