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Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Daily Podcast - Right Relationships are Always More Important than Being Right, Part 2 · On-Demand Player

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Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
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What's behind the conflict in your relationships?
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Whether it's a co -worker, a spouse, one of your
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kids, a friend. I mean, when things aren't going
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right, what's at the core and how do you change
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it? Stick around. That's today on Living on the
0:29
Edge. I'm Dave Drewy, and this is Living on the
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Edge with Chip Ingram. We're nearing the end
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of a series called Caring Enough to Connect,
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Building Bridges to Those We Love. And today,
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Chip opens the Bible to Colossians chapter 3
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to unpack a principle that can diffuse almost
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any conflict you're facing, whether it's with
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a co -worker, a friend, or even your closest
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family member. What he shares is as simple as
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it is convicting, especially when someone has
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genuinely wronged you and forgiveness feels like
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the last thing you want to give. So let's join
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Chip Ingram with his message titled, Right Relationships
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Are Always More Important Than Being Right. My
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principle for you all is that right relationships
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are always more important than being right. And
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my little disclaimer here, I'm not talking about
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moral issues. I'm not talking about theological
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issues. The issues are about your perspective,
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your circumstances, your rights, your opinion
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being the way versus the other person. So you
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get that? Open, if you would, to Colossians chapter
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three. There's a great context. I wanna give
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a little running start to this one. And in verse
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12, then he says, so then, put on a heart of
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compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and
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patience, bearing with one another and forgiving
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each other whoever has a complaint against anyone.
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That's pretty broad, isn't it? Just as the Lord
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forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all
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these things that I've listed, compassion, kindness,
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humility, gentleness, patience, and bearing with
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one another, put on love, which is the perfect
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bond of unity. And what the Apostle Paul is saying
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is, you know what? Right relationships really
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do matter more than being right. But the only
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way you can live that way is if you know you're
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chosen by God. You are holy and you're dearly
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loved. Now, out of... what you've already received.
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Now he's going to talk very specifically about
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how do you treat people? He says, put on a heart
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of compassion. I'm going to put on a heart of
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compassion and kindness. I'm going to put their
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needs ahead of my own. And in this certain situation,
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you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to allow
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my rights to be under control to meet the need
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of someone else. I'm going to be considerate.
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And in case you didn't understand what he really
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meant and how specific he wanted to be, after
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the word patience, he says, bearing with one
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another. And this is actually the faults and
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idiosyncrasies of people. And then it goes beyond
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that and says, forgiving each other, whoever
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has a complaint against anyone. How would you
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like to work at a place or how would you like
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to be in a family where there was a commitment
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by supernatural power that people said, you know
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what? I'm going to put on a heart of compassion.
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kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
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And then, and notice honestly, then he says,
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forgiving them. The word means to release, means
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to let go. Notice the motivation. Just as God
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has forgiven you. I think forgiveness is the
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hardest thing to do in the Christian life. I
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could be wrong. I mean, when you've really been
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wounded, when it really is selfish, when it really
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is unjust, when someone has really done something
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bad to you, and what do you want? You want what
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I want. I want justice, except for when it comes
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to how I want God to deal with me, right? I mean,
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she walked out on her husband. You know, they
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took credit for that. They used our idea and
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then they copyrighted it before we could, that
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is, we're gonna sue their pants off. We're gonna,
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we're gonna, we're gonna, justice, justice, justice.
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And yet the fact of the matter is, the command
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is, God wants me relationally to extend to others
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what has been extended to me. And I will tell
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you that the older I get, the more I get so overwhelmed.
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God, I don't want justice, please. God, if you
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give me justice, oh my. You know, I see things
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in my heart and I, you know, even I can look
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back and think, you know, maybe 20 years ago,
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I thought my motives were right. But boy, looking
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back now, man, that was, you were just one arrogant
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idiot. And boy, I don't want God to deal with
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me that way. And it has been the most profound
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motivation in my life to say, Lord, I am willing
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to let go of my vengeance and lack of forgiveness
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and extend mercy because I certainly do not want
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you to treat me the way that I want them to be
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treated. And notice here, it's just whoever has
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a complaint against anyone. And then if that's
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not enough, I don't know about you, but those
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are pretty strong words to justify the principle
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that right relationships are more important than
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being right. And I will say, you've grown up
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in a world, by the way, American culture. Your
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rights are what matter. You have a right to that.
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I mean, you have been brainwashed to believe
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that you are so the center of the universe that
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you better defend your rights. And so our knee
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-jerk reaction to almost any relational conflict
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is to exert our personal rights. But you know
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what? If you're really significant so much so
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that you're chosen by God, And if you're so accepted
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by him that you're holy and without blame, and
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if you're so dearly loved that you're the object
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is of affection, that you must be secure. You
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know something? All that piddly stuff about who
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gets the parking spot and who goes through the
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light or whether they were there at 4 .30 or
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4 .35 or... you know, door B or door A, or whether
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dinner was supposed to be at this time or that
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time, or whether we agreed on spending money
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this way or that way. You need to talk all those
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things through. But you know, most marriages
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that I've talked to, and I've done tons of counseling,
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unfortunately, and lots of them have ended in
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divorce. When I try and say, now, what was this
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argument about? What was this really about? I
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mean, it's amazing. They can't even remember.
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They can't even remember what was it that started
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it. But I will tell you what started it was a
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very small thing and where two fleshly people
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like me and like you begin to exert their rights.
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And then what do we do? It's like throwing a
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little grenade over the wall and there's a little
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explosion and that hurts the person. So they
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get hurt and they throw a little bit bigger grenade
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over the wall and that hurts them. So they get
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a bazooka out and they shoot the bazooka over
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the wall. And so then you bring a tank and then
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pretty soon there's damage everywhere. because
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everyone has exerted their rights instead of
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saying, you know something, whether it was door
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A or door B, probably a great relationship with
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my kids will matter more long -term than what
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time I pick them up. And whether supper was at
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this time or that time, or you know what, it
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does bug me, and you know, I need to go through
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the right process, but you know, whether that
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person in the company got credit for my idea
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or whether I get credit for it, you know, God
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probably understands all that. And he'll probably
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smile more on a great, loving, godly response.
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And I'll trust him to promote me more than the
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office politics. And what that does is it gives
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you an incredible perspective and a power to
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relate differently to people. And I think that's
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what it means to be a real disciple, a Romans
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12 Christian. And then if you wonder, well, Gosh,
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how do you know when it's resolved? How do you
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know if you're in the right spot? Look at verse
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15. It says, let the peace of Christ rule in
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your hearts to which indeed you were called into
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one body and be thankful. The word peace, he
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says, you know, why do we do all this? Forgive
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just as we have been forgiven. Beyond all these
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things, put on love, which is what? The perfect
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bond of unity. What's the idea here? We belong
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to one another in the body of Christ, loving
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each other and putting up with stuff so that
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we genuinely have right relationships is more
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important than my rights. And then he goes on
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to say, let the peace of Christ rule in your
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hearts. Literally, the word rule is act as an
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umpire, an arbitrator. If you're not sure, when
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you don't have peace in relationship with another
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person, it says, let the Holy Spirit, you know,
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that lack of peace say, you know something, maybe
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you need to make something right with someone.
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And all you may need to do is forgive them. Or
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maybe you need to apologize. Or maybe you need
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to write them a note. But it says, let the peace
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of Christ act as an arbitrator. And then notice
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this little command because it's going to get
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repeated. And be thankful. See, sometimes we
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go through this and we start becoming the martyr.
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I did the right thing. I'm not going to hang
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on to my rights. And boy, I'll tell you what,
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this situation sure stinks. And we get this grumbling,
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complaining, whining attitude instead of thank
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you, Lord. And you say, well, why should I thank
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God? Because conflict, as we'll see in just a
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second, is not an exception in a fallen world.
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It's predictable and it's normal. And God has
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allowed conflict. sovereignly to come into your
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life and my life to do one of two things. Either
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help me learn something about me that I need
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to learn to grow and become more like Christ,
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or help me learn to love someone who's unlovable
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so I can become more like Christ and they can
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receive Christ's love. You're listening to Living
9:49
on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and we'll get back
9:52
to today's message in just a moment. But first,
9:55
did you know you can actually watch Chip teach,
9:57
not just hear him? Just get on YouTube, search
10:00
for Chip Ingram, and hit subscribe to his channel.
10:03
There you'll find full video versions of his
10:06
Bible teachings, along with entire series on
10:09
marriage, parenting, leadership, and a whole
10:11
lot more. Ready to watch whenever it works for
10:14
your schedule. All right, now back to our message.
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So let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts
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and be thankful. And then where do you get the
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resources? How do you do this? How could anyone
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live out? These are supernatural. type attitudes.
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Well, let the word of Christ richly dwell within
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you. And what's the basis then of how you relate
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to one another? With all wisdom, that's God giving
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you, doing relationships his way, with all wisdom,
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teaching and admonishing one another with psalms
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and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness
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in your, again, hearts to God. It's about the
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right relationship matters more than my own little
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turf and me getting my way. Whatever you do,
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I mean, just in case, I mean, just in case, Colossian
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Christians, you didn't quite get the point. Whatever
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you do, in word or in deed, which covers just
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about life, doesn't it? Do all in the name of
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the Lord Jesus. Well, what's the other option?
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All in the name of getting your rights. All in
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the name of justifying yourself. All in the name
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that people need to know the real story. All
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in the name of, about me. Whatever you do in
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word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord
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Jesus. And then notice the third repetition.
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And by the way, it's a command. Giving thanks
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through him to God the Father. I think this is
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one of the strongest relational passages in all
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of the New Testament. And I think what it really
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says to us is, when I get violated and when I
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struggle and when life's unfair and when I'm
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that person at the coffee shop or in the park
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or at the mall pouring out my side of the story,
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I need to remember that right relationships on
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things that are not theological, on things that
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aren't moral, are way more important than my
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rights. I'm going to give you three practical
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ways to put this into practice. Number one is
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refuse to see conflict as negative. Instead,
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embrace conflict as God's tutor for learning
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and or loving others. I think a lot of us have
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just, we've been ingrained. Conflict's bad, conflict's
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wrong. Oh, we got a problem, there's conflict.
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What are we gonna do? It's terrible. It's not
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terrible. I mean, if you think it's terrible,
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then life's gonna be terrible. You're gonna have
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conflict with your roommate. You're gonna have
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conflict with your mate. You're gonna have conflict
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if you have kids. You're gonna have conflict
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with your grandkids. You're gonna have conflict
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with your boss. You're gonna have conflict everywhere.
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But if you unconsciously see conflict is bad
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and negative, then boy, you are set up for being
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a defensive person. Conflict is normal in a fallen
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world. So choose, instead of seeing conflict
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as negative, see it as God's tutor. I mean, doesn't
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everyone want a coach? God said, well, I have
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a tutor. I have a personal coach. I have a way
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that every day of your life, I'm going to provide
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sovereignly ordained and allowed opportunities
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to help you learn to become more like me. And
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since it's a body, I'm going to use you to help
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other people experience my love. What's it mean
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to love someone? Love is giving another person
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what they need the most when they deserve it
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the least at great personal cost. I don't want
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to do that, but that's what Jesus did for me.
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So conflict, rather than saying is negative,
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it's my tutor, it's my coach, it's my teacher.
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Now I've got a conflict situation. My first thought
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is, oh, I'm threatened. I'm fearful. What's going
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to happen to me about my security? What about
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my significance? And will I be accepted? Will
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I be rejected? What if I'm on the outside after
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this happens? What if this person leaves me?
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What about, what about, what? I am chosen. I
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am holy. I'm already dearly loved. There's not
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a job, a circumstance, or a person on the face
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of the earth that has the power to make or break
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my life or yours. No one has the power to ruin
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your life that you don't let them. A mate can't,
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a kid can't, a grandparent can't, an organization,
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no one can ruin your life. You are chosen, you
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are holy, and you are dearly loved. And you're
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on your way to heaven. You can have a few bumps
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in the road, but no one has the power to ruin
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your life that you don't let. And so do you say
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to yourself, well, wow, I guess God's gonna teach
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me through this conflict about seeing something
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in me that I guess I didn't see before that he
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wants to change. Because I don't know about you,
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I don't wake up and say, I don't read my Bible
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in the morning and wake up and say, oh, wow,
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I see a major area in my life I just think I'm
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going to change. Everyone's seen it for 20 years
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and it's a blind spot and I've never seen it,
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but yippee, I see it today and I'm going to.
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Every major change that's happened in my life
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has been that major change that needed to happen.
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I ran head on to someone else's major change
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that needed to happen. And it was in that conflict
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I saw stuff in me that I didn't want to see.
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But I got to see it to the point where it was
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so undeniable, I came out of my denial and realized,
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God wants to deal with that shit. You need to
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come to me. You need to repent. And conflict
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is a tool in his hands to help you, to help me.
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And the other is, conflict has been a tutor where
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there are times, I think, That I've actually
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given someone what they don't deserve or had
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some gentleness and some humility and some compassion
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and some forgiveness that actually worked in
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someone's life whose life wasn't going very well.
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And I can look back five or 10 years later and
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say, I got to be an instrument of grace. And
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I will tell you, I can list the people on my
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hand who in conflict have forgiven me and loved
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me and believed in me when I didn't deserve it.
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And they were an instrument of grace. So, you
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know, practice number one is refuse to see conflict
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as negative. Instead, embrace. Notice I didn't
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say tolerate. Embrace conflict as God's tutor
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for learning and for loving others. The second
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practice is be willing to own 50 % more of any
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problem in a relationship than you think is fair.
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That sounds crazy, but I mean, I literally, I'm
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like big on this. I've had lots of conflicts.
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That's probably not a really good testimony,
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but it's true. I've had lots of conflicts and
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I have strong opinions and I have a strong personality,
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which none of you probably could attest to. And
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what I've just, you know, I never did this before,
16:28
but I always wanted to get it. You know, man,
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I mean, I think maybe I've got 49 .87 % of this,
16:34
but over 50 % is this guy's, you know? And what
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I realized is I always have huge levels of denial.
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And everyone does. And when I found out, I just
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thought, okay, you know what? I'm gonna assume
16:46
over 50 % of the problem. I mean, I can argue
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and have division over, now, did we say 5 .30
16:52
or six o 'clock dinner? Now, did you say we were
16:54
gonna do this or do that? Did you say the budget
16:56
was gonna be X dollars or X dollars? You can
16:58
work out the details, but just assume 50 % more
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of the blame than in your heart of hearts you
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think you deserve and say, you know what? God's
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bigger than this. And the more that I have learned
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to do that, Because what we're afraid of is,
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at the heart of it, it's an arrogance issue.
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We're so afraid that someone's gonna think less
17:17
of us, that our reputation is gonna be decreased.
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And what we're constantly trying to protect is
17:21
our image and our reputation. Rather than saying,
17:24
you know what, if God knows the truth, I'm not
17:26
sure of the truth, why not just step up and say,
17:28
you know, I thought this was my fault and my
17:30
heart of hearts before God. I'm gonna go ahead
17:32
and take another step. I'm gonna own this much.
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Will you forgive me for this? And will you forgive
17:37
me for this as well? I'm gonna own mine. And
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you know what that does? It is amazing how that
17:43
melts conflict. Because down deep, people have
17:46
a pretty intuitive sense of probably what they
17:50
own. And when someone is willing to take the
17:53
step across the line to own more, and you know,
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sometimes I probably think I'm owning more and
17:58
probably I'm just right. You know, it really
18:00
is a good 50%. But I'm hoping it's like it's
18:03
only 35 % and I'm giving about 15 % grace. But
18:07
when you do that, I'm amazed that people can
18:09
kind of see and they'll just basically say, you
18:11
know something, I'm not gonna go there either.
18:15
And what happens is the right relationship gets
18:19
to be the priority instead of who's right. The
18:22
final practice that's been very helpful over
18:24
the years is ask yourself, why is it so important
18:27
to be proven right or to get your way in a situation?
18:30
I don't like to ask that question, but what I
18:32
found is with my wife and my kids and issues,
18:35
I just found out, what is it? What is this little
18:39
energizer bunny in Chip Ingram? I gotta be right,
18:41
I gotta be right, I gotta be right, I gotta be
18:42
right, I gotta be right. At the heart of it is,
18:45
I must not believe I'm really chosen. I must
18:47
not believe I'm already holy and I must not believe
18:49
I'm already dearly loved because I got to be
18:51
right to prove to me and to prove all these people,
18:53
I'm really significant. I'm really secure. I'm
18:56
really a somebody. I did all the work. You know,
18:58
I did the research. You got to know this is right.
19:01
Well, what's behind all that? Just flesh, just
19:05
ego, just pride. And what kills relationships?
19:10
Flesh, ego. Pride, when you don't care about
19:14
that. And I don't mean you don't care like your
19:16
tenant's not there. You own it reasonably. But
19:19
if you back up and say, well, you know something,
19:20
Lord? You know what's right. And I'm accepted
19:23
by you. And you know what? This little phrase
19:26
has been so helpful. I really want and desire
19:31
people's approval. But I don't need people's
19:37
approval because I have God's approval. You're
19:44
listening to Living on the Edge with a message
19:46
titled, Right relationships are always more important
19:49
than being right. Part of our series, Caring
19:52
Enough to Connect, Building Bridges to Those
19:54
We Love. If today's message struck a nerve, maybe
19:58
there's a relationship in your life that's needed
20:00
some help, you can easily revisit this lesson
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kind of grace we discussed today, choosing relationship
20:26
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reach someone who's walked away from church or
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never believed in the first place. That's the
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Beyond Reach, How to Share Jesus with the Young,
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now here's Chip Ingram. As we wrap up today's
21:32
program, We really were addressing the core behind
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conflict. And we all have conflict in relationships.
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And sometimes the conflict is the other person
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actually is doing things, saying things, acting
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in ways that are so selfish that they have the
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problem and they really ought and should change.
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But usually it's not all them. I mean, I like.
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to believe that honestly, and I know that you
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like to believe that honestly when we're in an
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argument or when we're hurt or when we're talking
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to a friend and blaming, it's all my husband's
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fault, it's all my spouse's fault. These kids,
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after all that we've done for them, look at what
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they're doing, looking how they're treating us.
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You know, my boss, my supervisor, you know, he's
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a jerk, she's a jerk. They did this, they did
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that. Does this all sound familiar? What I want
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you to know is that so much of that is rooted
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in down deep in my heart and down deep in your
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heart, with people, we have to prove that we're
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okay. We feel that we have to be right because
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if we're not right, people will think less of
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us. And we have to demonstrate that we're in
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control and we're an important person. And I
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talked in today's teaching, and this has been
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a long journey for me, but believing that I don't
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need people's approval because I have God's approval.
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Now, let me just pause for a moment. I mean,
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you let that sink into your heart in the midst
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of an awful lot of conflict that really is about
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such trivial stuff. These are principles that
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change relationships. And if you could get God's
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security and take down the walls and believe
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this truth and know that you're significant,
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you're secure, that even sometimes if it's so
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trivial, just let it go. Even if you're right,
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just let it go. When you begin to grasp that
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I don't need to win the argument because sometimes
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winning an argument means I'm losing the relationship.
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And I don't mean that you're a doormat. I don't
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mean that you just agree with someone all the
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time. But think of the conflict you're presently
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having. Think of the person that you're in conflict
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the most and think of the self -talk that you
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have and how unconsciously or consciously you
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have to prove that you are right and they are
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wrong. Could I tell you that Jesus laid down
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his rights and he didn't do it because he was
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weak. He did it because he was meek. It's called
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power. under control. It's called, I don't need
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to win this trivial little thing. It's not worth
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it because I already know who I am and who I
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am in Christ. Can I encourage you to let some
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of the little stuff go and to just give people
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the benefit of the doubt and realize, you know
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something, I think I'm going to lose this trivial
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argument on purpose and smile. and just move
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on and just see what happens. Well, next time
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Chip introduces a principle he calls chronic
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related -itis for that one relationship that
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just never seems to change. Don't miss this impactful
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lesson right here on Living on the Edge. Today's
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program is produced and sponsored by Living on
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the Edge.