Latest / WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas / 35. 14 Reflections on My 35th Birthday on Life and Grief

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35. 14 Reflections on My 35th Birthday on Life and Grief · WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I turned 35 today.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Well, at least when this podcast episode comes out.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it's weird to be celebrating today.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I say that just because my grandma just passed away a week a week ago.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: And two months before that, my boyfriend's dad.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then March of last year, my other grandfather.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's so weird to experience both life and death at the same time.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yet it's also a reminder of the importance of how short our life is.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: And the question is, are we making the most of our life by our own definition?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: So in this episode, I share 14 reflections on my 35th birthday on life and grief.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: And this episode is dedicated to both my grandmother's and my partner's dad.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: So let's drop the feet.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because our ancestors sacrificed so much so we can have this life of choice.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now, grab your coffee, tea, andor boba, and let's call your dreams to create your legacy.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: I know you're probably thinking, damn, three deaths in the past two years, Elaine?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's a lot.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: There's this Filipino saying that it comes in three, unfortunately.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: The last time this actually happened to me was in my teenage years.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: My grandfather on my dad's side, so my dad's dad, my two uncles, which happens to be my dad's two brothers.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: They all passed away two years apart.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: So within six years.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm really grateful that my grandmother, my nanang, who just recently passed last week, is now reunited with them.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: It feels weird to, I'll be honest, to be celebrating or reflecting on my birthday while at the same time, I feel like we could learn so much from those who have passed, who have transitioned.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't even planning, obviously, to do a podcast episode on grief and life.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: But hey, things line up, right?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: And as I'm recording this, my birthday is on December 1st.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: In addition to that, it is the holiday season.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: So during this time of being with loved ones and the year ending, it's natural for us to reflect.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: So here we go on the 14 reflections.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: So the first one, I shared this in my episode with five reflections from my retreat is the importance of pausing and reflecting.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: I just have to state that.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, this is a reflection episode.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: And according to the Harvard Business Review, we just do 15 minutes of reflection and increases our productivity by 23%, as well as happiness.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: We could learn so much when we pause and reflect rather than continuing to do the day-to-day because we miss out.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, wait, why am I spending all this time trying to clean my shoe and make it all light when I could just drop it off?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Those simple questions in life.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Very bigger questions, like, oh, as I'm recording this on Monday, I'm gonna go to the doctor.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I keep like, this is probably TMI.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: So my apologists, like, I feel like I can't eat certain foods because I'm perpping too much.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, I clearly need to discuss this when I have my next physical.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry, everyone.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: By the time you hear this episode, I have gone and gone to my physical to share that.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: But pausing and reflecting, okay, what's working, what's not working?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Literally in your body, me having to go to the doctor, or what's not working in your own business or career, or what can be better and easier.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I just want to share that.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Second tip.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the next couple that I'm going to be going through, it has to do with life and grief.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: The second tip is are you doing things to make others happy?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you doing it because it makes you happy?
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Being mindful, acknowledging what it is you want versus what other people want.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Mind you, it might be an alignment.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Some people may give you advice and insight.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know what?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: That sounds good.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: I might do that.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: It could be as simple as, you know what, I'm gonna get a double-double out and out.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, me too.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: As simple as that.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: So my nana, my grandma, she passed away, like I said last week at 96.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: She started smoking when she was 12 years old.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, our family has told her to stop that she's so gangster.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, she literally would roll up the tobacco leaves and tobaccos, like she would make her own cigarettes.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: When she smokes, where the light would go in, she put in her mouth.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: She's crazy.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: But I also understand that's what her generation, our culture did.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Then despite telling her that she should quit, she never quit.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: She continued doing it because she wanted to.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: That was a huge thing she has taught me, my nana, to do what you want to do.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you might relate, unfortunately, we are human.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have at least loved, I'm not saying falling in love, but people that you do love, friends or family members, you were gonna go through grief, unfortunately.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you get to see the different dynamics of what happens when grief happens.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I saw this not just with myself, but also with my boyfriend, with other people.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it was a Friday night when we found out she had to go to the hospital.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: She got my grandma had ammonia.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And the next day, I already had a trip planned to go to Santa Barbara with my boyfriend for what, four days.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, should I go?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Should I not?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: That Friday night, we were in the hospital the whole day.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: We said our goodbyes.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: It was so tough.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: It was so hard.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Thank God my six-month-old nephew was there to just lighten the mood.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Babies just could make a very tense experience just better, livelier.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's interesting.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's so close.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Then you see a baby and they're just so amazed with the world.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is this?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it's a pen.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or he was playing with my necklace.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, do I go?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Do I not go?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: But I knew if I stayed, I was doing it because of other people's expectations.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I knew if I went, that's what I wanted.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I already said my goodbyes on Friday.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: And also just a little background, my grandmother had a stroke three years ago.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And for those that have whether aging parents or aging grandparents, and something like that happens.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like I know I've talked to other friends who their grandparents have had Alzheimer's.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Something happens and they just aren't the same.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I really grieved in 2019 when she had her stroke because she just hasn't been the same.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it's been hard to go visit her because each time I would go visit her, it was like, is this my last goodbye?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I knew what I needed.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: I knew how much I could take.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I would visit her how often I wanted to.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I made the decision, you know what?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go to Santa Barbara.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: I said my goodbyes.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And the moment I found out she passed, my cousin called me.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was looking out, this beautiful view in Santa Barbara and the Pacific Ocean.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: So across from the Pacific Ocean, you know, here in California, it's the Philippines.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's the ocean where the Philippine Islands are.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it was just what a beautiful way to find out.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I felt like the timing was so perfect because the day before I went to the Santa Barbara mission, my grandma's a devote Catholic and I was able to get a candle for her.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And they were able to place the candle inside that day.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that she was going to pass, but I knew that that's what my grandmother wanted because she really wanted to be a nun.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Then she met my handsome grandfather and didn't become a nun.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: But driving back from Santa Barbara to LA, it's about a two-hour drive.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: There was the question of, okay, should I go back to the hospital with my family, even though she's already transitioned?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I really needed to honor what I want?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Am I doing it because I wanted to it or am I doing it because of other people's expectations?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And my boyfriend did ask me, and I was like, you know what?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Let me just stay here by the ocean a little bit.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: I just, I feel closer to her here because she loves nature, she loves the water and ocean.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: I was just thinking about Kabaloon, which is the province that she's from.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: I just felt close to her in spirit by the ocean as opposed to close to her body.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then eventually I did go to the hospital and meet up with my family and got to see my grandmother's body.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: But it was fascinating going back to the tip.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Are you doing things to make others happy?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Are you doing it because it makes you happy?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like through this process this past week, I had to ask myself, what do I want to do?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to make sure I'm honoring what I want as opposed to what other people want.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard, right?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: When someone passes because you're dealing with people's, other people's traumas and triggers.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that goes to my third tip.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: You aren't responsible to hold space for others' traumas and triggers.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: But yes, there's a big butt here.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: You are responsible for healing your own trauma and triggers.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: So just you know, my family, I know I am getting so personal with you guys, but hey, that's why I get personal on the podcast and not social media.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if it ends up becoming too much, you could just pause, stop, and and drop off.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know if you do.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I won't be butthurt about it.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: But I am the oldest in my family in terms of siblings.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: I have two younger brothers.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm the only girl.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: In addition to that, I am the oldest in my family and the cousins born here in America.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: When I was born, I was the first one born in America and I lived in my grandma's house.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: So this is the grandmother that passed away, my nana.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I live with my grandma, my grandpa, my mom, my dad, my aunt, and uncle.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: So that's a total of six adults.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And at a young age, I felt that pressure of wow, the American dream, right?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: The resources that that generation, my parents, my aunt, uncle, grandma, and grandpa had, they didn't have the resources that we have, that I have.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I felt this pressure to do a lot for them.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: My dad used to call me the HR of the family because I used to manage what my parents wanted, my brothers wanted, all in between.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Thank God specifically for EMDR therapy, healing, all of that in terms of honoring.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Nope, I am just going to be a daughter and a sister.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: That is my job role, not HR.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I talk about, you know, so often as women, if you're a woman listening, we're taught to be these supporting roles for other people, right?
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Holding space, listening to everyone.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it becomes a lot emotionally because I was that one growing up where I would listen to everyone's problems and take it in.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then you I started feeling resentful that I would just listen to everyone's problems.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I realized, you know what, I need to work on my own stuff.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And even this past year, I went back to EMDR therapy, healing more so when I said in number two, like, am I doing things to keep myself happy or to keep other people's expectations happy?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I started going to my therapist back in May, and then October 31st hit and she fired me in a good way because I did all of my healing.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I think I'm good.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it has felt so good.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I know the therapy has worked because I just shared my past experience this past week with my grandmother passing, where I was able to create boundaries and decipher what is good for me, what can I do, what can I contribute.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Let's make sure it's what I want as opposed to other people.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: As I am recording this podcast, and I will say I am doing this episode not just for all of you, but even for me, going back to tip number one, the pausing and reflecting, like, wow.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, the therapy has worked.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was able to go through a challenging past week.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because I will tell you, 20-year-old Elaine going through it, I would have been so reactive, answering every phone call, calling every single person, making sure they're okay.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't do that.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, sure, I did a couple of calls, but I was able to go biking in Santa Barbara, was able to enjoy meals, like go to the beach for two hours.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: It was just so relaxing.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I needed that.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: So, fourth tip having a non-attachment to goals and expectations.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I watched the documentary Studs by Jonah Hills.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: He actually is interviewing his therapist and he does talk about the power of what can happen when we do give, when we're choosing to give.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: The hard part, though, when we're giving to others, is being non-attached, that something has to come back in return.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's all similar to goals, like, okay, it needs to be this, we do it this way.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying you shouldn't do any goal setting.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Also, yeah, not saying you don't need to do any goal setting, but if you're so focused on it has to happen this way, you might forget to look at the nice surprises happening.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, this over here is happening.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'll give example.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: In my last podcast episode, I talked about my best month in business and how I've had the best months in business before I would launch.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: I would promote things, like I was just doing push marketing.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: There's a difference between push versus pull marketing.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Push marketing is like creating all this content.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: So you're getting people to come to you.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Pull marketing, it's like people are coming to you.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: And that's because I established a foundation of referrals as well as working on my Google SEO, where it just became so easy for people to want to work with me and schedule sales calls with me.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: So the old way of how I did things, I shifted it to a new way and I was not attached to how it was going to happen.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Also, when it comes to relationships, I'm not saying that there should be no expectations at all.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: It kind of reminds me when I past relationships, like, well, you should know what I want.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: But having that verbal conversation, whether it is with a romantic partner or with a friend, hey, these are my expectations on this stuff.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: How do you feel about that?
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like having a verbal communication on things, it could even be like roles and responsibilities.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, if you cook, I will wash the dishes.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's actually one of the things that in my romantic relationship we do.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: But it might be something like, hey, since I went out with all of your friends this past month, you should go out with me with all of my friends.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I mean.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Where it's like, no, you have to honor also the other individual as well.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I have learned that a lot, like even within my own relationship.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, I don't have to say yes to everything.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: I remember when we were visiting my boyfriend's dad so often, there was a day, right?
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because we were visiting every day, but there was a day I was just so exhausted and tired, and I felt so guilty, but I just said, I can't go.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: I am just tired.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, that's fine.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't expect you to come every day to visit him, anyways.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I thought you did.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I went.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: But also, I was proud of myself for putting myself first and honoring my energy and what I can give.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because what you don't want is to start feeling resentful towards somebody.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's this unset expectation.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's why there should be communication and conversation.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you need it.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: We're like, hey, this is what I expected.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I didn't know you were expecting that.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for sharing.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is my perception of it.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: You could get so caught up on it when all we need to do is just have a conversation about it.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: So, fifth tip honoring people's process and doing things.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: There is no right or wrong.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: I have definitely learned that in grief this past two months, three months, I should start October.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: Three months of two people passing.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: And people process it differently.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: For example, I had a family member who was able to visit my grandmother every day.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: It was just so hard for me to visit every day because I kept seeing her more and more pain.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to honor, okay, I'm gonna stay here Friday and say my goodbyes.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I can do for myself.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: I have family members who couldn't fly in because they were in other states, so they FaceTimed.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: And when honoring people's processes, it's also knowing that your process may change throughout the process.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: So honoring people's process, it's not just even, I know I mentioned with grief, but it could even be as simple as going on vacation.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like my partner loves planning everything on vacation.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Before we dated me, not so much.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: I will book the ticket and the hotel, and then I'll just figure it along the way.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: And we had to figure out a way where we meet both of our needs by having that conversation.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I would book the hotel, we'd plan one or two things, and then we have a Google Doc and we put things that we kind of want to do, but it's kind of like a loose agenda, like plan with a margin of magic.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: And when it comes to business, I know I was sharing two personal experiences, but honoring people's process, even in business, just know that people may be working differently, knowing what their strengths and weaknesses are and how you can make a team where the strengths all match up so that your business goes well.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Also in your career, like if you're working in a full-time nine to five job, knowing what you can provide to a team and knowing what your other team members can provide as well.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: So honor people's processes and know there's no right or wrong.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: Sixth tip your definition of success and happiness will evolve over time.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the hard part don't give it judgment.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: So when I was a kid, my actually my dream job was to become a waiter.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it was the coolest job for dealing with food, money, tips, talking to people.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Such an extrovert, right?
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: No longer my dream job, but that was my dream job.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: When I was a teenager and in grade school, it was getting straight A's, being Valivictorian, making sure my resume, my college applications were just perfect.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Then that changed, where in my early 20s, it was working long hours and then also partying, getting ready to go out like at 10 p.m., coming home at two or four in the morning.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was joking around with a client because we recorded a podcast episode with her, Christine Joy.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yeah, now I'm like in bed by 9 p.m.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: And to me, happiness now is actually enjoying time by myself.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Who knew as an extrovert, but I am older now, where hey, I want to go do yoga.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: I want to just sit and lay at the park or the beach.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm defining success and happiness where things are coming to me easily.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not working so much.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: I have flexibility.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I also acknowledge that things may change and evolve over time.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: So, seventh tip breathe.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to react right away.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I got into doing hot yoga about 10 years ago when I was working in politics.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was so stressed out.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was working 12 to 16 hour days.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: And this time last year, I kind of got, I mean, it wasn't a scare, but my doctor shared with me, hey, your blood pressure is not high blood pressure, but it's a little bit above normal.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I don't do that.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: Usually I'm like perfect whenever I go to the doctor, and I'm not gonna do that.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: Something needs to shift and change.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: And going back to yoga, the breath, like when we're in a heightened state, our blood is rushing.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's not going to our extremities, to the deepest parts of our body, like our fingers, our toes.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: So when we're breathing, the blood is flowing.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I know for me, growing up in a Filipino household, I grew up to folks being reactive.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought that was normal.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a book called Quiet.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: It talks about the importance of going through cycles of taking action and reflection.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: I know that when we watch shows and movies, we see people who are rewarded for reacting right away.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: But I wish what was shown is the process of wait, let me think and process it.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because I will say, when I was in my 20s, there were times when I would just quit a job or I would just react right away in a relationship I was in.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: I would say something I would regret.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now I know when I'm in a conversation of miscommunication, I know to take myself away.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like I need time to think about it and process it, but let's get back to talk about it.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: That was not the old me, but I've learned to do that in my own personal life.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: And even in business, when something's not working, okay, what can I learn from this?
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: So breathe.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: Don't have to react right away.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: Eighth tip is having a date with yourself.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: So in the book, The Artist Way, they talk about two things.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: One is morning pages.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: So reflecting for 30 minutes or three pages in the morning where you're just writing.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: But another thing is also doing an artist date each week, where you're having a date with yourself.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're creating something for you.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's not necessarily business or career related, but it is for you.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: Something that you could possibly do creatively, having a coffee date with yourself, journaling, creating something like a pot.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: Do something for yourself.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: Ninth tip is I have learned this this past year.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: I love receiving feedback, but what I have learned is not everyone deserves your feedback.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: You should pick and choose who you want to give feedback to.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's so much emotional labor that is involved.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: For example, I was in this program and there were things that I was unhappy with and I shared it.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: And going back to that tip of being not attached to expectations, I sure had expectations of apologies and other things that were going to be done.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: And there was an apology.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: But what I found myself was just so disappointed in things, like I was hoping that there was going to be change that was going to be created.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: So when I was in another program where I was disappointed in something, I had to ask myself, does this person deserve my feedback?
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I decided not to offer it.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: There is so much emotional labor that happens when you want to give feedback.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: But mind you, I will give feedback to the people I love, to the people that I respect, not just both, not just personally, but as well as professionally.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: So, tenth tip your body and intuition's always right.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: And your body will have a way of telling you when something is in alignment or not.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: This happened last year.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: I got like three viruses.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: In December, I had the stomach flu.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then I got COVID.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: Then I forgot what else I got.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: I got a third thing.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was a cold.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: But, anyways, I got sick three times.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it was my way of my body telling me something needs to change and shift in your business.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I've slowed down this past year and shifted my business model.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: And oh, going back to when I was talking about how I decided, or when I went to the doctor and they said my blood pressure was a little high.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, I need to go back to my breath.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to do?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: I love doing boxing, but it brings out so much energy.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I knew energetically my body needed to go back to doing hot yoga movement.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's what my body needs.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or even personally, it's crazy how intuition works or spirit works.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: But like I said earlier, my grandmother wanted to be a nun.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: She's a devout Catholic.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I visited, I was like, we were not planning to, but we were planning to go to the Santa Barbara Botanical Gardens.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I told my partner, hey, I actually want to go to the Santa Barbara mission because of my grandma.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: So we went, we got a candle.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: The candle got lit and I prayed on it outside in the in the mission.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I asked one of the workers, hey, can it be inside?
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, we'll put it inside.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: Put it inside tomorrow.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, tomorrow the date was November 22nd when the candle was going to be inside the mission.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the same day that my grandmother passed.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that's exactly what my grandmother would have loved and wanted was to be honored in a holy and spiritual institution like the mission.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: But your body and intuition's always right.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: The important thing is to pay attention.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: So often I know movies kind of showcase this big, like, okay, light comes down.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: There's a booming voice that tells you what you need to do.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: When it comes to your body intuition or spirit, whatever it is you believe in, it's actually quiet voices.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hmm, Elaine, you seem really tired.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: Or it doesn't look like you're enjoying doing these events as much as anymore.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: They come in little whispers.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's your responsibility to pay attention.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: I know I was giving like life tips, especially with my grandma transitioning.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now I want to go to like career and business tips.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: So the 11th tip is pay attention to new patterns and feedback when it comes to your career business.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's so easy to keep doing what you are doing because it has been working.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: But kind of like what I was mentioning in the last tip, listening to your body intuition, I want you to pay attention to new patterns you've noticed, because life and business and your career will constantly evolve.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: So, for example, in my Call Your Dreams Inner Circle program for seasoned business owners, about two or three years ago, my clients, they would often say the full two hours, actually, sorry, pre-COVID, I should say, pre-COVID and pre-pandemic, they would say the full two hours with everyone else.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: It was a great, oh, it was just, they stayed for the full two hours where not only did they receive coaching, but they saw other people being coached.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: When the pandemic started happening, I want to say within six months, I started noticing it was hard for my clients to stay for the full two hours.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I shifted saying two hour coaching group calls to saying two hour office hours, treating it like if you went to college, you see a professor doing office hours during a certain time.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to stay for the full office hours, but you came at the time you needed to.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: So coming and going as you please, and that's how I've structured my color dreams inner circle with the group calls on top of doing one-to-ones.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: So that was one of the many things that have shifted in my business.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: But also I just want to share, it's not like I changed so much.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's small tweaks that you could do.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I share about the small tweaks in my last podcast episode on how I had my biggest month in business.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: Another example on paying attention to new patterns and feedback.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: One of my former clients shared feedback.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: She wished that there was more accountability, similar to when we had the first sales call.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: So my team and I created a new accountability structure and system on how we could provide individualized accountability to our clients.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that has been amazing.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: And it's such a game changer where my clients are just so pleased.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually kicking myself in the ass because I wish I did this prior to me trying to figure it out.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's something that I've just implemented this past year on providing this individualized accountability system to my clients.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: And we could probably even see it in life.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: When you pay attention to new patterns and feedback, looking at things that you probably need.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: I do feel better when I do move my body at least three times a week or when I go outside in the sun.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: Pay attention to that.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: 12th tip understand your numbers.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, they don't define you, but they help you figure out what you can work on.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: So last year I had great revenue, but my profit margins were not so great.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: So this past year, I had to figure out how I can improve my profit margins.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I was able to cut down on thousands of dollars per month, not even throughout the whole year, per month on what wasn't needed, including my retreat.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I used to do my retreat at Airbnb and pay for the food, but then figure out like moving tables and chairs, getting a cater, all that stuff.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, how can I make this easier, making sure that my clients get the best experience?
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I partnered up with the University Club of Pasadena, where I am a member at, and we were able to use a big room.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: And because they have a whole team, it was even easier for my retreat manager.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: We were able to order food so we didn't have to buy food outside.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: They were able to clean up.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: My clients got what they needed and they didn't have to pay so much compared to the years prior.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: You could probably say that I'm cheap.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: My question was how could I create more profit, like improve my profit margins at the same time making sure my clients have a better customer experience?
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: As I've shaved away thousands of dollars per month in my operating expenses, I also shaved often asked myself, what is actually working for my clients to help support and serve them?
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because I used to have a bigger team.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: It is now smaller and more lean.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: Not like we're overworked, but it's exactly perfect for where my business is at.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so grateful that I can't look at my numbers and examine what can be improved.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_00: You better believe having my best month in business in October.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was able to look at my numbers and see what I could improve.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: So, next tip is honor your seasons.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, you are not meant to constantly be in summer.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: We are not meant to be in summer all the time.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: I talked about this in my episode with my reflections on the retreat I did with my clients.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes there's this ideation mode, which is spring.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: Then there's sales, which is summer.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: Fall.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's a longer fall and winter where the leaves are falling.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: That was kind of like me this past year.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't until October where it was like booming.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: But it was like a heavy fall and winter of really seeing what's working, what's not working.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I did get anxiety and thank God going to my therapist on working on it and honoring my seasons.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, living in a capitalistic society, we're taught to be in perpetual summer.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_00: But the reality is, is just like Mother Nature itself, we're supposed to be in different seasons, not just professionally, but also personally.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe going through a breakup, maybe going through grief.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_00: What are you learning from?
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: So, last tip, the 14 tip, is less is more.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_00: What can you make more simple in your life?
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need to really be doing everything?
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a commitment, like maybe a volunteer program at a nonprofit that you no longer align with that you need a backdown from?
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: What are less things you can do?
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's working, but you can't do so much of it.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like what I've mentioned before, where I used to do weekly newsletters, weekly podcasts.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: So that's like two touch points per week.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now I do bi-weekly newsletters, bi-weekly podcasts, so that I'm connecting with my audience at least once a week.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: That was my capacity because this past year, I have now had seven weeks of vacation because I just came back from Santa Barbara, then I'm going to Vegas.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then I have another two weeks of vacation at the end of the year, that's nine weeks.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, with all my nine weeks of vacation, I cannot do as much as I was supposed to do.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I know I gave my 14 tips and it felt like too much.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_00: I don't expect you to do all the tips.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just here to provide my reflections on life and grief.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I always love ending episodes with an action and reflection.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_00: So, an action and reflection, I'm going to combine it.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I will warn you, it's a bit hard.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: So if you don't feel called to do it now, maybe later, maybe not.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you don't want to do it at all.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_00: You have agency and choice.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, because it is the end of the year.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: It is December 1st.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: If you're listening to it right on December 1st or maybe later or any time of the year, it doesn't matter.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: But journal the most difficult experiences this past year, whether personally or professionally.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: What have you learned from it?
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: What support do you need at this current moment?
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't necessarily have to be someone else.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the support you need is I just need to be by myself.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_00: I need a journal.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk to my mom.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to cry in the shower.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: I do need a therapist or coach.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: But I just want you to journal the most difficult experiences this past year.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_00: And what exactly did you learn from it?
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_00: Legacymaker, if you're wanting to create a more aligned and sustainable career that supports your dream life so you can be present for yourself and your family.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you want to know how it looks like to work with me, I would love to invite you to a complimentary 30-minute legacy career and life review call where we examine your current career and life goals, your biggest challenges, and create three individualized action items.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: To schedule that call, you could go to elamelew.com forward slash call.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's elamelew.com forward slash call.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: Legacymaker, if you love this call your dreams episode, we would love it if you can leave a rating and review on Apple.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: So more women of color and allies can benefit too.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have one or two friends that would get so much from this particular episode, please share.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_00: The intention behind the Call Your Dreams podcast was to contribute and give back to our people.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: All right.