Latest / The Kevin Stone Podcast / Episode #27 "Mowing The Yard-Why Is It A Neighborhood Competition?"

Transcript

Episode #27 "Mowing The Yard-Why Is It A Neighborhood Competition?" · The Kevin Stone Podcast

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  Speaker 1: The content of this program is for entertainment purposes only,
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  Speaker 1: mainly the entertainment of the program creator. If at any
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  Speaker 1: time you find any of this program to be offensive,
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  Speaker 1: you should immediately rewind the program to the beginning and
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  Speaker 1: listen to it again. The sarcasm presented by the content
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  Speaker 1: creator is so accurate it is illegal in 14 states.
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  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Kevin Stone Podcast, broadcasting to
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  Speaker 1: you from an unknown location. Customized listening.
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  Speaker 2: Let's begin by cleaning those ears. Who am I? I'm
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  Speaker 2: a nobody. I just happen to have a camera and
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  Speaker 2: a microphone and an internet connection, which makes me a superstar.
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  Speaker 2: There's vulnerable, there's vulnerable, there's vulnerable, there's vulnerable. Spit it out!
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  Speaker 2: I have beef enchiladas in the oven. What?
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  Speaker 1: Yes.
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  Speaker 2: And you made them or are they frozen? Um, well
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  Speaker 2: they won't be frozen in about 35 minutes. Ha ha
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  Speaker 2: ha ha ha ha ha. There are few things in
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  Speaker 2: American life more deceptive than mowing the yard. You would
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  Speaker 2: think it's simple. Grass gets tall, you cut the grass.
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  Speaker 2: Grass gets short, mission accomplished.
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  Speaker 1: Oh no.
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  Speaker 2: Because apparently, somewhere along the way, mowing the yard became
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  Speaker 2: a competitive sport. Nobody told me I entered. There was
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  Speaker 2: no registration. Nobody handed me a jersey. There's no trophy
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  Speaker 2: sitting on my kitchen table that says, 2026 Franklin County
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  Speaker 2: Regional Grass Cutting Champion. And yet, there you are on
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  Speaker 2: Saturday morning, sitting inside, drinking coffee, minding your own business.
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  Speaker 2: You've got absolutely no intention of mowing the yard. Then
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  Speaker 2: you hear it. Neighbor. Mowing. And suddenly, you're looking through
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  Speaker 2: the blinds. Hmm. You look at his yard, then you
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  Speaker 2: look at yours. Back at his, back at yours. Well,
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  Speaker 2: now I have to mow. Why? Five minutes ago, I
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  Speaker 2: was perfectly happy with my yard. My grass and I
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  Speaker 2: had an understanding. I leave it alone, it leaves me alone.
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  Speaker 2: Everybody's happy. But apparently Dale next door woke up this
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  Speaker 2: morning and chose violence. And now I've got to mow.
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  Speaker 2: I'm Kevin Stone. This is the Kevin Stone Podcast. One guy,
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  Speaker 2: one microphone, absolutely no qualifications. And today we're asking, why
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  Speaker 2: is mowing the yard a neighborhood competition? You know exactly
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  Speaker 2: what I'm talking about. Nobody ever openly admits there's a competition.
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  Speaker 2: That's the beauty of it. Your neighbor doesn't walk over
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  Speaker 2: and knock on the door. Good morning, Kevin. Just wanted
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  Speaker 2: to let you know at approximately 8.30 this morning, I'll
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  Speaker 2: be beginning the lawn competition. Nope. He just starts mowing.
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  Speaker 2: And you notice. Then you mow. Then next Saturday, he
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  Speaker 2: mows again. Okay, fair enough. But then, he edges. Oh,
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  Speaker 2: we're edging now. Alright. Then you get the weed eater.
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  Speaker 2: Then he blows every single grass clipping off the driveway.
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  Speaker 2: Then you clean around the mailbox. Then he starts mowing. Diagonally. Oh,
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  Speaker 2: you son of a gun. Now we've gone professional. Because
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  Speaker 2: I don't care what anybody says. There's something about those
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  Speaker 2: diagonal stripes that says, I have my life together better
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  Speaker 2: than you. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to remember which section
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  Speaker 2: I already mowed. I got one strip that's three inches
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  Speaker 2: tall and another that's an inch and a half. There's
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  Speaker 2: a circle around the tree I forgot, and apparently I
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  Speaker 2: mowed the same 14-foot section three times. But Dale? Perfect
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  Speaker 2: alternating strips. His yard looks like they're getting ready to
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  Speaker 2: play the Masters Tournament on it. Mine looks like somebody
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  Speaker 2: lost a goat. And while you may be mowing your
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  Speaker 2: grass because, well, it's just something that has to be done,
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  Speaker 2: you're maintaining your position with the neighborhood hierarchy. Which is
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  Speaker 2: unfortunate because based on my yard, apparently I'm poor. There's
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  Speaker 2: always that one guy. Every neighborhood has him. The yard guy.
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  Speaker 2: You know this man. The yard guy doesn't just mow.
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  Speaker 2: He has a lawn care program. He knows what kind
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  Speaker 2: of grass he has. He knows the soil. He knows
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  Speaker 2: the fertilizer numbers. He's got spreaders, sprayers, seeds, aerators, three
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  Speaker 2: different weed eaters, and a zero-turn mower with more horsepower
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  Speaker 2: than the first car I owned. You ask yard guy
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  Speaker 2: what kind of grass he has, he'll say, well, that's
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  Speaker 2: a hybrid Bermuda, but I've been transitioning to shade area. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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  Speaker 2: I didn't ask for its medical history. Ask me what
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  Speaker 2: kind of grass I got. Green, mostly. I've also got
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  Speaker 2: some unidentified broadleaf vegetation. And there's one thing growing beside
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  Speaker 2: the fence that I'm pretty sure could eventually become a tree.
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  Speaker 2: But it's green. We're counting. My definition of a successful
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  Speaker 2: lawn is very simple. From the road, does it look green? Yep,
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  Speaker 2: we're done here. But Charlie found something else. Here's where
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  Speaker 2: Charlie ruined one of my theories with facts. Because I've
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  Speaker 2: always figured, if I mow it really short, I won't
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  Speaker 2: have to mow again as soon. Apparently, that's not necessarily
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  Speaker 2: a great idea. University Extension guidance recommends following what's called
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  Speaker 2: the one-third rule. Don't remove more than about one-third of
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  Speaker 2: the grass blade in a single mowing. Cutting the grass
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  Speaker 2: too short can stress it out, reduce its growth, and
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  Speaker 2: make it more vulnerable to weeds, drought, pests, and disease.
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  Speaker 2: So my strategy of cut it down to the earth
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  Speaker 2: and show it who's boss, apparently it's not horticulturally sound.
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  Speaker 2: Good to know. Missouri Extension also points out that mowing
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  Speaker 2: higher can encourage deeper roots and improve drought tolerance, and
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  Speaker 2: grass clippings can often be left on the lawn to
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  Speaker 2: decompose and return nutrients rather than automatically being bagged, which
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  Speaker 2: means Dale may actually know what he's doing. Today's episode
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  Speaker 2: of the Kevin Stone Podcast is brought to you by
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  Speaker 2: Kevin Stone Lawn Care. Are you tired of lawn care
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  Speaker 2: companies promising perfection? We don't. At Kevin Stone Lawn Care,
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  Speaker 2: our company motto is, yeah, we'll mow it when you
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  Speaker 2: get around to it. Our basic lawn package includes mowing
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  Speaker 2: the yard, probably. Our deluxe package includes mowing and weed eating.
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  Speaker 2: Assuming we can get the weed eater started. And our
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  Speaker 2: platinum package includes mowing, weed eating, blowing off the driveway,
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  Speaker 2: and staring at the flower bed for about 15 minutes saying,
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  Speaker 2: I really need to do something about that. Call Kevin
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  Speaker 2: Stone Lawn Care today. Actually, don't. This isn't a real company.
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  Speaker 2: I don't want to mow my yard. Why in the
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  Speaker 2: world would I want to mow yours? Kevin Stone Lawn Care.
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  Speaker 2: We'll mow it when we get around to it. Now remember,
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  Speaker 2: eventually November gets here and the whole problem pretty much
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  Speaker 2: takes care of itself. And now... Back to the show.
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  Speaker 2: Let's talk about the zero turn mowers. Because at some point,
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  Speaker 2: somebody looked at a lawnmower and thought, this isn't intimidating enough.
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  Speaker 2: So now yard guy comes rolling out of the garage
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  Speaker 2: on a machine that looks like something Batman would use
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  Speaker 2: to maintain the Batcave. He's got two control sticks, cup holder, armrest,
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  Speaker 2: maybe Bluetooth. I don't know. He fires that thing up. Vroom.
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  Speaker 2: And it goes off. Meanwhile, I'm behind a push mower.
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  Speaker 2: I pulled the starter cord 11 times. Nothing. 12. Nothing. 13. Yes.
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  Speaker 2: And then it dies. At this point, I'm not competing
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  Speaker 2: with Dale anymore. I'm competing with the lawnmower. And the
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  Speaker 2: mower's winning. Then comes the edging. Mowing isn't enough anymore.
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  Speaker 1: Nope.
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  Speaker 2: Apparently, grass has to understand the boundaries, so we edge.
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  Speaker 2: The sidewalk, the driveway, flower beds, mailbox, probably the property
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  Speaker 2: line if Dale gets too aggressive. And here's another interesting
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  Speaker 2: thing that Charlie found. Missouri Extension warns that improper trimming
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  Speaker 2: along sidewalks and driveways can scalp turf and encourage weeds.
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  Speaker 2: Think about that. We've become so obsessed with making our
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  Speaker 2: lawns look perfect that some of the things we're trying
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  Speaker 2: to do to make them look perfect can actually make
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  Speaker 2: them worse. There's a life lesson coming. You can feel it,
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  Speaker 2: can't you? Charlie's already standing over there with the inspirational music.
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  Speaker 2: Not yet, Charlie. I've got more grass jokes. Here's another
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  Speaker 2: thing that I've noticed. Nobody wants to be the first
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  Speaker 2: to mow. Because if you're the first, maybe you mowed
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  Speaker 2: too early. But nobody wants to be the last one either.
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  Speaker 2: Because once three neighbors mow, now your yard looks terrible.
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  Speaker 2: One neighbor mowing, no problem. Two, I'm monitoring the situation. Three,
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  Speaker 2: we're going to DEFCON 3. Get your shoes on. We're mowing.
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  Speaker 2: There's probably some poor guy sitting in a recliner thinking,
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  Speaker 2: I worked all week. I am not mowing today. Then...
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  Speaker 2: He looks outside. Dale. Nope. Another mower starts. I'm not
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  Speaker 2: doing it. Third mower. They can kiss my... Remember, this
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  Speaker 2: is a family show. Fourth mower. Where are my shoes?
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  Speaker 2: That's neighborhood peer pressure for grown men. Nobody offers you drugs.
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  Speaker 2: Nobody dares you to do anything dangerous. They just cut
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  Speaker 2: their grass. And now, somehow, you're outside sweating. And here's
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  Speaker 2: what I think is actually funny about all this. Maybe
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  Speaker 2: the lawn really isn't the issue. Maybe it's comparison. The
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  Speaker 2: neighbor gets a newer truck, suddenly yours looks older. Somebody
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  Speaker 2: remodels their kitchen, you go home and stare at your cabinets.
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  Speaker 2: You know, these are pretty terrible. They weren't terrible yesterday.
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  Speaker 2: You've had those cabinets for 12 years. But now somebody
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  Speaker 2: else has granite countertops and suddenly you're living in squalor.
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  Speaker 2: Somebody takes a vacation. Somebody buys a boat. Somebody has
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  Speaker 2: the perfect house. Perfect lawn. Perfect family photographs. And without
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  Speaker 2: realizing it, we're starting to keep score. And that's probably
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  Speaker 2: worth thinking about. Because there's absolutely nothing wrong with taking
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  Speaker 2: pride in what you've got. Take care of your home.
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  Speaker 2: Take care of your stuff. Mow the yard. Make it
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  Speaker 2: look nice. But there's a difference between, I want to
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  Speaker 2: take care of mine, and mine has to look better
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  Speaker 2: than yours. That's when something as stupid as grass starts
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  Speaker 2: controlling your Saturday. Maybe the better approach is take care
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  Speaker 2: of what you got. Be thankful for what you've got.
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  Speaker 2: Improve the things you genuinely want to improve. But quit
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  Speaker 2: checking Dale's yard to determine whether you're doing okay. Because
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  Speaker 2: there's always going to be somebody with greener grass. And apparently,
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  Speaker 2: that guy owns a zero turn. So tomorrow morning, if
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  Speaker 2: you're sitting peacefully in your house, coffee in hand, no plans,
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  Speaker 2: beautiful morning, and suddenly you hear... Don't panic. That's just
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  Speaker 2: your neighbor mowing. It's not a declaration of war. You
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  Speaker 2: don't have to respond. You don't have to defend your property.
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  Speaker 2: You don't have to scramble the zero turn. Look out
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  Speaker 2: the window. Admire his lawn. Take another sip of coffee. Say,
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  Speaker 2: nice yard, Dale. Then close the curtains. Unless he starts edging,
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  Speaker 2: then it's on. I'm Kevin Stone. This is the Kevin
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  Speaker 2: Stone Podcast. One guy. One microphone. Absolutely no qualifications. I'll
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  Speaker 2: talk to you next time. This concludes our broadcast day.
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  Speaker 1: Good night, and God bless America.