Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Table Guests Extra! Dr. Kelly Stephens and Friends: Becoming a Responsive NOT Reactive Parent | Ep. 53

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Table Guests Extra! Dr. Kelly Stephens and Friends: Becoming a Responsive NOT Reactive Parent | Ep. 53 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:58
  Cheryl: listeners, have we got a treat for you today?
• 1:01
  Cheryl: Another Treat Okay, so instead of being the Quartet or me and Dr.
• 1:09
  Cheryl: Stevens, we have the new TPP Quinte.
• 1:12
  Danae: It's a little full in here.
• 1:14
  Christie: Sure.
• 1:15
  Christie: Yeah, you too cozy
• 1:16
  Ellen: sharing
• 1:17
  Danae: the mic over there.
• 1:17
  Danae: Christine and I are sharing a mic today,
• 1:19
  Cheryl: so.
• 1:20
  Cheryl: so, I was planning on interviewing Kelly and then he said, Why don't you bring in the whole quartet?
• 1:26
  Cheryl: And y'all said, Sure.
• 1:27
  Cheryl: Here we are.
• 1:28
  Cheryl: We are.
• 1:29
  Cheryl: Whether
• 1:29
  Danae: you like it or not.
• 1:30
  Danae: Here we
• 1:30
  Kelly: are.
• 1:30
  Kelly: Can I go back on that
• 1:35
  Cheryl: She's like, ok.
• 1:36
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 1:36
  Kelly: I.
• 1:37
  Kelly: Am a big fan of tpp.
• 1:39
  Kelly: I was a fan before I got on podcast, just so you know, and I recommend it to patients and mm-hmm.
• 1:46
  Kelly: I, I feel like all of you guys bring different pieces in.
• 1:50
  Kelly: I like Ellen's trips to her bedroom in the couch.
• 1:54
  Kelly: Everybody.
• 1:55
  Kelly: Kids or grandkids, or both are of differing ages.
• 1:59
  Kelly: So we bring a pretty wide, broad spectrum of age groups that we've dealt with from one mm-hmm.
• 2:06
  Kelly: Yes.
• 2:06
  Kelly: One degree or another.
• 2:07
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 2:08
  Kelly: So I, I'm a big
• 2:09
  Cheryl: fan.
• 2:09
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 2:10
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:10
  Cheryl: And you've been begging me.
• 2:11
  Cheryl: You know, he's been saying, I wanna get with the quan.
• 2:15
  Cheryl: I wanna have somebody to
• 2:17
  Kelly: to bounce off of.
• 2:18
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 2:19
  Kelly: Cause he's tired of
• 2:20
  Cheryl: bouncing off.
• 2:22
  Ellen: Well, you'll be tired of talking by the time
• 2:26
  Cheryl: shaking your head.
• 2:30
  Christie: Well, this is a neat thing for me to see My world's colliding too.
• 2:32
  Christie: My kids all being patients of Dr.
• 2:35
  Christie: Stevens for, Yeah.
• 2:36
  Christie: 22 years.
• 2:37
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 2:38
  Christie: and Wow.
• 2:38
  Christie: Cheryl being my mentor all along.
• 2:41
  Christie: I've always thought you guys should be at the same table, so I'm really glad that's finally happening.
• 2:45
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 2:45
  Kelly: Are you happy yet, Be glad you wish
• 2:48
  Christie: that I'll be happy when the book comes out.
• 2:50
  Christie: That
• 2:50
  Danae: right?
• 2:51
  Danae: That's right.
• 2:52
  Danae: That's what I was thinking.
• 2:53
  Danae: Um, Dr.
• 2:54
  Danae: Stevens, you have so many good points and you have your notes over here and I'm thinking, When is the book coming out?
• 3:01
  Kelly: I'll just put'em all together and they'll turn into a book.
• 3:04
  Danae: That's how it works.
• 3:05
  Danae: Magically.
• 3:06
  Danae: Yes,
• 3:07
  Cheryl: Well, when we began to talk about getting together today, I said, All right, Kelly, what do you wanna talk about?
• 3:14
  Cheryl: So he gets to be the one that brings our subject.
• 3:17
  Cheryl: So what
• 3:18
  Kelly: do you wanna talk about, Kelly?
• 3:19
  Kelly: How we can respond.
• 3:21
  Kelly: Instead of react in many situations, first of all, reaction is natural.
• 3:27
  Kelly: We're human beings, we're wired to react.
• 3:30
  Kelly: We see a car coming and our kids in the street, we react.
• 3:33
  Kelly: We don't go, Oh, I wonder if he does okay with that, You know,
• 3:37
  Danae: respond and hit you, but.
• 3:41
  Kelly: Most of our interactions do not demand a, a reaction?
• 3:45
  Kelly: Yes, most.
• 3:46
  Kelly: And so as a, as a pediatrician, I try to encourage parents to begin the process of responding and not reacting.
• 3:55
  Kelly: And now sometimes I get a chance.
• 3:57
  Kelly: Like, go further on that subject, which is what we're gonna do this time.
• 4:01
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 4:02
  Kelly: and other times it's just on a little sheet of paper.
• 4:04
  Kelly: I write respond instead of react.
• 4:06
  Kelly: And they're like, What does that mean?
• 4:08
  Kelly: It's
• 4:08
  Cheryl: good.
• 4:09
  Cheryl: It's so good.
• 4:09
  Cheryl: Kelly.
• 4:11
  Cheryl: How I wish I had learned this at 20 years old.
• 4:15
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:15
  Cheryl: But this is really great because you see this as such an obvious need in your practice
• 4:21
  Kelly: with all the parenting, It's, you see reaction all day long.
• 4:24
  Kelly: I mean, the kids, of course, react.
• 4:25
  Kelly: Kids again, haven't learned not to, right?
• 4:28
  Kelly: Not to react.
• 4:29
  Kelly: Every time they see a needle or they come to the doctor, I'm gonna get a shot So, yeah.
• 4:34
  Kelly: Well, first of all, I wanna talk about the fact that you asked me to bring bullet points and I gave you bullet points, and you're like, Okay, let's not go to that yet.
• 4:43
  Kelly: And, and so my first reaction was hurt and shame at that.
• 4:48
  Kelly: I Oh, actually what we're here to talk about today.
• 4:51
  Cheryl: Oh, my goodnesslaughish.
• 4:53
  Cheryl: Kelly Gentle laugh C Oh my.
• 4:55
  Cheryl: All right.
• 4:55
  Cheryl: So how about that?
• 4:57
  Cheryl: I jump in.
• 4:58
  Cheryl: Y'all have any problem in your lives of reacting instead of responding?
• 5:03
  Cheryl: How do I, No,
• 5:03
  Danae: I never react.
• 5:04
  Danae: What do you say?
• 5:05
  Danae: How do I pick just one?
• 5:08
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:09
  Christie: I feel like I wouldn't have even been able to tell you the difference for the first several years of my parenting.
• 5:15
  Christie: That's true.
• 5:15
  Christie: I was just reacting only out of emotion.
• 5:19
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:19
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 5:19
  Cheryl: Well, I know I'm
• 5:20
  Ellen: a really emotional person, so it's really normal for me to, um, react to stuff.
• 5:26
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 5:26
  Ellen: you know, I see something, I get excited or I get mad and you know it, I mean, it's all right.
• 5:32
  Ellen: It not in your face.
• 5:33
  Ellen: Yes, exactly.
• 5:34
  Ellen: I.
• 5:34
  Ellen: I can't pretend I'm not a good faker that way, but that has its negatives because that can hurt my children's feelings or my husband's feelings cuz it's right there.
• 5:44
  Cheryl: Well,
• 5:45
  Ellen: and I know I spent a lot of my years as a mom just reacting to my kids.
• 5:50
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:51
  Ellen: And you know, that's, that's really hard because it keeps you on pins and needle.
• 5:56
  Ellen: And then you feel bad when you walk away because then you realize, I really handled that wrong.
• 6:01
  Ellen: I overreacted.
• 6:02
  Ellen: I, you know, said the wrong thing.
• 6:04
  Ellen: Now I've gotta go back and say I'm sorry, and try to fix it, but the damage is done and then you beat yourself up and it just becomes this really hard, vicious cycle when you're reactionary to
• 6:15
  Kelly: everything.
• 6:16
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 6:16
  Kelly: Yes.
• 6:17
  Kelly: That.
• 6:17
  Kelly: That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid.
• 6:20
  Danae: Yeah, you said the word overreact and I was thinking so many times I was pretty chill about keeping my house clean.
• 6:29
  Danae: We'd have, you know, tens made in the living room or, you know, mud pies on the front porch.
• 6:36
  Danae: You were, you were a fun mom.
• 6:36
  Danae: I was a fun mom and I really enjoyed it.
• 6:40
  Danae: But then all of a sudden my kids would say I would become a drill sergeant and wanting everything clean and everything perfect and everything put away.
• 6:48
  Danae: And most of the time it was when people were coming over and my kids now will talk about that, Mom, we shouldn't understand you because you were usually pretty chill.
• 6:58
  Danae: And then you get really upset about the
• 7:00
  Ellen: house.
• 7:01
  Ellen: Well, I know, um, as a military wife, we lived under a microscope.
• 7:06
  Ellen: And you know, as an officer's wife, everybody's looking at you.
• 7:11
  Ellen: How are your kids?
• 7:12
  Ellen: How is your house?
• 7:14
  Ellen: And even though I'm pretty chill on things like that, you still feel the pressure because you're told you need to be an xamto the younger people, the younger officer's wives, the younger troops.
• 7:25
  Ellen: So there's always kind of that pressure there.
• 7:27
  Ellen: Did my kids mess up?
• 7:29
  Ellen: Was it my kid that did that?
• 7:31
  Ellen: Hard.
• 7:32
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 7:32
  Ellen: And it, you know, that's, that was just kind of the, the life that we live for many, many years.
• 7:38
  Kelly: And, But you perpetuated this whole perfect.
• 7:41
  Kelly: Military officer's, wife, Right.
• 7:43
  Kelly: Mentality.
• 7:45
  Kelly: Correct.
• 7:45
  Kelly: That just kept going from generation
• 7:47
  Ellen: and it, and it was rewarded.
• 7:48
  Ellen: I mean, you know.
• 7:49
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 7:49
  Ellen: You got rewarded for that to do what gets rewarded.
• 7:52
  Ellen: They'd always go, Gosh, you, you've got a clean house, you've got it all together, and my kids are like, Yeah.
• 7:58
  Ellen: Way
• 7:59
  Danae: out because of it.
• 8:01
  Danae: Yeah.
• 8:01
  Danae: Exactly.
• 8:03
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:03
  Christie: I'm, I'm kind of.
• 8:04
  Christie: Pretty chill person in general.
• 8:06
  Christie: Uhhuh and I get overwhelmed very easily into the downside of that.
• 8:10
  Christie: And so I know when my kids were young, like you said, pressure, I've got all these kids looking at me and I'm thinking, this is too much.
• 8:18
  Christie: And so my, my, my reactions were just so impulsive because of that pressure, I would feel.
• 8:23
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 8:24
  Kelly: that's a good word actually.
• 8:25
  Kelly: Impulse and reaction definitely would be, Yeah.
• 8:28
  Kelly: Synonymous.
• 8:29
  Kelly: Uh, yeah.
• 8:30
  Kelly: And maybe reacting, uh, Is impulse in action maybe or something.
• 8:36
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's good.
• 8:37
  Cheryl: Kelly, what do y'all think if we said not reacting?
• 8:43
  Cheryl: Versus responding.
• 8:44
  Cheryl: What if we said reactive instead of responding?
• 8:49
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 8:49
  Cheryl: Y'all think that's Or responsive?
• 8:50
  Cheryl: Reactive.
• 8:51
  Cheryl: Responsive response.
• 8:52
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:52
  Cheryl: So let's look at reactive versus responsive.
• 8:55
  Cheryl: And what about if we kind of develop this Mm-hmm.
• 8:57
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 8:58
  Kelly: And I've got some canned ones that everybody would, I mean, I remember this happening It's like, if you too, don't stop fighting.
• 9:07
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 9:07
  Kelly: I'm gonna pull this car in.
• 9:08
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 9:08
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 9:09
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:10
  Cheryl: But
• 9:10
  Ellen: that would be reactive.
• 9:11
  Ellen: Yes.
• 9:11
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 9:12
  Kelly: or I'm pulling over.
• 9:14
  Kelly: When this car is quiet, I'll start driving again.
• 9:18
  Kelly: That's good.
• 9:18
  Kelly: That's a response.
• 9:20
  Kelly: That good?
• 9:21
  Kelly: You've got the same problem.
• 9:22
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 9:23
  Kelly: you handled it two different ways.
• 9:24
  Kelly: You're on the side of the road.
• 9:26
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 9:26
  Kelly: You might not have a bird or anything with you Uh, but yeah.
• 9:30
  Kelly: So the, the outcome of that has not been the same though.
• 9:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:36
  Kelly: Here, here's a real ey, gooey sweet one.
• 9:41
  Kelly: Stop that crying right now.
• 9:43
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 9:43
  Kelly: That's reaction.
• 9:44
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 9:45
  Kelly: Yes.
• 9:45
  Kelly: You look upset.
• 9:46
  Kelly: Do you need a.
• 9:48
  Kelly: That's responds.
• 9:49
  Cheryl: Nice.
• 9:49
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:50
  Cheryl: Oh, Kelly, one of the ones I had a problem with.
• 9:54
  Cheryl: Teaching too much because y'all know I'm just naturally a teacher.
• 9:57
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:58
  Cheryl: But it would come across reactive, for example, like we're moving things to the table or something like that.
• 10:06
  Cheryl: And I might say, remember just carry the picture by itself.
• 10:10
  Cheryl: And then they want to take on more and they're carrying more than the pitcher.
• 10:15
  Cheryl: And halfway the table, the pitcher gets spilled more broken.
• 10:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:19
  Cheryl: So you
• 10:19
  Kelly: could say, You spilled the picture.
• 10:23
  Cheryl: I told you.
• 10:25
  Cheryl: Yeah, but I told you this is why, And then the reason I do it is
• 10:30
  Kelly: reaction.
• 10:31
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 10:31
  Kelly: response is, Oops, let's get a rag and get this mess cleaned
• 10:36
  Cheryl: up.
• 10:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:37
  Cheryl: Oh, Kelly.
• 10:38
  Cheryl: How I wish I had done that.
• 10:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:40
  Cheryl: they don't need me teaching.
• 10:42
  Cheryl: They need me.
• 10:42
  Cheryl: Well, it's not called teaching.
• 10:44
  Ellen: It's called a lecture at that point.
• 10:45
  Ellen: It's luxury.
• 10:46
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 10:47
  Kelly: Well, and it's something that I've preached for many years, the, the sort of the good luck philosophy.
• 10:52
  Kelly: So I might see the kid with the pitcher and the plates and say, Good luck.
• 10:57
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 10:58
  Kelly: And.
• 11:00
  Kelly: And then my reaction would've been, I told you not to, but my response might have been Nice try.
• 11:06
  Kelly: I'm sorry you spelled that.
• 11:07
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 11:08
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 11:09
  Kelly: But not I told you not to do.
• 11:10
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 11:11
  Kelly: So that those are sort of, as long as it's not illegal, immoral, or life threatening, I'm gonna let you Right.
• 11:18
  Kelly: Figure it out.
• 11:19
  Kelly: The hard, you won't keep spilling it.
• 11:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:22
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 11:22
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:22
  Cheryl: I don't know about y.
• 11:24
  Cheryl: Absolutely identify with this.
• 11:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:28
  Cheryl: And I regret it
• 11:29
  Kelly: so much.
• 11:30
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 11:30
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 11:30
  Kelly: So we gotta make sure that people don't leave this podcast.
• 11:35
  Kelly: Feeling guilty, like right to it.
• 11:37
  Kelly: Those people have it figured out.
• 11:39
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 11:39
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 11:39
  Kelly: I'm, I'm looking around at all five of us.
• 11:42
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 11:42
  Kelly: We've all got a bazillion stories of how we reacted.
• 11:45
  Kelly: I, instead of responding and, and probably most of them, I mean, a lot of them come from today, so not like back when I was young and impulsive, let alone
• 11:55
  Ellen: asking our kids I'm sure they have their list, Our
• 11:58
  Cheryl: kids.
• 11:58
  Cheryl: That's right.
• 11:59
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 12:00
  Cheryl: So since we all struggle with this mm-hmm.
• 12:02
  Cheryl: and this is.
• 12:04
  Cheryl: More or less the pattern of our, a lot of our lives.
• 12:06
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:07
  Cheryl: So let me ask you this.
• 12:08
  Cheryl: I wanna hear what you have to say.
• 12:10
  Cheryl: Why do we react instead of respond?
• 12:13
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 12:14
  Kelly: So, Oh, go ahead Ellen.
• 12:15
  Ellen: Uh, well, I know for me that my biggest problem was I feared that I would lose control.
• 12:21
  Ellen: Oh, okay.
• 12:22
  Ellen: And that's a core issue for me.
• 12:23
  Ellen: I wanted to make sure everything was under control.
• 12:26
  Ellen: People's emotions, what they ate, how they lived.
• 12:29
  Ellen: Wow.
• 12:29
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 12:30
  Ellen: I mean, I didn't know that that's what it was.
• 12:32
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 12:33
  Ellen: But at the time I felt like I was orchestrating all the time to make things go smoothly.
• 12:39
  Ellen: And when you're, You only need one person to not go along with your plan.
• 12:45
  Ellen: Yes.
• 12:45
  Ellen: To kinda
• 12:46
  Danae: ruin
• 12:46
  Kelly: the day.
• 12:47
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 12:48
  Kelly: The best laid plans.
• 12:49
  Kelly: Yes.
• 12:50
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 12:50
  Kelly: The biggest problem are humans.
• 12:52
  Kelly: Yes.
• 12:53
  Kelly: I mean, sometimes your dog will do something you wished he hadn't done, but most of the time it's a human in your household that's messed up.
• 13:00
  Kelly: And so we all have to deal with humans.
• 13:02
  Kelly: And oh, by the way, we're humans too.
• 13:05
  Kelly: So humans are built.
• 13:06
  Kelly: To react.
• 13:07
  Kelly: Just like if I hit your knee with a hammer in a certain spot, your leg is gonna jump up most of the time.
• 13:13
  Kelly: If it doesn't, we'll talk But that's a reaction.
• 13:16
  Kelly: That's a normal reflex reaction.
• 13:18
  Kelly: And many of them were built in.
• 13:20
  Kelly: And Ellen, you were talking about when you had five kids in the house at the same time, I mean, most of your life was just reacting to one thing or another.
• 13:27
  Kelly: Yes.
• 13:27
  Kelly: You had a lot of sort of reflex thing you did because you knew what to do in your orchestration of your household.
• 13:33
  Kelly: Yes.
• 13:33
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 13:34
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 13:35
  Kelly: Those shortcuts, those things that are reflexes can backfire sometimes.
• 13:39
  Kelly: And that's kind of what we're talking about.
• 13:41
  Kelly: It's like, I wouldn't, if you had just listened to me, this wouldn't have happened.
• 13:44
  Kelly: Yes.
• 13:44
  Kelly: Is like I'm hurting another human being.
• 13:47
  Kelly: They're not gonna say, Oh, I won't carry the picture and something else.
• 13:51
  Kelly: Again, they're gonna go, My mom is mean and yeah, that's her mad.
• 13:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:56
  Christie: I think for me, a lot of my reactions are out of, um, fear.
• 14:01
  Christie: Of failing that I'm failing as a mom, like looking at my kid's behavior, thinking, what have I done wrong to make a child that would act that way?
• 14:10
  Christie: Right.
• 14:11
  Christie: Or, um, pride, which I mean really is the same thing.
• 14:15
  Christie: It's all about me in that moment I'm thinking.
• 14:18
  Christie: I'm inconvenienced or this really ruins my plan.
• 14:22
  Christie: Or like Ellen, I've lost control of the situation.
• 14:26
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:26
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 14:26
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 14:26
  Danae: Yeah.
• 14:26
  Danae: That's really hitting me.
• 14:28
  Danae: You know, with my xamabout my house being clean or not, you know, is a lot about how.
• 14:34
  Danae: I want to be perceived as a mom by other people.
• 14:38
  Danae: Yeah.
• 14:38
  Danae: You know?
• 14:39
  Danae: And holding myself and therefore my children and my house and my family to a really high standard Yeah.
• 14:45
  Danae: Of, you know, I wanna be the fun mom, as you all called it, or just really enjoy my kids.
• 14:51
  Danae: Yes.
• 14:51
  Danae: On one hand, but on the other hand, I wanna be able to have the picture perfect house.
• 14:57
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 14:57
  Danae: and everything in order I, I wanted and still.
• 15:01
  Danae: Both, you know, And so it's a lot about mm-hmm.
• 15:04
  Danae: expectations and pride and I can see that now.
• 15:08
  Kelly: So you want to, sometimes, I mean you, you'd love to be standing outside your kids' rooms and they're talking about how great a mom you are or outside of a, of a room where friends of yours who were just at your house, did you see her house?
• 15:22
  Kelly: It was just, even the bath was clean.
• 15:25
  Danae: Can't I have it both?
• 15:26
  Danae: I think you're exactly right.
• 15:28
  Danae: And,
• 15:28
  Kelly: and I think we live in our Yelp.
• 15:30
  Kelly: Culture, our culture where we're, So what do you mean by that?
• 15:33
  Kelly: So we're, we're asked to give five Yelp stars to everything we do from our laundry detergent to our lows bill, that's, or whatever.
• 15:42
  Kelly: And so it's like we live that way and our kids are not our customers, They're our children.
• 15:49
  Kelly: And so sometimes you have to make our children unhappy.
• 15:52
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 15:53
  Kelly: To make them.
• 15:54
  Kelly: People.
• 15:55
  Kelly: And so if we are always living with the idea that it has to be perfect and they have to be perfect, and other people are gonna be giving us how many stars they think we deserve, Oh my gosh, if we only get three stars, whew.
• 16:08
  Kelly: That's gonna just devastate us.
• 16:10
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 16:11
  Cheryl: And your kids only giving you a one.
• 16:13
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's right.
• 16:15
  Cheryl: But Kelly, I think you've really tapped into something.
• 16:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:18
  Cheryl: about our culture because it's different than it used to.
• 16:22
  Cheryl: and I think part of it is this instantaneous response that somebody does one thing and it goes viral.
• 16:30
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:31
  Cheryl: and there's no privacy anymore.
• 16:32
  Cheryl: It's viral.
• 16:33
  Cheryl: And exactly what you said.
• 16:35
  Cheryl: Everything else is yelped, everything else is starred, everything else is an Insta Post, all of that.
• 16:42
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:42
  Cheryl: And then we start internalizing it, which we would might naturally do anyway.
• 16:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:47
  Cheryl: before all that, but now it's just on steroids.
• 16:50
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 16:50
  Kelly: As a culture.
• 16:51
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 16:51
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 16:52
  Kelly: Our culture is so, I mean, so immediate, so microwave.
• 16:55
  Kelly: Yes.
• 16:56
  Kelly: Um, so, uh, you have to be very careful of.
• 17:01
  Kelly: Adjectives you use, all these kind of things.
• 17:04
  Kelly: You have to be careful of.
• 17:06
  Kelly: Thing that is said because if it is taken out of context Yes.
• 17:10
  Kelly: And quoted somewhere, all of a sudden you're, Yes, that's true.
• 17:15
  Kelly: You're the negative viral thing.
• 17:16
  Kelly: I
• 17:16
  Christie: hadn't thought of that.
• 17:17
  Christie: But we have such a public society now with social media.
• 17:21
  Christie: I hadn't thought of the pressure that.
• 17:23
  Christie: Young moms would feel at this time that everything is on display even more so then it, you know, it's natural anyway,
• 17:30
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:30
  Ellen: You.
• 17:31
  Ellen: Yeah, we do have
• 17:32
  Danae: pressure from other areas.
• 17:33
  Danae: Also, I remember as a young mom, my mom telling me that, her mom told her that, you know, it's okay to have your, house not completely straightened up until one o'clock.
• 17:46
  Danae: But see, then at one o'clock, wow, your house should be ready for people to visit
• 17:51
  Kelly: and who was coming over at one.
• 17:52
  Danae: Right.
• 17:53
  Danae: And I just remember, you know, Not even realizing how much that affected me.
• 17:58
  Danae: Like it's one 15.
• 17:59
  Danae: Yeah.
• 17:59
  Danae: My house isn't picked up, you know, So there's a lot of places where we can feel that pressure.
• 18:04
  Danae: Oh,
• 18:05
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 18:05
  Ellen: And I remember thinking, where's Even the bathroom right now, I've been working all day and I would struggle to do that, you know, cuz I understood the underlying you.
• 18:15
  Ellen: Try to look nice.
• 18:16
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 18:17
  Ellen: but you know, sometimes you'll just
• 18:18
  Cheryl: be
• 18:18
  Kelly: dragged.
• 18:19
  Kelly: And I think each parent..
• 18:21
  Kelly: All of us bring those things into these.
• 18:25
  Kelly: Interactions that can be responded to or reacted to.
• 18:28
  Kelly: And if you are curious about how this person why are they so upset Why did they get triggered?
• 18:35
  Cheryl: So one of the reasons I reacted, it's a little combination of these.
• 18:40
  Cheryl: but it was the control because I didn't want my children to suffer.
• 18:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:44
  Cheryl: I didn't want them to have pain.
• 18:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:46
  Cheryl: So I reacted going, No, if you do that, who know?
• 18:51
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:52
  Cheryl: You'll have loss.
• 18:53
  Cheryl: And so my react, yeah.
• 18:54
  Cheryl: It was, You're going to pay a consequence.
• 18:56
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:57
  Cheryl: Or.
• 18:58
  Cheryl: The harmony of our home is gonna get smashed.
• 19:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:03
  Cheryl: And so I'm reacting, trying to stop it and not let it happen.
• 19:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:08
  Cheryl: So I'm, I'm destroying the harmony by trying to keep the harmony.
• 19:12
  Cheryl: Harmony.
• 19:13
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:13
  Danae: And that's a lot of pressure.
• 19:15
  Danae: You're feeling a lot of pressure at my job to make sure my children Yes, yes, yes.
• 19:20
  Danae: Learn all the right things and do it all the right way.
• 19:24
  Danae: Yes.
• 19:24
  Danae: Yeah, it sounds very noble, doesn't you?
• 19:26
  Danae: Right.
• 19:27
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:27
  Danae: It sounds like, uh, what you're talking about is what I did a lot was taking what my kids did or didn't do.
• 19:34
  Danae: So personally?
• 19:36
  Danae: Personally.
• 19:36
  Danae: Personally, Yeah.
• 19:37
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:38
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:38
  Danae: Like if you're not doing what I said, you're not following through on what I told you to do, and then it would be a reflection on me.
• 19:47
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 19:47
  Kelly: Yes.
• 19:48
  Kelly: Well, another thing in that same like how our culture.
• 19:52
  Kelly: Um, facilitates that feeling of you being, you know, a failure or it's a grade for you, or you take it personally is kids that are in school, they're mothers.
• 20:04
  Kelly: It's hardly ever the fathers get the text that.
• 20:08
  Kelly: Your child didn't come to second hour today, or, or, or little Johnny's having trouble with his spelling words or he bit somebody at daycare today or whatever.
• 20:18
  Kelly: And it's like, you get this text that your kid did this somewhere else and it's all of a sudden your fault.
• 20:23
  Kelly: It's like I said, did you buy your this kid or did your kid do it?
• 20:26
  Kelly: It's like, I don't think you bid anybody today.
• 20:28
  Kelly: You weren't even there, but you, you take, you maybe want to now.
• 20:33
  Kelly: No, that's right.
• 20:34
  Kelly: He probably deserved it.
• 20:36
  Cheryl: Kelly bit me,
• 20:38
  Ellen: Well, and And also everything in our culture is so judgemental.
• 20:42
  Ellen: I think that's kind of what you're talking about because we have in our heads promoted this culture that everything goes smoothly.
• 20:51
  Ellen: Everybody looks good.
• 20:52
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 20:52
  Ellen: Everybody eats right.
• 20:54
  Ellen: It's Instagram.
• 20:54
  Ellen: Yes.
• 20:55
  Ellen: Everything is good.
• 20:56
  Ellen: And that's not the reality and people are dying.
• 20:59
  Ellen: Side of pain and feeling insecure.
• 21:02
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:03
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:03
  Ellen: and feeling like I can't make the grade, whatever the grade is.
• 21:07
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:07
  Mm-hmm.
• 21:08
  Kelly: Well, and if you have one kid, seven kids, 12 kids, whatever, add that on top of feeling this way, even without any kids.
• 21:16
  Kelly: Yes.
• 21:16
  Kelly: And it is overwhelming, like Christy, I mean, you just get overwhelmed.
• 21:20
  Kelly: You look at the four kids looking at you like, What are we doing next, Mom?
• 21:23
  Kelly: And.
• 21:23
  Kelly: I have no idea.
• 21:25
  Kelly: I'm gonna
• 21:25
  Danae: go sit in the corner for while.
• 21:27
  Danae: Right.
• 21:27
  Danae: I bet you
• 21:28
  Christie: I'm gonna go to Ellen's room.
• 21:29
  Christie: You
• 21:29
  Kelly: gonna go to Ellen's couch in
• 21:31
  Cheryl: room?
• 21:32
  Cheryl: Quinte.
• 21:32
  Cheryl: Then what I want you to do, we've kind of talked about this, speak into it.
• 21:37
  Cheryl: What would you say, what are ways that we can help our listeners and ourselves move from being reactive?
• 21:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:45
  Cheryl: to respond.
• 21:45
  Christie: I think one big thing is looking at parenting as more of a long game and like I think what was your
• 21:52
  Danae: Less
• 21:52
  Kelly: immoral?
• 21:53
  Kelly: Illegal.
• 21:54
  Kelly: Immoral and life threatening.
• 21:55
  Kelly: Yeah, those are
• 21:55
  Christie: great because other than that, there's really no.
• 21:59
  Christie: Urgency that we feel.
• 22:01
  Christie: I mean, wow.
• 22:01
  Christie: So the picture spilled, right?
• 22:03
  Christie: That water is gonna be there after I take my three breaths and figure out what, how I wanna respond to this.
• 22:08
  Christie: I don't need to panic over every
• 22:11
  Kelly: situation.
• 22:12
  Kelly: It's funny that we have Proverbs, like just proverbial statements, and one of'em is don't cry over spillt milk Yeah.
• 22:19
  Kelly: And it's like, Maybe that's, this was the first woo woo thing to say about responding instead of
• 22:29
  Danae: Yeah.
• 22:29
  Danae: Uh, for me, I think is that I keep myself too busy.
• 22:34
  Danae: I have too many projects, I have too many places I need to go and be and people to text back.
• 22:40
  Danae: And so I'm, you know, I'm already moved on to the next thing in my mind.
• 22:46
  Danae: However, we're at home and we're needing to get out the door, or we're needing to hurry up and finish our dinner.
• 22:53
  Danae: And, and so I'm, you know, I'm not here in the present moment So
• 22:59
  Cheryl: What would you do?
• 23:00
  Cheryl: You're at home with your family still.
• 23:02
  Cheryl: What can you do Yeah.
• 23:04
  Cheryl: And certainly I think culturally, because it's not just other things.
• 23:07
  Cheryl: Now you've got all the text pinging all the time.
• 23:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:11
  Cheryl: and you've got your Instagram posts and you've got whatever, and then your kids have it and you've got the text coming in from school.
• 23:17
  Cheryl: Dne How can the listener that's hearing going, That's my life.
• 23:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:22
  Cheryl: I live in a reactive life because of it.
• 23:24
  Cheryl: What could you
• 23:25
  Danae: offer?
• 23:25
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:26
  Danae: Well, I mean, I am living this today with, you know, school assignments and coming to the tpp, to the podcast.
• 23:34
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:34
  Danae: And the relationships.
• 23:35
  Danae: And you know, this, we all have the list, right?
• 23:38
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:38
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:39
  Danae: I have to continually take the time.
• 23:43
  Danae: to sit in a quiet place mm-hmm.
• 23:45
  Danae: by myself and look at my schedule.
• 23:48
  Danae: Right.
• 23:48
  Danae: To really just keep knocking off you know, um, the different expectations, the different things that I have to do because life happens and life gets busy and it comes up, but I have to do my best to try to keep that margin.
• 24:04
  Danae: Yeah.
• 24:04
  Danae: And not just keep on that hamster wheel all the
• 24:07
  Kelly: time.
• 24:08
  Kelly: The hamster wheel.
• 24:09
  Kelly: A true metaphor, but mm-hmm.
• 24:12
  Kelly: and it's like, you're going to your quiet place for a, I can say I'm gonna eat dinner with my family.
• 24:17
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 24:18
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 24:18
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 24:18
  Kelly: Maybe I'll set an alarm.
• 24:20
  Kelly: For 30 minutes.
• 24:22
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 24:22
  Kelly: And I'm gonna spend 30 minutes with the phones away.
• 24:24
  Kelly: Everything's away.
• 24:25
  Kelly: Yes.
• 24:26
  Kelly: Being with my family.
• 24:28
  Kelly: Then when my schedule comes back up, I can be in the future because I'm thinking about all these things.
• 24:33
  Kelly: But, Well, I
• 24:34
  Danae: like that.
• 24:34
  Danae: I like that with the, the timer.
• 24:36
  Danae: I think
• 24:37
  Kelly: that's a great idea.
• 24:38
  Kelly: Idea to just, Yeah.
• 24:38
  Kelly: Just to whose technology when it's helpful.
• 24:41
  Kelly: Yes.
• 24:42
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 24:42
  Cheryl: So it's a little combination of what both of y'all said, all of you said here.
• 24:47
  Cheryl: Is to be present because a few years ago, um, I had the opportunity to get some really good, um, emotional health work and and processing.
• 24:59
  Cheryl: And it taught me the value of trying to be present with individuals and in situations.
• 25:07
  Cheryl: So let's say the carry the.
• 25:10
  Cheryl: Picture to the table that gets dropped.
• 25:13
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 25:14
  Cheryl: Not being the present about, there's juice all over the floor.
• 25:18
  Cheryl: Now
• 25:19
  Kelly: attention to the right presence.
• 25:21
  Cheryl: but present.
• 25:22
  Cheryl: With that child.
• 25:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:24
  Cheryl: that dropped it.
• 25:25
  Cheryl: If I'm very present to that person, to you right now, I'm gonna start caring more about how I respond to you.
• 25:34
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:34
  Cheryl: Rather than the react out of, oh my goodness, this is now another 20 minutes of sticky and the baby's crying.
• 25:40
  Cheryl: instead of that being very present to the person
• 25:43
  Kelly: and yeah.
• 25:44
  Kelly: And sometimes empathizing with the person one of the phrases that came is like, say, you might be right.
• 25:50
  Kelly: Well, in this situation I.
• 25:52
  Kelly: Like I have spilled, I have done something at least as bad as spilling a picture of juice or milk.
• 25:57
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 25:58
  Kelly: that I'm either glad that somebody didn't react to or I didn't like the way they did react to it.
• 26:05
  Kelly: And I can change how I respond.
• 26:08
  Kelly: I can't change the picture or the juice or the milk or whatever, but I can change how I
• 26:12
  Danae: respond.
• 26:12
  Danae: Yeah.
• 26:12
  Danae: So what you're saying is it's a place where you can sympathize with your child.
• 26:17
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 26:17
  Danae: you can really come alongside them and say, I've done that too.
• 26:22
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 26:22
  Kelly: let me have, and, and just finding out that somebody that you look up to and is in authority over.
• 26:29
  Kelly: It empathizes and sympathizes and said, I've done that.
• 26:32
  Kelly: You've done that too.
• 26:33
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 26:34
  Kelly: you're a mom.
• 26:35
  Kelly: Well, kids love parent stories.
• 26:36
  Kelly: They
• 26:37
  Danae: love when you tell
• 26:38
  Ellen: them.
• 26:39
  Ellen: Yes.
• 26:39
  Ellen: When you tell'em.
• 26:40
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 26:41
  Ellen: And I tripped in front of 20 people and you know.
• 26:44
  Ellen: Right.
• 26:44
  Ellen: You
• 26:45
  Cheryl: did.
• 26:45
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:46
  Kelly: Yes.
• 26:46
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 26:47
  Kelly: So mm-hmm.
• 26:48
  Kelly: I feel like another thing that parents can do, and a lot of the, help for.
• 26:53
  Kelly: responding instead of reacting is pausing.
• 26:56
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 26:57
  Kelly: is, just take a second and then what you do in, during that pause, it might be a 15 minute pause for Ellen, or it might just be a few seconds pause.
• 27:05
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 27:05
  Kelly: But that takes your, like you said, your emotions are at 10, it takes'em down to six or seven maybe.
• 27:10
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 27:11
  Kelly: And in that, if you think, Okay, what's the worst thing that happens?
• 27:16
  Kelly: There's juice on the floor.
• 27:18
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 27:18
  Kelly: Yes.
• 27:18
  Kelly: Maybe the picture's even broken.
• 27:21
  Kelly: Is it glass?
• 27:22
  Kelly: You know, those kind of things.
• 27:23
  Kelly: But it's like in context, is this that big a deal?
• 27:26
  Kelly: In the big scheme of things, there's a war in Ukraine, there's a hole in the gas pipe toward Europe from Russia.
• 27:32
  Kelly: I mean, right?
• 27:33
  Kelly: Does this picture really matter or mm-hmm.
• 27:35
  Kelly: Is this something I like?
• 27:36
  Kelly: Is there glass and is there a barefoot toddler toddling in at the moment?
• 27:40
  Kelly: Yeah, but do I need to react or can I just respond?
• 27:44
  Kelly: And in medicine, you'll hear a doctor every once in a while go quit thinking about zebras.
• 27:51
  Kelly: So when you hear hoof beats in Oklahoma, unless you're at 36th and Martin Luther King or wherever the zoo is, you're the hoof.
• 27:59
  Kelly: Beats are usually a horse or maybe a cow or the herd of children that are racing charges.
• 28:04
  Kelly: Yeah, children.
• 28:05
  Kelly: But it's not like there's a giant emergency.
• 28:08
  Kelly: The book Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers is a really good reminder of that, that there are lions, and then when the lion's gone, you go back to just grazing and they're back to chill.
• 28:20
  Kelly: So keep in context what's going on.
• 28:23
  Kelly: everything does not demand a big reaction.
• 28:26
  Cheryl: Very good.
• 28:26
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:27
  Cheryl: Also, when you were just talking about that, and I'm putting myself in that place, it's breakfast and on all of this.
• 28:34
  Cheryl: And you said context.
• 28:36
  Cheryl: And if I take the breath, my context is gonna be, I love this child.
• 28:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 28:42
  Cheryl: infinitely.
• 28:44
  Cheryl: And I don't care about the Jule, the floor.
• 28:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 28:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 28:47
  Cheryl: So I'm gonna make that child and how I treat that child my priority.
• 28:51
  Cheryl: But if I don't do the pause, I may not get there in my natural reactions.
• 28:56
  Kelly: Right.
• 28:56
  Kelly: Yes.
• 28:57
  Kelly: And like everything else, even if it seems counterintuitive, once you practice it for a while, it becomes second nature.
• 29:04
  Kelly: You can make good habits, you can make bad habits.
• 29:06
  Cheryl: They're habits.
• 29:07
  Cheryl: It's very.
• 29:07
  Cheryl: And that's encouragement that all of this I want to bring to the table here is we don't have to stay the same way we are.
• 29:15
  Cheryl: No.
• 29:15
  Cheryl: Or in reaction to How our parents treated us or how we raised, or that we can change.
• 29:20
  Cheryl: Right.
• 29:21
  Cheryl: And we have a new slate.
• 29:23
  Cheryl: And with our children, however old they are, whatever it's been, What you're saying, Kelly, is we can choose to be something different, right?
• 29:31
  Cheryl: And we can start a new legacy today, but you don't.
• 29:35
  Kelly: Have to be like, Ed has said she's, she's an emotional person.
• 29:40
  Kelly: She, she naturally reacts.
• 29:41
  Kelly: It's not like you have to turn that off.
• 29:43
  Kelly: We have to give you a drug or lobotomy or something.
• 29:47
  Kelly: You're just a robot.
• 29:48
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 29:48
  Kelly: you can inform other people, This is the way I am.
• 29:51
  Kelly: I'm probably gonna scream when I see a spider or a snake, or I'm probably gonna get a little worried when you bring home a bad grade or mm-hmm.
• 30:00
  Kelly: a new tattoo.
• 30:01
  Kelly: Sure.
• 30:01
  Kelly: Or something like that.
• 30:03
  Kelly: But just be, you know, That's the reflex.
• 30:08
  Kelly: Me.
• 30:09
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 30:09
  Kelly: There's a response me behind that.
• 30:11
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 30:11
  Kelly: And I'm learning and working on it.
• 30:13
  Kelly: It's a practice.
• 30:14
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 30:14
  Ellen: Whereas I know my husband's a very calm, non-reactive person, so I always thought he didn't care.
• 30:20
  Ellen: Cause I'd be like that alone.
• 30:22
  Ellen: You know, why, why aren't you upset?
• 30:24
  Ellen: And he is like, Well, you don't need to be upset.
• 30:26
  Ellen: I mean, understand this needs to be fixed.
• 30:29
  Ellen: We, we have to respect each other and the way we're created.
• 30:33
  Ellen: Cause I think that's really what you're saying.
• 30:35
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 30:35
  Ellen: And also one of the things that I think I learned was I started working through scenarios in my head with children.
• 30:43
  Ellen: How am I going to react when this happens?
• 30:45
  Ellen: Because then I start thinking through, Wow, that's big.
• 30:49
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 30:49
  Ellen: And even just little things, It doesn't mean I did it perfectly every time, but I start thinking about how would I react if my child dropped the.
• 30:58
  Ellen: Now, rather than just react and start thinking what is, because of my bad reactions mm-hmm.
• 31:06
  Ellen: then I realize I need to think through how's a better way to handle it?
• 31:10
  Ellen: How will I react if my kid comes home and says, Mom, which this did happen, I just smoked marijuana with my friend.
• 31:16
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 31:17
  Ellen: you know, and I had already thought.
• 31:19
  Ellen: Through.
• 31:20
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 31:20
  Ellen: And I thought, Wow, she trusts me enough to tell me that too.
• 31:24
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 31:24
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 31:24
  Ellen: So I just was like, but I had thought through this scenario because, you know, that's part of what our teenagers face and things like that
• 31:32
  Kelly: done.
• 31:32
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 31:33
  Kelly: So, Getting the opportunity to do that as a parent.
• 31:36
  Kelly: One time one of my children went to a concert with some friends and the others of us were, were behind him and his friends by an hour or so, and we get a call.
• 31:50
  Kelly: They have been detained because they bought beer at this concert and they are 16.
• 31:57
  Kelly: Oh.
• 31:59
  Kelly: And thankfully it was in another state, so you had a while to, We
• 32:02
  Danae: had,
• 32:02
  Kelly: we had like 45 minutes and so there was a lot of.
• 32:07
  Kelly: Processing, let's put it that way.
• 32:09
  Kelly: A lot of processing, including the big sister going, Thankfully he did something bad.
• 32:13
  Kelly: This is the best they ever And by the time we got there, we were, it was funny.
• 32:19
  Kelly: And they were not expecting us to be laughing.
• 32:22
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 32:22
  Kelly: And it turned out to be a great story.
• 32:24
  Kelly: Good.
• 32:25
  Kelly: But boy that 45 minutes or an hour, it gave us a lot of time to process.
• 32:29
  Kelly: It was a good one.
• 32:29
  Danae: I was just, uh, thinking, you know, why do we think we're not gonna have problems in this light?
• 32:36
  Danae: You know?
• 32:37
  Danae: And Ellen, I love that, that you said why, you know, why not go ahead and think through these very common Yeah.
• 32:44
  Danae: Things that our children are going to do because they're young, they're immature, and that
• 32:49
  Ellen: I probably did at their age.
• 32:51
  Ellen: Age, Yeah.
• 32:52
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 32:52
  Danae: Just to go ahead.
• 32:54
  Danae: This is part of these training years.
• 32:56
  Danae: Yeah.
• 32:57
  Danae: And then when they're young adults, this is just part of being human, like Dr.
• 33:01
  Danae: Stevens said, you know, And to give our kids the, the grace that we want
• 33:06
  Ellen: everything to have,
• 33:08
  Danae: but to
• 33:08
  Kelly: think it through, you know, it is big and one of these points, Cheryl, was name your fears and assumptions, and then you can Yeah.
• 33:17
  Kelly: Go through them.
• 33:17
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 33:18
  Kelly: And then I was telling you about premeditation, malorum, the Latin phrase for low expectations, and it's thinking of all the terrible things that could happen and then, you're kind of ready for them.
• 33:29
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 33:30
  Kelly: you either have a plan for what's gonna happen or you realize you're not in control and you don't have to worry about it.
• 33:35
  Kelly: And so it's very freeing.
• 33:38
  Kelly: Yes.
• 33:38
  Christie: I think that too gives us a kind of a zoomed out.
• 33:43
  Christie: View for our kids to say in the grand scheme of things, Yeah, yeah.
• 33:47
  Christie: This is how mom or dad feels about this instance, and I can enter into other conversations or other mishaps or other things.
• 33:55
  Christie: I can go to them and know that the grace is gonna be there for those things too, and it just relieves them of a lot of pressure.
• 34:03
  Christie: And it
• 34:03
  Kelly: builds trust.
• 34:04
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 34:04
  Kelly: Kids feel so much pressure right now.
• 34:06
  Kelly: It is.
• 34:06
  Kelly: Yes, they do.
• 34:07
  Kelly: Apparently, uh, given the fact that every one of them is anxious in some way.
• 34:11
  Kelly: Compressed in another way or both.
• 34:13
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 34:13
  Cheryl: And so I think.
• 34:15
  Cheryl: If we would sum it all up, I think grace is probably the bow that we just have to wrap around all of this.
• 34:21
  Kelly: Boo.
• 34:21
  Kelly: Very
• 34:22
  good.
• 34:22
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 34:23
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 34:23
  Cheryl: All right.
• 34:24
  Cheryl: Y'all are fantastic.
• 34:25
  Cheryl: I knew this was gonna be fun, wasn't it?
• 34:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 34:28
  Cheryl: Okay, so here is something y'all don't know.
• 34:30
  Cheryl: I'm gonna do Uhoh.
• 34:31
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 34:31
  Cheryl: So one of the things I do with Kelly, When we finish one of his interviews is I give him some rapid fire questions.
• 34:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 34:38
  Cheryl: And so something fun that's become a favorite that we do right?
• 34:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 34:41
  Cheryl: But we're gonna turn the tables here, and I ask Kelly to come with a rapid fire question for you all.
• 34:47
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 34:47
  Cheryl: Oh, wow.
• 34:48
  Kelly: Okay.
• 34:49
  Kelly: And, and any of you may answer, all of you may answer.
• 34:52
  Kelly: So first, what is one change you've made in any way since starting this podcast?
• 34:59
  Christie: Wow.
• 35:00
  Christie: nice I think I've become, Observant of my own words because, you know, when you talk about parenting and then your kids have the potential to listen, you wanna know that you're doing what you say you're, you know, believing in.
• 35:14
  Danae: yeah,
• 35:14
  Christie: So yeah.
• 35:15
  Christie: I
• 35:15
  Danae: want the mom on the
• 35:16
  Kelly: podcast.
• 35:16
  Kelly: Right.
• 35:17
  Christie: But I think too, just being, um, you know, mindful of stories to tell and mm-hmm.
• 35:23
  Christie: and experiences.
• 35:24
  Christie: I, I come in here sometimes and I'm like, I know that's happened, but Right.
• 35:28
  Christie: I can't remember.
• 35:28
  Kelly: Right.
• 35:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 35:30
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 35:30
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 35:30
  Kelly: Kelly, do you have one more?
• 35:31
  Kelly: Yes.
• 35:33
  Kelly: So, so what's the best advice you got as a parent?
• 35:37
  Kelly: I have one
• 35:39
  Danae: say yes as much as I can, because there are plenty of times to say no.
• 35:44
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 35:45
  Danae: Good.
• 35:45
  Danae: Good.
• 35:45
  Christie: Prioritize relationship.
• 35:47
  Christie: It's my broken record.
• 35:48
  Christie: Mm.
• 35:49
  Danae: Hmm.
• 35:50
  Danae: Yeah.
• 35:50
  Cheryl: Absolutely
• 35:51
  Kelly: So what's the worst advice you got as a parent?
• 35:55
  Cheryl: Obedience is more important than anything else.
• 35:57
  Ellen: Yes.
• 35:58
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 35:58
  Ellen: that was it.
• 35:58
  Ellen: Obey was all that mattered, was obey.
• 36:02
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 36:02
  Ellen: with me personally.
• 36:04
  Ellen: Obey when I'm supposed to do and teach my children to obey everything.
• 36:07
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 36:08
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 36:08
  Ellen: or
• 36:08
  Christie: with, um, young adults.
• 36:10
  Christie: My house, my rules.
• 36:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 36:12
  Christie: As long as you're under my roof,
• 36:14
  Danae: which means,
• 36:14
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 36:15
  Kelly: I'm moving out.
• 36:17
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 36:19
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 36:19
  Cheryl: Back at you, Kelly.
• 36:20
  Cheryl: What's the best bit of parenting advice you ever got?
• 36:25
  Kelly: The good luck approach.
• 36:26
  Kelly: Mmm.
• 36:27
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 36:27
  Ellen: Mm-hmm
• 36:28
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 36:28
  Cheryl: You all are amazing.
• 36:29
  Cheryl: I want to thank you again.
• 36:31
  Cheryl: Sure.
• 36:31
  Cheryl: For all of you being here,
• 36:32
  Danae: We made it.
• 36:33
  Danae: We did it.
• 36:34
  Danae: Yes.
• 36:34
  Cheryl: Congratulations.
• 36:35
  Cheryl: Wasn't this fun?
• 36:36
  Cheryl: We'll have to do it again when we can find a whole day that we can together like this.
• 36:41
  Kelly: Alright, this was great and I appreciated all the, uh, sounding boards and backboards and comments and, and it's fun to get to see the faces that I hear every week.
• 36:51
  Kelly: So it was
• 36:53
  Cheryl: great.
• 36:53
  Cheryl: Thank you.
• 36:55
  Cheryl: Okay, so parents remember, hang there.
• 36:58
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering cause it's worth it.
• 37:02
  Kelly: Yes, it is.
• 37:03
  Cheryl: Dr.
• 37:04
  Cheryl: Stevens portion of this podcast is for general informational purposes only, and does not constitute the practice of medicine, nursing, or other professional healthcare services, including the giving of medical advice.
• 37:19
  Cheryl: No doctor patient relationship is formed.
• 37:23
  Cheryl: The use of the information from Dr.
• 37:24
  Cheryl: Stevens portion of this podcast is at the user's own risk.
• 37:29
  Cheryl: The content of Dr.
• 37:31
  Cheryl: Stephens portion of this podcast is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment