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S2 Ep30: Cruise Control: Who's Really Paying the Price? 🤣. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_13: It is almost the end of vacation season, which is why I want to talk about the fastest growing part of US tourism.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_13: Cruises.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_13: The answer to the age-old question: what if porta potties had swimming pools?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_13: Now, picking a vacation is hard.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_13: We all know we have to spend our money on a lot of things, rent, car insurance, Popeye's chicken sandwiches, important stuff.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_13: But vacations are the one time you get to choose how you spend your money.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_13: That's why cruises are so appealing.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_13: They're super convenient, and they promise nonstop fun.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_14: What started is another day in paradise became the vacation of a lifetime.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_12: There's so much to see and do on the Disney cruise.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_12: Sail away party!
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_11: When you choose fun, it's like a party you never want to stop starting.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_11: Name for the buck, it can't be a carnival cruise.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_11: I've got a ditty, and we're on carnival.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_11: I've got the entire family, and we're having a blast.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, why does Guy Fieri's entire family look like they're named Guy Fieri?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_13: Also, we're the women.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_13: Apparently, the entire Fieri family is just dudes birthed from Alfredo sauce.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_13: Now you might be thinking, come on, Hasan, aren't Cruz's an old people thing?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_13: Like bingo and faith in our democracy.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_13: Not really.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_13: People of all ages love them, and it makes sense.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_13: Everyone can do what they want.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_13: Parents can drink, teenagers can club, retirees can gamble, and Muslims can we can eat, we can eat.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_13: We can't eat everything, but that's pretty much all we can do.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_13: But they're affordable.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_13: Last year, a seven-day cruise with full room and board cost about$1,500 a person.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_13: Now, here in New York, all that gets you is one ticket to Blue Man Group, two soft pretzels, and an Uber pool home.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_13: The perfect night for one.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_13: Now, cruises are a steal, and cruise companies love showing off their new features: facial recognition to speed up boarding, and geo tracking so you can get a drink brought to you anywhere on the ship.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_13: Every one of these boats feels like it was designed by drunk Walt Disney.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_13: Look at this ship.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_13: He's just like, Mickey, call Pluto and just put everything on a ship.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_13: 18 decks, 23 pools, 20 restaurants, those purple tubes off the back are a 10-story water slide.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_06: A new feature at sea, the first ever roller coaster on a cruise ship.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_13: The first at sea go-kart track.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Outside skydive simulator, robotic bartenders.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_12: More than 6,600 passengers, 2200 crew.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_12: It's five times the size of the Titanic.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_13: You can't compare cruise ships to the Titanic.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_13: Like a new power plant is never like good news, guys.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_13: We're five times the size of Chernobyl.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_13: No, no matter what you're into, there is a cruise for you.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_15: The official World Bank Cruise of David Hasselhoff.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_15: He will be with you for the entire cruise.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_06: Cruise nude with bare necessities tour and travel.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_03: The Church of Scientology's advanced religious retreat, the freeway.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_06: Let me bring up our captain! Captain Kid Rock! Goddamn motherfucker, I'm back!
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_13: Kid Rock has a cruise.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_13: It's like Captain Phillips, but the pirates are the good guys.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_13: They show up, they're like, I'm the captain now.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_13: And everyone's like, thank God.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_13: Save us from this greasy scarecrow.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_13: But no matter which cruise you're taking, there's a good chance it's on a ship owned by one of three companies: Carnival, Royal Caribbean, or Norwegian Cruise Line.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_13: Between them, they control more than 80% of the market.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_13: A market that's worth almost$50 billion.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_13: And that market is growing faster than Marianne Williamson's crystal collection, okay?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_13: By 2020, almost 30 million people a year will be taking cruises.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_13: 30 million! That is 50 Wyomings or a single bus in Mumbai.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_13: That's a lot of people.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_13: But before you buy your tickets, there's a lot you should probably know about cruises.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_13: First off, it should not come as a surprise that cruise ships aren't great for the ocean.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_13: In the last 30 years, the industry has been caught polluting and dumping hundreds of times.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_13: They've paid over a hundred million dollars in fines.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_13: And that's just illegal dumping.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_13: Legally, cruise ships are permitted to dump food waste, cargo residue, cleaning agents, and animal carcasses, which are also the four most popular buffet items on the Kid Rock cruise.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_13: Now, let's just talk emissions, okay?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_13: Moving a floating city burns a lot of fuel, which is why per passenger cruise ships emit three to four times more CO2 than jets.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_13: And there's other kinds of pollution too, like the stuff that causes acid rain.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_13: Carnival emits more sulfur dioxide than all of Europe's cars.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_13: That's wild.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_13: Because you know all of those European cars smoke.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_13: They just sit around, they're like, I gotta change my oil.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_13: One of them's like, you know, I was in the Italian job, right?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_13: And that's just one type of gas from one cruise line on one continent.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_13: Now, look, a month ago, I totally wanted to take my family on a cruise.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_13: But this is the problem with looking into things.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_13: Like when you actually do the research, everything secretly sucks.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_13: And with cruises, it starts with a fine print on your ticket.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_13: Nobody ever reads the fine print.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_13: I'll give you guys an example, okay?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_13: When you accepted your ticket here tonight, you guys all agreed to name your next child Vladi Dilok.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_13: Congratulations, your next baby is now Serbian.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_13: Cruise ticket language is just as absurd.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_13: Carnival says they can enter and search your room anytime they want.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_13: Royal Caribbean can lock you in your room if you're, quote, being detrimental to the enjoyment of others.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_13: They're like your parents, man.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_13: They can ground you, lock you in your room, and go through your shit, and they're just like, ugh, sometimes, Kevin.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_13: I wonder if you're even my passenger.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_13: Meanwhile, Norwegian's fine print straight up sounds like it was written by Jack Sparrow.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_13: They say they cannot be held liable for damages resulting from revolution, rebellion, insurrection, revolt of the crew, or perils of the sea.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_13: What are perils of the sea?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_13: Norwegian crews is just like, we are sailing to the edge of the world.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_13: Who knows what foul beasts we will encounter?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_13: Also, Nerf basketball closes at 11.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_13: These disclaimers all sound nuts, but the more you pull back the curtain on the cruise industry, an employee revolt sounds about right.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_13: Because cruise passengers are living large, but crew members, not so much.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: It's all spelled out in this damning report from the Centers for Disease Control.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_02: Over 15 full trolleys of food, including milk, raw meats, pasteurized eggs, cheeses of all types, all hidden in individual cabins shared by two or three galley crew members, in order to avoid inspection.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_02: So it was you, two other crew cabin members, and a trolley full of salami.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_02: And so, and blue cheese.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_13: Oh my god, they are making their workers live inside lunchables.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_13: Dude, someone caught him some air holes.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_13: Now, many crews employees say that they can work between 70 and 90 hours a week with no overtime for months straight, making as little as 500 bucks a month, which comes out to a dollar and eighty cents an hour.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_13: No job should pay less than the tooth fairy, okay?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_13: Can you imagine going to payroll and they're like, okay,$1.80.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_13: Would you like that as direct deposit or four coins?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_13: The entire industry is built on these types of labor practices.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_13: This is an actual Carnival recruiting video.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_13: Now, see if you can spot the parts where they promise to abuse workers.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_14: At Carnival, there's always a ship ready for you.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_14: Are you compassionate and helpful?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_14: Do you learn quickly?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_14: And can you keep up with the requirements of a 24 hours a day, seven days a week operation, consisting of an average work week of 70 hours?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_14: Are you punctual?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, how is punctual an option?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_13: You can't be late if you're working 24 hours a day.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_13: Now you might be wondering who is working these terrible jobs.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_13: Well, let's ask the CEO of Royal Caribbean.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_05: We already have more Filipino uh seafarers than any other nationality.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_05: And they provide our a tremendous level of service.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_05: Our guests love them.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_05: And the other thing is they seem to love us.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_13: Yeah, they probably don't.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_13: That's the same kind of guy that thinks strippers are really into him.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_13: He's like, I know it's crazy, but I felt the connection with Chardonnay.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_13: And I think she felt it too.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_13: Now look, almost a third of all cruise employees are Filipino.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_13: Cruise lines love hiring Filipino workers.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_13: That's because the Filipino government bars its citizens working on ships from taking nearly all legal action against a foreign company.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_13: This process is complicated, but here's basically what ends up happening.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_13: If a worker gets hurt, right, the Filipino government forces them to accept a low payment based on which body part is injured.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_13: So these are real numbers.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_13: If a Filipino cruise employee loses his ear, he can get up to$5,225.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_13: A ring finger is$3,000.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_13: And if you paralyze both legs, that's$60,000.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_13: And look, I know everybody's wondering.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_13: I can see it in your eyes.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_13: How much is the penis?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_13: I want to ask you guys the same question philosophers have pondered for millennia.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_13: What is the value of dick?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_13: How much is that dick worth?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_13: Now guys, don't just throw in a random number.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_13: We're gonna use price and write rules, alright?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_13: How much is a dick?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_02: 510.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_13: Half a mil.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_13: Okay.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_13: How much is a dick?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_15: Maybe 200.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_13: Maybe 25.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_13: Alright, we got a big disparity here.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_13: A penis is worth$20,900.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_13: See, that's humbling.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_13: A dick is worth a 2017 Ford Fiesta.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_13: So workers face low wages, brutal hours, disgusting working conditions, and often have little recourse.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_13: And it's all legal because of this one bizarre subset of law.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_13: It's called maritime law.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_13: It lets cruise lines play by a completely different set of rules.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_13: And it's how the high seas become the Wild West.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_02: Companies register most of their ships in small countries across the globe.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_02: And because the companies fly those foreign flags, they don't have to abide by strict U.S.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_02: regulations, even though they operate out of U.S.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_02: ports and carry mainly U.S.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_02: passengers.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_02: They're kind of in a world of their own.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_04: And when you're in a world of your own, you can do what you want.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_04: And that's exactly what they do.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_13: I take his point, though it's weird to hear a Rockefeller complain about people living in a world of their own.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_13: Dude, you have your own plaza.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_13: Now, cruises get away with exploiting their workers because of a maritime law called flying a flag of convenience.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_13: The same way you have to register your car in a state, cruise lines have to register their ships in a country.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_13: But they get to pick which country, and as a bonus, they get to follow that country's tax laws, labor laws, and safety regulations.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_13: So even though Carnival, Royal Caribbean, and Norwegian have headquarters in Miami, Carnival ships are registered in Panama.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_13: Royal Caribbean and Norwegian ships are registered in the Bahamas.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_13: That's right, a cruise line named after Norway operates ships from the Bahamas with headquarters in Florida.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_13: It is the Rachel Dolezhal of company.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_13: They're like, yes, I'm technically from the Bahamas, but I identify as a Norwegian from Florida.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_13: Also, as you can see, I'm black.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_13: Now, about 90% of commercial ships that sail in and out of the US fly foreign flags.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_13: It saves cruise lines billions in wages and taxes.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_13: In the last three years, Carnival made almost 9 billion in income, but paid less than 2% in taxes.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_13: Remember, their executives are in Miami.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_13: They make all of their decisions out of Miami, but somehow legally, their company is in Panama.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_13: Each boat is basically a floating Swiss bank account, and Shaq is their CFO.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_13: Flags of convenience also hurt passengers, especially when it comes to crime.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_13: Now let's say you're on a carnival ship that leaves from Miami, Florida.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_13: For the first nine miles, you're still technically in Florida.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_13: So if someone steals your signed copy of If I Did It, Florida is responsible for dealing with it.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_13: That's already bad.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_13: From nine to twelve miles, you're in federal waters, which means it's under FBI's jurisdiction.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_13: Twelve miles out, you enter international waters.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_13: But since you're on a Panamanian flagship, you're legally in Panama.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_13: This is all so confusing.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_13: Which means a lot of crime at sea goes unpunished.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_08: A man came and grabbed me by the hair and beat my head against the wall until I became unconscious.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_07: She reported it to the onboard security and to police when she docked in Puerto Rico.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_08: By the time we were through uh having the police explain to me that they had no jurisdiction, they'd already let this man off the ship.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_08: So, according to all crime statistics for that ship, no crime ever occurred.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_08: I mean, if this had happened at a 7-Eleven, this man would have been arrested.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, you know things are bad when your gold standard for law and order is a 7-Eleven.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_13: Getting away with crime on a cruise is easier because of how maritime law handles crime reporting.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_13: Now it's never been great, but for nearly a century, cruises weren't legally required to report any crimes to anyone.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_13: Then in 2010, President Obama signed a law called the Cruise Vessel Security and Safety Act.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_13: It improved a ton of different safety measures and said that for the first time, that if any of these serious crimes occurred, the ship had to report them to the FBI.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_13: Now, homicide, I get.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_13: But then after that, they only have to report suspicious deaths.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_13: Here's what that means, alright?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_13: If a death happens on the ship and it's not suspicious, they don't have to say anything to the FBI.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_13: So hypothetically, say grandpa fell off the Lido deck.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_13: Is he just clumsy?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_13: Or did he piss off grandma?
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_13: Now look, now she was laughing and holding a martini the whole time, but I would call that suspicious.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_13: But if the cruise line doesn't want to deal with it, they can call it whatever they want.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_13: That's the whole game.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_13: Suspicious is in the eye of the beholder.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_13: Like, look at this house.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_13: Does it look suspicious?
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_13: Well, it should, because that's Ted Bundy's house, okay?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_13: Suspicious deaths aren't the biggest concern on cruise ships.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_13: That's really Ted Bundy's house.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_13: We had to pull that in.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, but assaults on cruise ships, those are a different story.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_13: And this is when semantics gets really serious.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_13: Sexual assault is the most common crime committed on board.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_13: And over a third of those victims are minors.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_13: And that's a huge problem that Obama's law failed to fix.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_13: Because it is still the cruise line's job to determine which assaults need to be reported to the FBI.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_13: So they could call say sexual assault, groping, or inappropriate touching.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_13: And then they never have to tell the FBI about it.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_06: Abby says she was sexually assaulted by an instructor in the gym on a Carnival cruise.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_06: And because of conflicting information and lack of evidence, no criminal charges were filed.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_06: But Carnival acknowledged that something did happen.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_06: In email sent to the Smiths, our heartfelt apologies for the unfortunate incident.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_06: Carnival also offered them a refund, a complimentary cruise, and to pay for counseling for Abby.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_06: She doesn't want a free cruise.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_13: They're like, you know what'll help you through this trauma?
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_13: Seven days at the scene of the crime.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_13: These shady reporting tactics protect the cruise lines, but nothing protects them more than the mother of all maritime laws, DOSA, which stands for Death on the High Seas Act, a law that goes back almost a hundred years.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_07: The 1920 Death on the High Seas Act is a US law that allows survivors' family members to sue a cruise line.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_07: But damages in the case of death are limited.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_10: The cruise is only responsible for actual expenses and any dependent beneficiaries.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_13: Actual expenses means the cost of the funeral.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_13: In dependent beneficiaries, it means you can recover only what the dead person would have earned over their expected lifetime.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_13: So to put it another way.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_13: Sounds like how Jeff Bezos negs women.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_04: Now, I bet you're wondering, do that many people really die on cruise ships?
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_04: There are no cameras in most cases on most cruise ships that record what happens on the balcony.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_04: It's a perfect place to commit a crime, to assault someone, and to throw them overboard.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_04: Most people get away with it.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_13: Hey, CNN, don't just spell it out, man.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_13: They're like, hey, murderers, want to get away with it?
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_13: Do it on a boat.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_13: Now, to be fair, not that many people get murdered on cruise ships.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_13: But unfortunately, one kind of death is way more common than it should be.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: The Coast Guard is investigating the drowning death of a 10-year-old girl in a cruise ship swimming pool.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: Last year, a four-year-old boy died in the swimming pool of another Norwegian cruise line ship.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_10: Since then, there have been at least eight lawsuits where kids drowned in cruise ship pools and three more near drownings.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_13: This is devastating.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_13: And you may be wondering, Hasan, where was the lifeguard?
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_13: You have a floating city at sea with maybe six or seven different pools and no lifeguards on duty.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_02: Why don't these cruise lines just add lifeguards?
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_13: It's all about money for them.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_13: Because there's such a small amount of space on the ships, they can either have a crew member or a passenger on board.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_13: They always want the passenger because the passengers are spending money.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, you have to understand.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_13: Royal Caribbean and Norwegian only started putting lifeguards on boats two years ago.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_13: And Carnival, the biggest company of them all, still doesn't have lifeguards.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_13: How is that even possible?
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_13: They have swimming pools, hot tubs, water parks, thousands of child passengers, and everyone at Carnival is like, guys, are we missing something?
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_13: And a guy's like, roller coasters.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_13: Bob, you are a lifesaver.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_13: Now, for years, victims' families have tried to get Congress to change DOSA.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_13: In 2010, they tried to pass new rules so that families could sue for damages due to negligence.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_13: But cruise lines spent millions fighting it and it went nowhere.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_13: Then in 2017, Congress tried to pass another bill to do the same thing, but it died in committee.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_13: Because the cruise lines know that if their passengers could actually hold them accountable, it would cost them millions, which they can't afford because we all know that they're just a poor Panamanian operation.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_13: Now look, I understand if you love cruises, what other business could get Leonardo DiCaprio to date someone his own age?
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_13: But you should know the price of a cruise is not$1,500.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_13: The real cost is shitty air, poisoned water, piles of garbage, lost tax revenue, worker abuse, climate change, unreported crime, and preventable deaths.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_13: And if that's still worth it to you, then at the very least, please watch this informative safety video.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_13: Welcome aboard.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_13: As you set out on your luxury cruise vacation, here's a few important tips that the cruise companies may forget to tell you.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_13: Please switch your find my phone setting to on.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_13: That way, if you're accidentally shoved overboard by an angry spouse, the Panamanian police might be able to find you.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_13: Please bring plenty of cash for tipping the staff.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_13: Because your server at Guy Fieri's Burger Joint will also be the person performing your emergency tracheotomy.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_13: Your breakfast, Captain?
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_13: Not now, Ernesto! You'll want to memorize the phone number for the FBI in case you're the victim of a serious crime.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_13: Otherwise, you'll need to figure out how far you are from shore, where your ship is flagged, and how to reach that country's cops.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_13: Also, some passengers may occasionally experience getting stabbed.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_13: If you are getting stabbed, ask your attacker to make it look suspicious.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_13: Otherwise, no one will ever know about it.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_13: And finally, try to avoid the following: pools without lifeguards, salami, blue cheese, kid rock, and telling your Filipino server that his penis is only worth$21,000.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_13: He's not gonna like that.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_13: I wouldn't either.