Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / The Monthly Date That Changes Everything

Transcript

The Monthly Date That Changes Everything · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: There is one day each month that can change your relationship,
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  Speaker 1: change your family, change almost everything for your child. We're
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  Speaker 1: going to tell you about that in just a sec.
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  Speaker 1: Stay with us. Hello and welcome to The Happy Family's podcast,
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  Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions. Every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast,
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  Speaker 1: we are Justin and Kylie Courson and every Friday we
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  Speaker 1: get I was going to say down and dirty, but
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  Speaker 1: that's not really what this podcast is about. We get
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  Speaker 1: it into the details, the nitty gretaya. I'm so funny
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  Speaker 1: that I made you snort? Was that a snort? Maybe
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  Speaker 1: we get into the detail of how our family is going,
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  Speaker 1: what we're doing right, what we're doing wrong, how we
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  Speaker 1: can do things better, and we introspect because we want
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  Speaker 1: to be intentional parents. Today. I'm going to go first
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  Speaker 1: because my one is really, really, really short. Over the
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  Speaker 1: course of this past week, I've been doing a lot
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  Speaker 1: of staff development seminars and sessions professional development for teachers.
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  Speaker 1: This last week being away, it's reminded me of how
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  Speaker 1: bad hotel pillows are, no matter what hotel you're staying at,
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  Speaker 1: and it's reminded me of how much I missed my
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  Speaker 1: family when I travel. It's the hardest part of my job.
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  Speaker 1: The best part is making a difference in people's lives,
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  Speaker 1: but the hardest part, without question, is being away from
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  Speaker 1: you and the kids on whatever day. It was a
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  Speaker 1: couple of days ago I got back from having been
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  Speaker 1: away for two nights, and when I got home, I
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  Speaker 1: walked into the kitchen to find you having made a delicious, healthy,
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  Speaker 1: gluten free bananaca cake, and our two teenage daughters, and
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  Speaker 1: they were just delighting in one another. They were laughing,
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  Speaker 1: they were telling stories, they were Do you ever remember
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  Speaker 1: what they were talking about. I mean, it was just stuff, right,
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  Speaker 1: just teenage girls being fun, teenage girls, two sisters having
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  Speaker 1: a laugh.
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  Speaker 2: Well, the fact that one of them had been away
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  Speaker 2: for nearly two weeks made the reunion delightful.
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  Speaker 1: Having a really great catch up. But the thing is,
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  Speaker 1: I had a really big headache because I hadn't slept
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  Speaker 1: because of a bad pillow in a hotel room. But
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  Speaker 1: walking in and hearing these two girls catching up and
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  Speaker 1: spending time together and laughing their heads off, I don't
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  Speaker 1: know what's happening to me. I guess I've kind of
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  Speaker 1: always done this. We do it all the way through
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  Speaker 1: but at the moment, there's something happening where I feel
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  Speaker 1: like these experiences are richer than they've ever been. We're
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  Speaker 1: dealing with daughters four and five in their teens now
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  Speaker 1: only daughter to number six is still to hit hers,
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  Speaker 1: and there's something about it. I just I want to
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  Speaker 1: reach out and capture the moment. I don't want the
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  Speaker 1: moment to disappear. It almost brings me to tears. As
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  Speaker 1: I stood in the kitchen and spread butter, probably too
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  Speaker 1: much butter on my healthy, gluten free banana cake that
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  Speaker 1: you had made, and listen to the girls, I thought,
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  Speaker 1: I want this moment to last forever. This is heaven.
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  Speaker 1: My old do better tomorrow is how can we have
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  Speaker 1: number one more of those moments then number two? How
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  Speaker 1: can we be in those moments and inhaled them. How
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  Speaker 1: can we absorb them? How can we emblaze them on
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  Speaker 1: our memories? And I think the only way that you
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  Speaker 1: can do it is to be absolutely present. I wasn't
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  Speaker 1: interested in checking my emails, even though I hadn't looked
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  Speaker 1: at them all day. Didn't really care if I had
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  Speaker 1: any social media notifications.
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  Speaker 2: The fact that you had delicious banana bread in your hands,
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  Speaker 2: it may have sweetened the moment it just.
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  Speaker 1: Said to me. It did certainly keep me really present
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  Speaker 1: and right there, but it was just this, I mean intention, mindfulness.
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  Speaker 1: I want to do a quick experiment with you. You
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  Speaker 1: might have done this with me before, and if you have,
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  Speaker 1: then try not to try not to ruin it. I
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  Speaker 1: want to do some quick maths with you. What's a
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  Speaker 1: thousand plus forty.
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  Speaker 2: One thousand and forty plus one thousand, two thousand and
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  Speaker 2: forty plus thirty two thousand and seventy plus one thousand,
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  Speaker 2: three thousand and seventy plus twenty three thousand and nineteen
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  Speaker 2: plus one thousand, four thousand and ninety plus ten four
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  Speaker 2: thousand and one hundred.
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  Speaker 1: I think I've done this with you before. You were
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  Speaker 1: paying too much attention. You knew what was coming. But
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to know.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not good at math so I needed to make
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  Speaker 2: sure I wasn't going to make a fool of myself.
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  Speaker 2: You've got the record, but none.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I guess there's two things here. First, first thing,
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  Speaker 1: you're saying you're not good at maths, so therefore you
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  Speaker 1: had to pay attention on the same day that I
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  Speaker 1: had this beautiful interaction with our daughters. I ran that
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  Speaker 1: puzzle by a room of educators, probably one hundred school
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  Speaker 1: teachers are sitting in the room, and the opening exercise,
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  Speaker 1: the opening conversation piece for my keynote presentation for them
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  Speaker 1: was let's do some simple maths and wake up your brain.
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  Speaker 1: And when you get to four thousand and nine and
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  Speaker 1: I say plus ten, the whole room and I've done
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  Speaker 1: this with hundreds, No, I've done this with thousands of
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  Speaker 1: people over the years. The whole room and maybe whoever's
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  Speaker 1: listening to the podcast felt the same way. Everyone just
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  Speaker 1: says five thousand. They go their mind lessly because you're
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  Speaker 1: not good at maths. You are trying really hard to
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  Speaker 1: be in the moment. Quite often they're in the room
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  Speaker 1: and they're not so much in the moment, they're just
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  Speaker 1: sort of on autopilot. And really, my take home messages
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  Speaker 1: when it comes to our kids, we can't be on autopilot,
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  Speaker 1: or maybe a better term for it would be we
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  Speaker 1: can't be on auto parent. We need to be there
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  Speaker 1: in the moment with them, paying attention. When we do it,
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  Speaker 1: the moments are just so much richer. That's my I'll
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  Speaker 1: do better tomorrow, be in the moment soak it up
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  Speaker 1: because one day they're not going to be three, or seven,
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  Speaker 1: or eleven or fourteen and seventeen. Again, Kylie, what's your
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  Speaker 1: I'll do better tomorrow? We've teased it at the top
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  Speaker 1: of the podcast. There's one day each month that will
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  Speaker 1: make a bigger difference in your family's life and your
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  Speaker 1: kid's life than just about anything else.
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  Speaker 2: And beautifully from your message in that you have to
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  Speaker 2: be intentional. I would love to attribute this to.
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  Speaker 1: Our genius and prowess and brilliance as parents.
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  Speaker 2: But this actually has to go to one of our listeners,
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  Speaker 2: and I wish that I had taken note of their
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  Speaker 2: name when I read their comment because it has stuck
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  Speaker 2: with me. But they suggested that one of the things
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  Speaker 2: they do in their home is they have a date
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  Speaker 2: night with each of their children on the birth date
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  Speaker 2: of each of them.
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  Speaker 1: Right, So basically, if your child is born on the
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  Speaker 1: second of May, every month January through December, on the second,
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  Speaker 1: you have a date night or an outing of some kind.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe it's a brecky, but you go and do something
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  Speaker 1: to celebrate their birth day each month.
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  Speaker 2: So it's not about celebrating their birthday, it's actually about
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  Speaker 2: being intentional about making time.
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  Speaker 1: Together break clariticase.
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  Speaker 2: So I attempted to do it last year with moderate success.
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  Speaker 2: It's a little bit tricky. There's six of them, and
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  Speaker 2: our lives were very, very busy last year.
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  Speaker 1: That is a lot of date nights or date days,
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  Speaker 1: or mornings out or whatever. It's a lot.
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  Speaker 2: But at the beginning of the year I recommitted that
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  Speaker 2: this was something I really wanted to try. I sat
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  Speaker 2: down and looked at my calendar. I actually marked out
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  Speaker 2: the days that I would be required, and then I
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  Speaker 2: worked out exactly what would make a meaningful experience for
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  Speaker 2: each of our children. If we leave it to chance,
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  Speaker 2: if we leave it to the last minute, we're going
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  Speaker 2: to have a substandard experience. But if we are actually
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  Speaker 2: really intentional, do you know what, this is something that
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  Speaker 2: either my child's been dying to do forever and we
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  Speaker 2: just have never got around to it, or this is
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  Speaker 2: something that's going to light my child up. You are
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  Speaker 2: going to build memories with your children in ways that
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  Speaker 2: you won't otherwise do so because you are willing to
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  Speaker 2: be so in the moment with them.
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  Speaker 1: There's a podcast that I really like listening to who
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  Speaker 1: says something along the lines of the definition of love
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  Speaker 1: is bearing witness to one another's lives, and I love
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  Speaker 1: that idea. It's about to get this, you have to
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  Speaker 1: be together. You have to be considered and affectionate towards
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  Speaker 1: one another and watch and participate and spend time in
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  Speaker 1: one another's lives. That's how you show that you love them.
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  Speaker 2: So the other day I took one of our girls
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  Speaker 2: out for an early morning walk. She doesn't love getting
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  Speaker 2: up too early, so this was a little.
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  Speaker 1: Bit of a stretch for the statement of the month.
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  Speaker 2: But I did sweeten the deal with an Assaiah bowl.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know whoever came up with the idea or concept,
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  Speaker 2: but to me, it is sunshine in a cup and
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  Speaker 2: it is the best way to start a day.
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  Speaker 1: I love that. I can't stand this stuff. I don't
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  Speaker 1: know how you eat it. You've you've tried to force
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  Speaker 1: feed it to me, and every time it's just like wow.
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  Speaker 1: That is so especially.
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  Speaker 2: When you put some payin nuts in there and you've
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  Speaker 2: got the crunch and the sweet. Oh, it's just a
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  Speaker 2: awesome I love it, but so does she, so she
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  Speaker 2: doesn't want to pay for it though. So going on
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  Speaker 2: a little date, have.
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  Speaker 1: You noticed that none of our kids want to pay
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  Speaker 1: for anything. It's always on us all the time. I
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  Speaker 1: wonder if we were like that with our parents. Think so.
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  Speaker 2: But part of the sunshine in a cup is being
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  Speaker 2: able to sit down on the water's edge and to
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  Speaker 2: just soak in the sun's rays and just that beautiful
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  Speaker 2: positive energy from the ocean and lap it up. And
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  Speaker 2: what's beautiful about that is sitting side by side and
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  Speaker 2: being in that beautiful setting. Conversations that would not happen
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  Speaker 2: any other way start to flow. And as I listened
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  Speaker 2: to her share the things that she was really excited about,
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  Speaker 2: I was blowing away how much growth has taken place,
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  Speaker 2: even in the last six months.
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  Speaker 1: Tangent on this, and it's a really important tangent for
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  Speaker 1: any parent who has got a child who says, this
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  Speaker 1: is what I want to do or this is the
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  Speaker 1: path that I want to take. Some research that came
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  Speaker 1: out some years ago from a researcher named Laura King.
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  Speaker 1: She looked at this concept known as the best Possible
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  Speaker 1: Future Self. Essentially, what it is is it's a projecting
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  Speaker 1: yourself into the future and imagining in five or ten
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  Speaker 1: years all the things that you want to have happened
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  Speaker 1: having happened, so that you can see not just the
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  Speaker 1: kind of life you're living, but the kind of person
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  Speaker 1: you've become. It's really much more about character than career
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  Speaker 1: and finances and aspiration. But what's fascinating about her research
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  Speaker 1: is I can't remember it was her or some career researchers.
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  Speaker 1: They took on this idea and said, well, that's great
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  Speaker 1: if you've got a clear idea of what you want
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  Speaker 1: to do, but there's potentially a whole lot of different
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  Speaker 1: best possible future selves. What they found was when they
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  Speaker 1: got people to do this experiment where they would imagine
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  Speaker 1: themselves doing the thing that they dreamed of, but also
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  Speaker 1: doing one or two other things that they hadn't really
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  Speaker 1: dreamed of, but they might really like to do or
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  Speaker 1: really like to try, things that are completely different to
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  Speaker 1: their dream career or dream goal. They found that people
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  Speaker 1: were much more balanced and much more relaxed about the future,
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  Speaker 1: and their well being was higher, and their life satisfaction
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  Speaker 1: was higher because they weren't so boldly completely wedded to
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  Speaker 1: this one true path. What they started to understand was,
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  Speaker 1: I can take the pressure off a bit because there
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  Speaker 1: are a multitude of different things that I could do
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  Speaker 1: that could still help me to be who I wanted
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  Speaker 1: to be, develop how I wanted to develop, and make
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  Speaker 1: a difference in the way that I'd like to do it.
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  Speaker 1: So when I hear you tell that story, that sparks
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  Speaker 1: joy and satisfaction and optimism for me because it makes
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  Speaker 1: me think our daughter was initially rigidly fixed to a
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  Speaker 1: specific career path, and now she's going there's any number
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  Speaker 1: of options that might be suitable for me.
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  Speaker 2: We were also able to talk about the things that
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  Speaker 2: she was anxious about, the things that were worrying her
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  Speaker 2: at the moment, the things that she was fearful of,
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  Speaker 2: and just being able to sit there in again, without
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  Speaker 2: the agenda, without the stress of everybody else in the
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  Speaker 2: house moving and getting on with things. That intentional time
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  Speaker 2: that's taken away from everything else meant that we could
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  Speaker 2: sit there and I could actually listen here, offer support
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  Speaker 2: and we could work through those challenges. You know, the
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  Speaker 2: best thing to say to you kid when they're struggling
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  Speaker 2: like that, what's the worst thing that could happen if
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  Speaker 2: that happens. What's going to happen if you fail that class?
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  Speaker 2: What's the worst thing is someone going to die? Is
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  Speaker 2: it going to you know, like, is the world going
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  Speaker 2: to erupt? No, You're going to have to do another class.
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  Speaker 2: It's not the end of the world. Your teacher might
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  Speaker 2: be able to give you an extension assignment, or you know,
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  Speaker 2: like there's so many other possibilities, but they always we
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  Speaker 2: human nature, we go to the worst possible case scenario.
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  Speaker 2: So it's just it was just a really lovely, lovely
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  Speaker 2: opportunity to have that moment, and I want more of them.
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  Speaker 1: So to take our message for your old do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 2: Be intentional about finding moments that you can spend with
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  Speaker 2: your child. It might be the structure that we've been
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  Speaker 2: shared by one of our wonderful listeners if you're out there,
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  Speaker 2: but it might be another way. You might do it
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  Speaker 2: each weekend, or it might be a Sunday thing, whatever,
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  Speaker 2: whatever works for your family. It is about making time
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  Speaker 2: for each of your.
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  Speaker 1: Children, one on one love A spelled T. I M
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  Speaker 1: to our kids. We really hope that there's some helpful
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  Speaker 1: take my message and inspiration from our older better tomorrow,
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  Speaker 1: have a great weekend. The Happy Families podcast is produced
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  Speaker 1: by Justin Roland. For more information and resources that will
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  Speaker 1: make your family happier. We'd love for you to visit
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  Speaker 1: us at happy families dot com dot au