Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 201. When Your Priorities, Values, And Goals Are Not Aligned As A Couple

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201. When Your Priorities, Values, And Goals Are Not Aligned As A Couple · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: When your priorities, values and goals don't align as a couple.
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy, and we are grateful to have you join us today.
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: And we're on episode in the 200s.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: We are.
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: That's crazy.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: That is crazy.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: We didn't crank these things out.
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: We've been talking for over 200 episodes.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: And the fact that we have a few people still listening to us.
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: A lot and it keeps growing.
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: Thank you everybody.
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: It's amazing.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it is.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: It's quite humbling and have exceeded our expectations as to how many people are listening to the podcast and how many emails and different feedback we get.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: People love the podcast, so thank you very much.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: We very appreciate that and, yeah, hopefully the things we can share and continue to do can be helpful in your marriage and relationships.
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: And if you don't follow us on Instagram, I highly recommend it only for the fact that you take our polls.
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: If you're not super into social media or if you don't have it, that's great.
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: That's probably better for your marriage, but if you do have it, just go jump on our stories.
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: We try to do polls, probably twice a week, and it gives us a really good sense of where couples are coming from, what they're struggling with, what topics we should talk about.
• 2:07
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: I feel like it's just.
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: It's really awesome that you guys will take those and we get significant numbers from that, which, I don't know, gives us a pretty good, realistic idea, right.
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, our Instagram is fun.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: Like you said, we do videos and polls and all sorts of different stuff.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, it is really fun.
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: So, even if you're not into like posts and all that stuff, just maybe check the stories once in a while.
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: It's a little more personal in the stories.
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: At least you get like app updates on there, podcast topic releases, stuff like that, and then our polls and surveys.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, we love doing our polls.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: Every time we put out a poll, we love that, we enjoy doing that.
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: So, diving into this podcast again, when your priorities, values and goals don't align as a couple, you know what can you do and, honestly, we see a lot of couples, including ourselves.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: There's been certain times in our marriage where I would say our priorities and goals did not align.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: I think our values have always aligned, but we're going to lump them all in together, but there are definitely times in our marriage where our priorities and our goals did not align and it was not good.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: It was not good.
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: Yeah, would you like to expand on that?
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: No, I mean, I think people have heard our story.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: But yeah, I mean, my, what was important to me at the time was not what you needed or what not what you were important.
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: Called golf or business.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: Which one Both yeah, both times Exactly.
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: And now I want to play golf and he doesn't.
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: So our priorities have aligned.
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: They shifted again.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: They've gone out of balance again.
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: I was like, wait, I want to go golfing now and you never do.
• 3:48
  Speaker 3: What the crap's going on?
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: Take me golfing, all right.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: That's a different podcast.
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: I guess I'll go golfing with some girls instead, if you're not going to take me.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: So we kind of want to go over starting this podcast and going over the common things, the common priorities, values and goals that couples really do get out of alignment over, and how they can affect your marriage, and then we'll jump into.
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: You know, hey, what do we do when our priorities, values and goals are not aligned?
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: How do we get these back on track?
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: How do we fix it?
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: So starting out, I would say first, is financial priorities.
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: You see a lot of couples that one spouse is a saver, one spouse is a spender, one spouse is, you know, focusing on the now.
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: How can I get gratification now and buy things now?
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: And maybe the other spouse is like, hey, I want to save up for my retirement.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: Right, you are smiling.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: I know in her mind she's thinking, yeah, we're a little bit like this.
• 4:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah, Nick likes to spend money on food, eating out shoes and vacations.
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: Shoes.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: I don't know what she's talking about.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: Actually the vacations yes, eating out.
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: yes, yeah, I do like to do those.
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: Oh wait, I was right.
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: You were right.
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and Amy likes to save money.
• 5:16
  Speaker 3: Because I worry about the future.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: yes, yeah, so yeah, here we are starting out and we already have different, I guess, goals.
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: But we talk about these and we find balances in our goals, right.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: We do, we do a good job.
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: I'm just joking.
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: I'm not joking, but I am joking.
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: He likes to eat out, which is fine, so we budget that and prioritize date nights around that, and we try to do a vacation every so often.
• 5:51
  Speaker 3: That's in our budget and we try to save money from other places so that we can do that.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: For sure.
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: So we do work.
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: I mean, those things are important to him, so we make it work for our marriage.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and then obviously part of the financial things is debt.
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of couples some spouses are okay with debt, other spouses really like to be out of debt.
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: For our marriage, at least we're both we both like to be out of debt as much as we can.
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: We are both very much anti-debt, so at least we got that going for us right and I don't know how any couple can have an anti-debt person and a debt person.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that is a tough one.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: That has got to be super, super hard.
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: Yep, so that's one that couples really struggle with.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: Another one is career ambitions, where one spouse puts their career and ambitions and everything above you know, their wife or husband or family or things like that.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: Sometimes what falls into that as well is like if your career makes you live somewhere else, if your career takes you out of town a lot, I mean those can be serious imbalances that we actually know, people that you know.
• 7:07
  Speaker 3: Or if your spouse is just a workaholic, it can be super that simple.
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure or they're obsessed with their work and prioritizing their work Like that.
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: We hear from a lot of that.
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: That can be very rough.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: For sure, love the next one.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: Family, family this could be different parenting styles.
• 7:31
  Speaker 3: I thought we were going to be more opposite than we were.
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: I think we all talk about that when we're dating, don't we?
• 7:37
  Speaker 3: Hopefully?
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of people do.
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: I mean a lot of these on this list that we're coming up with is, I hope that people have talked about this stuff before they got into marriage.
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: Like I would hope, right, we got engaged in three weeks.
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: You would think of all people, we were probably the ones that didn't know all this stuff.
• 7:53
  Speaker 3: Oh, but we talked so much Like there was no way I was getting married to someone that didn't have the same goals with having children and parenting and I mean I hope that everyone's talked about those and they haven't caused huge divides, right, but you're always going to get things in marriage.
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: You're like, oh, why did we not talk about this?
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly, and if you go back to listen to podcast episode, I think it is 111 on conflict resolution.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: That's fantastic we get into.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: If you do have different parenting styles, how do you handle it so that your kids aren't manipulating you or causing different conflicts in your relationship?
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: So that's a really good one.
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: So the next one is a big one Different religious and cultural values.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: I think this would be a very difficult one, right?
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: Like if one spouse is very religious and the other spouse has no interest.
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: You know how do you raise your kids.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: Do you take them to church?
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: Do you not take them to church?
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: You know cultural expectations could be like you know different traditions that you have, do you?
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: Maybe you don't celebrate different holidays or different things?
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: I think religious that could be.
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: That could be a tough one.
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: I know two couples that are my really close friends and the wife is very committed to a Christian church and the husband is not, and I'll tell you why they make it work.
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: The husband is very respectful of his wife and what she believes.
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: Like he's never like come down on her for or them both of them.
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: For I can't believe that you believe this or I can't believe you waste time going to church.
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: I can't believe you even believe it's never like that.
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: Like they are the most respectful husbands in the world when it comes to what they're, they are very supportive and when it comes to the kids in their marriages, they have let their kids decide.
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: At a certain like they were respectful.
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: Like the wife was like I want to take the kids to church, and the husband was like sure, fine, like I want them to believe what they want to believe, right, and the kids in both families have gone to church with the moms and the dads are very respectful of that.
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: But there will become a point where those kids will get to pick what they believe and what they believe, and you know, yeah.
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: And so I think that this whole conversation comes down to respect.
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: I think that, although it would be super hard like we can imagine being able to go through that, there are couples, if they have respect, have made that work.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: That's a great point.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: What right, yeah, and there's probably people out there listening that needed to hear that.
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: And if and if your spouse has has decided they don't believe, which is happening a lot whatever it is that they believe, you can still love them, they can still be good people Like, and you, you never know if they're going to start believing again Like you're committed.
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: So that that's what you'd be concerned as one of those hard times in marriage.
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: It's no different than like sickness and in health, like sometimes we grow and we change and you still have to love your spouse.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Great point.
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: I'm glad you brought that up.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: Next one is really excuse me, personal space and independence.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: Talking about how much alone time you have, what are you doing?
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: As far as hobbies go, I know for a lot of us, and I would say maybe even more so for the men the men like to get out and do different hobbies.
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: This could be, you know, golf or mountain biking or whatever.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: And while that's really good and really healthy, that there has to be a good balance and we we see a lot of people especially around us, that this personal space, this personal time or this independence is really out of whack.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: Like sometimes Amy and I are like holy smokes, Like all these people do is play this sport or do this, and it's like this.
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: Well, that's how I feel at the beginning of our marriage.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and then no, and I, and I was going to say, like I, I grew up with a golf background, so for a while I was playing professionally and I mean I was at the golf course like all day, every day, yeah, literally.
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: Literally.
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: So there wasn't a lot of money coming in either.
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: So, with that being said, that makes it really hard on a wife.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so finding finding balance with your hobbies and alone time, different things like that, I mean, that's one of the big things that we see is a is a big problem with with couples as well.
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: But I got to add to that and this is where it becomes hard for marriages.
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: A man and a woman have every right to have their hobbies.
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: Not saying that, that's not like you can't deny your spouse of having some alone time in a healthy balance and having some hobbies.
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: That's very healthy for them and to have friends like good friends.
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: The problem can be on your shoulders If you're not taking that time and then you're blaming them For taking time to do their hobbies.
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: So I look back at our marriage and I can admit, okay, there were a lot of days where I'm like really are going golfing again, and some days it was for fun, some Saturdays it was for fun and that's like a five, six hour thing, right for sure and so, instead of, this is where I'm gonna be like totally humble and admit Instead of you know, finding a balance and be like, hey, if you're gonna leave for a certain amount of time, could you be back by so and so, and then I'm gonna go do something that I want to do for a certain amount of time.
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: Instead, I'm like didn't want to leave my kids or whatever that was.
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: That's my fault for not communicating that I needed that to.
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: Instead of instead, I just sometimes got resentful.
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: That's not good communication.
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: So sometimes we have to accept accountability on our side.
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: If something is bugging us about your spouse's hobby or it's taking too long, talk about it.
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: You have to communicate about that.
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: You can't just keep quiet about it and get angry about it.
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: If they're doing something really funny and you're jealous that they're having time off, then you go find something fun, find a balance in your marriage and you have to work on that balance.
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: Like, a husband cannot expect to go play golf every Saturday and be gone six hours if he is not okay with his wife leaving when he gets home for another six hours.
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: Like, and I'm not into scorekeeping, but it kind of has to be fair, don't you agree?
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: I think you just got to kind of find, like I said, find that balance and it doesn't.
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: Instead of scorekeeping, it should be respectful and say okay, how do I, how do I get the right balance in the relationship so we can still focus on the relationship but also give my spouse the time that they need.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: But if Saturday is just sitting down and talking about it, yeah, you just have to talk about it.
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: And I'm not saying, oh, you get six, six hours, I get six hours.
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: I'm not saying that I don't unless you're playing golf you probably don't need six hours.
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: But like, maybe you talk about okay, you know, saturday mornings are the day, or day off or something.
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: Why don't you go hang out on this Saturday and then I'll watch the kids and then the next weekend I'll go hang out on that Saturday?
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: It's just about compromise and conversation For sure and I think this is like a really big topic because I think it really can cause a lot of disconnect in marriage, because we do hear from a lot of wives that the husband's hobbies take over and the wives are always stuck with the kids because they're their kids.
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: It's both of your parent your responsibilities to parent and run the house.
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: If you're both working, that's both people's responsibilities.
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: So you have to find balance In the independence, in the alone time, in the personal space, in the hobbies, like all those things have got to be communicated about in a healthy way.
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: Oh, sorry, I went off on that one.
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: No, I was perfectly said.
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that was awesome.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: The next one is everyone's favorite or unfavorite, which is sexual compatibility or sexual goals.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: Many couples don't probably think of their sex life as goals or having the same priorities.
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: But you need to talk about your sex life and talk about you know.
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: Ok, how do we do we have the same goals with our sex life?
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: Do we have?
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: Are we compatible?
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: What can we do to be aligned with our intimacy, like how, how often you know?
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: How can I take care of your sexual desires and your needs?
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: How do we find that balance and be on the same page there?
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: And this is an area where most couples, as we talk about, are Not balanced or they don't have the same priorities because you have a lower desire spouse which quite often or most of the time, controls when the couple is going to be intimate.
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, great.
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I totally I this one's hard because it's not something you can really.
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: I mean you could talk about it before marriage, but before you get into a marriage you know a most couple, a lot of couples, wait until marriage.
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: So it's not something that you can have big, deep discussions on until after your marriage and you find out what's going to happen, and that also changes with the seasons, right.
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: For sure, like your sex life is different before you have children and after children, and then menopause, like, and as you age, all those things change and so, yeah, having that conversation is vital.
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: But if you look at the most common causes for divorce, one of the top reasons is the struggle with the balance with sexual intimacy.
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: Like a lot of couples get divorced because they don't have the same goals or they haven't talked about how are we going to handle the sexual intimacy side of things, and so that shows how important that it is to have those discussions and talk about the expectations you have around sex and try to find that common balance.
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: Like the next one as well health and lifestyle.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: You see this a lot when one spouse maybe is really healthy and exercising and the other spouse doesn't seem to care.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: You may also see this where a spouse maybe Using substances like smoking or drinking and the other spouse doesn't.
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think I think health wise, like those, are very important things to probably be on the same page with.
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: How are we going to take care of our body?
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: How are we, you know, doing what we can do to be the most healthiest and preparing meals and exercising and things like that?
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: Well, like we always say, your physical body affects your mental, affects your spiritual.
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: They all go hand in hand.
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: So when you throw one off, if you throw the physical off, it's absolutely affecting your own emotional, physical nature, right?
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: So, absolutely, those things affect your marriage.
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: Yeah, if you're healthier and happier, you are going to be more positive and fun in your marriage, like it's just just is what it is.
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: So, yeah, that was very important, yeah long term goals.
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: So long-term goals could be like renting a house or buying a house.
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: You know what's the right thing to do there for a couple Retirement planning, savings spending.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: Just what are your long-term goals?
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: How are you going to get on the same page as a couple to get to what your long-term goal is?
• 19:35
  Speaker 3: I think most people have the same goal here.
• 19:38
  Speaker 3: They want to own their own home.
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: They want a good retirement and a good lifestyle.
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: Right Like?
• 19:43
  Speaker 3: I think?
• 19:43
  Speaker 3: Like 90.999999% of people want that.
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: I think that's how you get there.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: I would think you're exactly right, but yet a lot of couples or a lot of individuals make decisions that don't show up.
• 19:59
  Speaker 3: That's what I'm saying it's how you get there.
• 20:01
  Speaker 3: So the problem becomes how you accomplish your short-term goals together Because, like we said, when you have a saver and a spender, those long-term goals are not going to happen in that situation.
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: So it's really like setting your long-term goals that which are probably pretty similar to each other but then sitting down and writing out your short-term plan together, which is going to look very different to both of you, but you got to find a balance there.
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: Yep, for sure.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: And the final one, I think I didn't realize.
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: I think early on in my years I wouldn't have realized how important this is.
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: But looking back, I think this is a huge one.
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: And this is your family relationships and your friendships.
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: If you don't have the same values in like your friends, like if you have a toxic friend or you have toxic family relationships, those things can really throw a wrench in your marriage and cause a lot of problems.
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: And we've done a podcast on that before why you need to get the toxic people out of your life.
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: So, going back, I think these are kind of the main things that cause disconnect and discontent in relationships and can really throw things out of whack when these things don't align.
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: So what do you do?
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: I mean, if you have one, two or a few of these things that we've talked about that you kind of feel like are out of whack in your relationship and causing contention, what do you do?
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: Talk.
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: Great answer that's not the answer Nick was looking for.
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: He looked at me like duh.
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: No, that's a great answer.
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: Podcast is over.
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: We hope all of you enjoyed it.
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: I think one of the first things you need to do is sit down as a couple and look at kind of your negotiables and your non-negotiables.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: Are there certain priorities, values or goals that, hey, these things, we both need to be on the same page.
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: These are non-negotiables.
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: I'm hoping that they would have picked their non-negotiables before they committed to each other.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: I hope so too, but I think.
• 22:11
  Speaker 3: You think people change and all of a sudden have different negotiables?
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and hopefully all these things are negotiable, right.
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: But when I say non-negotiables, I think there are certain things or certain priorities, goals or values that you need to be aligned on, and if you're not aligned on them, it's just going to be really difficult to move forward.
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: But the goal is obviously to find out what those differences are, talk about those things and really be aligned in as many areas as you can.
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: So we recognize that you're not going to align on all these things, because you have different personalities, you have different experiences.
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: Like Amy, and I don't align on anything, anything, everything.
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: Excuse me, yeah, amy and I don't align on everything, but we make things work because I understand where she's coming from, she understands where I'm coming from, and then we respect those things and say, oh, how do we find a balance, right?
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: So I feel like you know, if you feel this way about one thing and I feel this way, how do we find a balance so we both can be happy with?
• 23:23
  Speaker 3: I feel like most things have a middle ground.
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're probably right.
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: I mean, it really comes down to compromise, right?
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: We just can't.
• 23:30
  Speaker 3: Not one spouse can get everything and the other one not, like there just always has to be compromise.
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: And I think, if you humble yourself to realize maybe my spouse is right in this one thing, maybe I should lean their direction a little bit, it's very helpful, because there's been things in our marriage that I'm like you know what?
• 23:47
  Speaker 3: You're probably right on this, I'm going to go with you on this one.
• 23:50
  Speaker 3: That's what marriage takes, yeah Right, a lot of the time I totally agree, and sometimes you have to readjust things.
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: Sometimes you realize, oh, maybe that isn't the right direction.
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: We should readjust things or look at things.
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: I think one thing that can be really helpful as well, too, is make a list and put things down on paper.
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: As you sit down and you communicate and talk with each other about your relationship, about your goals and your priorities and where you want to be and getting on the same page, put those things down on paper.
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: I think that's really helpful List.
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: You know, hey, what's most important is number one most important in our relationship God, and then is it what's next is a spouse and where does work fit in there and where do our hobbies put in there?
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: And try to align those things, or make sure you're hopefully pretty closely aligned on what those things are, especially on the things that get more towards, like maybe the non negotiables right, like these are.
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: These are really really important to me.
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: So, like we said, have that good, open and honest communication, talk about things together and again, if you don't agree on everything, that's okay, but at least you're talking about it and going towards that compromise, like Amy talked about finding that balance, saying, okay, I don't maybe fully agree with this, but I understand where you're coming from and vice versa.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: How do we meet in the middle?
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: What does that look like?
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: For sure, and you need to identify your values.
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: You know, obviously, your values are your fundamental beliefs and the principles that guide the decisions and choices that you make in life.
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: So, again, just really identifying what those are and understanding what your spouses are too.
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: I was going to just say and then I realized that you were just going to say it, but I really think this whole entire episode comes down to two things compromise list, while three things listening and respect.
• 25:49
  Speaker 3: Because if you talk about it and you try to find a balance and you care to find that balance and you respect each other's opinions, I don't think this is this hard right.
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you have those things and you just hit a key.
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: Oh, you hit a couple keys is find that common ground, right.
• 26:09
  Speaker 3: You have to find common ground.
• 26:11
  Speaker 3: It might actually you have to find a balance.
• 26:14
  Speaker 3: It might not be common ground for both of you, but, like you, have to find a balance.
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for example and I'm just throwing this out, I'm not saying this is the way it is, but I, I love to travel, right, Like I would love to go on three or four vacations a year if I could right.
• 26:31
  Speaker 3: He's a dreamer, I'm a dreamer.
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: Amy, on the other hand, is more realistic and like oh, we, you know we can't be away from the kids, it costs money, we've got to arrange this, we got to do this.
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: So we found a balance and said, okay, let's find what works, like, let's find that balance that works and determine that we're going to go on, you know, one vacation a year, or sometimes two, sometimes two or whatever that is, and maybe that's a silly analogy, but that's one thing that we've talked about, where I'm kind of one way and she's another way, and we meet in the middle and say, yeah, let's, let's find something that works and we both can be happy with right.
• 27:09
  Speaker 3: Yeah, Well, sometimes you have to give in a little too Like.
• 27:14
  Speaker 3: That's really hard for people that are stubborn and stuck in their ways.
• 27:16
  Speaker 3: But you can't be like that when you get married.
• 27:17
  Speaker 3: You, when you got married, you decided, you promised and committed to becoming one correct.
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: Correct.
• 27:26
  Speaker 3: So this entire thing to me and I always bring it back to the thing that's missing in society is commitment, and when I always talk about this, I know like every social media post I do is about commitment.
• 27:36
  Speaker 3: We're not committing to stay physically faithful we're doing that but we're committing to our spouses needs, to caring about them, to putting effort into our marriage.
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: This all comes down to commitment, and when you're committed to someone, you humble yourself and admit that you have to find middle ground, you have to find compromise, and sometimes that takes giving in.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: And you have to respect each other's differences.
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: It's amazing to me how many couples you'll have a spouse that fills one way and, because that's the way they feel, that they are not budging from it.
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: It's like I feel this way and this is the way we're doing this, no matter what?
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's not going to work.
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: Like there's no compromise.
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: You have to.
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: You have to respect each other's differences.
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: Again, you each grew up probably with different backgrounds and experiences and things that happen in your life which shapes the perception.
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: So you've got to respect how each other feel and, again coming back to it, find that common ground.
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to change Amy's point of view on something.
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: She's not going to change my point of view on something.
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: That's okay.
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: But how do we find that common ground to where we're like both like okay, I'm totally good with this right.
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: Well, you gotta realize that your side doesn't make it right.
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: So I might be stubborn in.
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: I don't want to go travel four times a year.
• 29:00
  Speaker 3: It doesn't make me right.
• 29:02
  Speaker 3: And because he wants to doesn't make him right.
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: He grew up his early years rich and I grew up poor, so we have different mentalities on certain things.
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: So yeah, that doesn't make either of us right or wrong.
• 29:18
  Speaker 3: It just means we're different.
• 29:19
  Speaker 3: So common ground is key.
• 29:22
  Speaker 3: That's a great point.
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: So I grew up to where my mom worked for the airlines and we traveled all over the place.
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: We just hop on a plane, fly to Puerto Rico or fly wherever, right?
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: It was really easy, so I grew up that way.
• 29:35
  Speaker 3: And he had lots of money.
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: And so I you know, obviously I love just being away and experiencing those things, and Amy grew up in a household where she didn't travel a lot.
• 29:47
  Speaker 3: She I didn't go anywhere besides Disneyland a couple of times, like literally.
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: So.
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: So again, that's just like we grew up differently, we look at things a different way, but we've been really good at finding that compromise.
• 29:58
  Speaker 3: For sure, like that just takes.
• 29:59
  Speaker 3: It really takes.
• 30:00
  Speaker 3: Talking about your backgrounds and your upbringing I don't care how long you've been married, even after 21 years I was like I didn't realize you went through that when you were little, or I didn't realize that your family did that or that you had that experience, like we still, all the time, will end up having conversations about our past and then it gets us into oh, that's why you love this, or that's the way you are.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: Oh, you've got that from your father.
• 30:25
  Speaker 3: Oh, I see that now, like 21 years, I'm still learning stuff about Nick all the time and we talk a lot.
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: She's probably like oh, I wish I wanted to learn that, I wish I would Stop, that would have stayed buried.
• 30:38
  Speaker 3: No, but like I'm totally joking, but like people know I'm joking, I know.
• 30:41
  Speaker 3: It starts to make sense, though, why your spouse is different than you and you have to respect that, because just because I was raised a certain way doesn't make my way right.
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: And I am so grateful that we're different and that we have differences, because that brings me out of my comfort zone, so to speak, and vice versa, and we're so much more happy and successful, I think, in our marriage because we do have differences.
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: Imagine how boring things would be if we saw things the exact same way on everything.
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: That would be pretty boring.
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: There would be no challenge or compromise or testing or things like that.
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: So I think that's good.
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: But, yeah, you've got to set those mutual goals together and work together on whatever those goals are, whatever you're trying to achieve, and, again, respect how your spouse feels as well.
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: And then you need to reevaluate things.
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: Just because you feel a certain way, one time you could feel completely different based upon your life circumstances.
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: A year later, maybe your income changed, maybe you lost a job, maybe you had another child, like.
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: There's so many things that can change life.
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: So you always need to be reevaluating and changing your goals or changing your things periodically.
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: I can say that my goals are different in our marriage now.
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: A lot of my goals, a lot of them are the same, like the big ones, but a lot of my goals have changed from 15 years ago versus now, and that's okay.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: They need to change based upon what is going on in your life and how things change in life.
• 32:29
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 32:30
  Speaker 3: Oh, we change all the time.
• 32:31
  Speaker 3: We do, we really do yeah, well, it comes down to conversation once again.
• 32:38
  Speaker 3: It really does I feel like every podcast could come down to have better conversations, healthier conversations and have more respect.
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we're trying to make it more exciting than that when it's just like oh, we're talking about communication again.
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: But really I mean, I think you're right.
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: I think just everything circles back to having good communication.
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: If you have good communication, it pretty much is a blanket that covers almost everything out there.
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: It solves good communication solves almost every single issue that couples deal with.
• 33:15
  Speaker 3: It really does Good communication.
• 33:17
  Speaker 3: Listening and then caring those three things you got to have it, or it's not good communication.
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly right.
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: So we hope you enjoyed the podcast.
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: Go check out our new products that we just put in the ultimate intimacy store for Holly.
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: We have some awesome holiday gifts the scratch off cards.
• 33:39
  Speaker 3: There's holiday ones.
• 33:40
  Speaker 3: Now, there's holiday ones.
• 33:42
  Speaker 3: I know what Nick wants.
• 33:43
  Speaker 3: I designed them for him.
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I already know what I want for Christmas.
• 33:48
  Speaker 3: I hand design our products because I am a graphic designer and I design what Nick wants and what I want.
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: I guess I'm kind of selfish that way, Like let's just design this.
• 33:59
  Speaker 3: No, we want you to know that the products that we have are things that we have designed and want you to.
• 34:06
  Speaker 3: We know that they'll work for you.
• 34:08
  Speaker 3: Because they work, we love them.
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: And we totally use them.
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: We totally use them.
• 34:12
  Speaker 3: Like when I do a post about leaving a scratch card, I designed it for that reason, like I'm going to give Nick a scratch card, like we love our products.
• 34:22
  Speaker 3: I just have to say that.
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: They are awesome products.
• 34:25
  Speaker 3: We made some really cute ornament holiday cards.
• 34:28
  Speaker 3: They're just a great little thing that could go with intimacy box.
• 34:34
  Speaker 3: It could just be a gift by itself.
• 34:35
  Speaker 3: We have regular any day ones that don't have to be for the holidays.
• 34:39
  Speaker 3: It makes initiating fun.
• 34:40
  Speaker 3: It really does.
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: And we do have a limited supply, like some of our other ones, like we're almost sold out of some of the other ones, so we have tons.
• 34:48
  Speaker 3: So yeah, grab fast.
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: So we hope you enjoyed the podcast and until next time.
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: We hope you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.