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Why You Still Want Them (The Brutal Truth About Trauma Bonding) · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What if healing isn't about moving on, but finally believing
• 0:03
  yourself? On the Mental Healness Podcast,
• 0:06
  Lee Hammock speaks with Luella, a single mom and founder of
• 0:10
  Thriving Beyond Abuse. She shares what it's like to
• 0:13
  love someone who slowly breaks you down.
• 0:16
  The red flags, the gaslighting, and the quiet moment you realize
• 0:20
  this isn't love. We're told abuse is obvious, but
• 0:23
  sometimes it's subtle, emotional, and it makes you
• 0:26
  doubt your own reality. This conversation isn't about
• 0:29
  fixing missing yourself. It's about reclaiming your
• 0:32
  voice, your worth and remembering that healing means
• 0:35
  coming back to who you were. And if you've ever whispered
• 0:38
  maybe it was me, you're not alone.
• 0:40
  What is going on, beautiful folks, welcome to another
• 0:43
  episode of the mental illness podcast.
• 0:44
  I am your favorite self aware narcissist.
• 0:46
  Mr. Lee Hammock, your favorite diagnosed narcissist.
• 0:49
  Today we're we're interviewing the lovely, the powerful, the
• 0:53
  strong. Miss Louella, what is going on?
• 0:55
  Welcome to the podcast. Thank you.
• 0:57
  Thank you so much for having me. No problem.
• 0:59
  Thank. Thank you so much for being
• 1:00
  known. Well, tell us a little bit about
• 1:02
  yourself. So my name is Louella, of
• 1:05
  course, and I am, I am a single mom.
• 1:09
  I raised my daughter, She's an adult now.
• 1:12
  I am retired from government. I had a lovely experience in a
• 1:18
  very, very abusive relationship. So that's what brings me here
• 1:22
  today. I am now AI, am the founder of
• 1:25
  Thriving and Beyond Abuse, and I now help others through my
• 1:30
  experience. It's called thriving beyond
• 1:34
  abuse. Driving beyond abuse?
• 1:36
  Yes. OK, that's a very, that's a cool
• 1:38
  name. I like that right there because
• 1:40
  it's very important to let everybody know that there is
• 1:43
  life after in thriving, not just life, there's a good life, a
• 1:48
  powerful life. Because I see you on social
• 1:49
  media, traveling, doing your thing, going on with your
• 1:50
  daughter, dancing in the club. I like look at you.
• 1:54
  Good for you, right? I never knew what it was like.
• 1:57
  Like, I feel like I grew all up. I grew up all over again.
• 2:01
  So I feel like it's a different chapter, a different life and
• 2:03
  whatnot. Like the way, like the way you
• 2:05
  described it, it'd be a very different space to kind of be
• 2:08
  in. So where, where did you meet
• 2:12
  this narcissistic person? Like what did y'all even meet
• 2:14
  at? So I actually never really
• 2:16
  disclosed this. I was telling my friend this
• 2:18
  that this morning I actually met him on a dating site called
• 2:22
  Plenty of Fish. I know POFII was I, I before I
• 2:27
  got married, I was on, I was on POF.
• 2:29
  Good old. It's nothing.
• 2:30
  I think they're still around to this day.
• 2:32
  I don't know, but he so forever in the relationship he would
• 2:35
  tell me that I was going looking for the D on POF but I was like
• 2:39
  everyone on match is on POF so why am I going to pay, you know?
• 2:44
  He said. You going looking for the D?
• 2:45
  Yeah, I was going looking for Dick.
• 2:48
  A Lord of mercy, he said. You going looking for on POF
• 2:51
  like So? What was he searching for?
• 2:53
  Apparently the P. Yeah, I feel like there's a big
• 2:58
  piece of it right there. They he accusing you of doing
• 3:00
  something that he's also doing. Absolutely.
• 3:03
  But I do believe that most narcissistic people, most
• 3:07
  narcissistic men have a more than a touch of misogyny, right?
• 3:12
  So they look down upon women and they think that women doing the
• 3:16
  exact same thing that they're doing somehow makes them less
• 3:19
  than, like, you're less. I know we do.
• 3:21
  I know we're doing the exact same thing, but I'm a man.
• 3:23
  So you make you less, which is that's right and how that feels
• 3:26
  right there. So what are some of the red
• 3:29
  flags that you think you might have experienced in your toxic
• 3:32
  relationship? Not him if you own, if you're
• 3:34
  comfortable sharing. So, so you know, initially when
• 3:36
  I met him, I was not attracted to him.
• 3:40
  He was not my type, but he was very persistent.
• 3:44
  He was very clear to me that he didn't want a relationship.
• 3:47
  Those were his words. And throughout the relationship,
• 3:49
  throughout the course of the relationship, I heard that I
• 3:52
  forced him, but he was very persistent, constant text,
• 3:56
  constant emojis. No one had ever messaged me like
• 3:58
  that ever. So I think in the beginning what
• 4:01
  I I violated my own role. He was not my type.
• 4:05
  So that was to me a red flag. But one of the as time went on,
• 4:11
  he had told me that he was a principal of an elementary
• 4:15
  school here in the city. So I had already done my
• 4:18
  homework. So of course I met him online
• 4:21
  and he was actually an assistant.
• 4:24
  So that was #1 flag #1 like why would you lie about about your
• 4:29
  profession? I met him in late April.
• 4:32
  So we started dating like maybe May 5th or 6th and he moved
• 4:39
  really fast. He told me that he loved me
• 4:42
  within two weeks. And I really didn't feel like I
• 4:45
  could say it back. And I felt very forced and
• 4:49
  coerced to say it back. So I did say it back, but I
• 4:53
  didn't feel it. And so throughout the course of
• 4:56
  the relationship, I believe that I now realize that I didn't love
• 5:00
  him. But it's been a lot of healing.
• 5:04
  So the red flags were just, I mean, they were out there.
• 5:07
  He was sneaky. He had changed his number
• 5:10
  multiple times. He made me change my number.
• 5:14
  But the biggest red flag that I missed Lee is about 3 weeks into
• 5:17
  the relationship, he pushed me down.
• 5:21
  Yeah. And another red flag for me.
• 5:26
  I've never really, I've never done any type of drugs or
• 5:33
  anything like that. And he pulled out this gigantic
• 5:36
  like thing like this to like from and I couldn't understand
• 5:43
  it because I work, I had worked with Medicaid and federal
• 5:47
  programs my entire career. And I was very puzzled.
• 5:50
  And he was like, do you have a problem with it?
• 5:52
  And I'm like, no, no, it's OK, it's OK.
• 5:54
  But on the other side, I was having issues with my daughter
• 5:56
  liking that green stuff. You know, it was really, it was
• 5:59
  really a, it was a very, it was a very eye opening experience
• 6:03
  for me. I guess I was very sheltered at
• 6:05
  that point, so. Get right there that that he,
• 6:11
  you said he shoved you down. Like was it out of anger or did
• 6:14
  he try to make it seem like it was an accident?
• 6:16
  Because I know a lot of times in the beginning when you get
• 6:19
  abusive people that do something like that, they tend to blame
• 6:23
  you for or say that you're overreacted or just like it was
• 6:25
  accident. I didn't mean to do that or you
• 6:27
  pushed me to do that type of stuff right there.
• 6:29
  No, it's very intentional. We were.
• 6:31
  I had gone there after work. We were having a cocktail on his
• 6:34
  deck and all of a sudden he just said, you know, I'm not happy.
• 6:40
  And I remember looking at him in his eyes and saying, OK, thank
• 6:44
  you. I so appreciate you letting me
• 6:46
  know. I got up and I was going to
• 6:50
  leave and I I started walking and I turned around and he just
• 6:54
  pushed me and I like fell to the ground and I was on the ground
• 6:57
  and I'm like, what the F can I say?
• 6:59
  Cusser, what the fuck are you doing?
• 7:02
  Like, are you serious? And I'm looking at him and he's
• 7:04
  like, he's just looking at me and I don't, I don't know.
• 7:07
  I guess I ended up staying. I don't really remember exactly
• 7:11
  what happened, but that was the start of the physical abuse.
• 7:15
  I don't remember him telling me, sorry.
• 7:18
  I, I just remember I maybe he said it was a mistake.
• 7:22
  I don't remember. I just remember within myself, I
• 7:25
  was shocked. He was an elementary school
• 7:30
  assistant principal. He's doing this stuff.
• 7:33
  He's tipping the bottle like crazy and now I have this
• 7:37
  something. I had nothing of this that I
• 7:40
  ever experienced. Not with my parents, not with,
• 7:42
  maybe with, but never in a relationship.
• 7:46
  Never. Yeah, I feel like right there,
• 7:49
  that tends to happen in these kind of narcissistic spaces
• 7:53
  right here where you get a lot of firsts, right where it's the
• 7:57
  first of something that you've experienced.
• 7:59
  Especially if it's like later on in your relationship history,
• 8:03
  you know, if you've had healthy ish or normal, normal
• 8:07
  relationships throughout your life, then you get into one of
• 8:10
  these relationships later on and you're like, wait, what just
• 8:13
  happened? You know, and a lot of times I
• 8:15
  know people hear that just like, girl, why why don't you just
• 8:17
  leave after that right there? He pushed me out of foot back.
• 8:20
  I'm fighting, you know, say that type of stuff like that.
• 8:24
  He pushed me. I'm throwing hands like I can't,
• 8:26
  I can't wait for a man to push me one day.
• 8:28
  I've been waiting. On.
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  You get a lot of people to say stuff.
• 8:32
  My conversation, my conversation would be live with that.
• 8:36
  I've been waiting for a man to push me so I can take this black
• 8:39
  belt out on his ass right. I do hear that a lot from
• 8:42
  people, but you never really, you can imagine how you how you
• 8:46
  would react in those situations. But you never know until you
• 8:49
  into him until you're like, yeah, you could fight back.
• 8:52
  You could do all this other stuff.
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  But sometimes your mind is, it's such a such a shock because you
• 8:57
  don't anticipate. It's just like, wait, what the
• 8:59
  hell just happened? What do you just push me?
• 9:02
  And he's just like, wait, what happened?
• 9:05
  And sometimes they get you into the space where they tend to
• 9:07
  blame you, or you feel like it's your fault that it got to this
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  point and whatnot, right? It's always my fault, always
• 9:15
  110% my fault. And so I was always trying to be
• 9:18
  better. I was always trying to fix
• 9:20
  myself. I was always trying to be
• 9:22
  skinnier. I was always never helped
• 9:25
  you're. Trying to be skinnier, which is
• 9:27
  kind of wild because even when I first talked to you.
• 9:29
  So if y'all don't know, I talked to Miss Louella.
• 9:31
  I thought they were four years ago when I first started doing
• 9:33
  my, my one-on-one calls and whatnot.
• 9:36
  And even then you were like super in the gym.
• 9:38
  You know, I, I think we follow each other on Instagram.
• 9:41
  He was like in the mirror flexing like, I like skinnier,
• 9:44
  like he, he must not work out then, you know, if he, you know,
• 9:48
  in that space right there. And I just feel like a lot of
• 9:51
  times they project their insecurities onto you.
• 9:53
  Like if I'm insecure by my body, regardless of how good you look,
• 9:57
  I'm going to try to pick at those you don't mean.
• 10:01
  And I meant to ask you this question earlier too.
• 10:03
  I wrote I was taking notes. You said he wasn't your type,
• 10:07
  you know, which tends to happen sometimes, you know?
• 10:12
  And did you did you let him know that you that he wasn't your
• 10:16
  type? Did you let him know that or did
• 10:17
  he know that? I just want to let you know
• 10:19
  you're kind of blurring in and out.
• 10:21
  Oh, can you hear me now? I know I can hear you, but your
• 10:24
  camera? OK, OK.
• 10:30
  I did not. I just knew I was more into like
• 10:34
  metrosexual cut type of guys. I loved Cowboys.
• 10:38
  I still love Cowboys. I love colored eyes.
• 10:42
  He was kind of on the to me. He had like a lot of like I just
• 10:48
  wasn't into that. Like I, I just, I didn't have a
• 10:51
  lot of dating experience, but I certainly knew I didn't like
• 10:54
  that. I didn't like, you know, I was
• 11:00
  very thrown off. I had never been with someone
• 11:02
  who had done this in front of me that, you know, this giant glass
• 11:06
  thing. And I, it was very daunting to
• 11:08
  me, you know. And he said that he used to work
• 11:15
  out. And so I used to go to what you
• 11:18
  would consider a meathead gym. And I've competed.
• 11:22
  I was very, very fit. And he made me go to Planet
• 11:26
  Fitness. Yeah, all.
• 11:28
  Right. A whole different vibe there.
• 11:30
  Planet fit. It's a whole different vibe.
• 11:32
  Yeah. And so that was very, he robbed
• 11:38
  me of so much. He robbed me of relationships,
• 11:41
  of friendships, of people I had known throughout my, you know,
• 11:45
  fitness journey throughout. Like I had coaches that I had
• 11:48
  worked with. Like it just was, he took so
• 11:51
  much for me. And I was like, OK, well, you
• 11:53
  know, that's the only way the relationship is going to work.
• 11:56
  If you give that up, you can't be going there because one time
• 11:59
  I said, like, I hooked up with guys from the gym, like, but I
• 12:03
  had not had like, a boyfriend. But you know, you disclose so
• 12:06
  much because they make you feel like they want to know
• 12:08
  everything about you. And this is the rest of your
• 12:10
  life. And we're going to get married
• 12:12
  in the barn and we're going to have, you know, so you feel
• 12:16
  comfortable. Yep, done.
• 12:19
  Typically, I don't. I think a lot of people realize
• 12:21
  this later on is like, the more you share with them, the more
• 12:24
  they use against you later on, right?
• 12:26
  The more that you disclose, the more they will absolutely
• 12:29
  weaponize and use against you in these situations to make you
• 12:32
  feel less than right. You hooking up from what?
• 12:35
  Random men from the gym you whore, right?
• 12:38
  It'll put that into your head to make it seem like you're less
• 12:40
  than right, to try to make you feel like you're always have to
• 12:43
  work harder to be with this type of person right here, right.
• 12:46
  But also when you're describing the the process of your
• 12:50
  relationship, like they chase you in the beginning, typically,
• 12:54
  not always, right, but typically they chase, yeah.
• 12:57
  You know, I've never talked so much.
• 12:59
  I've never had someone reach that much out to me ever.
• 13:02
  And you're like, Oh my gosh, he really likes me.
• 13:06
  Emojis were very bizarre to me. I thought emojis were very
• 13:09
  adolescent like, and I, I mean constant emojis.
• 13:13
  I cannot stand the rosy emoji that was his favorite.
• 13:17
  The banana was his favorite. Just it just was grotesque to
• 13:21
  me. Very sexual kind of think sexual
• 13:25
  kind of bullshit. Very I was very I did not have I
• 13:31
  didn't sleep with him like until like four or five dates because
• 13:35
  I really felt like, Oh my gosh, well, maybe this is the one.
• 13:40
  But when I finally did and I don't know if I'm said going too
• 13:42
  far because these these are what come to my mind and you know,
• 13:44
  with trauma brain let it flow. He told me so the very first
• 13:49
  time that I actually I spent the night with him and he was
• 13:55
  driving me home the next morning and he told me that I did not
• 14:01
  know how to tilt my hips to have sex.
• 14:04
  So from the very beginning, he created, he created, he created
• 14:09
  an insecurity. And I'm like, well, I popped out
• 14:12
  a fucking kid. I don't understand.
• 14:16
  So it was very like from the very beginning.
• 14:19
  And so I worked so hard. I read books.
• 14:21
  I'm like, what can I do to be better?
• 14:22
  Like, you know, and not none of it.
• 14:26
  You, you, you can't, you can't make that up.
• 14:29
  Who says that the first time? Yeah.
• 14:33
  But you see, I even from the beginning, they plant seeds,
• 14:37
  right? They plant seeds to make it seem
• 14:38
  like you're not doing enough because maybe perhaps he felt
• 14:42
  insufficient. He's like, you know what?
• 14:44
  My my stroke was off your hips. Did it is your hip.
• 14:48
  You're you're you don't have birthing hips, even though
• 14:50
  you've given birthright. They try to put it on to you.
• 14:53
  It's like that's why I was just like tilting hill.
• 14:55
  I was like, wait, I'm trying to like tilting.
• 14:58
  How we I? Did not want to tilt.
• 15:01
  My hips. I don't know how to tell you to
• 15:03
  tilt your heels. I was like, wait, hip hip
• 15:05
  tilting is not. Well, he attributed it to
• 15:08
  because I had too much muscle. I used to be really but that
• 15:12
  that. I've never heard it before, so
• 15:15
  like so this is new to me too. He's new to both of us.
• 15:18
  Like wait, tilting hips. I didn't know how to tip my
• 15:21
  hips. You know, He used a lot of
• 15:24
  bidding about the X, how the X was extremely mean.
• 15:28
  And he told me that one time we were going to go to breakfast or
• 15:30
  something after spending the night and he was like, so by
• 15:33
  this point I was already like trauma bonded.
• 15:35
  Like he was driving my new, my car was new.
• 15:38
  I had a Lexus. I still have my little Lexus.
• 15:40
  And his car was better than mine.
• 15:42
  His car was faster than mine. He had a 2008 or 2009 Honda
• 15:48
  Accord and I had a 2015 Lexus. Oh, my little cock and steel
• 15:55
  boogie, but I wasn't I didn't buy my car to compete, right.
• 15:59
  So it's just little things like that.
• 16:03
  I think there was a point in now that I'm actually talking about
• 16:06
  like because I've written all of this stuff out.
• 16:09
  Like I still, I try to remember things because some of it I've
• 16:13
  I've exhausted, but I just want to share something with you
• 16:17
  really quickly. I don't think you've ever heard
• 16:18
  this from me, Lee. So when I started dating him,
• 16:21
  I've been researching narcissism since about 3 weeks in I he
• 16:26
  actually did something and I thought it was the most bizarre
• 16:28
  shit and I just went to my computer and at work I remember
• 16:31
  where I was sitting. I remember it was early in the
• 16:34
  morning and it came up with narcissistic personality
• 16:38
  disorder. I had.
• 16:40
  What's that you? Said three weeks in.
• 16:42
  Three weeks in, OK. I mean, I've studied brain
• 16:46
  injury. I've worked with mental health.
• 16:49
  I mean, I was just like, what? Anyhow, there was a time when we
• 16:53
  went to, he lived in a beautiful place up in on northern New
• 16:58
  Mexico where there's a beautiful ski base.
• 16:59
  And then we went during the summer.
• 17:01
  He took me on a date and I remember asking him, have you
• 17:07
  ever been? His behavior was so bizarre.
• 17:09
  Like there's nobody that's ever been in love with you that fast.
• 17:11
  Never, no matter. Like I couldn't understand it.
• 17:15
  And I asked him, have you ever been in a car accident?
• 17:20
  Because he had this line back here in the back of his head.
• 17:22
  He's like, oh, yeah, I'm like, there it is.
• 17:24
  He has a fucking brain engine. But initially I thought he had
• 17:27
  Asperger's, but he just had very bizarre tendencies.
• 17:30
  Like it was very much sleeping with the enemy.
• 17:32
  Everything was hang hanging the same way.
• 17:35
  The cans were all facing the same direction.
• 17:37
  Like there was just bizarreness. And at this point, I was like,
• 17:41
  well, I'm already in. I remember on that trip after
• 17:46
  that he told me that I should have offered to pay for the
• 17:50
  gondola write up. Then when we got back to
• 17:52
  Albuquerque he told me that I was the bitch because I didn't
• 17:55
  even offer to take my car. But it wasn't my trip like I
• 17:59
  thought I was being courted. So two weeks in, he also told me
• 18:04
  that I had to pay for half of the meals because he had a son
• 18:07
  in college who I later found, he said that worked at
• 18:11
  Mercedes-Benz and he was who I later found out did not work at
• 18:15
  the Mercedes-Benz. Wasn't he was not paying for the
• 18:18
  school, but I was paying for half the days while he could
• 18:20
  continue to go on his on his rendezvous with his other
• 18:25
  relationships or other side chicks, whatever.
• 18:29
  But there's one thing that my daughter brought to my attention
• 18:32
  last night because I talked to her about this interview and I
• 18:34
  told her that I was a little nervous.
• 18:36
  And she's like, just tell the truth.
• 18:37
  Who cares? She's like, make sure you tell
• 18:39
  him about that one about when we would go to Costco and he would,
• 18:43
  so we would go to Costco. I had a membership and early on
• 18:46
  in the relationship and this went on for months.
• 18:48
  I mean, I made sure that my DIRECTV had the football
• 18:52
  network, whatever it is, ESPN, whatever it is.
• 18:54
  It was like $180 more a month. But I'm seriously, he could make
• 18:58
  sure and come stay at my house, you know, because I always
• 19:00
  wanted to. If he was with me, then he
• 19:02
  wasn't cheating, which in fact he was.
• 19:04
  I would find, I would find him texting at 5:00 in the morning
• 19:07
  when we were going to go to the gym.
• 19:09
  And so we would go to Costco on Saturdays and I always had
• 19:14
  snacks and good food for my daughter.
• 19:16
  And he didn't have a membership. So he would put things in my
• 19:19
  cart and he would put like 2 handles of Jim Beam.
• 19:23
  He would put like stuff for charcuterie boards.
• 19:27
  He would buy like rib eyes and it was like $150.00 and he would
• 19:33
  give me 80. And so every time.
• 19:35
  So I started to calculate. So then Brianna would go with
• 19:38
  me. And so then one time I told my
• 19:42
  friend, I'm like, you know, like I, I can't afford to keep doing
• 19:46
  this. Like it's ridiculous.
• 19:47
  I paid for half my meals. Then he goes to Costco and he
• 19:50
  puts all this shit in. She's like, you need to tell
• 19:52
  him. So when I told him, he lost his
• 19:55
  motherfucking mind. I already knew it was going
• 19:57
  there. You said that I was like, so you
• 19:58
  told that to him? You're so fucking, you're so
• 20:02
  greedy. And I'm like, so nothing I ever
• 20:09
  did was right. He was very condescending with
• 20:11
  everything he started. I remember that first year that
• 20:15
  we met because we met in the month of May, which is my
• 20:18
  birthday. And I was, I was a manager and
• 20:23
  my staff, when I got into work, they had put like a banner and
• 20:26
  like they got me a big old cake because I love cake.
• 20:29
  Anybody that knows me, I love cake.
• 20:30
  And they put like confetti all over my desk.
• 20:33
  And it was just a beautiful sentiment.
• 20:37
  That's really nice. That's really good.
• 20:40
  I'm really happy for you. Happy birthday.
• 20:44
  He gave me a fucking, you know what he gave me for my first
• 20:47
  birthday? He gave me a gift card for a
• 20:52
  massage for two from coupon that had been previously purchased.
• 20:59
  So we got there for somebody else and.
• 21:00
  Then that's right. Had a leftover.
• 21:02
  That's right. Yeah.
• 21:05
  Lied about the long the length of time that he had actually
• 21:08
  been engaged. Told me that he hadn't been in a
• 21:10
  relationship since October. I met him like in late April.
• 21:15
  Hadn't been in a relationship since October.
• 21:20
  In my little process of little investigating while he was at
• 21:22
  work, I found envelopes where he had gone to a football game with
• 21:25
  the girl that he told me in Vegas that he had he was engaged
• 21:31
  to. They were going to get married.
• 21:33
  Is he great? He was engaged.
• 21:36
  He was engaged. Throughout the whole
• 21:39
  relationship, he was engaged. No, no, no.
• 21:41
  When he that he, he said he hadn't been in a relationship
• 21:44
  since October. So I figured, OK, it's been OK.
• 21:48
  It's been OK. Like I hadn't been in a
• 21:49
  relationship in a long time. Yeah.
• 21:51
  And then he said that she was awful.
• 21:55
  She was mean, She was a cheater. One time she flew to like.
• 22:00
  And they were the things I'm sure that he did.
• 22:02
  Yeah, absolutely. I, you know, he did a lot of, he
• 22:12
  did a lot of bizarre things. He constantly pushed me down the
• 22:16
  stairs with his knee and constantly told me that I was
• 22:22
  ugly, constantly told me that I was fat in 2017.
• 22:28
  So I met him in May of of 2016. We started dating and then in
• 22:33
  May, in August of 2017, when we went to a family, his dad's
• 22:39
  birthday party at his home in town in in his hometown city.
• 22:45
  And you know, I didn't really know them.
• 22:48
  You know, it was kind of new. I remember going in and I and
• 22:52
  meeting his son. His son was there and I remember
• 22:54
  going in and I think I had a shot of something with him.
• 22:58
  And anyway, that day he threw like a piece to wear these red
• 23:04
  fucking basketball slip shorts. It's so hilarious.
• 23:08
  And I remember he got he threw like a fit.
• 23:12
  He told me that I you fucking bitch.
• 23:14
  And this is new, right? We haven't been together maybe a
• 23:17
  year. You fucking bitch, you I saw you
• 23:21
  looking at my at his brother in law's crotch.
• 23:26
  Crotch. I was looking at his brother in
• 23:28
  law's crotch, who was my dad's age, maybe a few years younger
• 23:33
  than my dad. So that night I had had some to
• 23:37
  drink I'm sure, and he had had plenty.
• 23:40
  I probably had had plenty too. I literally begged him, begged
• 23:45
  him try to explain to him I did not do that.
• 23:49
  I was not looking at him. Baby, please don't get mad.
• 23:51
  I love you so much, please, how could you do this?
• 23:54
  And then we went to bed. He told me to get the fuck out
• 23:59
  of his life. He told me that I was ruining
• 24:00
  his life. I was a fucking pig.
• 24:02
  I had this horrible attitude. I was disgusting.
• 24:05
  Look at how I was dressed. I remember I had bought sandals
• 24:09
  at Dillard's. I had bought a little dress at
• 24:10
  Dillard's that was very conservative because he already
• 24:12
  had an he had an issue with my shorts, He had an issue with my
• 24:15
  clothes. I had, I mean, I was a
• 24:17
  bodybuilder. I had huge legs and I didn't
• 24:20
  have anybody. So by the end of the
• 24:22
  relationship, Needless to say, I was wearing Bermudas.
• 24:24
  Now I wear a little Daisy Dukes if I can and I'm old.
• 24:28
  I don't give a fuck. So that night is the first night
• 24:34
  that we were both laying in the bed and that we were in the
• 24:37
  guest house. There was no phone service and
• 24:42
  he we were arguing and I knew he was cheating.
• 24:45
  I could feel it in my gut. I just couldn't fucking catch
• 24:48
  him. And I was laying on my back and
• 24:52
  I must have hit a nerve or something that I said and he
• 24:55
  literally elbowed me five times. And then he got me and he shoved
• 25:01
  me off the bed onto concrete. The floor was concrete.
• 25:03
  It was not very high locally, otherwise I would not be here
• 25:06
  today. And then when I started
• 25:08
  screaming like I didn't know what the fuck was happening, he
• 25:13
  got me off the floor. He picked me up.
• 25:16
  He had one arm here and the other shoving my neck and my
• 25:20
  face into the mattress and he blamed it on me.
• 25:23
  I didn't have access to a phone. I didn't have access to leave.
• 25:26
  The next drive home was about two hours long.
• 25:29
  He told me that when we got into Albuquerque that I would give
• 25:32
  him his fucking key and I would get the fuck out of his life.
• 25:35
  I worked and I worked downtown. I had a huge office because I
• 25:40
  had a good a high position and I worked on the 4th floor and on
• 25:47
  the 2nd floor was the domestic violence investigator unit.
• 25:52
  So the woman that was looked up to, you know that they knew I
• 25:55
  was go talk to her if you need this.
• 25:59
  And there I was sitting with the detective and the advocates and
• 26:04
  I filed criminal charges. I was issued a three-year
• 26:07
  protective order. He broke it in 17 days.
• 26:11
  I got a hold of the state police interview of him.
• 26:15
  He denied abusing me. He told her that I was trying to
• 26:19
  fuck him. Oh Lord.
• 26:22
  And he literally just threw me off because he did not want to
• 26:24
  be with me. He was just done with me.
• 26:27
  So I after 17 days, you know, I was completely broken.
• 26:30
  And he reached out to me and he said, please, I'm just
• 26:35
  expressing my love to you. Please don't make me go to jail.
• 26:41
  You know, I love you. It was like my whole life had
• 26:45
  opened up. It was like, Oh my God, he loves
• 26:47
  me. Oh my God, he doesn't hate me.
• 26:49
  He just hit me because he had a moment.
• 26:53
  I got, I had told my parents about the strangulation.
• 26:56
  I had told my daughter about the strangulation.
• 26:59
  And it was around this time of year actually.
• 27:02
  And I got back with him and I did it on the sneaks.
• 27:06
  I didn't tell my family. And when my daughter found out,
• 27:08
  she was very upset I dropped. I signed a deposition to drop
• 27:14
  the charges. When I went to drop the charges,
• 27:18
  Lee in his city, he didn't want to go with me.
• 27:22
  They knew I was lying. They knew I was lying.
• 27:25
  And they kept asking me, are you OK?
• 27:27
  He gaslit me and abused me verbally over text the entire
• 27:33
  fucking way. He was angry because of the way
• 27:36
  I was dressed. He was angry with what I was
• 27:38
  going to tell them. He was angry with, you know, it
• 27:41
  was there was never any support. So every time after that that he
• 27:47
  would put his hands on me. I was always here.
• 27:51
  He said I had five protective orders in this relationship, all
• 27:57
  of which he broke. The last one he counter filed
• 27:59
  because it was in his city. My attorney told me that we may
• 28:03
  as well drop it because I worked in healthcare and we don't know
• 28:07
  the police. I called the police.
• 28:09
  The last incident when I called the police before he violently
• 28:15
  pushed me into the wall, I called the police because my
• 28:18
  friend was here and she's like, we'll go get you because her
• 28:19
  husband was the DEA and she's like, but it's fucking time that
• 28:22
  you get this motherfucker and call police.
• 28:24
  Call the police. So I called the police.
• 28:27
  Unfortunately I got County Sheriff I'm not sure if
• 28:30
  minimized it. My clothes was in the tree.
• 28:33
  Yep they minimized it. I had grab marks here he had
• 28:36
  draped me two days before he pulled out a grip of hair.
• 28:41
  I had like AI still am very thin haired here and they he got away
• 28:46
  with it. I tried to move it to state
• 28:49
  police they wouldn't. Anyway he got away with it so 3
• 28:54
  weeks later he hoovered me. 3 weeks was the is the time frame
• 28:59
  and he hoovered me and he forgave me for calling the
• 29:02
  police. Oh.
• 29:03
  Lord. He forgave me.
• 29:06
  He bought us a trip. We went to San Diego.
• 29:09
  He same fucking place, same hotel, I think we stayed, stayed
• 29:13
  in the same fucking room, ate at the same restaurants.
• 29:16
  He covered the hotel. I paid for the food.
• 29:19
  Later on, of course, he bitched about the food that I he bought
• 29:22
  the he bought the package and all I paid was $500, maybe for
• 29:25
  the food. Well, I thought that was the
• 29:27
  deal. I went back and hated him.
• 29:33
  I hated for what he had done to me.
• 29:36
  He had destroyed the He had destroyed the relationship with
• 29:39
  my daughter. He was so controlling.
• 29:42
  I didn't even know who the fuck I was anymore.
• 29:46
  I retired from government. He used to question if I was
• 29:49
  retired. I bet that day that I called the
• 29:51
  police. I bet he told him that I was
• 29:52
  depressed because I didn't have a job.
• 29:55
  I was unemployed, so I. Talked to you that you had, were
• 30:03
  you either retire or you were getting ready to retire when I
• 30:07
  talked to you back in 2021? Yeah, I retired in 2021.
• 30:11
  OK, yeah, I remember that being a topic of discussion when I
• 30:14
  spoken to you. He was like, yeah, I'm.
• 30:17
  I don't know what the date was. I think we were friends on
• 30:19
  Instagram when you did retire. I.
• 30:20
  Remember, yes, I retired. I retired, I think it was June.
• 30:24
  Yeah, I retired. It was.
• 30:24
  After I talked to you, I remember seeing the pictures of
• 30:26
  you be retiring and whatnot and there was, you know, that's
• 30:31
  cool. And just in a situation when you
• 30:33
  said you hated him. I think a part of when I talk to
• 30:36
  people in a situation when they hate that person, you also
• 30:39
  sometimes the the hate reflects internally as well because you
• 30:42
  hate yourself or even sometimes being in a relationship dynamic
• 30:45
  with this person, like I hate them, but how am I in this
• 30:49
  relationship with this person, You know, And I think a lot of
• 30:51
  people get into those spaces where they start to blame
• 30:54
  themselves. You absolutely hate the person,
• 30:57
  but when you're alone, you're like, what am I doing with this
• 31:00
  person? And a lot of times people blame
• 31:02
  themselves. But it's it the mind, the human
• 31:04
  mind is one of those kind of fickle things.
• 31:06
  It could be what I've learned throughout the years.
• 31:08
  The human mind can be both. It can be both fragile and
• 31:11
  resilient at the same time, you know. 100%.
• 31:15
  But it can be resilient as well. That's why you you can go from
• 31:18
  survivor to thriver. That's what those exist.
• 31:20
  You can go from surviving domestic violence, death
• 31:24
  threats. Absolutely.
• 31:26
  Taxing your life to being a survivor or thriver that helps
• 31:28
  other people because it's fragile.
• 31:30
  You get broken, but then you get resilient, you know, because
• 31:33
  broken doesn't mean destroyed. And I think a lot of people.
• 31:35
  Will. Confabulate conflict.
• 31:37
  The two this is like they they don't mean the same thing.
• 31:39
  You can be broken, but you can put yourself back together
• 31:41
  better. Destroyed is completely
• 31:43
  different, you know. Obliterated is different than
• 31:45
  broken. Man, there were points where I
• 31:48
  thought I was, I'm like, how do I get up?
• 31:50
  Like I feel like I'm just the BLOB.
• 31:51
  I have no way to like stand up. But then after a while it was
• 31:54
  like, I can't, like I can't do it.
• 31:57
  But I guess like what? I've not talked about Lee and I
• 31:59
  think is really important. How much I think do we stop
• 32:01
  time? So I have not talked about the
• 32:06
  cheating. I caught this man probably that
• 32:11
  I know of at least 910 times. I know that he cheated on me
• 32:18
  profusely. This man would have hickeys.
• 32:21
  He would not like to barbecue because he had plans after and
• 32:25
  he'd want to smell like a BBQ. I'm actually walked in on him.
• 32:28
  I actually, one day I came home. He was so busy when he got his
• 32:32
  principal job, he was so busy. Oh, for fuck's sake, he had.
• 32:34
  I had to leave at 2:00 in the morning.
• 32:36
  At 2:00 in the afternoon. We had breakfast, we had sex and
• 32:40
  he told me I have so much work to do.
• 32:43
  Kind of like like 2:00 in the afternoon.
• 32:45
  I got this feeling and I just said go.
• 32:47
  He was like, go. So I got in my car, went to his
• 32:50
  house and here comes this little lady opposite of what I look
• 32:55
  like. And I mean, and I don't mean
• 32:57
  that like I I mean that because they don't.
• 33:00
  What I want to make sure that people understand is that they
• 33:02
  don't care. People think, oh, narcissist is
• 33:04
  a hobotite. No, they don't.
• 33:07
  They don't. So, well, I caught him and I
• 33:12
  said, hey, I said I'd like Joe by real slow.
• 33:17
  Like it like kind of like a drive by.
• 33:18
  And I'm like, hey, can I talk to you in the broad daylight?
• 33:21
  But she's like, yeah. And so I got out of my car.
• 33:24
  I locked it, and I'm shaking. And she's like, I said, I said,
• 33:29
  did you just have sex with Salazar?
• 33:31
  And she's like, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, is he your
• 33:35
  boyfriend? She's like, yeah.
• 33:38
  And I'm like, I'm his girlfriend.
• 33:39
  My name is Louella. It's nice to meet you.
• 33:42
  And she's like, that motherfucker.
• 33:44
  So she also had guessed that he was doing that, too.
• 33:47
  So I stood on one side. I stood on one side of the of
• 33:50
  the house. And she stood at the door and
• 33:52
  knocked. And then I came out from the
• 33:55
  side. And he answered naked.
• 33:59
  And his eyes were like, But you know, he was like he said, you
• 34:02
  know, you don't touch me anymore.
• 34:06
  You're no longer sexy. You don't come in and just take
• 34:09
  your clothes off. And of course, I don't know how
• 34:13
  to tilt my hips, right? I just, I just was at a loss for
• 34:18
  words. I just, I.
• 34:20
  So from that moment on, I was always trying to be better.
• 34:25
  I was always trying to be like, So I went to therapy with him.
• 34:30
  I found a therapist, even though a therapist is not supposed to
• 34:32
  work with you if you've been. I literally begged this
• 34:34
  therapist. He not only went with me, said I
• 34:37
  never want to hurt Louella. I love her so much.
• 34:39
  Had his hand on my leg when we got home.
• 34:42
  The I the way that I figured out is I found pussy wipes like I, I
• 34:49
  don't know, like Massengill or I don't know what they're called,
• 34:52
  like some kind of freight. I don't know what they are.
• 34:55
  I found the wrappers in his trash can and he was like, oh, I
• 35:00
  cleaned the school in the morning and I must have put them
• 35:03
  in my pocket and I was heartbroken.
• 35:09
  The reason that I wanted to bring that back up is most of
• 35:11
  the time that I got my ass beat was because I was of course had
• 35:14
  a bad attitude or I was I caught him on something.
• 35:18
  And so I caught him a number of times.
• 35:21
  I cancelled trips that we were split that with that particular
• 35:24
  time we were supposed to go to Vegas for his birthday.
• 35:27
  I cancelled it because of course I didn't want to go with him and
• 35:31
  we ended up getting back together.
• 35:33
  After that. I caught him again literally
• 35:38
  doing or having oral sex with the I literally stood out there
• 35:45
  like a mad woman out of his house.
• 35:47
  Like I was crazy. I literally was crazy.
• 35:52
  Those words are true. He made me crazy.
• 35:56
  I was knocking on the door. You know how I caught him?
• 35:59
  I literally saw it with my own eyes.
• 36:01
  And I had just been with him the night before.
• 36:04
  There was a crack in the blind and I saw him doing filthy
• 36:09
  things to that woman. That, but you see how
• 36:12
  traumatizing those experiences can get right there just in
• 36:15
  these situations when you're dealing with people who behave
• 36:18
  like this and who continuously do this type of stuff, that's
• 36:21
  traumatizing that you're in. But in his mind, in his mind on
• 36:25
  his, in the grand scheme of things, he thinks it's this is
• 36:28
  just part of the relationship. Now he's like, well, this has
• 36:31
  happened over and over again. So you why are you angry?
• 36:35
  This is who I am. This is who I've been for years.
• 36:38
  So why are you acting this way? Why are you upset?
• 36:40
  Like we do this, I cheat, you get mad, we get back together.
• 36:44
  That's. Right, put my hands on you.
• 36:45
  Whatever the case may be, why are you upset now?
• 36:48
  This becomes his new normal. And this is the way they look at
• 36:51
  it. And this is the way just in the
• 36:53
  if I put my narcissist hat on, right?
• 36:54
  It's like the way I rationalize these behaviors is just like,
• 36:57
  well, if it was that bad, she wouldn't be with me.
• 37:01
  But she's here, so it's not bad. It's OK.
• 37:03
  He said those words to me, Lee. Well, if it's if I'm not bad,
• 37:08
  why the fuck do you answer when I message you?
• 37:12
  He would create fake emails. But let me finish that part.
• 37:15
  Let me just tell you really quickly, I drove up through a
• 37:19
  different direction. He parked his car.
• 37:22
  He used to live by the zoo. He parked his car under a tree.
• 37:28
  There was this car that I was like, that's a weird car that
• 37:31
  doesn't look like a car that belongs there.
• 37:32
  And so I'm sure the whole time that I was on in the in, I don't
• 37:37
  even know if it was a relationship that he was on
• 37:39
  dating apps. I think, I think the lady that I
• 37:41
  caught him with the first time, I said, well, where did you meet
• 37:44
  with him? Meet him.
• 37:45
  She's like Tinder and I said, well, how long have you been
• 37:48
  seeing him? She's like about 5 months.
• 37:51
  And in that time he had told me that he needed to take the
• 37:53
  weekend to go deal with his parents.
• 37:56
  He needs to go see the attorney for his parents and in the will.
• 38:00
  And I'm like, I went with my parents during the week.
• 38:02
  Most attorneys work during the week, but he needed the weekend.
• 38:05
  So I 100% know that he went on a rendezvous with this woman to
• 38:10
  make up the fact that I had caught him.
• 38:12
  I go ahead. The same woman.
• 38:16
  You know, it was a different woman.
• 38:18
  I got calls from women. She told me that towards the end
• 38:26
  when he had moved out of the he got fired, which was my fault
• 38:30
  too, from the public schools here in, in my city.
• 38:34
  He got fired. And that was my fault because I,
• 38:39
  I contacted the school district or something bizarre like that
• 38:42
  because he was not accountable. He tested positive for some sort
• 38:46
  of substance. That was my fault too, because I
• 38:49
  I made him ingested. I, I wasn't even with him.
• 38:51
  This was around COVID. During COVID, I worked from his
• 38:55
  home and he came home selling like a woman's vagina.
• 39:01
  And of course he gaslit me and I knew something was going on.
• 39:05
  I also had found like a pair of shorts and some Doctor Brenner's
• 39:09
  soap in his trunk and I was like, why do you have that?
• 39:12
  Why the fuck you? Every time you ask something,
• 39:14
  you're always fucking trying to take us back.
• 39:16
  We can never move forward because you always want to live
• 39:18
  in the past. I'm like, why do you have shorts
• 39:20
  in your trunk? The red shorts.
• 39:23
  And the red shorts, they want the red shirts.
• 39:27
  They are the red shirts. Oh my gosh.
• 39:29
  And doctor like, come on, you know, and I don't know how I
• 39:36
  endured that. And he would tell me he's like,
• 39:38
  you're so you're so insecure. All your boyfriends must have
• 39:41
  cheated on you. And I'm like, no, I've actually,
• 39:43
  I've actually not really ever experienced.
• 39:46
  I had never in my life experienced something like this.
• 39:49
  And if I never have another relationship because he used to
• 39:54
  tell me, no one's going to want you.
• 39:55
  You're ugly, you're fat, you wear fake hair, you wear fake
• 39:58
  eyelashes. Your face is full of Botox.
• 40:00
  And unfortunately, Lee, some of that still sits with me.
• 40:06
  Some of that is still very, it will float to the top.
• 40:09
  It still reminds me like that. I'm not worthy.
• 40:16
  I work on it. I'm still in therapy.
• 40:18
  Of course I have to schedule sessions with you also.
• 40:24
  You know, I've I've, I do EMDR, but I have a lot of I still have
• 40:30
  a lot of self worth issues, But let me get to the best part.
• 40:33
  So don't cry anymore. But so I caught him many, many,
• 40:36
  many, many times. It was never him.
• 40:38
  It was if I would just fuck him better if I was just sexy
• 40:40
  enough. I mean it would, but then I
• 40:42
  would see the women and I'd be like, well, I don't understand.
• 40:45
  I'm so confused. Like what is sexy?
• 40:48
  So people say oh narcissist like empaths and like I am not the
• 40:54
  nicest fucking person, I'll put you in your seat.
• 40:56
  But I lost all of that. I didn't even know who I was.
• 41:00
  So so I was miserable. The last time he hoovered me, I
• 41:07
  was miserable. I was angry that law enforcement
• 41:09
  had done nothing prior to him beating me up, to him throwing
• 41:13
  me out of his house. I had gone to do an open
• 41:16
  confession with the priest and he told me, if you don't leave
• 41:22
  today, I'm going to call state police.
• 41:26
  And I said, I promise I will leave.
• 41:28
  He said, this man is going to kill you.
• 41:31
  This man is dangerous. And of course, here he is in his
• 41:34
  community working as, as a he's like a person of I can't even
• 41:42
  think of the word like people look up to him, the children
• 41:46
  look up to him. Like a role model to other
• 41:50
  people. Yeah, There you go.
• 41:51
  Thank you. Sorry.
• 41:52
  Yeah. He was like role modeling.
• 41:53
  And, you know, he was always smiling and how are you?
• 41:56
  How's your dad? And I'd be like.
• 41:58
  And he had this laugh. I just couldn't stand it.
• 42:03
  I just. There was just things about him
• 42:05
  that just he would act. He would adopt people's
• 42:08
  language. He would adopt people's slang
• 42:11
  when he was fucking around, he would adopt their texting style.
• 42:16
  He stole my driver's license. So he he lost his job.
• 42:19
  Sorry. Of course, this is my mind.
• 42:21
  The way it works. He lost his job.
• 42:22
  It was my fault. He came home smelling like a
• 42:25
  woman's parts. He beat me up.
• 42:31
  He spit on me, I left, I filed A protective order.
• 42:35
  I left for about that was the longest, about four months.
• 42:37
  He started sending me songs, created fake e-mail addresses.
• 42:41
  He sent me that song. I I hope if anybody ever sees
• 42:44
  this and they're involved with him, I hope they know that I'm
• 42:47
  the one that the Sinead O'Connor, that song is mine
• 42:50
  because nothing compared to me. I'm sure that song was recycled,
• 42:55
  but in the last time that I went back, I was not into it.
• 42:59
  He gave me the ick. I just did not know how to get
• 43:02
  out. And this time when I left, I was
• 43:05
  determined to never go back because his thing was, if I'm so
• 43:08
  bad, don't fucking come back. Don't answer my messages so
• 43:14
  exactly. About it, absolutely.
• 43:16
  Yeah, He's like you. You're here, so you must be OK
• 43:20
  with. It I guess it's not that bad.
• 43:22
  Yeah, I have tons of recordings that I still can't listen to.
• 43:27
  I get like I feel like I could throw a tons.
• 43:29
  I have tons of recordings. But here's the thing.
• 43:34
  So the last I was since so we went to a football game.
• 43:38
  They were beautiful seats. The Broncos were not playing
• 43:41
  well, but he he did. They were good seats.
• 43:45
  I paid for a very high dollar hotel downtown Denver, but that
• 43:49
  didn't count. He bought the fucking football
• 43:52
  tickets. So again, I took like stuff for
• 43:57
  charcuterie because we drove from his home.
• 43:59
  He was like, you're such a good woman.
• 44:02
  God, what would I do without you?
• 44:04
  I just love you. Next day we're having a big
• 44:07
  fucking fight. I'm not worth the shit.
• 44:10
  I'm, I'm, I eat all his food. I mean, you name it.
• 44:14
  I, I didn't even the hotel wasn't even that expensive.
• 44:17
  But The funny thing is, is he had this old car that we went in
• 44:20
  and I had to pay for covered parking like because it was $50
• 44:28
  a night. But we could have done like it
• 44:30
  was not a Rolls Royce. But anyway, so anyway, so I was
• 44:37
  completely done. I would listen to podcasts all
• 44:41
  day. I would watch you.
• 44:42
  I would watch Doctor Romney. I would watch everything I
• 44:45
  could. I would, I probably have
• 44:46
  listened to all of your podcasts.
• 44:49
  I would just listen, listen, listen, listen.
• 44:51
  I was, so I was done. He I was done.
• 44:56
  I knew I was done. I, I did probably four or five
• 45:00
  support groups from the minute he left to work.
• 45:03
  He would beat me up before work. We would go to the gym early in
• 45:08
  the morning. He would tell me, what the fuck
• 45:09
  were you doing? You were bending over so
• 45:10
  everybody would see your ass. I'm like, I was doing deadlifts,
• 45:12
  bro. I was doing deadlifts.
• 45:14
  I always had to wear a shirt around my waist, so I'm just
• 45:21
  going to kind of fast track it. But so I was not happy.
• 45:25
  I was miserable. I looked like shit.
• 45:28
  He would. I had bought him a pair of
• 45:29
  sneakers one morning before he went to work when I knew he had
• 45:33
  a meeting with the He had talked about it.
• 45:35
  You know, I had to know everything about him.
• 45:37
  He didn't give a fuck about me. He didn't care about anything
• 45:40
  about me and he told me that he had this meeting with the
• 45:45
  parents and this child that was really ornery and he told me
• 45:51
  that I acted I that the little 5 year old mentally challenged
• 45:59
  child at his school was more cognizant and smarter than me.
• 46:04
  I was Dumber than fuck. I'm retired, right?
• 46:07
  I've got, I've gone to college. I'm absolutely not a dummy.
• 46:11
  But in that moment I felt like a dummy.
• 46:13
  Then he told me that I was so I love Andrea Bocelli.
• 46:18
  I couldn't like Andrea Bocelli because who the fuck taught me
• 46:21
  about that? I also like the Rat Pack.
• 46:23
  Who the fuck taught me about that?
• 46:26
  So one day I went to turn on his, he had like a fire TV or
• 46:31
  something, but he said I ruined, I ruined that too.
• 46:35
  And he had a so the fire TV had a remote.
• 46:39
  It's the only way you could turn it on.
• 46:40
  I couldn't find it. Everything in that house was
• 46:42
  ordered. I was always on my knees.
• 46:43
  I was always fucking cleaning the house.
• 46:45
  It would be perfect. He had to have his towels folded
• 46:47
  this the right way. So sometimes I didn't want to
• 46:50
  fucking fold him like that because I felt like fucking
• 46:51
  making a fight. I would fold him the way I fold
• 46:54
  my towels just to give you a sum of what I went through in those
• 47:00
  last eight months that I was with him.
• 47:03
  I would get home from coming home to my home to get clothing.
• 47:07
  I would go back and he'd be, it would be like a Tuesday.
• 47:09
  And that weekend we had changed the sheets and he'd be like, Oh
• 47:12
  yeah, baby, those sheets are in the, in the, in the dryer, you
• 47:16
  know, and I'd be like, why? I'd be thinking like, why did
• 47:18
  you change them? And he's like, you know, I like
• 47:21
  a clean bed. And I was like, but we just
• 47:23
  changed them. So this happened all the time.
• 47:28
  But one time I got there and I literally got a Clorox wipe and
• 47:34
  I cleaned blood off his bed. Oh, your blood.
• 47:40
  No, his whoever I was gone now for like 2 days and like I was
• 47:47
  done. Like at this point I'm like this
• 47:48
  is it Like this is fucking it. I remember calling my friend and
• 47:51
  I'm like what do I do? And she's like well Are you
• 47:53
  ready to leave? And I'm like, no, I'm not ready
• 47:55
  to leave because I did not want to keep this doing this back and
• 47:57
  forth. So I changed the sheets.
• 48:00
  I just let it go. I mean, by this time I was
• 48:04
  miserable. This was like he treated me
• 48:07
  horrible. If we went out to dinner, he
• 48:09
  would complain. I wanted to throw up the state
• 48:11
  that I had eaten. And remember I still had to pay
• 48:13
  half. So I when I helped him move and
• 48:16
  sell his and get his house clean when he was still in the city,
• 48:19
  he was cheating on me the whole time.
• 48:21
  This man always had hickeys on his stomach and he was cheating
• 48:26
  on me the whole time. Then after he treated me
• 48:29
  horribly when I helped him load EU hauls awful like I was some
• 48:33
  kind of servant like I was paid help and after he got moved in
• 48:40
  he was done with me and I went back the following weekend.
• 48:45
  There was a receipt because it was still around COVID.
• 48:47
  He had taken someone to dinner, he's like, and they had had two
• 48:51
  old fashions and two margaritas and he.
• 48:54
  Let the receipt out. Which wasn't the first time
• 48:58
  you're snooping through my stuff.
• 49:00
  And I'm like, no, no, actually, it was just right there one
• 49:04
  time. There was like, I love you,
• 49:05
  baby. He's like, oh, thank you, baby.
• 49:07
  I swear he left it out. Yeah, I.
• 49:10
  Mean I was. Saying he left it out on
• 49:12
  purpose. He left it out on purpose.
• 49:13
  This man took out toys to use on me.
• 49:18
  Like he had one of those pocket. What are they called?
• 49:21
  Like, Yeah. And anyway, he's like, I'm like,
• 49:27
  oh, where did you get that? And he's like, oh, he's like, I
• 49:30
  ordered it. He's like, God get lonely.
• 49:33
  I was like, oh, so we just, I just gotten back and I was like,
• 49:37
  I looked and this was all in the eight months that I left.
• 49:40
  That was the last time I went back.
• 49:42
  And I remember I was laying on the bed and I saw the box and I
• 49:44
  had already seen the tag. And it's, it said a place that
• 49:47
  was near my home. And I remember seeing the box
• 49:50
  and I'm like, I opened it and there was a pair of women's
• 49:53
  underwear. And he just had to had that
• 49:55
  laying out. He didn't give a fuck, he did
• 49:57
  not respect me. Yeah, he was just doing anti.
• 50:00
  He's just doing on purpose to torture you and to be
• 50:03
  antagonistic and try to argue with you on purpose.
• 50:06
  I think he likes setting you off.
• 50:07
  I think part of this, it seemed like he had a, he's a sadistic
• 50:12
  part of him where he likes kind of causing pain and stress to
• 50:15
  you and he like they got pleasure from that.
• 50:19
  So I'll, you know, start now as they start to get to the end.
• 50:24
  So I dealt with this throughout the relationship.
• 50:26
  I got shoved down the stairs with his knee several numerous
• 50:30
  times. He's kicked me in the kidney
• 50:32
  when I was taking care of him when he tore his shit in his
• 50:36
  arm. I went for groceries.
• 50:38
  I cooked for him. He kicked me in my in my
• 50:40
  kidneys, then pulled me by my jacket, tore my whole denim
• 50:44
  jacket, took it to the cleaners. Then he listened to this.
• 50:48
  He took it to my work because my I lived, I worked behind locked
• 50:52
  doors because the first time you had a restraining order, you got
• 50:55
  let your HR know. So they put locked you had to
• 50:59
  you had to buzz in. And he actually washed my jacket
• 51:06
  in his detergent in his way, tied it in a grocery bag, tied
• 51:13
  it in another grocery bag. So when I would take it out, the
• 51:16
  smell would come out. So, I mean, he moved over there.
• 51:21
  I'm sure he was doing, you know, a distance relationship.
• 51:23
  You know, he's like, well, you're going to come here to
• 51:25
  move. I own a home.
• 51:27
  You know, I live here in Albuquerque.
• 51:28
  Like I, I never had an intention.
• 51:31
  I was always a part of me. He used to say, you know, you
• 51:33
  always come and you have one leg 1 foot out the door.
• 51:35
  And he was right. That's probably about the only
• 51:37
  thing that he was right about. Oh, things not really bad.
• 51:42
  I was talking to my daughter. I remember that afternoon, it
• 51:46
  was a Tuesday and my daughter said, mom, you need to cool off.
• 51:55
  He's going to he's going to kill you tonight.
• 51:57
  Like you need to stop. And I'm like, I don't want fuck
• 52:01
  him. So when he would get home, I
• 52:03
  would move my hair over so you couldn't see my Airpod And I'd
• 52:06
  be like, can you shut the fuck up?
• 52:07
  Like I'm trying to listen to Lee or I'm trying to listen to
• 52:09
  doctor. Like I just, I was not in it,
• 52:12
  but I was not strong enough to leave.
• 52:15
  I don't recommend that to anybody, by the way.
• 52:17
  It's a very tough place to be in right there where you feel it's
• 52:21
  like this middle ground where you feel stuck, but you feel
• 52:23
  like you don't have this strength to leave this person
• 52:25
  just yet. And sometimes it's like you, you
• 52:30
  know, this is it. And a part of you just, it's
• 52:32
  just hold on. It's kind of like the last, the
• 52:36
  last grasp, you know, the one thing that kind of like you're
• 52:39
  hanging off the edge and like, you got one finger before you
• 52:41
  let it go and drop. And that's what ends up
• 52:43
  happening right there. You in this space where you
• 52:44
  know, it's it's over and done with.
• 52:48
  But part of you is just like, I don't want to leave just yet.
• 52:50
  You kind of like that become dead.
• 52:51
  Yeah. Because I just didn't want to go
• 52:53
  back. And I had done it so many times,
• 52:55
  like, so things were terrible. I mean, he I had lost my hearing
• 53:01
  in my left ear. He beat the shit out of me with
• 53:03
  a pair of shoes that I bought him.
• 53:05
  He always had new things. He always had like new Cologne.
• 53:09
  It's just, I mean, he didn't care.
• 53:10
  You know, you're perfectly correct.
• 53:13
  So I used to try to listen to like spa music or like doctor, I
• 53:19
  mean, Doctor Bocelli, Miguel, whatever.
• 53:22
  And sorry, I lost my train of thought.
• 53:25
  And he, he took so everything was everything had its place.
• 53:31
  Like everything was literally perfect.
• 53:34
  And so I was like, where the fuck is the remote?
• 53:37
  And so I'm like, fuck it, I'll just listen to my phone.
• 53:39
  So we exchanged a couple messages and I was like, I'm not
• 53:43
  going to ask him because I'm assuming he took it to work.
• 53:45
  I've looked everywhere. So I would watch him walk
• 53:49
  because he used to walk to work and walk home and unless he was
• 53:52
  going to go fuck around, because I'm sure he would come home like
• 53:55
  with ass marks, scratches on his, on his hips.
• 53:59
  And he'd be like, you know, I'm, I think I'm allergic to
• 54:01
  something in the detergent. And I'd be like, but only on
• 54:03
  your butt, like only on your hips.
• 54:06
  Like everything he did in those last eight months were just, I
• 54:10
  mean, it was almost like God had like plopped him there.
• 54:12
  Like this is what's going to happen next.
• 54:15
  So I was done. I was talking to advocates from
• 54:18
  state police, but I was attending support groups, and a
• 54:21
  lady was the one who told me so I would get on every day anyway.
• 54:26
  So I was like, do you know what happened to the remote?
• 54:28
  And he's like, yeah, it's like I took it to work.
• 54:34
  He took the remote to work. Yeah.
• 54:35
  And I said, and he like pulled it down and I'm like, why?
• 54:40
  Like what? Why would you do that?
• 54:42
  And he's like, because it's fucking mine.
• 54:44
  I was just like, I mean, how I can argue with that?
• 54:49
  But somewhere inside me I just started to boil.
• 54:53
  And I was so fucking livid. And I went in there to ask him
• 54:58
  something and, and he was in the room, you know, he sat down and
• 55:02
  ate dinner and left his plate on the table.
• 55:04
  And I've got up and cleaned it and I did everything, but inside
• 55:07
  I was boiling. And I went in there and I said
• 55:11
  something to him again and he just got me and he just pushed
• 55:14
  me. My hands are all fucked up.
• 55:19
  My thumb is disfigured. He did not call 911.
• 55:22
  He would not give me my phone to call my daughter.
• 55:25
  My work with brain injury is that you cannot have an an
• 55:28
  injury here because you basically can lose your life.
• 55:34
  So luckily I have a big fat forehead from my mom and so I
• 55:38
  have right here is where it hits.
• 55:40
  So you can see in some of the pictures like I swelled all
• 55:43
  right here. So I do have a brain injury I
• 55:48
  have. I do have a high propensity for
• 55:54
  really onset dementia. You this type of stuff right
• 55:59
  here that happens and you end up with so much regret and stuff
• 56:03
  like that being cheated on and treated horribly.
• 56:06
  You get to that point where you you have to understand that it's
• 56:10
  not your fault, right? People like this treat you
• 56:13
  horribly because they are horrible people or people who
• 56:18
  end up in these type of relationships feel like you're
• 56:20
  you're just trying to get love you're trying to be better for
• 56:22
  this person. You're always trying to change
• 56:25
  who you are, so this person will treat you differently.
• 56:27
  But at the end of the day, this narcissist, psychopath, he's he
• 56:31
  sounds like he's worse than another.
• 56:33
  Yeah, it's just like when you were saying some of his, I was
• 56:35
  like, yeah, he's he's he's on the top floor.
• 56:38
  Like narcissism. Narcissism is like on the 1st
• 56:40
  floor. He's in the he's in the
• 56:42
  penthouse. He's up everywhere, right?
• 56:45
  He's in the penthouse, Right. But some people just this is who
• 56:50
  they are at their core, and no one person will ever be enough.
• 56:53
  And they like torturing people. You know, this is the point
• 56:57
  where they like torturing people.
• 56:58
  And you've gotten to the point now where you've escaped and you
• 57:01
  had this, this story to tell of like literally surviving, which
• 57:05
  is, you know, I mean, I first talked to you.
• 57:06
  I was like, Oh my God, I think I tell people about my journey.
• 57:11
  I share a part of your story. I was like, I didn't know how
• 57:14
  real this type of shit was until I talked to her.
• 57:15
  I was like, wait, what? You know, you were telling me
• 57:17
  some of the stuff that you were going through like, huh, wait,
• 57:19
  what? They do this, you know, And that
• 57:21
  helped open my eyes to a lot of this type of stuff that people
• 57:24
  experience. Like I the one thing I tell
• 57:26
  people, like it's not your fault how they treat you.
• 57:30
  No matter what they say, no matter how they try to phrase
• 57:33
  it, no matter how they try to frame it, it's not on you how
• 57:36
  they treat you. Of course, you, you are in a
• 57:39
  relationship with them, right? You're with them, but they try
• 57:42
  to blame you for their behaviors.
• 57:43
  You're too strong. You're too this, you're too that
• 57:45
  too much hair. Let me pull some of it out.
• 57:47
  It's always something into these spaces where they make you feel
• 57:50
  like you're not enough because you know, he doesn't feel like
• 57:52
  he's enough. He's trying to compete with you.
• 57:54
  Like when you're in relationships with people like
• 57:56
  this, you are their competition. You know, that's, it's it.
• 58:00
  That's just the the simplest way of putting it.
• 58:02
  They compete with you in every single way and they don't feel
• 58:04
  like enough. So they always try to be little
• 58:06
  things that you are proud of when I'm retiring at this age.
• 58:09
  But your job is easy, you know. Well, look at my job.
• 58:11
  I'm helping, I'm helping foster in a news generation.
• 58:15
  I'm helping teaching the kids, you know, But you feel, you see,
• 58:18
  he felt like he wasn't enough even from the beginning when he
• 58:20
  told you that he, he lied about his job.
• 58:23
  I'm a principal. And like, wait, what?
• 58:25
  You assistant principal? Why, why can't you just tell the
• 58:27
  truth? Because he knew that he felt
• 58:30
  like he wasn't enough. And I think I told you, I was
• 58:32
  trying to tell you in the beginning, like how he was
• 58:35
  chasing you. These relationship dynamics
• 58:37
  start off with them chasing behind you.
• 58:39
  You're like, and then somehow something happens with flips and
• 58:44
  you end up chasing them and they're fasted.
• 58:47
  You never catch them. They.
• 58:48
  Catch you it's. Kind of like playing tag.
• 58:50
  They catch you like tag you're it and you try to turn around
• 58:52
  and chase them, but they're faster, you know, and they're
• 58:56
  faster, but they never get out of your distance.
• 58:58
  They never they always keep you insight and let you catch up a
• 59:00
  little bit and didn't take off running it again like you
• 59:03
  nothing you ever do one enough? Hey, hey, I stopped working out
• 59:06
  so much. Hey, I'm doing this.
• 59:08
  Hey, I'm not going to the gym. Hey, you you don't like
• 59:10
  deadlifts? I I'm just doing squats now,
• 59:13
  whatever it is right. You know I'm doing I'm doing
• 59:15
  RDLS. No more deadlifts.
• 59:17
  You know what you're doing? You're changing hack squats.
• 59:19
  I'm new hack squats. Yeah, stuff right there.
• 59:22
  I'm wearing a hadjib to the gym, my job to the gym or whatever,
• 59:25
  so nobody can even see me, right?
• 59:27
  Nothing you do would be enough for this person.
• 59:29
  And like, your experiences have been extremely valid and
• 59:32
  whatnot. And I want to touch on something
• 59:33
  else you have put too, though. You had said something about
• 59:36
  this type of stuff floats to the surface, right?
• 59:38
  You say it comes back up every once in a while.
• 59:41
  Buried things float to the surface, right?
• 59:43
  Even if you tie you, even if people try to throw a dead body
• 59:46
  in the water, right? They put cement blocks to it,
• 59:48
  they tie it up like they throw it into the water, right?
• 59:51
  Like, get out of here. Nobody ever find it.
• 59:53
  Sooner or later those chains break and it floats to the
• 59:57
  surface and they everything gets discovered.
• 59:59
  It's like when it flows to the surface, how you going to deal
• 1:00:01
  with it, right? And sometimes they float to the
• 1:00:04
  surface. I I truly believe that it only
• 1:00:06
  floats to the surface when your mind thinks that you're ready to
• 1:00:10
  deal with it because it's buried it so deeply.
• 1:00:12
  It's like, OK, we're at the point right now where go ahead
• 1:00:15
  and cut the tile. Let let that float to the
• 1:00:16
  surface. Let it hurts and it sucks and it
• 1:00:18
  could be a triggering experience.
• 1:00:20
  But I think our minds are ready to deal with it right now.
• 1:00:22
  You're in a space, you're in a better space right now to deal
• 1:00:24
  with it because the mind is always trying to find a way to
• 1:00:28
  make you feel better. The mind is always trying to
• 1:00:31
  find a way to make you happy. So it buries this type of stuff.
• 1:00:34
  Like literally your mind is like this abuse, like literally ties
• 1:00:37
  cement blocks to and throws into the ocean and never to be seen
• 1:00:41
  again. But your mind is like, OK,
• 1:00:43
  Louella doing kind of good right now.
• 1:00:44
  She thriving. She got a little bit.
• 1:00:46
  Let me go ahead and cut this real quick.
• 1:00:47
  And you might be driving one day.
• 1:00:49
  Let's do damn, I forgot about that.
• 1:00:52
  You know, and this type of stuff flows through the surface, but
• 1:00:55
  don't push it back down. You have to, you have to allow
• 1:00:58
  it to flow. You know, my therapist calls it
• 1:01:00
  urge surfing or whatever, right? It's like you don't want to push
• 1:01:03
  it back down because they'll come back up later on.
• 1:01:05
  It's like what happened here, valid.
• 1:01:08
  You have to validate yourself and ride it like a surfboard
• 1:01:11
  until it goes back down on its own.
• 1:01:13
  It's like, OK, now I can release this thought.
• 1:01:15
  I can release this because you've been helping a lot of
• 1:01:16
  people. I see you on live all the time,
• 1:01:17
  helping people with your story and sharing what you've been
• 1:01:20
  going through, which can be super impactful.
• 1:01:24
  But you had to go through it to get to this point, right?
• 1:01:26
  It's like I'm in a good play, like I'm I'm survived.
• 1:01:30
  It's the same word. It's like, damn, I survived.
• 1:01:33
  Damn, I survived. You see what I'm saying?
• 1:01:35
  It's the same exact sentence, but it has a different meaning
• 1:01:38
  to it. You go to a front of a front of
• 1:01:40
  a crowd like I survived, but you bite yourself.
• 1:01:43
  I survived, but it's like, what did I go through?
• 1:01:45
  How do I get here? How do I keep this from
• 1:01:47
  happening again? And your story is going to help
• 1:01:49
  a lot of people. I promise you it is because who?
• 1:01:51
  Who, Who the hell like you? You didn't buy your Lexus to
• 1:01:55
  race. He's like my car fastened you.
• 1:01:59
  Who the fuck this Fast and furious are you, Vin Diesel?
• 1:02:03
  What are we? What are we doing?
• 1:02:04
  It's like we got, yeah, we got drifting.
• 1:02:09
  What were you talking about? Like, but that's, that's where
• 1:02:12
  the mind goes. And I feel like you were his
• 1:02:13
  competition. Like he treated you a certain
• 1:02:15
  type of way because you made him feel a certain type of way.
• 1:02:18
  Like, I truly believe that narcissistic people treat people
• 1:02:21
  externally how they feel about themselves internally.
• 1:02:24
  Like he hates himself so he gets people close to him and he
• 1:02:28
  starts treating people horribly because he feel like he feels
• 1:02:30
  horrible about himself. Because I was just kind of
• 1:02:33
  scrolling through our old messages and I seen some of
• 1:02:35
  them. He's like he was sending you
• 1:02:36
  pictures when you even when you left him, he was still sending
• 1:02:39
  you stuff, right? Even when you finally it was
• 1:02:41
  done with it, he was still sending you like a cards or some
• 1:02:44
  shit or calling for fake numbers or emails or something like
• 1:02:46
  that. He was doing all.
• 1:02:46
  Kinds of crazy shit he'd create. Fake e-mail. e-mail addresses?
• 1:02:51
  Yep. And that's in that in and of
• 1:02:53
  itself lets you know that you were enough.
• 1:02:56
  He just wanted to make you feel like you were not like you
• 1:02:59
  escaped, right? You literally got away and he
• 1:03:01
  was like, how do I get her back here?
• 1:03:03
  Right? He's trying to bait you into
• 1:03:04
  reaching out to him or whatever the case may be to because he
• 1:03:08
  knows that you were better than he is.
• 1:03:11
  And I he's he might still be out there right now screaming at the
• 1:03:14
  screaming at the top of his lungs with with red marks on his
• 1:03:17
  butt cheeks, trying to he. May not be alive.
• 1:03:21
  He may not be lively because he used to tell me.
• 1:03:24
  I I can't breathe without you. Yeah.
• 1:03:29
  Yeah, maybe. Maybe he suffocated in his own.
• 1:03:32
  He may have. He may, he may I know too.
• 1:03:34
  Who knows? I mean, I think that I, I
• 1:03:37
  really, I, I really want you to know that you have impacted my
• 1:03:45
  life in so many ways because I couldn't.
• 1:03:50
  It's garbled. Everything in your head is
• 1:03:52
  garbled when you're going through this.
• 1:03:55
  I have been. I've worked with a lot of
• 1:03:57
  coaches. I don't know why I didn't just
• 1:04:01
  work with you. I think I was afraid.
• 1:04:03
  I think there was a part of me that didn't want to hear what
• 1:04:05
  you had to say because I knew you were spot on.
• 1:04:11
  I I think that you have no idea. You have no idea the impact that
• 1:04:18
  you have had on people and that I'm alive today because of you.
• 1:04:25
  I'm alive today because you were very clear and I, I, I mirror my
• 1:04:32
  I mirror my coaching. I mirror my coaching to what you
• 1:04:37
  like. You're you were very direct.
• 1:04:40
  You didn't, you didn't dumb it down you and I loved that
• 1:04:43
  because I am that kind of person.
• 1:04:44
  Like I needed to hear it and I had coaches that would be like I
• 1:04:48
  needed to hear it. And so there were times where I
• 1:04:50
  couldn't. And so I owe my life to you.
• 1:04:52
  Thank you so much. You will always have your
• 1:04:57
  imprint is on my life because and you help so many people.
• 1:05:04
  You are helping so many people. Get the fuck out of these
• 1:05:07
  disgusting relationships. These are not relationships.
• 1:05:11
  This is a sentence to hell. I appreciate you saying that
• 1:05:14
  because it's always been the goal right there is to help as
• 1:05:17
  many people as possible. And I'm telling you like, as
• 1:05:20
  much as you say you help me, I, I help you like you help me too,
• 1:05:23
  because I was just like, you literally open my eyes up to how
• 1:05:26
  real this type of stuff got. Like, wait, it gets this bad.
• 1:05:29
  I'm like, God, it just like woke me up to a lot of different
• 1:05:32
  things that actually be going on that people don't realize that
• 1:05:35
  people don't actually see because you're not living it,
• 1:05:38
  you're not experiencing it. And it just like helped me take
• 1:05:41
  what I do a lot more serious. And just like, Hey, look, the
• 1:05:44
  person might be ready to take your life, you know, especially
• 1:05:45
  with the strangulation and all this stuff you experience.
• 1:05:48
  And I feel like, well, I feel like I would say to you, and I
• 1:05:50
  think I told you this before, you have to be kind to yourself
• 1:05:53
  because of a part of the healing journey is absolutely being kind
• 1:05:57
  to yourself. That that I know you said you
• 1:05:58
  have self self esteem or whatever kind of issues or
• 1:06:00
  whatnot. You have to be nice to you, you
• 1:06:03
  know, because he damn sure ain't gonna be nice to you, right?
• 1:06:06
  Niceness. He is devoid of niceness.
• 1:06:08
  So it's just like being kind to yourself is very is a huge part
• 1:06:12
  of the healing journey. Because when you start to beat
• 1:06:15
  yourself up and just, I can't believe I stayed in that
• 1:06:17
  relationship this long and put up with all that you give
• 1:06:19
  yourself what I refer to as an emotional, emotional black eye.
• 1:06:23
  It gets outside of it. It gets hard to see when your
• 1:06:26
  eyes are black actually, you know, physically too.
• 1:06:29
  But like emotionally, your emotional eyes are black.
• 1:06:31
  You can't see what is actually going on.
• 1:06:33
  So when you start to beat yourself up or just start be
• 1:06:35
  talking negative to yourself, you have to be nice to you,
• 1:06:38
  right? It is like, I can't believe I
• 1:06:39
  let that happen. I didn't know because you also
• 1:06:42
  mentioned earlier that you don't have a lot of relationship
• 1:06:44
  experience. Like sometimes it happens.
• 1:06:45
  Like somehow we get, we get it, we get later on in 20s,
• 1:06:48
  thirties, 40s, we don't have a lot of relationship experience
• 1:06:50
  like. Yeah, I mean, you're absolutely
• 1:06:53
  right. I didn't.
• 1:06:54
  I didn't. But I thought, well, I can
• 1:06:56
  learn. He can teach me that He loved
• 1:06:57
  me. He taught me.
• 1:07:00
  He's the principal. He can teach me.
• 1:07:02
  You see what I'm saying? He taught something, not you
• 1:07:05
  didn't sign up for that class right there, right?
• 1:07:07
  You just like, why? Why am I the only student in
• 1:07:09
  here? So, so just like that, that ends
• 1:07:12
  up being part of what happens. I've talked to so many people
• 1:07:16
  who've been in who got married when they were 18 years old,
• 1:07:19
  were married for 25 years, got divorced at 43 and they get into
• 1:07:23
  a relationship right after that. And it's lately I didn't know
• 1:07:26
  I've been married with the same person for 20.
• 1:07:27
  I didn't from 18 to 44. I was with somebody else.
• 1:07:31
  I didn't know how to. I just don't know.
• 1:07:33
  I thought this is nobody told me this type of stuff.
• 1:07:36
  I was with this one person who I knew we had divorced.
• 1:07:38
  We're still cool, but now this mother is evil.
• 1:07:42
  I didn't know evil existed like this.
• 1:07:44
  I've met with people like that. That's, that's scary.
• 1:07:48
  That is very scary. I've met with people like that,
• 1:07:50
  just like what you're saying, Like they've been married for 25
• 1:07:53
  years. Something just didn't go right.
• 1:07:55
  And then they meet that the devil.
• 1:07:57
  They meet, literally meet the damn devil.
• 1:07:59
  And I think a lot of people think the devil has horns and a
• 1:08:01
  Trident. Now the devil, the devil will
• 1:08:03
  come to you in the the the a different form deformed to fit
• 1:08:08
  you right. You don't ever see the movie in
• 1:08:11
  the movie. Even in the movies, the devil
• 1:08:13
  don't have a what is Trident? I'm Dev.
• 1:08:15
  I'm saying look at yeah. And a tale that is, yeah.
• 1:08:20
  Smiling just like Eric, you so beautiful.
• 1:08:21
  I love you so much. Yeah, that's that's the devil
• 1:08:24
  right there, you know, And I just feel like that's important
• 1:08:26
  to recognize as well because you just don't have a lot of
• 1:08:29
  relationship experience. That's why people and it's very
• 1:08:31
  difficult to see the full picture when you're the one
• 1:08:34
  that's standing inside the frame.
• 1:08:35
  It really is like when you're going through it and everybody
• 1:08:38
  else can see it. You know, if you just imagine a
• 1:08:40
  picture on the wall, everybody else can see the picture.
• 1:08:42
  You can see the frame, you can see the subtle, the subtle
• 1:08:45
  intricacies. But when you're living it,
• 1:08:46
  you're in the frame. You're like, wait, what's
• 1:08:48
  happening? This is I'm gonna die.
• 1:08:50
  I'm gonna die. He didn't kill me straight.
• 1:08:52
  He let go. He didn't, he's not gonna kill
• 1:08:54
  me and this type of stuff. And then they become nice to you
• 1:08:58
  all of a sudden and they tell you everything that you want to
• 1:09:01
  hear because that you want to hear it.
• 1:09:03
  Just like I just want him to apologize.
• 1:09:04
  Like, you know, I'm sorry for doing this.
• 1:09:05
  Please don't go. Don't go to police.
• 1:09:07
  Don't let me go to jail. Yeah, yeah, they, they threaten
• 1:09:11
  you. You know one thing that's really
• 1:09:14
  funny now that you said that I I wasn't a victim of domestic
• 1:09:17
  violence. I was not a victim of domestic
• 1:09:21
  violence. He said that I wanted people to
• 1:09:23
  feel sorry for me. I was not a victim of domestic
• 1:09:26
  violence. If he, if I had gotten the shit
• 1:09:29
  the fuck knocked out of me, I might be a victim of domestic
• 1:09:32
  violence, but I'm not a victim of domestic violence.
• 1:09:35
  So he didn't knock you out. So that means you not have got
• 1:09:37
  you, you stayed conscious the whole time, right?
• 1:09:40
  So that means you don't call, you don't qualify, right?
• 1:09:43
  You didn't you didn't check the consciousness box, right.
• 1:09:46
  So you're not a victim. But but this again, you see how
• 1:09:49
  you see the crazy, insane rationalization that people like
• 1:09:53
  this use to justify their abuse. It's like, no, you're not a
• 1:09:56
  victim of domestic violence. Like you did not go to sleep.
• 1:10:00
  You say woke the whole time. That's that's crazy.
• 1:10:03
  That's insane. I'm just telling you, But that's
• 1:10:05
  that's the insanity that goes on through their minds.
• 1:10:08
  That makes it that makes it that rationalizes it.
• 1:10:10
  Like no, this is not a can't be domestic violence and they
• 1:10:14
  probably change that right now. They can fucking train an AI bot
• 1:10:19
  to tell them what they want to hear, right They?
• 1:10:22
  That's a good way to say it. Like a narcissist is like an AI
• 1:10:26
  bot. No, narc bot.
• 1:10:29
  Am I abusive? No, you're not abusive.
• 1:10:31
  She didn't get. She didn't pass out.
• 1:10:32
  OK. Thank you.
• 1:10:34
  Thank you. Thank you.
• 1:10:35
  It's true. Thank.
• 1:10:37
  You dark bot, but that's the way they used to justify the
• 1:10:40
  craziness and insanity that they do.
• 1:10:42
  I promise you, they just and I just feel like you're in a
• 1:10:45
  different space right now. Well, yeah, you're going to have
• 1:10:47
  these moments in time that pop up and but you know how to deal
• 1:10:50
  with them right now. You process it.
• 1:10:51
  It's OK to cry. It's 100% OK to cry, you know,
• 1:10:55
  because like the tears are are the release.
• 1:10:57
  You know what I mean? It's just like the tears allow
• 1:10:59
  it to to be released. And so it might pop up again,
• 1:11:02
  but you know how to deal with it.
• 1:11:03
  You know how to ride that ride that wave until it goes down and
• 1:11:07
  whatnot. No.
• 1:11:09
  Crazy. I'm also happy you got you.
• 1:11:11
  Your relationship with your daughter seems like it's
• 1:11:12
  thriving as well. I say you post it on Instagram
• 1:11:14
  but. What?
• 1:11:14
  Yes, it's beautiful. I love it.
• 1:11:17
  I love it. So that's super cool because I
• 1:11:19
  know. It took me a long time.
• 1:11:21
  She, it's been a journey, but she is, you know, she's doing
• 1:11:28
  really well. And I think there's probably
• 1:11:31
  still moments where she's like, do you ever get tired of saying
• 1:11:36
  the word narcissist? And I said, wait, I, I, I guess
• 1:11:40
  I probably do, but it's, it's something that comes out of my
• 1:11:43
  like, I really want, I really want to help people because I
• 1:11:48
  know how I was so lost. I think you were probably.
• 1:11:55
  So when I started working with you, I, or when I, I think I
• 1:11:59
  coached with you a few times and then one time I, I think I like
• 1:12:02
  got a plate and I lost upon that lost on that time.
• 1:12:05
  And I just remember thinking like, I would ask you like, is
• 1:12:08
  he going to contact me? Do you think he's going to
• 1:12:12
  contact me? I get that question all the
• 1:12:14
  time. And I'm like, but is it?
• 1:12:16
  Is it because he loves you? No.
• 1:12:18
  So it's almost like a soothing thing, you know?
• 1:12:21
  And but I remember you were the only one that kept us straight.
• 1:12:25
  And don't stop doing that because people need to hear the
• 1:12:28
  reality. We're living it.
• 1:12:30
  We're mesmerizing our own mind by thinking no, no, it's not
• 1:12:33
  that bad. Yeah, it's just like, well,
• 1:12:36
  maybe it'll get better or if it is that bad, maybe he can get
• 1:12:39
  better because he did say he loved me, right?
• 1:12:41
  He did say he was sorry or he just didn't mean before to go
• 1:12:44
  that far or whatever the case may be.
• 1:12:45
  And people do ask me that question a lot.
• 1:12:47
  Just like he's going to. You think they reach out to me
• 1:12:49
  again and I just like, yeah, probably is.
• 1:12:51
  I would and my, would I be reaching out because I loved you
• 1:12:54
  and cared about you? Probably not, right?
• 1:12:56
  Because like I'm trying to pacify the situation or trying
• 1:12:59
  to make sure or verify that I still have some, some type of
• 1:13:02
  access to you and some not. People like, okay, cool.
• 1:13:05
  And it says they, I'm like, he reaches out to because he loves
• 1:13:08
  you and he cares. He's going to change.
• 1:13:09
  Like, I'm not going to say that to you, 'cause I don't believe
• 1:13:12
  it to be to be true, you know, Because no, very rarely are they
• 1:13:16
  going to change their behavior. If things got worse, when he
• 1:13:19
  would reach out and I would give him because now he like like he
• 1:13:22
  said it. He's like, well, if I'm so bad,
• 1:13:24
  then why do you respond? I mean, he said it, you know,
• 1:13:28
  but you know, they the I still have a lot of and I don't know
• 1:13:33
  that this is a lifetime of work. You know you, you.
• 1:13:37
  I know who I am now. I know what I stand for.
• 1:13:39
  But I think there's still that, like, part of you that is like,
• 1:13:43
  am I good enough? Am I really good enough?
• 1:13:47
  Like who am I really measuring? Who am I trying to be good
• 1:13:50
  enough for? Because if I'm not good enough
• 1:13:53
  for myself and I'm not good enough for anybody for myself,
• 1:13:56
  like it's in my head because he told me profusely, like, you're
• 1:14:00
  no good, you're old, no one's going to want you.
• 1:14:03
  You're ugly, you're fat. You know, you, you're, you have
• 1:14:07
  hypothyroid like your hands are off like everything.
• 1:14:11
  He just listed it all, so no. One's going to want you but me,
• 1:14:15
  you see what I'm saying is it? Which is kind of insane when you
• 1:14:18
  break down the nitty gritty like, but you want me.
• 1:14:20
  Why don't you leave me alone? You see what I'm saying?
• 1:14:21
  It's just like no one's exactly no one's going to want you
• 1:14:25
  except for me. So you just deal with this.
• 1:14:27
  Deal with it doesn't get better out there I promise you, but
• 1:14:30
  they evil is shit and you something saying and that's the
• 1:14:32
  way ends up going for this this like you same people with their
• 1:14:36
  personality dynamic. It's crazy.
• 1:14:40
  It is, it is So is there any parting words you want to share
• 1:14:43
  with the folks before we have to have off this thing today?
• 1:14:46
  If you're in a situation where you don't know what you feel in
• 1:14:50
  a relationship, get out. If you keep breaking up and
• 1:14:56
  getting back together, get out. It doesn't get any better.
• 1:15:00
  Or we want the highs and the lows.
• 1:15:02
  And of course, if he puts his hands on you, leave immediately.
• 1:15:07
  You have to. No one's going to rescue you
• 1:15:10
  from these relationships, but someone will help you.
• 1:15:12
  Someone will be your pillar of strength.
• 1:15:14
  When you have no strength, you can do it.
• 1:15:18
  And of course, this man will not.
• 1:15:22
  He will tell it to you the way it is.
• 1:15:24
  So if you need to be told the way that it is, reach out to
• 1:15:28
  him. And of course I'm a coach too,
• 1:15:29
  but I can't compare to Lee because.
• 1:15:32
  You have your own niche. I have my, you have yours.
• 1:15:34
  I promise you, you, you can help people in ways that I can't
• 1:15:36
  reach them, you know, so. I think that you, I think you're
• 1:15:41
  I, I hate to tell you, but people want to hear.
• 1:15:45
  People want to hear it from your ear, from your mouth.
• 1:15:47
  I did because I wanted to. I wanted to understand.
• 1:15:51
  I, I mean, even when I reached out to you the other day, like I
• 1:15:53
  want to understand, like why I still struggle with why not so
• 1:15:58
  much with that, but like the other situation.
• 1:16:00
  But every day is the work in progress to every day we get
• 1:16:03
  better, right? Every day get, every day get a
• 1:16:06
  little bit better. Like I said, it could like even
• 1:16:09
  for me on my own journey, it's a lifetime of healing, but it
• 1:16:11
  doesn't have to be like baggage. It can be, I'm going to be
• 1:16:15
  better tomorrow. You know, it's something it
• 1:16:16
  could be something to look forward to as opposed to like,
• 1:16:18
  oh, I got a heal, you know, just like I still have healing to do,
• 1:16:22
  damn it. But like it just like give
• 1:16:24
  yourself something to look forward to it because at the end
• 1:16:26
  of the day, the best version of you is the best version for the
• 1:16:29
  world. Going to help a lot of people.
• 1:16:31
  Awesome. Thank you so much for this.
• 1:16:33
  No. Problem.
• 1:16:34
  Thank you for hopping on and really appreciate.
• 1:16:36
  I'm going to like said, put your tags and stuff in the video so
• 1:16:39
  everybody can find you, book some sessions with you and just
• 1:16:42
  chat with you and follow you on also all social media platforms
• 1:16:45
  as well. So thank you so much for hopping
• 1:16:46
  on and sharing.