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Stronger Together: How to Support Your Partner While You Undergo Fertility Treatments · Love and Science Fertility

• 0:32
  Erica Bove, MD: Hello, my oves.
• 0:33
  Erica Bove, MD: Welcome back to the Love and Science podcast.
• 0:36
  Erica Bove, MD: This week we're going to talk about something that I get asked about all the time, which is how does a couple navigate this process right?
• 0:46
  Erica Bove, MD: Like I will say, the vast majority of my clients are female physicians with infertility.
• 0:52
  Erica Bove, MD: I also see women professionals as well, and many of them not all, but many of them are partnered and they say to me listen, like I am having a hard enough time with this process, but I'm trying to explain this to my partner, or I'm trying to ask for support, and it feels like we're on different planets.
• 1:12
  Erica Bove, MD: And how do we do that?
• 1:14
  Erica Bove, MD: Or sometimes it's like, well, now I've done multiple embryo transfers, we're not sure if this is going to work, and, you know, say it's a heteronormative relationship.
• 1:23
  Erica Bove, MD: My partner, my husband, he just he thinks we should stop wasting our money, in his words, and spend it on the things we've been deferring, like vacations or youations or other sort of nice life things that sometimes get put on hold because of this process.
• 1:39
  Erica Bove, MD: And so not only is this isolating enough in general, but when it drives a wedge with the people that we care about the most, then it's like okay, well, what practical strategies can we have to really get a handle on this to actually come together and like, okay, well, what practical strategies can we have to really get a handle on this to actually come together?
• 1:57
  Erica Bove, MD: And like I say, let's let it be me and them versus the problem, which is infertility, versus me versus you, right?
• 2:06
  Erica Bove, MD: I think it can feel like a war sometimes or a blame game, and so I've come up with five strategies that hopefully will help you, the woman who has a partner who's already struggling to navigate this, and to connect with your partner and to get a little bit more strength for the journey.
• 2:26
  Erica Bove, MD: So the first thing, the first thing I would say is just as you were having your own experience of this thing, I would say is, just as you are having your own experience of this, recognize that your partner is also having their own experience of this as well, and so that may be your husband, that may be your wife, that may even be your mother sometimes in these situations.
• 2:48
  Erica Bove, MD: But I think that sometimes we get so stuck in our own perspective that we forget that another person, even though they might be hearing the same words, even though they might be sort of signing up for the same cycle, right, and in signing the same consents, their experience of this process may be entirely different, right, their childhood was different than yours, their perspective on things might be different than yours, their understanding perhaps of medicine might be different than yours.
• 3:21
  Erica Bove, MD: And I will say I see this a lot of times in couples where one person, the primary patient, is medical, like a physician, and the spouse is perhaps non-medical, and so it's like how do I translate that in a way that makes sense?
• 3:35
  Erica Bove, MD: And so, really, it's to honor their experience and just to recognize that they may be going through different things than you, even if you are on this journey together.
• 3:48
  Erica Bove, MD: And then the next step is really to get curious about that.
• 3:51
  Erica Bove, MD: One of my favorite questions is to say what is it like to be you right now and then to just be quiet, right, like this is not about fixing, this is not about reassuring, this is not about you know, any sort of well, well, I suffer in this way.
• 4:06
  Erica Bove, MD: It's not like a suffering competition, it's truly just to get curious, to say like, hey, like you know, when we go to these appointments, like, how do you feel?
• 4:14
  Erica Bove, MD: Yeah, I will tell you, especially a lot of the men, but also, you know, in same-sex partnerships as well, there's this feeling of helplessness for the person who is not giving themselves the injections, not going to, you know, appointment after appointment for ultrasounds and such, and so really just try to say, like you know, I want to know what it's like to be you so that I can understand you better and you know.
• 4:38
  Erica Bove, MD: The next step, obviously after curiosity, is once you understand that person better, there's opportunities for connection.
• 4:44
  Erica Bove, MD: So really get curious and honor their separate experience and I would also speak in their language.
• 4:52
  Erica Bove, MD: You know, maybe they're an engineer, or maybe they're a cardiac surgeon, or maybe they're an artist, I don't know.
• 5:00
  Erica Bove, MD: But I always say, like you know, the way that I see the world is very influenced by all of the education I've been so grateful to have and the experiences I've had.
• 5:12
  Erica Bove, MD: And so, for instance, you know, I had a flood in my house.
• 5:15
  Erica Bove, MD: You know, maybe about a year and a half ago, right, and I was just like a deer in headlights.
• 5:20
  Erica Bove, MD: But when somebody described it to me like an aorta, there's the aorta to the house and then there's all these different, you know, side side spin up branches.
• 5:30
  Erica Bove, MD: You know of the vasculature.
• 5:32
  Erica Bove, MD: I was like, okay, I see it, I understand what's going on.
• 5:36
  Erica Bove, MD: And then it sort of clicked.
• 5:37
  Erica Bove, MD: I'll even say I know lawyers and they're highly educated people, but when they step foot in a medical office they freeze because it's just not their comfort zone, right.
• 5:49
  Erica Bove, MD: And so if you can find a way to, if, say, they ask you for clarification about what's going on and you're sort of the translator, the mediator, like sort of look at it, like what's going to reach them, what sort of analogies might make sense?
• 6:03
  Erica Bove, MD: And even if you're in a doctor's office, say you're at a consultation together.
• 6:08
  Erica Bove, MD: I would even like double check for understanding, like pretend that this is somebody who speaks a foreign language, right.
• 6:15
  Erica Bove, MD: And so when I'm with a couple that speaks a foreign language, I'm always checking for understanding, right.
• 6:22
  Erica Bove, MD: I'm like, okay, tell me in your own words what I just said, or what other questions do you have?
• 6:29
  Erica Bove, MD: I'm always making sure the loop is closed, because even if someone's nodding their head, making sure the loop is closed, because even if someone's nodding their head, they may not be absorbing it or assimilating it in a way that allows them to understand and then make informed choices.
• 6:43
  Erica Bove, MD: And so you know, I think one thing that may happen is that you know, say you're a physician patient listening to this podcast and your partner's non-medical, it is entirely possible that your REI, recognizing that you're in medicine, may actually speak to you in doctor, speak right.
• 7:00
  Erica Bove, MD: They may use terminology, they may use expressions or acronyms that you know, maybe you understand, maybe you may not understand, because it's such a sort of branch area of medicine, but you know the conversation may take a different level than it would you know.
• 7:15
  Erica Bove, MD: Sort of a consult of medicine.
• 7:15
  Erica Bove, MD: But you know the conversation may take a different level than it would you know sort of a consult without somebody with that background.
• 7:19
  Erica Bove, MD: But if you have different backgrounds, you know slow the process down.
• 7:24
  Erica Bove, MD: Your REI is truly there to answer your questions and help you make an empowered choice and so really in in, like on the spot, like in real time, just sort of say hey, like you know, does that make sense to you or do you want to ask any more questions about this?
• 7:39
  Erica Bove, MD: Because this is very complicated.
• 7:40
  Erica Bove, MD: I have questions too.
• 7:41
  Erica Bove, MD: I think those sorts of interactions they give back the agency, they slow the process down and it really makes sure that everybody is speaking the same language and that everybody's on the same page.
• 7:53
  Erica Bove, MD: So that's sort of my suggestion If partners have different backgrounds and you know, one person is just completely lost and the other person isn't.
• 8:03
  Erica Bove, MD: I mean, I've even seen this in surgeons, you know, like I said, like you asked me something about a cardiac ICU, I'm not going to be able to give you the answer because I'm so far removed from that in my practice right, and we all have to rely on each other.
• 8:15
  Erica Bove, MD: So, even in the context of appointments where even maybe both spouses are medical, we can never assume that the message is being translated.
• 8:26
  Erica Bove, MD: And so I think when people, really when we close that loop and we make sure that there is understanding, that that just sort of makes people feel a little bit less powerless in those situations.
• 8:39
  Erica Bove, MD: Okay, so my second suggestion for partners who are navigating this process, especially if there's differences in opinion about what the next right thing is right, what your next steps are going to be, in the process, I always encourage people to zoom out right and I always say people would have never married each other if they didn't have anything in common or if they didn't have a shared vision.
• 9:04
  Erica Bove, MD: And I will say, not everybody talks about their family building plans before they get married, but most people do right, and so if having a large family was something that you dreamed about together before you got married, or even if having one child was part of that vision and it doesn't look like it's happening very quickly, or that the journey got a little bit longer and one person wants to stop the process, I would just zoom out right, because we can get so sort of mired in the details and the finances and the you know, just sort of like minutiae of all the.
• 9:41
  Erica Bove, MD: Do we do genetic testing?
• 9:42
  Erica Bove, MD: Do we not do genetic testing?
• 9:44
  Erica Bove, MD: Do we know the sex of the embryos?
• 9:45
  Erica Bove, MD: Do we not Like?
• 9:46
  Erica Bove, MD: It just becomes so fraught with the things that really don't even matter in the big scheme of things, right, that really don't even matter in the big scheme of things, right, we kind of lose the forest for the trees.
• 9:58
  Erica Bove, MD: And so, you know, taking a step back, reconnecting with that vision together, right, reconnecting with the shared values of why you even want to be parents in the first place.
• 10:08
  Erica Bove, MD: I think that's especially important as difficult decisions need to be made because, again, it's not, you know, me versus you at that point, it's really us versus the problem.
• 10:21
  Erica Bove, MD: And how are we going to navigate this?
• 10:24
  Erica Bove, MD: You know, I had a conversation with a lovely surgeon yesterday who has gone through many years of infertility treatment, and what she said was you know, this fertility process is happening for me, right, it's not against me, it's happening for me.
• 10:38
  Erica Bove, MD: And so how can we look at that way as an opportunity for growth, as an opportunity for connection Not that anybody would ever choose it, but just to kind of shift the perspective to say you know, I think we have a lot more in common here than we realize.
• 10:53
  Erica Bove, MD: And let's come back to that vision, because, as I say with my clients, when we can really connect with our deepest, why, like, why are we here?
• 11:01
  Erica Bove, MD: Why do we want to build a family?
• 11:03
  Erica Bove, MD: What is that?
• 11:04
  Erica Bove, MD: That then becomes the motivation for our decisions.
• 11:08
  Erica Bove, MD: And then, when we can use our values as a filter for those decisions, then we can make sure that we are in alignment and that we're making choices that are not abandoning ourselves but are actually acting for our highest good.
• 11:22
  Erica Bove, MD: And so I just love that suggestion, because it's so easy to get stuck in the small things, but when we zoom out we can really connect with our identity, connect with our values and sort of the big picture of why we're here.
• 11:37
  Erica Bove, MD: My third suggestion, which is kind of alongside the second suggestion.
• 11:41
  Erica Bove, MD: Actually, this is all on my side, or oh, it's my fault, or oh it's it's your fault.
• 12:07
  Erica Bove, MD: I like to quote Anita Franco, who has this actually line in one of her songs that says blame is much too messy, it's bound to get on me, as I'm trying to put it on you, right?
• 12:20
  Erica Bove, MD: Or something similar.
• 12:20
  Erica Bove, MD: And so I think about that.
• 12:29
  Erica Bove, MD: Blame does not help anybody or anything.
• 12:31
  Erica Bove, MD: It creates that sort of me versus you mentality and I don't know about you, but when I'm blamed for something, even if I'm not responsible for that thing, I start to get defensive, I start to shut down.
• 12:39
  Erica Bove, MD: Maybe my fight or flight reflexes start to kick.
• 12:39
  Erica Bove, MD: Defensive, I start to shut down, maybe my fight or flight reflexes start to kick in.
• 12:43
  Erica Bove, MD: And what happens then is then the frontal lobe goes offline.
• 12:46
  Erica Bove, MD: And when our frontal lobe goes offline, that's when we make really bad choices, because we're making decisions, we're reacting instead of responding, we're making fear-based decisions.
• 12:59
  Erica Bove, MD: And so if you are tempted to make that comment, or even if you're tempted to blame yourself because, let's be honest, blaming ourselves does nothing either Like let's walk away from the judgment.
• 13:08
  Erica Bove, MD: This is a judgment-free zone.
• 13:10
  Erica Bove, MD: Let's be as objective as possible.
• 13:12
  Erica Bove, MD: These are the facts, right?
• 13:14
  Erica Bove, MD: Oh, okay, you know there's a low sperm count, right?
• 13:17
  Erica Bove, MD: That is a very objective fact.
• 13:19
  Erica Bove, MD: Rather than saying, like you know, if you hadn't had that vasectomy and reversal so many years ago, like why couldn't you just make better choices?
• 13:28
  Erica Bove, MD: Like, again, very different scenario.
• 13:31
  Erica Bove, MD: And I think it just creates a space of love and the frontal lobe being online for higher decision-making power, and it also leaves room for self-compassion as well.
• 13:41
  Erica Bove, MD: So, no blame If you find yourself tempted, just remind yourself this is poison, it's not going to help us, it's only going to hurt us.
• 13:48
  Erica Bove, MD: And again, that self-blame that really does.
• 13:52
  Erica Bove, MD: It's more insidious, right, because it's not always as visible, sometimes it's even in our subconscious.
• 13:56
  Erica Bove, MD: But if you start to blame yourself, oh, I really should have done this years ago.
• 14:00
  Erica Bove, MD: Or oh, it's my weight, or oh, it's my you know all all these years I spent in training.
• 14:04
  Erica Bove, MD: You know it's my fault for wanting to be a doctor, all those things like just leave it at the door it does not help you, it does not help your partner, it does not help your relationship as you're navigating this together, all right.
• 14:16
  Erica Bove, MD: So the fourth thing I will say is, like I said, and you know the first thing where honor the other person's experience.
• 14:24
  Erica Bove, MD: Each person in this dyad of the relationship has needs, right?
• 14:30
  Erica Bove, MD: Maybe it's, you know, especially for men again, stereotype, but sometimes there's a reason for stereotypes.
• 14:36
  Erica Bove, MD: You know, oftentimes men really want and need to feel respected, and they also want and need to feel that they are in the driver's seat right and that they're not powerless in this situation.
• 14:47
  Erica Bove, MD: And so every single person who is undergoing anything hard has core needs.
• 14:54
  Erica Bove, MD: And if our needs are not addressed or met, that's when we can have very complex and sometimes confusing emotions and even anger.
• 15:04
  Erica Bove, MD: You know, one of the best definitions of anger I've ever heard is that it's truly just unmet needs, right?
• 15:10
  Erica Bove, MD: Like if we're hungry, if we're tired, if we're sleep deprived, if we're we've been on call for 28 hours and we know that there's no end in sight.
• 15:17
  Erica Bove, MD: Like all these things make us angry, make us irritable.
• 15:24
  Erica Bove, MD: And so, you know, one thing I really have learned through this coaching journey is that we have to start with the feelings, right?
• 15:28
  Erica Bove, MD: So like I feel hurt, I feel frustrated, I feel hopeless, I feel confused, like whatever those things are, and we never say I feel like, I feel like you don't care.
• 15:45
  Erica Bove, MD: That is totally a cop-out, right, we can never say I feel like, because then what happens after?
• 15:51
  Erica Bove, MD: That is never a feeling word and it's usually kind of putting it back on somebody else.
• 15:56
  Erica Bove, MD: So we're here, we're taking responsibility for our feelings, right, we encourage other people to do the same, and so we start with our feelings.
• 16:03
  Erica Bove, MD: When this happens, I feel X, I really need Y, and it might be as simple as like I feel really lonely, I need a hug.
• 16:37
  Erica Bove, MD: Can you give me a hug?
• 16:38
  Erica Bove, MD: Right, so hard to ask for a hug, but maybe there's like these tangible things, tangible things that that each person could ask for, right, you know, maybe it's like maybe a spouse will say you know, I feel like this.
• 16:52
  Erica Bove, MD: Sorry, I just said that I feel I feel suffocated, right, by this fertility journey, and I really need one night off where we just don't talk about anything related to this.
• 17:11
  Erica Bove, MD: Maybe we immerse ourselves in nature, maybe we go out to dinner and the fertility journey is off the table for topics.
• 17:18
  Erica Bove, MD: But I really need some mental peace, some freedom, some lightness in this relationship that's not colored by this journey.
• 17:27
  Erica Bove, MD: Right, and that's legitimate.
• 17:28
  Erica Bove, MD: But how would we know unless we asked and were curious about those things, so really understanding that there is usually a way for both people's needs to be met right.
• 17:40
  Erica Bove, MD: Maybe we have to let go of some things in the process, but each person has a core need.
• 17:46
  Erica Bove, MD: Maybe it's for connection and maybe it's for love, maybe it's for respect, maybe it's for some sort of agency or autonomy or decision, or maybe it's even a boundary.
• 17:56
  Erica Bove, MD: I only have the wherewithal for this for many cycles and then I really think we need to reevaluate things right.
• 18:02
  Erica Bove, MD: So we don't know until we explore those things, but just reminding ourselves that when our needs are not met we are not really our highest selves, right?
• 18:12
  Erica Bove, MD: We have to fully understand that if we ask for somebody else to try to meet our needs right, then sometimes that can go sideways.
• 18:19
  Erica Bove, MD: They might not be able to.
• 18:21
  Erica Bove, MD: Like I say in my coaching program, we always try to meet our needs first, as best as we can.
• 18:26
  Erica Bove, MD: We fill our well so that we are making requests.
• 18:29
  Erica Bove, MD: You know, at least 50% full, and I learned that from Dr Kavitha Sun.
• 18:32
  Erica Bove, MD: She's amazing, she does a lot of relationship work.
• 18:35
  Erica Bove, MD: So you know, if we are truly on empty and we make a request, you know we might sound desperate or blaming or controlling, because maybe we are desperate, right.
• 18:46
  Erica Bove, MD: We, just we are.
• 18:47
  Erica Bove, MD: Our well is so empty that we are starving, right, and so that request is going to come from a much different energetic space than if we were to meet our own needs first and then make that request.
• 18:58
  Erica Bove, MD: So really just honoring.
• 18:59
  Erica Bove, MD: Like you know, again tied to this question of what's it like to be you right now and what do you need and can we help each other in this process?
• 19:09
  Erica Bove, MD: Like you know, we all have our own personal responsibility, but maybe there's something super simple that each person can do to make each other feel a little bit more loved and supported, and unless we ask those kinds of questions, we're never going to get those sorts of answers.
• 19:24
  Erica Bove, MD: So that's really the fourth thing is figuring out each person's needs and making a plan for meeting them.
• 19:30
  Erica Bove, MD: And the fifth one I just love this one thing is figuring out each person's needs and making a plan for meeting them.
• 19:35
  Erica Bove, MD: And the fifth one I just love this one I think about power couples over time, and when you look at what they do, not just in their relationship but in the world, it's because they have leveraged each other's strengths and together they are much stronger than each person individually.
• 19:51
  Erica Bove, MD: I think about the Jones couple.
• 19:52
  Erica Bove, MD: If you don't know about them, they are much stronger than each person individually.
• 19:53
  Erica Bove, MD: I think about the Jones couple.
• 19:53
  Erica Bove, MD: If you don't know about them, they are fascinating.
• 19:55
  Erica Bove, MD: There's this wonderful book.
• 19:56
  Erica Bove, MD: It's actually gotten super expensive since Dr Jones passed away a few years ago.
• 20:01
  Erica Bove, MD: But he and his both of them, dr and Dr Jones they had this wonderful relationship and they basically brought IVF to the United States and he was the surgeon and she was the endocrinologist and they really worked it out in a way that I don't think IVF would be nearly where it is right now without their synergy, without their beautiful relationship.
• 20:26
  Erica Bove, MD: So what I'm trying to say is that you married your spouse for a reason.
• 20:31
  Erica Bove, MD: They married you for a reason.
• 20:32
  Erica Bove, MD: Most people do not marry themselves right, thank goodness.
• 20:35
  Erica Bove, MD: I would say I could never marry myself right Even.
• 20:38
  Erica Bove, MD: I believe in my strengths, I believe in what I have to offer, but I would not be good with somebody who was exactly a carbon copy of myself.
• 20:45
  Erica Bove, MD: We need people who are a little different.
• 20:47
  Erica Bove, MD: We need people who sort of make up for our lacks, you know, and we, you know, amplify their lacks with our strengths.
• 20:56
  Erica Bove, MD: Like this is.
• 20:57
  Erica Bove, MD: There's this complementarity in very strong relationships that exists for a reason, and so sometimes we focus way too much on our weaknesses or what we're not doing well.
• 21:08
  Erica Bove, MD: Or oftentimes I hear this all the time, you know, if my partner partner only did X, z like, we focus on what they're not doing Right, cause it makes us feel better to place blame on whatever it is and a I will raise my hands in relationships I have done this, you know, not infrequently like oh, it's their fault that X, y, z is happening.
• 21:27
  Erica Bove, MD: It's human nature.
• 21:29
  Erica Bove, MD: But the point is again, zoom out, identify each other's strengths right, and maybe even some of like where things are hard, and say, okay, you're really organized.
• 21:40
  Erica Bove, MD: Like you keep the spreadsheet right, like would you be willing to take on that role?
• 21:45
  Erica Bove, MD: Or maybe, like somebody who's a really good note taker, could you please take the notes at the medical appointments, because you know it's really not my super strength and it's really great to have those notes later.
• 21:55
  Erica Bove, MD: Or maybe somebody is really good at like discipline and rituals and every single night during an IVF cycle you light a candle for five minutes for, hopefully that a soul will come into this world, like, whatever it is.
• 22:08
  Erica Bove, MD: You know, maybe somebody is a very good listener and, and you know, you create space in your weeks for for venting and and just just sort of sharing, right, because that's their ninja strength is is listening.
• 22:20
  Erica Bove, MD: We could talk forever about what the possibilities are, because they truly are endless, but really, again, like in this process, often we focus on, you know, our weaknesses and instead I really think we need to be focusing on each other's strengths and and and leveraging those together.
• 22:39
  Erica Bove, MD: I also do think that, you know, one person alone cannot be your primary support person, right, like this is why I created love and science, the community, this is why we lean on each other, so that, you know, some spouses just feel so much pressure, like, oh my gosh, like she's always sad, she's always anxious, like I don't know how to help her.
• 22:56
  Erica Bove, MD: So if we spread it out, spread out all those things, you know, sometimes it's, it's it's less hard for one person to meet all those needs, right, and it's actually healthier.
• 23:05
  Erica Bove, MD: But if we think about it, you know, if we can say, okay, you're excellent at this, you know, could you do this?
• 23:11
  Erica Bove, MD: You know you're really good at that.
• 23:13
  Erica Bove, MD: Can you get on the phone and negotiate with the, with the insurance company or the pharmacy, or whatever it is, because you, you, you know, maybe you're a litigator and your spouse is a litigator and they're really good at those things.
• 23:22
  Erica Bove, MD: I don't know.
• 23:23
  Erica Bove, MD: All I know is it takes lots of skills to navigate this process and, inherently, some people are better at certain things than others, and so why not celebrate those things and honor them, rather than get mired and like, oh my gosh, I can't believe you didn't do X, y, z, like you're so unorganized, you're so you know, you must not care about this process.
• 23:41
  Erica Bove, MD: On and on and on all the things, all the stories we create that do not serve us whatsoever.
• 23:46
  Erica Bove, MD: And so I'm going to recap this and then give you kind of a bonus of something I think is really important.
• 23:52
  Erica Bove, MD: So the first is, you know, as you are a couple navigating this experience and again, I understand, not everybody's partnered, but this podcast episode is really specifically for partnered people or people who have like a primary person that they rely on, like a mom or a friend or such.
• 24:08
  Erica Bove, MD: So the first suggestion I have is really to honor that the other person is having their own experience of this process and to get as curious as possible to understand what it's truly like to be them really and listening and not fixing.
• 24:20
  Erica Bove, MD: My second suggestion is to zoom out and to remember the shared values, the shared vision and then to use that, those commonalities, to make some you know decisions together.
• 24:33
  Erica Bove, MD: My third recommendation is to keep this a blame-free zone, a judgment-free zone, just because that negativity really just can be so insidious and poisonous.
• 24:43
  Erica Bove, MD: My fourth suggestion is to figure out each person's needs and to make a plan for meeting them.
• 24:49
  Erica Bove, MD: And my fifth suggestion is to really leverage each other's strengths in this process, because it does take a lot, especially for the partners, whether female or male, who just feel like they don't have a role right.
• 25:02
  Erica Bove, MD: They feel helpless, like giving them a job that's actually going to move this forward, gives them some purpose, gives them some agency, and maybe maybe it even is like taking on more home chores that usually the other person does.
• 25:13
  Erica Bove, MD: Whatever it is like.
• 25:14
  Erica Bove, MD: This is all hands on deck, this is all in.
• 25:17
  Erica Bove, MD: This is a team, right?
• 25:19
  Erica Bove, MD: This is a, this is a couple navigating this process, and I've really seen as as many times as I've seen this process really destroy relationships.
• 25:27
  Erica Bove, MD: I've actually seen in these beautiful examples where it can actually make the relationship much stronger, and it does take vulnerability, of course, like we've been talking about throughout this whole episode, but it's one of those hard things that's really worth it.
• 25:42
  Erica Bove, MD: So the last bonus thing I will share is that I think that gratitude and appreciation go a really long way, and so you know, as you're going about your days, you know maybe your spouse does a really good job getting to your appointment and hits all the green lights and you know you get to your ultrasound in the morning on time.
• 25:57
  Erica Bove, MD: Or maybe you know, maybe they give you a massage the night before your egg retrieval and it's just like so amazing and it makes you feel good and makes you feel really loved and supported.
• 26:06
  Erica Bove, MD: Maybe they make you your favorite foods as you're going through this process, because you know your eggs needed and they're a good cook and they really care about you.
• 26:14
  Erica Bove, MD: Whatever, it is like these small acts of kindness.
• 26:17
  Erica Bove, MD: So often we can get so mired in our own pain or our own frustration that we don't stop and express gratitude to the people who love us the most and who really actually are doing kind things for us.
• 26:30
  Erica Bove, MD: So you know, I think that in my own life I have a gratitude practice I've talked about that before on this podcast where I share three gratitudes a day with my best friend.
• 26:38
  Erica Bove, MD: It changes brain chemistry that we start looking for the things that are actually going well in our lives instead of not focusing on those things.
• 26:45
  Erica Bove, MD: And I would say, you know, take some of that energy and direct it towards your partner.
• 26:49
  Erica Bove, MD: Everybody loves to be appreciated.
• 26:55
  Erica Bove, MD: It's kind of like putting money in the bank right, um, that you can withdraw later if you need to, and it's just.
• 26:58
  Erica Bove, MD: It's sort of the lubrication that keeps relationships flowing smoothly and, um, you know, it's just a beautiful energy to have, uh, to be grateful for your partner, even if, even in the sea of feeling, maybe they did something that you're super upset about, or maybe you're on the different page about the next steps or whatever it is, but if they do something that's worthy of your appreciation and gratitude, just say it out loud.
• 27:21
  Erica Bove, MD: It makes such a difference and it's one of those counters, one of those sort of ways to buffer and build up the well in this experience that can be so very trying.
• 27:33
  Erica Bove, MD: So I hope you learned something today that really you can apply in the context of your particular journey.
• 27:38
  Erica Bove, MD: I'd love to hear about it on social media, so drop me a line and tell me what resonated and if this really did strike a chord with you and you're not yet working with me, do book a call to see if working together would be helpful to you and your journey.
• 27:52
  Erica Bove, MD: I love working with individuals, but I also love working with couples and really helping people get back on the same page to really be that team instead of being adversaries.
• 28:02
  Erica Bove, MD: So with that, you know I love you and I can't wait until the next time.
• 28:05
  Erica Bove, MD: Talk to you soon, my Loves, bye.