Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 210: 3 Ways You're Abandoning Yourself (And Calling it "Nice")

Transcript

210: 3 Ways You're Abandoning Yourself (And Calling it "Nice") · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Speaker: Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  Speaker: My name is MaryAnn Walker and I help highly sensitive people and recovering people.
• 0:26
  Speaker: Pleasers learn how to take up space without abandoning themselves.
• 0:31
  Speaker: So often I hear people talk about how they just wanna be nice, or they're just doing the right thing, or I'm just doing what's expected of me and they feel like these things are making them a good human.
• 0:41
  Speaker: But underneath it all, they're feeling exhausted.
• 0:44
  Speaker: They're feeling unseen, and they might even be feeling resentful when they feel like they're being asked to run faster than they have strength or being asked to bite off more than they can chew or abandon their own priorities so they can better prioritize the priorities of others.
• 0:59
  Speaker: But here's the complicated truth is not everything that we call kindness is actually kind.
• 1:05
  Speaker: And when kindness comes at the cost of ourselves, it's actually self abandonment.
• 1:10
  Speaker: I used to truly believe that if there was any possible way that I could do something for somebody, it meant that I should do that something for somebody.
• 1:17
  Speaker: I used to believe that other people's needs were more important than my own.
• 1:21
  Speaker: That saying no would be a significant inconvenience to the other person and inconveniencing somebody...
• 1:27
  Speaker: that was the worst thing that you could do.
• 1:28
  Speaker: And so I would constantly inconvenience myself in the name of being Nice and yeah, a lot of the time I actually enjoyed it.
• 1:36
  Speaker: I think that I speak for a lot of highly sensitive people when I say that, seeing other people happy and knowing that I did something to contribute to their happiness, it really does make me happy.
• 1:46
  Speaker: I feel their joy and it feels amazing.
• 1:49
  Speaker: And also there were seasons in my life where my needs were probably more significant than I let on.
• 1:56
  Speaker: But because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone because that's the worst thing ever, right?
• 2:00
  Speaker: I kept quiet.
• 2:02
  Speaker: I kept serving, I kept showing up, and I didn't share the very human fact that, Hey, guess what?
• 2:07
  Speaker: I also have needs, and I would like for my needs to be met too.
• 2:11
  Speaker: And the funny thing about serving people is that the people who say yes most often are the people who get asked to help most often.
• 2:19
  Speaker: And so this might be friends or family or coworkers.
• 2:22
  Speaker: It might be at home or at work, or at church, or at play.
• 2:24
  Speaker: But it seems to be a universal truth that those who say yes most often are asked to help out most often.
• 2:31
  Speaker: And this makes sense because really I want you to think about how funny it is that you feel when you ask somebody for help, when you need it.
• 2:36
  Speaker: And when somebody says yes, and they act like it's no big deal, you instantly feel like your burden has been lifted.
• 2:42
  Speaker: And the same is true for other people.
• 2:44
  Speaker: It's also true that other people, they don't like being told no.
• 2:46
  Speaker: It's uncomfortable to put yourself out there and to be told no.
• 2:49
  Speaker: And so if somebody tells them no enough times, they're gonna feel uncomfortable asking them, right?
• 2:53
  Speaker: So you are their saving grace every time that you say yes.
• 2:57
  Speaker: And also sometimes saying no is the best thing that you can do for a relationship.
• 3:03
  Speaker: It encourages other people to become more self-reliant.
• 3:05
  Speaker: It can help to prevent burnout for the one who's always showing up, and it can help to share the load and give other people an opportunity to show up in love and in service.
• 3:14
  Speaker: The world is full of yeses and nos, and anytime that you say yes to one thing, you are also at the exact same time saying no to something else.
• 3:25
  Speaker: The goal isn't always to say yes, that would be absolutely impossible, right?
• 3:29
  Speaker: Because for example, if I say yes to helping somebody in the middle of the night, I'm saying no to sleep, right?
• 3:34
  Speaker: There's always a yes and a no that is simultaneously linked.
• 3:37
  Speaker: So the goal is not to always say yes, that's impossible.
• 3:40
  Speaker: The goal is simply to become more aware of what it is that you're saying yes to and what it is that you're saying no to, so that you can become more conscious of what is creating imbalance, burnout, and resentment for you, so you can start saying yes to the things that will help to create more balance, sustainability, and connection for you in your relationships.
• 3:58
  Speaker: But before you start stating boundaries to create that sustainability, it is really important to look at all of the ways that you're just being nice, but really you're actually self abandoning because no health or relationship can be sustained by self abandonment.
• 4:12
  Speaker: And I want you to notice, I said, no healthy relationship can be sustained by that because yeah, you may be able to keep people around by self-sacrificing, by never saying no by burning yourself out, but it won't attract the kinds of relationships that help you to light it from the inside and help you to feel nourished as well.
• 4:32
  Speaker: The most important relationship you'll ever have is the relationship that you have with yourself.
• 4:37
  Speaker: So I'm not saying that you can never say yes to other people, but I am suggesting that you start increasing the number of times that you can say yes to yourself.
• 4:46
  Speaker: So today let's talk about three ways that you might be being nice on the surface, but you're actually choosing to abandon yourself in relationship.
• 4:53
  Speaker: So number one is saying yes when you want to say no.
• 4:57
  Speaker: Every time that you say yes, when you want to say no, you are reinforcing your internal programming with the belief that guess what?
• 5:03
  Speaker: My needs don't matter.
• 5:04
  Speaker: Other people's wants and needs are more important than mine.
• 5:07
  Speaker: And this can be sneaky, so it might look like agreeing to plans when you're exhausted and you just wanna have a night alone, it might look like saying yes to helping somebody when your schedule is already so full.
• 5:18
  Speaker: Or it might look like rescheduling your appointments to accommodate someone else's appointment.
• 5:22
  Speaker: Or it might look like letting somebody vent to you for an hour or more when you don't actually have the emotional capacity in that moment.
• 5:28
  Speaker: And you could use a listening ear yourself.
• 5:31
  Speaker: And let's be honest, it makes a lot of sense why you do this.
• 5:34
  Speaker: More than likely, you're trying to avoid feeling guilty.
• 5:36
  Speaker: You're trying to avoid potential rejection or seeing somebody else express disappointment on their face.
• 5:42
  Speaker: So you choose to prioritize their comfort over your own.
• 5:46
  Speaker: And yeah, it is okay to do this every now and then when there is a significant need.
• 5:51
  Speaker: But when this becomes your default setting to minimize your own needs, while maximizing their needs, then it can have a significant emotional impact.
• 5:59
  Speaker: It can build resentment, it can create burnout, and it disconnects you from your own needs.
• 6:05
  Speaker: In fact, many recovering people pleasers, they come to me because they've forgotten what their voice sounds like altogether.
• 6:10
  Speaker: They simply need a safe place to explore their options free of other people's opinions.
• 6:16
  Speaker: So yes, your current default setting might be to say yes when you want to say no, but I want to remind you how much discomfort that is creating for you.
• 6:28
  Speaker: So while you think that saying Yes will eliminate discomfort, then yeah, it might eliminate the discomfort in that exact moment because then you don't have to see them be disappointed.
• 6:37
  Speaker: But over time it can wear you down.
• 6:40
  Speaker: Saying, no, it isn't mean, it's honest.
• 6:44
  Speaker: And it's okay to say things like, I wish I could help, but I'm unavailable at that time.
• 6:48
  Speaker: Or, I'm sorry, I'm just not in the head space where I can take that on right now.
• 6:52
  Speaker: Or simply, you know what, I can't.
• 6:54
  Speaker: But I hope that you find someone that can.
• 6:57
  Speaker: Remember that a clean no is kinder than a resentful yes.
• 7:02
  Speaker: And you are allowed to honor your capacity.
• 7:06
  Speaker: Yeah, even if it disappoints someone.
• 7:09
  Speaker: All right.
• 7:09
  Speaker: The second thing that you might think is nice, but it's actually self abandonment, is avoiding hard conversations to keep the peace and yeah, we've all been there, right?
• 7:18
  Speaker: You've recognized that something isn't working for you in a relationship and you want to speak up and give voice to it.
• 7:23
  Speaker: So maybe it's letting'em know that their actions have harmed you in some way.
• 7:26
  Speaker: Maybe it's making a request for connection.
• 7:28
  Speaker: Maybe it's simply letting them know that you have a preference and you would like to make a request in relationship.
• 7:34
  Speaker: But that thought of following through on saying the thing, it just feels so uncomfortable and your brain wants to interpret that discomfort as conflict and rejection.
• 7:45
  Speaker: So then you silence yourself in an effort to keep the peace before you've even said a word or made a request.
• 7:52
  Speaker: But really listen to me closely.
• 7:55
  Speaker: Avoiding conflict doesn't create peace, it just delays the discomfort a little bit longer.
• 8:03
  Speaker: But that discomfort...
• 8:05
  Speaker: it never actually goes away.
• 8:07
  Speaker: So this might look like not telling your partner that something bothered you.
• 8:11
  Speaker: It might look like letting a friend or a romantic partner cross your boundary and just say nothing at all.
• 8:17
  Speaker: It might look like staying quiet at work when something fills off, or not reinforcing your home boundary with your teenager because you don't wanna set them off.
• 8:26
  Speaker: But what's really happening for you is you're trying to maintain connection.
• 8:30
  Speaker: By avoiding discomfort, maybe even want to believe that doing so will create some self-reflection for them, and that they'll think about, oh, well, what is it that they might need in return?
• 8:39
  Speaker: Right?
• 8:39
  Speaker: Maybe you're telling yourself that a dishonest silence is preferable to an honest and authentic relationship.
• 8:46
  Speaker: And maybe this is coming from a fear of abandonment, a fear that if I speak up, then they will leave.
• 8:52
  Speaker: But if having needs is what breaks the relationship...
• 8:56
  Speaker: is that really a relationship we're sacrificing yourself for?
• 9:01
  Speaker: Avoiding having tough conversations...
• 9:03
  Speaker: it contributes significantly towards resentment, emotional and physical disconnect, and feeling unseen and unheard in relationship because you're hiding and not speaking up.
• 9:16
  Speaker: Silence doesn't protect your relationship.
• 9:19
  Speaker: It slowly erodes it.
• 9:22
  Speaker: Hard conversations are an act of investment into the relationship, not the destruction of it, and being willing to authentically share your truth.
• 9:31
  Speaker: It helps to create those opportunities for real, genuine connection versus silent performing.
• 9:37
  Speaker: It is possible to care about your relationship and to still speak honestly.
• 9:43
  Speaker: And if you need help finding the courage to speak up or finding the words that you wanna say, then please come and work with me because you are someone who is worthy of being seen and heard.
• 9:53
  Speaker: All right, the third way that you might be self abandoning in the name of being nice is believing that being easy to love means asking for less.
• 10:01
  Speaker: Okay.
• 10:02
  Speaker: Shrinking yourself doesn't create love.
• 10:05
  Speaker: Okay?
• 10:05
  Speaker: It creates performance.
• 10:07
  Speaker: So saying, I'm fine when you're not fine or downplaying your needs so that you don't feel like you're too much, or being the low maintenance partner or friend that never has any needs...
• 10:17
  Speaker: it kind of creates these one directional caretaking relationships.
• 10:20
  Speaker: It does not help to create mutually caring and fulfilling relationships.
• 10:24
  Speaker: More than likely, if this is you, then over time you've learned that in order to be chosen, then you need to be easy.
• 10:30
  Speaker: So you suppress your needs.
• 10:32
  Speaker: You never give voice to your preferences.
• 10:34
  Speaker: You never express how it is that you are really feeling.
• 10:37
  Speaker: And what's really interesting for me to observe as a coach is that when somebody has the belief that they must be accommodating, that they must silence themselves and not have any needs in relationship, then that performative mask.
• 10:49
  Speaker: It eventually crumbles, and this might look like somebody absolutely breaking down during a time that appears to everybody else to just be a perfectly fine situation.
• 10:57
  Speaker: They might even have a smile on their face, but their eyes are filling up with tears and their eyes are telling a different story.
• 11:04
  Speaker: They're feeling lost, unseen, they're feeling unfulfilled, and they're desperately hoping that somebody will see them.
• 11:12
  Speaker: That they'll hold them, that they'll support them in the way that they have supported others countless times before.
• 11:19
  Speaker: They believe that being silent and being easy will lead to that connection, and it might for a while, but over time then they start to feel even more unseen.
• 11:29
  Speaker: And they seem to attract connections that don't fully meet them where it is that they're at, that don't fulfill their needs, and then they start to lose their sense of self over time.
• 11:39
  Speaker: The hard truth is that you can be chosen for who it is that you pretend to be, but when it comes through that lens of pretending, then you're still going to feel alone.
• 11:50
  Speaker: Real connection.
• 11:51
  Speaker: It requires vulnerability.
• 11:52
  Speaker: It requires visibility, authenticity, and using your own unique voice.
• 11:58
  Speaker: And this is where it's important to identify the distinction between acceptance and belonging.
• 12:02
  Speaker: Because you may find acceptance through shrinking yourself, but true belonging comes from being willing to let yourself your wants and your needs actually be seen.
• 12:13
  Speaker: Having needs in a relationship, it doesn't make you difficult, it makes you human.
• 12:18
  Speaker: So just to recap, the three common ways that you might be self abandoning are saying yes when you want to say no.
• 12:24
  Speaker: Avoiding having the hard conversations to keep the peace and believing that asking for less and minimizing your own needs is the only way to earn love.
• 12:33
  Speaker: These patterns and beliefs, they aren't random.
• 12:36
  Speaker: They were learned at some point.
• 12:38
  Speaker: Then self abandonment, it felt like the safest way to stay connected, to avoid rejection and to feel loved.
• 12:43
  Speaker: So of course, you have adopted those patterns.
• 12:46
  Speaker: And also you don't have to keep living that way.
• 12:50
  Speaker: You can be kind and honest.
• 12:54
  Speaker: You can be loving and have boundaries.
• 12:57
  Speaker: You can be connected without abandoning yourself.
• 13:01
  Speaker: So if something inside of you is feeling really tired right now, tired of overgiving, tired of overthinking, tired of feeling unseen and unheard, that's not a sign that anything is wrong with you.
• 13:11
  Speaker: It's just a sign that you're now ready to create some change for yourself, and maybe that change comes through picking one goal for this week, like starting to notice where it is that you're saying yes, when you wish that you'd said no, or maybe you want to identify one conversation that you've been avoiding and actually have that conversation.
• 13:27
  Speaker: Maybe it's sharing one honest need or preference that you have in a relationship without minimizing it to make your relationship more sustainable for you as an over giver.
• 13:36
  Speaker: But pick one change and implement it.
• 13:39
  Speaker: And of course, if you would like help and support making these changes, reach out.
• 13:42
  Speaker: I would love to support you.
• 13:44
  Speaker: With me being next month.
• 13:45
  Speaker: I am currently filling out my summer calendar, but I would love to have you on it.
• 13:49
  Speaker: You can click the link in the show notes, or you can email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life to inquire about my current availability.
• 13:55
  Speaker: But space is limited for my summer hours, and so let me know as soon as possible if you're ready to create real lasting change.
• 14:02
  Speaker: If you're ready to experience more real and authentic connection, and if you're ready for real lasting peace, rather than feeling like you have to walk on eggshells just to maintain relationship.
• 14:14
  Speaker: You can experience peace while also getting your needs met, and I can show you how.
• 14:20
  Speaker: All right, I look forward to working with you and I hope you have a great week.
• 14:23
  Speaker: Talk to you soon.
• 14:23
  Speaker: Bye now.