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06 - Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll · Adventure Books Collection

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  Chapter six, Pig and Pepper. For a minute or two she stood looking
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  at the house and wondering what to do next, when suddenly a footman in
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  livery came running out of the wood. She considered a footman because he was
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  in Livery, Otherwise, judging by his face only, she would have called
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  him a fish, and rapped loudly at the door with his knuckles. It
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  was opened by another footman in Livery, with a round face in large eyes
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  like a frog, and both footmen, Alice noticed, had powdered hair and
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  curls all over their head. She felt very curious to know what it was
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  all about, and crept a little way out of the wood to listen.
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  The fish footman began by producing from under his arm a great letter, nearly
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  as large as himself, and this he handed over to the other, saying,
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  in a solemn tone, for the Duchess an invitation from the Queen to
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  play croquet. The frog footman repeated, in the same solemn tone, only
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  changing the order of the words a little, from the Queen an invitation for
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  the duchess to play croquet. Then they both bowed, and their curls got
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  entangled together. Alice laught so much as that she had to run back into
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  the wood for fear of their hearing her. And when she next peeped out,
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  the fish footman was gone, and the other was sitting on the ground
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  near the door, staring stupidly up into the sky. Alice went timidly up
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  to the door and knocked. There's no sort of use in knocking, said
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  the footman, and that for two reasons. First because I'm on the same
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  side of the door as you. Secondly, because they are making such a
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  noise inside that no one could possibly hear you. And certainly there was a
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  most extraordinary noise going on within, a constant howling and sneezing, and every
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  now and then a great crash, as if a dish or a kettle had
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  been broken to pieces. Please, then, said Alice, how am I
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  to get in? There might be some sense in your knocking, The footman
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  went on, without attending to her, if we had a door between us,
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  for instance, if you were inside, you might knock and I could
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  let you out. You know, he was looking up into the sky all
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  the time he was speaking. And this, Alice thought, decidedly and civil.
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  But perhaps he can't help it. She said to herself. His eyes
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  are so very nearly at the top of his head. But at any rate
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  he might answer questions, How am I to get in? She repeat aloud.
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  I shall sit here, the footman remarked, till tomorrow. At this
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  moment, the door of the house opened, and a large plate came skimming
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  out straight for the footman's head. It just grazed his nose and broke to
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  pieces against one of the trees behind him. Or next day maybe, The
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  footman continued in the same tone, exactly as if nothing had happened. How
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  am I to get in? Asked Alice in a louder tone. Are you
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  to get in at all? Said the footman, that's the first question,
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  you know, It was no doubt. Only Alice did not like to be
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  told. So it's really dreadful, she muttered to herself, the way all
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  these creatures argue. It's enough to drive one crazy. The footman seemed to
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  think this a good opportunity for repeating his remark with variations. I shall sit
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  here, he said, on and off for days and days. But what
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  am I to do, said Alice. Anything you like, said the footman,
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  and began whistling. Oh, there's no use in talking to him,
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  said Alice desperately. He's perfectly idiotic, and then opened the door and went
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  in. The door led right into a large kitchen which was full of smoke
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  from one end to the other. The Duchess was sitting on a three legged
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  stool in the middle, nursing a baby. The cook was leaning over the
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  fire, stirring a large caldron which seemed to be full of soup. There's
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  certainly too much pepper in that soup, Alice said to herself, as well
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  as she could for sneezing, there certainly was too much of it in the
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  air. Even the Duchess sneezed occasionally, and as for the baby, was
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  sneezing and howling alternately without a moment's pause. The only two creatures in the
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  kitchen that did not sneeze were the cook and the large cat, which was
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  laying on the hearth and grinning from ear to ear. Please, would you
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  tell me, said Alice, a little timidly, for she was not quite
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  sure whether it was good manners for her to speak. First, Why you
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  are cat grins like that? It's a cheshure cat, said the Duchess,
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  and that's why pig. She said the last word with such sudden violence that
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  Alice quite jumped, But she saw in another moment that it was addressed to
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  the baby and not to her, so she took courage and went on again.
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  I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned. In fact, I didn't
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  know that cats could grin They all can, said the Duchess, And most
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  of them do. I don't know any of that, do, said Alice,
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  very politely, feeling quite pleased to have gotten into a conversation. You
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  don't know much, said the Duchess, and that's a fact. Alice did
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  not like it all the tone of this remark, and thought it would be
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  as well to introduce some other subject of conversation. While she was trying to
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  fix on one, the cook took the caldron of soup off the fire and
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  at once set to work throwing everything within her reach at the Duchess and the
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  baby. The fire irons came first, then followed a shower of saucepans,
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  plates, and dishes. The Duchess took no notice of them even when they
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  hit her, and the baby was howling so much already that it was quite
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  impossible to say whether the blows hurt it or not. Oh please mind what
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  you're doing, cried Alex, jumping up and down an agony of terror.
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  Oh there goes as precious nose as an unusually large saucepan flew by, and
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  very nearly carried it off. If everybody minded their own business, this said
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  the Duchess in a horse growl. The world would go around a deal faster
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  than it does, which would not be an advantage, said Alice, who
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  felt very glad to get an opportunity of showing off a little of her knowledge.
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  Just think of what work it would make of her the day and night.
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  You see, the earth takes twenty four hours to turn around on its
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  axis. Talking of axis, said the Duchess, chop off her head.
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  Alice glanced rather anxiously at the cook to see if she meant to take the
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  hint, but the cook was busily stirring the soup and seemed not to be
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  listening. She went on again, twenty four hours, I think, or
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  is it twelve? I? Oh, don't bother me, said the Duchess.
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  I never could abide figures, And with this she began nursing the child
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  again singing a sort of lullabye to it as she did so, and giving
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  a violent shake at the end of every line, speak roughly to your little
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  boy, and beat him when he sneezes. He only does it to annoy
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  because he knows it teases. And then the chorus, in which the cook
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  and the baby joined Wow Wow Wow. While the duchess saying the second verse
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  of the song, she kept tossing the baby violently up and down, and
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  the poor little thing howled so that Alice could hardly hear the words, I
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  speak severely to my boy and beat him when he sneezes, for he can
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  thoroughly enjoy the pepper when he pleases. Wow wow Wow. Here you might
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  nurse it a bit if you like, The duchess said to Alice, flinging
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  the baby at her as she spoke, I must go and get ready to
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  play croquet with the Queen. And she hurried out the room, and the
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  cook threw a frying pan after her. She went, but just missed her.
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  Alice caught the baby with some difficulty, as it was a queer shaped
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  little creature, and held out its arms and legs in all directions, just
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  like a starfish, thought Alice. The poor little thing was snorting like a
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  steam engine when she caught it, and kept doubling itself up and straightening itself
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  out again, so that altogether for the first minute or two, it was
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  as much as she could do to hold it. As soon as she had
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  made out the proper way of nursing it, which was to twist it up
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  in a sort of knot, and then keep tight hold of its rear end
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  and left foot to prevent its undoing itself, she carried it into the open
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  air. If I don't take this child away from me, thought Alice,
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  they're sure to kill it in a day or two. Wouldn't it be murder
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  to leave it behind? She said the last words out loud, and the
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  little thing grunted in reply. It had left off sneezing by this time.
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  Don't grunt, said Alice. That's not at all a proper way of expressing
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  yourself. The baby grunted again, and Alice looked very anxiously into its face
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  to see what was the matter with it. There could be no doubt that
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  it had a very turn up nose, which was more like a snout than
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  a real nose. Also, its eyes were getting extremely small for a baby
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  altogether. Alice did not like the look of the thing at all. But
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  perhaps it's only sobbing, she thought, and looked into its eyes again to
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  see if there were any tears. No, there were no tears. If
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  you're going to turn into a pig, my dear, said Alice, seriously,
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  I've got nothing more to do with you mine now. The poor little
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  thing sobbed again or grunted, it was impossible to say which, and then
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  went on for some while in silence. Alice was just beginning to think to
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  herself, now what am I supposed to do with this creature when I get
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  home? When it grunted again so violently that she looked down into its face
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  with some alarm. This time, there could be no mistake about it.
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  It was neither more or less than a pig, and she felt that it
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  would be quite absurd for her to carry it any further. So she let
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  the little creature down, and felt quite relieved to see it trot away quietly
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  into the woods. If it had grown up, she said to herself,
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  it would have made a dreadfully ugly child, But it makes a rather handsome
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  pig. I think and she began thinking of her other children she knew who
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  might do very well as pigs, and was just saying to herself, if
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  one only knew the right way to change them. When she was a little
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  startled by seeing the cheshire cat sitting on the bow of a tree just a
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  few yards off. The cat only grinned when it saw Alice, and it
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  looked good natured, she thought. Still, it had very long claws and
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  a great many teeth, so she felt that it ought to be treated with
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  respect. Cheshire Puss. She began rather timidly, and she did not at
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  all know whether it would like the name. However, it only grinned a
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  little wider. Come, it's pleased so far, thought Alice, and she
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  went on, would you tell me please which way I ought to go from
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  here? That depends a good deal on where you want to go, said
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  the cat. I don't much care where, said Alice. Then it doesn't
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  matter which way you go, said the cat, so as long as I
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  go somewhere, Alice added with explanation. Oh, you're sure to do that,
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  said the cat, if only you walk long enough. Alice felt that
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  this could not be denied, so she tried another question, what sort of
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  people live about here? In that direction, the cat said, waving its
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  right par round, lives a hatter, and in that direction, waving the
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  other paw, leaves a march here. Visit either you like? They're both
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  mad, But I don't want to go among mad people. Alice remarked,
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  Oh, you can't help that, said the cat. We're all mad here.
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  I'm mad, you're mad. How do you know I'm mad? Said
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  Alice. You must be, said the cat, or you wouldn't have come
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  here. Alice didn't think that proves it at all. However, she went
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  on, and how do you know that you're mad to begin with? Said
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  the cat. A dog's not mad? You grat that? I suppose so,
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  said Alice. Well, then the cat went on. You see a
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  dog growls when it's angry and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I
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  growl when I'm pleased and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.
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  I call it purring, not growling, said Alice. Call it what
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  you like, said the cat. Do you play croquet with the Queen today?
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  I should like it very much, said Alice. But I haven't been
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  invited yet, you'll see me there, said the cat, and vanished.
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  Alice was not much surprised at this, she was getting so well used to
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  the queer things happening. While she was still looking at the place where it
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  had been, it suddenly appeared again by the bye. What became of the
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  baby? Said the cat. I'd nearly forgotten to ask. It turned into
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  a pig, Alice answered, very quietly, just as if the cat had
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  come back in a natural way. I thought it would, said the cat,
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  and vanished again. Alice waited a little half expecting to see it again,
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  but it did not appear. After a minute or two, she walked
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  on in the direction in which the march Hare was said to live. I've
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  seen hatteras before, she said to herself. The march Hare will be much
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  more interesting, and perhaps, as this says, may, it won't be
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  raving mad, at least not so mad as it was in March. She
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  said this, she looked up, and there was the cat again, sitting
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  on the branch of a tree. Did you say, pig or fig?
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  Said the cat. I said pig, replied Alice. And I wish that
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  you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly you make one quite giddy, all
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  right, said the cat, And this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning
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  with the end of the tail and ending with the grin, which remained some
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  time after the rest of it had gone. Well. I've often seen a
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  cat without a grin, thought Alice. But a grin without a cat,
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  It's the most curious thing I ever saw in all my life. She had
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  not gone much further before she came in sight of the house of the march
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  Hare. She thought it must be the right house, because the chimneys were
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  shaped like ears, and the roof was thatched with fur. It was such
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  a large house that she did not like to go nearer till she had nibbled
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  some more of the left hand bit of a mushroom, and she raised herself
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  about two feet high. Even then, she walked up towards it rather timidly,
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  saying to herself, suppose it should be raving mad. After all,
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  I almost wish I'd gone to the hatter instead. End of Chapter six