Latest / In The Driver's Seat / Life After Kids Leave Home: What Do You Want Now?
Transcript
- Lisa: When your children leave home, you can miss a whole lot more than having them under your roof. I miss their friends too. Our house was a gathering place, and some of my favorite memories are of all of them being together at our house. One Halloween, our garage was full of high schoolers all carving pumpkins. Both of my children were there with their friends, laughing and goofing around. At least one of them had never carved a pumpkin before. So they were getting to experience that for the very first time. I just let them do their thing. These were teenagers having the best time together, doing something as basic as carving a pumpkin. The whole thing just warmed my heart. So when I think about the quiet after my children moved away, that's the part I think about. All that laughter and energy and the relationships I had with their friends, I cared about those kids too. For me, it happened gradually. I had regular visits with my children while they were going to school closer to home. And eventually both of them ended up living in Oklahoma. By then I had been weaned into being without them slowly, But the house had changed and so had the shape of my everyday life. If your child recently left for college, you may be noticing some of that yourself. Even one child leaving changes the dynamics. There can still be people in the house, still plenty to do, and you miss the particular energy the child who left brought into it. I want to talk about that adjustment today, including something that began opening up for me as my children became more independent. I had poured so much into them. At the same time, I was reaching a point in my work where I was wondering what could come next. Then my boss asked me a question that I have not forgotten. Now what does Lisa want? I am Lisa French and this is in the driver's seat. Something that I don't think we talk about enough is how attached we become to the people around our children. Their friends become a part of our lives too. We get to know their personalities. We hear what they're excited about, who's doing what, what's coming up at school. Some of those relationships last for years. That's what I loved about having a house where everyone gathered. I got to know all those kids. They called me Mama Lisa. So when my children moved away, I also missed their friends. And then there are the connections through school. You become used to seeing certain parents at events. You have people you catch up with because you're both there waiting for the same thing to start. You don't have to arrange a social life quite deliberately. Some of it happens as part of being a parent. After graduation, that changes. You can go from seeing someone every week to realizing you haven't talked in months. You still like each other, nobody had a falling out. However, the thing that kept putting you in the same place ended. I think recognizing that helps because otherwise the whole feeling can get wrapped up in, I miss my child. And of course you do, but there may be several people you miss. And some of those relationships are still right there waiting for somebody to make the first phone call. You can call the other mom you always enjoy talking to. You've probably got plenty to catch up on by now. With your child though, it's the everyday access that changes. When someone lives with you, you hear things without having to ask for an update. A story comes out while they're getting something to eat. You find out about their day because you happen to be in the same room. A phone call is different. They can tell you everything's good, classes are good, life is good, and you're thinking, okay, but I would have enjoyed the longer version. You miss knowing the little things and I think there's something so sweet about those visits when they first leave. When my son graduated, he went to school less than an hour away. He was going to school and navigating life on his own. Then he'd come home for a visit, bringing clothes with a stain he needed me to get out. He called me the stain master, and I loved that. There were still these normal moments connecting us. He came home a couple of times a month and he'd come home for the races in the summer too. He also wanted to be there for his sister, like coming back to see her when she was all dressed up for prom. That really mattered to me. He'd moved out but he was still showing up for things that were really important to our family. Then two years later, my daughter started college. She was living with a friend of mine about an hour and a half away. At the same time she started college, my son moved seven hours away to Oklahoma. I was still able to see her regularly and spent a lot of quality time with my son before he moved. So I had these opportunities to adjust before both of them were much farther away. I can appreciate how much that helped me. was a gradual change in how often we were together instead of everything changing at once. As our children get older, we also get to know a different part of them. They're choosing where to live, who to spend time with, and what they want to pursue. My daughter decided she missed her older brother and the distance was to just too much for her. So before she even finished her first year of college, she moved to be near him and her younger step brothers. She had her own idea of what she wanted in life. And that's part of watching them grow up. They start making choices based on what feels right for them. And we have to figure out our part in that. We've spent years helping them make decisions. Sometimes we've made the decision because somebody had to and we were the parent. Now a conversation can require a little more listening before we jump in with an answer. I like the idea of asking, do you want my thoughts on that? It's simple, it gives them a chance to say yes, or to tell you they just needed someone to hear them. The bond with both of my children didn't weaken because they moved. Only thing changed was how we maintained our connection. We still have things to offer each other and get to discover what those things look like as everybody grows. Of course, the rest of the household has some adjusting to do too. If you still have a child at home, they may be enjoying having more of your attention while also missing their sibling. Even a sibling who got on their nerves. Those two things can absolutely exist together. If you have a partner, you may suddenly have an evening when nobody needs a ride anywhere, or there's no school event to attend. You look at each other and you realize you have to come up with your own plans. That could be fun. It could also reveal that you have very different ideas about what a free evening should look like. One person's excited to get out of the house and the other has been waiting years to stay home without having to go back out. It's definitely something you guys should talk about. We can assume someone knows what we need Because they've been living beside us for a long time, then we get frustrated when they're having a completely different experience. And if you're living by yourself like I was, there's a different kind of adjustment. More of those everyday choices belong entirely to you now. What sounds good for dinner? I had a lot of cereal nights. What do you feel like doing this weekend? The options are endless. Those can be surprisingly unfamiliar questions when you're used to figuring out what works for everyone else. I think this is where it helps to pay attention to your own reactions. Some parts of the change may feel wonderful, some may feel lonely, Some you won't have an opinion about until you've lived with them for a while. You're learning what this version of home feels like. For me, there was another piece happening at the same time. I was working at the hospital as the executive assistant to the CEO and I loved that job. I loved the people. I felt valued there. And my boss was wonderful about recognizing my strengths. He looked for ways to grow my position. He'd take some of the smaller tasks off my plate and find opportunities that made better use of what I could do. I appreciated that so much. He was paying attention. But there wasn't any more upward movement available in that role. I was reaching a point where I knew I wanted to keep growing. And I was trying to figure out what that could look like. Right after my daughter graduated, I was in my employee evaluation and he asked, So your daughter graduated. Now what does Lisa want? I have never forgotten that. I felt like he knew I was meant for bigger things. He saw that drive in me. And coming from someone I respected who already valued the work I was doing, that question meant a lot. I had poured so much into my children. Then less than a year after my daughter graduated, both of them were living in Oklahoma. My work had reached a certain point. My home life had changed. It was a culmination of things that left me thinking, well, now what do I want? And I did really lean into now is my time and the sky is the limit. That part felt exciting to me. I could consider possibilities that I hadn't fit into my life before. I had interests I wanted to explore and I could give them more attention. Eventually that led to Florida. If you've heard my earlier episodes, you know that story had a few twists in it. But I didn't go from my daughter's graduation to packing an RV the next morning. There were years between those things. There was uncertainty. There were several different options I had considered. Even leaving a job I loved took a lot of thought and a lot of tears when the time came. When I tell the story now, I know how those pieces came together. At the time, I was figuring it out as I went. I was flying by the seat of my pants. I think that's easy to forget when we hear about someone making a big change. We hear the part where they did it. We don't always hear about the time they spent wondering what on earth they were going to do. That question my boss asked is one I'd love for you to consider for yourself. What do you want now? You might have an answer immediately. There could be something you've been thinking about for years, waiting for the point when you'd have a little more freedom. Or you could be thinking, I have absolutely no idea. I have been trying to get everybody else where they need to be. Start with something you're curious about. you don't have to come up with an entirely new direction for your life over a cup of coffee. What sounds enjoyable? What have you seen someone doing and thought, hey, I'd like to try that? Is there a place you'd like to visit? Someone you'd like to spend more time with? And some things you thought you wanted 10 years ago might not even interest you anymore. You look at them now and think, well, apparently I'm over that. What else sounds fun? We change, we have more experiences, we discover different things about ourselves. I know that for me, curiosity led to so much. I get interested in something and I want to know more about it. I read, I explore, one thing leads to another. You could start following whatever catches your attention and just see where that takes you. And also be a little thoughtful about what you commit to. If you're good at getting things done, There are probably people who would love to help you fill every newly available hour. You may enjoy being involved. There are plenty of non profits who would love to have you. Now, if you're still missing your child so much that none of those ideas appeal yet. I understand why a conversation about possibilities could feel a little early. So start with what's happening for you. There are four questions I think can help you sort through it. What changed most when my child left? What am I proud of? What am I grieving? And what still feels true about who I am? You can take those one at a time. An answer might come to you while you're driving somewhere or doing something around the house. The first question helps you get more specific. If you realize you miss the social connection through school, That gives you a different place to begin if you're worried about how your child is managing being away from home. The pride and the grief can be there together. You can appreciate the person your child is becoming and wish you could see them more often. You can love that they're enjoying themselves and miss the days when you were more part of it. Then there's that last question. What still feels true about who I am? You've brought so much of yourself into raising your family, your humor, your resourcefulness, the way you care about people, your ability to figure something out when nobody hands you the instructions. Those qualities are still with you. Now you can discover where else you want to put them to use. Once you have a little sense of what you're missing or what interests you, try one thing. Keep it manageable. If you'd like more company, invite someone to do something specific. If a class caught your attention, find out when it meets. If you've been wanting to get out more, pick somewhere to go this week. Then see what you think. You could love it. Or you could come home and think, well, I'm glad I tried that, but I probably won't be doing it again. That is useful information too. There's so much pressure sometimes to make the perfect choice that we forget we can try something and change our minds. A single afternoon can be just a single afternoon. It doesn't have to become your new passion or your next business. Some things take a few visits before you feel comfortable. Some are better fit than others. Give yourself a chance to find out. And rest matters here too. You've had a lot going on. There may be days when enjoying the slower pace is exactly what feels good. If the sadness is persistent or overwhelming or affecting your ability to move through daily life, reaching out to a qualified professional can be a caring next step. For me, this season eventually brought a sense of excitement about what I could do with my own life. And my children were able to witness a new me. And I'm so grateful for that. I also know it grew out of a transition that happened over a period of time. When I think back on those years with my children, I feel grateful that our home was a place where they and their friends wanted to be. Those relationships and memories are part of my life. And I get to carry them with me. I also get to keep living a life I'm interested in. That's what I hope you'll find as this season unfolds. Time to miss what you loved, opportunities to get to know the people your children are becoming, and some curiosity about what you want for yourself. Your answer to what do I want now may begin with something very simple. Or it may take you somewhere you never would have expected. Mine certainly did. I'd love for you to find something in your days that brings that little feeling of anticipation, something you're curious about, something you want to tell your child about the next time you talk. There is a lot of life still happening on your side of that phone call too. I think that that's a beautiful thing for our children to see. A parent they love with friendships, interests, and things they are excited about. There are still good stories ahead. I hope you'll stay with me here as we explore what it means to intentionally create a life that you love. Until next time, remember you're always in the driver's seat of your life. I'm so happy you're here.