Latest / Judgement Call / MOM, STEPMOM, BABY MOM: WHO RUNS THE SHOW

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MOM, STEPMOM, BABY MOM: WHO RUNS THE SHOW · Judgement Call

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: She's seen it all from the bench.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: He's helped couples through it all.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Now they're making the call on the internet's biggest relationship debates.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Real relationships, real reactions, real talk.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: This is Judgment Call.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_03: Today we have got some fiery talk bits for you, Judge.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_03: How you doing?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_03: I'm doing all right, Dr.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_03: Ish.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_03: How are you?
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_03: Well, uh, I remember you said that because we got some touchy subjects today.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_03: We're talking about the hardest job on the planet, which is being a mom.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_03: And not just moms, but stepmoms and baby moms and girlfriends and blended families, right?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_03: And it's a lot to do unless everybody's on board.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm gonna toss this to you.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_03: How have you run up against that?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_03: And what are one of any sage words of wisdom we can get this kicked off?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_03: But how have you how have you handled the mom issue in your own life?
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_03: And what have you seen in the courtroom?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_04: I've had a lot of I've had a lot of mom roles in my life.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_04: I've had mom roles, stepmom role.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_04: I had a mother-in-law, and my husband had to tell you, my mother didn't want me to marry my husband because he had four kids.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_04: He didn't want, he didn't want, she didn't want me to be a stepmother of four children.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_04: And you can understand that.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_04: I loved him.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_04: I married him anyway, and then when we got married, they bought us a washer dryer, kind of as a peace, as a peace offering.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_04: Peace offering.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_04: And she talked to him too.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_04: She was smart about it.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_04: She she held his hand across the table one day.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_04: She said, It wasn't you, baby.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_04: It was the circumstances.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_04: My mother was really, my mother was really smart about those things.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know if I was as good a stepmother as she was of a mother to me.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_04: I think I wish I'd had a better relationship, individual relationship with each of the boys.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_04: I kind of saw him as a unit and we hung out as a unit, but never as individuals.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_04: So I could have done that better.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_04: But I did like my mama did.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_04: I apologize to all of them for not being the best mother, stepmother I could have been.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_03: Well, that's that's the thing about being a parent, isn't it?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's there's always more you could have done.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_03: In our in parents, in a parent's mind, there's always more to have done, more we could have done right, less we could have done wrong.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and it's one of those things I you know, I always tell folks being a parent opens you up to the single biggest shaming event of your life.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_03: Because there's so many ways to do it wrong.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_04: So many ways to get it wrong.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_04: And so many people eager to tell you how you're getting it wrong.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, talk about the comment section section being open.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_04: The comment section is always open for mothers.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_04: What are you doing wrong?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_04: What's wrong?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_04: What you know, this, that, and the other thing.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: So judgment call.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_07: Our son got money from his grandmother for his birthday, and he asked for a sushi for dinner.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_07: I thought we were gonna have a bonding time and go get it together.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_07: He asked me if I could go get it.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_07: I told him he had to pay me gas money because you know consequences.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_07: Um, and I used that gas money to give me a snack.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_07: So here's what we got.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_07: I went to Kroger's and we got their sushi.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_07: Starting off strong, sushi slash eel sauce and spicy mayo.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_07: Where's your chopstick?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_07: There we go.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_07: Soy sauce, chopstick, chopsticks.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_07: He got a New York.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_04: We gotta get the whole menu here.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_04: What the thing she bought!
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_07: And it has ginger and wasabi that he won't eat.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_07: I will though.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_07: That looks kind of delicious.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_07: And then this is the first time I've seen that there.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_07: They have their own onigiri.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_07: It is crab salad.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_07: I it was$3.75.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_07: And that is why I got the eel sauce and the spicy mayo.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_07: I spent$17.72.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_07: 15 of that was from my son.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_04: Do you think that's tacky?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_04: I think that's tacky.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_04: Let me just say it.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_04: I won't pull it to you.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_04: I just say I think that's tacky.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_04: That was her son's money.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_04: Now, if you want you, you you gotta feed those people anyway, by law.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_04: By law, you have to feed them.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_04: So gonna take his little fifty, how much was it?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_04: $17,$15,$15, and gonna use it to have a very specific sushi meal.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_04: And I love sushi.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_03: I do.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_03: Listen, I'm gonna teach that son a sentence that he will, if he can learn to use it, it is gonna serve him well throughout the course of his life.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_03: Whenever you hand somebody money, this is what you say.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_03: Bring me back my change.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_03: Show me the receipts, bring me back my change.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_03: There you go.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_03: It was not money that was given to you, mom.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_03: It was given to him to spend in the manner which he wanted.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_03: Now, I love the fact that y'all are having a sushi dinner, mom, son, together.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_03: Love that.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_03: Always want to, always want to give you some addigirs for that.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: However, you know what I mean?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_03: You're never not teaching your kids about how to be a responsible adult.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_03: And that includes financial responsibility.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_03: So let's have a conversation about what we're gonna do with this money that you gave me.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_04: And that was his money, and it's a big deal to them to have his own money, you know what I mean?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_04: Because they don't have access to much.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_04: I remember being that age and just collecting money.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_04: I just, you know, I just I liked my money.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_03: It's a big deal.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_03: I I can still remember counting my monies when I was right.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_04: It's a big deal to have your own cash.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_03: It's a big deal, but then now let's talk about the bigger elephant in the room.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_03: She said, Hey, I use some of that money to put gas in the car, and we got to understand that times are tough for a lot of folks these days.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_03: That's very true.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_03: But again, right, just because they're kids don't mean they can't understand some adult concepts.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, kids understand when money is tight, so you can have that conversation.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_03: So, hey, listen, don't mind making an extra run to the store, but you understand we're kind of scraping by these days, so I may have to use some of that money to put some gas in the car.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_03: Are we okay with that?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_03: That's the conversation you can have.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_04: And and it and it helps the kids to understand the context of everything that's going on.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_04: Everything is nothing is free, everything has a cost to it.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_04: I understand that concept and bring it to it.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_04: She just shouldn't have taken all that, you know,$15.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_04: That was tacky.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_04: And throwing it off like she bought everything.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_04: Like she made this great meal, you know.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_04: Judgment call for young son that lost his cash.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_03: Bring me back my change, mama.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: Judgment call.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_06: Well, guess who's currently on her way to go see her fucking son?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_06: My son not only has one baby on the way, my 16-year-old has three fucking children on the way.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_06: And he has the audacity to try to blame me like it's my fault.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_06: I gave custody up from him, I mean up of him when he was 12, and I gave him to his grandma.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_06: He doesn't get a lot of attention.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_06: He was a bad kid.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_06: I just I needed to do my own thing and live my own life, which I did.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_06: And he's always been down a trouble path, and my mom is about 80 years old, so sh it's really hard for her to watch him and stuff, and so he's just been running the streets.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_06: And now I have to come pick him up because my mom is over it, because he has three fucking kids on the way.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_06: It was one thing when he had one child on the way, it was another thing when it was the second child, but now the third is ridiculous.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_06: All different baby mamas, obviously.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_06: And they're all due within a couple of months of each other, and now she expects me to take on full fucking custody of him again.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_06: I don't understand what's happening.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_06: Personally, I don't think I should have any responsibility for this, but my mom keeps going on and on and on because she has health issues and she can't deal with this anymore.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_06: So she's making me fucking drive two and a half hours to come get his stupid ass.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_06: Like, this is ridiculous.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_06: Honestly, at this point, I'm thinking I'm just gonna let him like get emancipated or whatever it is when you just like give up full rights and he can just go live his own life.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_06: You wanted to go have three babies, go have three babies, but that's not my business.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_06: Like, it really isn't my business anymore.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, you better start.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_03: See, so let here's the disclaimer.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, I am a board certified psychiatrist, uh, and I'm also a child, and yes, I'm also a child and adolescent trained psychiatrist.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_03: So half of what I do is adults, the other half is parents, is kids all day long.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: And so I may get a little testy with some of these, Judge.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_03: Because these are the fires I have to put out all day long.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_03: Just because you're old enough to have a child does not mean that you're mature enough to raise one.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_03: And that's what we're seeing here, right?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_04: And I don't know who I'm madder at.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_04: This particular mother or her mother, because her mother produced this particular individual.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_04: Versus like a sailor.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_04: I don't mind a few F-bombs going here and here, here and there, but it's a it's a regular crutch that she uses.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_04: And she looks very young herself.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_04: So she obviously had her son very young.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_04: So I don't know what mama was doing wrong that she turned out that way, that she decided that when she had a kid, she didn't want to be bothered and want to go back to her party life and send her back to the mom that made the woman that made the mistake in the first place.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_04: I feel sorry for the son, even though, well, actually, I feel sorry for them three baby mamas and their children.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_04: Because nobody has any, there's there's there's nowhere to look for a good example.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_04: There's nowhere to where to go for some sound advice because everybody's just cursing and pointing at each other, talking about not my job.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_03: This is what it looks like when a parent abdicates all their responsibility for a kid.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_03: And to be fair to that super young mom, because she's super young in appearance and super young in how she comes across, to be fair to her, one of the hardest decisions you're going to ever make as a parent is to terminate your parental rights.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, and she did that.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_03: She gave up custody to grandma.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_03: And it sounds like grandma was willing, but not capable to supervise a teenager with raging hormones and impulses that needs constant supervision, right?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_03: You you inherited four boys, you know how that works.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_04: But she and I get that, I do, I really get that, but she knew how old her grandmother was, and she won she wanted to have a hot girl summer or whatever they called it.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know if that's an expression is still used or not, but she was just like, she I had him too soon, I don't want to do it.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_04: Now I'm just gonna be irresponsible with it.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: Um, yeah, and now, and now one of the one of the biggest rules of parenting, the number one rule of parenting is never give up on your kids.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_03: And not only has she given up the first time, but now she's talking about giving up the second time because now she's talking about having this son emancipated, which for folks who don't know means he is legally declared an adult in that state.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: And it sounds like he's already trying to live as one.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_03: He's out here having babies, hit willy and nilly, and he's got he's 16, right?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_03: And you're allowed to be 16 and make some knucklehead decisions and be impulsive and be girl crazy and do all those things, but his brain isn't fully developed to make those decisions, to anticipate those consequences, to respond in situations and not react.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_03: And so it's just a total loss of parental responsibility, is what I'm seeing.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_04: Absolutely.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_04: And I didn't hear anything, and I know this this was just a brief thing about anybody else in that guy's life.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_04: You know, I I had a girlfriend once, she had a kid, didn't have a dad, but they she had a guy that was interested in her kid, and he would come along to things.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_04: And I just don't know if they made any plans at all to give him the support that he needs.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I don't, you're right.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_03: I don't hear, I wonder if he's got anybody.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_03: Here's what I tell my kids, you know, when folks ask me, hey doctors, you guys and I don't have any kids, but sometimes, yeah, I got a few kids, I got about two, three hundred, right?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_03: Because I see because those are the ones I see.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_03: Whenever I get a child in the room one-on-one, and I'm like, listen, who's the who's the one adult in your life with some sense who you can talk to on the days when you're having trouble making a decision?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: You gotta have one somebody, just one.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_03: Just one.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_04: I just need one stable adult in their life in a in a meaningful way, and I think I can save them.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_04: You know what I mean?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_04: You can't save everybody, but you can't save everybody.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_03: We can all be in the clown car together, but the driver needs to have their shit together.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_03: That's it.
• 12:42
  unknown: No doubt about it.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_04: Judgment called in favor with all the love and support I could muster for those three women and those three children.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_04: Support for the that judgment call, not for the mother, but best wishes for her in the future.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_03: Judge, he's about to be 17 with a family of seven.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_03: Three baby mamas, three kids, plus him.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_03: And he don't know how ugly that can get.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, oh.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_04: And he's got nobody, he's got no support.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_03: It doesn't, it doesn't sound like and it sounds like he's about to have even less, you know.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, and mom is discharging blame.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_03: Grandma, God bless her, sounds like she was willing, but just not quite capable.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, and so I want him to find a mentor.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_03: It could be a coach, it could be a teacher, it could be an uncle, right?
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_03: It could be an OG in the community, but somebody with some sense, man.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_03: Who you can just take, take some stuff to and unload that burden and see if what they say makes sense.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: You may not need a fix, but you may just need somebody to listen.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_03: That can go a long way.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_03: Long way, long way.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_04: So judgment call for the young and the innocent.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_02: Judgment call.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: I have a child with my ex who got married recently.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: About a month ago, our 13-year-old son asked me if he could wear the suit I bought him for my wedding.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's a blue suit with matching pants to his dad's wedding because he's part of the entourage.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: My reply, no problem.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: But you have to ask your dad if your suit would fit the color scheme for his wedding.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: A month passed and there was no update.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Until a week before the wedding, my son forwarded me the colors of the wedding.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Beige, pink, green.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I told him best not wear the blue suit as it wouldn't go well with the colors.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: We ended up with a long sleeve, dark green polo, and black slacks, because that was the closest we had at home.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: I even brought him a day early to his dad so they could buy him an appropriate outfit if needed.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: He sent me photos of the wedding, and I was devastated for my son because he looked like an afterthought at his own father's wedding.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody in the entourage wore suits and formal wear.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Even their dog had a vest and bow tie.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: My son was the only member of the entourage wearing a different color who wasn't in formal attire.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: My son is 13, he's very close to his dad, even though I have him the majority of the time.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't a big deal to him, but it was a big deal to me.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: If this is how they treat him at the wedding, what happens when they have a child of their own?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: I talked to my son about it, and somehow he's blaming me because I didn't buy him better clothes for the wedding or brought him to his dad's way earlier so they could have had a suit tailor made for him like the rest of the entourage.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: The thing is, nobody in his dad's family even thought to ask me about having him over for suit fittings or anything of the sort.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: I have full custody of him, but I allow him to visit whenever they ask.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: This time, not a peep.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Just sent the dress code and that was all.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: My family's saying it was his dad's fault for not thinking of his son, while his dad's family is saying I should have provided a better outfit for him, since they sent me the dress code earlier, and he's with me the majority of the time.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: And she adds in a clarification here the wedding invite they sent me said semi-formal, and the color swatches were beige, pink, and dark green.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: My son wore a dark green, long-sleeve polo and slacks.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: He fit in as a guest, but not as part of the entourage.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: He was supposed to be the ring bearer.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_04: Well, now I don't know a whole lot about wedding stuff.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_04: Because I find it a little silly.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_03: Having said to me, do you really?
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_03: What do we what do we think uh is unnecessary about it?
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_04: The whole thing used to spend all that time and all that money at a marriage counselor's talking about all the trouble you're gonna get into once you say I do.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_04: You know, the the the the clothes don't matter.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_04: And I know I'm a court law on estrogen.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_04: Nobody thinks like this.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_04: It's okay.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_04: But I would say I think Pop's dropped the ball.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_04: It was his wedding.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_04: He was supposed to have, you know, he was supposed to do his part with his groomsmen and his side, and he should have made a phone call to the mother because you can't ask a 13-year-old boy to accurately communicate faction information.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I I agree.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_03: I think they both dropped the ball.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's a lack of agency on both sides.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_03: This is in a situation where big people problems have filtered down and now become little people problems.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_03: As an adult, you've got the benefit of being able to look back over your life and seeing if the decisions make sense.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_03: As a kid, you're only looking forward.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I got a wedding, I need some shoes and some pants and a shirt.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_03: So, you know, what I'm hearing here is a lack of agency, and now I'm wondering why.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_03: Well, how was that breakup?
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_03: What's the reason we're not together?
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_03: Was it a communication thing?
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_03: Because the communication is still lousy.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, I hear some passive aggressive tendencies.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_03: Mom, how do you feel about him getting remarried to somebody not named you?
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_03: There's a lot that seems to be getting in the way here.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_04: And that's what I want to ask you something about.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_04: Because she said something in there that I thought was a little off.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_04: And I just wanted to see what you thought of it.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_04: She said she was now concerned, the mother was now concerned because does that reflect the way they're gonna treat their son moving forward?
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_04: I thought it was a glitch in a wedding, not a sign of lack of interest or neglect.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_04: Did you see it that way, or do you see her point of view?
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_03: 100% see it that way.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_03: I see her point of view, and again, this is an indicator of the meaning we give things, right?
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_03: Like you said, it's a it's a wedding.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_03: It's one day in the life of everybody.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_03: But in her mind, she's tying a much bigger meaning to it, and she's using that as a test.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_03: Um, to see if this is a and she set dad up to fail.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_03: He failed this test.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_03: But also, but you failed him too, mom, because listen, you got to take some agency over your son's life.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_03: The think about the version of you and your son 10 years from now, and how would you have wanted him to show up at that day, which is special to him because he's close to his dad, right?
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_03: And if dad didn't have whatever it took, the agency, the wherewithal, the input to say, hey, this is how I want him to show up, then that is your job.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_03: He lives with you.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_03: You like you control how he shows up into the world.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, give me the color swatches, tell me what the guys are wearing so I can make sure he's gonna be funny.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_03: Feel good about it, right?
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_04: That's true, that's true.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_04: I never really thought about it that way.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_04: So, judgment call is they both drop the ball.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_03: They both drop the ball.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_03: It's a lack of agency.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_03: Fix your stuff because we've got a blended family now, and he's gonna be a part of both.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_03: And he needs to be able to move seamlessly in between the two.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_03: I told you I get a little tested when it comes to my keys.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_02: Judgment call.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_08: Hi, my name's Serenity, and if you don't know me, I co-parent with my child's father.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_08: Today I learned that his girlfriend dyed the entire underneath of my child's hair purple.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_08: If you know my child, you know that she has beautiful red ginger hair.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_08: Natural.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_08: We haven't even given her a haircut.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_08: And I have told her since she was born, you're not touching your hair until 18, because if you're smart, you know that that hair does not need to be tampered with.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_08: So I'm coming to TikTok where it seems like the best people with advice are um to ask one for the hairstylist how do I get this out of her hair without ruining her beautiful hair?
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_08: And two, for the people who co-parent, what the fuck do I do now?
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_08: Because I was being nice before.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_08: Now I'm not.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_08: You touched her hair?
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_08: Oh, Dr.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_04: Ish, what say you?
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_04: Listen, mom looks like she's ready to scrap.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_04: She's got the smooth design.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_04: She was hot, but I gotta tell you, I'd be hot too.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_04: If my my my daughter was sporting some sp, you know, ginger hair is not common, it's unusual.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_04: From the way she described it was beautiful.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_04: Women really into their hair, and and I don't know what stepmama was thinking.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_03: You do not make decisions about how a child gets to show up in the world unless you consult that child's mom first.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_03: Full stop.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_03: Full stop.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_03: You just stepmom, stepdad, girlfriend, boyfriend, hangout buddy, sleepover buddy, paramour.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_03: None of those people has the right to make that decision unless mom signs off on it first.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_03: And then you back that decision whether you agree or not.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_04: And Dan's role was to say, yo, new wife, don't cause me any more problems, co parenting by by dyeing her hair.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_04: I don't, you know, I I don't know where he was in the conversation.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, sounds like he was absent.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_04: Clearly.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_04: But he should have stepped in and said, Hey, wait a minute, you know.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_04: This is gonna cause me problems.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_03: It is, it is.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_03: Listen, I um I'm a little I'm a little ill-equipped to deal with this one because I am uh I have been hair challenged, follicularly challenged my whole life.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_03: So the so the hair thing is different for me, but it's uh we've got a young girl.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_03: She's got a beautiful head of red hair.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_03: Um, that's a big deal about how you show up in life, right?
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_03: That means mom needs to be on board with that decision.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_03: And she's a kid, she's allowed to experiment, but holy cow, you go out one way and you come home with half red and half purple, we're gonna have some problems.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, and stepparents need the the the two parents need to talk and have a conversation about it so everybody knows what the rules are.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_04: And I know it's difficult to have a conversation.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know how hard it was for them to separate.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know uh what involvement this new stepmother had in it, but in order to raise your children correctly, you're gonna have to have a rational conversation with the step with the co-parent.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_04: And even if you have to use one of those apps, you know, like Family Wizard or something, figure it out, but have the conversation.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_03: You gotta you gotta figure it out.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_03: You gotta have, well, there needs to be two conversations.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_03: The first conversation's gotta be between mom and dad.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, this is this is where we are.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_03: These are the things that are okay, these are the things that are not okay.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_03: I'm more than happy to sit in on that conversation with you and your new one if you want me to.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_03: If you think you can communicate to them to her effectively what we're talked about today, I'm more than happy to butt out.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_03: But you gotta have that conversation.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_03: Setting boundaries is hard, but it doesn't have to be as hard as you think.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_04: No, it doesn't.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_04: You don't have to come in hot and heavy and angry and all that kind of stuff.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_04: Say, look, we just trying to get this so we don't make our kids crazy.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_04: Let's let's act like we have some sense.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_03: And I get it.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_03: Step moms, stepmom's trying to be the cool stepmom.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, I'll let you do it, and this is a bonding moment.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_03: We can kind of do all those things, but you gotta check in first.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_03: You just can't can't do it.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_03: Can't do it.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_04: Judgment call for bio mom.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_03: Judgment call for bio mom.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_03: She's well in the right.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_03: Don't go scrapping just yet.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_03: Never come.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, keep your hands to yourself.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_04: You can be mad, but keep your hands to yourself.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_02: Judgment call.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: I, 25 female, lost my mom when I was 16.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: The most valuable thing she left me was her vintage wedding dress.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's been sitting safely in a preserved garment bag in my closet for years, and I've always planned on wearing it when I got married.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: My dad remarried Karen four years ago.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: And Karen's daughter Lily just got engaged.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: Last month, Karen offered to take my mom's wedding dress to a high-end specialty cleaner to freshen it up for me as a nice gesture.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it was sweet, so I handed it over.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: Two weeks passed, and every time I asked Karen if the dress was ready to be picked up, she'd dodge the question or claim the cleaners were taking extra time.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yesterday, I went over to my dad's house unannounced to drop off some mail.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: I walked into the living room and Lily was standing there in my mom's dress.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: Except it wasn't just my mom's dress anymore.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: Karen had taken it to the tailor, and the entire lace back was ripped out.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: The long sleeves were cut into a strapless sweetheart line, and the train was completely removed to fit Lily's height and taste.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: I froze.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: Then Karen casually said, Oh, we were gonna surprise you.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: Lily fell in love with the silk fabric, and since you're not even engaged yet, we figured it was silly to let good material go to waste.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: I lost my absolute mind.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: I told Lily to take it off immediately.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: When she took it off, I grabbed the dress, packed it up, locked it in my car.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: Karen started yelling that I was being completely irrational because the cuts were already made.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the dress was already tailored to Lily now, anyway.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: So taking it back was just pure spite.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: Lily is now sobbing because her fitting was ruined.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: And my dad called me last night begging me to just let Lily have the altered dress.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: He offered to buy me a brand new dress when the time comes, saying, What's done is done, and you're just ruining your sister's wedding over a piece of cloth that doesn't even fit you anymore.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: I told them all to go to hell.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: Locked the butchered dress in the back of my closet and told them they're dead to me unless they pay to restore it to its original condition, if that's even possible.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now my whole extended family is blowing up my phone saying I'm being heartless, keeping a dress that I can't even wear in its current state just to punish a bride.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_04: Am I the asshole?
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_04: I can't imagine taking somebody else's stuff and tearing it up so I can wear it the way I want.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_04: I can't, I can't conceive of it.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_04: Somebody I don't like, I wouldn't do that to.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know where she got the audacity.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_03: Well, Judge, and it's not just taking somebody else's stuff, you took my dead mama's stuff.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, the sense of entitlement that comes with making a decision like that and have your mama in on it.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know what's going on over their house.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_04: But it's gall.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_04: It's gall.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_04: Absolute gall.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_04: Now what now, if it were you, what do you what would you what would you do if you were in her possession?
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_04: I know what I would do.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_04: After my head explodes?
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_04: What do I do after that?
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, after your head ain't finished exploding, what would you do?
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_03: Listen, I I am a card-carrying mama's boy.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_03: We lost our mom 14 years ago.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_03: Some days it feels like 14 days ago, right?
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_03: So what you're not gonna do is touch, brush up against, or otherwise alter anything that touched my mother's body when she was alive.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_03: You not that's not happening without running that by me.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_03: So the first thing I'm gonna do is I'm gonna send a text.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, I'm gonna send a text, and the text is gonna say, send me the address of the tailor.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_03: And then I'm gonna take that dress to the tailor with one instruction, put it back like it was.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_04: Right?
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_04: And if they can't, I'd make her pay for it.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_04: And if she doesn't want to make pay for it, I'd take her to small claims court and get the money for that dress.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_04: Because that that that was a violation.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, technically, if you won't get technical, technical about it, if the dress was over a certain amount of money, depending on your state, it was in, it could have been a felony.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_04: Check that out.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, really?
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_04: So there was a fact that you're not gonna be able to you took something that didn't belong to you and altered it inalterably.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_04: So that's a taking.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_04: You didn't have the right to take it.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_04: So technically, now I wouldn't, I don't, I don't believe in incarcerating family members over stuff like that.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_04: But I sure would, I sure would get that woman to pay for it and take it according if she didn't.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_03: I'm petty.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_03: I would.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I just I didn't uh that's interesting.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't know in terms of the value for what's a misdemeanor, what's a felony.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_03: So yeah, the here's the here's the part that breaks my heart, right?
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_03: When we talk about a loved one who is no longer here, and we have that memento, we have that thing that was theirs that they held close, and something your mom wore on her wedding day, the day of all days, that's beyond special.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_03: That's got that's got meaning.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_03: That's something I envision passing on to my daughter or me wearing one day, not for my stepsister to alter as she sees fits.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_04: Well, let me ask you one more question.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_04: You got the dress, it's been altered, it fits the other woman.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_04: Are you are are you gonna let her wear it?
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_04: I wish I might.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_04: I wish I might.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_04: I wish I I wish.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_03: The whole family's begging you, ish.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_03: The family is begging you.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_03: The family can beg whatever they want, they can enable whoever they want.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_03: I wish I might let her step foot in any church, on any beach, down any street, and any rehearsal dinner with my mama's dress on.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_03: I am unreasonable and I will not bust up of that.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_04: Especially since there's never been a sense of accountability for it, like I'm sorry, and it was such a horrible thing to do.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_04: They don't seem to sense the the depth of the sin they committed.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_03: And Judge, the the temerity to tell this woman, well, you're not engaged anyway, ain't like you're gonna use the and that's she ain't engaged yet.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_04: You don't know what's coming around the corner for her.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_04: You ain't engaged yet.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_03: Listen, just make call for the restraint that this woman has shown so far.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_03: Because that would that I at that point I'm losing it.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I mean?
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_03: And at that point, I'm gonna show up in your courtroom and you're gonna be like, yes, uh, you know, I wish they had called me sooner.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_03: It's where we are.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_04: Court low on estrogen or no, that would have made me hot.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, just hot.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_04: I don't think I'd let her wear it either.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_03: I might feel bad about it, but I don't think I'd let her wear it either.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_03: I will sleep peacefully in the knowledge that that dress is tucked away in my closet as my mom intended.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_04: Period and you don't reward bad behavior because it the entitled people think, oh, well, I am entitled.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_04: So yeah, I like that.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_04: Judge would call for the restraint.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_04: Mm-mm.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_04: Dr.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_04: Ish, what did we learn today?
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_03: Well, um, I would love to hear uh some thoughts from you on just motherhood and the it's not the stuff that we see coming that gets you into trouble.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_03: It's the things like this that we don't see coming.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_04: And I guess I think I always find myself in the middle of a lot of emotional management of the people around me.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_04: And it may be because I'm surrounded by guys, you know, had a husband, six sons, and all this kind of stuff.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_04: And everybody comes to me for the emotional stuff, and I was stuck in that mode.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_04: But you are in charge of a lot of emotional management of a whole lot of relationships for a whole lot of people, and it's it's both exhausting and empowering at the same time.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_03: Well, it's the responsibility that you never ask for because as a mom, you are the de facto emotional leader in the room.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_03: You just you just are.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_03: Um you got to figure out how to navigate those moments for everybody, being stay staying present in the moment today, but also thinking about how we're gonna feel about this decision tomorrow.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_03: I always tell my parents, listen, as long as you're making that decision from the mindset of what's gonna work out best for them, then you're probably gonna be okay.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_04: Probably gonna be.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, that's the best thing to learn today.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_04: Listen, y'all, thank you so so much for coming.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_04: If you have a question for us, uh, come shoot it to us at judgment.call.podcast on Instagram.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_04: Did I get that right or did I screw that up, ish?
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think we got it right.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_01: She's seen it all from the bench.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_01: He's helped couples through it all.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_01: Now they're making the call on the internet's biggest relationship debates.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_01: Real relationships, real reactions, real talk.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_01: This is Judgment Call.