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I Did 555 Workouts... And It Almost Cost Me Everything · Harder Than Life

• 0:01
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• 0:30
  The most dangerous patterns in your life are not the ones you're ashamed of. They're the ones you're most proud of. The pattern you hide, the one that embarrasses you, the one you don't talk about, that one's easy. You already know it's a problem, that's why you're hiding it. You're lying to yourself about working on it. I've seen that everywhere, it drives me nuts. The pattern that's killing you is the one you put on your LinkedIn. The one you brag about at dinner.
• 0:58
  The one you've built your whole identity around. The one people compliment you for. The one you sell as your competitive edge. That's who I am. That's the wound running the show. And today I'm going to teach you how to audit your own life. And I'm going to do it by auditing mine right here on tape in front of you all. Last year I set the goal to do 500 workouts.
• 1:26
  I did 555 and it almost cost me everything I'm actually trying to build. This is the cycle breakers audit. Let's go. Welcome to the harder life podcast. My favorite Thursday episodes. I am going to break down today. Me.
• 1:43
  And pay it forward as I always do and tell you about my last year and what I learned. Don't know why I picked 500 workouts. It sounded hard. I ended up on 555, which equals one and a half workouts per day for the entire year. I thought it meant discipline. Here's what I told myself.
• 2:03
  I was building discipline. I said the body is the foundation. I said if I can keep a promise to myself every single day, I can keep a promise to anybody. I said 500 workouts in a year is the kind of standard that separates the people who say it from the people who do it. You also heard me say there's two types of people in the world, those who make things happen and those who wonder what happened. All of this is true, and all of it was cover,
• 2:31
  for trauma that I didn't know. It was covering shame and fear. Because I didn't stop at 500 workouts, I continued to 555. When I crossed 500, the actual goal, I didn't feel anything. I didn't celebrate. I didn't even rest. I looked at the number and immediately thought, can I get to 550?
• 2:54
  and then 555. And for a hot second, I thought about 600 because I slowed way down in the end. I got tired. Eventually the calendar did run out. That's not discipline, my friends. And yes, if you're watching on YouTube, I got a T tank top on the day. It's in Florida, it's super hot. It's cool to be 50 and ripped. Guys, let me not lie to you at all. This is a man that can't stop.
• 3:17
  Because if I stop, something underneath catches up to me. I didn't see it last year. I couldn't see it. I was inside the pattern. From inside the pattern, 555 workouts look like proof. It looked like winning. It looks like the answer to a question I had never said out loud.
• 3:35
  Am I worthy? It took two coaches, an IFS practitioner, about six months of getting honest with myself this year to see what I was actually doing. I wasn't training my body. I was punishing a child. I was running that same system that I grew up in. My inner child was in my chest.
• 4:00
  And I'll tell you what I learned last year. And I'm not going to use the clinical language because half of you would shut the episode off if I did. I'm just going to tell you what happened.
• 4:11
  There's a part of me and there's a part of you. If you grew up the way I grew up or any version of it that observed the chaos of childhood and quietly concluded that something was wrong with you, not wrong with this situation, not wrong with the adults who failed him, wrong with him. That kid never went away from me.
• 4:31
  He got buried under the achievement. Every workout I did, every rep, every set, every 4 a.m. alarm was the kid trying to earn the right to exist. Trying to prove the verdict wrong. Trying to out-train a sentence he absorbed before he could read. The sentence was, you're not enough.
• 4:55
  You're unlovable. You're no good. And every workout was a tiny rebuttal. See, look what I can do. Look how hard I can go. Look how disciplined I am. Don't you see me now? I am lovable. I love myself. I am worthy. I am enough. I am good. The body was the punishment and the proof at the same time. And I couldn't see it. When I sat with that kid this year, and I mean literally, in IFS therapy and coaching,
• 5:24
  was doing the work and the first thing that that kid said to me was thank you for seeing me. And it unburdened a lot for me. That little kid didn't rage, didn't fight, didn't ask for revenge, said thank you. He'd been waiting 40 years for someone to look at him without asking him to perform. Does this resonate with you guys? I know it does for some of you. I get messages about this all the time and I see you and I hear you and you're not alone. You matter, you are worthy,
• 5:53
  And I love you. But sitting in that room with the coach, that's when I understood what the 555 workouts actually meant to me, what it was showing me. It was a man making a child run for his life because the man never learned how to sit down with him and fully witness him.
• 6:10
  There was a cost I couldn't see. Here's what the pattern cost me. And I'm telling you this because you need to hear that the cost is always hidden behind the output. This is why you see famous people overdosing. They can't outrun their childhood trauma. The output was visible 555 workouts, a body that looked the part. You can see it if you're watching on YouTube today. Grr.
• 6:37
  a discipline shriek I could brag about, content for the podcast, proof for the audience that I'm harder than life, proof for me, but the cost was invisible. The cost was a nervous system that never got to come down. The cost was a man who couldn't sit still. The cost was relationships where I was physically present and internally gone.
• 7:05
  already calculating the next workout, the next goal, the next step, the next move. The cost was choosing partners who matched the part of me that didn't believe I deserved peace. The cost was using discipline as a permission slip to avoid the one thing I actually needed to do, which was sit with the kid in my chest and tell him he could rest now. I see him. I feel him. He's safe and he's okay.
• 7:34
  He didn't have to do all that work. It's not his burden to carry. And you let it go. You'll never see these costs on a spreadsheet. You'll never see it in a transitional photo. You'll only see the way your body feels at 11 p.m. when the lights go out and there's no one left to perform for. Or when you look in the mirror and something is missing. You don't even see your soul.
• 7:58
  That's the audit. The audit is not, did I hit my goal? The audit is, what did the goal cost the part of me that didn't get to vote on it? Man, that was hard. That was hard to explain.
• 8:12
  Here's how you audit yourself. It's a cycle breakers audit, like I promised you from the beginning. Five steps. So get a pen, write them down. I want you doing this today, not next week, not when you feel ready because your body will never feel ready. Your internal nervous system will never feel ready. So before I give you the five, I want to remind you what holds the whole thing up because if you're new to this show.
• 8:38
  you need to hear it. And if you've been here a while, you need to hear it again. TLC, the foundation.
• 8:46
  Everything sits on these three legs, the training, the learning, the coaching, and the counseling. Train the mind and body daily, non-negotiable. Not because the body is the point, because a noisy mind cannot audit anything. You cannot hear the kid in your chest if your nervous system is screaming, if you're constantly in survival mode. You cannot see the pattern if you sit still. Train your mind and body, and you do that through just getting to the gym and sweating,
• 9:13
  or going outside and sweating, and then do some meditation. 10 minutes, go on YouTube, it's free. Learn. Learning is the input. Books, podcasts, this show, other shows. The learn step is the most people skip. And they skip it because ego tells them they already know. Why do we shower every day? Because they work and it needs repetition.
• 9:36
  So if you listen to this and you're not also reading, not also studying, not also taking information from people further down the road than you, your audit is too shallow. You can't audit what you don't have the language for. So read and listen to podcasts. Very simple. Podcasts are free. They're all over. Decide who you like. And reading.
• 9:56
  You can get 20 bucks, you get a book a week, a lesson, you can go to the library, you can check it out for free. So train the mind and body, learn, feed the mind. Coaching and counsel is the witness. And this is the one I want you to circle on the page. Coach is for the visible stuff, the goals, the strategy, the moves. He or she will hold you accountable as well. The counseling or therapy is for the blind spots, the patterns you can't see because you're inside them.
• 10:24
  You need both, coaching and counseling, not one, both. And your insurance covers the counseling, and you could probably find coaches at no cost. But most of you make money who watch this show, so pay the money. It's the best. You spend money investing on you, you will get it back 10x. It's the best investment you'll ever do. I tried this alone for 40 years. It doesn't work.
• 10:53
  You cannot audit the room you're standing in. You need someone outside the room. Now, here's the five steps. Very, very simple. You got your pen out. You guys ready? Name the pattern you defend. The toxic pattern is the one you defend. It's not the one you hide. The one you hide, you already know about. The one you defend is the one that your identity wrapped around. Ask yourself this question. Write it down. The answer that comes to mind, what do I brag about that I actually might be using to cover something up?
• 11:24
  I've heard it all before. Could be the work ethic. I outwork everybody. Could be generosity. I'm always the one who pays. Loyalty. I never leave. Self-reliance. I don't need anybody. Achievement. I always hit the goal. A sobriety streak. A reading goal. A revenue number. Body fat percentage. Hours worked. Calls made. I also hear this one. That's just the way I am. If you're saying that's just the way I am, there's your pattern.
• 11:53
  If you can't figure out the pattern, just go audit your past several relationships and interactions. You will notice a pattern. The pattern is not the activity. The pattern is the charge underneath the activity. The activity might be neutral. Most things are neutral. The charge tells you whether you're free or whether you're in a bind. Okay.
• 12:14
  If you miss one day, how would you feel? If the answer is disappointed, you're free. If the answer is, I would not be able to look at myself, you're bound. That's the pattern. Step two, find the verdict underneath.
• 12:28
  Every pattern is a defense against the sentence you're absorbed early. Some version of it, I'm not enough. I'm not safe. I'm not lovable. I will be abandoned. I'm too much. I am bad. Something is wrong with me. Pick the one that makes you flinch. And that's yours. You'll feel it all in your stomach. That pattern is the proof.
• 12:49
  You've been building against the sentence. Every rep, every dollar, every accomplishment, every late night is evidence in a trial that ended 40 years ago for me. And it didn't get the verdict till now that I'm sharing it with you. For me, the sentence was, you're not enough. I keep saying it. And 555 workouts was my closing argument.
• 13:10
  Yours is in there. You know what it is. The body knows before the mind admits it. Sit with the question. Don't move on until you can write the sentence down. This step is the most uncomfortable. We tend to lie to ourselves. We deny it. Stay in it. The discomfort is the work. It's like working out, man. You got to rip those muscles and tear them in pain to grow. That's how you know you're growing. That's how you know you're working. It's pain.
• 13:36
  Painful. Step three is audit the cost, not the output. This is the step almost nobody does. Everybody measures the output. I hit the goal. I did my 500 workouts. I made the money. I ran the miles. I closed the deal. That's fine. But nobody measures the cost. Pull out the pattern from step one and write down what it has cost you in five categories. Sleep in your nervous system.
• 14:03
  Can you sit still? Can you fall asleep without scrolling? Does your body know how to come down? Do you have to sleep with a sleeping pill, melatonin, maybe some cannabis? Number two is your presence. When you're with people you love, are you actually with them or are you mentally on to the next thing? Number three in your relationships. Who have you chosen and what does that say about what you believe you deserve?
• 14:30
  Number four, joy. When was the last time you felt something good without immediately turning into content or a lesson? That one is straight up for me. I literally, I'm literally laughing at myself because that is so me. Fifth step is the kid in your chest. Does the part of you that has been waiting his whole life to be seen feel any closer to being seen?
• 14:58
  the output is loud and the cost cost is silent the cost is the truth it is misalignment it is regret for me the 555 workouts look like a win on instagram people loved it can't believe i did it cost was a man who could not rest could not sit still could not be present could not take a break and we'll still was still trying to earn the right to be enough the output was a number 555
• 15:28
  I'm going to say this one slow. You cannot audit the room you're still standing in. You cannot. I cannot. Nobody can. The pattern is a wallpaper of your life. You don't see it because it is the room. What do they say? You can't see the outside of a box when you're inside of it. For me, it took two, a strategic and identity coach for visible stuff, an IFS practitioner for the kid in my chest. Both, not one, both.
• 15:54
  You will resist this step. Your ego will resist this step. The pattern itself will resist this step. Because the pattern survives by staying invisible and hidden. The moment you witness it, the pattern starts to dissolve immediately. And the pattern does not want to dissolve. The pattern thinks it's keeping you alive. It thinks it's protecting you. It needs to be integrated.
• 16:21
  It kept you alive when you were eight. It's been killing you slowly ever since you turned 18. Oh, man. That one hurt. If you take one thing from this episode, one thing, let it be find your witness this week. This week, man. Text somebody. Book the call. DM me if you don't know where to start. I'll point you in the direction. This step is so important.
• 16:48
  Number five, rewire by feel, not by goal. Here's where every high achiever blows it, especially me. You're going to do this audit. You're going to see the pattern. You're going to name the verdict.
• 17:02
  You're going to feel the cost. You're going to find the witness. And then because you are who you are, the next move is going to be, okay, what's the new goal? Don't. Do not set a new goal. Do not build a new system to prove the audit work. Do not pivot from the 555 workouts to 555 meditation. Same engine, different gauge. The pattern wins. Guys, this year, I don't even keep track to my workouts. I still go a lot, but I'm definitely not doing two-a-days.
• 17:30
  The rewire does not happen by setting a better goal. The rewire happens in the silence between the old pattern and the new one and by making a choice to change. I made a conscious choice because I can't unsee the operating system that I was operating from last year. Sure, I finished the workouts. I was in tremendous physical shape, but it came at a major cost in my mind.
• 17:56
  And then now that I've surrendered and I talk to God more, I'm honoring the feeling in my body. I don't feel in shambles. And oddly, I feel like things are falling into place. That's the signal. That's how you know it's working. The cycle breaker does not feel triumphant. He feels disoriented. I've been there. The old operating system is offline.
• 18:19
  And the new one hasn't fully rebooted. That's not regression. That's to rewire happening in real time. Keep in mind, if anything automated, is the old operating system still working? Anyone who tells you healing feels clean is selling you something. Shambles is the correct feeling. Sit in it.
• 18:40
  The pain, feeling is healing. Healing is hard. It is nasty. It sucks. That's why most won't. But you, Honor the Life Nation, will. I just said this. I just posted it. Heal yourself. Heal the world.
• 18:59
  Let's freaking go. I love that. This is where I am right now. I want to tell you where I'm at when I'm recording this because I'm not standing on the other side of the work telling you what it looks like from the mountain. I'm in it today, this week. I'm not setting a goal for this year. I train, I move my body, I take care of it. But I'm not counting. I'm not chasing, I'm not building a closing argument for a trial that ended decades ago. I sit multiple times a day
• 19:25
  with that kid in my chest multiple times a day. And I tell him he doesn't have to earn anything today. He doesn't have to be useful. He doesn't have to produce. He just gets to be there with me. Some days that feels like freedom. But most days, until very recently...
• 19:46
  It feels like anxiety because I'm rewiring my system, guys. Both are doing the work. The man I'm becoming on the other side of this is closer than the calendar suggests. They say the night is darkest just before dawn. And in the last month, it's been a doozy. That's the proof I'm offering you. Not a finished story. A man in the middle of one telling you the truth on tape so that the part of you doing the same thing has permission to stop pretending.
• 20:16
  If something got named in you while I was talking, a pattern, a sentence, a cost, you've been ignoring. A kid in your chest, you've been out running. That's not a coincidence, man. God put you listening to this show today for a reason. That's the work, knocking on the door from the inside. You have a choice in the next 60 seconds, man. You can either close the episode, tell yourself that was a good one, and go right back to the pattern. Or you can do three things today.
• 20:41
  Number one, write down the pattern you defend one sentence and name it. Number two is write down the verdict underneath it. The sentence you absorbed before you could read. It's more than likely the excuse that you make of why you do it. The thing, the pattern has been trying to disapprove your entire life. Number three, reach for that witness this week.
• 21:00
  If you have one, already booked a session. If you don't have one, find one. That's the coaching or counseling we talked about earlier. Therapist, coach, IFS practitioner, mentor, somebody outside the room. More than likely not in your friend circle. This is not optional. And I want to hear for you YouTubers, the people who watch us on YouTube, in the comments, one sentence, no essay, no backstory. What is the one pattern in your life you defend as a strength that you suspect might actually be a wound?
• 21:29
  What is the one pattern in your life that you defend as a strength that you suspect might actually be a wound? Just name it. That's the step one of your own audit. And you just did it in our comments in front of the HTL Nation, which means you cannot unsee it because the Internet lives forever. I read the comments. I respond to them. If you drop yours, I'll meet you there. Remember, the most dangerous patterns are the ones you're proud of. 555 workouts.
• 21:57
  Audit yours. Get a witness. Rewrite by feeling, healing, not by the output of a goal. This is Harder Than Life and I'll see you next Thursday.
• 22:11
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.