Latest / The Habit Lab / Friendship Files #6: Boundaries That Protect Connection

Transcript

Friendship Files #6: Boundaries That Protect Connection · The Habit Lab

1:08
SPEAKER_00: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
1:12
SPEAKER_00: So join me, Jenna Zint, habit coach, teacher, and follower of Jesus, as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
1:23
SPEAKER_00: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
1:30
SPEAKER_00: Hello, welcome to Habit Lab.
1:32
SPEAKER_00: I'm Jenna Zint.
1:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm very excited about this episode.
1:35
SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be Friendship Files, the sixth one.
1:38
SPEAKER_00: Um and it's about boundaries, which is great.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: I feel real passionate about boundaries.
1:45
SPEAKER_00: But before I jump in, uh I just wanted to catch you guys up.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: I just got back from Oklahoma.
1:50
SPEAKER_00: Shout out to my new, newly acquired Oklahoman Omahomian, maybe?
1:57
SPEAKER_00: Are you my Oklahomies?
2:00
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I hope that's a thing.
2:02
SPEAKER_00: In the moment, I'm gonna give myself credit for thinking of that, but there's no way no one else is that that I'm sure that's a thing.
2:07
SPEAKER_00: So shout out to my newly acquired Oklahomies.
2:10
SPEAKER_00: Um, it was so wonderful meeting you guys.
2:12
SPEAKER_00: Uh, and then two, the other big announcement is for the first time in over a year and a half, I'm actually offering my habit mastery course live.
2:19
SPEAKER_00: It's a 10-week course.
2:20
SPEAKER_00: It's the one that started literally everything I had felt like I was into for a season, and now I'm I'm literally doing it because I miss it and I love it.
2:28
SPEAKER_00: I'm hoping people join me because that needs to, you know, have that happen too.
2:33
SPEAKER_00: But like I personally miss it.
2:34
SPEAKER_00: And then I have alumni who help me facilitate the small group component on the live course.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: And I have, I think like six of them are on.
2:42
SPEAKER_00: This, some of them have done it with me like five or six times because we all just get something new out of it, out of it.
2:47
SPEAKER_00: It's like the Holy Spirit highlights something else.
2:49
SPEAKER_00: But if you feel stuck in an area, the 10-week habit lab mastery course, we go through six different happens, habit focuses.
2:55
SPEAKER_00: So we do morning routine, relationships, um, self or nutrition, which would, you know, maybe food stuff, money, um, ditching unhelpful habits, environmental habits would be your house.
3:09
SPEAKER_00: So those six main areas.
3:10
SPEAKER_00: It's 10 weeks.
3:12
SPEAKER_00: Each class, we do a live Zoom call.
3:14
SPEAKER_00: We do have people who watch it after the fact because they're international.
3:17
SPEAKER_00: You're welcome to do both.
3:18
SPEAKER_00: I do a teaching, I have a slideshow, and then we do um a activation participation for 20 minutes, and then we do a small group for 20 minutes-ish, and that's the whole call.
3:27
SPEAKER_00: And then there's homework every week and a private Facebook group.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: It's$2.99.
3:32
SPEAKER_00: The link is in my show notes.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: I have not done this in a year and a half.
3:35
SPEAKER_00: We're starting March 24th.
3:37
SPEAKER_00: It's Tuesday mornings 9 to 10:30 a.m.
3:40
SPEAKER_00: California time.
3:41
SPEAKER_00: So more info to come, but just wanted you to hear that.
3:44
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna jump into today's less today's lesson.
3:47
SPEAKER_00: I don't know, it sounds like a teacher.
3:50
SPEAKER_00: I feel very dubious that I'm gonna get through this.
3:53
SPEAKER_00: There's times where I start and sit down and I'm like, okay, that's gonna be a 30-minute podcast, but I have so much to say about boundaries.
4:00
SPEAKER_00: Frankly, I just need to commit to myself that I'm gonna do a series, a follow-up series.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: Because I think I have nine pages for this episode alone.
4:10
SPEAKER_00: As I said it, I was like, wow, girl, that is, you know that's not right.
4:15
SPEAKER_00: This is not gonna happen.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: Here's my idealism being like, and I need to say that.
4:19
SPEAKER_00: So I'm probably gonna edit as I go a bit to be like, okay, it needs to be a separate, a separate um podcast episode.
4:24
SPEAKER_00: But one of the reasons I feel so passionate about boundaries is one, I think a lot I didn't have them before, so I grew into having them.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: But I think people who don't have them and find them often get stuck in like almost a toddler finding their no for the first time, and they get too self-protective with them.
4:44
SPEAKER_00: But I think growth past that.
4:46
SPEAKER_00: So I hope my perspective is like it's been the last like decade.
4:49
SPEAKER_00: So maybe the first decade was learning how to use them or so, and then the last decade is more nuanced, maturing into not having them as a no, as a hammer where you hit everybody in the head with your boundaries because you learn how to do it, but it's like um a paintbrush, like a really fine paintbrush that some an artist would use to add the details to a face or something like that.
5:08
SPEAKER_00: Like, so that's the difference of how I see it.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: Um, and the reason we're talking about this in number, if you remember the last episode, number five, was get a diverse, more diverse table.
5:19
SPEAKER_00: Well, if you're going to do that, that's why we're talking about boundaries on number six.
5:24
SPEAKER_00: Because if there's gonna be more people at your table, like a bigger table, because we're meant to live relationally, like there's not missions and friends, it's like all the same pot, kind of like everyone's a target of love for you.
5:37
SPEAKER_00: If you change that mindset about friendship, and then you need almost like an unending table, not need, but the reality is since we're limited capacity beings, which means we cannot make more than 24 hours in the day.
5:47
SPEAKER_00: I heard this line once you have to be comfortable and not feel like you're failing or be annoyed at other people when you reach your capacity, how many hours you can have in the day, because you're finite on purpose, and God's not annoyed or surprised by your limits to your capability, sorry to sorry, to your capacity, your limits to time.
6:05
SPEAKER_00: Therefore, we shouldn't either.
6:07
SPEAKER_00: It's like we're offended at something he literally made in us.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: It's part of our difference between him and me, you know, like him and us, which I think that was a really big helpful epiphany of like, okay, that's why actually where I need boundaries, is because I do have limits and I need to understand it and be and sync up with God where my limits are for different people in different seasons.
6:28
SPEAKER_00: There's so many nuances that I think people lose when they try to apply boundaries, it's almost like this one size fits all to everybody in every season.
6:36
SPEAKER_00: And it's like, oh no, it's not like that at all, actually.
6:39
SPEAKER_00: Um, and then the other thing I was gonna say that the perspective shift is um instead of boundaries keeping people out or creating distance, I actually think they're meant to protect connection.
6:56
SPEAKER_00: So I know that that sounds not too crazy of an edit, but I think a lot of times we use them to create distance where verse I think of it like if someone like I think of a patient and a hospital, if they're flatlining, they put them on life support so that there's a chance for their body to catch up and maybe like it's protecting life, it's not to limit them to keep them, you know, in bed.
7:21
SPEAKER_00: And I think of boundaries like that.
7:22
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, actually the goal is to protect life.
7:25
SPEAKER_00: It's like life support, not punitive.
7:27
SPEAKER_00: And I think we get that wrong in our application or even our heart posture sometimes.
7:32
SPEAKER_00: So it's like, oh, that's like a huge shift for me if boundaries are meant to protect connection, not create distance.
7:39
SPEAKER_00: It's either protecting connection or self-protection.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: And I think like the nuance is where we get it off a lot.
7:45
SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, if you need boundaries because if everyone, if you're diversifying your table, everyone's gonna get a seat.
7:50
SPEAKER_00: Not everyone can have the same seat.
7:53
SPEAKER_00: Maybe the seat looks different, maybe their closeness to you looks different, maybe it shifts in different seasons.
7:58
SPEAKER_00: Like there's so much nuance here.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: So, and I think too, what I think about it, boundaries, like another perspective, we'll just get into the meat of it.
8:06
SPEAKER_00: I think I think of your need to edit your boundaries is almost like editing your generosity.
8:11
SPEAKER_00: Like, if we're thinking about being generous with how you show up in life, with your time, with your energy, with your money, with your love, with your attention, with how you hold people in your their heart.
8:22
SPEAKER_00: Like, if you're gonna live like as a blanket statement generously, you need boundaries are like the edits to make that generosity sustainable.
8:32
SPEAKER_00: And that's why I see people miss it is when they don't have boundaries, they get burnt out and then they get bitter at other people because usually they're taking from them versus them realizing that it is their own job to manage themselves, be aware of their capacity and limitations, and do it softly and kindly in a way that protects love and is sustainable for the long haul, you know?
8:52
SPEAKER_00: I actually think that would be probably the edit I'd like you to think about instead of thinking about like boundaries like walls.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: Almost think of it more like habit coaching on that mindset.
9:00
SPEAKER_00: If we put on like our habit coach mindset, one of the most important things that we do in life is editing our habits so they're sustainable.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: I had a really great habit coaching this morning, and it was like, okay, that's what you used to do.
9:12
SPEAKER_00: You're not in that season, you're in a new job.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: Let's take that information and edit it and tailor it back to actually fit this real season you're in right now.
9:19
SPEAKER_00: And I think um we like, yep, that makes sense.
9:22
SPEAKER_00: Like, so maybe when you're single, your ability to work out would be totally different than you're a mom with three kids.
9:28
SPEAKER_00: So you're not gonna think that habit for that season would apply and work for this season.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: It would be obviously like too big, too draining, unrealistic.
9:35
SPEAKER_00: And then you could start it, but it would collapse.
9:37
SPEAKER_00: It would be unsustainable.
9:38
SPEAKER_00: So we know that we have to adjust our habits to match the season, right?
9:42
SPEAKER_00: We shrink them or we change the timing or we tweak the rhythm because the goal isn't just perfection.
9:48
SPEAKER_00: The goal is actually, like we say all the time, like change that lasts.
9:51
SPEAKER_00: We want longevity, we want endurance, we don't want overnight overhauls or flash in the pan success.
9:57
SPEAKER_00: We want fruit that remains.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: And I like to, so in that mindset of thinking about how we expect that we have to change our habits as their seasons shift.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: I think boundaries work a really same similar way in relationships.
10:09
SPEAKER_00: Boundary, you're going to have to edit like boundaries are like editing a habit.
10:13
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
10:14
SPEAKER_00: So in the same way that we have to edit habits for say uh sustainability in our current season, we sometimes need to edit our generosity and relational output.
10:24
SPEAKER_00: Those are the two things I think about.
10:26
SPEAKER_00: What um boundaries protect, you know?
10:28
SPEAKER_00: But it's almost like their habit, your habits.
10:31
SPEAKER_00: What if you actually, ooh, that's good.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: What if you thought about boundaries as your habits of relational output and your habit of generosity output?
10:41
SPEAKER_00: And the awareness is you need to edit those, those boundaries, those generous habits and the relational output habits so that they don't collapse under resentment.
10:50
SPEAKER_00: Because that's actually my telltale sign.
10:52
SPEAKER_00: Like, remember Jeff Foxworthy, there's your sign.
10:55
SPEAKER_00: Or you're you might be a redneck if shout out to the 90s.
10:59
SPEAKER_00: I know a lot of you probably weren't alive then, but it was this joke.
11:02
SPEAKER_00: It was like, here's your sign.
11:03
SPEAKER_00: If you want to know you're a redneck, if you've ever done this, you're a redneck.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: And I think of it the same way like, if you want to know if you have a boundary problem, if resentment keeps popping up, you got a boundary problem.
11:12
SPEAKER_00: If bitterness keeps popping up, you got a boundary problem.
11:15
SPEAKER_00: If offense keeps popping up, you probably got a boundary problem.
11:19
SPEAKER_00: So there's your sign.
11:20
SPEAKER_00: Uh, but the goal, again, is so that we edit our generosity and our relational output so it doesn't collapse under the weight of resentment.
11:29
SPEAKER_00: Because the reality, I kind of think of it like a bank account.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: When our generosity or relational output exceeds what we have in the bank.
11:37
SPEAKER_00: So if we write a check for$100 for a relational output with someone and we only have$90 in the bank, there's gonna we are overdrawing our account.
11:48
SPEAKER_00: That means we're like exceeding our capacity.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: Remember how we talked about being okay with being finite means?
11:53
SPEAKER_00: We've exceeded our um limitations, and eventually resentment shows up if we keep overdrawing that account.
12:01
SPEAKER_00: And I think, which we all know, like resentment for sure quietly shuts down love.
12:07
SPEAKER_00: But I think where we get it wrong sometimes is we look at other people and think you're making me resentful, or how dare you ask, or show up this way.
12:14
SPEAKER_00: But I'm like, that is not that's powerless thinking.
12:18
SPEAKER_00: Where I'm like, if we're in ownership mode of what are we gonna do about it, because I always think back to it's my heart that resentment, like a weed, keeps popping up, and it's actually my the soil of my heart that offense is happening.
12:29
SPEAKER_00: This is a me problem.
12:30
SPEAKER_00: I don't, I care less about what they're doing and care more about figuring out the boundary at which I protect my like my heart doesn't have to weed out resentment.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: Oh, great, I figured this out.
14:28
SPEAKER_00: This is the right boundary that I'm in a relationship with you, and resentment doesn't keep happening because that is a hundred percent on me, like ownership-wise.
14:35
SPEAKER_00: So, again, if you're gonna widen your table, if you're gonna diversify it, you're gonna have to be wiser with your boundaries.
14:41
SPEAKER_00: I think a bigger table requires us to be wiser with generosity habits, like we said, and relational output habits.
14:48
SPEAKER_00: Um gosh, inviting people who are different than you, they're gonna some people are gonna be more needy than you, some people are gonna be messier than you, some people are gonna be more forward and ask for things, some people are gonna be less forward and make you hope that you guess what they need or what they're hoping for, and then be mad and either tell you when you failed them that you didn't know on vocalized expectation, or um, if they don't tell you, then they punish you with silent treatment.
15:16
SPEAKER_00: Like when you get a bigger table and people are different than you, messes are made, especially because they're not probably gonna be your natural compatibility match, which is great, you're doing it well.
15:27
SPEAKER_00: Your tables look like Jesus if they're not your natural compatibility match.
15:31
SPEAKER_00: But like when you do have those people at the table that are different than you, your table's growing, expectations on you grow, needs from other people grow, request on your behalf, whether it's some level of generosity.
15:46
SPEAKER_00: Can I when we say generosity, I don't want you to pigeonhole it to finances or money.
15:52
SPEAKER_00: I want you to think attention, time, heart, resources, invitations, inclusion.
16:00
SPEAKER_00: I think of it like that as generosity.
16:02
SPEAKER_00: You can be generous with all of those things in a nuanced way.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: So as your table grows, you're gonna get more requests for those.
16:08
SPEAKER_00: There's gonna be more misunderstandings when requests are made and you don't have that to give or whatever.
16:13
SPEAKER_00: It just increases.
16:14
SPEAKER_00: But what was a huge shift for me, which I realized one of the reasons my table was stuck at a certain size, was because I was afraid of these conversations and afraid of this mess.
16:24
SPEAKER_00: It's like they're gonna it almost felt like I was a buffet and anyone could pull.
16:29
SPEAKER_00: If I let them in my restaurant, they can, they, there was no limits to how many times they could go through the buffet.
16:34
SPEAKER_00: So the more people I left let in, it was like, oh, I'm gonna be depleted because there's no limits.
16:38
SPEAKER_00: But it wasn't until I actually had this like paramount shift on my perspective on boundaries being my edits needed an essential and protecting connection, not punishing, did I realize, like, oh, everybody can come into my restaurant.
16:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna tell them what order they get a plate, when they can go, how many plates they can get.
16:55
SPEAKER_00: Are they allowed to go to the salad bar?
16:57
SPEAKER_00: Or did they only am I only giving them access to the dessert table, the dessert buffet, as I'm saying this, makes me kind of sentimental to miss buffets from my childhoods.
17:07
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if anyone else had a golden corral growing up, but I'm man, my kids have not had the luxury of a buffet.
17:13
SPEAKER_00: Though next year, my husband's um company is at this phenomenal, generous company.
17:19
SPEAKER_00: Shout out to Compass in Reading, California.
17:21
SPEAKER_00: And Aaron's been with them for 20 years, so they're gifting us with a family trip to an all-inclusive resort at some point in 2027.
17:29
SPEAKER_00: And my kids will get to experience the glory of a good old-fashioned mediocre buffet.
17:36
SPEAKER_00: All the desserts that look awesome, but really you're like, how does this chocolate one taste the same as that terramisu?
17:42
SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, I'm cracking myself up here, but you know you've experienced that with a buffet.
17:46
SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, when my table was widening, if I expected it like I had a buffet with no limits, I felt stressed, and that's why I didn't let more people at my table because I was like, they'll bankrupt me.
17:54
SPEAKER_00: But it wasn't until I got into the powerful seat of like, yes, you can come in, but yes, what seat you get, how much you get is absolutely different.
18:01
SPEAKER_00: That is not favoritism.
18:03
SPEAKER_00: That's the only way that I could be open to anyone at my table, is if I also am strategic with partnering.
18:09
SPEAKER_00: And it's not even what triggers me that that's not where I get nuanced with what boundary I have have.
18:15
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, ask the Lord.
18:16
SPEAKER_00: I think you guys, uh, if you struggle with over-responsibility, I did a three-part series earlier in my pretty, I think maybe a year or two ago.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: And my real simple question when there's a new person at my table and it's bigger and they have a need, is I just ask, what's mine to give and what's mine not to?
18:31
SPEAKER_00: Rather than request equals direct withdrawal from my account.
18:36
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they submit a request and then I take it and sit with the Lord.
18:39
SPEAKER_00: What part of this is mine?
18:40
SPEAKER_00: What part of it's yours?
18:41
SPEAKER_00: Do I buy them groceries or do I buy them a rotisserie chicken?
18:47
SPEAKER_00: Is it not, is it a yes right now?
18:48
SPEAKER_00: Is it a no?
18:49
SPEAKER_00: Like, and to me, I'm like, oh, that's like when you watch, and partly where this came from for me with this question is watching Jesus in the Gospels when he'd minister to people, he did not, everyone had a seat at his table.
19:00
SPEAKER_00: Like, again, diversifying tables.
19:02
SPEAKER_00: This idea came from him.
19:04
SPEAKER_00: How he lived the blueprint of his life.
19:06
SPEAKER_00: But what you'll notice is he didn't invite everyone, not everyone got the invite to be a disciple, not everyone got the invite to be one of his three favorite ones.
19:14
SPEAKER_00: Not everybody, even what I love, even more nuanced, is like when he'd heal or minister to people and they'd be like, Rabbi, you're the best.
19:21
SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
19:22
SPEAKER_00: You changed my whole life.
19:23
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna follow you.
19:24
SPEAKER_00: And he was like, Oh, I love that.
19:26
SPEAKER_00: I love your heart.
19:27
SPEAKER_00: You're gonna stay here and don't tell anyone.
19:29
SPEAKER_00: And they're like, Wait, what?
19:31
SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, like I'm pledging my allegiance.
19:33
SPEAKER_00: He's like, 100%.
19:35
SPEAKER_00: Go back to your village.
19:36
SPEAKER_00: He's like, What?
19:37
SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, it makes me laugh sometimes when I I've seen some.
19:41
SPEAKER_00: Oh gosh, laugh is probably probably not the best way to say it because that's probably more mocking.
19:46
SPEAKER_00: But I see some concepts when people are like, boundaries aren't gospel.
19:51
SPEAKER_00: And I think what they're thinking that what they mean more is the idea of like inmature boundaries.
19:56
SPEAKER_00: Like I said, when a toddler gets a no, learns the no and everything's a no, that is probably not the gospel because that's like self-protection.
20:04
SPEAKER_00: And but I think maturing past it to be like, oh, Jesus absolutely had a spot for everybody at his table, and he absolutely had boundaries with what spot they got, when they got it, what they were invited into.
20:18
SPEAKER_00: So um, yeah.
20:20
SPEAKER_00: So as we're getting this bigger table, we have to learn how to edit our generosity because widening our table will lead to burnout if you don't if you don't grow in your skill to self-manage this.
20:31
SPEAKER_00: And healthy boundaries are not shrinking your table, they're about keeping your heart healthy enough to keep the table open.
20:37
SPEAKER_00: Oh, I'm gonna say that again.
20:39
SPEAKER_00: I forgot that was there.
20:41
SPEAKER_00: So that's great.
20:42
SPEAKER_00: They're healthy boundaries aren't about shrinking your table.
20:45
SPEAKER_00: And again, I think that's when people have said boundaries aren't gospel when they're when they're watching people misupply them in a juvenile way.
20:52
SPEAKER_00: But maturing past that, healthy boundaries actually keep your heart healthy, resentment free, while keeping the open table.
20:59
SPEAKER_00: I almost think you can't have the open table if you don't have the strategic, seasonal Holy Spirit questioned.
21:08
SPEAKER_00: Give me your thoughts and inputs.
21:09
SPEAKER_00: What's my yes meant to be?
21:11
SPEAKER_00: Boundaries.
21:12
SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, because thinking about the healthy heart, if you're gonna keep your table open, what's that proverbs uh about guarding your heart from everything you do flows from it?
21:23
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, okay.
21:24
SPEAKER_00: So again, going back to like it's not a you thing if I'm bitter because of your request.
21:28
SPEAKER_00: It's a me.
21:29
SPEAKER_00: It's a Jenna doesn't have her boundaries in the right spot thing.
21:32
SPEAKER_00: Because I had it is my job to guard my heart because bitterness is flowing out of it if I'm not guarding it well.
21:37
SPEAKER_00: So guarding your heart actually is not selfish, it's stewardship, you know?
21:41
SPEAKER_00: But I think the difference is not blaming other people, it's just being like, oh, I missed it.
21:45
SPEAKER_00: Uh, there's should have been a boundary adjustment that I missed versus you push all my boundaries.
21:49
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, no, you talk.
21:51
SPEAKER_00: Let's grow up to be like, you know, high schoolers and not elementary schoolers who are like, you made me.
21:56
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh man, I'm realizing that I think I need to shift some of my boundaries in this season because resentment keeps popping up.
22:02
SPEAKER_00: Okay, what does that look like, Holy Spirit?
22:04
SPEAKER_00: And then having that conversation.
22:05
SPEAKER_00: I think even switching our gears too, I think my next point would be people come, I think of boundaries as like a chain link fence with like barbed wire on the top, you know?
22:15
SPEAKER_00: And instead, like, what if we switch our gear to like not thinking them of like again I said self-protection, distance, punishing, but instead of that barbed wire fence, what if their boundaries were more like um, what's it called, mile markers for a trail.
22:32
SPEAKER_00: So I live on a river trail and obviously I'm following the trail, but there's not crazy.
22:38
SPEAKER_00: I go on it all the time.
22:39
SPEAKER_00: You guys know I'm kind of weirdly obsessed.
22:41
SPEAKER_00: I might have a bit of OCD tendencies with how much I walk on my trail, which I feel a little proud.
22:47
SPEAKER_00: I don't know that I've ever had OCD tendencies in my life.
22:50
SPEAKER_00: So this is growth.
22:51
SPEAKER_00: We're doing something consistent over here, anyways.
22:53
SPEAKER_00: But on that trail, there's not fences to show us where the path is, but there are every half mile, there's mile markers.
22:59
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh, what if boundaries are that showing us where we're headed, how far we've gone, how far we have left to go with our reserve, and again, thinking about your heart like a bank account, so we know that we're not overdrawing versus again barbara fence.
23:13
SPEAKER_00: So can you switch that mental image in your head?
23:16
SPEAKER_00: If you have like a chain link fence that communicates like stay out, or I'm protecting myself from you, you're the problem.
23:23
SPEAKER_00: It's so true, right?
23:25
SPEAKER_00: When you meet someone with boundaries, they're like, I have a boundary around giving people rides home from church.
23:29
SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, I have that tone.
23:30
SPEAKER_00: Let me try again.
23:31
SPEAKER_00: I have a boundary around giving people a ride home from church.
23:35
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh, okay.
23:36
SPEAKER_00: Or instead be like, oh, I'm so sorry, I can't give you a ride home for church.
23:39
SPEAKER_00: I hope it works out.
23:40
SPEAKER_00: You know, like the idea of like, I feel, I think I missed my point.
23:44
SPEAKER_00: Oh, when people say it like that, like stay out, like I have a boundary around giving people home from church.
23:48
SPEAKER_00: You you feel, I'm sure you've done this, feel like the bad guy.
23:51
SPEAKER_00: Like you almost squeeze up a little bit, like, oh no, was that too much?
23:54
SPEAKER_00: Was I wrong for asking?
23:55
SPEAKER_00: Or I stepped on something.
23:56
SPEAKER_00: I can tell what I stepped on, and there feels like a lot of energy here, but I don't, was I wrong?
24:00
SPEAKER_00: Was that too forward?
24:01
SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, the goal would not be that period people experience our boundaries like that, where they say stay out or I missed it or I'm protecting myself from you.
24:09
SPEAKER_00: Um, but again, they're like the trail markers.
24:11
SPEAKER_00: They show people like that this is where relationship goes.
24:15
SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
24:16
SPEAKER_00: Like, so if you want a relationship, I'm not going to be the chain lead fence around the side.
24:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna every half mile have a trail marker of what it looks like.
24:25
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they don't shut down boundaries, don't shut down movement, they guide it so it doesn't collapse.
24:31
SPEAKER_00: Again, thinking about I bet you can all imagine a person or a season where you didn't have the proper boundaries and you overextended yourself beyond your capacity, and then you felt bitter, whether it's because no one noticed or no one helped, or they kept expecting the same, and then you had to like you collapsed, whether you cut them out of your life or you switched churches, and I'm like, Oh, that's what I.
24:54
SPEAKER_00: Feel like the Holy Spirit wants us to get to mature past to notice them so that we switch our capacity so we don't resent.
25:00
SPEAKER_00: We don't like resentment doesn't overtake our heart, and then we collapse and have to do these dramatic all-or-nothing choices because we're so far in the deficit.
25:13
SPEAKER_00: Boundaries don't say you can't be in my life.
25:16
SPEAKER_00: They say more, more like, here's the path that keeps this relationship healthy.
25:20
SPEAKER_00: And I think I still think, I mean, beyond that, this is still big picture.
25:25
SPEAKER_00: I actually my opinion is I think you're doing it best and most mature if you don't say my boundaries are or my boundaries, because that feels more chain-link fence verbiage, and people walk into it and they feel smarted or embarrassed, or I'm like, I actually think people should could be able to encounter your boundaries all the time and not notice because your heart is so pointing them towards something versus away from something.
25:51
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
25:52
SPEAKER_00: Offense often signals a crossed value.
25:55
SPEAKER_00: I think bitterness or resentment is like the alarm bell that you have crossed one of your values.
26:02
SPEAKER_00: And again, when people get offended, it's easy to assume other people are the problem, but really, probably a value of your own life and your or your own heart got crossed.
26:11
SPEAKER_00: So it could be a value for rest or time or equitableness, you know, like reciprocation or mutual effort or emotional capacity.
26:22
SPEAKER_00: But instead of noticing when maybe like the first couple times we're overdrawing in one of these areas, it's like we wait until it's too far gone.
26:34
SPEAKER_00: So I think growth for you could be looking like addressing it early instead of saying yes 10 times, and then the 11th time is like, I can't be in a relationship with you anymore.
26:45
SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you guys have been on the other end of the fence where sometimes people are like, I've had, I was trying to think of the most recent one, it's been a bit, but I've had sometimes people be like, I don't think I can be in your life in this season.
26:55
SPEAKER_00: And you're like, what?
26:56
SPEAKER_00: Like, and then you find out, actually, I would say the best example is as an employer, we would have I would have people when I owned my Etsy shop, I had up to like 20 people that were were employed by me at one point at one time.
27:10
SPEAKER_00: Um, I think we averaged around 12 employees for a couple years.
27:14
SPEAKER_00: But if they quit out of the blue, usually this is what was happening.
27:19
SPEAKER_00: Something was building up, they weren't happy, but instead of me knowing it, I was blindsided by it.
27:24
SPEAKER_00: And I was so sad and bummed and sometimes a little angry.
27:28
SPEAKER_00: So I actually started telling my employees up front, like, hey, please, if something's off, whether you're not enjoying your job, whether there's a pain point, whether you just want to do something different, whether you think you're moving, the more you could be clear and up front as that is increasing, I feel I would feel safer.
27:45
SPEAKER_00: I won't punish you.
27:46
SPEAKER_00: I feel sadder and I lose some trust when people don't include me as that's mounting.
27:50
SPEAKER_00: So your point for you is you've probably been on the other end of a what feels like a sudden choice or get cut out or an intense thing.
27:57
SPEAKER_00: And it's probably because the person did not catch it early enough to have cough softer, lower stakes conversation.
28:03
SPEAKER_00: It's months of resentment peer, or they've made the decision silently, and you're like, oh, I would have loved to know.
28:09
SPEAKER_00: Like I would have totally course corrected.
28:11
SPEAKER_00: I remember one employee, I was like, she it was more of if we had been able to give her some some flexibility, she would have stayed.
28:18
SPEAKER_00: But she had already gotten a new job and quit.
28:20
SPEAKER_00: And I felt so bummed.
28:21
SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, I could have given you that, but you didn't even, she didn't ask.
28:25
SPEAKER_00: So now we're stuck at a spot where we're at an impasse and she's already made her next step.
28:28
SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, okay, I want you to notice that as values are getting crossed instead of waiting till you've made your decision and cutting people out.
28:35
SPEAKER_00: I mean, cutting people out is probably still dramatic, but like I consider it dishonest with myself if it's happened a few times and I haven't made some boundary edits.
28:43
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, I'm giving a dishonest yes, or even participating without saying something or like or suggesting an edit back feels like disingenuous now.
28:56
SPEAKER_00: What is that scripture?
28:57
SPEAKER_00: Matthews, it's like, oh wait, I wrote it down.
28:59
SPEAKER_00: Matthew 3, 7, let your yes be yes and your no be yo.
29:03
SPEAKER_00: No.
29:05
SPEAKER_00: It's yeah, just be honest with if it's a yes or a no in your capacity.
29:10
SPEAKER_00: And a lot of times people hate disappointing people or who will do it if I don't.
29:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, that's actually not your question.
29:15
SPEAKER_00: You're kind of lurking in over-responsibility territory if that's kind of tripping you up.
29:19
SPEAKER_00: So um, instead of thinking of boundaries as rejection, I think of them as honest edits.
29:25
SPEAKER_00: Like they're edits to my yes.
29:27
SPEAKER_00: Like, so everyone can have a seat at the table, not everyone has the same seat.
29:30
SPEAKER_00: Some sit close, some sit far away.
29:32
SPEAKER_00: So instead of maybe, I don't know, I'm trying to think of like a soft edit.
29:37
SPEAKER_00: So maybe you've been talking to someone, a new person's in your life, and either their life's on fire or it's front, and you talk every night.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna make up something.
29:45
SPEAKER_00: Or you talk every day for 30 minutes for the first two weeks, and then you need a little space, or it's a little different, like your life shifts, or the thing that was maybe it was on fire isn't anymore, but the expectation is like, oh, we talk every day for 30 minutes.
29:58
SPEAKER_00: It could be like if you try to shift it and they're disappointed, or they keep calling you, like maybe we don't verbalize these things.
30:05
SPEAKER_00: Um people don't pick up on them, so they try to go back to it.
30:09
SPEAKER_00: So then you think, oh, what I hear a lot is I tried to shift my boundary, but they didn't respect it.
30:13
SPEAKER_00: And I think the myth I would like to bust in that scenario is actually no one cannot respond, respect your boundaries.
30:20
SPEAKER_00: You actually let them not you don't follow through with keeping them.
30:27
SPEAKER_00: It'd be like my kids, my son, seven, my seven-year-old, asks weekly if he can have ice cream instead of dinner.
30:35
SPEAKER_00: I think I've probably said this on the podcast, still true.
30:38
SPEAKER_00: But if he he asks every week, and I I say no, but if he then I if he asked so much and he was so upset and I was moved by his mood or his fit, because it's not a polite, yes, and that's kind of the thing, is usually when people quote unquote push our boundaries, they don't um they push our boundaries, but they cannot cross over them.
30:57
SPEAKER_00: That's like a me participating.
30:59
SPEAKER_00: So if I were to dish him up ice cream and be bitter, that would be me not staying consistent with my own boundaries.
31:05
SPEAKER_00: That is not my son not respecting my boundaries.
31:08
SPEAKER_00: When I am complicit and my behavior contradicts my words because either I'm motivated or annoyed by their fit or reaction, let's just say reaction, that's still a me thing.
31:19
SPEAKER_00: So I think this awareness of like own it, people can't blow past your boundaries without you most of the time.
31:27
SPEAKER_00: Like, even if they call you, you're like, hey, we're not gonna call every night, don't answer.
31:30
SPEAKER_00: That would be that would be the version of, oh, he'll get it eventually.
31:34
SPEAKER_00: You don't answer, you answer the third time, they'll understand.
31:37
SPEAKER_00: But if you answer every time you're like, I told you not to call, I'm like, you're actually being complicit and breaking your own boundaries.
31:43
SPEAKER_00: Um, so some examples of edits to your guests.
31:45
SPEAKER_00: So instead of being like, I can't be friends, or this is over, we're done.
31:49
SPEAKER_00: Um, maybe like, I can't talk for 30 minutes every night, but I'll call you on Tuesday.
31:56
SPEAKER_00: Or you know, like, and you don't even know, I don't actually always tell people what my edit is, because again, being feeling a slap in the face, I just will let them feel it.
32:04
SPEAKER_00: I think sometimes the maturity for me, I've noticed growth is they'll see that I still want connection because if it's truly going to protect connection, I'll still be consistent.
32:13
SPEAKER_00: It's just gonna look different than it either has been as I edit my yes, or what I need it to be for this season, or yeah.
32:22
SPEAKER_00: So maybe I can't host small group this month, or actually um one of our friends every May piece or bows out a small group because May's too uh busy and chaotic for her.
32:34
SPEAKER_00: So instead, she could every May feel like she's disappointing us, or we're mad at her, or she's not doing a good enough job, but instead she picked up on this rhythm and was like, I don't need to leave small group, nor do I need to force it when I would be killing myself to get there.
32:47
SPEAKER_00: What if the edit in this boundary is I skip May versus I'm in small group exactly like I am every other month, or I'm out of small group because May looks different.
32:57
SPEAKER_00: So I think that's probably the growth for most people is not getting as black or white with their edits with boundaries and thinking of small adjustments that make it an honest yes that does not dip into more of a capacity than you have to give.
33:12
SPEAKER_00: Hmm.
33:13
SPEAKER_00: Actually, I got a good scripture for this.
33:15
SPEAKER_00: Um, well, you're not rejecting relationship, you're editing the rhythm so it stays healthy, healthy.
33:19
SPEAKER_00: And in 2 Corinthians 9, 7, it says, each of you should give what you have decided to give in your heart.
33:25
SPEAKER_00: And I want you to notice the difference.
33:26
SPEAKER_00: Not what someone asks of you, not what someone has demanded of you, not what someone has assumed of you, but you have what if you give it, I think what decided in your heart, there's the ownership language and then the honesty of do you have it to give?
33:42
SPEAKER_00: Don't write a check.
33:43
SPEAKER_00: Can you imagine writing a check for the offering for your church for$10,000, knowing you had 90 bucks in your account?
33:50
SPEAKER_00: In promise, it might sound impressive, but it's gonna be embarrassing when you can't cash that check.
33:54
SPEAKER_00: And I think that's what we need to think of with our boundaries is like be honest, write checks that you can cash with your capacity.
34:00
SPEAKER_00: Don't overdraw.
34:01
SPEAKER_00: There's no shame in it.
34:02
SPEAKER_00: It's helpful, it's kinder to people.
34:04
SPEAKER_00: Like, kindness is clarity.
34:06
SPEAKER_00: Um, okay, going with the Jeff Foxworthy analogy of you might be a redneck if I went ahead and compiled a list of 10.
34:16
SPEAKER_00: You might need a boundary if I feel very happy about this section.
34:20
SPEAKER_00: Serena, text me after you listen.
34:22
SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you're gonna smile and be like, yes, that was well placed.
34:26
SPEAKER_00: Um, you might need a boundary if.
34:28
SPEAKER_00: Okay, just want you to think.
34:29
SPEAKER_00: Remember how we said resentment is the alarm that reveals.
34:32
SPEAKER_00: Oh, actually, how about this?
34:33
SPEAKER_00: Resentment is like the snip smoke that then signals the alarm that reveals about a boundary fire.
34:40
SPEAKER_00: Uh, a lot of times we don't actually realize we need a boundary adjustment until our internal dialogue changes.
34:46
SPEAKER_00: So here is my list of you might need a boundary if it's like consider it like a little diagnostic.
34:52
SPEAKER_00: You might need a boundary edit if you think, I can't believe they asked me to do that.
34:57
SPEAKER_00: Their name pops up on your phone and you instantly feel irritated.
35:00
SPEAKER_00: Number three, you keep saying yes, but internally think, I cannot do this again.
35:06
SPEAKER_00: Number four, you're replaying speeches in your head about how much they hurt you.
35:13
SPEAKER_00: You're feeling like your generosity has become expected instead of appreciated.
35:19
SPEAKER_00: You notice how lopsided your output is.
35:23
SPEAKER_00: Like you give so much more than they.
35:25
SPEAKER_00: You're avoiding them because you're afraid you can't manage yourself like you're gonna be unkind or sharp, or you're just so annoyed you don't want to see them.
35:34
SPEAKER_00: You keep thinking, I did this last time.
35:37
SPEAKER_00: What if it happens again?
35:39
SPEAKER_00: Number eight, you feel emotionally drained after every interaction.
35:44
SPEAKER_00: I would say that the reason that's a boundary is that showing that you don't have limits on your output.
35:49
SPEAKER_00: It's just whatever comes out or whatever they want, it's a fullness versus like remember, everybody can come into the restaurant, but you control if they get a plate, how many times they can go to the buffet, if they get the dessert, the mediocre dessert bar or not.
36:01
SPEAKER_00: You're doing things, number nine, sorry, getting back to the list, number nine, you're doing things you don't actually have capacity for just to keep the peace.
36:09
SPEAKER_00: And number 10, you feel resentment growing, but you don't know how to change the pattern.
36:12
SPEAKER_00: Those are moments, they're signals that you need a habit added to your relational output.
36:20
SPEAKER_00: It is protecting connection, it's not punishing.
36:26
SPEAKER_00: Just think about it like um, oh, actually, one of the things that is helpful for me with a boundary is I don't think about it.
36:32
SPEAKER_00: I remember actually, I think this whole concept came from when my mom was little.
36:37
SPEAKER_00: She was trying to teach my dad how to parent.
36:42
SPEAKER_00: You can imagine it went over, it was received with mixed heart.
36:47
SPEAKER_00: Uh, anyways, but she was here in front of us, and I remember her saying, don't just tell them no.
36:51
SPEAKER_00: Like, don't say you can't play with that, you can't go outside, you can't, you know, no, no, no.
36:55
SPEAKER_00: She's like, instead of no, redirect them to what they can do because it's not shutting it down, it's pointing to them in the affirmative.
37:03
SPEAKER_00: So what they can do versus hyper focusing of feeling trapped or limited by the limitations.
37:08
SPEAKER_00: So that's what I think about with boundaries.
37:10
SPEAKER_00: Instead of giving people no's, offer the yes, the honest yes that you actually have.
37:16
SPEAKER_00: It's like the check account.
37:17
SPEAKER_00: Like, so don't write your your church a$10,000 check if you have$90 in your account.
37:21
SPEAKER_00: Write your church, what do you have to honestly give?
37:23
SPEAKER_00: I could give$45, and that's crazy generous, and I'll still be able to eat until my next paycheck comes in.
37:29
SPEAKER_00: You know, like that kind of mentality.
37:30
SPEAKER_00: Offer the yes you actually have to give rather than thinking about it as no's.
37:33
SPEAKER_00: So, like healthy boundaries redirect your generosity instead of shutting it down.
37:39
SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, so I think of it as a boundary edit is offering the yes you actually have.
37:45
SPEAKER_00: So, for example, like I can't help tonight, but I could help, I could come 15 minutes early next week, or um, I can't stay for the whole four-hour meeting.
37:59
SPEAKER_00: Would it be more helpful if I come for the first half or the second half?
38:03
SPEAKER_00: Or I'm so sorry, I can't go on a walk right now, or I can't pick you up.
38:10
SPEAKER_00: That sounds really hard.
38:11
SPEAKER_00: I'll definitely be praying for you.
38:13
SPEAKER_00: You know, like so what you'll notice is most of the time, like when someone's making a request and you're deciding what you have to give, both people kind of want the same thing.
38:22
SPEAKER_00: They want connection, they want support, they want care.
38:25
SPEAKER_00: So, what I like to do is affirm that we share the same goal.
38:29
SPEAKER_00: So, what I would what I mean by that is maybe someone invites me to do things, something, and I can't do the thing they invited me to, but I'm like, what's the shared goal that I can't affirm?
38:38
SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, I'd love to hang out with you.
38:40
SPEAKER_00: Man, I wish I wasn't in a season, I was in a season where I had more free fun or friend time.
38:46
SPEAKER_00: Let's circle back in April and see what it looks like.
38:49
SPEAKER_00: So, you do you notice that maybe in the past I would have been, no, it's too busy of a season.
38:54
SPEAKER_00: That's kind of more elementary with a boundary.
38:56
SPEAKER_00: Instead, affirm the mutual goal.
38:58
SPEAKER_00: That sounds so fun, or I would love to see you.
39:01
SPEAKER_00: What that doesn't mean is that it you're what you're gonna offer is different.
39:06
SPEAKER_00: It's just affirming and positive.
39:07
SPEAKER_00: It's like redirecting, and then tell them what you do have to offer.
39:11
SPEAKER_00: So a lot of times, I don't think I very rarely do I just say a no.
39:15
SPEAKER_00: I affirm it and then offer something else.
39:18
SPEAKER_00: So, like maybe my friend recently um oh, maybe someone would invite me to something and I a prayer night, and instead of I couldn't go to the prayer night, or if I tried really hard and sync a few other things, I'm like, no, and I asked the Holy Spirit, my kind of I don't think I'm supposed to move all those mountains to get there.
39:36
SPEAKER_00: So then instead of just saying no, I can't be there, I'm like, what's the affirmation?
39:39
SPEAKER_00: Okay, the underneath the same goal would be cover you in prayer.
39:43
SPEAKER_00: I can totally get behind that.
39:45
SPEAKER_00: I just can't do like my yes, can't be what you asked for.
39:48
SPEAKER_00: What I could give you is I'll send you a voice memo prayer later this week.
39:52
SPEAKER_00: Do you get it?
39:53
SPEAKER_00: Same goal.
39:54
SPEAKER_00: I want to cover you in prayer.
39:55
SPEAKER_00: Here's the edit to my yes that I I do have you to give.
39:59
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I think I'm gonna end the plane there.
40:03
SPEAKER_00: Man, I have so many more.
40:05
SPEAKER_00: I have two more pages, but it's I think we need to end it at 40 minutes to not overwhelm you.
40:09
SPEAKER_00: I will do a boundary series in the future because I have more thoughts around this, but um, I think just redirecting, I hope you're catching this, that boundaries aren't like harsh chainling fences to keep people out.
40:21
SPEAKER_00: They're actually meant to keep generosity alive.
40:24
SPEAKER_00: And if you want the kind of friendships that Jesus modeled, which would be diverse people, which would be messy tax givers and harlots.
40:32
SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
40:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, I just imagined us actually going after like doing a what's it called?
40:39
SPEAKER_00: A personal ad in search of messy tax givers and harlots, genescent searching for new friends.
40:47
SPEAKER_00: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know why my brain went there.
40:49
SPEAKER_00: But anyways, if we want to have like the kind of friendships and the diversity that Jen Jesus modeled, you have to have those two things working together: generosity and honesty.
40:59
SPEAKER_00: Without generosity, our lives become small, right?
41:01
SPEAKER_00: It's like this is what I can't do, what I can't do, this will, you know.
41:04
SPEAKER_00: And then without honesty, to be coupled or to support that generosity, that actually will col the generosity will eventually collapse under resentment.
41:15
SPEAKER_00: So we have to learn to edit our relational outputs and relate, edit our generosity habit so that some that that sweet spot happens for us.
41:27
SPEAKER_00: We can become people who can love widely, who can give honestly.
41:33
SPEAKER_00: I honestly think that's what I'd love you to think about.
41:36
SPEAKER_00: I think of is this a yes I truly have to give?
41:38
SPEAKER_00: Like it's almost like is this a dishonest yes?
41:41
SPEAKER_00: If it's gonna cost them resentment in the future, I am lying.
41:45
SPEAKER_00: This is not a yes I have to give.
41:47
SPEAKER_00: And then adjust what you need.
41:49
SPEAKER_00: So edit it.
41:50
SPEAKER_00: It does not have to be black or white, yes or no.
41:52
SPEAKER_00: I want you to think of um and then affirm that your goal is the same while you're offering your edit of what you do have to give versus what they would like you to give or what the request was.
42:04
SPEAKER_00: You can keep this is how we I think this is key of how we keep the table, blah, blah, blah, the table open without losing our hearts with that open big table.
42:16
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I hope that helps.
42:18
SPEAKER_00: Share this with a friend, my friendships file series.
42:21
SPEAKER_00: It'd be awesome to have them out for anyone that you think would be helpful helpful.
42:24
SPEAKER_00: And if this hit you, sign up for a coaching.
42:27
SPEAKER_00: I'd love boundaries, is one of the most common ones I talk about and work people through.
42:31
SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, and then keep your eyes posted, only a couple a short window before I start my habit lab mastery course.
42:37
SPEAKER_00: Bye, everybody.