Latest / The Mami Collective / How to Stop Carrying It All: The Oldest Daughter Never Clocks Out with Kasia Tomlinson
Transcript
- Paulina: If you're a mom who needs just one night, that's all about you. I need you at Mom and Ain't Easy, the mommy collective summit on October 1st at the Mayfield in Chicago. We're talking incredible food and drinks, local vendors, live music, amazing raffles, inspiring conversations, and our signature panel featuring moms who are building careers, businesses, and lives they love. Plus, I'm excited to announce that Anna Belovol will be joining us as our surprise guest for a live conversation and audience Q &A. Trust me, you don't want to miss this one. Grab your tickets now at TheMommyCollective.com. I'll see you there. Welcome to the Mommy Collective, I'm Paulina Rowe, radio host, TV contributor, writer, and mom of one. This is where ambitious moms come to keep their identity intact while navigating motherhood. Here we talk about the real stuff, career, money, relationships, identity, and everything that gets messy in between. You won't find sugar coating or cliches. What you will find are unfiltered conversations, real resources, and proof that you don't have to lose yourself to be a good mom. The Mommy Collective is here to remind you, you can be ambitious, you can take up space, and you can thrive in motherhood and in everything else that makes you, you. Before we get into the episode, make sure you're following The Mommy Collective on Facebook, TikTok, and Instagram, and share this podcast with a mommy in your life who needs a little... inspiration, or just a reminder that she's killing it. Also, don't forget to sign up for our newsletter and leave us a review so we can keep showing up and reach every ambitious mom out there doing big things. Let's get into it! We are diving right into it, the Mommy Collective podcast. We are back for another episode. And I'm doing this one a little bit differently because I usually do it like online. So I'm sitting in my own room and I'm just, you know, vibing with my guests. But today I have my very own, I would say what the backbone, the Mommy Collective. You're the person that people hear from when I don't talk to them. Essentially, you come in, you just sweep in. So I have. Tasha Starzik, is it Tomlinson or Tomlinson? Tomlinson. Tomlinson. I don't know why it's the hardest thing for me to say sometimes. it is very hard listening. You'd be surprised. Really? Yeah. ⁓ I thought it was just me. I'm like, I'm kind of goofy, so maybe it is. But no, we are recording live at my house, which is so amazing. and I'm really excited to have you here today. So first things first, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. Of course. And thank you for all that you do for the Mommy Collective. So thank you for coming to the Mommy Collective podcast. You are a big part of Mommy Collective because you help us with like all of our behind the scenes, the admin. mean, there are so many things and like hats that you wear. And now that we're getting so much busier with the summit to a lot of people are going be hearing from you. Yes. So I'm excited. Yeah, I'm excited to everybody. Yes. It's to be fun. ⁓ it's going to be so fun. Also, too, like you are a mom of three. And you also, feel like, and I could be wrong, but I feel like you've sort of become a part of the MAMI Collective in an organic way. You've come to our dinners and I've seen the way that you interact with everybody and the feedback that you get and just even the feedback that you give us, right? Like how you feel after and just even all the tips and advice and just like all the people that are in your ears about it. And then you kind of come to me and tell me the feedback. So I just think it's really cool, very full circle, because I feel like you genuinely do like it. And I'm... Really proud of you for kind of coming out of your comfort zone, because it's not in your comfort zone. I know it's not. Yeah. Talking in front of people or just thinking of like, wow, what it is about me that I can also help inspire. Because we hear from all these women that have these businesses that started from the ground up, and it's like, I don't have that. I'm just a full time mom that works with kids, and I'm trying to juggle life. But it's like, isn't that the whole picture? all these women are trying to do the exact same thing. Yes. So it's inspiring. for sure. ⁓ I'm so happy you said that. I want to cry. That's truly beautiful. And again, that's why like I created this, right? That's why like this works and the moms are really gravitating towards it because of exactly what you said. It's bigger than just like my little idea that I had. It was just like such a more bigger concept that I feel like really developed nicely over time. So I love it. I love it so much. So. If you don't mind, can you tell us a little bit about yourself? Obviously, you said you're a mom of three, you're like, work full time and I'm juggling it all, but who is Kasha at the core? Like, what do you do? Like, what roles do you play, right? Like, what hats do you have that you wear? But also, who is Kasha to the core? ⁓ gosh. I guess I've never really, like, thought about it because I'm so busy, like, always working, going to the next thing. And that's what us moms do. I feel like you're on the back burner. So it's like, enjoy reading, I enjoy playing with the kids, I enjoy having a glass of wine, kicking back and like, just relaxing and trying to plan a date night. If I can't get a date night with my husband, what are we doing differently to kind of like reconnect? Because I feel like that's where a lot of the burnout happens too, right? So even if it's like the kids go to bed and it's like, okay, what do you want to watch? Let's do a movie, let's split an entree, let's do some appetizers and just kind of like. Light a candle, like kind of rekindle like, you know, we're doing what we can in between stuff when we don't have someone there to help you or to take the kids. Yes, I completely agree with what you're saying. And I think that's like very important to when it's like becoming a mom and like, you know, making sure that like you are still maintaining your identity is a big one. Right. And I think and it's completely OK. Tell me if I'm wrong. But I think as a mom of three, it's really easy to find yourself in a season of. Losing I'm gonna say losing yourself loosely right because I could mean a lot of different things to different people and like it's not even a negative thing necessarily But it's gotta be like a seasonal thing right especially a mom of three my mom of one Yeah, so like I can't imagine three times and like right now like I'm working full-time the kids are on summer break And I had that guilt of I'm not doing enough with them And it is hard because it's like you see some moms that are able to stay home And it's like they're posting all these pictures of look what we did we did a nature walk We did this and it's like yeah, dang like I wish I had that, but that's why we try to make like other family events a little bit more memorable and taking all the pictures. And it's just like, maybe for me it's different. I grew up with parents that both worked full time. So same. Yeah. So when it was summer vacation, like I stayed home, I made sure I helped my parents with my brother and my sister. And it was just like, to me, that's normal. I want to break that cycle, but yeah, hard, you know, no, I completely agree. And being at a different stage in life, it's like, We had Liam when I got pregnant with him when we were 22. So I had him when I was 23. Yeah. And then Sophie is seven now. So there's a seven year age gap and Luke is four. So it's like when I got pregnant, all my friends were still going out and doing college and enjoying their life. And I had to put all of that on pause. Yeah. And now some of my friends are now having their kids and I'm done having kids. It's definitely interesting to see which friends you can, I guess, reconnect with. Some of my friends had kids when they were younger too, so our kids are on the same age. And then I have some friends who, Sophie, Gigi, and Luke, they kind of all play together. So it's really interesting to see like where you connect with certain people. Yeah. Again, it's a very interesting stage of life to kind of look and see. When you had your first son and you were 23, did you feel isolated at all? because like you mentioned my friends were like maybe in college right or starting their lives or whatever it was right and like you had a different kind of path did you feel like you were a little bit like isolated from them or from any kind of community or did you feel like you still found your sense of community? I feel like I didn't really have anything because it's hard they're all partying they're not thinking about getting married buying a house paying a mortgage buying a new car that actually fits a car seat They just wanted to go hang out. So I'm looking at these pictures on Instagram. Yeah. And it's just like, ⁓ look at me. We just hit our first birthday party, you know? Yeah. So it was definitely different. But then it's like you start seeing some of your other friends having an, guess, quote unquote, accidental pregnancy because they weren't planned right. Yeah. Yeah. So it's trying to find like your mom group, but still feeling like you can have a life outside of working and. trying to support your little family. Did you feel like a lot of that was like internal guilt of this is, let's just say you had Liam, right? I'm making this up. Liam was eight months old, so like not newborn, but like, you know, still obviously very small. And maybe like you wanted to go to your friend's birthday party. You wanted to go somewhere, right? Did you feel like internal guilt, whether it was like that kind of circumstance or that kind of instant, like, ⁓ we'll go to a party or maybe go out or whatever. Or did you sort of feel like you were? Like that's not what you're supposed to do now. Like that's no longer who I am. I think so. think there's a lot of it is 50-50. Like my parents really helped us a lot, me and my husband. His mom helped a lot too. So we were really grateful that we were able to kind of have a little bit of free time where we could reconnect. We could do our own thing or, you know, meet up with friends and still kind of feel like we're not drowning in parental anguish, I guess. But again, it's just like, again, trying to... find yourself and find that balance. For sure. Yeah, for sure. That's always the hardest thing. And also you're like a first daughter, right? Because you are the oldest. You're the oldest. You're the oldest of the group of three. You are the oldest daughter. And then you're also the oldest daughter of immigrant parents as well. So I think that could definitely change the dynamic too, right? When it comes to like motherhood for you and like your experience as well. So I was wondering, like, what did being the first daughter sort of mean in your family for you? I know my parents depended on me a lot, especially when they couldn't read documents. They didn't understand the school forms. And I'm over here in elementary school trying to translate for them what this means. What does this bill mean? So it was definitely hard. feel like I definitely had to grow up a lot faster, which then when we had Liam, I almost felt like I was already like, ⁓ yeah, I've already grown. I've kind of taken charge. I've done all this stuff already by myself. Wait, wait, wait. So, you I started working when I was 16. So it's like my parents taught me so much hard work and how to just like push for what you want. And like, you know, it's like I give a lot of that credit to them. I am the way I am because of my parents and what I kind of what I want to show my kids, like hard work pays off. And yeah, I don't know. It was definitely hard being like the oldest. then like, I guess my parents also learning how to parent for the first time, too. So, yeah. It's just interesting looking back now and seeing like, ⁓ my God, like I was in their shoes. I thought they had it together, right? At our, at this age in our You would never know that they didn't. And I'm like, ⁓ my God, like they didn't know. They were also learning. So. Yeah. It's definitely been eye-opening to see. it come in full circle. Yeah, so I should be coming up apparent yourself, right? Yeah. No, I completely agree with you. Have you ever struggled to celebrate an accomplishment, right? Because your mind always just sort of went to like the next thing or maybe you felt like that accomplishment growing up was just an expectation. Yes, I always thought it was an expectation. So sometimes I feel like I try to compliment my kids a lot more because when I was younger, it was like You were expected to have good grades. You were expected to listen. You were expected to keep your room in order and pretty much be a little mini adult. So I'm trying to definitely break that cycle because I want to make sure my kids can enjoy a childhood and be a kid and not feel like I'm trying to grow them up too soon. Yeah, no, I 100 % agree with that. So like what kind of ways do you celebrate your kids accomplishments, big or small? How do you do that? is like good grades on a report card going out to get ice cream or doing like hey you guys can do X Y and Z we'll do a fun little trip or fun little treat so I try to like just do different things or try to do a little different adventure with them too. That's sweet. Yeah like if everyone's good today like I also want them to learn they have to listen. ⁓ 100 percent. So kind of speaking of right, did becoming a mother make you understand like your own parents then much differently, sort of what you mentioned? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes I'm kind of, I want to tell my mom, like, thank you. Because it's like, if I felt like if I wasn't doing anything, I wasn't doing enough. And that's kind of traumatic, but also not in the same way. Because I feel like I hold my household like accountable. OK, certain things are scheduled. This is clean. This is put away. So I feel way more organized now. instead of just kind of going with the flow. Yeah. I like that structure, but it's I guess it's like good and bad, right? Because I feel like I'm not doing anything. I'm hanging on the couch. I'm not doing enough. Yeah. ⁓ 100 percent. 100 percent agree. And how do you teach your kids, right? Gratitude without making them feel responsible for your sacrifices, which oftentimes our parents kind of made us feel sometimes, right? They remind you that there were sacrifices. ⁓ yes. Yes. But I think I just try to like give them that expectation. Like, hey, like you're a big girl. You have to be able to do this by yourself. Like you have to, again, use your words. Don't let your emotions get the best of you. Just to try to be more well spoken. Sometimes I feel like Sophie has a little bit of self doubt, but it's like, know, reassuring, like you're going to make mistakes. Yeah. You're not going to be perfect. Absolutely. It's okay. We just have to try again. Liam is very competitive too. seeing him lose basketball games and getting emotional. It's just like you're trying, you're practicing, you're putting in the work. It's just being able to know what you did wrong in the game or what you need to practice on to be better in your craft. So hard work is what I'm trying to instill to them that they have to be able to take the good and the bad, the loses and the wins. Yeah, I 100 % agree with that. And I actually love that advice because I'm thinking of how I'm going to deal with my Gigi, right? Because we're only two, but. I'm starting to see like right now we're recording this and she's walking around really disappointed and I'm like no I don't want her to like feel certain things right we can't control that for our kids right but like how do I teach her that like you can still have fun on your own right or like you can still like other people's actions will not define you and how you feel right so like you're right there are like these little things that I do think about often when it comes to like my own kid so I agree with that I do I truly do Do you ever worry that giving your children a softer life will make them a little less driven than like you had to be? ⁓ yes and no. I know my parents instilled like hard work, good work ethic, being on time, like picking up extra ships because that's extra money. Like, yeah, that's kind of what we grew up in. My parents worked very hard for everything that they had, but I also feel like I grew up so... fast at such a young age that I want them to be able to sleep in on the Saturday morning and watch cartoons and not have to be woken up at 8 a.m. We have breakfast, we clean, we start scrubbing the house. ⁓ scrubbing the house. Trouble hunting. Right, right, but now it's like, Liam, I need you to go clean your room. I need you to vacuum. You're taking out the trash. You're emptying out the dishwasher. You're doing these little things so that way when you go off to college or when you move out, you can look back and be like, wow, my mom taught me like how to make sure I know how to do my laundry. You're not just kind of, I guess I'm saying bum loosely, but like you are proud of your space. You're- Totally. host, to have people come over. Yeah. So back to what you were saying, which is very true. Like what does breaking generational cycles look like in your everyday life? So not just in theory. I feel like working full time, coming home, doing the whole mom thing, cleaning the house, making it, it's hard, right? Cause I saw my parents do it and- Maybe my mom had a shorter fuse or my dad did if work was hard. So it's like little things that I feel like I'm trying to just take a step back. Not necessarily like I'm gentle parenting, but just how can I go about it a different way? I'm also learning, right? Like I'm on my third kid, but I'm also trying to be better as a person, as a mom. And I just want them to eventually see like, wow, mom worked so hard. She made it happen for us. matter what, she still showed up. Because growing up, my parents Maybe it didn't come to a couple of things because they had to work and they had to make sure we had money to do things and to pay the bills. And for sure, it's realizing it when you're older. Like yet it stinks. But it's my parents made me who I am today. They made me a hardworking person. They made me want to be a mom. I saw my mom do it again, make the magic happen for the holidays, for little things and the little events. So I know that they did the best that they can. Absolutely. And it's just like. I want my kids to look back to one day and just be like, well, she did it. Like mom and dad did it. They worked as a team. Cause my husband came to from like a divorced family, divorced parents. So he dealt with like a single mom. So he was helping her like cook dinner for his little sister when he came home. So he's seen it at a different aspect too. So I feel like both of us can relate and really come together to make sure it's different for our kids. Yeah, a hundred percent agree. And do you think there's a version of yourself that exists today, mainly to keep everybody else comfortable, to keep those parts that you mentioned comfortable? Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Just like, know Eric will know if I'm having a rough day and he really does help out a lot. It's just having that good partner where, hey, I started dinner, I switched laundry or I unloaded this basket. I feel like with him, he really sees where I'm lacking and he picks up the slack. Cause I know he doesn't have good days either, right? So then I try to do a couple of extra things to make his life a little bit easier. So I feel like we've really come together to form such a good partnership where he knows when I'm not at a hundred. I know when he's not at a hundred. For sure. And we just like, okay, I got it this time. Cause I know next time he's going to have my back too. 100 % agree. 100%. What did younger you need to hear when it came to rest responsibility you're worth? Take that nap. You just need a nap. You just need a nap. My girl puts like, you're laying down, you're relaxing, you're not doing enough. And sometimes now it's like, well, no, my body is telling me like, girl, you need to slow down. You need to hold on. So there's times where like, I know we need to do stuff for Mommy Collective. I'm like, Paulina, I just knocked out. Monday kicked my butt. Yes, it did. And so like, you get it. you my brother gets it. So it's just like, we all just support each other in that way. Cause we know we get it. It's hard. Yeah. It's the hardest thing in the world. You work full time. You mentioned that part. And I feel like what you do essentially for a living almost reminds me of a very first daughter kind of role because you're kind of managing people's lives in a way. So talk about your role and what you do. So I work primarily as like an office manager for an orthodontic office. And you know, you're doing HR, you're being people's therapists, you're listening to them, you're listening to their wins, their struggles, what they want to be better at. So when I come home, what I mentioned, sometimes it's like I feel overwhelmed or I have a short fuse. It's yes, I have three kids at home, but I'm also taking care of 30 something plus employees and making sure the business is running smoothly. The office programs are working when we're with patients. So it's a lot of pressure. And I feel like it is, again, very first daughter. It is, right? Yeah, it's giving the... So I feel like even then it's like, don't get a break. can't just zone out, lock myself in my office. It's always a revolving door of people coming in, needing help, needing assistance. Do you feel like because of that also, like being the first daughter, first-gen daughter, do you think that kind of made you almost like better at your role in a way? I think so. Yeah. I think so because I've always, I'll fix it. I got it. I'll fix it. I got it. I'll do it. Or my mom would be like, I need you to do this and this and... Yeah, so I feel it's like I'm just so used to always taking charge for things. And when I started this job, I didn't want to be in charge. I wanted to deal with my kids, be able to turn work off them that I left. And then little by little, it was just, ⁓ you got promoted. ⁓ you know how to do this. Great. Can you do this? And I was like, ⁓ man, I girl boss too hard, I feel like. But it's like, I don't know how to turn it off to just kind of sit back and just stay in my lane, because I was always that person. I'll help you. Yes. I'll create this document. Yes. I'll figure out a solution to these problems. Okay. So essentially a problem solver too. Yeah. Like in all aspects of life growing up, probably like you mentioned, helping your parents a lot and then being first daughter, right? Being the first daughter in your family. Then, you know, becoming a mom, like again, like figuring it out, but also like making sure you're managing all of that at a young age and then just constantly going from there. Yeah. You know, so that is a lot to carry. I completely see that. It is. It's a lot of baggage. Yeah. What do you feel like you've realized or did you realize, right? Growing up that some of some things were yours to carry and some things weren't. Did you ever see that? Yeah. And I mean, it's just pretty much just like asking for help, communicating it, whether it be like my boss or my husband. Just sometimes it's like, yeah, I'm tapped out. Like I can't take on anymore or I just need some time to do X, Y and Z. I really need you to step in. So but I mean, like It is hard because even when I'm at home, I'm getting the kids ready for bed. I'm thinking about like my workday tomorrow. And it's just like, ⁓ my God, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off. Focus on the kids. Read the story, play the games, watch the Disney movie. But it's hard. It's hard to always turn it off when you feel like that's just my brain. Right. ⁓ 100 percent agree with that. So what would you say to the woman who loves her family deeply but is exhausted from carrying the load of everybody? If someone listening is going to be OK, it's going to be OK. it's just knowing your limits to and when you need to step away. There's times where I'm just kind of hidden in my laundry room for 15 minutes. I got the kids settled and it's taking a breath, reconfiguring and trying again. Yeah. then there's real. Yeah. And then there's weekends where I'm sorry, I can't do the housework or I can't get all of this stuff done. This is my best. And not being mad at myself that I didn't knock out my huge laundry list of tasks that I wanted. Yeah. I feel like I've been a little bit more gracious with myself. Good. And you know, again, my husband sees it. He's like, I got this. So it does help. And we're again, trying to instill a lot more responsibility showing Liam, hey, if you see dishes in the sink, throw them in the dishwasher. Yeah. You you want me to do your laundry, which I am your mom. I'm going to do your laundry. But we all work together in this household just to make everyone's life easier, too. No, I completely agree with that 100%. Finish the sentence, right? This is in honor of the Mommy Collective two year anniversary summit. is coming up. know. Crazy how fast time is going by. It's insane. So it's the next chapter, right? So I want you to finish a sentence, OK, from Srivankasha. I knew I was entering my next chapter when I got the opportunity to express myself a little bit more. Ooh. Yeah. Ooh, I like that one. Because I feel like when we come together for the Mommy Collective, it's just when we get those juices flowing. Yeah. You're like. Even for giveaways, what can we do? What does a real mom want? It's just like, let me express myself. Maybe a mom is not expressing that she wants, she needs the help, or she needs a new outlet. And it's like hearing all these ideas when we get together and how we can support these moms and these businesses. It's just amazing. And we all collaborate. So it's like having that expression that, hey, we just need to speak our mind and closed mouths don't get fed. Right? one of my favorite co-workers quotes and it's true. If you don't speak up and tell people what you need or what you expect, nothing is ever going to change. No, it's a hundred percent accurate. ⁓ I love that. ⁓ that was so like, I felt that that was very deep and that's very true. What are you giving yourself permission to do now? Make more time for myself. Not that my kids are a little bit bigger. I like that. I like that a lot. Make more time for yourself. You just got to go to Target and wander around for 20 minutes just by yourself. with your Starbucks or your Dunkin and not feel bad. But I also like, hey, I want to go out. I want to meet up my friend for lunch. I want to go shopping. want to get my nails done. Just like little things to kind of let you relax in your own way. 100 % agree with that. Take a walk. Do it. Read that book. You have to fill your own cup. And I've always said that since I became a mom. I'm like, I can't give her the best version of me if my cup isn't filled. ⁓ true. As she climbs my lap. My last question for you, I have two actually, what are you giving yourself permission to do now? Give myself more me time, I guess. I know I have a big age range with kids, but they all know they can depend on each other and or play independently too. But it's just I need to regroup and maybe that is me taking a step away or going to work out. And I just feel like those aren't sometimes. I love it. So what does mom and easy mean to you? You juggle a lot of things all at once and you have a smile on your face. Yes. Yeah. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. It's not easy, but we're doing this. Well, Kasha, I appreciate you so much for being here today. We appreciate it. What is your social media handle? Where can we follow you? Where can we do all of that? My handle for Instagram is cash Kasha. I'll give it to you so you can go ahead and link it below. I love it. Thank you so much for being here today. We appreciate you having this. It's like super fun. It is. I love how much you were very open and honest. I wasn't sure I was like, I wonder if she'll get into it, but you did. And I loved it. So thank you. Appreciate it. And thank you all for listening. Make sure to hit up the mommy collective.com or mommy collective on Instagram. We're at mommy collective or the mommy collective.com. Get your tickets for the summit before they sell out. October 1st in Chicago. We're talking all this and more so. You definitely want to be in the building. So thank you for supporting and we'll talk to you soon. Bye guys.