Latest / Where We Rise / 19 | "I Choose You, Every Day" | Marriage Roundtable

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19 | "I Choose You, Every Day" | Marriage Roundtable · Where We Rise

• 0:01
  Khalila McCoy: Hey, this is Khalila McCoy, and you're tuned in to the podcast that's all about growing together.
• 0:08
  Khalila McCoy: This is where we rise.
• 0:11
  Khalila McCoy: Hey there.
• 0:13
  Khalila McCoy: Thank you for joining me today.
• 0:15
  Khalila McCoy: This is such an exciting week for me.
• 0:18
  Khalila McCoy: First, this week, DJ and I have been celebrating our anniversary.
• 0:23
  Khalila McCoy: We have been married for nine years, y'all.
• 0:26
  Khalila McCoy: Woohoo! We love each other deeply and have so much fun together.
• 0:32
  Khalila McCoy: But our relationship isn't always rainbows and butterflies.
• 0:36
  Khalila McCoy: We work through a lot and continue to improve, but we are committed to the promise we made to each other and to God to grow together and act in love.
• 0:45
  Khalila McCoy: So that leads me to the second exciting thing happening this week.
• 0:50
  Khalila McCoy: Today's episode is the first of its kind here on Where We Rise.
• 0:54
  Khalila McCoy: I am in the studio with four lovely ladies who mean so much to me.
• 0:59
  Khalila McCoy: As many of you know, I'm a school teacher.
• 1:01
  Khalila McCoy: I used to teach fourth grade, and the women you're hearing today and I made up a fabulous fourth grade team.
• 1:07
  Khalila McCoy: We evolved from coworkers to true friends, and we always have the best time just being together.
• 1:14
  Khalila McCoy: Even though we are no longer all on the same team, we still show up for each other, support each other, and we have the best conversations.
• 1:22
  Khalila McCoy: So I invited these women, Amy Halsey, Laura Ellis, Kate Ring, and Shannon Griffin, to share their perspectives on marriage.
• 1:32
  Khalila McCoy: We come from different backgrounds, we span different ages, and we've lived very different lives, but we all agree on this.
• 1:40
  Khalila McCoy: Marriage is precious and it's something we continually work on.
• 1:44
  Khalila McCoy: I sent them 15 questions about marriage, and during our conversation, they could ask anyone they wanted.
• 1:52
  Khalila McCoy: None of us knew which question was coming, so we had to be ready for them all.
• 1:55
  Khalila McCoy: And listen, I'm usually the one asking the questions, so I had to sit with myself and really think about what I wanted to say.
• 2:03
  Khalila McCoy: It is hard being on a podcast, y'all.
• 2:06
  Khalila McCoy: But I am so moved and impressed by the wisdom this group brought to the table, and I cannot wait to share it with you.
• 2:14
  Khalila McCoy: So let's get into this conversation.
• 2:17
  Khalila McCoy: Get comfortable, grab a notepad, and be ready for honesty, laughter, tears, and the kind of truth that only comes from women who have lived it.
• 2:28
  Khalila McCoy: All right, ladies, we are here to talk and share about marriage.
• 2:32
  Khalila McCoy: I am looking forward to hearing what you have to say and seeing what questions you picked.
• 2:37
  Khalila McCoy: Um, some are hard for me to come up with answers to.
• 2:40
  Khalila McCoy: So I've just found out that I've been married the least amount of time.
• 2:44
  Khalila McCoy: So I'm here for your wisdom along with our listeners.
• 2:48
  Khalila McCoy: So we'll just go through, and you're gonna tell us your name, how many years you've been married, and how you met your husband.
• 2:54
  Khalila McCoy: So first we have I'm Amy.
• 2:57
  Amy Halsey: Um this June will be our 31st um anniversary.
• 3:02
  Amy Halsey: Um, I met my husband, Mike.
• 3:05
  Amy Halsey: We actually went to kindergarten and first grade together.
• 3:08
  Amy Halsey: Um we both our our families are from are from the same um small town.
• 3:14
  Amy Halsey: So, like his grandparents, our grandparents, you know, uh we have that connection.
• 3:18
  Amy Halsey: But then they moved away after second grade to Connecticut, didn't see each other, didn't keep in touch.
• 3:23
  Amy Halsey: Um, then he ended up transferring to Bowling Green, where I went, and kind of a mutual, well, kind of a mutual relative friend had told him, hey, you know, maybe you should look Amy up.
• 3:34
  Amy Halsey: And then we happened to run each in each other, and that was that.
• 3:40
  Khalila McCoy: That's sweet.
• 3:41
  Amy Halsey: The rest is history, as it was.
• 3:47
  Laura Ellis: I'm Laura, and I've been married, it'll be 26 years in June.
• 3:53
  Laura Ellis: And my husband and I, Chris, we met on Fort Myers Beach.
• 3:58
  Laura Ellis: It was 1994, and we stayed in touch, lost touch, stayed in touch, and then he ended up calling me in 1997, and his first question when he called me was, Are you married?
• 4:13
  Laura Ellis: And of course I wasn't.
• 4:15
  Laura Ellis: Of course I wasn't.
• 4:16
  Laura Ellis: So he was like all happy, and so we started dating officially that year.
• 4:21
  Laura Ellis: That's cute.
• 4:22
  Kate Reing: That is really cute.
• 4:24
  Kate Reing: And my name is Kate.
• 4:27
  Kate Reing: I've my husband and I have been married for 17 years in August.
• 4:31
  Kate Reing: Um, since we're telling our origin stories, I met my husband in Chicago through some mutual friends.
• 4:37
  Kate Reing: So his my best friend from forever from growing up was roommates with his best friend, and they introduced us.
• 4:47
  Kate Reing: So the rest, as you say, Shannon, is history.
• 4:51
  Shannon Griffin: I love it.
• 4:52
  Shannon Griffin: I wish I wish my story was as simple as that.
• 4:56
  Shannon Griffin: Um, so my name is Shannon, and we'll be married 12 years uh this June, which I feel like we need to know everybody's actual anniversary date.
• 5:06
  Shannon Griffin: We have three Junes.
• 5:07
  Shannon Griffin: Are you June too, Khalila?
• 5:09
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
• 5:09
  Shannon Griffin: Well, there you go.
• 5:10
  Shannon Griffin: So, Kate, you're the odd one out.
• 5:12
  Shannon Griffin: Sorry.
• 5:13
  Shannon Griffin: Um, and I met my husband actually through my mother because he was a teacher at the same school that she was, and I was volunteering in her building and noticed him and thought he was very good looking and decided that I needed to find a way to organically meet him, which did not happen organically, but as you would say, I did a little stalking and it worked out okay, not in a creepy way.
• 5:44
  Shannon Griffin: And then my mom kind of helped seal the deal by reaching out and suggesting that we go on a date.
• 5:50
  Khalila McCoy: Nice.
• 5:50
  Khalila McCoy: And I'm Khalila.
• 5:52
  Khalila McCoy: I will be married for nine years in June.
• 5:56
  Khalila McCoy: And so DJ and I met at Ashland University, and I say he stalked me.
• 6:02
  Khalila McCoy: I actually knew him from some other friends, and I did not like him.
• 6:06
  Khalila McCoy: He was like a star of the football team, kind of cocky, annoying, rude.
• 6:13
  Khalila McCoy: He was so rude.
• 6:15
  Khalila McCoy: I remember hanging out with him a few times, and I was like, I don't see why people talk to this dude.
• 6:19
  Khalila McCoy: And then we had a mutual friend at undergraduate.
• 6:23
  Khalila McCoy: It was like a week before her graduation party, and he called me, and I didn't know she had put his number in my phone.
• 6:29
  Khalila McCoy: And so it came up as DJ.
• 6:31
  Khalila McCoy: And I was like, Why do I have this guy's number on my phone?
• 6:33
  Khalila McCoy: Like, why is he calling me?
• 6:34
  Khalila McCoy: And he was just like, Hey, um, you know, I want to hang out with you and I want to get to know you.
• 6:40
  Khalila McCoy: And I was like, Yeah, no.
• 6:42
  Khalila McCoy: I'm not the one.
• 6:44
  Khalila McCoy: But he's like, No, I really want to get to know you, and I really like you, and we should date and stuff.
• 6:49
  Khalila McCoy: So he's like, I'll go to like our friend's graduation party if you're gonna be there.
• 6:53
  Khalila McCoy: And I was like, Well, I'm gonna be there.
• 6:55
  Khalila McCoy: I don't really care if you're gonna stay there or not.
• 6:57
  Khalila McCoy: So, but we went and we hung out that day.
• 7:00
  Khalila McCoy: And I was like, Oh, he was actually pretty cool and like he wasn't as rude and cocky as I had known him to be before.
• 7:07
  Khalila McCoy: And then like that year, I ended up because I had graduated, he's younger than me.
• 7:12
  Khalila McCoy: So I had graduated, but I went back to get my master's at Ashland because I didn't end up getting a teaching job.
• 7:18
  Khalila McCoy: So he was still on campus, and we were like, Oh, well, let's hang out one night.
• 7:22
  Khalila McCoy: And I was like, Okay, whatever.
• 7:24
  Khalila McCoy: We'll sit like in the lobby of your dorm and just like talk and you know, get this over with, and you'll see that I'm not like the girl for you or whatever.
• 7:32
  Khalila McCoy: And it was the best night you guys.
• 7:34
  Khalila McCoy: I was like, I cannot wait to see him again.
• 7:37
  Khalila McCoy: We just talked about anything and everything, and he is such a gentleman, and then I was hooked from there on.
• 7:44
  Khalila McCoy: So that's our story.
• 7:46
  Khalila McCoy: I like that.
• 7:48
  Laura Ellis: I don't think I'd heard the ending of that story, so that's good to hear.
• 7:51
  Khalila McCoy: I don't think I knew any of it.
• 7:52
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah, yeah.
• 7:53
  Khalila McCoy: So we're very different people, but but it's been fun and crazy.
• 8:00
  Khalila McCoy: And I'm only nine years in, so all right.
• 8:07
  Khalila McCoy: So we let me jump in there and tell you.
• 8:10
  Amy Halsey: Yeah.
• 8:10
  Amy Halsey: How do you want me to start with um the question that I kind of it's kind of a combination of different thoughts?
• 8:19
  Amy Halsey: I feel like um once I started thinking about one part, and then it kind of led me to thinking about something else.
• 8:24
  Amy Halsey: I've one of the main questions I think that I've also talked with other friends about is that how how that definition of love has changed from when we first met and when we were dating and then getting married, and um through the seasons of life, basically.
• 8:44
  Amy Halsey: And that I feel like is I don't know, uh, one of the things that I've learned most and what we've learned about each other and has also been like the most challenging.
• 8:54
  Amy Halsey: So when I think back to, you know, being a new well, newly married, and then a a mother, and then the elementary age of your kids.
• 9:03
  Amy Halsey: My kids now are 29 and 22.
• 9:07
  Amy Halsey: Um, and you know, you you have those different challenges as parents and as a married couple, I think, for each of those stages, even, you know, once they graduate and then college and then becoming an empty nester, and then now kind of where I'm at, you know, where we are at this point in our life.
• 9:24
  Amy Halsey: And I really just describe it as a roller coaster.
• 9:27
  Amy Halsey: I mean, there are so many um ups and downs through it all.
• 9:31
  Amy Halsey: And the the challenges, I think that's how when I think of how the love has changed, is that uh you just learn, um you learn what works and what doesn't work.
• 9:44
  Amy Halsey: Um I think almost this stage in some ways is not really the hardest as far as thinking the parenting, but just learning how to live without children.
• 9:55
  Amy Halsey: I mean, uh, you know, our son still lives with us, but I just mean l without living, those responsibilities.
• 10:00
  Amy Halsey: And I remember um thinking when Ella graduated, kind of jokingly, but not jokingly, I said, great, now now it's just you and me, or now we're stuck with each other.
• 10:10
  Amy Halsey: And, you know, kind of, kind of that's a joke, but it it, you know, I just kind of pictured us just, okay, now, now what do we do?
• 10:18
  Amy Halsey: You know, kind of when you bring, when we brought home Colin from the hospital, it's like, okay, now what?
• 10:22
  Amy Halsey: You know, like now, now that we have this tiny, tiny baby.
• 10:25
  Amy Halsey: I was I'm an emotional person anyways.
• 10:28
  Amy Halsey: And so thinking about not, you know, the kids being grown and and you know, doing their own thing and not needing you as much and everything.
• 10:35
  Amy Halsey: And so I actually went, you know, in pretty dark places when that kind of all started happening and, you know, the depression and anxiety.
• 10:41
  Amy Halsey: And then, you know, we did some counseling and kind of just thinking through like this next stage in our life, you know, thinking of we've been through many illnesses and surgeries and aging parents, you know, all these things that happen at this stage, I guess.
• 10:58
  Amy Halsey: Um, and so you really see you see that how that love is shown in a different way.
• 11:04
  Amy Halsey: So for example, like my my daughter has been dating somebody for almost five years, and after I had a major surgery uh two years ago, and um, no, this was the most recent one, seven weeks ago.
• 11:17
  Amy Halsey: There's been a lot.
• 11:19
  Amy Halsey: They they were up sitting um in in our in our room, and you know, I was we're just kind of, you know, just talking.
• 11:27
  Amy Halsey: And I said, and I have these like I had these like um drainage things, you know, coming out from where they did surgery and stuff.
• 11:33
  Amy Halsey: And so they kind of were seeing that and like, ooh, you know, and I said, You guys, this this right here is marriage.
• 11:38
  Amy Halsey: And so, you know, they had seen how Mike has, you know, had to take care of me and just, you know, step up and do so many things.
• 11:46
  Amy Halsey: And this wasn't the first time, you know, we've had several different things where this, you know, times it's had to happen.
• 11:51
  Amy Halsey: And, you know, it's you know, you know, I just feel like it gets more as you go through those challenges in life, you really learn to appreciate each other more.
• 12:00
  Amy Halsey: And how much, you know, you I I I really feel like choosing who you're going to marry or spend your life with is the most important decision that you make.
• 12:09
  Amy Halsey: You know, choosing your college, choosing your career, all those things are important, but this is the person that you're spending ever you know, your the rest of your life with and through the good and the bad times.
• 12:20
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
• 12:21
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
• 12:22
  Kate Reing: I feel like Amy, that resonates with like my marriage to Eric too.
• 12:27
  Kate Reing: Like 12 years ago, I was diagnosed with melanoma, just as our twin daughters were born.
• 12:33
  Kate Reing: And it was very difficult, obviously, because I was going through a year of therapy in it.
• 12:40
  Kate Reing: That's when I feel like our marriage really shifted and I had to lean on him a lot.
• 12:46
  Kate Reing: And I saw him really step up to that moment of, you know, like he had to take the burden of a lot of things taking care of me and like being vulnerable in that moment of physically weak, emotionally weak.
• 12:59
  Kate Reing: You know, that says a lot about the partnership that you're building through your marriage, about whether, you know, you can weather those kinds of good and bad storms too.
• 13:12
  Laura Ellis: But I think too, like to piggyback on to both of you, I think that I call those seasons like seasons of friendship.
• 13:19
  Laura Ellis: And it only creates a deeper love.
• 13:23
  Laura Ellis: And so it's kind of like the roots of a tree or a plant, and the roots only get deeper and deeper and deeper with all of the things that you go through.
• 13:32
  Laura Ellis: So whether that's illnesses, like for Chris and I, it's like losing our parents and you know, sending kids off to college and you know, all the things that we go through, and it just creates a deeper love.
• 13:46
  Laura Ellis: Um, something that you can't, I could never share with anyone else, even if Chris and I were to divorce today.
• 13:52
  Laura Ellis: I mean, I can't reciprocate that.
• 13:55
  Laura Ellis: I can't duplicate that because it's just it's such a deep love that you can't do that.
• 14:01
  Khalila McCoy: All these words of wisdom.
• 14:02
  Khalila McCoy: I know.
• 14:03
  Khalila McCoy: I'm just so cute.
• 14:04
  Khalila McCoy: I'm just I'm writing notes down.
• 14:05
  Khalila McCoy: It's just interesting because we're all at different Yeah.
• 14:12
  Khalila McCoy: But even like you guys like taught talking about taking care of each other.
• 14:15
  Khalila McCoy: Like when I looked at that question, I didn't even think about the fact like after I had Miles and my C-section and my other surgery, I was really out for a while.
• 14:25
  Khalila McCoy: And DJ did, like, he took care of me, and we're like, you know, I'm in my 30s, and my husband's helping me take a shower.
• 14:32
  Khalila McCoy: Like, never would I thought that that would happen.
• 14:34
  Khalila McCoy: And he's cleaning my wounds, and he did like the first few months.
• 14:38
  Khalila McCoy: I was so out of it.
• 14:39
  Khalila McCoy: He took care of Miles and he was pretty much like a single parent.
• 14:43
  Khalila McCoy: And obviously, I remember that and give him credit for it, but I never really necessarily connected that to how our love has shifted as a couple.
• 14:51
  Khalila McCoy: So I like that you guys all said that.
• 14:53
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah, definitely.
• 14:55
  Laura Ellis: I think with all of it, you know, I think, like I said, it's just for me and what I experienced with Chris, I just feel like with each up and down, you know, all of the ups and downs, it just weaves him and him and I more and more together.
• 15:12
  Laura Ellis: And, you know, I don't know, it's just it's just a deeper love.
• 15:18
  Laura Ellis: It's like I look at when we first met and like, you know, after each kid or just different times of our marriage to now, and I know he feels the same way because we've talked about this.
• 15:30
  Laura Ellis: It's just a it's just a different kind of love.
• 15:34
  Shannon Griffin: It definitely evolves.
• 15:36
  Laura Ellis: Yeah.
• 15:38
  Shannon Griffin: We talk about that a lot, actually.
• 15:40
  Shannon Griffin: About like I think at the beginning of your marriage, you talk there's a lot of talk about oh well, don't expect me to change because you know, you know who I am, you knew who you were getting when you got into this.
• 15:52
  Shannon Griffin: And there's just a lot there's always like this, like, I'm me.
• 15:56
  Shannon Griffin: And if you don't like me, then I don't know what to tell you, kind of thing.
• 15:59
  Shannon Griffin: And it could go both ways.
• 16:01
  Shannon Griffin: Um, and you could say, like, this is just my personality.
• 16:04
  Shannon Griffin: And more recently, within like the last like, I don't know, five or six years or so, I really stopped and thought about it for myself personally, and then was able to bring it to our relationship and kind of say, like, I'm not the same person I was when we got married.
• 16:18
  Shannon Griffin: I'm not the same person I was when I met you.
• 16:21
  Shannon Griffin: Motherhood alone is like the most drastic change, I think, that's underestimated for women and the in the the literal all life consuming part of just motherhood where it's like physical, emotional, hormonal, you name it, and a lot of which is not talked about mainstream-wise.
• 16:43
  Shannon Griffin: So you don't really know what you're getting into.
• 16:45
  Shannon Griffin: And then also the fact that your partner is, you know, they can't understand what that feels like themselves.
• 16:52
  Shannon Griffin: Um, but I feel like with every kid I've had, I've changed and grown and learned, and you're like an older person and you become more mature, even how you you relate to people that you work with.
• 17:02
  Shannon Griffin: And so I'm like, I don't think we can say this anymore that like this is who I am, and like you kind of have to just deal with it.
• 17:08
  Shannon Griffin: It's kind of like no, we've evolved in our lives as professionals, as parents, as friends, as as children of our parents.
• 17:18
  Shannon Griffin: So I'm like, it's silly to think that like we would say we weren't gonna evolve in a relationship, that who you are in your relationship can't evolve and become something else.
• 17:27
  Shannon Griffin: And you don't have to frame it up as like you need to change this for me, but to say you can't grow and evolve in certain areas, I think um is a misnomer, something that I feel like has that you hear when you first get married or that you when you talk about or when you get in arguments or whatever, it's something that you fall upon and it's not necessarily the case.
• 17:49
  Laura Ellis: Well, that's something I would say to people too.
• 17:51
  Laura Ellis: I feel I feel like that's part of the problem with people is I think life is about evolving and becoming a better person, a better friend, a better wife, a better coworker.
• 18:01
  Laura Ellis: Like that's life, right?
• 18:03
  Laura Ellis: And I feel like when people say that, and men in particular, when they say, Oh, you know, I'm not gonna change, and I think that's the sad part.
• 18:10
  Laura Ellis: I think that's what's happening with marriages, is people aren't evolving and they're not changing, and they're not, you know.
• 18:19
  Shannon Griffin: It's looked at like as a fixed thing.
• 18:20
  Shannon Griffin: Like this relationship is a a fixed thing, and we come together, and that's like we come together and that's it.
• 18:27
  Shannon Griffin: But it's really like not only are you evolving on your own, but like as you said, Laura, which I love, with like the roots of a tree, it's like you're intertwining with every experience and interaction that you have together, whether positive or negative, and it's shapes everything.
• 18:43
  Kate Reing: But I think that's why Shannon, I always go back to how you and your husband have those regular date nights.
• 18:49
  Kate Reing: And I think about like being a parent and how much you know, time and intensity it takes taking care of like your kids.
• 18:58
  Kate Reing: And if you don't have those touch points with your husband and make it an important part of your marriage, you know, I know Amy and Laura, you're like the empty nesters now.
• 19:06
  Kate Reing: Like my fear is my kids are kind of in those middle stages going into middle school and high school.
• 19:10
  Kate Reing: Like, in a couple of years, it's gonna be just us.
• 19:13
  Kate Reing: And if we don't have those touch points of like evolving together and understanding each other, I worry, like, what will happen?
• 19:20
  Kate Reing: Like, what's next, you know?
• 19:22
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
• 19:23
  Amy Halsey: And I, you know, I have had several, and I think there are statistics to kind of to back this up, but I I have had several friends um that it was after their children graduated or moved out of the house and they got divorced.
• 19:37
  Amy Halsey: And, you know, some of them were married 30 years.
• 19:40
  Amy Halsey: Um, and I think when you said that about the date nights, we never did that.
• 19:45
  Amy Halsey: So that is a a huge advice, piece of advice I would give to anybody.
• 19:49
  Amy Halsey: It, you know, when you're uh is uh I was a nervous parent.
• 19:53
  Amy Halsey: I think that was part of it, just not wanting to leave the kids and um electrical storms, you know.
• 19:59
  Kate Reing: What you and I think they're gonna choke when they're home alone.
• 20:04
  Amy Halsey: Yeah, that's I have worried a little bit too much, but no showers.
• 20:10
  Amy Halsey: Yeah, you know, looking back, it was like it is what it is.
• 20:15
  Amy Halsey: I mean, you have to, you know, you you you need to make time for yourself.
• 20:18
  Amy Halsey: I think, and then that's maybe why we have a hard time now.
• 20:21
  Amy Halsey: It's kind of like, okay, now what what are we gonna do?
• 20:23
  Laura Ellis: Um and that too, you just said it.
• 20:25
  Laura Ellis: I feel like women don't do that.
• 20:27
  Laura Ellis: They don't make time for themselves when they are getting married and having children because you're you're giving, giving, giving, giving because you're we're automatically nurturers.
• 20:36
  Laura Ellis: And I think that's one of my regrets.
• 20:38
  Laura Ellis: I wish that I had done a better job of putting myself first.
• 20:43
  Laura Ellis: Putting myself first.
• 20:45
  Laura Ellis: Because I think, you know, essentially that's how we are as women and mothers is we are just we just give to everybody else.
• 20:52
  Laura Ellis: And we don't give to ourselves, unfortunately.
• 20:56
  Amy Halsey: And we've talked about that before.
• 20:57
  Amy Halsey: I kind of feel like it's um two parts to that.
• 21:01
  Amy Halsey: I I I do like that now about this part.
• 21:04
  Amy Halsey: Um, like Laura said, you know, having more time for yourself, you know, you can you can do what you can, you know, have more time together in privacy, you know, to to do all those private things and be spontaneous and and you know, not have to worry about that.
• 21:19
  Amy Halsey: However, the other side of it for me is that this is this and I've said to you guys before that you know, in years past, like this is the worst time of my life.
• 21:30
  Amy Halsey: You guys knew I was gonna cry.
• 21:32
  Amy Halsey: It sounds like that.
• 21:33
  Amy Halsey: Well no, it's okay.
• 21:35
  Amy Halsey: I've always wanted to be a m you know, a mom and the nurturing and all that stuff.
• 21:44
  Amy Halsey: And so, you know, and and like I said, I think that is when I really went, you know, a lot of depression and anxiety.
• 21:51
  Amy Halsey: And you know, Mike's stepped up as he did when I suffered from those those mental challenges years and years ago.
• 21:57
  Amy Halsey: You know, he stepped up and he took care of the kids and he he did you know he he did what needed to be done and so I I am at a better place now I feel I I think it's a lot about your your mindset and and how you look at things and so now I'm seeing all the the the the pros to that and how you know how we can do all these things together that we you you know you can't do when you have when you have little kids.
• 22:22
  Amy Halsey: So you know I mean there's there's definitely pros and cons at you know through all of those seasons.
• 22:28
  Amy Halsey: Yeah and Shannon you did say one I remember one time you said that you parent you're a different parent for each of your children.
• 22:37
  Shannon Griffin: Yes.
• 22:38
  Amy Halsey: And then you brought up about how that how that changes in your relationship and I think you are an each person I think you are a different you are you do you are a different person and you you know you do evolve you do change.
• 22:49
  Amy Halsey: But then I kind but then I go back to that really needing to know who you're going to marry as far as your core values.
• 22:57
  Amy Halsey: So I think of thinking like you know politics in these days and times and you know religion and do you want kids do you not want kids how many kids do you want because I know you know marriages um that have ended because of those types of of things.
• 23:12
  Amy Halsey: And so you know that's another piece I think that just kind of all goes together.
• 23:19
  Laura Ellis: And family history I always tell my girls it's really you really need to look at you know the person's family history and how does their dad treat their mom?
• 23:28
  Laura Ellis: Are they still married?
• 23:29
  Laura Ellis: Are they divorced?
• 23:30
  Laura Ellis: How do they treat the step parent you know like how does the son treat the mom?
• 23:35
  Laura Ellis: You know you have to look at all of that because I feel like that plays into your partner as well.
• 23:41
  Shannon Griffin: Absolutely and how they're going to treat you.
• 23:43
  Shannon Griffin: Yeah that's we all bring with us our baggage whether it's good bad or otherwise and I know like um it makes me think Laura what you just said about knowing like somebody's family history something I didn't know prior to getting married that I learned later in marriage through counseling and things like that.
• 24:00
  Shannon Griffin: But um we had heard of the five love languages and that's something that we had looked at before we even got married.
• 24:06
  Shannon Griffin: But when we were married we learned about attachment styles which is a different thing to look at um in relationships and that's more about um how you formed attachments as a child and how you look at relationships as like a an attachment and you learned so much more about how you respond to love and attachment and what that makes you do like in your mind or interacting with your spouse or whatever in in ways that I had no clue.
• 24:36
  Shannon Griffin: Like we when we looked it up we were able to look at like our two different attachment styles and see okay we're we're spiraling because my bad feeds into your bad and like it's like it becomes this cycle.
• 24:48
  Shannon Griffin: But I think a large part of that too is that there is no like you don't really know all this.
• 24:54
  Shannon Griffin: Like you get advice before you get married but you don't get it you get advice on like real like whatever kind of relationship advice but not like how do you evolve emotion your emotional intelligence to be able to care for another person and understand another person and know how to react to another person.
• 25:14
  Shannon Griffin: And I think that comes from emotional intelligence like things you just have to work on yourself sometimes.
• 25:19
  Shannon Griffin: Like how you respond to something can be triggering or how you don't respond to something can be triggering.
• 25:26
  Amy Halsey: And so it's you know those types of things where I think we have to work on ourselves in tandem I feel like and you you brought up the like the emotional part and I I think one of the main things that main reasons I wanted to do this with all of you is because as a woman at this stage of life you're going through so many different physical changes.
• 25:48
  Amy Halsey: And you know I have ovarian cancer and I'm in you know no signs of it right now.
• 25:53
  Amy Halsey: But I was thrown into full menopause and you know I have many friends right now who are either pretty much all of them are going through menopause and there's so much that people don't understand about that.
• 26:08
  Amy Halsey: So when you know we ourselves as women have to figure it out but then it's just as important that our significant other knows that as well.
• 26:16
  Amy Halsey: And you know I I'm I'm glad that I feel like people are finally starting to talk about this more and it's you know it's not taboo and people you know women are sharing more and tons and tons of research is out there I'd say in the last three years about this and you know it and so much of it there was just a show talk show this morning um and somebody mentioned just the word estrogen and how you know hormones you know we've we've known that our whole lives is how how much they impact all of you know all of us our social, our emotional, physical, everything and you you know you have no control over that.
• 26:53
  Amy Halsey: And so and you know the mood screens the just everything.
• 26:57
  Amy Halsey: And so I I really think um that one of the best things we can do as a as a wife and as a couple is just to educate ourselves on what that everything that is involved in that.
• 27:08
  Shannon Griffin: And educate our husbands.
• 27:09
  Shannon Griffin: Yeah because you guys have taught me so much about that already to where to the point where I'm looking things up and trying to understand myself and I feel like we have to teach our husbands because they definitely don't understand.
• 27:23
  Shannon Griffin: They are look they very much look at things not to be like you know yeah just and you want something white but it's like they look at things like what's the physical problem that I can help you solve.
• 27:33
  Shannon Griffin: And a lot of the things that impact us are not things that you can see on the outside.
• 27:37
  Shannon Griffin: So they not only can't see it but they can't understand it.
• 27:40
  Amy Halsey: So it's and they feel lost and it's hard like you can't you can't really get angry with them when this is all beginning because I didn't know everything.
• 27:51
  Amy Halsey: And so you know you don't know what you don't know.
• 27:53
  Laura Ellis: And so you can't really that's even like I feel like the whole women's body though hasn't been really talked about with any of us really but you know um like even menstrual cycles with men, you know, they don't understand that and the cycle and how that works and you know what you are the week prior and then the couple days prior to your menstrual cycle and then after your menstrual cycle you know I mean I think the only thing Chris really knew was when I was ovulating he added something important stuff right and he knew when my period was going to start I was like man you got to now those are the important times.
• 28:31
  Laura Ellis: Wow so I'll give him credit there.
• 28:35
  Amy Halsey: That's so money.
• 28:36
  Amy Halsey: Uh I I think maybe if we talk about how you deal with disagreements or arguments at the different stages in your marriage, I think that's um do you guys all feel that you it's it is approached differently handled differently like the different amounts of time you've been married.
• 28:58
  Kate Reing: I would say that a big learning curve for me and my husband were communication styles.
• 29:04
  Kate Reing: Like I if we get into an argument I want to like I am like a people I cannot stand conflict and so the longer it goes on it it just like I I just it makes me so uncomfortable.
• 29:16
  Kate Reing: But yet he needs the space to think about it to come back to it.
• 29:20
  Kate Reing: And somebody crazy and we have to talk about it now.
• 29:28
  Kate Reing: I was like I can't go to bed he's like I can't go to I can't not go to bed.
• 29:33
  Kate Reing: Yeah sounds about right I know because somebody once said you know never go to bed angry.
• 29:40
  Khalila McCoy: Well that was not a piece of advice we followed because I would say that to DJ D I'm like we're not supposed to go to bed angry he's like well tonight you're gonna have to figure it out right so there's the piece of advice that we're like that's the one I didn't follow.
• 29:56
  Khalila McCoy: Well I wanted to Eric was not on board with that one but yeah I think with that like you know you can't pretend that the situation is just taken care of but maybe just go to bed with the understanding like hey I still love you.
• 30:09
  Khalila McCoy: We're good.
• 30:09
  Khalila McCoy: We'll talk about it tomorrow.
• 30:11
  Khalila McCoy: I'm just upset and taking it from that point of view versus like you have to solve everything before you shut your eyes that night because I think that's something that we've had well me like I said I've had to learn because I want to talk about it.
• 30:25
  Khalila McCoy: I want to deal with it now and like you said he needs to process it.
• 30:28
  Khalila McCoy: And I would I would push and be like no we need to talk about this now.
• 30:33
  Khalila McCoy: I can't sleep I can't do this.
• 30:35
  Khalila McCoy: And it was me, right?
• 30:36
  Khalila McCoy: It's about me and my feelings not considering the fact that he was not ready for this and he needed to think about it.
• 30:42
  Khalila McCoy: And like you were talking about the different love languages and attachment issues, Shannon I think it went into that.
• 30:48
  Khalila McCoy: So just to appease myself I wasn't listening to what he needed which then adds to him not feeling validated in our relationship.
• 30:57
  Khalila McCoy: So that I agree with you, Kate like that was something I had to learn and I had to figure out okay what can I do for myself to bring myself down so I can go to sleep and then I'm not harboring on this so then I'm ready to have a sensible conversation the next day.
• 31:14
  Shannon Griffin: Yeah.
• 31:15
  Amy Halsey: I think that's a very important point Kill and I just actually learned that I feel like it lasts five years is that you know I think the communication is a is a topic for everybody no matter how many years you've been married it just seems and I don't mean to stereotype for men but it just seems like that lack of communication and I I do think some of that is fear and um vulnerability.
• 31:39
  Shannon Griffin: Vulnerability I love that word too you know and yeah and and historically boys are not raised to be emotionally intelligent sensitive men you know it's just you get they get they get different signals from different places.
• 31:56
  Shannon Griffin: So there's never really a a strong like signal one way of like you can you can be this and this at the same time they don't have to be one or the other so I think that's part of it too.
• 32:07
  Shannon Griffin: I think I think Amy based on your what you were saying about how you handle disagreements I think what had come with me maybe it's like once you get the to the 10 year mark or whatever like once you like get to a certain point it I I don't know what's in your brain or like when you're with somebody and you get into arguments you take things everything personally.
• 32:29
  Shannon Griffin: So it's not like I have an issue with you not cleaning up after yourself in the kitchen.
• 32:36
  Shannon Griffin: It becomes you have a problem with me.
• 32:38
  Shannon Griffin: You think I'm X, Y, and Z.
• 32:40
  Shannon Griffin: And then it becomes like well maybe we're not meant to be together or maybe we're not supposed to be together because you don't like me because I do, you know, whatever.
• 32:49
  Shannon Griffin: And then I think as you evolve and grow, the way I look at disagreements right now, I'm like, okay, well this isn't going to change us.
• 32:58
  Shannon Griffin: Like we're gonna be together I'm gonna see you in 10 minutes or I'm gonna talk to you tomorrow and nothing else.
• 33:03
  Shannon Griffin: Like we're still going to be together.
• 33:05
  Shannon Griffin: So what what do we have to do in this situation to come to either an impasse or an agreement or whatever it has to be because I'm kind of like okay well we're gonna there's gonna there's another side to this and so what what do we have to do to get there because it's not going to impact whether or not we stay together or whatnot.
• 33:24
  Shannon Griffin: And I think once you get to that level I wouldn't say it's comfortability but more like you're at a level of like commitment to where your lives are so entangled that like disagreements or a blow up is not a we're gonna break up situation.
• 33:39
  Shannon Griffin: It's a this sucks situation and we know we're gonna see it on the other side but we can let that go.
• 33:45
  Shannon Griffin: So I think that's like that early marriage anxiety maybe people have when they get into arguments and they think oh maybe I made the wrong decision or this is like an impersonal indictment on my character because this, this, and this, but really it's how do you move after the fact that you've had these arguments because it's not going to change whether or not an argument shouldn't change whether or not you stay together.
• 34:07
  Amy Halsey: I I just think one of the very best things you can do in any type of disagreement argument it and again I feel like I just learned this in the last you know five to seven years is stopping you know whenever and and putting yourself in seeing it from their perspective.
• 34:23
  Amy Halsey: So let's say you have a disagreement about uh if you're if you're have young kids like you know discipline or um with our son Colin he as an adult the this it was the hardest time for us as parents and you know he went through a lot of stuff and that parents should never have to go through and we disagreed in a lot of ways to handle that.
• 34:44
  Amy Halsey: But the best I think if when you stop once you have said your side or shared your feelings if when you stop and you put yourself in their perspective and their shoes and and and actually think the way that they're thinking you know it it it it helps a lot and it's it's hard to do.
• 35:01
  Amy Halsey: I almost feel like it takes practice to do that.
• 35:03
  Amy Halsey: But you know as teachers we even tell we talk about empathy with our students and that's putting yourself in their shoes.
• 35:09
  Amy Halsey: And so it's almost um kind of like that.
• 35:13
  Shannon Griffin: I always ground ours like in certain um settings to like grounding yourself like a like I'll be like time out and I'll stop and I'll like grab his hand I'm like we're on the same team.
• 35:23
  Shannon Griffin: You and I it's us like we're team Shandon whatever you want to call it like we want the same thing.
• 35:30
  Shannon Griffin: Okay like we we want the same thing.
• 35:32
  Shannon Griffin: So like a lot of times like if it starts to become like a you're taking it personally type thing I'll stop and be like whatever I'm giving off or whatever you're giving off it feels personal or it feels like this but you and I are on the same team.
• 35:46
  Shannon Griffin: I'm gonna keep coming back to that like I'm not against you so like don't be defensive.
• 35:50
  Shannon Griffin: I'm I want you to be happy too we just are trying to get to the to a compromise or a solution but we're on the same team.
• 35:57
  Shannon Griffin: I think it's important to continue to say that like it's me and you it's me and you like we're not against each other.
• 36:03
  Khalila McCoy: We can disagree and still be on the same team and just come somewhere in the middle yeah I saw something recently somebody posted it was just like you know like you didn't do the distance does not equal you are a bad husband, like things like that.
• 36:18
  Khalila McCoy: We just hear it and we take it and run with it.
• 36:21
  Khalila McCoy: And like you said, there might be some things in your past or something that you're internalizing but it's hard especially right if this is your best friend the person who knows you the best and they're questioning or critiquing something that you've done it's hard not to just you know take it in as like oh everything is wrong with me now and you you know you just don't like me and it kind of almost goes back to the your beginning of like oh well this is who I am so it makes you reflect and that's always hard to look in the mirror and notice those mistakes that you have.
• 36:55
  Laura Ellis: Yeah.
• 36:57
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
• 36:58
  Laura Ellis: Well Shannon just gave me some good advice.
• 37:00
  Laura Ellis: We're on the same team Chris we're on the same team we're all gonna be notes right now.
• 37:10
  Khalila McCoy: You should get a shirt made and before you go argue with your husband just put it on I'll be like oh gosh here we'll be on my argument shirt write our team name on it that's not a bad idea you know that's really not a bad idea.
• 37:25
  Khalila McCoy: A reminder.
• 37:27
  Shannon Griffin: It's like the marriage shirt on the parenting shirt you know you have kids in the shirt together and make them work it out.
• 37:33
  Khalila McCoy: I'd like to it'll be a good uh note for the kids too like hey you can't put mom and dad against each other.
• 37:40
  Amy Halsey: Right exactly oh goodness goes somebody says something I have to I feel like I have to stop and reflect about like pause I'm like let me think about that.
• 37:50
  Amy Halsey: I did write that down and come back to it.
• 37:52
  Shannon Griffin: But in the teaching I think it gets harder it's easy or to say I feel like when our kids are younger or high school whatever because you have a lot of you're doing so many things together and within you know and when it becomes just a two of you it's like okay it's a team of two instead of a team of four or five or Shannon's case how many seven yeah which can I say a side note Laura because I think you're the one that told me recently about like wishing boys like parents to talk to their boys about girls' menstrual cycles and like understanding that I thought you had mentioned it and I I want you to know I took your advice and I had that conversation with Langston my soon to be sixth grader and explained it to him and and like he really like took it on and I was like I just want you to know like he goes all girls all women and I was like yeah man you gotta be you have to be really empathetic and be sympathetic to what they might be going through.
• 38:48
  Shannon Griffin: But I want to say that I did take your advice and it's like it's up to us to learn these things from each other and like pass down to the next generation of of people who will be partners and spouses for other people's kids.
• 39:01
  Laura Ellis: That's exactly what you just said I mean that's that's that's how you have to look through that lens of like he is going to marry someone some someday and she's going to thank you.
• 39:10
  Laura Ellis: She's gonna be like wow yeah yeah you know the things we learned.
• 39:15
  Amy Halsey: Yeah except I'm not thanking my mother in law because she taught about how to do everything perfectly like the irons the shirts okay who irons anymore you know like all of a sudden and I think that Mike does some of that stuff which I I appreciate but don't expect I said right after yeah first year marriage.
• 39:34
  Kate Reing: Sorry I'm not gonna be your mom so I know you were oh sorry go ahead go ahead go ahead Kate I was I was gonna do another question unless we well I feel like we've been talking a lot about parenting and the a question you sent Khalila that really stuck out to me was how has parenting shaped your marriage for better or for harder or for both and I think it kind of to me you know you talk about being on a team and that has really solidified you know your partnership when we have three kids and you know deciding what to do and getting on the same page has been challenging but it also has been very rewarding of like seeing your I don't know your values as a family passed down to your children.
• 40:27
  Kate Reing: Um and then I think too like it has helped me appreciate Eric a lot more like you know talk about women being nurturers and stuff and and I tend to want to like you know show my love through acts of service and like helping my kids and he is very much like helping to grow their independence and saying like you need to stop doing the laundry for them like they can do it themselves.
• 40:48
  Kate Reing: You know so like that is something that I appreciate of like our yin and yang when it comes to parenting of how he brings a lot to the table that I feel like needs to come to the table that I I don't do.
• 41:02
  Laura Ellis: Sounds like the balance like how you balance each other in parenting your kids that's what I was thinking about I come from a single parent home and so my mom raised me and my dad wasn't in the picture and so I always reflect back on my mom and how she didn't have anyone to kind of work with all she had was herself.
• 41:27
  Laura Ellis: Yeah and so I can't imagine because like what you just said Kate you know I Chris and I do so well together.
• 41:34
  Laura Ellis: Um you know when I'm having an off day raising the kids he would always pick me up and vice versa you know and like it sometimes you just stand back the things he's saying to them and you're like wow and then I say to him later I'm like wow what you just said to Grace or whoever was just so spot on and you couldn't have said it any better.
• 41:57
  Amy Halsey: And so yeah that's what I love about having a partner makes our job just that much easier and that feeling of being supported and you know yeah absolutely I think it's important to make sure we tell them that as well or tell each other you know you we're so like jump right at when we we can just tell them right away when they did something wrong or you know whether it starts an argument or not but to to actually talk about that later and say you know I really like the way that you said this and um just I think we I feel like we haven't complimented or thanked each other enough you gotta have each other's back too.
• 42:40
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
• 42:40
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah I think for us since we're still in the early stages you know Miles is five for us I think seeing him has kind of put a mirror up to us.
• 42:52
  Khalila McCoy: So right he's in that age of where he mimics what we do he says what we say and sometimes it's like so there's this thing that Miles was doing for a while and like whenever someone would say something he'd be like no it's actually this and I was like this is so annoying like stop saying it stop saying it and then one day DJ was finally like you know you say that all the time right and I was like no and I was like it is and I was like no one's ever told me that I do that I was like it's horrible but he was mimicking me so I was like okay I'm seeing right the things that I'm like okay well probably people don't want to talk to me anymore because I'm always doing this.
• 43:33
  Khalila McCoy: He's like no you usually just do it to me and I was like oh man so I feel like it's brought up like okay there's certain things that I do that I don't want to see other people do or Jess and the person that Miles is becoming like who am I what am I modeling for him?
• 43:50
  Khalila McCoy: What am I showing him?
• 43:51
  Khalila McCoy: So and we'll both step back and you know Miles will sometimes tell us like hey like sometimes he gets mad at us like you're not a good mom Me today and like DJ will talk about it.
• 44:02
  Khalila McCoy: And I'm like, okay, well, I probably could have done certain things differently.
• 44:06
  Khalila McCoy: So it makes us reflect and then we laugh about it and talk about it with each other.
• 44:10
  Khalila McCoy: And then like I can see him trying to do things differently.
• 44:14
  Khalila McCoy: And then I know he sees me do things differently.
• 44:16
  Khalila McCoy: So I think for us in this early stage, it's just helping us grow as human beings.
• 44:25
  Shannon Griffin: And I think, you know, parenting and marriage is like you literally are try are modeling the blueprint of how you should treat other people.
• 44:33
  Shannon Griffin: And not only how you should treat other people, but you're essentially saying, This is a person I've chosen and I love the most and want to be my family, my chosen family.
• 44:43
  Shannon Griffin: And so I should be treating this person the best, right?
• 44:47
  Shannon Griffin: Or or whatever.
• 44:48
  Shannon Griffin: And so you were saying, you know, like how's parenting shaped or changed your marriage?
• 44:53
  Shannon Griffin: Good, you know, better or worse.
• 44:56
  Shannon Griffin: And I would say, like, in just in different seasons of our marriage, there were things that became more glaring as our kids started to get older, where they would start to speak to me in a certain way or respond to me in a certain way that was parroting how he was talking to me.
• 45:11
  Shannon Griffin: And it was very glaring to both of us.
• 45:13
  Shannon Griffin: And like a wake-up call of like, he would get so angry, like, why are you talking to your mother this way?
• 45:18
  Shannon Griffin: And I'd be like, Uh, yeah, you know, hello.
• 45:21
  Shannon Griffin: Right?
• 45:22
  Shannon Griffin: Like, who else do they see that's you know talking to me this way?
• 45:25
  Shannon Griffin: And so that was a big eye-opener, too, to see to say that, like, you know, we talk about this as teachers, which is crazy is that we always talk about development and child development and relationships and things like that.
• 45:37
  Shannon Griffin: And um, you know, we say like the unspoken curriculum, kids are always watching like how we interact and they can pick up on unspoken things and body language and everything.
• 45:46
  Shannon Griffin: And so having children is like that it puts a microscope on your relationship and your verbal and non-verbal communication.
• 45:56
  Shannon Griffin: And like you said, it's also it's a mirror, but then it's also like you know, like a little reflection, like a little mini me walking around.
• 46:04
  Shannon Griffin: And I'm like, you know, and then you feel like the sense of responsibility of like, I can't have my children growing up thinking this is the proper way to communicate to somebody that they love, um, or even like, you know, like what how can I model this?
• 46:18
  Shannon Griffin: And then it turns into like not only do we model it together, but then modeling it back to them.
• 46:22
  Shannon Griffin: And that goes back to learning more emotional intelligence of like understanding yourself and how we how we're supposed to interact with each other.
• 46:30
  Shannon Griffin: Yeah.
• 46:32
  Amy Halsey: And and I'll even say, because you know, Ella has a uh is in a serious relationship, and I'll say, you know, and not not to be mean or accusatory of of him or anything, but to say, would you want uh how would you feel if Blake said or did that to Ella?
• 46:48
  Amy Halsey: You know, and and again, that's put it, you know, you think of that in a different perspective in a different way too.
• 46:54
  Amy Halsey: You know, would you you know would you want you know, Blake te doing this or saying this to her?
• 47:00
  Amy Halsey: And so, you know, it helps you think about how you talk to each other and how your your kids are seeing everything.
• 47:05
  Amy Halsey: And I do have to say real quick, Mike's parents have been married 55 years, and my parents have been married 65 years.
• 47:13
  Amy Halsey: Oh and they they both married young, but but I mean that's you know that's amazing.
• 47:19
  Amy Halsey: Yeah, it it really is for you think about 2026 and that.
• 47:24
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
• 47:25
  Laura Ellis: Yeah, because I could go to the flip side and I could say my mom was married three times and divorced three times, and my dad was married three times and divorced three times.
• 47:33
  Laura Ellis: Oh my god.
• 47:34
  Laura Ellis: We can have that about it.
• 47:37
  Laura Ellis: Yeah.
• 47:41
  Khalila McCoy: Well, Griffin, I know your parents are married.
• 47:43
  Khalila McCoy: How long have they been married?
• 47:44
  Laura Ellis: Yeah, a long time.
• 47:46
  Shannon Griffin: Um forty f they'll be forty-four um years on my birthday this year.
• 47:52
  Shannon Griffin: So nice.
• 47:53
  Shannon Griffin: Yeah.
• 47:53
  Shannon Griffin: So their anniversary's on my birthday.
• 47:55
  Shannon Griffin: Or my birthday's on their anniversary.
• 47:57
  Shannon Griffin: I stole the spotlight for a long time.
• 48:01
  Shannon Griffin: No, but now I let them have it back.
• 48:04
  Laura Ellis: What about ring?
• 48:05
  Laura Ellis: What were your parents married?
• 48:06
  Laura Ellis: Where were they?
• 48:07
  Kate Reing: Uh 50 years.
• 48:08
  Kate Reing: Oh yeah.
• 48:10
  Laura Ellis: So yeah, that was last year, yeah.
• 48:12
  Kate Reing: Yeah.
• 48:13
  Kate Reing: Yeah.
• 48:14
  Khalila McCoy: I don't know how long my parents have been.
• 48:16
  Khalila McCoy: I want to say like upper 40s, early 50s.
• 48:19
  Khalila McCoy: I don't know.
• 48:19
  Khalila McCoy: I should probably know this.
• 48:21
  Khalila McCoy: I know their anniversary is August 12th.
• 48:24
  Khalila McCoy: I just never remember how many years it's been.
• 48:25
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah, that's good.
• 48:26
  Kate Reing: So then another August.
• 48:29
  Kate Reing: So not the on-man hour.
• 48:31
  Kate Reing: You and my mom and dad.
• 48:34
  Kate Reing: I'll end up somewhere between 40 and 50 some years.
• 48:40
  Kate Reing: There you go.
• 48:46
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
• 48:48
  Shannon Griffin: All right, who's next?
• 48:49
  Shannon Griffin: Unfortunately, you guys both took my questions.
• 48:53
  Shannon Griffin: Those are like my two top questions.
• 48:57
  Shannon Griffin: I want to say though, one thing about what Halsey Amy said um at the beginning, because she started off with like, how has your definition of love changed?
• 49:08
  Shannon Griffin: And I there's a couple of things I feel like I want to say, but like I think at the beginning, I looked at love.
• 49:18
  Shannon Griffin: It's like you're supposed to find your soulmate, right?
• 49:21
  Shannon Griffin: Like you have this romantic vision of like, I find the person and they're gonna be the one for me, and it's gonna, you know, they're gonna compliment me and they're gonna think the same way.
• 49:31
  Shannon Griffin: And then of course, you know, I met my husband, he was like, I don't believe in soulmates.
• 49:34
  Khalila McCoy: I'm like, what?
• 49:35
  Shannon Griffin: And I was like, okay.
• 49:36
  Shannon Griffin: And I, you know, as we all have talked about how opposite we are of our husbands, right?
• 49:41
  Shannon Griffin: And but I still held on to this like dream fantasy of like, but you're my soulmate, but you're my soulmate.
• 49:46
  Shannon Griffin: And um, I've looked at it more now, you know, we renewed our vows um a couple of years ago and kind of wrote our own vows um to each other in this new season of life.
• 49:59
  Shannon Griffin: And we, you know, had gone through lots of ups and downs, lots of downs.
• 50:04
  Shannon Griffin: Um, and so recommitting to each other and renewing our vows and writing them ourselves meant so much more, I think, than even at the beginning.
• 50:12
  Shannon Griffin: But I looked at like in my vows, I wrote about how had this obsession with being um, you know, having a soul mate, but I started looking at marriage as more like the verb of how do you be or how can you be a soul mate?
• 50:30
  Shannon Griffin: Like how how do you try to align yourself and see this other person as like an extension of you?
• 50:37
  Shannon Griffin: Like you can't like caring about them in the way that you care about themselves and holding their needs and wants and desires at the same level as yourself because you know that they're gonna do the same kind of thing.
• 50:49
  Shannon Griffin: Like, how can you you know nurture that part of you and look at it more of like a verb than just a thing?
• 50:56
  Shannon Griffin: Like I'm gonna say you're my soulmate, and it's this, you know, thing I can't see or touch or feel, but I know it was supposed to be this versus what is it like to live what that would be, that kind of thing.
• 51:07
  Shannon Griffin: And it kind of goes back to what you were saying, Halsey, with the definition of like we we've talked a lot about how love is a choice, and I choose to love him every day for who he is right here, right now, past, present.
• 51:22
  Shannon Griffin: And like it's really important, I think, for even people getting into new marriages to recognize that love every day is a choice.
• 51:30
  Shannon Griffin: Every day, like not just the day you get married, like every day I'm choosing to say I love you, and I'm going to put everything of me into you as we do this thing called life together.
• 51:44
  Shannon Griffin: Because it's a lot.
• 51:45
  Shannon Griffin: Yeah, it's really a lot.
• 51:47
  Khalila McCoy: That was really good, Griffin.
• 51:49
  Khalila McCoy: I feel like we should just take that snippet and just share it with everybody before they get married.
• 51:55
  Shannon Griffin: I mean, it really is because you don't, I mean, you really don't think of it that way.
• 51:58
  Shannon Griffin: I am taking it as as choosing your like saying to this person, I choose you every day, even when it sucks, even when you are on my nerves.
• 52:08
  Amy Halsey: Yeah.
• 52:08
  Amy Halsey: There's gonna be days when you feel like I don't choose, I don't want to choose you, or I don't and not looking at it as a destination.
• 52:16
  Khalila McCoy: I thought that lovey dovey feeling would last.
• 52:18
  Khalila McCoy: You know, like you know, I've heard people who are divorced say, like, oh, I fell out of love.
• 52:23
  Khalila McCoy: And I always wonder, like, how could you fall out of love with somebody?
• 52:27
  Khalila McCoy: And unfortunately, I've been in situations where I'm like, oh, this is what they were talking about.
• 52:30
  Khalila McCoy: But then, like you said, I still choose to stay and fight and work through it.
• 52:37
  Khalila McCoy: And I know that he does the same thing with me as well.
• 52:40
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah.
• 52:41
  Shannon Griffin: Because love is what you do, it's not a feeling, you know, like it's and I I've actually bought a plaque for us after we renewed our vows.
• 52:48
  Shannon Griffin: It's it's hanging.
• 52:49
  Shannon Griffin: I have like a little collage of stuff with our vows, and the plaque says there's no such thing as a perfect marriage, just two imperfect people that never give up on each other.
• 52:59
  Shannon Griffin: And it's like my daily reminder is like we suck, like as humans, we're trying to make this life work, but we know we're imperfect and we choose each other every day.
• 53:10
  Shannon Griffin: I always say that we're imperfectly perfect.
• 53:13
  Amy Halsey: Exactly.
• 53:14
  Amy Halsey: Exactly.
• 53:15
  Amy Halsey: Here's one that I kind of had a can I give you one that I kind of had a hard time actually with.
• 53:22
  Amy Halsey: I think I think we may have talked about this before too, Shannon.
• 53:25
  Amy Halsey: I think you especially, but it was what's something that your husband does that makes you feel seen, chosen, or pursued even in the middle of regular life.
• 53:35
  Amy Halsey: Because I think that's important, you know, important, but it I really like kind of had to think about it.
• 53:41
  Laura Ellis: I personally like I've gotten to like when my when Chris like texts me in the middle of the day.
• 53:47
  Laura Ellis: I mean he normally does that, but there are some days when he doesn't do it, and then I'm always like, well, I wonder why he didn't text me today.
• 53:53
  Laura Ellis: You know?
• 53:55
  Laura Ellis: So I've grown to really like appreciate that because I know he's working and he's busy, but he takes time out of his day just to say, hey babe, how's your how's your day going?
• 54:06
  Laura Ellis: And um, yeah.
• 54:08
  Laura Ellis: And then we we're we're really big on like, you know, kissing each other before we leave for work, telling each other that we love, you know, each other.
• 54:16
  Laura Ellis: We do it at the end of the night.
• 54:18
  Laura Ellis: Um, every night when we get into bed, on most nights, if it's not like past 11, we'll give back rubs every night and just kind of just enjoy each other's company and then say goodnight and go to sleep.
• 54:31
  Laura Ellis: So I appreciate that too.
• 54:35
  Khalila McCoy: So mine that makes me feel seen is DJ will sometimes just stare at me and it's like really awkward.
• 54:42
  Khalila McCoy: But I'm always like, why are you staring?
• 54:45
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah, and he's just like, you're just so beautiful, or he'll just be like, You're just such a good mom.
• 54:49
  Khalila McCoy: Like, and it will be in the middle of just the random thing.
• 54:52
  Khalila McCoy: Like, we'll be at the grocery store, and I'm like, dude, stop it.
• 54:55
  Khalila McCoy: But it's it's awkward, right?
• 54:56
  Khalila McCoy: But it's like that moment of him, him really taking it in and appreciating appreciating me.
• 55:01
  Khalila McCoy: So sweet.
• 55:02
  Khalila McCoy: I really love that he does that because it makes me feel like you know he still loves me and sees me, and it doesn't matter what we're going through.
• 55:12
  Khalila McCoy: He's like you said, choosing me.
• 55:14
  Khalila McCoy: So yeah.
• 55:15
  Laura Ellis: I'm gonna tell Chris that one.
• 55:17
  Laura Ellis: I like that one.
• 55:18
  Kate Reing: That one too.
• 55:19
  Kate Reing: Just stare at me.
• 55:23
  Shannon Griffin: Take me in.
• 55:24
  Shannon Griffin: I want to have a weird look on your face while like staring at me.
• 55:29
  Amy Halsey: Oh there's an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where they they're playing some game and they're literally like sitting at the bed staring at each other.
• 55:37
  Amy Halsey: And Ray Ray does it like for two seconds.
• 55:39
  Amy Halsey: It's and then she's getting all mad.
• 55:42
  Laura Ellis: So funny.
• 55:42
  Laura Ellis: Yeah, that's that show.
• 55:44
  Laura Ellis: It really hits home nowadays.
• 55:45
  Amy Halsey: I love that show.
• 55:46
  Amy Halsey: I do too.
• 55:47
  Amy Halsey: I mean, and that's real, I feel like that show is real life.
• 55:54
  Amy Halsey: A lot of she yells a lot.
• 55:56
  Amy Halsey: They both have their flaws, but a lot of those episodes are spot on.
• 56:00
  Amy Halsey: Yeah.
• 56:01
  Amy Halsey: Yeah.
• 56:02
  Amy Halsey: I think too, w when our teeth when since we're all teachers and we know how hard we work.
• 56:08
  Amy Halsey: And, you know, I've been teaching 30 years, and so, you know, Mike knows what the beginning of the year looks like, what the end of the year looks like.
• 56:16
  Amy Halsey: Um, I will say there's been lots of times where I feel like he didn't realize that, like during some of the hard times, you know, during the year.
• 56:24
  Amy Halsey: But for the most part, I think um them acknowledging, you know, how our careers and how much time and effort we put into it, and I think how much we care about our kids and the type of personalities we have to have, and that we do have, I feel, like as teachers.
• 56:40
  Amy Halsey: Absolutely.
• 56:41
  Amy Halsey: Yeah.
• 56:41
  Amy Halsey: And they all know my family has always known like when it's after a Valentine's Day party or you know, Christmas and stuff.
• 56:48
  Amy Halsey: Okay.
• 56:48
  Amy Halsey: Hey guys, we have to all sit down.
• 56:49
  Amy Halsey: Let me show you the the notes I got.
• 56:51
  Amy Halsey: Exactly.
• 56:53
  Amy Halsey: Yeah.
• 56:54
  Amy Halsey: But you know why I'm gonna say something is that I feel like one of the reasons that I want my kids or I wanted my kids to s to listen to the notes that parents wrote to me was for them to to see that because I you know, I feel like again, I put I put students before my own kids for so many years.
• 57:14
  Amy Halsey: And, you know, I feel like this is a way for them to at least see that this is what I was doing.
• 57:20
  Amy Halsey: You know, maybe I didn't sit down and play that game with you or rate to you, and I'm you know, I'm sorry, but and this is this is why.
• 57:26
  Amy Halsey: And, you know, it wasn't just because I didn't want to do it.
• 57:29
  Amy Halsey: Um does that make sense?
• 57:30
  Amy Halsey: Just to yeah.
• 57:32
  Amy Halsey: Or I remember being at a graduation party, Elle and I both went because we both um knew this person, and um it was one of my students though, and the the mom came up and in front of her was just you know saying the nicest things to me.
• 57:46
  Amy Halsey: And you know, afterwards she's you know, she was like, Mom, that's really, you know, you you must really be a good teacher and stuff like that.
• 57:52
  Amy Halsey: So selfishly that's just something that I you know appreciate.
• 57:57
  Khalila McCoy: So yeah.
• 58:00
  Shannon Griffin: I'm trying to think of like this like specific things that he does.
• 58:07
  Shannon Griffin: I think they're more wrapped into like what we do together anymore.
• 58:13
  Shannon Griffin: Um because you guys were mentioning like we do carve out time and nowadays we carve out time every day um together, where we generally spend I don't know, like the like between eight or nine to ten, thirty, eleven every night together doing something.
• 58:33
  Shannon Griffin: So whether it's and and we've just we've realized it doesn't have to be the same thing that his love language is quality time, and it's quality time where I'm just in the vicinity.
• 58:42
  Shannon Griffin: Like my my pin on the map is in your vicinity, and so that makes you happy.
• 58:48
  Shannon Griffin: You don't have to talk to me, you don't we don't have to interact, but just because I'm nearby, you love that and that works great.
• 58:54
  Shannon Griffin: And so, like we'll do stuff together and he'll read a book and I'll color, or you know, we like to play a lot of card games, but we generally like every night we start with like a decompression like time.
• 59:07
  Shannon Griffin: And I actually looked up, I was looking at some articles because I had read through one that was like people that have good marriages do these five things, and there's like the clickbaity ones, and there's a thousand of them, but there was one that I was like, oh, this is kind of like us, and it was setting a time to decompress and whether it's together or apart.
• 59:25
  Shannon Griffin: And so one thing I've really, really learned, and this can go into one of your questions, Khalila, because one of the questions was like, What are you still learning about your husband now that you didn't know before?
• 59:34
  Shannon Griffin: And understanding um how he needs to decompress, like at the end of the day.
• 59:41
  Shannon Griffin: Like, I know we're both teachers, and so I was gonna say, like, to your point, Amy, like Ken and I were just talking the other day about how much we appreciated the fact that we were both teachers, so we understood how drained we are, like at like the last week of school or whatever, like how we're both looked at each other, like, I don't want to speak or talk or anything right now, but just sit here and be very, very quiet.
• 1:00:00
  Shannon Griffin: Um, so we at least have that, but to like give each other space, like and now I ask specifically when he comes home.
• 1:00:08
  Shannon Griffin: It used to be he would be in a mood and I'd be like, Oh God, you know, what did I do?
• 1:00:11
  Shannon Griffin: And I'd be trying to please.
• 1:00:12
  Shannon Griffin: I'm a pleaser.
• 1:00:13
  Shannon Griffin: So I'd be like following him around, trying to please him by doing something.
• 1:00:16
  Shannon Griffin: And really, what it needed to be was just alone and like in a silent room for 30 minutes.
• 1:00:21
  Shannon Griffin: And here I am, like following him around trying to make him feel better.
• 1:00:24
  Shannon Griffin: It's so I think decompression time, whether it's like separate and then together, um, is super, super important because we need that, like especially teachers, because we're on all day long.
• 1:00:36
  Shannon Griffin: I think like we just need a minute to like not be overstimulated when we get home.
• 1:00:44
  Shannon Griffin: And then when we decompress, we also just like we do like a recap of the day.
• 1:00:48
  Shannon Griffin: It's kind of like checking in where you are emotionally, physically, mentally, and we go through the list of kids and we talk about how everybody's day was, and then we just kind of hang out together and do something for each other.
• 1:01:00
  Shannon Griffin: But I think that has made a huge, huge difference because we can anticipate, oh, later on this week is gonna be really, really busy.
• 1:01:08
  Shannon Griffin: And so what can we do in the middle of the week to connect?
• 1:01:11
  Shannon Griffin: Like not too long ago, Candon was like, we have this going on, this going on, and this going on.
• 1:01:16
  Shannon Griffin: And so Wednesday, he's like, we need to physically connect.
• 1:01:19
  Shannon Griffin: And it's because like we both know that's like our love language, and one of our love languages, and if we don't stop and say we're gonna do this, or we don't stop and say, Okay, on this day, let's make sure at 10 o'clock we sit down and do whatever it is, because it's gonna be a stressful week, and that will help us on you know get through the hump of the week and whatever is coming next, if we make sure we can anticipate the stressors and be like, let's make sure we come together during this time in a positive way.
• 1:01:46
  Shannon Griffin: And it really is helped.
• 1:01:47
  Shannon Griffin: That's good.
• 1:01:48
  Shannon Griffin: Yeah, good.
• 1:01:49
  Shannon Griffin: Okay, you guys do a lot of great stuff, Griffin.
• 1:01:52
  Shannon Griffin: Hey, you know, we we had to go through we had to go through it to get to it.
• 1:01:57
  Shannon Griffin: I like that.
• 1:02:00
  Shannon Griffin: You know.
• 1:02:02
  Laura Ellis: But I love the part too, but I love the part that he's willing to do all the work as well.
• 1:02:07
  Laura Ellis: So that's like and I think that's great.
• 1:02:10
  Shannon Griffin: Yeah.
• 1:02:12
  Laura Ellis: Yeah.
• 1:02:14
  Khalila McCoy: Because it is work.
• 1:02:15
  Khalila McCoy: It is work.
• 1:02:16
  Shannon Griffin: It is, it is.
• 1:02:16
  Shannon Griffin: That's that's the advice.
• 1:02:18
  Shannon Griffin: Marriage is a job.
• 1:02:19
  Shannon Griffin: It's a full-time job.
• 1:02:20
  Shannon Griffin: Yes.
• 1:02:20
  Shannon Griffin: That we choose and we love, but it's a job.
• 1:02:25
  Khalila McCoy: Yep.
• 1:02:25
  Khalila McCoy: Kate, what was your answer to that question?
• 1:02:31
  Kate Reing: You know, you guys were all like super positive and like these wonderful things.
• 1:02:36
  Kate Reing: So I I kind of I'm gonna take a little bit of a different tone because I feel like um like I one of the things I try to work on with myself is like I feel like I get my value through other people.
• 1:02:50
  Kate Reing: And sometimes I rely too much on like other like trying to be the perfect person, the perfect mom, the perfect wife.
• 1:02:56
  Kate Reing: And I think that that the way Eric shows like the way I appreciate him showing his love for me is when I'm imperfect.
• 1:03:02
  Kate Reing: When I have a bad parenting moment and I yell at one of the kids, and I go back and he like calms me down, and he doesn't judge me for it.
• 1:03:10
  Kate Reing: Like, that's what I appreciate the most, is he's never like, you really shouldn't have done that.
• 1:03:14
  Kate Reing: He's like, you know what?
• 1:03:15
  Kate Reing: That happens sometimes.
• 1:03:16
  Kate Reing: Like you'll get him next time, like it'll be better next time.
• 1:03:20
  Kate Reing: And so, like, in those moments of like vulnerability when I'm like not my best self and he still supports me.
• 1:03:29
  Kate Reing: I think that's the part where I feel probably the most loved.
• 1:03:32
  Kate Reing: So I love that giving you that grace, yeah.
• 1:03:37
  Kate Reing: I probably should do that a little more for him too.
• 1:03:44
  Kate Reing: That's why we're reflecting right now.
• 1:03:47
  Kate Reing: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:03:48
  Kate Reing: Yeah.
• 1:03:49
  Shannon Griffin: I never really thought of that before.
• 1:03:51
  Shannon Griffin: How should I think?
• 1:03:52
  Shannon Griffin: Like next week, we need to get back on and see like how happy our husbands are when we have a conversation.
• 1:03:58
  Khalila McCoy: Go put all this into action and then be like, the boys are gonna be like, uh, you should have your wives talk together way more often.
• 1:04:09
  Amy Halsey: Are you are your husbands gonna watch this podcast?
• 1:04:12
  Amy Halsey: I mean, do you are you encouraging them either one way or the other to or not to?
• 1:04:18
  Shannon Griffin: I don't, I haven't said anything, actually.
• 1:04:20
  Shannon Griffin: I was waiting to see what he said.
• 1:04:22
  Shannon Griffin: I was afraid he was gonna be like, wait, what?
• 1:04:25
  Shannon Griffin: Uh what are you gonna say?
• 1:04:26
  Shannon Griffin: Like I said, we had to go through it to get to it.
• 1:04:28
  Shannon Griffin: So he's gonna be like, yeah.
• 1:04:32
  Amy Halsey: Hey Khalila, maybe you should do a podcast with our husband.
• 1:04:36
  Khalila McCoy: Um funny thing.
• 1:04:41
  Shannon Griffin: We should ask a good idea.
• 1:04:46
  Khalila McCoy: What if they do it?
• 1:04:47
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah, okay.
• 1:04:49
  Khalila McCoy: Well ask them, like you can just ask them if they would be willing to.
• 1:04:52
  Khalila McCoy: I know they don't know each other as well, which could be even more interesting, I think.
• 1:04:56
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah, they kind of because they've all met each other because they're not like friends like we are.
• 1:05:01
  Shannon Griffin: Right.
• 1:05:02
  Laura Ellis: I actually like this.
• 1:05:03
  Shannon Griffin: And then we can all come back together and do one all together.
• 1:05:08
  Kate Reing: I would listen to it.
• 1:05:09
  Kate Reing: I'd be like, yeah.
• 1:05:11
  Laura Ellis: Oh, I am so intrigued.
• 1:05:14
  Laura Ellis: Please.
• 1:05:15
  Amy Halsey: Yeah, if Khalila, if you if you can get them talking, that would be that would be amazing.
• 1:05:20
  Amy Halsey: We might learn more from that than I might learn more than 30 years.
• 1:05:24
  Khalila McCoy: I would have to not be there.
• 1:05:25
  Khalila McCoy: So like maybe like DJ could run it or something, because it has to be like, you know, all the guys.
• 1:05:29
  Khalila McCoy: Because if you listen to the street different, but if it's just the guys, when Eric and I first were getting married.
• 1:05:43
  Amy Halsey: I think this is for the greater good.
• 1:05:44
  Amy Halsey: Like if our if our husbands are willing to do that and people watch this and we've all been married a different number of years, you know, why not help why not, you know, be vulnerable a little bit and help people that are starting marriages or wherever they are?
• 1:05:58
  Amy Halsey: probably have to promise them something.
• 1:06:03
  Khalila McCoy: We know what they're gonna want.
• 1:06:05
  Khalila McCoy: Oh that's amazing.
• 1:06:07
  Khalila McCoy: They're doing it.
• 1:06:13
  Khalila McCoy: It's good.
• 1:06:17
  Amy Halsey: Time to contract or something.
• 1:06:21
  Laura Ellis: What were you gonna say, Rang?
• 1:06:22
  Laura Ellis: You said when we were first married.
• 1:06:24
  Kate Reing: Oh well we work Eric and I are Catholic and so we had to meet with a priest and do like a questionnaire.
• 1:06:30
  Kate Reing: It was like a pretty much like a compatibility test.
• 1:06:33
  Kate Reing: And after the priest went over he was like wow you guys are like super compatible.
• 1:06:37
  Kate Reing: And I was like man Eric I can't believe we like answered the same thing for every question.
• 1:06:40
  Shannon Griffin: He's like because I just thought what you would think that's how you knew he was a keeper though.
• 1:06:48
  Shannon Griffin: That's how you knew he was a keeper.
• 1:06:52
  Kate Reing: I love that way to understand the assignment I was like well we're in so funny.
• 1:07:00
  Shannon Griffin: I love it.
• 1:07:00
  Shannon Griffin: I love it.
• 1:07:08
  Khalila McCoy: Okay well I'm going to end us with a Swier question.
• 1:07:12
  Khalila McCoy: I had fun figuring out this one.
• 1:07:14
  Khalila McCoy: So the one about if your marriage had a theme song based on your daily life what would it be?
• 1:07:22
  Amy Halsey: Roller coaster what's it literally and figuratively I'll let you just I'll just leave that there I love that gosh that's um have you ever heard somebody I I was thinking this I've heard this somewhere this too shall pass.
• 1:07:48
  Amy Halsey: And it just means your good times and your bad times you know the the challenges and things that come easy like no matter like the roller coaster no matter what it is it's it's you know I think that's important to as a parent too.
• 1:08:01
  Amy Halsey: You know my gosh how am I going to get through this?
• 1:08:03
  Amy Halsey: You know you might think it's the worst thing that your child could go through and then you know it it's true.
• 1:08:08
  Amy Halsey: I would say this two shall pass.
• 1:08:10
  Shannon Griffin: I'm not gonna sing like Griffin did but you can edit that out you can edit that out oh no it's gonna be part of the promo video of it oh my gosh you could do a rap version Laura could do a that'd be fun I I feel like this is a hard one I it was hard.
• 1:08:40
  Khalila McCoy: I had to really think through this one.
• 1:08:42
  Khalila McCoy: Well what's yours?
• 1:08:44
  Khalila McCoy: I did the Ed Sheeran song thinking uh thinking out loud I just love that song and I think that kind of goes well with us like the we found love where we are kind of thing I do really feel like no matter what's going on like that love is there and we just find new ways to connect and make it work.
• 1:09:06
  Khalila McCoy: So that's our song.
• 1:09:08
  Khalila McCoy: I love that yeah I don't know I'm kind of stumped I mean I'm that's tough one.
• 1:09:18
  Amy Halsey: I know I'm the one for you Laura since you love country music and I'm not a big country person but I would say are you gonna say Faith Hill and Tim McGirl?
• 1:09:25
  Amy Halsey: No God gave me you that's a good one God gave me you by Blake Sheldon right gave me you for the ups and downs oh I like that yeah just not a good one can I piggyback on that what's your song for me all right spin the wheel choose I'll give you a song okay what is it this part I did think about.
• 1:09:46
  Amy Halsey: So one of my favorite songs ever is Times like these.
• 1:09:50
  Amy Halsey: It's originally by the Foo Fighters but during COVID a lot of artists musical artists got together.
• 1:09:56
  Amy Halsey: If you haven't seen them both of them really um that song like personally has gotten me through so much the lyrics to that and I think it because it started I found it during COVID but yeah um you know it's times like these you learn to live again it's times like these you give and give again it's time like these you learn to love again.
• 1:10:14
  Shannon Griffin: Oh yeah look at you Halsey that is I love music and I this is the yeah this is but yeah that's a good one.
• 1:10:24
  Laura Ellis: We could do silly song well that's what I was gonna say I was gonna be funny and it wouldn't kill me.
• 1:10:31
  Amy Halsey: Uh oh it's your funny song Laura no no I won't say it's talk about sex baby and we want our song to be DJ would be yes perfectly asked not ask them that question right I'm sorry answer I think I'd want to hear that though I think I'd want to hear their answer yeah like I said ask I might have to go ask but I've forgotten all the questions that we've answered so now you guys can send me the list of questions.
• 1:11:15
  Khalila McCoy: I know right okay I'll send you an email all right so the last thing I ask every guest on here is now that we've heard your story, what do you want people to take away that can help them rise?
• 1:11:30
  Khalila McCoy: So thinking about newlyweds, people who've been married for a long time, someone who's thinking about should I get married, just any person out there, what would you want them to take away from your experience?
• 1:11:43
  Laura Ellis: I would say I would say do all that you can to be the best version of yourself and bring that to the table of a marriage and I feel like it's a constant battle of like working on yourself.
• 1:12:00
  Laura Ellis: I don't think it's like you just come to the marriage and you're just amazing.
• 1:12:04
  Laura Ellis: I think it's an everyday cycle of like making yourself better a better version of yourself.
• 1:12:12
  Laura Ellis: And I think lastly is just communication.
• 1:12:15
  Laura Ellis: I think communication is key in every aspect of a relationship regardless marriage together you know whatever I I feel like communication is key and I feel like you know looking at my family history um you know it you gotta you gotta really dig deep and you you sometimes you have to ask for help.
• 1:12:37
  Laura Ellis: I think that professional help is always a good thing in that area um in any area really um but yeah I just say be the best version of you I mine kind of goes along with yours.
• 1:12:51
  Amy Halsey: I think it's from a movie actually it's some uh uh you make me a better person you know and and because through all these years there are times when I didn't feel like that and so but I think that is I I like what you said about you know being your best version for yourself and for each other.
• 1:13:08
  Kate Reing: Yeah I think for me it's um you know we talked about being on the same team and it's about the partnership and it's about letting go of your own ego at times and you're like giving up some of your independence and becoming a true partner with whoever you choose and accepting them for their imperfectness and them accepting you for being imperfect but yet that constant trying to evolve together.
• 1:13:44
  Shannon Griffin: I think um for me I was looking at it as you know especially thinking about like newlywise or even I guess anybody that that's in a marriage or in a relationship is um can I talk a lot about how proud we are of ourselves of being able to essentially rise after everything that we have been through.
• 1:14:13
  Shannon Griffin: And how we hope that even at times when we're worried about will we be able to grow our marriage and stay in our marriage in a way that um fulfills each other and um you know after the things that we've been through, can we heal enough and grow enough together moving forward to stay in this partnership and we talk about how there's a lot of things that are still raw and still hurt right now and that come up um but that if we can continue to choose each other and show that to our kids um and they can see that mom and dad didn't always do it right and made mistakes and sometimes it was bad and sometimes it was this but man they really chose each other and came out on the other end like better people, better parents and I just hope that they see from our relationship that the worst can happen or whatever can happen.
• 1:15:19
  Shannon Griffin: But if you commit to somebody and you choose them that you can rise on the other side um better than you were before.
• 1:15:27
  Khalila McCoy: Um so sorry well said very well said mine kind of goes along with that just that idea that love is a verb that you're choosing that person that it's an action that it's not going to feel lovey dovey happy all the time but you still work through it and you work with that person.
• 1:15:51
  Khalila McCoy: Kind of everything we talked about the communication the time together um even choosing that time how are you spending your time so when your days are hard and long are you making sure that you're connecting with that person to make them feel seen and make them feel wanted and really looking like I had to do past myself to that person's needs and becoming really that idea of becoming one I love that too all right ladies well we did it with a lot of tears going around I was really trying to make it through the way you incorporated rise Griffin I was like I'm glad we ended on you understood the assignment I was really thoughtful about that one because that was because I know that's like the theme of your podcast I'm like oh man shaking it.
• 1:16:54
  Shannon Griffin: But good word.
• 1:16:55
  Khalila McCoy: Yeah I want to thank you all for your time.
• 1:16:58
  Khalila McCoy: I feel like we should just do this again sometime because I feel like this was a really good conversation.
• 1:17:04
  Khalila McCoy: When you guys were talking about earlier as you mentioned we're all teachers I feel like we could do an amazing podcast about teachers being overwhelmed and things like that and just talking about all the things that teachers do.
• 1:17:15
  Khalila McCoy: But I thank you for coming on today and talking about marriage and being vulnerable about a topic that like you said there's a lot of things we share today that people don't just openly share and talk about that people don't think about.
• 1:17:27
  Khalila McCoy: So I appreciate that and I know my listeners will love it as well.
• 1:17:31
  Khalila McCoy: And we'll work on the husbands coming up thanks for having us of course all right thank you thanks thank you that was okay you heard me say I was taking notes here are the things that really stayed with me.
• 1:17:52
  Khalila McCoy: Amy reminded us of the importance of knowing your core values DJ and I talked about this a lot before we got married but it's not a one and done conversation.
• 1:18:03
  Khalila McCoy: As life shifts especially with parenting and new situations come up it forced us to revisit what we value as a family and decide how we want to move forward together.
• 1:18:15
  Khalila McCoy: Laura spoke the truth when she said that relationships need to grow and evolve and sometimes that means getting help.
• 1:18:24
  Khalila McCoy: Growth takes time reflection and sometimes you might need counseling or you might need to pick up a book marriage isn't static.
• 1:18:33
  Khalila McCoy: It changes as we change Shannon said something that hit home we are on the same team at our house it's Team McCoy all day every day we only win if we win together and sometimes that balance looks like 6040 instead of 5050 it's a partnership where both people have to be invested and working towards the same goal.
• 1:18:58
  Khalila McCoy: Kate encouraged us to tell our spouse how much we appreciate them do they know the little things that we love that they do do we thank them for the big things it's so easy to take things for granted but appreciation helps keep the connection alive.
• 1:19:16
  Khalila McCoy: And all of us mentioned marriage is a commitment a daily decision to choose your person and it's not always easy.
• 1:19:25
  Khalila McCoy: As Shannon said sometimes you have to go through it to get to it.
• 1:19:29
  Khalila McCoy: Marriage can be hard.
• 1:19:32
  Khalila McCoy: We even joke that if we had recorded this on a different day you might have heard different stories and different answers to these questions but the commitment to grow together stays the same and I know some of you are fighting right now to keep your marriage alive.
• 1:19:49
  Khalila McCoy: Some of you are in the honeymoon phase.
• 1:19:51
  Khalila McCoy: Some of you are wondering if marriage is even for you I have walked through all three seasons so hear me when I say you are not alone find the support and wisdom you need to make the best move forward I know we've all heard this passage read at weddings but today I want you to pause and really let each line sink in love is patient love is kind love does not envy it does not boast it is not proud it does not dishonor others it is not self-seeking it is not easily angered it keeps no record of wrongs love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth it always protects always trusts always hopes it always perseveres love never fails one of the questions I asked the ladies was how has your definition of love evolved from year one of marriage to now this passage from 1 Corinthians is the definition I try to lean on not just in theory but in practice.
• 1:21:05
  Khalila McCoy: If you want to see the other questions I asked the group they are linked in the show notes.
• 1:21:10
  Khalila McCoy: Check them out and see what your answers are.
• 1:21:14
  Khalila McCoy: Alright y'all I've kept you long enough if you enjoyed this episode I'd love to hear from you.
• 1:21:20
  Khalila McCoy: Send me a message and let me know what resonated.
• 1:21:22
  Khalila McCoy: And don't forget to rate the show or leave a review on your podcast platform.
• 1:21:27
  Khalila McCoy: It helps episodes like this reach even more people who need these conversations.
• 1:21:32
  Khalila McCoy: And as you move through the rest of your day I hope you take a moment to listen a little louder to yourself, to the people you love and to the things that connect us in ways we sometimes forget to notice.
• 1:21:44
  Khalila McCoy: I'll meet you back here next time.
• 1:21:46
  Khalila McCoy: See ya bye