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Quiet Enemies, Quiet Courage · Fierce Encouragement

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there, this is Mark, and this is the podcast called Fierce Encouragement.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this episode is one of those that comes from living and my lived experience and not necessarily planning.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: I've been noticing how easy it is for me to turn on myself when things feel uncertain or wobbly.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then even how quickly my encouragement or my positive self-talk can turn into this weird pressure.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: So today I wanted to slow down and name something that doesn't get talked about enough shame.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: And most importantly, how do you stay on your own side and encourage yourself even when shame shows up?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: So how to encourage yourself when shame is running the show?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: So again, this is something I don't think we name enough that we don't point out enough or recognize in ourself enough.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Not fear, not the anxiety or the anger, but shame.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Our shame doesn't yell or holler at us.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: It whispers.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's really quiet.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And when shame runs the show, when it's running our mind, our creativity shuts down.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: That creative side of our brain shuts down.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And our ability to encourage ourselves or even have courage, that kind of heart of our projects and where we're going, that courage can leak out, and then we start turning on ourselves in essence.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are feeling this unmotivated or this sense of being stuck, or even oddly angry or frustrated, there is a good chance that shame is underneath it.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: This episode isn't about fixing shame.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: It is about leading yourself while it's present.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: What does shame actually do?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: What does shame actually do?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: So shame is that voice in us that kind of runs counter to fierce encouragement.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Shame says to us, something is wrong with me.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Not something that needs attention, but more about I am the problem.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And gosh, when that shame shows up for me, I know that anger and frustration and kind of this sense of lashing out with my thoughts and my attitude.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: It often follows that.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm shamed, when I feel like I am the problem, there's a sense of biting back and fighting back.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it really isn't because I'm broken or you're broken if you find those emotions coming up, but it's more about that our anger is trying to protect us.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: So shame is what they call a binding emotion.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: When we experience shame, whether it's in the past and how we learned it, or maybe somebody showed us, we can attach one of those emotions to shame when it shows up.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: So shame can kind of hide in your depression or in your anger or even in some other emotional struggle you might find yourself in.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Shame also collapses our nervous system.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: So shame will pull us down and you know get into that fight or flight nervous system reaction.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: You could say it's that lower brain stem.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I know anger for me is that attempt or that trying to restore my power, to trying to restore that balance, that sense of balance I have.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, it doesn't work well for long.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: It might give me that initial burst of being angry is good because it asserts my control.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: But most people get confused, right, at this point.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Most of us, including myself, can confuse our anger for the problem.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then we start that self-criticism loop, or maybe we confuse our depression and our sadness for the problem, and again we start to attack ourselves.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: The real danger here isn't shame.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's abandoning ourselves when it shows up.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Why would encouragement fail at this point when shame is active?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Why doesn't encouragement kind of push it off the table and let it go?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this is why I think positive thinking and kind of gritting your teeth and chanting positive mantras doesn't really work in those extremely hard moments.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: We can't shame ourselves into confidence.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think we can bully ourselves into courage either.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Encouragement isn't hype, but it's more about being present without that punishment, that dialogue of punishment.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: One way we can approach this and something that's worked for me, and it's still something I need to put into action when shame shows up or when I find those emotions popping up, is that shame needs um a container.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: We can't outmotivate it or um out talk it in a sense.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: But we do need to find a way to contain it and if it's positive for you, to think about it, not to let the voice um dominate our mind.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe it's just acknowledging that we feel angry about something and our shame has come online because our worth or our value might be tied to it.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And letting that go, but keeping it in that container, not letting that thought kind of express itself again and again and again in our minds in those moments.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I think encouragement is leadership.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Encouragement is the best form of self-leadership and leadership, and it really isn't about sheerleading or being flippant about it, but it's about a warm presence of encouragement and honest leadership.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's a practice we can put into play and kind of goes along lines with that idea of containing our shame when it goes on, when that comes up.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing we want to do is pause.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: So stop trying to solve our life every 10 seconds.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: I know pausing helps me just put into context whatever's going on.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: If I am feeling angry, great, feeling that emotion and then pausing for 10 seconds and not trying to make everything perfect in that time.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing we want to do is name it.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: We want to say it plainly.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: I feel ashamed.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: I feel threatened and angry right now, or I feel small right now.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: We name what's coming up for us.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then the last part of this tool is lead.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Ask one question of yourself.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: What's the next one clean action I could take?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: What's the next thing that needs to be done?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: We aren't looking for a perfect action or a perfect plan.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: We aren't even looking out to our goals and three to five year plans.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: But think about that next honorable, achievable step you can take.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the pause, name, and lead method.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Again, the first part is pausing, the second part is naming, and the third part is leading yourself.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Encouragement really isn't about pretending that we're fine and that everything is gonna be perfect all the time.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I've gotten feedback that it can be a little too much.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Fierce encouragement all the time, constant positive talk.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it is good to get into that vibration, into that flow of positive self-talk and ride that wave.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: But fierce encouragement also isn't about beating yourself down and pretending everything's okay when it's not.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's more about staying present with yourself when you don't feel like things are on the path.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, somebody who deals with shame has those shame, um, the idea of shame bound up with my own emotions, it can be a really hard place to work from when you kind of get caught into that downward uh tractor beam, if you will, of shame.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: It almost pulls you in bit by bit.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, if shame has been driving your show lately or moving through your life very easily, try it today.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Try the pause, name, and lead method just for one minute.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think self-criticism helps before we take action.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think getting our energy and our attitude just a little tuned up before we take action and then take that positive action helps us evaluate the power and the importance of it later.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Action with intention and then evaluation later.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we talked about today in Fierce Encouragement.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's this ability to encourage yourself even when shame might be showing up and running the show.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: And using the pause, name, and lead method to shake it off and come back to the next most important attitude and action you can plug in.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you enjoyed today's episode.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Again, my name is Mark Walker.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you tuning in.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know how this landed for you.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: I always love to hear back from my listeners.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I appreciate you wherever you're at.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you put these tools into play, and I hope you have a good evening, a good day wherever you're at.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: And we'll catch you next time on Fierce Encouragement.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, bye bye.