Latest / Babes, how did you get here / She Became Miss PLANET. But First, They BROKE Her. | Sydney's Unfiltered Story.

Transcript

She Became Miss PLANET. But First, They BROKE Her. | Sydney's Unfiltered Story. · Babes, how did you get here

• 0:00
  And I got a lot of complaints about my muscle mass.
• 0:02
  Really?
• 0:04
  Yeah, I would think so too, right?
• 0:06
  It's a great thing, but I got a lot of complaints about muscle mass, just like body shape,
• 0:12
  especially trying to go to countries like Korea and Japan.
• 0:16
  I was like pretty sure I was going to Japan at this contract I'd been sent, I had signed
• 0:21
  it, and right at the last minute before they signed it, they said, oh, I can't see it
• 0:26
  because of my body.
• 0:28
  But did they not know your body before they took you to this point?
• 0:31
  They did, which is a thing that had my measurements, they had all that stuff.
• 0:36
  And I think that was pretty discouraging, but I was really resilient, I was like, I'm
• 0:42
  going to do this, I didn't Thailand, I could do it again, right?
• 0:45
  People believe in me, I didn't even move on.
• 0:47
  It was three months in my life, but then I couldn't find a contract after three months,
• 0:51
  so that I...
• 0:57
  Okay, guys, before we start, I have to tell you that this episode was shot before Sydney
• 1:02
  became this planet, which makes it even more exciting.
• 1:05
  Today, we are talking about what really happens behind the crown, the tears nobody films,
• 1:10
  the comments, nobody reports, and the moment a girl who was told that she wasn't enough
• 1:15
  became the best in the world.
• 1:17
  Stay with us, this one hits different.
• 1:21
  Sydney is an international model currently studying marketing, she's in her third year
• 1:25
  at university.
• 1:26
  Up until the age of 18, she had only lived in the States, but since then, she has spent
• 1:31
  extensive time in Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia, and now I have caught her here in Cambodia.
• 1:38
  Before she tells me her entire life story, I have to ask, babes, how did you get here?
• 1:43
  Thank you so much for having me.
• 1:46
  I got here through being open to opportunity.
• 1:49
  I just saw an opportunity and I came here.
• 1:52
  What was the opportunity?
• 1:53
  It was pageant.
• 1:54
  Okay.
• 1:55
  I have never, never did pageants, and my mom always preaches being open to opportunity
• 2:02
  and opportunity arose in a really, a really great way, just the timing made sense, the
• 2:10
  location made sense, and I was like, I think that the universe is telling me let's go,
• 2:15
  and I did it.
• 2:16
  What was the sign?
• 2:18
  I was actually trying to phase out of modeling.
• 2:22
  I was like, I did quite a few contracts, and then I was like, this is in the States.
• 2:27
  It was in Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia, okay.
• 2:31
  That's what really brought me to Southeast Asia, and then back to the problem.
• 2:36
  You're in the States.
• 2:38
  How do we make the first move over to Southeast Asia at all?
• 2:41
  Okay, so I started modeling when I was four, very young, but it was a really amazing experience.
• 2:47
  My mom did it in a really great way.
• 2:49
  I love this.
• 2:50
  Yeah, it was like not that terrible story you hear of child models.
• 2:55
  It was a really healthy way, and I don't think my parents ever thought I would take it
• 2:59
  professionally as an adult, but I, around 16, so I took my first contract trip when
• 3:08
  I was 16, so I was a junior in high school, 11th grade, and yeah, I had a modeling agency
• 3:16
  in Seattle, and they do placements, so basically you just get modeling contracts in different
• 3:20
  countries, normally around three months, and I took it, and my parents were really encouraging
• 3:26
  of it.
• 3:27
  My dad actually came with me for the full three months in Thailand, and so that was Thailand
• 3:31
  at 16?
• 3:32
  Yes.
• 3:33
  Wow.
• 3:34
  Yes.
• 3:35
  I love it, so my kids have modeled, and a lot of people criticize that as a parent, I'm
• 3:41
  exploiting them because I signed them up with an agency, and I remember, so the first
• 3:45
  shoot that they did, it was for a brand that I'd never even heard of, but it turns out
• 3:49
  it's like a big brand, so I'm walking to my restaurant, and I look in the window, and
• 3:56
  I see my child, I said no, and they're with me, right?
• 4:00
  So I'm holding them, I'm running across the road, when I get across the road, the A-board
• 4:05
  also my baby, then I come to the next window, two more of my baby, I walk in, I said,
• 4:09
  oh my gosh, those children are here, I was like a mad person, and I got mad person,
• 4:15
  and what was really sweet is the manager of the store saved the window photos for me,
• 4:20
  so I said, like I have the big versions, and I was just like, I was supposed to go into
• 4:25
  work, best believe babes, I stopped, I took a mimosa, I said, I'm living it up in this
• 4:29
  moment because it was just ridiculous, and I think for me, coming from the pageant world,
• 4:36
  before I ever entered, I'd never thought I would ever enter a pageant, I was not that
• 4:40
  type of person at all, but after being in it, and seeing that there are opportunities
• 4:45
  that come from it, and knowing that my babies are so cute, I was like, oh yes, I wanted
• 4:50
  them to do this, more from who knows where it could take them, and also like a confidence
• 4:55
  perspective, but a lot of people are really negative about this idea that your child is
• 5:01
  going to model, because I think they have visions that as a parent, you're just using
• 5:06
  your children for money, even though I don't need my children to model to pay for their
• 5:11
  things, you can put that money aside, in a really positive way, and I just wondered,
• 5:16
  when you were growing up, did you ever get a sense of that that other people would criticize
• 5:22
  or were you just in a beautiful bubble of opportunity?
• 5:27
  I don't think the criticism really came until I got a little bit older, and other parents
• 5:34
  would start asking me questions, and that's kind of when it got weird, I remember one
• 5:37
  parent, I was in a car with one of my friends' moms, and she was like, how much money did
• 5:43
  you make from that job?
• 5:44
  That's what the mother said.
• 5:45
  Yeah, and I was not even in high school yet, I was very, you know, too young to be
• 5:49
  asked that question, and actually the way my mom did handle the money is, all of it
• 5:54
  went towards a college fund, which is how I was able to pay for my, I am able to pay
• 5:58
  for my university job, and she, but we still got rewarded, like we got $30, and we had
• 6:05
  to keep track of our $30 in an Excel, me and my siblings had to keep track of it in an
• 6:10
  Excel spreadsheet, so we learned how to use Excel, and then when we were younger it was
• 6:15
  like you get a toy from the toy store, but when we got older it was like $30, so we would
• 6:19
  keep track of how much money we had spent, and we would add up our $30, and so I was
• 6:24
  like, I made $30, and she was like, no really, and I was like, $30, and I was like, I
• 6:31
  don't know.
• 6:32
  Do you remember the first trip to Thailand?
• 6:35
  Yeah, very well, it was really impactful, tell me.
• 6:41
  I got to go with my dad, which was really amazing, and I'm so really grateful for that
• 6:46
  time with him, because I think as a kid we, and like in my household I was so busy, and
• 6:52
  my dad was also busy, and we didn't really spend too much time together, we put heads
• 6:57
  a lot and stuff, but we got to go together, and I also got to see a different side of
• 7:00
  my dad.
• 7:01
  So we spent a lot of time together, it was right after COVID, so we still had to quarantine
• 7:06
  in Buket, for, I want to say a week, but we didn't actually have to quarantine, we just
• 7:13
  had to stay in Buket, like we had a required baking day in Buket, which was great, and then
• 7:18
  we moved to Bangkok, and my dad was with me the whole time, the castings he would come
• 7:24
  with me, the jobs he would come with me, towards the end he let me kind of go around, but
• 7:28
  even walking to the train, he didn't want me to walk alone, which was fine, because he
• 7:32
  was willing to accompany me, he was never like, no you can't go, I have to come with you.
• 7:38
  The agency was really, really great, they were very kind, but the work was pretty slow
• 7:44
  at that time, and I do think that that was discouraging to me because I was anticipating
• 7:49
  a lot, I was casting a lot, but the work was very slow, I only worked three jobs in three
• 7:55
  months, I was 16, it was right after COVID, things were still slow, so school-wise at 16,
• 8:03
  are you then doing like online classes, because in 9th grade that's when COVID started,
• 8:10
  so about halfway through my freshman year of high school, COVID happened, all of our
• 8:16
  school went online, and then I stayed online, and then junior year, my state in Washington
• 8:23
  state, they have a program where you can do online university, and it counts as high
• 8:28
  school credits.
• 8:29
  Oh amazing, so it was really great, and it worked really well for me, and my parents were
• 8:33
  always very encouraging of that, because it's paid for by the government, which is great,
• 8:37
  it was free university for two years, so just the thought of going back to in person
• 8:43
  school after like a year and a half online, and getting my drivers license, did you like
• 8:48
  doing classes online?
• 8:49
  Yes, I really liked it.
• 8:50
  I don't think I could, I don't think I could do university, I didn't do no birthing
• 8:54
  class, but it's not even like university, I was pregnant, I really wanted to do a
• 8:57
  hypnobirthing class, and it was online, and I kid you not, my brain just starts thinking
• 9:02
  about everything else but what the person is speaking about, so like I'm impressed when
• 9:06
  people can have like the discipline and focus to be doing heavy material online.
• 9:11
  I think it definitely depends on the structure, I don't think, like at that time I was used
• 9:18
  to sitting in class all day, you know, because that's what I was doing, I was in school
• 9:22
  still.
• 9:23
  Now I have a hard time with it, I'm not used, I took a gap year, since I had two years
• 9:28
  of university finished, I didn't study the first year after I graduated, now I struggle
• 9:33
  with like listening and reading, that's really hard, but at that time I didn't have too
• 9:41
  much issue and I was still in high school, so my mind was very like I'm in school, it's
• 9:46
  not an option, I need to do it, you know, and I really love to the flexibility, I started
• 9:52
  working like hourly paid jobs, loved working, like to making my own money, got my driver's
• 9:59
  license, gained a lot of freedom, so when I did go back to school for like a week, when
• 10:04
  they opened it back up, and I was like, I don't want to do this, what do you mean I can't
• 10:07
  go to the bathroom, like I'm quiet, I'm kick over to the bathroom, that didn't go well,
• 10:13
  so I just stayed online, chose to stay online for the rest of high school, but I still was
• 10:19
  involved in my high school, so I still, I was a cheerleader for all four years, loved
• 10:23
  that, got to go to all the fun stuff in school, did online school for the academics.
• 10:28
  And then you, that was trip to Thailand was your first trip to Southeast Asia?
• 10:32
  No, my first trip to Southeast Asia was Cambodia, when I was 14 with my family, we all went
• 10:39
  on a family trip for about a month, and how was that?
• 10:43
  It was also very impactful, it was my first time to really leave the US, I've done like
• 10:50
  Mexico and Canada, and I actually did Jamaica when I was like three or four, like so young,
• 10:57
  like a baby baby.
• 10:58
  Did your parents love it?
• 10:59
  Yeah, my dad actually volunteered in Jamaica.
• 11:01
  Really?
• 11:02
  Yeah, he helped like with integrating computers to, okay, or something like that.
• 11:06
  Very cool.
• 11:07
  Yeah, big of dad.
• 11:08
  Yeah, I know, he doesn't do stuff like that anymore, I'm like go do that stuff again, that's
• 11:14
  so cool.
• 11:15
  So that at 14 is your first trip home, sorry, to Cambodia with your family, what is your
• 11:21
  impression of Cambodia at that point?
• 11:23
  My family prepared me for like the toughest trip of my life, they were like you're going
• 11:29
  to not have air conditioning, and the toilets are going to be holes in the ground, and yeah,
• 11:37
  they were just, I was like convinced I wasn't going to come back to the US alive, they
• 11:42
  were really, and like my grandparents and I'd be before, they were like you can't wear leggings,
• 11:46
  you can't do this, and I was like, I don't go out here and I was like what are you guys
• 11:51
  talking about, it's fine.
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  Like, come down.
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  It had just changed a lot since they were last there.
• 11:57
  I think that it had changed a lot, the last time my dad had been here was in the 90s, and
• 12:02
  it was then, it was 2019, quite a bit of time, 30 years almost, and it was like, I think
• 12:11
  it was that, my grandparents perception, also, I mean, there's also different sides to
• 12:16
  Cambodia.
• 12:17
  Okay.
• 12:18
  Like, if you go live in the province with local, like, with your family, that is sure.
• 12:25
  That might be what you find, but there's also ways to live very luxury and very high-end.
• 12:31
  I've seen the world's horses, baby.
• 12:33
  Yeah, like, it's, we have some very crazy wealth gaps here, and it's, yeah.
• 12:40
  So we did a, I stayed with my, I have like, relatives in Cambodia, and that was, they
• 12:46
  owned like a guest house and stuff.
• 12:48
  It wasn't like, all fancy schmancy, but it, it wasn't like, really living at Ruff, or
• 12:54
  everything.
• 12:55
  It was great.
• 12:56
  We had aircon, bathrooms, like beds, everything, mosquito nets, everything was alive.
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  I came back alive.
• 13:01
  Yes.
• 13:02
  I was like, I came back great, and I, that was a great experience.
• 13:05
  Do you think that your childhood before the actual visit, would you say that there was
• 13:11
  a Cambodian influence in your household?
• 13:14
  To some extent, yes.
• 13:16
  My dad moved to the US when he was four.
• 13:18
  Okay.
• 13:19
  It was right before the Khmer Rouge here, and so they escaped, there were refugees.
• 13:26
  My grandparents were very, are very heavily involved in the Cambodian community in Washington
• 13:33
  State, and like, along the West Coast.
• 13:36
  So I definitely attended a lot of events, and was, you know, kind of forced to wear the outfits
• 13:41
  every once in a while.
• 13:42
  What are the outfits?
• 13:43
  Like, just traditional outfits.
• 13:45
  I remember there was one time where my cousin got like, the prettiest skirt.
• 13:51
  She's a little bit older than me, so she got like a pretty skirt and like a strapless
• 13:54
  top.
• 13:55
  Right.
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  So pretty.
• 13:57
  And then there's another outfit here.
• 13:58
  I'm not, I can't remember the name of it, but basically it's like a skirt, but then
• 14:01
  you pull this her under, so it's like pants, and it feels a little bit like a diaper.
• 14:05
  Okay.
• 14:06
  And I was like, what do I have to do?
• 14:07
  Why do I just tuck in this?
• 14:08
  And I think there's a photo of me like next to my cousin who's like all pretty.
• 14:13
  And so sometimes I would get forced to do stuff like that, or listen to monks for a really
• 14:17
  long time.
• 14:18
  But I don't think I really, I also ate a lot of Cambodian food, but the language wasn't
• 14:25
  something that was really introduced to me to like very, very much.
• 14:31
  I knew some vocabulary.
• 14:32
  My dad speaks a bit to us, but very, maybe as a kid, he spoke more.
• 14:37
  Right.
• 14:38
  And like I said, I didn't spend so much time like one-on-one with my dad after I started
• 14:42
  getting older and driving and going by myself everywhere.
• 14:47
  But yeah, I think it definitely, there's still a lot of adjusting.
• 14:51
  I definitely didn't grow up in a super-cambody at the moment.
• 14:55
  So when you leave, start traveling at 18, what is it, model contract work that's bringing
• 15:01
  you around?
• 15:02
  Yeah.
• 15:03
  So I finished Thailand when I was 16, came back, finished high school, did my cheerleading
• 15:08
  prom and all that stuff.
• 15:10
  And then the 10 days after I graduated through the hat, 10 days later flew to Malaysia.
• 15:17
  It took a while to get the contract and I knew that that was something I wanted after.
• 15:21
  So you flew there without the contract?
• 15:23
  I flew there with the contract.
• 15:26
  It was, took quite a few months prior to leaving to get it.
• 15:30
  There's lots of ups and downs.
• 15:31
  That was a tough time because I didn't say ups and downs, what do you mean?
• 15:38
  Because getting a contract, you have to get accepted by the agency.
• 15:42
  So there's a lot of test shooting.
• 15:45
  I worked really hard, that last year of high school, to do a lot of shoots to grow my
• 15:50
  portfolio and grow my social media and really become appealing.
• 15:57
  But I was also cheerleading and I was a lifeguard swim instructor, I was very active, very fit.
• 16:03
  And I got a lot of complaints about my muscle mass.
• 16:06
  Oh really?
• 16:07
  From agency?
• 16:08
  That sounds great.
• 16:09
  Yeah.
• 16:10
  Yeah, I would think so too, right?
• 16:12
  It's a great thing.
• 16:14
  I got a lot of complaints about muscle mass, just body shape, especially trying to go to
• 16:20
  countries like Korea and Japan.
• 16:23
  I was pretty sure I was going to Japan at this contract I'd been sent, I had signed it
• 16:28
  and right at the last minute before they signed it, they said, oh, canceled it because
• 16:33
  of my body.
• 16:34
  But did they not know your body before they took you to this point?
• 16:37
  They did, which is a thing they had my measurements, they had all that stuff.
• 16:42
  And I think that was pretty discouraging.
• 16:46
  But I was really resilient, I was like, I'm going to do this, I did it in Thailand, I can
• 16:50
  do it again.
• 16:51
  Right.
• 16:52
  People believe in me, I believe in me, I've been modeling for a long time like I can do
• 16:56
  this.
• 16:57
  Right.
• 16:58
  It was like cry for a day, like let's move on.
• 17:00
  I mean, we moved on and got in Malaysia and my mom flew with me to Malaysia.
• 17:07
  She stayed with me for two weeks, helped me get settled there and then she left back
• 17:12
  to the US and then I was on my own.
• 17:15
  How long was the contract in Malaysia?
• 17:17
  It was three months initially, but then I couldn't find a contract after three months.
• 17:20
  Okay.
• 17:21
  So then I extended for another three months, I was there for six months.
• 17:24
  Six months, yeah.
• 17:25
  And when you get to Malaysia and you're modeling, what is like your day today, are you literally
• 17:30
  just waiting for a call to go to a casting, go to the casting, try and get the show?
• 17:34
  Pretty much.
• 17:35
  When I got there, I met with the agency, did normally we have to do agency visit, like take
• 17:41
  your digitals, get your comp cards, yeah, that kind of stuff, just meet with them, take
• 17:50
  measurements and course.
• 17:51
  And then normally the casting started right away.
• 17:55
  They were pretty fast.
• 17:57
  Even in Bangkok, the first day I arrived in Bangkok, I was straight to a casting.
• 18:00
  Okay.
• 18:01
  So castings were like, are pretty daily things.
• 18:03
  Is there a high demand in Kaya?
• 18:05
  Yeah, actually I worked really well in Kaya.
• 18:08
  Okay.
• 18:10
  The rates were pretty low compared to the US, higher than Indonesia, lower than Thailand,
• 18:19
  Thailand was more comparable to the US, but lower, but a lot of work.
• 18:23
  Okay.
• 18:24
  I was working pretty consistently.
• 18:26
  And this is shoots and shows, shoots.
• 18:28
  I never walk in shows, I actually didn't walk until I came to Cambodia.
• 18:32
  Okay.
• 18:33
  So shoot work.
• 18:34
  Yeah, very cool.
• 18:35
  A lot of modest wear and Muslim clothes, a lot of hate job.
• 18:41
  I think that was my first job in Malaysia, it was hate job and I was like over and over
• 18:45
  and over again, I think I could tie one myself now, but it was a good experience and actually
• 18:50
  taught me how to pose really well because I didn't have like accessories to play with.
• 18:54
  I just had to use my face.
• 18:56
  Amazing.
• 18:57
  And what is life like in Kaya?
• 19:02
  I had, so when you go on contract, you live in a model apartment, most of the time, they
• 19:09
  want you to live in the model apartments and it's normally cheaper for a model to live
• 19:12
  in the model apartment generally speaking.
• 19:14
  Is it a singular unit or are you sharing with other models?
• 19:17
  You're sharing with other models, which comes with its struggles, for sure.
• 19:22
  If you think about it, you have, there's a lot of Slavic girls who do modeling contracts.
• 19:29
  You also get a lot of South America, Brazil, Argentina, there's a lot of like very different
• 19:38
  people and everyone's really attractive living in one apartment than on women, so you can
• 19:46
  imagine they should put camera and reality show out of it as well.
• 19:51
  But I've had really good model apartment experiences.
• 19:54
  I think Kuala Lumpur has some of the best model apartments.
• 19:59
  Oh really?
• 20:00
  Yeah.
• 20:01
  They're really.
• 20:02
  In terms of facilities and being so close.
• 20:04
  My room itself was like pretty small, I had a roommate, she was from Russia, we were
• 20:09
  both the same age and we ended up getting along really, really well.
• 20:14
  We lived with two other girls and one guy on the poor guy, but it was, yeah, and then it
• 20:22
  kind of gives you like automatic friends.
• 20:25
  And they have, especially in Kuala Lumpur, they have a really nice community of models.
• 20:30
  There was another agency who had an apartment in the same complex, so another like six girls
• 20:36
  in another room, so we're all pretty close by.
• 20:40
  I met a girl there who was from Canada, she's the same age as me, 18, and we got along
• 20:46
  really well.
• 20:47
  We were just like, we met each other and we just went around together everywhere.
• 20:51
  We were really keen to be like, half way across the world, living this adventure.
• 20:56
  Yes.
• 20:57
  A part of me was like, oh my gosh, that sounds so amazing.
• 20:59
  And then another part of me was like, but that could also feel quite far and distant.
• 21:05
  Absolutely.
• 21:06
  You know, the modeling industry, it's not the kindest of industries, right, in the sense
• 21:11
  that you go to class things, it can be competitive, you feel that competitive energy, and whilst
• 21:17
  I'm not saying that you can't have friends and stuff in the industry, it's just weird.
• 21:22
  Because you can want your friend to do well, but you still want to be picked as well.
• 21:25
  So there's like this tug of war almost.
• 21:28
  Absolutely.
• 21:29
  I think it takes a really strong mind, and I think if you don't, it will get it, yeah.
• 21:40
  And there is a lot of people who I've seen it, like it really gets, yeah.
• 21:44
  And it has gotten me for sure.
• 21:45
  There's times I've taken breaks and needed to stop.
• 21:51
  What was, what would you say was contributing to the need for a break?
• 21:57
  I think towards the end, so I had been doing modeling contracts for nine months straight.
• 22:02
  At that point I was in Jakarta, and I had, I had in the process of trying to lose weight.
• 22:10
  Okay.
• 22:11
  I was gaining more weight, but I was living with two girls, amazing, amazing girls, but
• 22:16
  both very slim, also struggled.
• 22:19
  What do you do?
• 22:20
  You're trying to lose weight.
• 22:21
  I'm trying to understand from, like what size are we talking that you're trying to lose
• 22:25
  weight from?
• 22:26
  A size that probably didn't need to lose weight.
• 22:28
  Okay.
• 22:29
  And that, was that an internal pressure, or was that pressure from the agents?
• 22:34
  In the sense that I tell people it's all time, I don't eat rice, and everybody's like,
• 22:38
  oh, can you not eat rice?
• 22:39
  Jamaica rice is a big thing, I mean, being out in Southeast Asia, rice is clearly a big
• 22:43
  thing.
• 22:44
  Oh my gosh.
• 22:45
  But the reason why I don't eat rice, no, is because I genuinely just think it's always
• 22:47
  of calories because I don't actually really like rice, unless it's some rice and peas
• 22:50
  cooking, then I might be, yes, please.
• 22:53
  However, I stopped eating rice when I was 14 because I was with an agency, and I was on
• 22:58
  a diet for about three weeks of just water crackers.
• 23:01
  I don't know if you know what water crackers are, but it's just, it's dry ice crackers.
• 23:05
  Oh my gosh.
• 23:06
  Right?
• 23:07
  What was it, right?
• 23:08
  And it was for the purpose of losing weight.
• 23:09
  Oh my goodness.
• 23:10
  And so, I wonder, like, when models tell me that they're trying to lose weight, I always
• 23:15
  wonder, is it just an internal psychological, I'm looking around the room, and I'm thinking
• 23:19
  I need to give myself a better opportunity, or did you feel that your agency was guiding
• 23:24
  you in that direction?
• 23:26
  I think it was both.
• 23:28
  And actually, I think the internal pressure was what I struggled with more.
• 23:32
  Okay.
• 23:34
  When it came to, like, in Malaysia and Indonesia, I worked really, really well.
• 23:38
  Like, in Indonesia, I was working maybe seven days a week.
• 23:41
  It was six, seven days a week.
• 23:42
  It was insane.
• 23:43
  And Kuala Lumpur, I was working one of the best in the market, and I was, like, really
• 23:49
  proud of that.
• 23:50
  But I was also probably one of the bigger models.
• 23:53
  Okay.
• 23:54
  Just because you're surrounded by very small people, it's just entolved, too.
• 23:58
  Right.
• 24:00
  But at that point, I could tell them, like, they can tell me to lose weight, but I'm working
• 24:06
  really well.
• 24:07
  Right.
• 24:08
  So I was like, what, if I work, if I lose weight, I have to work more, like, I'm good
• 24:12
  for that.
• 24:13
  I'm good for that.
• 24:14
  Yeah.
• 24:15
  But living with people who look so slim, standing next to them in photos, is also hearing
• 24:21
  things, like, when they look in the mirror, and they're like, I need to lose weight.
• 24:25
  Oh, my God, I'm so bloated today.
• 24:27
  Yes.
• 24:28
  And you look at yourself and you're like, oh, my God, what do they think of me?
• 24:31
  You know, it's not, they're not, and it's the self comparison.
• 24:37
  And then you also have this voice, if you need to lose weight, and I'm just like, go
• 24:42
  away.
• 24:43
  Like, I got it.
• 24:44
  But I think, also, I grew up very, very hyper active.
• 24:49
  I was always in sports, dancing, cheerleading, was a lifeguard, swim instructor, also gymmed
• 24:56
  a lot.
• 24:57
  It was just a very part of my lifestyle.
• 24:59
  And then when those sports, and also, I wasn't working as a lifeguard, I wasn't cheerleading
• 25:05
  six days a week anymore.
• 25:07
  I needed to go to the gym, which isn't something I haven't really enjoyed that much.
• 25:14
  And so it was just also, like, entering adulthood of, like, I switched my routine, and like,
• 25:20
  I have a, I was pretty, like, muscular, it's more muscular than I am now.
• 25:26
  And not, it was a great thing, but I think I, it was like, how do I maintain this, or
• 25:32
  do I maintain this?
• 25:33
  And then I was hearing, lose weight, you are too muscular, right?
• 25:36
  I lose muscle.
• 25:37
  Yeah.
• 25:38
  Can you lose weight in your arms?
• 25:39
  What?
• 25:40
  Like, I don't know.
• 25:41
  I don't know.
• 25:42
  I don't know.
• 25:43
  It was like, I, it was also trying to figure out how to do it.
• 25:47
  I've always prioritized health, and I was, yeah, water crackers and water is not the
• 25:52
  health for me, I can tell you.
• 25:53
  Oh my gosh.
• 25:54
  That sounds, I love food too.
• 25:57
  I love to eat.
• 25:58
  That would be really, I even, and then I mentally, being like, don't eat that, don't eat
• 26:03
  that, don't eat that.
• 26:04
  It makes you want to eat it more.
• 26:05
  Yeah.
• 26:06
  And then also, like, the binging, I think I was struggling.
• 26:09
  The reason I gained it while I was trying to lose it was the starving and binging thing.
• 26:12
  Okay.
• 26:13
  So you would be like, during the day, I'm not having it, I'm not having it, I'm not
• 26:17
  having it, and then at night, give it all to me.
• 26:19
  Yes.
• 26:20
  And it would be like, we're also, I was pretty overworked in Jakarta.
• 26:25
  Yeah.
• 26:26
  And it wasn't like really, it wasn't, the day-to-day jobs weren't enjoyable jobs.
• 26:31
  There was like, once a week, like a job, but day-to-day, it was like, this very boring
• 26:35
  kind of jobs.
• 26:36
  Like catalog.
• 26:37
  Okay.
• 26:38
  Okay.
• 26:45
  Okay.
• 26:46
  Okay.
• 26:47
  Okay.
• 26:48
  Okay.
• 26:49
  Okay.
• 26:50
  Okay.
• 26:51
  Okay.
• 26:52
  Okay.
• 26:53
  Okay.
• 26:54
  Okay.
• 26:55
  Okay.
• 26:56
  Okay.
• 26:57
  Okay.
• 26:58
  Okay.
• 26:59
  Okay.
• 27:00
  Okay.
• 27:01
  Okay.
• 27:02
  Okay.
• 27:03
  Okay.
• 27:04
  Okay.
• 27:05
  Okay.
• 27:06
  Okay.
• 27:07
  Okay.
• 27:08
  She's trying to tell this story rather than like, I looked pretty and I'm holding the
• 27:11
  project, the things I'm like.
• 27:13
  Okay.
• 27:14
  And Jakarta was more of that type of work.
• 27:18
  Just like wide background and.
• 27:21
  Like fast fashion, ...very, very, yeah.
• 27:25
  And I think after those jobs, also not speaking the language, when you're at work and you
• 27:30
  everyone's speaking a different language, and you're just like isolated.
• 27:34
  It's very isolating.
• 27:35
  October.
• 27:36
  come home, my friends, and they were great.
• 27:38
  I loved, like, they were such great people to have there.
• 27:41
  The girl I was living with was actually my first friend
• 27:43
  in Malaysia, and we ended up, like, meeting in Jakarta
• 27:45
  on accident.
• 27:46
  Very cool.
• 27:46
  It was amazing.
• 27:48
  But we would come home, and we'd be like,
• 27:49
  crackers, cheese, chocolate, wine.
• 27:51
  Yeah, like, like, every night.
• 27:53
  My favorite things.
• 27:55
  Oh, my, and great things.
• 27:56
  Like, I could kill for some of that right now,
• 27:58
  but maybe not every night.
• 28:02
  After not eating, you know, it wasn't the right thing
• 28:06
  where was your mental state during this period?
• 28:10
  It was progressively getting worse.
• 28:11
  OK.
• 28:12
  I think I really love routine, and also health
• 28:18
  is something that I've always been very focused on,
• 28:22
  especially as being very, like, hyperactive as a kid.
• 28:24
  I was eating pretty clean.
• 28:26
  My parents are always very good about making us
• 28:28
  have balanced meals.
• 28:30
  And now I'm on my own.
• 28:33
  And I'm like, oh, like, I can just make my own decisions.
• 28:37
  And like, I just wasn't eating the right way.
• 28:39
  I wasn't having this routine, and being active,
• 28:42
  and those things made me physically feel bad,
• 28:44
  which mentally made me feel bad.
• 28:46
  Looking in the mirror all the time,
• 28:48
  because my apartment was full of mirrors.
• 28:51
  We actually ended up covering our mirrors.
• 28:52
  It was like such a problem.
• 28:54
  Yeah.
• 28:54
  Wow.
• 28:55
  And then when you're shooting normally,
• 28:57
  at least in Jakarta, you have a mirror,
• 28:58
  so you can see you're posing.
• 28:59
  OK.
• 29:00
  And you're also fully changing right there,
• 29:03
  because you're doing 200 clothes.
• 29:04
  Just like, no one's got time for shame, but it's like,
• 29:06
  I carry that now.
• 29:07
  Whenever I'm on set, even when someone's doing sound,
• 29:10
  and I get it right, like, in the UK,
• 29:12
  it's very politically correct, very, like,
• 29:15
  fathered and harassment, so you kind of vibe, right?
• 29:17
  And so the sound guys will be miking me up,
• 29:20
  and they're so nervous.
• 29:21
  I can feel their nerves, because they
• 29:23
  don't want to do the right thing.
• 29:25
  And I say to them, babe, I'm from Jamaica, please.
• 29:26
  Just do what you need to do, and let's keep it moving.
• 29:28
  But also, in my mind, I think from the few runway shows
• 29:32
  that I used to do, there is no time for you to say,
• 29:35
  please don't touch me that way.
• 29:38
  Yo, get the clothes on, and get out.
• 29:40
  To the chat, go.
• 29:43
  It's so funny.
• 29:44
  Yeah, and I'm also about very used to that.
• 29:46
  And I think I definitely still have that now.
• 29:49
  Here, I am a bit, I actually had to adapt a bit to be
• 29:53
  a bit more careful about changing, and people are very
• 29:58
  conscious.
• 29:58
  Is it because that will make other people uncomfortable?
• 30:01
  I think there's just not used to it.
• 30:02
  Like, people are a bit more conservative.
• 30:05
  Sure.
• 30:05
  And in Indonesia, if I asked for a change in room,
• 30:09
  they'd be like, are you kidding?
• 30:10
  Right.
• 30:11
  And not because everybody wants to see me naked,
• 30:14
  it's just like, we don't have time.
• 30:15
  Oh, yeah.
• 30:15
  This should go, go.
• 30:17
  No one cares.
• 30:18
  Yeah, that kind of stuff.
• 30:19
  And then, but in that case, you're seeing yourself naked
• 30:23
  every 30 seconds, and then you go home, and there's mirrors
• 30:26
  everywhere.
• 30:28
  But that was a time that took quite a big mental toll.
• 30:33
  It also got typhoid fever, and was hospitalized for four
• 30:35
  days.
• 30:36
  Really?
• 30:37
  Yeah.
• 30:38
  And that was my time.
• 30:39
  And I was like, I think it's time to take a break,
• 30:42
  because I was called my mom, and she's like, how are you
• 30:44
  doing?
• 30:45
  And I was like, I'm so happy to be sleeping in the hospital.
• 30:47
  Right.
• 30:48
  Like, I get to sleep.
• 30:50
  And nobody, like, I don't have to talk to anybody.
• 30:52
  This is great.
• 30:52
  She was like, are you a drug?
• 30:54
  Are you OK?
• 30:56
  After that, I decided to go home.
• 30:58
  Would you have been able to say, oh, I don't want to work
• 31:01
  seven days, but could I work for?
• 31:03
  Or did the agency not provide that kind of flexibility?
• 31:07
  I think it would have been a problem.
• 31:09
  Because they advance all of your payment,
• 31:13
  they provide the plane ticket.
• 31:16
  They provide pocket money.
• 31:17
  They provide transportation and apartment.
• 31:21
  OK.
• 31:22
  You will need to accept the work.
• 31:25
  Unless there's something morally not right or like,
• 31:28
  it doesn't align with my values.
• 31:30
  Sure.
• 31:31
  But tired isn't good enough.
• 31:32
  Yeah.
• 31:33
  Actually, the first day when I woke up so sick,
• 31:36
  I was supposed to go to another city.
• 31:38
  And I was supposed to wake up 3 AM to go to the city.
• 31:40
  And I was like, I'm so sick.
• 31:42
  I cannot move.
• 31:42
  Like, I can't go.
• 31:44
  And I was calling them, like, I can't go.
• 31:45
  I'm so sorry.
• 31:46
  And they did it.
• 31:47
  They were like, go to the hospital and get a note,
• 31:49
  so I can show the client.
• 31:50
  OK.
• 31:51
  And I was like, can someone please take me?
• 31:52
  I can't speak in an asian.
• 31:53
  I don't know how to go hospital.
• 31:55
  They help me.
• 31:56
  I don't know what to do.
• 31:56
  And they're like, just go.
• 31:58
  Just go ask them for a note.
• 32:00
  And I was like, I literally can't move.
• 32:02
  Let me sleep.
• 32:02
  I was so sick.
• 32:03
  Sure.
• 32:04
  And finally, my friend went to the agency.
• 32:06
  And was like, somebody go take her to the hospital right now.
• 32:10
  And then finally, someone took me.
• 32:11
  And then they're like, you look really sick.
• 32:13
  And I was like, yeah.
• 32:15
  I'm a shit shadow.
• 32:16
  Yeah.
• 32:17
  That's what I've been trying to tell you.
• 32:19
  Oh, wow.
• 32:20
  And then they hospitalized me, which is actually quite
• 32:23
  a relief.
• 32:24
  How was the hospital?
• 32:26
  And then I was great.
• 32:27
  I was really, really happy to be there,
• 32:31
  which told me a lot about how tired I was.
• 32:36
  The agency was actually really good at taking care of me
• 32:38
  once I got there.
• 32:39
  OK.
• 32:40
  They had insurance.
• 32:42
  They insured me.
• 32:43
  Amazing.
• 32:43
  So I didn't have to pay anything, which
• 32:45
  was like, you know, in the US, you hospitalize for like seven
• 32:50
  hours.
• 32:51
  So you're like, oh, my god, was there for the bill?
• 32:53
  Yeah.
• 32:54
  But it was four days, and I didn't have to pay anything.
• 32:57
  Amazing.
• 32:58
  They checked on me.
• 32:59
  My mother agency also was checking on me a lot.
• 33:03
  My mom was really confused why I was so happy to be in the hospital.
• 33:08
  But after that, it was a lot of antibiotics.
• 33:12
  And obviously, just takes you some time
• 33:14
  to recover after you get so sick.
• 33:16
  Was it mainly a physical fatigue?
• 33:19
  Yes.
• 33:20
  It was physical fatigue.
• 33:21
  And also, just like, it wasn't nausea.
• 33:23
  But I just did not want to eat.
• 33:25
  Like, I was sitting there like, could not eat.
• 33:29
  And actually, the agency was like, oh, come in for measurements.
• 33:32
  And I was like, I'm going to gain it back, you guys.
• 33:35
  I'm like, it's going to last for a little bit, OK?
• 33:39
  Like, it was four days.
• 33:40
  Calm down.
• 33:41
  That's funny.
• 33:42
  I know.
• 33:43
  And you said you chose to go home after that?
• 33:45
  Yes.
• 33:46
  I finished my three months, finished my contract,
• 33:50
  was supposed to go to the Philippines.
• 33:53
  But I told my mother agency, like, I'm
• 33:56
  I need to go home.
• 33:57
  It's time for me to go home.
• 34:00
  It should have been nine months.
• 34:02
  But I did spend a month in Bali before going home.
• 34:05
  OK, just great.
• 34:06
  Why did you want to go home?
• 34:09
  It was just a long time away from my family.
• 34:13
  I think lacking security, just that feeling of someone's
• 34:19
  taken care of me, someone's going to make sure I eat dinner.
• 34:24
  If I come home and I haven't eaten, somebody will help me
• 34:26
  make sure that I get food.
• 34:28
  And yeah, I just missed my family a lot.
• 34:32
  I have two siblings, and even younger.
• 34:36
  So I think them being younger as well
• 34:38
  makes it even harder to be away.
• 34:40
  Sure.
• 34:42
  And then at that point, it was 10 months not being home.
• 34:44
  And I had turned 19.
• 34:46
  So still pretty young.
• 34:49
  Was it the adrenaline of being busy and new spaces?
• 34:53
  Because by this point, we've done three countries.
• 34:55
  We've done different contracts.
• 34:57
  Was that what made homesickness at bay, just being busy
• 35:04
  and constantly having work to focus on?
• 35:06
  I think actually I wasn't so homesick.
• 35:09
  I hadn't been homesick ever until recently.
• 35:13
  Oh, really?
• 35:14
  Yeah, the past few months here.
• 35:17
  But I think it was just talking to my parents.
• 35:23
  I was well, it was really excited to surprise my siblings,
• 35:25
  because they didn't know I was coming home.
• 35:28
  So I was like, oh my gosh, I just surprised them.
• 35:30
  Yes.
• 35:32
  And I think also moving countries, the contract models
• 35:36
  have this joke every time in countries
• 35:38
  you cry for three days and then you're fine.
• 35:40
  And I was just kind of like, I also
• 35:42
  had a relationship, which was probably not so good.
• 35:45
  And that had ended.
• 35:47
  And I was like, oh, a lot going on.
• 35:50
  Let me take a break.
• 35:51
  Yep.
• 35:51
  I think it was more the mental health.
• 35:55
  I was like, I think it's time for me
• 35:56
  to fix my mental health before I can continue doing this.
• 36:00
  Sure.
• 36:01
  I could feel it.
• 36:02
  Dipping.
• 36:02
  Yeah, cool.
• 36:03
  When you get back to the states, what's the plan?
• 36:08
  I think when I came back to the states
• 36:10
  and I was like back in a more controlled environment,
• 36:14
  it made me realize how much my mental health had been affected.
• 36:18
  OK.
• 36:19
  My mom also, she was like, seeing you, I've never seen you
• 36:21
  like this anxious.
• 36:23
  And I was really ready to move on to the next step.
• 36:26
  Because at that point, I had met my boyfriend in Indonesia.
• 36:29
  And I was like, I want to go back.
• 36:32
  But why am I going back?
• 36:34
  I also was like, oh, don't move for a boy.
• 36:37
  You know, I'm like, come on, don't move.
• 36:38
  Oh, no, I love love, babes.
• 36:39
  I'm like, move.
• 36:40
  Move.
• 36:41
  I just like had to always heard like, we don't need it.
• 36:43
  And I was like, OK, I need like an excuse.
• 36:45
  What am I doing here?
• 36:46
  Not an excuse, but like a purpose.
• 36:48
  A broader reason of why I'm going,
• 36:50
  why I wanted to go back.
• 36:52
  So I was like, I think I had like few days off,
• 36:55
  started working again.
• 36:57
  I was teaching Pilates, worked a front desk job.
• 37:03
  I did all sorts of things.
• 37:04
  I was just working a lot.
• 37:06
  I couldn't chill.
• 37:07
  I still can't chill.
• 37:08
  OK.
• 37:09
  Try, I try to chill a bit more.
• 37:11
  But I'm not very good at it.
• 37:13
  It's always been something.
• 37:16
  But the plan was just to kind of re-center
• 37:18
  to be there for my sister's graduation.
• 37:20
  That was actually a big, that's for that sparking the memory.
• 37:24
  That was a big reason I was like, OK, let's go home early.
• 37:26
  Because I wanted to be there for her birthday
• 37:28
  and her graduation.
• 37:29
  Very cool.
• 37:32
  And so yeah, I got to be there for her prom, her graduation,
• 37:36
  her birthday, some really great moments for her.
• 37:42
  When you say your mom noticed changes in you,
• 37:45
  anxiety means different things for different people.
• 37:47
  What does that mean to you?
• 37:51
  It was like a very forward thinking.
• 37:54
  A lot of nervousness about the future
• 37:56
  and determination to take action about the future.
• 38:00
  So it was like, I need to do this and I need to do this
• 38:03
  and I need to figure out this.
• 38:04
  And there were things I hadn't done.
• 38:08
  I need to go to the dentist and I need to do this.
• 38:09
  And she was like, she's too calm down for her.
• 38:12
  Oh my god, breathe.
• 38:16
  I think I packed my schedule so much.
• 38:17
  I didn't even have time to go visit my grandparents.
• 38:19
  And she was just relaxed.
• 38:23
  And I was like, over a conversation
• 38:25
  we had was me trying to plan what I was going to do
• 38:28
  rather than live in the moment.
• 38:32
  It's funny because I relate to the whole.
• 38:35
  Like I can't sit down.
• 38:36
  And when I realized it was an actual problem was,
• 38:41
  I'm dating someone we live together.
• 38:42
  He's sitting watching the television
• 38:44
  and my first thought is, why are you
• 38:45
  sitting watching the television?
• 38:46
  Do you not have something more productive to do?
• 38:48
  And then I had to catch myself because I'm like,
• 38:50
  you've been working all day.
• 38:51
  If you want to sit and watch the television
• 38:53
  after you've been working all day,
• 38:54
  then that is perfectly fine.
• 38:56
  But in my world, there's always something else to do
• 39:01
  and in a productive sense to do.
• 39:03
  Absolutely.
• 39:04
  But I know that that comes from a place of,
• 39:07
  when I have too much downtime,
• 39:10
  I call it my demons can have space in my life.
• 39:13
  And I recognize that.
• 39:14
  I believe that we all have drugs, right?
• 39:16
  Drug of choice.
• 39:17
  And my drug of choice is work
• 39:19
  because I feel that once I'm focused
• 39:21
  on the next task, the next achievement,
• 39:24
  then it doesn't give me space to sit
• 39:28
  and these other things can kind of take up residence
• 39:31
  in my head.
• 39:31
  But I believe that we all have something traumatic
• 39:35
  that we've had to deal with.
• 39:36
  And if it hasn't happened yet,
• 39:37
  baby, it's coming.
• 39:38
  That's what I always say.
• 39:39
  And so I've had enough time to kind of recognize
• 39:42
  where my source of needing to be busy comes from.
• 39:46
  And I was just wondering, not that I'm trying to psychoanalyze you,
• 39:49
  but I'm just wondering, have you had time
• 39:50
  to recognize where that need comes from?
• 39:54
  I think it definitely is a need for productivity
• 39:58
  and trying to achieve something early.
• 40:01
  OK.
• 40:04
  I think taking my first modeling contract
• 40:08
  young, starting modeling young, starting university young,
• 40:12
  all of these things where it's like,
• 40:14
  oh, I've achieved this in this and this by this age.
• 40:17
  I felt as though I needed to like,
• 40:20
  I think when I was going home at that point,
• 40:22
  I was like, why am I not coming home with money
• 40:25
  so that I can take my siblings out to lunch
• 40:28
  or buy them what they want?
• 40:30
  And I was never something like, we're very like higher up
• 40:36
  or class family, there's never been a struggle,
• 40:40
  a huge struggle for money, a struggle at all really.
• 40:43
  And nobody's ever expected me to pay for my siblings' lunch
• 40:48
  or buy them things, but it was something.
• 40:50
  Something actually I saw my boyfriend doing for his family
• 40:53
  and I was paying for things.
• 40:55
  And then I was like, why?
• 40:57
  I wish I could come home and take them and treat them
• 41:00
  and be like this older sister who just came back
• 41:03
  abroad from working and modeling and be able to treat them.
• 41:06
  And I think there was a bit of like, oh, my god,
• 41:09
  I failed in my last trip, which is, I think, probably
• 41:14
  some of the reason I am so driven is like,
• 41:19
  I want to find a success.
• 41:21
  I want my siblings to see the success.
• 41:24
  And I want to, I think the finances is actually something
• 41:27
  is like, I want to be able to show people, not people,
• 41:30
  but show my family, show the loved ones
• 41:32
  that I worked really hard, moved abroad, and I did that.
• 41:36
  I made it, and I'm back, and I can take care of you
• 41:41
  or give you something you want.
• 41:42
  Even though they don't need you to.
• 41:43
  Even though they don't need me to, of course.
• 41:44
  I feel you.
• 41:46
  Is success for you a financial position?
• 41:50
  I don't think it's necessarily about the finances.
• 41:52
  It's more about what I can do.
• 41:54
  It's the freedom.
• 41:56
  Freedom is a big thing for me.
• 41:58
  I've identified that a lot recently.
• 42:01
  Just as through working through all of these things
• 42:04
  that I've experienced, freedom, when my freedom is taken away,
• 42:08
  I get really triggered.
• 42:11
  And success to me is having freedom.
• 42:14
  Freedom to go where I want to go, to see the people I want to see,
• 42:19
  to eat what I want to eat, and buy what I want to buy,
• 42:23
  for who I want to, and it's not like a very materialistic person.
• 42:28
  I don't necessarily care for luxury, this and that,
• 42:31
  but for other people I do.
• 42:33
  Not luxury, but I love to buy.
• 42:35
  I don't mind spending money on my siblings.
• 42:39
  It's your love language.
• 42:40
  Yeah, I don't mind doing those types of things, but I wish.
• 42:44
  But it does give me, I'm like, oh my god,
• 42:45
  I can just spend that amount of money.
• 42:48
  But I'm like, it's not on me, so I wasn't a selfish act.
• 42:51
  I wanted to do it for other people.
• 42:54
  And to me, that success is being able to see the people I love
• 42:58
  whenever I want to see them.
• 43:01
  Because now I've got these people that I
• 43:02
  love all over the world, which is like kind of what
• 43:06
  I did to myself with like moving abroad
• 43:07
  and making all these amazing relationships.
• 43:09
  It's now I've got people everywhere.
• 43:10
  And my friend in Malaysia needs a friend, like a girl
• 43:15
  I'm coming or someone in my best friend in Belarus,
• 43:20
  like she's struggling, like I got you, like come stay with me
• 43:24
  or you know, like something like that.
• 43:27
  Or I miss my boyfriend, I'm gonna go see my boyfriend.
• 43:30
  How are you managing long distance?
• 43:33
  We have a great relationship, I'm being like, we have a great,
• 43:36
  it's not easy.
• 43:38
  Long distance is not fun.
• 43:41
  A per se, like nobody wants to be long distance.
• 43:44
  But we don't fight or argue much.
• 43:49
  We have very strong communication.
• 43:53
  And he is very encouraging of good communication.
• 43:58
  And I think that basis of communication
• 44:01
  and respect towards each other, respect in communication.
• 44:05
  The main thing.
• 44:06
  Biggest things.
• 44:06
  Have you always been long distance?
• 44:08
  Pretty much.
• 44:10
  Yeah, I was with him for four months straight after I was home.
• 44:14
  OK.
• 44:15
  But almost six years.
• 44:16
  The reason I asked.
• 44:17
  So like the first love of my life,
• 44:20
  we were together from I was about, you know, I remember this
• 44:26
  because he was 19, I was 16.
• 44:27
  And for him, he had to have a big conversation
• 44:30
  because he felt that I was too young.
• 44:32
  We used to joke about it, no, because three years
• 44:35
  when you're like 16 and 19 might seem big.
• 44:37
  And then when you're an adult,
• 44:38
  who doesn't care as well, three years.
• 44:40
  But basically, same age.
• 44:42
  But we were together only for a boat, not even a year
• 44:48
  before I then went and did my A-levels abroad.
• 44:52
  And then I've always been moving, moving, moving.
• 44:54
  And so for a lot of our time, prior to Mr. Maker
• 44:59
  with long distance, then Mr. Maker
• 45:00
  were in the same country, and then I'm off again.
• 45:03
  And the reason I asked this question
• 45:04
  is because our relationship kind of started
• 45:06
  in that long distance space as you have just described.
• 45:09
  I just wondered, do you ever worry that if you're
• 45:12
  together all the time, then the dynamics
• 45:15
  of that relationship change?
• 45:17
  Yeah, I think when we're together, we're together like 24-7.
• 45:23
  Because you're trying to get as much time with this person
• 45:24
  because you don't know when you're leaving again.
• 45:27
  But the time that I came back to Indonesia
• 45:29
  and I was with him for four months, it was like four months
• 45:34
  was a pretty solid amount of time to be together 24-7.
• 45:37
  And we did drive each other crazy.
• 45:38
  We still drive each other crazy when we're together.
• 45:41
  Even though we don't get that much time together,
• 45:43
  we still like, actually, I think he drives me crazy.
• 45:46
  I don't think I drive him crazy.
• 45:48
  I'm like, we're going to go really really fast.
• 45:52
  We, I guess it'll be interesting to see kind of how it evolves.
• 45:58
  But we are, I think just having the communication,
• 46:03
  whatever comes up, we respect each other
• 46:06
  and we communicate well.
• 46:07
  If there's conflict, it's talked about.
• 46:10
  And I like the way that we handle any sort of off feelings
• 46:13
  or conflict, it's handled really well to a place
• 46:17
  where it's like, we talk about all the serious stuff.
• 46:22
  We do well with all these things.
• 46:24
  And we still annoy each other when we're together.
• 46:27
  When we're apart, we don't really annoy each other
• 46:29
  as much, actually, we don't.
• 46:31
  There's not as much to argue about because we're just chilling.
• 46:34
  I'm doing my thing.
• 46:35
  He's doing his thing, we're going to talk, that's it.
• 46:39
  Is that a consideration of where you would settle?
• 46:44
  Yes, I think so, yeah.
• 46:47
  So he's from Indonesia.
• 46:48
  Yes.
• 46:49
  Would he move?
• 46:53
  Most of our relationship as well is always in Indonesia,
• 46:58
  also living with his family.
• 46:59
  So in Bali, we're living with his family in his family's house.
• 47:05
  He's never met my family.
• 47:07
  And so it'll be interesting.
• 47:10
  I hope that we'll get some time to travel together
• 47:12
  for him to meet my family.
• 47:14
  It'll be interesting how that changes.
• 47:17
  He hasn't really traveled too much outside of Southeast Asia.
• 47:21
  Nor have I, I mean, American.
• 47:23
  I haven't, like, Southeast Asia is the only
• 47:25
  really good place I've traveled to, yeah.
• 47:28
  So I hope we'll get to travel together and stuff.
• 47:30
  And through that, of course, conflict will arise,
• 47:33
  but because we have such a good foundation of communication,
• 47:36
  I feel like very confident in that.
• 47:39
  The communication and the respect is always there,
• 47:42
  even if, like, my mom would always say,
• 47:44
  like, I love you very much, but right now, I don't like you.
• 47:47
  Yes.
• 47:48
  And sometimes I'm like, I love you so much, but like,
• 47:51
  but even in those moments, we can still
• 47:54
  respect each other.
• 47:55
  There's never a moment where it gets out of hand
• 47:57
  or emotions take over.
• 47:59
  And it's always talked about in a healthy way,
• 48:03
  which makes me feel like we have a strong foundation.
• 48:05
  Cool.
• 48:06
  Fun times.
• 48:06
  I love love so I hope it's helpful.
• 48:08
  Me too.
• 48:09
  Which is why I love so many people,
• 48:10
  and I just want to go see everyone.
• 48:13
  So the trip to Cambodia most recently,
• 48:17
  tell me how that matched out.
• 48:19
  So I was in Indonesia with my boyfriend,
• 48:24
  trying to kind of figure out what the next step was.
• 48:26
  I was supposed to go home in December 2024.
• 48:29
  For Christmas.
• 48:32
  And after that, I was like, oh my god, I don't have a plan.
• 48:35
  What am I going to do?
• 48:36
  And at the time, I was thinking to take another modeling
• 48:38
  contract.
• 48:41
  But then in Indonesia, they were like killing it
• 48:43
  in the pageants.
• 48:45
  Last year, 2024, they placed in almost everything,
• 48:48
  except for universe, which is unfortunate.
• 48:53
  They placed in almost everything.
• 48:55
  And I was hearing about it like crazy.
• 48:57
  And every time I would go to shoot or anything,
• 48:58
  someone would be like, oh my god, you need to join a pageant.
• 49:01
  I was like, OK.
• 49:03
  Was this the first time you had considered a pageantry?
• 49:05
  Yeah.
• 49:06
  The first time I had thought about it before.
• 49:08
  And I had a very like, I was a cheerleader.
• 49:12
  I was cheercaptain.
• 49:13
  I love to speak.
• 49:14
  I was very extroverted.
• 49:17
  I was a model, it kind of made sense.
• 49:19
  It just kind of seemed like.
• 49:23
  And then when I was there, and I was just kind of thinking
• 49:27
  about it, I was like, oh my god.
• 49:28
  Why not?
• 49:31
  I move places all the time.
• 49:32
  Why not go somewhere and do it?
• 49:33
  And how cool would it be to go live in Cambodia?
• 49:37
  Or like my grandparents are from or my dad is from.
• 49:41
  That would be so amazing.
• 49:42
  Get to represent a country and do it in a way
• 49:44
  that I feel is responsible to represent in a really great way.
• 49:52
  And I was researching Indonesia just one super national.
• 49:58
  And it was super national is pretty heavily focused
• 50:02
  on modeling, which is most of my background.
• 50:05
  And it happened to start in January,
• 50:07
  end of December, January, which was one
• 50:09
  I was supposed to fly to the US.
• 50:11
  And I was like, cool.
• 50:13
  That really lines up very nicely.
• 50:14
  And I just deemed their account, like, do I need to speak
• 50:17
  my mind?
• 50:18
  And do I need to have come ID?
• 50:19
  They're like, no.
• 50:20
  All good.
• 50:21
  Like, we will support you.
• 50:23
  If you come, we'll provide the training and all these things.
• 50:26
  Why did you not want to represent America?
• 50:30
  pageantry just wasn't as of a forefront, I guess, in the US.
• 50:34
  Really?
• 50:34
  And from where I grew up, it was just like, OK.
• 50:37
  That's very expensive.
• 50:39
  Is it?
• 50:40
  Yes.
• 50:40
  Do you have to pay to enter?
• 50:41
  Pay to enter, pay for the dresses, pay for photoshoots, hair,
• 50:47
  makeup.
• 50:48
  As in the contestants have to pay.
• 50:49
  Yeah.
• 50:50
  Oh, I didn't know that at all.
• 50:51
  Really?
• 50:52
  I just presumed it's expensive.
• 50:53
  I just presumed because it's America.
• 50:56
  And so from a cultural perspective,
• 50:58
  Americans seem to really love pageants, right?
• 51:00
  Like, it's one of the few countries
• 51:01
  that you have, like, the baby kids doing the pageants
• 51:04
  all the way through.
• 51:05
  But I just presumed that there was so much money
• 51:07
  in the industry that the idea that the contestants would
• 51:11
  need to pay, I was like, really?
• 51:13
  I guess I also just didn't consider it at all.
• 51:16
  OK.
• 51:17
  Do you feel American?
• 51:18
  Yeah.
• 51:19
  OK.
• 51:20
  Yeah, I feel American.
• 51:22
  But when people ask me, like, where I live, I'm like everywhere
• 51:25
  and everywhere.
• 51:25
  Sure.
• 51:27
  I feel American.
• 51:27
  But you feel American.
• 51:28
  So from a representation perspective,
• 51:32
  I'm really surprised that you chose Cambodia.
• 51:35
  It felt like a place where culture was really strong.
• 51:39
  OK.
• 51:40
  I felt like in the US, it wasn't something
• 51:45
  I would be as proud to represent, I think.
• 51:50
  Why?
• 51:52
  I just felt like the values and the culture were shifting.
• 51:58
  It is shifting a lot in the US.
• 52:01
  Values is something that's really important to me
• 52:04
  and to my family.
• 52:07
  And also growing up, I was able to identify
• 52:10
  that those values that I had or my family taught
• 52:14
  wasn't something that, like, everyone in the school
• 52:19
  kind of had a basis.
• 52:20
  OK.
• 52:21
  Whereas in Indonesia, when I hear about my boyfriend's experience
• 52:25
  in school, they all had this pride and unity
• 52:28
  because they believed in kind of the same spiritual things
• 52:32
  I believed in.
• 52:34
  They had the same Indonesian values.
• 52:40
  And in Cambodia, there's like Cambodian values.
• 52:43
  In the US, it's like hustle, you know?
• 52:48
  I don't know, there wasn't as much of a cultural stance.
• 52:54
  Sure.
• 52:54
  To really stand strong.
• 52:56
  And you chose to enter which page in here?
• 53:01
  Super national.
• 53:02
  Super national.
• 53:03
  And that is strictly from the modeling perspective?
• 53:06
  They did a lot of modeling.
• 53:10
  They're looking for more of a model.
• 53:12
  OK.
• 53:13
  In terms of their criteria, and it's going to win.
• 53:15
  Yeah.
• 53:16
  Of franchises, of the types of pageants.
• 53:19
  I'm being honest.
• 53:19
  I had no idea how pageants were taught.
• 53:21
  I was like, what is it?
• 53:23
  I thought it was just like Miss Cambodia, Miss Thailand,
• 53:27
  Miss America, Miss, like Miss USA.
• 53:29
  I don't know.
• 53:30
  I just was like, what do you mean?
• 53:31
  There's like different titles.
• 53:32
  Like, what is going on?
• 53:34
  I knew Miss Universe, but I thought it was like the same.
• 53:37
  OK.
• 53:38
  And then I started to like understand a bit.
• 53:42
  And the timing just worked out.
• 53:44
  It was like the timing and the way it presented itself to me.
• 53:47
  I believe a lot of energy and universe.
• 53:49
  And the way it presented was like, this is the one.
• 53:52
  This line's up really well.
• 53:53
  And everything's saying go.
• 53:56
  So the training started January?
• 53:58
  Yes.
• 53:58
  And when was the actual pageant?
• 54:00
  The training was throughout the pageant, actually.
• 54:03
  So I moved to your January after New Year.
• 54:07
  And then three days later, we started competition.
• 54:13
  My mom was the final crony.
• 54:15
  It was three months later.
• 54:16
  It was like, oh, competition.
• 54:18
  And it kept getting pushed.
• 54:19
  It was a lot of delays.
• 54:20
  It wasn't in true Cambodian spirit.
• 54:26
  Right.
• 54:27
  A lot of delays.
• 54:28
  Right.
• 54:29
  And so I got pushed quite a bit until April.
• 54:33
  OK.
• 54:33
  April's a good month, babe.
• 54:34
  I said.
• 54:35
  I said.
• 54:38
  Do you remember what it felt like on the actual pageant?
• 54:43
  The final day, as in leading up to?
• 54:46
  Yes.
• 54:46
  OK.
• 54:47
  I was like, so sleep deprived.
• 54:49
  Oh, no.
• 54:50
  I was like, delusional.
• 54:52
  And I was like, please, just let's do this.
• 54:55
  Let's go.
• 54:55
  Do they do all their scoring on one final pageant?
• 54:58
  Or is there, like, stages?
• 54:59
  It was through all the pages.
• 55:00
  OK.
• 55:01
  So there was a lot of challenges.
• 55:03
  And there were challenges.
• 55:04
  Like photo shoot challenges.
• 55:06
  Oh, really?
• 55:06
  Or fashion show challenges.
• 55:08
  OK.
• 55:09
  Which was cool, but it also in a way
• 55:14
  wasn't really judged on this particular criteria.
• 55:17
  OK.
• 55:17
  There was not a structure to it.
• 55:19
  Right.
• 55:20
  And like, I guess, for me, because in an American school
• 55:25
  system curriculum, you have rubrics.
• 55:27
  And those are like how you get graded.
• 55:29
  Yes.
• 55:29
  So that's how you write your paper, do your assignment.
• 55:32
  And so for me, I was like, not sure how to write.
• 55:35
  I was supposed to do it.
• 55:36
  It was hard.
• 55:37
  Like, I moved three times throughout it.
• 55:40
  I just moved here.
• 55:41
  And then I moved.
• 55:42
  I was living with relatives here, moved to my own,
• 55:45
  no, no, move to some other relatives, moved to my own apartment.
• 55:47
  OK.
• 55:48
  That in itself was like moving is definitely hard.
• 55:50
  Hard, stressful things.
• 55:52
  Really hard.
• 55:54
  Also, I moved here with one suitcase.
• 55:55
  And pageants have a lot of, you know,
• 55:57
  they're really into the outfits.
• 55:59
  And I also was like, very model of duty wardrobe, like jeans
• 56:03
  and a black t-shirt, even though I like really just,
• 56:06
  I love blazers and I love pants and I love t-shirts.
• 56:10
  Like, that's just kind of my thing.
• 56:12
  And people were very critical, supportive, but critical.
• 56:17
  In what way?
• 56:19
  They had really high expectations because I was performing well.
• 56:23
  I was in like a very clear top three.
• 56:27
  But I wasn't doing as good as the other girls,
• 56:30
  the other two girls in that top three.
• 56:33
  And this is locally, as in Camborean.
• 56:35
  I just, yeah, on a national level.
• 56:39
  In what way were you not doing as well?
• 56:41
  I wasn't, I didn't know what to do.
• 56:43
  I was unprepared.
• 56:44
  And the language barrier was hard because I
• 56:47
  didn't entirely understand what was going on.
• 56:49
  Right.
• 56:50
  Were you the only person that didn't speak Cambore?
• 56:52
  Yes.
• 56:53
  Oh, Lord.
• 56:53
  Yes, I was.
• 56:54
  At any point during this process, before you win,
• 56:59
  are you thinking about your own identity
• 57:02
  and whether you should even win because are you Camborean
• 57:04
  enough?
• 57:05
  Like, when I won Miss Jamaica, I was born in England,
• 57:08
  raised in Jamaica.
• 57:10
  And all of a sudden, everyone had an opinion about whether
• 57:12
  I was allowed to be a Jamaican.
• 57:15
  And I can imagine from your own personal perspective,
• 57:18
  seeing, particularly from a language, like,
• 57:20
  seeing language being surrounded by language,
• 57:22
  I just wondered if that ever planted like any doubtful seeds
• 57:25
  or were you like, actually, I don't
• 57:26
  care what you guys think I'm here.
• 57:29
  People were actually really supportive of it.
• 57:31
  Camborea was, I felt so loved and especially
• 57:35
  by the public, so supported.
• 57:38
  And without that, like, public support and love,
• 57:41
  I think it would have been.
• 57:43
  I probably would have stopped.
• 57:45
  Camboreans are clearly nicer than Jamaicans.
• 57:47
  We keep nationalizing it like nobody's business.
• 57:50
  I think because I was willing to embrace the culture,
• 57:55
  try to speak, at the time was actually
• 57:59
  taking private classes to learn.
• 58:02
  Because I was willing to try one of my first photoshoots
• 58:05
  was in traditional apps that are like dancer costume here.
• 58:09
  Because I was so excited to embrace the culture,
• 58:12
  people were really excited to embrace me.
• 58:15
  So what is the criteria to enter?
• 58:18
  You have to become Bodean.
• 58:21
  Eventually, I needed to get my ID, which I did.
• 58:25
  Hard when you don't speak mine.
• 58:27
  And hard when my dad doesn't have a Camborean
• 58:29
  birth certificate because of the war.
• 58:32
  But due to the war, many people are also
• 58:35
  trying to come back.
• 58:36
  And many people don't have birth certificates.
• 58:40
  But I had some family here that was able to help me.
• 58:43
  And other than that, there was not much criteria at all.
• 58:51
  For me, speaking was a really big thing.
• 58:53
  I was really excited to speak.
• 58:55
  That was what really differentiated it from modeling
• 59:01
  was the voice.
• 59:02
  Yeah, I love the speaking.
• 59:03
  Yes.
• 59:04
  I wanted to be a valedictorian just so that people
• 59:06
  be forced to listen to me.
• 59:09
  It's just for the speech, please.
• 59:12
  Make people have to listen to what I have to say.
• 59:14
  I love it.
• 59:15
  The whole stadium.
• 59:18
  I love speaking.
• 59:19
  And I think the pageantry has also
• 59:21
  made me a better speaker.
• 59:23
  OK.
• 59:26
  And it was, yeah, it gave me a voice and a personality.
• 59:31
  As a model, you're a blank canvas.
• 59:33
  Or you're becoming somebody else's thing, sure.
• 59:36
  As a pageant queen, you're representing something.
• 59:40
  You're speaking on something you care about.
• 59:42
  You're doing social work.
• 59:43
  You're making your positive role model.
• 59:46
  I was really excited about the role model part of it.
• 59:50
  But I also found that speaking wasn't something
• 59:54
  that generally, generally, people cared about as much here.
• 1:00:00
  OK.
• 1:00:00
  It made me sad.
• 1:00:01
  OK.
• 1:00:03
  Yeah.
• 1:00:03
  And then when you win, do you go to an international pageant?
• 1:00:08
  I was placed runner up.
• 1:00:10
  OK.
• 1:00:11
  At that point, I did great.
• 1:00:18
  I was happy front runner up.
• 1:00:19
  Like I was fully proud of myself.
• 1:00:23
  Sure.
• 1:00:23
  That I did it.
• 1:00:26
  And after that, I was offered by the National Director,
• 1:00:30
  another title that he held.
• 1:00:31
  OK.
• 1:00:32
  So now I represent Cambodia and Miss Planet.
• 1:00:34
  So, but you don't have a separate pageant.
• 1:00:36
  So they pick from the Miss Supernatural.
• 1:00:39
  They pick a Miss Planet.
• 1:00:41
  It wasn't necessarily like a direct thing.
• 1:00:44
  He was the first national director for,
• 1:00:47
  or he was his first time being a national director and holding
• 1:00:50
  Supra.
• 1:00:51
  OK.
• 1:00:52
  And he actually didn't hold planet at the time either.
• 1:00:55
  But because I agreed to it, he brought it for me.
• 1:00:59
  OK.
• 1:01:00
  And what does Miss Planet do?
• 1:01:09
  So my international competition is in the end of November.
• 1:01:14
  OK.
• 1:01:14
  And it will be here, which is really cool.
• 1:01:17
  I'm excited to meet people.
• 1:01:19
  I'm really excited to, I'm really excited for the social work.
• 1:01:23
  Right.
• 1:01:25
  And to be heard and to speak again, those are things
• 1:01:30
  I'm excited about.
• 1:01:34
  Planet is, Planet International is a Cambodian title.
• 1:01:37
  OK.
• 1:01:38
  So it was, so is it a global competition?
• 1:01:42
  Yes, it will be an international competition.
• 1:01:44
  But the international title is Cambodian.
• 1:01:47
  Yeah.
• 1:01:50
  It brought a lot of opportunity for me.
• 1:01:52
  And definitely as someone who just moved to the country,
• 1:01:55
  was like, I don't know.
• 1:01:57
  Title seemed to be a good thing here.
• 1:01:59
  Also new to pageantry, like, runner up?
• 1:02:02
  Cool, I guess he was good to me.
• 1:02:06
  Yeah, I was, I ended up accepting it.
• 1:02:10
  And yeah, so the campaigning for it starts soon.
• 1:02:16
  And I'm really excited about the social work.
• 1:02:20
  OK.
• 1:02:20
  Yeah.
• 1:02:21
  Did you have any stereotypes in your mind
• 1:02:23
  about pageants that has changed or been confirmed
• 1:02:26
  since you've no been involved in them?
• 1:02:31
  Yes and no.
• 1:02:33
  I find that when I'm observing pageants,
• 1:02:37
  at least from an outside perspective, it depends on the country.
• 1:02:42
  OK.
• 1:02:44
  Southeast Asia is really like, we love pageants.
• 1:02:47
  And the fan engagement is really high.
• 1:02:52
  Clients in Cambodia, like brands, really like that.
• 1:02:58
  In order to model in Cambodia, you really
• 1:03:00
  have to be an influencer.
• 1:03:01
  You have to have some sort of following.
• 1:03:03
  OK, really?
• 1:03:04
  Yeah, mostly you don't really get recognized or hired
• 1:03:07
  unless you have a following.
• 1:03:09
  And if you don't, the rates pretty low.
• 1:03:12
  So did you have a following because of your modeling background
• 1:03:14
  anyway before you came here?
• 1:03:16
  I had a bit of a following, but it really grew once I came here.
• 1:03:19
  OK.
• 1:03:19
  Because I really worked hard on my social media,
• 1:03:21
  especially the wanting to be heard.
• 1:03:23
  And like, I wanted to speak.
• 1:03:25
  Social media was a great outlet.
• 1:03:26
  Did you recognize the need for social media
• 1:03:29
  and then start to take it more seriously?
• 1:03:32
  I always loved social media.
• 1:03:33
  OK.
• 1:03:34
  Yeah, it was always something I really like to do.
• 1:03:37
  I never really liked to go off, it wasn't always so great at it.
• 1:03:40
  And it was something I loved posting.
• 1:03:42
  It was a good thing my parents didn't let me have it
• 1:03:44
  till I was older because goodness, I
• 1:03:47
  put a gun ham on it if I was younger.
• 1:03:49
  So your rate as a model is higher if you have a following.
• 1:03:54
  Yes, absolutely.
• 1:03:55
  Yeah.
• 1:03:55
  But I also find that in other countries,
• 1:04:00
  some places don't care.
• 1:04:01
  I'm like, you're what a miss, what?
• 1:04:03
  OK.
• 1:04:04
  And even some clients don't want to work with pageant.
• 1:04:09
  Or really, pageant girls.
• 1:04:11
  There are some clients who don't want it
• 1:04:13
  because of maybe the way that they show up,
• 1:04:20
  maybe the over editing or the sponsors,
• 1:04:25
  a lot of sponsor work, which also gives you
• 1:04:29
  a lot of competitive competition.
• 1:04:33
  I think also what's different is when you're a model,
• 1:04:35
  anywhere for skincare brand, the other skincare brand
• 1:04:37
  doesn't really care that much.
• 1:04:39
  Unless it's a huge campaign, if you want to billboard.
• 1:04:41
  Whereas here, if I am posting for a skincare brand,
• 1:04:47
  another skincare brand who has the same product
• 1:04:49
  probably doesn't want to use me.
• 1:04:50
  And I probably don't want to post two competitors
• 1:04:52
  skincare brands because there's a name.
• 1:04:54
  Is it also because the market's a little bit smaller
• 1:04:57
  in terms of the number of brands?
• 1:04:59
  Yes.
• 1:04:59
  OK.
• 1:05:00
  Yeah.
• 1:05:00
  And just the ratio of population to following.
• 1:05:06
  Sure.
• 1:05:07
  Is.
• 1:05:07
  Yeah.
• 1:05:08
  It's a small one.
• 1:05:10
  So is the dream in terms of career?
• 1:05:12
  I know your current in studying marketing.
• 1:05:13
  Yes.
• 1:05:14
  And is it to continue in the modeling industry?
• 1:05:18
  I don't think so.
• 1:05:20
  Modeling was never necessarily a passion.
• 1:05:24
  It was the travel and the experience that was a passion.
• 1:05:27
  The networking too.
• 1:05:28
  I'm a person and I love meeting people and talking.
• 1:05:34
  I love talking to people because I feel
• 1:05:37
  like it gives me new ideas.
• 1:05:39
  And yeah.
• 1:05:42
  So it's not a passion.
• 1:05:44
  And it's just kind of something that's taken off.
• 1:05:45
  And Benem means for me to travel and see the people I love
• 1:05:49
  and make money because I have to eat and make pay rent.
• 1:05:54
  Those types of things.
• 1:05:54
  Because nobody's given me those.
• 1:05:57
  My parents are like, you want to travel?
• 1:05:59
  Go ahead.
• 1:05:59
  But like, do you bet?
• 1:06:01
  Yeah, do it your own, not your own risk.
• 1:06:03
  Good luck.
• 1:06:05
  So it's been that.
• 1:06:06
  But I really, I love something I've recently discovered
• 1:06:11
  about myself through a lot of self-reflection
• 1:06:13
  is that I love creative strategy.
• 1:06:16
  I love the creative side of modeling.
• 1:06:18
  I've also thought about creative direction.
• 1:06:20
  It's like a job that I feel like I would love.
• 1:06:25
  Because I'm in this creative marketing space.
• 1:06:27
  It's not necessarily the industry that I don't like.
• 1:06:30
  It's the job that doesn't bring me
• 1:06:34
  as much passion anymore when it gets repetitive.
• 1:06:36
  When I'm doing 200 calls a day in front of a white backdrop,
• 1:06:39
  I'm like, cool.
• 1:06:42
  But I really love jobs when we are collaborating.
• 1:06:47
  When I recently had a job where the collaboration was so nice,
• 1:06:50
  I got to, it wasn't easy.
• 1:06:53
  It wasn't like, it wasn't also like I was bad at my job.
• 1:06:57
  It was like we have to figure out how to get what the client
• 1:06:59
  wants, how to emote this and how to the hair and the makeup
• 1:07:02
  and the set and the lighting and me, my expression,
• 1:07:07
  exudes something and makes somebody feel some way.
• 1:07:10
  And that is like creativity, but it's strategic.
• 1:07:14
  There's a method to the madness.
• 1:07:17
  Creative people are amazing, but they can be unique.
• 1:07:23
  Being in the creative industry, you're like, I'm work with them.
• 1:07:26
  Film directors are just something else.
• 1:07:29
  These amazing ideas that I'm like, whoa.
• 1:07:32
  You have to be a bit crazy.
• 1:07:33
  Yeah, but I really love putting strategy to it,
• 1:07:36
  like finding a way to make it happen.
• 1:07:40
  I also teach Pilates.
• 1:07:42
  I love teaching Pilates.
• 1:07:43
  I love motivating other people.
• 1:07:46
  It's something that sometimes I'm like, oh God, I'm so tired.
• 1:07:49
  I don't want to go teach.
• 1:07:51
  Then I go teach and I'm like, you got it.
• 1:07:52
  Keep going.
• 1:07:53
  And then I'm like, great.
• 1:07:54
  Let's go work out now.
• 1:07:57
  Yeah, so that's really cool.
• 1:08:00
  I also see a lot of market opportunity
• 1:08:02
  in Cambodia for business.
• 1:08:04
  OK.
• 1:08:07
  I really, when I came to Cambodia,
• 1:08:09
  I just saw the potential to make positive impacts here.
• 1:08:14
  And I'm still exploring what exactly that means for me.
• 1:08:17
  But I want to, like, my dad kind of gave us
• 1:08:20
  analogies, like, plant some seeds and make something grow.
• 1:08:23
  And I want that to be something that
• 1:08:25
  provides benefits to people.
• 1:08:27
  I don't want to just create a business where I make money
• 1:08:29
  out of somebody else.
• 1:08:31
  Like, I want to create something that creates jobs for people
• 1:08:35
  that creates healthy working environments
• 1:08:37
  and motivates people to take care of themselves
• 1:08:42
  and do something better, but also a profitable business.
• 1:08:45
  Sure.
• 1:08:46
  Do you feel that you will always have some roots
• 1:08:49
  in connection now with Cambodia?
• 1:08:51
  Absolutely.
• 1:08:52
  What is it about Cambodia?
• 1:08:55
  I think when I came here, what really felt so spiritual to me
• 1:09:01
  was the fact that I got to learn so much about my roots
• 1:09:07
  and represent it and make my family so proud.
• 1:09:11
  Like, showing my grandparents, like, look, I'm wearing
• 1:09:14
  the absada, and they're like, oh, my gosh, that's so cool.
• 1:09:18
  Or that being able to connect, not even reconnect,
• 1:09:24
  but connect with a place that's a part of me,
• 1:09:27
  50% part of me is so cool.
• 1:09:31
  And I get to represent it, and people are so excited
• 1:09:34
  to embrace that.
• 1:09:36
  And it makes me feel so welcome.
• 1:09:38
  And also, a responsibility like this country
• 1:09:41
  has given me so much opportunity.
• 1:09:43
  So I also feel a responsibility to return,
• 1:09:47
  to use that opportunity to really benefit other people,
• 1:09:50
  and not only take it for myself.
• 1:09:53
  I want to give back, and that's what keeps me here
• 1:09:58
  is because I feel the energy giving,
• 1:10:02
  and I also, I want to keep that energy flowing in and out.
• 1:10:05
  To someone who does not know anything about Cambodia,
• 1:10:08
  they've never been, they don't know anything,
• 1:10:10
  how would you describe it to them?
• 1:10:12
  It's a very lively place.
• 1:10:14
  People are always moving.
• 1:10:18
  People are always playing and always laughing.
• 1:10:20
  One of my family, my relatives here, who own a guest house
• 1:10:25
  across from their house, there's a bunch of kids.
• 1:10:28
  And I remember when I came here when I was 14,
• 1:10:31
  seeing these kids, they were throwing shoes
• 1:10:33
  at a dirty water bottle.
• 1:10:34
  I was like, what?
• 1:10:37
  But they were so happy.
• 1:10:38
  They were so excited and so entertained.
• 1:10:40
  Whereas I grew up in a place where it's more toys, more this,
• 1:10:44
  let's go to the toy store and buy more stuff.
• 1:10:46
  These kids had a plastic water bottle and puttle water
• 1:10:49
  like some old shoes.
• 1:10:50
  They took my brother's shoes.
• 1:10:51
  It was just, and they're so joyous.
• 1:10:55
  And people here are so joyous, so resilient.
• 1:10:59
  And they just love to love.
• 1:11:01
  And I love to love.
• 1:11:04
  So just that love that goes around.
• 1:11:06
  Even though I'm here alone, I never feel alone
• 1:11:09
  because I go to the supermarket and someone's excited to say hi.
• 1:11:13
  And like, there's a foreigner girl here.
• 1:11:16
  Oh my gosh, she's Cambodia.
• 1:11:17
  And like, wow.
• 1:11:18
  And that's what's, I think, that love
• 1:11:23
  is what really creates an energy, a draw for me.
• 1:11:28
  Is there anything that you would have wanted to touch on
• 1:11:29
  that we haven't spoken about?
• 1:11:33
  Yes.
• 1:11:33
  Oh, yes.
• 1:11:34
  There's one thing.
• 1:11:36
  I think I actually sent it in the voice
• 1:11:38
  no earlier and you asked about it.
• 1:11:40
  It was how other people see your life versus the reality.
• 1:11:47
  And I think I've experienced a lot lately.
• 1:11:51
  We're a big, but most of my job now is social media.
• 1:11:56
  And yet, I actually was talking to my mom.
• 1:11:59
  She's like, it's so interesting to call you and talk to you
• 1:12:02
  and then watch your videos on social media.
• 1:12:06
  Because it's not as though I think transparency is amazing,
• 1:12:10
  but it's also finding that balance of like,
• 1:12:13
  I have a private life as a rental.
• 1:12:15
  There are things that I don't necessarily
• 1:12:17
  want to share, can't share.
• 1:12:20
  And so it's not always rainbows and butterflies
• 1:12:23
  and traveling here and there and working cool jobs
• 1:12:27
  and making amazing friends.
• 1:12:29
  Those are, that is a part of it.
• 1:12:32
  But it doesn't come without the stress and anxiety
• 1:12:36
  and homesickness.
• 1:12:39
  Like I mentioned, it's the first time
• 1:12:42
  I've ever felt homesick, isn't it?
• 1:12:43
  And something triggered that feeling?
• 1:12:47
  Yeah, I think this is the first place
• 1:12:52
  I've lived for the longest other than the US.
• 1:12:57
  And being here with people who are very different from me,
• 1:13:02
  even though I'm Cambodian, I grew up in a very, very
• 1:13:04
  different place.
• 1:13:06
  And not really humans gravitate towards people
• 1:13:08
  who are really similar to them.
• 1:13:10
  And that makes it isolating to be here.
• 1:13:16
  Trying to figure out what I want, whether that's
• 1:13:18
  a title or opportunity, also meeting
• 1:13:23
  different groups in Cambodia.
• 1:13:25
  We talked about earlier this wealth gap of like,
• 1:13:28
  there's these amazing people that I'm connecting with.
• 1:13:31
  And there's also this high society of people
• 1:13:33
  who are also really willing to embrace me as like,
• 1:13:36
  but I don't feel like I fit any of them.
• 1:13:38
  Where do I go here?
• 1:13:41
  I have made some amazing friendships.
• 1:13:45
  But I've never in my life felt so happy to be alone
• 1:13:51
  as I do here.
• 1:13:53
  OK.
• 1:13:54
  But I'm extroverted.
• 1:13:55
  I love people.
• 1:13:57
  And I think that's maybe because I don't feel like there's
• 1:14:02
  people that I can don't take energy to be with.
• 1:14:07
  And that's not because anybody is negative.
• 1:14:10
  It's because we're so different.
• 1:14:13
  Sure.
• 1:14:14
  Diversity is amazing.
• 1:14:15
  But naturally, when you feel safe with someone,
• 1:14:17
  it's because they understand you.
• 1:14:18
  Because you have similar backgrounds.
• 1:14:21
  And you don't need to explain everything.
• 1:14:23
  No.
• 1:14:24
  It just gets.
• 1:14:24
  They just get it.
• 1:14:25
  Yeah.
• 1:14:26
  And are there lots of Americans here?
• 1:14:30
  I don't know.
• 1:14:30
  There's a lot of French.
• 1:14:32
  Yes.
• 1:14:33
  Yes.
• 1:14:33
  Yes.
• 1:14:34
  There is.
• 1:14:36
  Yeah.
• 1:14:37
  A lot of people speak French here.
• 1:14:39
  Because Cambodia used to be colonized by my friends.
• 1:14:43
  But yeah, I think just social media, it's a monster.
• 1:14:47
  And it's also a gift.
• 1:14:48
  And I also hope that when people watch my things,
• 1:14:52
  I try to be transparent.
• 1:14:53
  I try to speak on things in a way that is motivational
• 1:14:59
  and relatable.
• 1:15:03
  Recently posted a video about two truths
• 1:15:06
  that have been getting me through life.
• 1:15:07
  And one of them is that we can only rely on change.
• 1:15:12
  I don't remember the other one.
• 1:15:13
  But it was basically these two truths
• 1:15:16
  that have been getting me through life recently,
• 1:15:18
  which I felt was a motivational way to speak,
• 1:15:21
  but also an honest way of not everything is perfect.
• 1:15:25
  I know it looks this way and looks that way.
• 1:15:27
  Do you feel pressure to show an element of perfection online?
• 1:15:31
  Yes and no.
• 1:15:36
  I think that there's a lot of different people
• 1:15:38
  that I think about who was watching me.
• 1:15:40
  There's family from back home, or friends from back home,
• 1:15:44
  from my hometown.
• 1:15:47
  There's Cambodian audience and fans,
• 1:15:50
  and just people in Cambodia.
• 1:15:53
  And then there's also clients and agencies.
• 1:15:56
  So it's like, how do you appeal to these three
• 1:15:58
  very different people who think very different things?
• 1:16:01
  Whereas when I'm modeling,
• 1:16:04
  you just want to show that you're working.
• 1:16:05
  So clients know your in demand.
• 1:16:07
  That also works for back home.
• 1:16:08
  They don't know you're working.
• 1:16:10
  Whereas in Cambodia, these people
• 1:16:13
  want to see Cambodian culture on the time.
• 1:16:15
  And that's amazing to share.
• 1:16:17
  But it's like, how do I figure out what to share
• 1:16:19
  and what to do and what to post?
• 1:16:22
  And then how do I want people to view me?
• 1:16:24
  And I think that trying to be successful,
• 1:16:28
  and trying to look successful,
• 1:16:31
  is there's a pressure of that for sure.
• 1:16:33
  Right.
• 1:16:35
  Yeah, I mean, I have such a love-hate relationship
• 1:16:37
  with social media, but that's for another.
• 1:16:39
  Yeah.
• 1:16:41
  It's always been something I liked,
• 1:16:43
  but I've always also said it's like a monster,
• 1:16:47
  and it's like a gift at the same time.
• 1:16:49
  Brings opportunity, but also brings,
• 1:16:52
  like, could be the culprit for a lot of my anxiety,
• 1:16:55
  but it also is the culprit for a lot of my success.
• 1:16:57
  Yeah, so it's like, it depends how we use it
• 1:17:02
  and how we share, which is why I think everyone has.
• 1:17:04
  Whoever's, you know, if you have a following,
• 1:17:06
  you have a responsibility to be,
• 1:17:09
  to think about how you're communicating things with people
• 1:17:13
  and what you're promoting.
• 1:17:15
  Cool.
• 1:17:15
  Well, thank you very much for sharing.
• 1:17:17
  Thank you so much for having me.
• 1:17:19
  I'm really excited that I got to do this with you.
• 1:17:21
  Thank you for making it happen.
• 1:17:22
  I know you are really busy.