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The first thought in my head this morning · An ASMR Practice

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Good morning. Good morning, y'all. Oh. This is something I
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: have been praying on. And I woke up and I
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: kind of just... It was like going through my head again.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: I felt so much anger at this guy. And I
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: don't even know this guy. I really don't even know
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: this guy. He's like a very... peripheral character or he
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: was at the time and I felt so fucking mad
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: at him because he told me he came to me
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: with some shit that my partner at the time was
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: saying you know And he was like, this guy should
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: not be saying this stuff. You should really look out
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: for him. And that, it just pissed me off in
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: such a huge way. And I think I just maybe
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: kind of realized why, like. I mean, on one hand,
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: this guy, mind your own fucking business, first of all.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: I think that's like rule number one. Kind of. Oh
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: god I have no idea where I'm going. I didn't
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: even consider this. Two. Yeah. This was like. Right before
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: I kind of like. Slipped into a little bit of madness.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: If I'm honest. And I think it was just like.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: years of like bottled up rage and like sadness because
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: it's like who the fuck is looking after me who
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: the fuck and it's like don't get me wrong i
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: like believe in a god and i feel like i
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: am looked after i believe it but like we got
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: my dad who's like actively putting me in like pretty
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: dangerous situations and i i convinced myself it was fun
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: i was like It's fun. We're having fun. And then
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: we had my mom, who's, like, pretty, like, chronically busy
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: and exhausted. And, like, any time I asked her anything, like, oh,
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: can I do this? She'd say, I don't care. She
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: would straight up say, I don't care. Stop asking me. And...
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I mean, I'm trying to think of, like, exes. Like,
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: were they looking out for me? I mean, if they
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: were looking out for me, they were doing it in
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: such a way as to essentially just control me. Like,
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: in a way, I think they tried to show care. Like,
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: don't wear crop tops. It's gonna make you look like
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: a slut. Um... Don't go outside. This is a dangerous city. Um...
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: What else? But it's just, like, they're just telling me
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: not to do something I want to do. Which is, like,
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: not exactly looking out for someone. Like, I had an ex, like, this, like, this, like,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: gang of guys pulled up. And he's, like, standing right
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: beside me. And we're, like, at a concert. And this
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: freaking posse pulls up. And they're just, like, being extremely
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: objectifying towards me and like calling calling calling me like
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: a dog and he he said he laughed and then
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: said nothing and it's like i listen i don't think
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: he could have won that fight if i'm just being
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: completely honest so it's like i i wasn't expecting him
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: to fight him but like to like smile and laugh
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: with him was kind of crazy if i'm honest just
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: completely honest I was like I don't really feel looked
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: after I don't really feel good and like my most
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: recent ex yeah I think I think he was just
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: like too hyper independent he was just too hyper independent
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: it's like yeah he fed me he fed me His
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: version of food. And like... I don't know. I'm sure
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: we would disagree over how much control I had. Where
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: I feel like I didn't have a lot of control.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: And he was like, well... Can't you just make a
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: grocery list? And I did sometimes. But I think... It
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: just wasn't working. It just wasn't working for me. I
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: think I wanted to be more involved. But... It was, like,
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: it was always on his schedule. And so I probably just,
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: I just got a, like, grocery shop for myself, I
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: think is kind of the conclusion. Because, yeah, it's just, like,
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: the whole process was, like, pretty uninspiring for me to
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: want to cook. And it's, like, I literally love to cook.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: And so yeah. It just really pissed me off. Look
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: after him. Look after him. What does that even mean?
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: What does that even mean? And who's looking after me?
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: And I was just. You know. And then to learn.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: Which it could be wrong. The information I have. It
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: definitely could be wrong. But then to learn that like.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: Because it's like I was told he's going around saying
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: this shit. He's saying this shit to everyone. He's like
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: toting it. And to learn that from him, my ex, like...
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: He said it to one person who's like related to
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: this person who's telling me. So it just felt like
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: a setup. It was just like, it just felt like
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: a literal setup. Look after him. Look after him. And
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: it's also, like, so what he's saying there is he's saying, like,
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: train your boy to not squander himself. Which, by the way,
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: this is, like, the paranoia agent number one. Like, this
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: guy has, like, severe anxiety. So it's, like, what was
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: actually going on is, like, Like what he was saying
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: is actually kind of just true. It's actually kind of
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: just true and it's like kind of the relaxed kind
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: of frame of mind to have. And it's just like
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: this guy is just like mad paranoid for some reason.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: And he was like, you need to condition your boy
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: to be more paranoid. And this is going to be
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: you looking after him and caring for him. Huh? Are
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: you good, bro? And I couldn't even say all that
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: in the moment. I was so pissed. I was so pissed.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: And it just goes back. It goes back to being
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: a literal child. Oh, shit. This is where I want
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: to go. It goes back to being a literal child
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: and feeling like nobody was looking out for me. Like,
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: everybody was just shitting on my life. Everyone was just, like,
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: spreading lies about me and shitting on my life. And
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: then my mom was like, I don't care. My mom.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: And then at another point, you know, because they were
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: trying to figure out how to, like, blame me. Everyone
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: was trying to figure out how to blame me. And so,
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: you know, they'd be in cahoots with my mother. I
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: stopped talking to her. I stopped talking to her because
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: I was like, she doesn't fucking care. She literally doesn't
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: even fucking care. She said so. Um... And uh... They
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: were trying to figure out how to blame me. I
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: was just talking, I was actually just talking on the
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: phone about this. There was this other girl, it happened
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: to another girl too. Where it's like, there was like
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: revenge porn going around. Like her nudes got out. And
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: she got in trouble! She literally got in trouble. And
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: she's taking a hard turn into, like, a very orthodox
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: kind of faith. She's popping out kids left and right
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: these days. Um. And, I mean, I don't think my
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: nudes went around. I don't think I was really sending.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I frankly don't know. But. there was
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: this guy, this older guy, just a little bit older,
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: who was messaging me saying nasty fucking shit, being extremely horny. And, like,
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: I remember I was, like, in bed with my giggle girl. Like,
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: I was in bed with my girlfriend. And we were
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: just laughing. We just thought it was funny. We were like,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: this is so gross. Like, why is he being so gross?
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: And so we were, like, just giving him enough. Like,
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: just barely giving him enough for him to... We were, like,
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: trying to see how far he would go. But, like,
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: my memory seems to be that we were not... Really offering.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: Like we were not really providing anything. To the situation.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: We were just like. Feeding into. We were just offering.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: Just enough. To keep it going. And then this motherfucker.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: And then I got in trouble. And then I got
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: in trouble. Because an older guy was being nasty to me.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: And don't get me wrong. I was kind of playing
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: into it. Me and my girlfriend were kind of playing
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: into it. We thought it was kind of funny. I
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: was like, yeah, I got in trouble. You know? And
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: I think they sent, I don't, I can't remember. I
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: was trying to remember. I think this might have been,
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I got in trouble a lot. I
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: got sent to the freaking office a lot. Because they
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: were just like absolutely micromanaging me in a really huge way.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: Because I was supposed to be the example and I
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: was supposed to be the leader. I was supposed to
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: be like little miss perfect. Problem with that is I
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: mean everybody fucking hates you if that's who you are.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: Everyone's fucking mad at you. It's like the fucking... Wicked. Bro. Like,
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: this whole, like, pink... This whole pink fucking bubble fairy bullshit.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: This is not how it works. Nobody likes you. When
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: you're in charge. And when you're, like, well-liked. I don't know.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: I was never really, like... Well, okay. There was a
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: time I was well-liked. Honestly, in, like... First grade. Dude,
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: I remember... It drove me absolutely crazy. It actually drove
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: me crazy. Exit the parking lot. Thank you. In, like,
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: first grade, we would go to the playground for recess.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: And I would have, like... At least four, if not
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: like up. If not. I'd have at least four, if
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: not like six to eight fucking children following me around.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: They'd be following me. And I just remember one day
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: I flipped shit. I was like, why is everybody following me?
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: Get out of here, guys. Can we go do something
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: on your own? I just wanted to like walk around.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: I just literally wanted to walk around. It's like I
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: got like six fucking children. Just blabbing behind me. Following me.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: I was like well y'all shut up. First of all.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: And second of all will you get out of here.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: This is way too much. Because it was like the
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: routine every day. It's like oh. And then it's like
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: they want me to decide what we're doing. They literally.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: They're like what are we going to do? What game
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: are we going to play? They're just like asking a
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: bunch of questions. And I'm like. And most times I
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: had an answer. Most times I was like, listen, I
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: was headed towards the swings, okay? Like, I'm rocking with
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: the swings in a pretty big way. Or I'd be like, oh,
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: I was planning to sit in the grass today. They're just, like,
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: following me around. And I just remember the day I, like,
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: flipped shit. And then I'm pretty sure they, like, stopped
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: following me around after that. And I was like, good riddance.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: Holy shit. Well, I don't know. I think I probably
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: came to miss it eventually. Like, eventually I was like,
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: where did all my friends go? Where did all my
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: friends go? But... I don't know. Some people might say
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: I have rage issues. And I would say, yeah, this
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: is probably true. I think... I think I was, like,
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: the main kid... in my family that was like doing
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: house chores I think I was the main kid that
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: was like being emotional support for every single person in
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: the house I think teachers were putting like an extremely
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: high standard on me from a very young age and
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: yeah sometimes I just wish I could just literally be
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: stupid sometimes I wish I could just literally be a
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: stupid normal person I think that would be, like, kind
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: of nice. And I... Unfortunately, I don't know that they're
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: gonna let me. The powers, the forces, they're not gonna
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: let me, I don't think. Maybe. Maybe they will. I
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: don't know. I might be able to... I might be
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: able to see what I can do. I don't know.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: So I do have a lot of anger, but ultimately...
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: What I've been seeing is it's like, even though I
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: have anger and sadness in my like moments alone, I
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: feel like when I'm around people, I mean, I feel
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: like I've just sort of returned to like my college
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: state of like, okay, the trees are in like perfect
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: lines here. This is crazy. Interesting. I forgot what I
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: was saying. But yeah, I don't know. I feel like...
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: Because yeah, in college I was probably like insecure about it.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: And at this point I don't really feel insecure about it.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: I don't think. God help. I don't think. But in
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: college it's like... I think I just wanted to hang
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: out with people one on one. Really. That was sort
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: of like my main thing. And I was pretty okay
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: at it. Or if I was, like, leading an adventure. Like,
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: if we were, like, doing something kind of big and
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: exciting and I was kind of in charge. And I
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: picked all the details. Then that was okay. But it's, like,
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: when I would find myself, like, as a participant in
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: someone else's group, I was, like, I... I just had
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: nothing to say. I had really nothing to say. I
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: was like, this sucks. This literally sucks. So in that way,
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: I do like choosing and I do like being in charge.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: Just because I think it goes a little better than
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: when it's not me in charge. For me. And yeah,
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: so I've seen that pattern lately. Like when I'm in
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: a group, it's like, yeah, I just don't really have
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: anything to say to the group. Unless it's my group.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: But it could change. It could change one day. I
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: think I'm also kind of like a... I think if
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: people are around, I think my brain... This is a theory.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: Or an observation, historically. When people are around, I think
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: my brain is pretty quiet. except not always like with
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: my ex that was not true my with my ex
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: I was looking at him and I was like dang
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: he looks extremely peaceful and my brain was like freaking
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: out about the quality of his peace and like the
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: intense like I don't I think I was comparing I
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: think I'd never met someone who I perceived as being
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: kind of peaceful like I think most people are like
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: pretty like hyperactive or like anxious or you know they're
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: like And I think I would just look at him
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: and I would start to panic that I... That he
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: was like... He had like mastered a level of like...
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: Just simply not giving a fuck. That I... I thought I...
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: I thought I had that. And then I like saw it...
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: Amplified in him. And I was like, oh boy. And
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: then my brain was kind of freaking out. So, that's
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: like not ideal... for sure. But yeah. My car is
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: making a weird noise. This is not good. But yeah.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: My brain's pretty quiet when people are around. Like I
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: think I just go into like observer mode, honestly. And
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: I'm just, I'm kind of just like scoping it out.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: And not because I'm scared. I don't think it's because
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: I'm scared. I think it's just like, I'm trying to
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: figure out how much I'm willing to share. I'm trying
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: to figure out like, is this person like extremely reactive?
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: It's like chemistry. It's like straight chemistry. And that's probably,
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe that's weird. Did I do that? Um,
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: I've never seen this kind of gas station before. It's
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: just called Gate. Gate. Alright. That's all I have. Bye. Okay,
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: I just gotta do a quick public service announcement. The
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: gas stations in Florida are simply unmatched. Like, every time
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: I come here, there's like, just the best gas stations ever.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: And you know, it's actually kind of funny. I went
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: on a first date at a gas station once in Florida. Um, yeah,
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: this guy was like, let me take you out, girl.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: And I was like, okay. He took me to the
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: freaking Wawa. And I had never even seen the Wawa.
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: I was like, what's a Wawa? And, you know, he, like,
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: took me to, like, the self-automated, like, you, like, place
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: your order on, like, a screen. And he's like, what
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: you want? And I was like, I don't know, I
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: think I got, like, a quesadilla or something. It was
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: not very good, if I'm honest. But they could have
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: just been having an off day. But, yeah, this gas
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: station is really cool. This gas station is, like, extremely,
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: they have freaking soft serve in here. I was kind
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: of tempted if it wasn't like 8 in the morning.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: But yeah, I don't know. That's all I have to say. Bye.