Latest / You're Not Too Much / Why We Do People-First Leadership (even though it has to suck first!)

Transcript

Why We Do People-First Leadership (even though it has to suck first!) · You're Not Too Much

• 0:00
  Do you think I could fit this in my purse?
• 0:05
  Take the time. Take as much time as you need
• 0:10
  and then immediately get a million dollars for being a nice person.
• 0:17
  That means I am actually going to win the lottery faster than he is,
• 0:22
  because that's how karma works, right?
• 0:26
  Hi, everybody. I'm Lauren Howard.
• 0:29
  Welcome to Different, Not Broken —
• 0:35
  our podcast on exactly that.
• 0:40
  There are a lot of people in this world walking around feeling broken,
• 0:47
  and the reality is you're just different. And that's fine.
• 0:52
  I got a call — God, it was a couple weeks ago now —
• 0:58
  from one of those friends who doesn't really call.
• 1:04
  I don't have a lot of friends who call because ew.
• 1:10
  But this one in particular, if he's calling, there's a thing.
• 1:16
  Most people, I would probably just text and be like, in the middle of the...
• 1:23
  Mostly because I don't want to answer the phone.
• 1:28
  But him, he's calling, like, there's a thing. And so I answered.
• 1:34
  He's usually one of my emotional support humans.
• 1:40
  I don't usually serve as his emotional support human.
• 1:46
  That is not a complaint. I am happy to do it for him at any time.
• 1:52
  However, he does not tend to need me as an emotional support human.
• 1:58
  He has a very logical, very goal directed,
• 2:02
  very dark and twisted view on life, which I appreciate.
• 2:08
  And I could tell by his answer he just needed something.
• 2:15
  Something grander. Like, he needed something.
• 2:22
  So we start talking and he basically says...
• 2:31
  Business is really hard right now.
• 2:38
  Not hard because we don't have enough business — thankfully we do.
• 2:44
  I'm trying to run a business the way that I think businesses should be run
• 2:52
  and the way that they are not traditionally run, and it sucks.
• 3:02
  He had multiple people out at the same time
• 3:09
  for things that were completely out of their control.
• 3:15
  So he was doing a bunch of their work —
• 3:22
  and paying them to get to not do their work, which can be really hard.
• 3:31
  He really thought I was going to say, well, here are the five ways to handle that.
• 3:40
  And I was like, no, dude. This sucks.
• 3:48
  I don't have another way around it. It's hard.
• 3:55
  There are days when doing what's right by the humans in front of you is really hard
• 4:02
  because it's expensive and it's time consuming.
• 4:10
  And it puts a lot of work on, in essence, the boss.
• 4:18
  Because who else is going to pick up that slack?
• 4:28
  Sometimes it's a confluence of so many things at once that you feel like you're drowning.
• 4:38
  But if you're going to give the freedom and flexibility to your people,
• 4:48
  you have to give it to all of your people.
• 4:58
  And I was like... yeah. It sucks.
• 5:08
  I didn't have anything more intelligent to say.
• 5:16
  If this were the easy way to do business, everybody would do it that way.
• 5:24
  We know we're doing things the hard way. We know when we make this choice.
• 5:34
  You don't realize how hard it is until someone has been out of the office
• 5:42
  for week seven of what was supposed to be a one-week sick leave.
• 5:52
  And you're picking up the slack because you're not gonna go to this really sick person and say, I need you back.
• 6:02
  And you're not gonna replace them. You're not gonna fire them when they're dealing with this personal tragedy.
• 6:12
  So it just has to suck. And I wish there was a better answer, but there's just not.
• 6:25
  There are humans in front of you who need things.
• 6:35
  And sometimes those needs have to come before the other important business things.
• 6:45
  What I said to him is — this is temporary.
• 6:55
  Right now, while you're waiting for this person to come back from leave,
• 7:05
  it's really hard. There's no way around it.
• 7:14
  There are some states where the cost of leave doesn't fall on the employer
• 7:24
  because they have state-run programs.
• 7:34
  So nobody gets screwed. The business isn't getting screwed.
• 7:43
  The person isn't losing access to their funding. That's a win-win.
• 7:53
  And I reminded him — this part is temporary.
• 8:03
  It sucks. It's awful getting up and going into work
• 8:13
  when you know that you have to do the job of four people.
• 8:23
  But the long-term effect is that you're going to have loyal employees.
• 8:33
  Employees who pick up the slack for you when you can't pick it up for yourself.
• 8:39
  If this were easy, everybody would do it.
• 8:49
  If running your business this way were the cheap way to do it,
• 8:59
  every company would do it and you wouldn't be remarkable for doing it.
• 9:09
  And mind you — the stuff that he's doing is like the bare minimum for humanity.
• 9:16
  We're not talking about giving people five years of paid maternity leave.
• 9:26
  He's giving them the human responses that humans need.
• 9:36
  And that somehow has become wildly revolutionary.
• 9:44
  We're talking about a job that accommodates your humanity. Shocker.
• 9:51
  I promised him — when he got to the other side of it, there would be a reward there.
• 10:01
  I don't know when the other side is, and I don't know what the reward is.
• 10:11
  But it's there. I promise you it's there.
• 10:14
  He called me again maybe a week or two ago and he was like...
• 10:18
  All right, I gotta tell you something.
• 10:22
  And I was like, oh God, what did I do now?
• 10:26
  The person who was out on leave came back.
• 10:35
  The other person who had to take an unexpected leave
• 10:45
  is now my chief operating officer
• 10:55
  and is handling most of the day-to-day stuff.
• 11:03
  And I was like, so you got through the suck?
• 11:06
  And he was like, we got through the suck.
• 11:09
  And I was like, and it was really hard and felt impossible.
• 11:12
  And it was really hard and felt impossible.
• 11:15
  And I was like, and now you see why you do it.
• 11:20
  And he was like, I see it.
• 11:25
  Like, I did make some policy changes.
• 11:32
  I sprung for a disability policy that we didn't have before —
• 11:39
  it's expensive out of pocket, but cheap at the price if somebody needs it.
• 11:44
  I see it now. I see it.
• 11:47
  And this is not at all about being right.
• 11:57
  But this is one of the things that I talk about all the time.
• 12:07
  Most of what I do is not proprietary.
• 12:12
  We need more people in the world doing good work, not less.
• 12:22
  You're never gonna be in a situation where you do something really cool or kind or compassionate
• 12:32
  and then the next day win the lottery. That's not how it works.
• 12:42
  But you will do all of those little tiny pockets.
• 12:46
  There's not a road sign that says "other side."
• 12:56
  You just get there when you get there.
• 13:07
  We had an employee who was gone with very little contact for a really long time.
• 13:17
  Business says the right thing to do was to put her on documentation.
• 13:27
  I was not going to bother this person when I knew she was going through
• 13:37
  maybe the hardest things she had ever been through in her life.
• 13:43
  Our HR person asked if she should keep running payroll for her.
• 13:53
  And I was like, yep. But she's not working. I know.
• 14:01
  There's always a part in the back of your brain going —
• 14:11
  you know, this is not how you're supposed to do things.
• 14:18
  Well, this is how I choose to run my business. So shove it, boys in the back of my head.
• 14:25
  The only communication she got from me during that time period
• 14:35
  was just — don't worry about your job. It'll be here when you get back.
• 14:43
  When she did call me, she told me the whole depth of it.
• 14:46
  Basically they thought it was a stomachache.
• 14:56
  And it turned out to be very much not a stomachache.
• 15:04
  I asked her for her address and I sent her fuzzy socks and a blanket
• 15:11
  and one of those hospital-type tables that raise up and down and slide over your bed.
• 15:21
  I don't care how old you are, everybody should have one. They're amazing. I have one.
• 15:31
  She finally came back to work, I want to say, like six or seven weeks later.
• 15:41
  And I said, I don't want you to come back on my account.
• 15:51
  You come back when you're ready.
• 16:01
  Meanwhile, I'll be very honest, I was drowning in her work
• 16:11
  because we only have one of her, and the only person who does what she does is me.
• 16:22
  She wants to be working. So I just set the expectation.
• 16:32
  Tell me what you need. We'll be here when you need it.
• 16:42
  When she called me and told me about this really horrible situation she was in —
• 16:51
  we're in the US, so obviously my first thought was,
• 17:01
  oh my God, what are those medical bills gonna be? That's gonna be awful for her.
• 17:10
  And then I had this flashback to a decision I made almost two years ago —
• 17:20
  where I purchased insurance for our company that we pay 100% on.
• 17:30
  It was three times as expensive as what we were told to buy for our size.
• 17:40
  And I just went — I can't give people startup chaos AND a $5,000 deductible.
• 17:50
  I just can't do both.
• 18:00
  A friend said to me: doing the right thing for your people
• 18:10
  is never the irresponsible decision.
• 18:18
  And I was like, oh yeah. It's true.
• 18:28
  But it has been hard every month to look at that bill.
• 18:35
  Flash forward just over a year.
• 18:45
  That's why we paid for the health insurance coverage.
• 18:55
  Because everything she was going through is covered.
• 19:06
  All of her doctors were in network.
• 19:10
  Her out-of-pocket was very minimal compared to other people
• 19:18
  who have gone through the same therapies.
• 19:25
  And I went — oh, this is why we do it. Right here. This is why we do it.
• 19:35
  Then moment two: she called me again — not a person who calls me very often.
• 19:45
  She said...
• 19:52
  I just left the doctor and all of the treatments are working.
• 20:02
  The fact that I had immediate access to this care —
• 20:12
  the fact that my treatment wasn't delayed — is probably why
• 20:22
  I'm having such a fantastic response.
• 20:30
  And I was like, oh, that's why.
• 20:35
  Right there. That's why. Got it.
• 20:42
  Because this has been hard as... well, you know.
• 20:50
  But that's why.
• 21:01
  Last Christmas, I opened the front door to this giant box.
• 21:11
  And the note basically said — I wouldn't have been able to get through
• 21:21
  what the last year looked like if you hadn't been so supportive. Thank you so much.
• 21:31
  There was a mug that said Chaos Coordinator.
• 21:37
  And I was like — oh, that's me. That's what I do.
• 21:42
  That was not immediate, right?
• 21:47
  I didn't say, take the time, take as much time as you need,
• 21:57
  and then immediately get a million dollars for being a nice person.
• 22:05
  We went through a whole ton of suck to get there. But a human has her health because of it.
• 22:15
  In his case, it led to promotions and expansions and more hiring
• 22:20
  because he got through the suck.
• 22:28
  But that doesn't mean it's easy.
• 22:33
  It doesn't mean that we wake up and we're immediately edified by our choices.
• 22:39
  In fact, you curse your own name a lot when you're looking at the bank balance going,
• 22:47
  why did I spend so much on my employees? This is awful.
• 22:53
  But you find out why. Life shows you why in lots of different ways.
• 23:00
  And in both his case and my case, life showed us why.
• 23:09
  Yes, it sucks. And doing the right thing is hard.
• 23:13
  Doing the right things by humans is atrociously bad so often.
• 23:20
  And is still the thing to do.
• 23:28
  That is probably not going to be tomorrow.
• 23:36
  But you'll get there. You sometimes have to hold your breath and get through it.
• 23:45
  Don't hold your breath too long. 'Cause then I'll have to call the ambulance for you.
• 23:52
  I have a couple of control issues.
• 24:00
  And I want to control the stuff out of these situations.
• 24:09
  But there is no tree. There is just time and universal balance.
• 24:17
  And you'll get there someday. But I can't tell you when.
• 24:25
  So sorry. Not sorry. But also sorry.
• 24:33
  And now we'll go to Allison, who has this week's small talk.
• 24:40
  We have a question from Becca in Asheville, North Carolina.
• 24:50
  I keep replaying conversations in my head long after they're over —
• 25:00
  not just awkward ones, but normal ones too.
• 25:08
  Is that anxiety, rumination, or just my brain refusing to shut up?
• 25:16
  And how do you get it to stop at 2am?
• 25:23
  As somebody who has done a million mental health intakes in my career —
• 25:30
  racing thoughts at 2am: you should go talk to somebody.
• 25:36
  That's a sign of a lot of things. But if that's the way you're feeling at 2am,
• 25:45
  it might be time to talk to somebody.
• 25:52
  That said, I replay conversations in my head constantly.
• 26:00
  And I'm usually pretty good on my feet.
• 26:10
  But there are still some aspects of the social experience that just totally flew by me.
• 26:20
  I sense manipulation really fast. That gets my spidey senses tingling.
• 26:30
  But there are other more subtle things — like somebody asking for something
• 26:40
  without asking for it — that I will totally miss.
• 26:50
  I tend to take things at face value maybe more than I should.
• 27:00
  Because I just don't want to do the work to figure out what the underlying thing is.
• 27:11
  I don't know if we ever stop torturing ourselves about the way things happened.
• 27:20
  I do think as you get older, you care less.
• 27:30
  I had to make a choice at some point that if somebody wasn't going to tell me what they actually wanted,
• 27:40
  that's probably not a person I'm going to communicate with well.
• 27:50
  In general, you have to take people by what they say.
• 28:00
  Assume that what they said is correct unless they tell you otherwise.
• 28:08
  You do get to a point where you're like — I do not have the energy
• 28:18
  to dissect this thing 700,000 times.
• 28:25
  If somebody needs something or wants something from me, they'll tell me.
• 28:35
  But if the dissecting things in the middle of the night is actually keeping you from sleeping —
• 28:44
  that's a different conversation. And one you should talk to a clinician about.
• 28:52
  Thanks for being here, guys. Have a good day. Love you. Mean it.
• 29:00
  Oh God. That was way longer than I meant it to be.
• 29:08
  That was supposed to be like a five-minute one. Oh well, Sam.