Latest / Talking FACS / Is Your Discipline Working?

Transcript

Is Your Discipline Working? · Talking FACS

• 0:01
  Welcome to Talking FACS, what you need to know about family,
• 0:04
  food, finance, and fitness.
• 0:07
  This nationally recognized, award-winning podcast is hosted by the University
• 0:11
  of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
• 0:15
  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families,
• 0:20
  and communities to improve quality of life.
• 0:24
  Hello, and welcome to Talking FACS, what you need to know about family,
• 0:28
  food, finance, and fitness.
• 0:30
  I am your host, Mindy McCulley, Extension Specialist for Instructional Support
• 0:34
  with Family and Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky.
• 0:38
  We are housed in the Martin Gatton College of Agriculture, Food, and Environment.
• 0:43
  As parents, discipline and guidance are two key points that we always are wanting
• 0:50
  to ensure that we are hitting the mark with. So today, Dr.
• 0:57
  David Wiesenhorn, our Extension Specialist for Parenting and Child Development,
• 1:02
  is going to help us delve a little bit into our discipline techniques and how
• 1:07
  we can determine if our discipline is working.
• 1:10
  So welcome, David. Thank you, Mindy. It's good to be here.
• 1:14
  So discipline is a challenge that parents face all the time, I think.
• 1:20
  Can you give us just a little bit of an insight into why it's so important that
• 1:27
  we share discipline or share guidance with our children?
• 1:32
  Yeah, absolutely. You know, discipline is the technique that we use in order
• 1:38
  to guide and teach our kids.
• 1:40
  You know, so much of what I think parents think of discipline is oftentimes
• 1:44
  gets misconstrued with punishment, that I'm going to bring down the hammer and
• 1:52
  I'm going to make my child do what I want them to do.
• 1:55
  But the process truly of discipline is to guide, to guide, to disciple.
• 2:01
  To share and to guide into knowledge.
• 2:05
  And so when you think about that as the term, then understanding,
• 2:09
  hey, we need to reflect at times, is what I'm doing working?
• 2:14
  And I said, hey, as a parent of two young children, I find myself asking this
• 2:20
  question quite a bit. So maybe this was just a bit of personal reflection that
• 2:25
  made it to the podcast today.
• 2:27
  But I will honestly say that I do at times wonder, is what I'm teaching my child, is it working?
• 2:33
  Because, Mindy, I find my son or my daughter repeating those behaviors that
• 2:39
  I've tried, I've worked what I feel tirelessly to change. And I see repeating these behaviors.
• 2:46
  And so part of it is trying to understand, hey, am I doing what I think I'm doing?
• 2:51
  Right. And I can say from the other side, now that my children are grown,
• 2:57
  I am sometimes seeing the discipline or guidance behaviors that I shared with
• 3:03
  them being used on their child.
• 3:06
  So what goes around comes around, right? So make sure you're being effective
• 3:10
  because you don't want it used again in a second generation.
• 3:13
  Yeah, and so much of what I find is that my expectation, when I realize that
• 3:20
  my discipline or my approach to education.
• 3:24
  Trying to curb or change a behavior is oftentimes because my expectation is
• 3:31
  wrong with where they are developmentally.
• 3:33
  My expectation's off a little bit. And I'll give you a for instance.
• 3:36
  So I would commonly call my son down for his lack of impulse control,
• 3:41
  which is a very common for young children due to their underdeveloped brains.
• 3:47
  And you would find this, that this is is very common among young children, right?
• 3:53
  Because the inability to control themselves is common.
• 3:58
  And so I would oftentimes feel very frustrated because I would call him down on this regularly.
• 4:03
  But what I felt like I needed to do was to stop and figure out while I was telling
• 4:09
  him to stop a behavior, did I ever show him the right behavior?
• 4:14
  And I think that's the trap that a lot of parents fall into is that oftentimes
• 4:18
  we want them to stop the behavior, but we're not giving them a way to replace it.
• 4:23
  And so most of us find ourselves when we don't know, right?
• 4:26
  You talked about your children repeating the same disciplinary acts that you once did.
• 4:30
  That's where we fall back to. We fall back to what we know and children do the same.
• 4:35
  And what their knowledge is, it's a much shorter, smaller bin,
• 4:39
  if you will, than adults.
• 4:42
  And so here are a couple of questions. I like questions because I feel like
• 4:46
  we are the only ones that can answer them honestly.
• 4:49
  So it depends on how honest you want to be with yourself.
• 4:52
  But the first question I would say is, have I shown my child how to control himself?
• 4:57
  So in this situation, have I taught my son to control his impulses?
• 5:03
  And the best way to teach our children is to demonstrate it in our own actions, is to show them, right?
• 5:10
  Because again, we're discipling, we're leading, and we're leading by example as parents.
• 5:14
  So are you able to control yourself when you're mad yeah think through the things
• 5:18
  that you do to stop yourself.
• 5:21
  From lashing out. For instance, I stop and times I count and I literally will stop.
• 5:27
  And my son will ask me, dad, are you counting? And I'll say, yes, I'm counting.
• 5:31
  And part of that is that he knows now that he's on a finite amount of time before that blows his fuse.
• 5:37
  But he gets to see that, hey, when I'm not able, in order for me to help control
• 5:44
  myself, I have to take time and be thoughtful.
• 5:46
  And I have to oftentimes take time to take a time out or
• 5:49
  count and so he gets to see that yeah and
• 5:53
  lots of times those behaviors that we don't like are
• 5:56
  things that the reason we don't like them
• 5:59
  is because we don't like them in ourselves and so when we see it in our children
• 6:03
  we might fly off the handle exactly right so they're the things we like we don't
• 6:08
  like are what they're they're showing us us right or being reflected in them
• 6:12
  our bad behaviors are being reflected in our children and therefore we oftentimes feel frustrated.
• 6:17
  The second question is, have I given my child tools to make a better choice next time?
• 6:24
  So have I shown them how to control themselves, but then have I given them the tools to do that?
• 6:30
  And sometimes these tools can be, yeah, like what I said, okay,
• 6:33
  we're going to count to 10.
• 6:34
  We're going to excuse ourselves from the situation to allow...
• 6:39
  Ourselves or yourself to calm down. This is oftentimes a problem.
• 6:44
  It used to be a problem in my family. Why? Because I would be upset with my
• 6:49
  son and he would walk away from me.
• 6:52
  And as I was growing up, you stood there and you talked to him.
• 6:56
  But the reality was, I would get frustrated with him walking away,
• 7:00
  but he was doing what I had told him to do, which was, when you need a break, take a break.
• 7:06
  And so I'm telling you, I've shared this with the parents, only because it first
• 7:11
  presented itself in my life and learning from our mistakes is important.
• 7:15
  But oftentimes, I see parents who are frustrated with their child,
• 7:20
  if they will, don't walk away from me, you stay right here, right?
• 7:23
  And the reality is, is they're trying to use those resources or those tools to control themselves.
• 7:30
  So they don't lash out and make it worse. They want to go and take time.
• 7:34
  So allowing them to calm themselves and walk away, or that That you're using
• 7:39
  your words to express how you're feeling without being spiteful or inappropriate.
• 7:44
  So, for instance, my son oftentimes in public would like to interrupt me.
• 7:49
  Young children do this all the time. They lack awareness.
• 7:52
  Mom and dad or mom and friend are talking or dad and friend are talking.
• 7:56
  Child runs up and just starts asking the question at probably a volume that's too loud.
• 8:02
  And instead of interrupting that conversation, the parent would probably say,
• 8:08
  to the child, hey, not yet, right?
• 8:11
  And so instead of being ugly and upset with that, just saying,
• 8:14
  hey, when you talk to me next time you want to interrupt, I need you to say,
• 8:19
  hey, dad, I have something I want to tell you.
• 8:22
  That's a much more appropriate than just coming in and blurting it out.
• 8:26
  And children oftentimes, when we give them those pieces of information,
• 8:29
  they do hold on to those and they've been shown to repeat those more times than not.
• 8:35
  So helping that child, giving them the appropriate way to interrupt or to barge
• 8:41
  in instead of just reprimanding them and saying, hey, don't interrupt me.
• 8:45
  And time and time again in my life, when I thought I was speaking to deaf ears,
• 8:51
  if I just sat back and watched, then I realized that they were paying attention
• 8:56
  to the things that I was saying.
• 8:58
  And if I would give them the opportunity, they could rise to the occasion.
• 9:04
  It's so good. And I think probably why is because of this last piece,
• 9:10
  this last question that I would ask, and that's, have I built my relationship with my child?
• 9:16
  To a child, a parent seems like a know-it-all, right? They're always bossing me around.
• 9:23
  They're always spoiling my fun. They're not letting me drink pop or stay up late or whatever.
• 9:30
  It's important for your child to know that you love them. So showing love can
• 9:34
  often take time and consistency.
• 9:37
  And listen, it is, and this is the hard part. When we want respect, we have to show respect.
• 9:43
  And that's kind of what we were just talking about is giving them the tools.
• 9:47
  Like, am I respecting them enough to say, hey, listen, when you interrupt,
• 9:51
  you can do that, but you need to say it like this.
• 9:54
  So it's less interruptive, right?
• 9:57
  And it's more polite in the same sort of thing. Hey, by showing them that they're
• 10:02
  receiving love in that caring response to them instead of blowing up at them.
• 10:07
  And again, I've done it both ways.
• 10:11
  I find the more loving and kind way really leads to that relationship that I
• 10:16
  desire to have with my children that makes them want to listen to me.
• 10:20
  Or makes them want to come back for advice later on.
• 10:24
  David, I would add, share what your techniques are with those people,
• 10:28
  the other people who are important in your child's life, so that they are reinforcing
• 10:33
  the same behaviors that you are trying to build in your child.
• 10:38
  So true. Yeah, so true. It really does take a community. It does take a village.
• 10:43
  And it helps when that village is all speaking the same language. Exactly.
• 10:47
  So, if the child hears the same thing when they're at grandparents' home or
• 10:51
  at home, then it helps them to recognize that this is a pattern that we want to continue. So true.
• 10:59
  David, before we wrap up, any last words of wisdom do you have for our parents
• 11:04
  out there? You know, I would just say continue to be patient. Offer yourself grace.
• 11:08
  Know that nothing changes overnight.
• 11:11
  When we are looking for behavioral change, duration, intensity,
• 11:15
  and frequency are oftentimes the best measures. Not does it happen?
• 11:19
  Does it not happen? So look at how often it happens? How long does it happen?
• 11:24
  And to what degree does it happen? Oftentimes there are better ways of measuring
• 11:29
  success in our disciplinary efforts. Yeah.
• 11:32
  And something that you have said before, and I think bears reiterating here,
• 11:39
  is that when you mess up, own it and tell the kids, I did this wrong,
• 11:44
  so that they can recognize that it is okay to mess up and we'll all start again.
• 11:49
  So true. David, thanks for your time today. I know that this will be a podcast
• 11:54
  or a show that our listeners will come back to when they are feeling stressed about their parenting.
• 12:01
  If you are just tuning in, you are listening to Talking FACS,
• 12:04
  and we are available wherever you find your favorite podcasts.
• 12:09
  Thank you for listening to Talking FACS. We deliver programs focusing on nutrition,
• 12:14
  health, resource management, family development, and civic engagement.
• 12:18
  If you enjoyed today's podcast, have a question or a show topic idea,
• 12:23
  leave a like and a comment on Facebook at UKFCSEXT or send us an email at UKFCSEXT at uky.edu.
• 12:35
  Visit us online at fcs.uky.edu to learn more about the University of Kentucky
• 12:42
  Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program or contact your local Extension
• 12:47
  agent for Family and Consumer Sciences.
• 12:49
  We build strong families. We build Kentucky. It starts with us.
• 12:54
  Music.