Latest / Learned the Hard Way with Kier Gaines / EP 22: Who Told You You’re Behind?

Transcript

EP 22: Who Told You You’re Behind? · Learned the Hard Way with Kier Gaines

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Learn the Hard Way. My name is Keir Gaines.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: We talk about purpose. We talk about pressure. We talk
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: about what it actually takes to become a full, comprehensive man.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Learn the Hard Way podcast. I
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: am your host, Keir Gaines. I am a husband. I
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: am a father. I'm a licensed therapist. I'm an author
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: of a book called It All Starts When You Do.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Please go and pre-order that. It's an amazing book. It
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: will help you so much. I am a content creator.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: And I am a person who is really trying to
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: figure out all these different things that are happening in
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: my life. And not only am I trying to figure
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: them out, but I'm trying to figure out how to
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: make them work for me. Yes. Yes. Even me. Even me,
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: a therapist. Even me, the person with advice. Even me,
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: the person with sage wisdom. I am not better than you.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: I'm going through the same things that you are going through.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: And this podcast is a place for us to kind
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: of collectively share ideas and share thoughts. So that we
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: can figure out how to navigate this the best way
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: we can. For all we know, we only get one life.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: So let's live it to the fullest. Yeah, absolutely. So
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: on this episode, we're going to talk about why that
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: comparison feels so damn convincing, man. We're going to talk
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: about that. We're going to talk about how hard it
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: is to avoid because social media is always there. Even
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: when you don't, even when you're not watching it, you're
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: talking about it at a dinner table. And we're also
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: going to talk about how to stop letting somebody else's
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: timeline dictate yours. Yeah, let's do it. Let's get to
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: the episode. Come on, man. I know all of us
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: kind of rub our foreheads against at some point. Rub
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: our foreheads against is crazy. What I meant is bang
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: our heads up against the wall, whatever fits for you.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: And it's it's comparisons. comparison. We talk about it all
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: the time. But again, I think it's one of those
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: things that we talk about very widely, but we don't
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: discuss it very deeply. Comparison can be humiliating. It can
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: be embarrassing. It can be indicative of things that you
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: may be lacking developmentally or things that you long for
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: in your life that just haven't either occurred yet or
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: just won't be available to you. And that's hard to
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: cope with. It's hard to cope with the idea that
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: there's something that you want so bad. But for some reason,
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: it just it keeps evading your your grasp for whatever reason.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: So let's dive into that, man, because when I go
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: out and I do events and I'm talking to people
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: and I'm out there in the wild, it's. I notice
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: a cycle when it comes to comparison in the cycle
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: kind of goes like this. is you start noticing what's
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: different between you and the other person. That's the first
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: thing you start noticing what's different. You notice that they
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: may have nicer car. They may wear nicer clothes. They
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: may have a better command of words and language. They
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: may be a little bit more smooth with their delivery.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: They might be funny. You notice the difference between you
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: and them. But then once you notice that difference, it
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: moves into you taking inventory. So now not only do
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: you notice the difference, but you're kind of comparing apples
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: to apples sometimes. Sometimes you compare apples to onions because
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: their gifts don't mean that you are lacking in any way.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: But that's kind of how our brains perceive it. But
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: we start taking inventory. Oh, I'm not this. Oh, I've
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: never been able to do that. Oh, I've always wanted
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: to do that, but I couldn't quite make it happen
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: the way that I envisioned it in my mind. And
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: you start taking inventory. You start checking off things differently.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: Your deficits and your shortcomings that you see in yourself.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: And then that cycle moves on to you being reflective.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: So after you notice the difference and you took the inventory,
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: now you're thinking about it. And some of us can
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: think about a thing and reflect on it. And it
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: may just like, you know, flash in our brains for
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: a couple of minutes and then we go on about
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: our day. It may flash in our brains two or
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: three times within the course of a day. Then we
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: move on. It ain't no big deal. It is what
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: it is. But some of us, and many of us,
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: a lot of times, we kind of fixate on it.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: And it becomes from something that is just a flash
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: in a dark room to the light that illuminates the room.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: And you're always thinking about it. Or you're thinking about
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: it more often than not. Or you're thinking about it
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: when you don't want to. And then that cycle. And
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: then all the things that you notice that are different
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: and all the reflections and It just highlights these things
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: that you may be insecure about or places where you
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: may be underdeveloped. That cycle goes right back into you
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: noticing what's different just on a larger scale. Think about
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: it like a spiral staircase going upward. It's the same cycle,
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: but it keeps going up. So you're on a new
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: level every time you loop around in that same spot.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: That cycle doesn't just stop itself. That cycle needs to
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: be stopped. So we're going to talk about how to
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: stop that day. We also want to do a lot
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: of thinking. We're going to do a lot of evaluating,
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: but we ain't doing a lot of self-judgment. This is
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: not the episode for you to look at what you
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: may be doing wrong, where you may be lacking. This
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: is an episode for you to just notice the differences.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: And I'm going to remind you to do that about four, five,
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: six times because we need those reminders. All right, let
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: me say the same for you. It's 10 o'clock. You
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: just got to work. You're sitting back in your chair.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: You don't really feel like doing nothing yet. So what
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: you do, you pop on Instagram. You can just get
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: to scroll and get to scrolling, get to scrolling. You
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: start to see people's lives and people's pictures and, you know,
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: people's all their social capital all in one place. Easy
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: for you to see. And you start to notice things.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: Then you wonder why your career isn't further ahead or
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: why you're not married yet or why your kids don't
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: present the same way that this person's kids do or
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: your parenthood philosophy is different than theirs. They seem to
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: have it all figured out. You seem to be drowning
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: and they get in the bag and buying the homes
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: and they're figuring life out while it feels like you.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: You ever seen Scooby Doo when they first start running?
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: They go like their legs be moving, but they're not
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: going anywhere. We could feel that way in life. A
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: lot of us feel stuck, like we're moving, but we're
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: not progressing forward. And social media, the proliferation of social
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: media can really make that worse because now we don't
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: have to go hunting for those reminders. They come flooding
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: our eyeballs, whether we want to see it or not.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: And that's where the mantra comes in or just the
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: reoccurring thought. And stop me if you heard this before,
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: but you hear people say, man, I should have had
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: it all together by blank. Just insert an overly idealistic
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: deadline that's created with impracticality in mind. I should have
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: had it all figured out by 26. I should have
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: had it all figured out by 30, which is the
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: one I hear most. I should have had it figured
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: out by 30. And as a 40-year-old man, I'll tell you,
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: that is laughable. At 30, you just wiping the crust
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: out of your eyes and waking up to what's going
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: on around you. You ain't even fully up yet. But
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: you hear people say these things. I should have had,
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: I should have had, which to me is indicative of regret.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: Things you wish you might've done differently. Things you think
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: that were in your power and your capability to do differently.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: They might not have been, but you feel that way.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: The tough thing about comparison is that on top of
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: creating just this film of jealousy, gotta be honest about that.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: On top of creating this film of envy, Got to
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: be honest about that, too. It really stops you from
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: recognizing your own progress, where you've grown, where you've done
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: very well for yourself, where you are beginning to bloom
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: in your own special way. It blinds you to that.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: And it makes you compare yourself and it makes you
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: measure yourself up against what's idealistic and what does not
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: belong to you. Because typically when we're comparing, we're comparing
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: to the optics of something, not the reality of it.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: We're comparing to what it looks like, what you believe
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: being in that experience feels like. Because you don't know
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: the reality of it. And you don't have enough evidence
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: to know what's really going on outside of what that
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: person is presenting to you. And we all been on
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: the Internet for long enough to know that a lot
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: of people don't show you themselves. They show you the
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: presentation of themselves that they want you to buy. And
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: y'all are so convincing, man. It's dipped in honey and
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: wrapped in bacon. It looks so good. And it looks
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: like everything you're not and everything you ever wanted. And
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: it's such a reminder of what could be for you.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: But that thing that could be for you probably doesn't
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: really exist with that other person. Over time, that just
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: chips away at your motivation. It chips away at your confidence.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: And you may even say to yourself, man, this shouldn't
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: even affect me like that. Shouldn't isn't a thing when
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: it does. Should it? Probably not. But it does. So
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: we have to address the elephant in the room. We
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: have to address the thing that is bugging you the
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: most because with discomfort, sometimes comes pain. And with pain,
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: when you sit on pain for long enough, you don't
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: recognize it's there anymore and it just becomes a part
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: of your life. You don't have painful moments. You start
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: to live a painful life. And that's not what I
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: want for me. That ain't what I want for you.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: And I don't think that's something that we should have
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: to endure. Now, I think one of, The easiest ways
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: to lose handle. on your life, one of the easiest
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: ways to dissipate your own confidence, one of the easiest
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: ways to ignore all the greatness that you possess is
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: to spend too much time watching other people's timelines, watching
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: other people's lives unfold. And the thing is, they might
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: not even be doing anything wrong. They're not trying to
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: make us feel this way. They're just they live in
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: their lives. But our brains naturally keep tabs on those things.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: And the brain doesn't forget that. So what I call
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: that is building a case. Like when lawyers are building evidence,
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: it's like you're building a case against yourself. You're building
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: a case for why you're not. When you see someone's
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: life and you're comparing it to yours, you automatically start
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: building a case. Man, they have these things and I
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: don't have it yet. Man, I'm not getting it like
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: I should be. I talk to a lot of men
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: and they say, man, I'm BS and I'm not out
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: here getting it for real. And you realize that, yeah,
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: they're not excelling to their highest capabilities, but they're not
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: in that moment right now. They're in a moment of maintenance. Like, bro,
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: you're trying to maintain. Your goal isn't to swim to
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: the other side. Your goal right now is to not drown.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: That's a completely different objective. And when we're looking at
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: other people's processes, we don't really honor that. We won't
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: give that space to exist inside our own lives. And
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: I think that's unfortunate. And I think that sets us
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: back by a great deal. When that happens, we're not
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: just celebrating because you don't want to be hider. Nobody
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: wants to be hider. Nobody wants to be straight, hating,
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: mad at somebody else's success. I think a lot of
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: us don't want to feel that way. But can we
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: be honest? I think sometimes that feeling is inescapable. And
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: if that's true for you, it's true for you. Let's
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: figure out what to do with them complicated feelings instead
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: of pretending like they ain't there. I think in that
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: arena right there, that's where comparison can get dangerous because
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: it stops being so much about them, about the other person,
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: and it becomes a story about you. More importantly, it
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: becomes a story about what you're not. I call that
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: deficit framing. It's framing this whole thing in a deficit,
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: starting from below zero. Now you're wondering why everybody else
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: left you behind and you're wondering whether or not you
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: missed your window, you missed your opportunity to be great.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: And I think a lot of us just kind of
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: accept that comparison is normal. without actually stopping to ask
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: what it's doing to us, how it makes us feel deeply.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: And to be honest, we don't ask ourselves whether or
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: not it's helpful because a lot of times it's not. Now,
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: with all that said, I think let's get into some
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: misconceptions real quick because it's easy to talk about what
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: we feel, but it's a little bit more challenging to
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: talk about what we feel that may not necessarily be
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: true outside of our minds. One of the biggest misconceptions
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: is that comparison is often rooted in jealousy, which I
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: think that makes sense. I can see why somebody will
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: believe that's true. And sometimes it is. But a lot
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: of times it's not. A lot of times comparison is
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: more so rooted in self-evaluation. And there's a difference between jealousy,
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: which is wanting what someone else has and being upset
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: that it's not in your possession, and self-evaluation, taking total
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: inventory of and taking an internal look at self and
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: trying to evaluate or trying to, oh damn, I don't
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: know a better word for evaluate, but trying to really notice,
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: take stock of, and internalize what's there. I'll give you
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: an example. When someone gets married or they announce that
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: they're having a baby or they announce that they're having
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: a job, they just got a new job, they announce, hey,
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: I'm leaving my career of 20 years to pursue my
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: passion in entrepreneurship. Two things are happening at the same
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: time for a lot of us. One, the brain is
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: registering what happened to them. This thing that they just announced,
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: the brain is registering, oh, wow, that's a great thing.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: That's a huge accomplishment. And also, the brain is trying
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: to figure out, what does that say about me? What
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: does that say about where I am in life? What
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: does that say about what I'm doing wrong or could
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: be doing better? What does that say about what I'm
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: not seeing? Is there a blind spot somewhere? Am I
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: missing something? Did y'all get an email about how to
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: progress that I ain't open? What's going on here? What
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: does this mean about where I am in life? That's
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: the bigger question there. What does this mean about where
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: I am in life and what I did to get
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: here or what I didn't do? I said it before
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: and I'll say it again. Try to avoid feeling called
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: out by this conversation. This isn't a, ha ha ha, gotcha, yep,
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: told you you wasn't. This is not that. We're not
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: calling out. Instead of feeling called out or in addition
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: to feeling called out, just try to notice. Try to
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: notice where the things that I'm saying and the points
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: that I'm making are making sense in your life. Where
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: are they relevant? Where are they resonant? Where is that
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: popping up? Where does that feel familiar? You don't have
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: to judge it. You could just notice it. I think
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: that's a healthy thing to do. It's so conflicting because
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: that scrolling can leave you feeling discouraged at the same
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: time being genuinely happy for someone else. And later in
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: the episode, we're going to talk about holding two conflicting
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: truths at one time. But the best way I can
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: put that is, man, I'm happy for you, but I'm
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: sad for me. And listen, I don't think that makes
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: you a hater. I don't think that makes you a
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: jealous person. envious, unworthy person. I think that makes you human.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: It's not about having the thoughts. It's about what actions
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: you allow those thoughts to bring you to. It's about
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: how you react and respond to people who are having
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: a good news or celebrating something when it doesn't involve you.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: It's not the thought. It's what you do with the
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: thought that matters. You can't always control the thought, but
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: you can always control the action. So you got to
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: be careful with social media, man. Social media constricts reality.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: It constricts reality. It's not the entire truth. You get
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: to see milestones and you get to see accomplishments without
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: any of the context that came before them. Like you
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: don't know if this person is as happy as they
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: appear to be. Do y'all remember in 2000, I think
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: it was in 2021, there was this trend on TikTok
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: and the people be like, man, this was the worst
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: time of my life. And nobody knew or man, I
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: was I was really close to hitting. I hit rock
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: bottom and nobody around me was aware. And you would
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: think if somebody was saying that, like that was the
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: caption on the screen. Right. You would think if somebody
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: was saying that they're sitting in a bed crying or
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: staring out a window or looking mopey. Nah, man, a
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: dude be like, man, this is the worst time of
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: my life ever. And he had a party. He got
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: two bottles in his hand and a blunt in his
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: mouth standing on the couch with a Gucci belt on.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: Like he looked like he having it up. It's a
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: woman kikiing on a boat in a bathing suit with
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: all of her girlfriends somewhere that looks expensive. Maybe she's
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: in Phuket, Thailand or something like that. It's so counterintuitive,
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: but it's so true to life. That the worst moments
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: that these people have ever experienced from the outside in
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: don't look like the worst moments. They look like these
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: people are happy and joyful and winning at life. And
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: I think that's one of the things that broke the
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: seal to me. And it took the curtain down and
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: let me know. Well, it further solidified to me the
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: way that you feel inside and the way that you
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: look inside oftentimes don't have anything to do with one another.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: And if they do, the feeling that you have on
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: outside is an indicative of what's going on with you internally.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: If you're on video right now, look at me. What
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: am I doing right now? I got a straight face.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: It's cloudy outside. It's dreary. It's dark here in my office.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: I am in an incredible mood. And unless you know
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: me personally, I don't think you'll be able to tell.
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: This is just the presentation in the face. It doesn't
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: always let you know what's going on with the inner experience.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: Something to think about. Put it like this. If a
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: picture is worth a third. Damn. Thursday. I come from Memphis. That,
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: you know, put it like this. If a picture is
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: worth a thousand words, it can also tell a thousand lies.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: And look, unpopular perspective. But trust your instincts. That is
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: not always good advice. Your instincts can and will betray you.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: They're not always right. Real quick, before we continue the episode,
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: I want to take a moment and shout out the
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: people who really make this podcast possible. And that's you
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: the listener we are nothing without you and sometimes y'all
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: leave these comments that are really heartwarming and really bring
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: home the idea that we're doing something right on learn
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: the hard way i want to read one of them
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: off real quick this one is from john doe 899-854-38838
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: i'm not even joking And it says, thank you. Coming
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: from a black man who's been married for nine years.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: I love these. You gave me five stars. Thank you,
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: John Doe. Random assortment of numbers. This message says, I've
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: been married for nine years now. I have two kids
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: ages seven and three. That's really close to my kids age.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: John Doe says, it's really hard to find content that
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: is grounded, sensible, not rooted in quick, quick bait and division.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: I think he meant clickbait and rooted in research and culture.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: I've been following your content for a couple of years
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: via YouTube and IG. I'm grateful for this podcast. It
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: gets me to or gives me to and from work.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: And it helps me unpack some of the things that
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: show up in life as a black father, a black husband,
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: and so much more. And my professional and personal service.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: Keep them coming. Thanks, John, though. I appreciate that. And
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: if you get anything from this pod, go ahead and
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: leave us a message. If you feel so inclined, leave
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: us five stars on Apple Pods, Spotify or wherever you pod.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: Now back to the episode. Thank you. The thing that
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: brought that home to me is having millions of social
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: media followers because thousands and thousands, tens of thousands of
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: people comment on my videos every month. And it's crazy
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: to watch people try to interpret what's going on with
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: you when they don't really know you. So they'll make
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: more meaning out of something I said. I do a
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: lot of my content in the kitchen. People are like, oh,
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: he set it up in the kitchen because it's the
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: antithesis of what we think masculinity is supposed to be.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: So he's setting this message by washing dishes. He's supporting
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: his family and his household. Nah, I just hate washing dishes.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: And I also want to make content. And it helps
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: pass the time. That's there's no grand anything behind it.
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: Or people watch me annoying me like, oh, you see
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: how he's leaned toward her. It's he's showing that he's
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: protective of her feminine energy. Now I'm leaning that way
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: because my back hurt. And that's the only way I
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: could be comfortable. People instinctively have thoughts and ideas that
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: are wrong. And if you if you want to challenge,
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: if you really want to do something difficult, try to
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: convince somebody. who is absolutely wrong about something that they
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: thoroughly believe, try to convince them that they're wrong. Good luck.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: All right. That, that having to happen to me tens
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: of thousands of times over the course of the month,
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: and also just being a therapist and being in session
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: with people where they have instincts. And then you hear
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: them talk and it's like, ah, your instinct was wrong,
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: but you're married to the idea that your instincts are good.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: So you can't see it. It just lets it, it
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: further solidifies his point to me that instincts are unreliable.
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: And when they're wrong, they're wrong and your bias will
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: not allow you to cop to it. But when people
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: are seeing my social media account, they're not doing something
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: that's crazy different than what I do when I see
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: other people's social media accounts. Because I think it's easy
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: to think that something is or someone's situation is better
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: than it is when they don't post about uncertainty or
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: they don't post about debt or rejection or the losses
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: that they faced. They don't, they don't talk about therapy
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: sessions that didn't go the way they wanted it to,
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: you know, they don't talk about career setbacks or man
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: friendships that have ended. It's, it's not always like, it's
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: not always about people trying to project this image of
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: perfectness and Sometimes people don't want to talk about that
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: stuff with people that they don't know. You don't want
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: to put those parts of your life out into the void.
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: You know, it's kind of like when you have a
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: boyfriend or a girlfriend and you get into it with
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: them real bad and you start to tell your friends
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: and your family all the stuff that they did to
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: piss you off. And then you and that girlfriend or
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: boyfriend reconcile, but your family and friends don't forgive that person. Why?
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: Because that negative aspect of them sticks in their mind.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: The negative aspect of your boyfriend or girlfriend sticks in
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: your friend's mind long after you and your other person,
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: long after you and your person have come to resolution.
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: And sometimes when you put those things out in the world,
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: you're no longer in that negative space. You're not in
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: debt anymore. But now people still think that you're sad
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: all the time. People still think that you're financially irresponsible.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: So there is an associated tax for putting negativity online.
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: And I can understand why people don't do it. But
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: what happens is, It builds this idea of just like this,
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: like the person you admire that you see on this
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: page is encapsulated in perfection. And it's just, it's simply
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: not true. I guess I'll say all that to say
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: that you simply, you cannot win when you are comparing
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: your everyday life to snippets and clips and highlights of
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: somebody else's. That's a really good way to live in
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: what I call emotional debt and emotional debt. Man, you
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: think credit card debt compounds, emotional debt compounds 50 percent.
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: It's hard to get out of that hole, man. It's
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: hard to get back into the into the black with that.
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: So one of the best things to do is be
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: mindful when you're slipping there. You know, they say the
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: best way to get out of a hole is to
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: never fall into one. Right. So just to be more
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: mindful of what your mind is doing when you're seeing
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: other people live lives that you admire or envy or
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: jealous of or, you know, that you that you wish
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: were true for yourself, even if those other negative feelings
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: don't exist. Even me, I've earlier into my social media
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: journey and even now I'll compare the two how it
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: used to be, how it is now. Uh, there was
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: a comparison was a part of my internal process for sure, man,
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: for sure. Early on, there weren't many therapists online talking
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: about mental health or like doing talking head videos and
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: talking like five years ago. It just wasn't a thing,
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: but there were a few. And I would see like, uh,
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: she the homie now, but like, uh, natural Glover to
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: why or Matthias J or Matthias in these, man, they, um,
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: They're very brilliant clinicians and their approach is so much
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: different than mine. And I used to compare my delivery
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: style to theirs. And I used to be like, man,
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: I'm not doing this much. Nedra has this way of
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: talking where Nedra just takes these really complicated issues and
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: she simplifies them. And she makes it sound like, duh,
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: why didn't I think about that? That's a skill that
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: she has. And I used to be like, man, I
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: need to be more like Nedra. And then I started
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: realizing that and I moved through the space and I
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: started developing my own flavor for doing counseling, my own
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: flavor for delivering my voice to the people. And it
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: went from comparing my delivery style to theirs and feeling
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: like I need to do more. And now I'm matured
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: into this place where I compare my delivery style to
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: theirs and it makes me more confident in my secret sauce.
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying? My special sauce, the thing
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: that If 100 people do the same thing, they'll do
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: the same thing 100 different ways. And that's fine. When
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: I go to the bread aisle, it's everybody selling bread
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: in the bread aisle. Everybody's selling bread in the bread aisle.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: But there's still 15, 20, 25 brands of bread there. Why?
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: Because each bread does something different and it caters to
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: a specific audience. I don't have to be for everybody.
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: I just got to make sure that I maximize who
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: I am for the people who are looking for my
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: brand of content. You know what I'm saying? People who
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: are looking for my bread, they're looking for a certain
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: amount of chewiness. They're looking for the crisp a certain
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: way when you put it in the toaster. They're looking
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: for a thing that's different from the other things, but
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: still relatively the same. And that really helped me back
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: off comparative thinking that made me feel worse about myself.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: or that didn't inspire me to do something different. It
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: just sunk me into a hole of seeing what they
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: are and noticing what I'm not. I want to move
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: into this idea real quick. I want to move the
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: conversation forward into this idea of like feeling the pressure
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: to keep up. Always feeling the pressure to keep up
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: with other people who are moving and shaking. Because a
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: lot of times, even when it's not, you're not comparing
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: it to other people. You're comparing it to an imaginary
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: timeline that you've set. Not an imaginary, but you're comparing
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: it to an arbitrary timeline that you've set. Maybe when
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: you were a teenager or a young adult, you had
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: these ideas of what should happen by when, and you
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: submitted those beliefs in your mind. And a lot of us,
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: instead of saying, ah, you know what? That probably wasn't
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: very reasonable to think that I'd be married, four kids
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: in a house by 25 years old, Let me move
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: this down the road. Let me move this to somewhere reasonable. Like,
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: I don't know, 42. Instead of doing that, we say, nah, man,
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: I didn't do enough to have these things. what what
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: what are we what are we talking about you didn't
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: do enough to meet a arbitrary timeline Let's let's get
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: into that a little bit more because a lot of
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: us suffer from that. But I don't think we always
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: see the bigger picture of how of what a blessing
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: it is that things didn't work out in that timeline.
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: You hear the expectations all the time. By this age,
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: I'm supposed to I should have this much money or
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: by now I should own a home or I should
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: be married. You know, the whole thing. I think society
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: is moving on the marriage and kid thing a little
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: bit more now. But we still struggle with that. We
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: still struggle. Even men. Men come to me all the time, man.
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to get what you got. And I always ask,
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: what do you mean? And it's almost always a wife
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: and kids. I'm like, bro, you are 24 years old.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: Are you sure? Do you know what this come with, son?
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: You know how expensive this is? Both monetarily and emotionally.
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: But that's still a desire that people have. And they
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: built these expectations that they should have them in a
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: certain time. The problem is a lot of us never
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: stop and honestly ask ourselves where these expectations came from.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: We know that they developed. And in therapy, I always ask,
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: when do you remember first beginning to think that this
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: is something you should have? Or when do you remember
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: first desiring this thing? And a lot of people can't
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: remember the starting point. It just appeared one day like Batman.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: And you have these ideas and these thoughts, but Let's
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: take a moment to think about where they came from
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: because I had to retrace my joints back. It's like, huh,
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: when did I first started thinking that I should have
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: accomplished thing X by Y amount of time? And where
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: did it come from? And I narrowed it down. Mine
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: came from two places. My expectations for where I should
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: be in life came from media, magazines, newspapers, movies, cartoons.
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: tv shows it came from media and it also came
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: from lore and lore is like just stories man my
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: homie terry rest in peace used to always talk about
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: his brother his brother was about five years older than
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: us he always had the cars he had the girls
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: he had all these things at a very young age
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: and we hear these stories about people and we can't
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: verify if it's true or not but there's the lore
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: oh you know my cousin's niece's boyfriend's uncle Man, by
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: the time he was 30, he had 42 condos and
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: three businesses in his name. You're like, damn, for some reason,
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: that's not extraordinary. It becomes a baseline for what we
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: all should have or what we should all do. And
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: we don't even know these people. But do you know
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: what media and lore both have in common? They are
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: both designed for entertainment and not practicality. Life is about
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: being practical. It's about where things make sense. It's about
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: what you contributed to get to that sum. It's not
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: just about how you will appear or feeling like you
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: finally arrived. No, things don't just happen. Everything happens on
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: a continuum. There's actions that you take. There's decisions that
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: you make. There's choices that you either walk into or
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: step away from that lead to an overall sum. Your
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: life is a composition of things. And much like my
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: cousin's uncle's little sister's niece's brother, when we accept someone
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: else's timeline as the standard for our own lives and
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: our own existences, then it makes every detour on our
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: personal journey, it makes every detour feel like it's some
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: type of failure instead of that detour just being a
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: natural part of life. Oh, it didn't happen that way, man.
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: I failed. This isn't how it's supposed to work out
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: for me, man. Says who? Says who? Researchers have this term.
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: They call it upward social comparison. And it's when we
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: compare ourselves to people that we perceive as better off.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: And in that sentence, perceive is doing all the heavy lifting.
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that that person is living a better
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: life than you. It means you perceive them as living
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: a better or more desirable life than you. And this
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: really came to me. This really got brought home to
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: me in college because college for a lot of us
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: is the first time when we are forced to be
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: in close community with large groups of people that we
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: don't have a lot of common with. And you're in
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: community with them long term. You live there, you eat there,
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: you sleep there. So it's not like grade school where
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: you only see a person for X amount of time.
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: And then once you all leave each other's presence, they
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: can go and be a completely different person. It's hard
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: to hide from people that you're in constant contact with.
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: So you get to see the entirety of a person.
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: And I remember in college, I had friends who I
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: thought were doing really well, man, just in life, making moves,
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: making money. And I thought I had friends that weren't
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: doing well at all. I would hate to be in
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: your position, my boy. And then you hang around these
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: people more. And what's funny is the friends that I perceive,
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: a lot of them to be doing really well. Man,
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: you get close to them and realize, oh, your parents
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: are rich. You go to their house during spring break
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: and bro, like which room you want to sleep in?
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: We got 15. Oh, OK. That's I didn't know that
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: that was the case. I get it now. You know,
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: bro wear bummy clothes to school all the time. And,
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: you know, every time you ask him, hey, bro, you
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: trying to go to the Cavs? Nah, man, I ain't
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: got no money. Okay. And you realize he's just very
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: good at budgeting. Or he doesn't want to spend his
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: money on frivolous things. But the boy got some coins, man.
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: He got some money. And then inversely, there are friends
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: who I thought were– Doing really well. I thought that
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: they were killing it in the game. I thought that
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: they had some type of inside knowledge, some inside baseball
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: on what success looked like. And you get close and realize, nah,
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: bro got that cell phone bill because his mom still
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: pays it. You don't have that type of support. Bro
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: got that money because bro is scamming. Scamming crazy. You
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: don't want to take those risks in order to get
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: that type of material wealth. So that's what I mean
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: by people, you perceive them to have something. The evidence
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: that comes through your eyeballs is telling a story that
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: doesn't match with their lived experience. Am I making any
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: sense to anybody out there? I hope I am. It's
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: making sense to me. Oh, man. As a therapist, I
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: see it all the time. People are always struggling because
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: they're failing. You know, sometimes they're struggling because they've done
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: a masterful job at convincing themselves that they're behind. That
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: still happens to me in entrepreneurship. I always convince myself
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: that I'm behind somehow. And then I get a light
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: bulb moment. I'm like, I know I'm right where I'm
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: supposed to be. I'm good. But it doesn't stop the
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: feeling from occurring. And maybe it's entrepreneurship with me, but
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: maybe to you it's maturity or it's career growth or it's,
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: Romantic relationships or even interpersonal relationships, how many friend groups
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: you have, how much support of a community you have.
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: Just be mindful when you evaluate in those things where
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: your head is and what story you're attaching to who
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: you are compared to other people. Truth of the matter
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: is success looks a lot messier when you peek behind
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: a curtain. You ever heard the term how the sausage
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: is made? You ever heard that term before? like they're
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: sausage makers and sausage eaters and how the sausage is
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: made is just, um, it's, it provides imagery for what
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: it actually takes to make sausage. It is a bloody
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: brutal process, man. It is a lot of people who
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: enjoy that Jimmy Dean sausage in the mornings probably wouldn't
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: be able to stomach what happens to an animal as
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: their process to make sausage. And that's what that means.
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: It's seeing the end product and enjoying the end product
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: is one thing. But actually seeing how it came to
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: might be too much for you to stomach or handle
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: or deal with or live inside of. And I think
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: about that with my career a lot, man. You know,
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: I think on social media, if you see the pictures. man,
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: I'm living it. Don't get me wrong. I am. I
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: live an incredible life. You got to say that so
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: folks don't think you ungrateful. You got to preface it
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: with that. I live an incredible life. I do. I
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: get to travel. I get to meet people. I get
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: to work with great people and friends with really cool people.
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: It's dope. It's a dope life. I ain't even going
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: to hold you. But y'all, it's so much work. It's ridiculous.
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: And people don't always see. They'll see me featured on
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: a popular podcast, but they don't understand that I am
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: A CEO and I'm the product at the same time.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: I don't have a product that I can just put
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: out there. It's not I don't sell shampoo. You put
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: it on the shelf and then you go live your life. No,
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: Keir Gaines is the product. And the product always has
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: to be on. That could be a lot for some people.
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: you know. Barack Obama, man, he just like set me free.
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: He said, when you're trying to be great, there is
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: no balance. I was like, man, I'm glad he said
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: it because we talk about balance all the time. And
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: at a certain level of achievement, there is no balance.
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: There is no balance. So you could see what I
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: do on social media. Creators come to me all the time.
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to be like you. It's like, you want
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: to be like this? You sure? Because that means when
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: you're putting your baby to sleep, you also got a
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: laptop in your lap while you're working. It also means
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: when you had the family reunion, you got to step
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: off for 10 or 15 minutes to take a call.
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: It also means that you don't really have a day off.
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: So it's the image of what you see versus the
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: reality of it. And I'll tell you, man, if you
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: are comparing what looks to be easy and carefree and
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: just like someone like me living a fullest creative life,
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: just know, sacrifice a lot. And it's not always worth
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: it to me. And I constantly have to evaluate whether
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: or not I have the bandwidth to do this long term.
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: And I learned the hard way. I love this podcast.
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: This is fire. But even putting this shirt together, it's
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: a lot of work with a lot of people. I
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: say all of that to say it's not just lamenting
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: about the things that I get frustrated with. It's to
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: say that what you are comparing yourself to or what
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: you have this strong desire to ascend to may require
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: something out of you that you cannot see. And more importantly,
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: that you cannot withstand in this moment. And there is
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: nothing worse than a blessing falling in your lap and
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: you not really having the fuel to drive it across
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: the finish line. Oh, man. A part of me feels
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: like I'd rather never have the opportunity at all than
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: to get the opportunity and realize that I was never
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: in the space to handle it. And despite my best efforts,
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: it just was not and will not be enough. Don't compare. Well,
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to say don't compare. That's a silly phrase. Compare,
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: but compare intelligently. Compare in order to get a good
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: barometer of where you are. Compare to be inspired. Compare
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: to get understanding and perspective and wisdom. But don't try
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: to be mindful when you are allowing the gap between
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: where you are and where this other person is. Try
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: to be mindful when you're using the space in that
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: gap to make you feel worse about you. That is
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: not helpful. That is not growth inducing. That will not
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: give you tremendous value in the long run. As I
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: always say, something to think about. Hey, before we keep going,
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: real quick, I want to tell y'all something that I'm
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: really excited about. That's my first book, It All Starts
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: When You Do, and it's available for pre-order right now
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: because it's coming out in just a few weeks. It's
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: everything I've learned from therapy, from my own life, and
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: from the conversations I've been having with people for years.
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: Just search It All Starts When You Do by Caregains
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: and pre-order your copy today. Available wherever books are sold. Now,
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: we borrow stuff all the time. Might borrow a cup
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: of sugar from the neighbor. might borrow some money for
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: the bank to do a renovation on your house or
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: to buy a car we live in a barter and
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: borrow society ain't nothing wrong with borrowing but it's one
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: instance of borrowing that i can't get with and that's
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: when we're borrowing somebody else's definition of success borrowing somebody
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: else's definition of success is like trying to wear somebody
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: else's suit but any man who's ever worn a suit
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: knows that it is a very specific endeavor The arm length,
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: the cut, how it's tapered in the back, how you pay.
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: It is a thin line between having a suit that
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: fits you like a glove and having a suit that
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: would have fit you like a glove 25 pounds ago.
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: You understand what I'm saying? It's like somebody shoehorned you
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: into that joint. You can't fit yourself into someone else's
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: suit because it's tailored specifically to the measurements of their body.
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: You cannot borrow someone else's definition of success because it's
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: specifically tailored to their life their beliefs their work ethic
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: their experiences and none of that belongs to you so
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: even if you were to put that on it would
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: not fit properly that makes me think about the fresh
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: prince y'all remember the show fresh prince with will and
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: carlton those were two very brilliantly written characters because they
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: were the complete opposite of each other in a lot
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: of ways they lived opposite lives Will was from West
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: Philadelphia born and raised he spent a lot of his
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: days at the playground chilling on Max and he was
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: relaxing sort of cool he was just shooting some hoops
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: right outside of school and a couple of dudes I
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: mean they weren't about nothing positive and they started some
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: trouble in his neighborhood and he got into he started
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: scrapping with one of them and his mom said nah
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: You can't live here. You got to move with your
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: auntie and uncle in Bel-Air. And it changed his life.
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: But Carlton lived a different life. Carlton lived in Bel-Air.
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: He had a father who was a judge and a
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: mother who used to be a professional dancer. And he
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: had these two sisters who were full of character. He
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: lived in this nice house and everything seemed perfect with
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: Carlton's life. He had a black butler with a British accent.
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: That always tripped me out. But Carlton also had his
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: own struggles. Y'all remember that episode at a fraternity party
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: where Will got accepted into the fraternity, but Carlton didn't.
• 45:25
  Speaker 1: Why didn't Carlton get accepted into the fraternity? They felt
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: like he didn't struggle enough because he was black, but
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: he was born wealthy. And they felt like that wealth
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: took away from his blackness. He said they asked straight,
• 45:39
  Speaker 1: but that was still a prevailing thought. They were so
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: different as characters, but Even though Will looked at Carlton's
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: opportunities and Carlton looked at Will's confidence as something that
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: they kind of wanted from one another or wish they
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: had in their own lives that the other person had.
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: That is the perfect embodiment of comparison. I think it
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: drives that point home perfectly. It convinced comparison does a
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: really good job at convincing you that your gift doesn't count.
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: All because it doesn't look like somebody else's. One of
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: my favorite rappers is Lupe Fiasco. He says, don't let
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: him convince you that there's no treasure in your trash.
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: There's so much there's so much value in the things
• 46:26
  Speaker 1: that we throw away sometimes. You know, when you when
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: you live with a gift, when you live with the ability,
• 46:34
  Speaker 1: when you live with a talent. It's always there, so
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: it's so easy to overlook. It becomes your baseline, and
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: you don't always see how exceptional it is. Just because
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: it's easy for you, you don't always see how difficult
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: it is for other people. For me, I ain't going
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: to lie. I think sitting on the microphone and talking,
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: this is the easiest thing in the world. Talking in
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: front of 300,000 people is easy. It's very easy. The
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: bigger the crowd, the easier they are to win over.
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: That ain't true for everybody. If I go to my
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: wife right now, who is a brilliant lawyer, brilliant copywriter.
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: And I say, babe, I need you to go talk
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: from the 300,000 people. She won't say for what I
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: ain't doing it. That that's because that's not, that is
• 47:16
  Speaker 1: not her specific gift. And even though it's easy to me,
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: I undervalue how difficult it is for other people because
• 47:24
  Speaker 1: it is now my baseline and not my exceptionality. I
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: say all of that to say, stop using. Well, you know,
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: let's switch that because people always say, stop doing this,
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: stop doing that. I don't like when we do that.
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: Stop people pleasing. If they could, they would have. I'm
• 47:40
  Speaker 1: not going to say stop, okay, because that's the goal anyway.
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: I'm going to tell you to be mindful of when
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: you're using everybody else's wins as some type of evidence
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: that you yourself are losing. Those are two completely different
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: things that aren't necessarily correlated. They exist at the same time,
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: but they don't always have something to do with one another.
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: They're not causal. The more clarity you have about what
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: actually matters to you, I believe the less tempted you'll
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: be to measure your life up against somebody else's. I
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: remember a few weeks ago, somebody called in and they
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: were talking about how their girlfriend doesn't like their friends
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: and their friends have some issues. And they kind of
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: pulled between these two gravitational forces. And in that conversation,
• 48:31
  Speaker 1: he talked about what everybody wanted, but he never made
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: clear what it is that he wanted. He never made
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: clear what it is that mattered to him. And to me,
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: that's central to the conversation. That's the most important thing.
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: What matters to you? What matters to you in the
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: short term? What matters to you in the long term?
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: Whether you think it's stupid, whether you think it's immature,
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: whether you think it's silly, that does not matter. I
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: don't care. I'm asking you what matters to you. I
• 48:58
  Speaker 1: want you to get comfortable saying that out loud, identifying
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: that and standing on it. It can change with time,
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: but you have to be able to say what matters
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: to you. And you have to be able to ask
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: yourself these questions. Do I actually want what they have?
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: Do I actually want what they have? Am I chasing
• 49:17
  Speaker 1: something because it matters to me or am I chasing
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: this thing because it looks successful there's a difference between
• 49:24
  Speaker 1: what something's going to do for you and what how
• 49:26
  Speaker 1: you believe it's going to make you feel ask yourself
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: what does a good life look like to me i
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: don't need to be driving a Rolls Royce I don't
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: need to have on a $ 200, 000 watch. I don't need
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: to have a gigantic group of friends. I know the
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: world says that's what success is, but those things won't feel,
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: my life won't feel better if I have them. What
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: matters to me is being able to pay all my bills.
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: What matters to me is being able to spend time
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: with my family. What matters to me is being able
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: to have free time, going on vacation, not worrying about work.
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: Having people with me that I love building memories with.
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: That type of stuff matters. What matters to you? It's
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: important that you know that and you keep that as
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: a predominant thought in your mind as you move through life,
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: because it really it really helps dissipate a lot of
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: the confusion, especially when you're looking at other people's lives
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: as some type of North Star as to what you
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: should be doing. No, you can create your own North
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: Star and it can be more practical than explosive and extravagant.
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: That's OK. It's OK. As long as it matters to you,
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: that's where all the money is. And, you know, one
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: more question. And I talk about this and it all
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: starts when you do. I talk about this in the book.
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: Am I willing to do what it takes to keep
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: that thing? And this is this is what self-honesty comes
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: into it, man. This is what self-honesty is really important.
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: Am I willing to do what it takes? If the
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: answer is no, that doesn't mean that you're lazy. don't
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: mean that you trash or unambitious you're just not willing
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: to go that far for that thing and I think
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: that's an intelligent thing to internalize and understand about yourself
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: you know I used to think I wanted to be
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: a while ago I used to think I wanted to
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: be famous I used to think I wanted to be
• 51:13
  Speaker 1: really known I think that changed for me maybe about
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: 10 years ago I remember maybe about It brought it
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: home to me. Maybe about three or four years ago,
• 51:24
  Speaker 1: I was on a panel with this very, very, very
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: well-known reality star. And she and I, we've been waiting.
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: Whenever you do a panel, sometimes you'll be waiting all day.
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: So we're in a green room talking and we do
• 51:38
  Speaker 1: the panel. Afterwards, people rush the stage trying to get
• 51:42
  Speaker 1: her autograph, trying to take pictures with her, giving her validations. Yes, girl. Yes, honey,
• 51:48
  Speaker 1: you look so good and blah, blah, blah, blah. yo
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: that that didn't look like anything i ever wanted and
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: i asked her like this happens everywhere you go and
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: she looked at me with the saddest face and was
• 51:57
  Speaker 1: like yeah it's like oh i thought i wanted that
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: at one point in time and it gets even crazy
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: i was at everyday people in la me and my
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: me and my mad trail shout out the trail man
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: shout out shout out uh the trail created a black
• 52:11
  Speaker 1: excellence branch we went to everyday people in la i
• 52:14
  Speaker 1: caught up with some of my other homies and man
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: cardi b Was at the table right next to me.
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: Man when I tell you. Every camera. Phone in that
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: joint went up. And was in her face. Hundreds and
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: hundreds and hundreds of people. And she just dancing and partying.
• 52:34
  Speaker 1: But like the attention on her. Was ridiculous. Even me
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: saying it right now. Doesn't do justice to what it
• 52:40
  Speaker 1: looked like. To see thousands of phone lights. Just pointed
• 52:44
  Speaker 1: at her. As this woman is just living her life.
• 52:48
  Speaker 1: Can't do it. I would love to have Cardi B's money.
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: I would love it, man. I love so much to
• 52:58
  Speaker 1: have her income. I am not willing to do what
• 53:01
  Speaker 1: it takes to keep that. Cardi B can't go to
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: McDonald's and get some food for her kids and sit
• 53:06
  Speaker 1: in a McDonald's and eat. Cardi B can't catch the
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: subway from Brooklyn to Queens. She can't do it. She
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: can't just go to a basketball game and have a
• 53:15
  Speaker 1: good time and leave out the same door as everybody else. Nah. Mm-mm.
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: I would love to have the money, but not if
• 53:22
  Speaker 1: it costs me that. And I think that's a good
• 53:25
  Speaker 1: thing to kind of to really break up some of
• 53:29
  Speaker 1: the things you think you may want of other people.
• 53:32
  Speaker 1: That that realism, that ice cold water is a splash
• 53:36
  Speaker 1: in the face that really brings forth the reality of
• 53:39
  Speaker 1: what people do deal with outside of how amazing, how
• 53:42
  Speaker 1: sexy it looks to live in the existence, to have
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: the clothes and the flashing lights and the people being
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: interested in it comes at a cost. And that's too
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: expensive for me, dog. I'm out. What Randy Jackson used
• 53:54
  Speaker 1: to say on American Idol, that's going to be a
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: no for me, dog. I can't do it. And understanding
• 53:59
  Speaker 1: that makes me feel so much better about where I
• 54:03
  Speaker 1: am and so much more confident, so much more confident
• 54:07
  Speaker 1: that I am where I need to be. I'm on
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: my own personal journey, not anybody else's. I truly believe
• 54:13
  Speaker 1: that confidence isn't something that is built by winning someone
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: else's race. It's not built by winning or running someone
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: else's race. I think that confidence is about knowing which
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: race is actually yours. And understanding that sometimes you don't
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: have enough evidence to fully understand what anybody has. You
• 54:44
  Speaker 1: don't know what's going on with them. You only know
• 54:47
  Speaker 1: what you see. And we live in a curated world.
• 54:53
  Speaker 1: I always fall under the assumption that I don't know anybody.
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: Unless I know you know you, I don't know anybody.
• 55:01
  Speaker 1: I know the parts of you that you allow me
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: to have access to. And that's a completely different thing.
• 55:09
  Speaker 1: Now this week, I want you to pay really close
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: attention and catch yourself in a moment when you are
• 55:18
  Speaker 1: comparing your life to somebody else's. Don't judge it. Don't
• 55:24
  Speaker 1: make yourself feel bad. Just take a snapshot of it
• 55:28
  Speaker 1: in your mind of when you're comparing your life to
• 55:30
  Speaker 1: someone else's. And instead of asking, man, why am I
• 55:35
  Speaker 1: so far behind? Why am I so far behind compared
• 55:40
  Speaker 1: to this person? Instead of asking yourself that, I want
• 55:43
  Speaker 1: you to ask yourself, who told me that I was
• 55:48
  Speaker 1: supposed to be at this place by now? Who told
• 55:52
  Speaker 1: me that I was supposed to be where they are?
• 55:55
  Speaker 1: Where did I get that message from? And when did
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: I first start thinking that? It's like a leak. When
• 56:01
  Speaker 1: you got a leak in your house, we call it
• 56:02
  Speaker 1: chasing the leak. Yeah, your ceiling might be damp and
• 56:05
  Speaker 1: your paint falling off, but the leak don't start in
• 56:07
  Speaker 1: your ceiling. The leak probably start in the wall upstairs.
• 56:10
  Speaker 1: You got to chase that leak. Figure out where it's
• 56:12
  Speaker 1: coming from. And once you figure out the source of
• 56:14
  Speaker 1: the leak, can stop the water flow or at the
• 56:17
  Speaker 1: very least, you could slow it down so it doesn't
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: do as much damage. Do you understand what I'm saying?
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: Chase that comparison back. Find out where it comes from.
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: If you can find out where it comes from and
• 56:28
  Speaker 1: then you can identify the story that it tells you
• 56:30
  Speaker 1: about yourself that may not be true, that's when you
• 56:34
  Speaker 1: are on a journey to some amazing, some noticeable, and
• 56:38
  Speaker 1: some transformative self-healing for sure. Now, if this episode sparked
• 56:43
  Speaker 1: something in you, an aha moment, a thought, an idea,
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: a self-discovery, something that you didn't notice as much before
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: you heard this conversation, I want to hear about it.
• 56:54
  Speaker 1: I want to hear about what you're thinking, where you are,
• 56:57
  Speaker 1: and how you're processing this whole thing for yourself. I
• 57:00
  Speaker 1: want you to go to LearnTheHardWayPod.com, and I want you
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: to leave me a message. You can leave me a
• 57:05
  Speaker 1: voice message. We've been doing a few mailbag episodes. I
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: know we got a few that should be coming out
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: in the next coming weeks. And that's those episodes where
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: you call you. I listen to all the messages that
• 57:14
  Speaker 1: y'all have left me. And then we talk about them.
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: We flush them out right here, live on air, but
• 57:21
  Speaker 1: it only works if y'all keep sending me messages. So
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: go ahead and learn the hard way pod.com. I always
• 57:26
  Speaker 1: tell y'all that we are building this community brick by brick,
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: brick by brick. You are the one of the most
• 57:34
  Speaker 1: important bricks in this community. So go ahead and leave
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: me a message. We'll read them things out loud and
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: then we'll come to some type of solution together. But
• 57:42
  Speaker 1: that's going to be it for me for today's episode.
• 57:46
  Speaker 1: And I don't know what you took away from it,
• 57:49
  Speaker 1: but if you could just walk away with the understanding
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: that you don't always have enough evidence to produce a
• 57:57
  Speaker 1: real conclusion. If you can walk away understanding that your
• 58:02
  Speaker 1: instincts aren't always the best thing to lean into in
• 58:07
  Speaker 1: every situation. I think that you're doing something positive for yourself.
• 58:11
  Speaker 1: You can see where someone is and have no idea
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: what it costs them to get there. You can see
• 58:18
  Speaker 1: where someone is and realize that you do not have
• 58:22
  Speaker 1: what it takes to maintain that. And that's okay. It's
• 58:25
  Speaker 1: not because you're less than. I mean, that just means
• 58:27
  Speaker 1: you're different from. You don't do yourself any justice when
• 58:35
  Speaker 1: you rush your story Because of the appearance of someone else's.
• 58:41
  Speaker 1: Your story will unfold in its own time. I'm not
• 58:44
  Speaker 1: saying sit on your hands. I'm not saying do nothing.
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying be passive. I'm saying be very active.
• 58:50
  Speaker 1: Be very hands on. But be intentional. Make yourself the
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: center of your story, your experiences, your starting points, your strengths,
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: your shortcomings. You're an amalgamation of all those things put together.
• 59:07
  Speaker 1: The outside world will always exist. It'll always keep running.
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: But you have no control over the outside world. You
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: can influence the space around you, but you can't always
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: control it. But you can control what's going on inside
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: of you. Keep doing the work. Keep your head down
• 59:27
  Speaker 1: when it makes sense. And keep leaning into your own timing.
• 59:33
  Speaker 1: This is your story to tell. Other people's story to watch.
• 59:37
  Speaker 1: Take care of yourself. Take care of the spaces around you.
• 59:41
  Speaker 1: And take care of the people who exist in those spaces.
• 59:43
  Speaker 1: And make sure that they take care of you too.
• 59:45
  Speaker 1: Because it's very important. Until next time. Y'all be good.
• 59:49
  Speaker 1: Y'all well done. Learn the Hard Way is a production
• 59:53
  Speaker 1: of iHeart Podcast. I'm your host, Keir Gaines. We're produced
• 59:56
  Speaker 1: by Courtney Deans and Kacen Alexander. Ashley J. Hobbs is
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 1: our senior producer. Our executive producers are Will Packer, Dr.
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 1: Joy Harden Bradford, Alex Baldwin, and Carla Wilmaris.