Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #471 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#471 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, our children are on to here for such a
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  Speaker 2: short time, and I can spend my time collecting rocks,
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  Speaker 2: or I can find little flex of time and gold
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  Speaker 2: in our relationship.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 3: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson, the founder of Happy
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  Speaker 3: Families dot com dot AU.
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  Speaker 4: I don't know about you, but I cannot believe.
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  Speaker 3: How fast term one is disappearing. We're at the end
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  Speaker 3: of another week and we've only got one more week
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  Speaker 3: in Queensland at least until school holidays arrive two weeks
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  Speaker 3: for a whole lot of other states. The days are
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  Speaker 3: flying by. Hopefully you've got some exciting school holiday plans,
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  Speaker 3: Kylie and I. Well, we might actually be homelest Kylie.
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  Speaker 3: We still haven't found a place to live.
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  Speaker 4: It's getting kinde of tense, isn't it.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not a laughing matter, honey.
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  Speaker 3: I'm actually I don't know what else to do except laugh.
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  Speaker 3: So basically, if you've missed it somehow, because you're securely accommodated,
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  Speaker 3: we're selling our house and moving to the coast, rentals
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  Speaker 3: are at minus zero point three percent, like you just
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  Speaker 3: can't get a rental anywhere, And we've been looking for
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  Speaker 3: a house, but we just don't seem to be able
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  Speaker 3: to find one, and we kind of got to sell
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  Speaker 3: us first, which adds a level of complication to the
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  Speaker 3: whole scenario. And our airbnb timing runs out on the
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  Speaker 3: first day of the school holidays because well, obviously they
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  Speaker 3: had bookings and we didn't expect that we'd be in
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  Speaker 3: an airbnb for this long. So we're having some new
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  Speaker 3: experiences and finding life increasing in complexity.
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  Speaker 4: Did you say adventures? That's exactly right, speaking of adventures.
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  Speaker 3: Today, for every Friday podcast episode, we have this conversation
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  Speaker 3: called I'll Do Better Tomorrow. It's about re evaluating our parenting,
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  Speaker 3: having a look at what we've been doing over the
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  Speaker 3: last week.
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  Speaker 4: What have we done right, what have we done wrong?
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  Speaker 4: How can we do it better?
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  Speaker 3: What should we do tomorrow to make our family thrive,
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  Speaker 3: flurry and functions. So well, now, Kylie, I'm going to
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  Speaker 3: get you to go first because i want to ask
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  Speaker 3: you a question and I'm hoping that you can help
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  Speaker 3: me out here, as I've observed you over the last
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  Speaker 3: week or so, and obviously I'm in a different location
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  Speaker 3: to you. I'm still at our house keeping it in
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  Speaker 3: order for the open houses and to make sure that
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  Speaker 3: everything's right for that, while you're on the coast with
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  Speaker 3: the kids. What you've done this week seems different to
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  Speaker 3: what you normally do with the kids. I've had more
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  Speaker 3: conversations with them and heard more joy and delight in
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  Speaker 3: their voices, and when we facetimed, I've seen more smiles
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  Speaker 3: on their faces and in their eyes than I've seen
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  Speaker 3: for a long time. Even though there's the uncertainty and
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  Speaker 3: the lack of closure around what we're doing, our kids
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  Speaker 3: seem this last week to be different in all the
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  Speaker 3: good ways.
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  Speaker 4: And I'm just wondering why that is.
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  Speaker 3: And whether that might form a part of your I'd
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  Speaker 3: do better tomorrow, and how that can inform and help
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  Speaker 3: any parent who's going, yeah, I need that because we're
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  Speaker 3: not there right now.
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  Speaker 2: It's funny you should ask, because it was actually your
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  Speaker 2: I'll do better tomorrow last week that really struck a
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  Speaker 2: chord with me. You shared some feelings that you were
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  Speaker 2: having around our nineteen year old daughter, who is kind
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  Speaker 2: of struggling with all of the things that a nineteen
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  Speaker 2: year old would usually struggle with as she tries to
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  Speaker 2: work out who she is and where she wants to
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  Speaker 2: be in the world and what her contribution to the
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  Speaker 2: world will be, and just that I guess lack of
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  Speaker 2: connection that's there right now. And for me, it actually
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  Speaker 2: reminded me of an analogy that you share about the
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  Speaker 2: swimming pool and how our children play in the swimming
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  Speaker 2: pool and we actually create the boundary around the swimming pool.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, I know the one.
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  Speaker 3: I got that from doctor Lisa Demore in her book.
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  Speaker 3: I think it was under pressure now I can't remember.
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  Speaker 3: It might have been untangled. I get them confused. And
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  Speaker 3: she basically says, as parents wear the pool edge, but
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  Speaker 3: our kids are out there in the water, they're swimming around,
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  Speaker 3: and every now and aga when they're having a hard time,
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  Speaker 3: they come back and rest on the pool edge. But
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  Speaker 3: then they push off again, and it hurts us when
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  Speaker 3: they do that, because but the pool wouldn't exist without
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  Speaker 3: the edge.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right. But when our children actually become adults,
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  Speaker 2: it's almost like they jump out of the pool and
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  Speaker 2: they jump into the ocean, and we can no longer
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  Speaker 2: kind of put those same parameters around them, and every
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  Speaker 2: now and again I kind of forget that she still
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  Speaker 2: needs us, and I kind of just let her float,
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  Speaker 2: you know, out there without checking in. And so even
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  Speaker 2: though she's not here with me, I've actually been really
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  Speaker 2: intentional this week in checking in on all of the
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  Speaker 2: kids and just having those quiet moments with them. So,
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  Speaker 2: since we've been here at the beach, we have been
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  Speaker 2: going for swims, but the weather hasn't been really nice,
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  Speaker 2: and so we've actually stopped going to the beach for
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  Speaker 2: the last couple of weeks, and so over the last
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  Speaker 2: few days of this week, I've actually taken them one
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  Speaker 2: by one and just gone for a walk and we've
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  Speaker 2: walked for up to an hour as we've just chatted
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  Speaker 2: about anything and everything in their life right now, and
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  Speaker 2: obviously everything's changed for them. And what I've found in
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  Speaker 2: doing that is not only have they really loved the
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  Speaker 2: one on one time, but it's actually turned my heart
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  Speaker 2: towards them. Because of what's going on in our lives,
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  Speaker 2: it's really easy to just kind of get caught up
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  Speaker 2: in just the comings and goings and the routine and
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  Speaker 2: the structure and all of the worry and concern about
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  Speaker 2: whether our house will sell, and what needs to be
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  Speaker 2: done to make sure that's a smooth process, and looking
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  Speaker 2: for a house, and so I'm looking at open houses,
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  Speaker 2: you know, every other day and just kind of caught
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  Speaker 2: up in my own little headspace. But this week I've
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  Speaker 2: really really tried to slow that process down and to
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  Speaker 2: remember that I've got four little people in my world
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  Speaker 2: right now who trying to make sense of everything that's
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  Speaker 2: changing for them as well. And since I've done that,
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  Speaker 2: You're right, I've felt it. The kids are more settled,
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  Speaker 2: and I feel more connected as a parent and more
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  Speaker 2: desirous to do everything I can to keep this amazing, beautiful,
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  Speaker 2: calm feeling in our home Touchwood. We've had it for
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  Speaker 2: three or four days now, when I don't want it
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  Speaker 2: to end.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, what a great insight as well to take my
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  Speaker 3: message slow things down, be in the moment with your kids,
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  Speaker 3: and treasure them for who.
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  Speaker 4: They are and what they're about.
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  Speaker 3: I'm so glad that you shared that right after break
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  Speaker 3: My older better tomorrow a bit of a tough one
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  Speaker 3: because I'm not really spending in time with the kids
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  Speaker 3: at all based on our current circumstances. I want to
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  Speaker 3: share with you what's working for me as I try
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  Speaker 3: to juggle that challenge.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
• 6:39
  Speaker 5: US Screens Creating Tension at Home Betweens, teens and Screens
• 6:43
  Speaker 5: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.
• 6:48
  Speaker 5: Bye today at happy families dot com dot au slash shop.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers. Now, I'm wondering, justin
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  Speaker 2: what are your insights from this week.
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  Speaker 4: So I'll do better tomorrow?
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  Speaker 3: Is about what we've done right or what we've done
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  Speaker 3: wrong with the kids and how it can be better
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  Speaker 3: next time. I've really loved the phone calls, the FaceTime calls,
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  Speaker 3: the opportunity to connect with the kids that we kind
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  Speaker 3: of we've been so caught up in so much stuff
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  Speaker 3: that we haven't been great on that. Over the last
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  Speaker 3: few months, we've done it somewhat consistently, but not all
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  Speaker 3: the time, whereas this past week it's been a lot
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  Speaker 3: more and it's also had a great energy about it.
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  Speaker 4: I've loved that, But as.
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  Speaker 3: I've reflected on how much I miss being with the family,
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  Speaker 3: how hard it is. I mean, you and I have
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  Speaker 3: daily conversations about how difficult this is and how much
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  Speaker 3: we wish that we were not in the current situation
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  Speaker 3: wherein even though we've created it for ourselves. And I
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  Speaker 3: was thinking about that podcast conversation that we've just had,
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  Speaker 3: I think it was on Tuesday, about how being a
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  Speaker 3: parent doesn't make you happy, and even though the research
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  Speaker 3: says that, I've got to be honest, I love being
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  Speaker 3: a parent. And it reminded me of a story that
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  Speaker 3: I wrote about in my very first book, What Your
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  Speaker 3: Child Needs from You, And I thought, for my I'll
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  Speaker 3: do better tomorrow, since I'm not really spending a whole
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  Speaker 3: lot of time with you and the kids, that sharing
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  Speaker 3: this story might be useful for any parent who's going
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  Speaker 3: through any of the kinds of things that we're talking about.
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  Speaker 4: So I'm going to read this. See is that Okay?
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  Speaker 2: I was just thinking, you've really rummaged through the archives
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  Speaker 2: to find this one.
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  Speaker 3: This is one of my favorite stories of all time,
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  Speaker 3: and it's about goldflex It says in the mid eighteen
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  Speaker 3: hundreds there were significant gold rushes around the world. A
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  Speaker 3: well known story tells of a young man who, like
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  Speaker 3: thousands of others, was certain that if he went to
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  Speaker 3: the gold fields, he would find gold nuggets too big
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  Speaker 3: to carry and be set for life. The young man
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  Speaker 3: sold everything he had in order to make the journey,
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  Speaker 3: and when he arrived at the goldfields, he set to work.
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  Speaker 3: He dipped his pan into the river, washed the water
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  Speaker 3: over the sediments, and over time became more and more disappointed.
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  Speaker 3: He was persistent, but at no point did he find
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  Speaker 3: a gold nugget, not even the smallest pebble. As the
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  Speaker 3: days were on, he accumulated a massive pile of rocks
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  Speaker 3: beside him. He would dip his pan, wash the sand
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  Speaker 3: and pebbles with water, remove the rocks, place them beside
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  Speaker 3: where he sat, and dip his pan back into the
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  Speaker 3: river again. He was sure that if he persisted, he
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  Speaker 3: would find the one nugget he needed to make the
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  Speaker 3: venture worthwhile. Things eventually became desperate for the young man.
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  Speaker 3: He was out of money and still had no gold nuggets.
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  Speaker 3: He was approached by an old or wealthy prospector, who
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  Speaker 3: commented on the size of the pile of rocks the
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  Speaker 3: young man had accumulated. Dejectedly, the young man confirmed his
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  Speaker 3: fears to the prospector. I've been here for months looking
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  Speaker 3: for gold. But there isn't any I'm going home. The
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  Speaker 3: old prospector disagreed. I'd be so sure. You just have
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  Speaker 3: to know where to find it. He then took two
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  Speaker 3: rocks from the young man's pile and smashed them together.
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  Speaker 3: One rock split and gold flex reflected the sunlight sparkling
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  Speaker 3: in the older man's hand. But the inexperienced young man
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  Speaker 3: had higher expectations. He wanted perfection. He wanted nuggets, not
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  Speaker 3: tiny flecks. He said that he wanted nuggets like the
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  Speaker 3: ones hanging from the pouch on the old man's belt.
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  Speaker 3: The old man lifted his bulging pouch from his belt
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  Speaker 3: and held it out to the young man, who took it,
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  Speaker 3: opened it up and peered inside, and he was shocked
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  Speaker 3: by what he saw. There was not one single nugget. Instead,
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  Speaker 3: the pouch was full of thousands of those tiny gold flecks.
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  Speaker 3: The wise old prospector told the young man that he
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  Speaker 3: was looking for the wrong thing, explaining, you're chasing gold
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  Speaker 3: nuggets so hard that you're missing out on all the
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  Speaker 3: enormous wealth that these precious gold flecks can bring you.
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  Speaker 3: It's the slow, methodical, daily grind of accumulating these little
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  Speaker 3: gold flecks that has brought me the wealth I enjoyed today,
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  Speaker 3: and so, Kylie, I love that story in relation to
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  Speaker 3: the conversation that we've just had with your experience this week,
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  Speaker 3: and also the conversation we had on Tuesday about kids
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  Speaker 3: and happiness, because as parents, we often look for happiness
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  Speaker 3: and family life in the same way that that young
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  Speaker 3: merchant was looking for gold nuggets. We expect that family
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  Speaker 3: life's going to be full of these big, joyful moments
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  Speaker 3: of happiness rolling down the river so that we can
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  Speaker 3: just scoop them out of the water.
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  Speaker 4: We want those.
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  Speaker 3: Nuggets that make our life rich. We want to feel good,
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  Speaker 3: we want the magazine family Life Life.
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  Speaker 2: But yeah, as you were sharing it this time, just
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  Speaker 2: kind of the monotonous day to day grind that he
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  Speaker 2: went through as he skimmed the water, and you know,
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  Speaker 2: siebed for looking for gold and just collected these rocks,
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  Speaker 2: and it just it created such a mental picture of
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  Speaker 2: me of what family life can be like. And like
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  Speaker 2: I shared in my story at the beginning, I've kind
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  Speaker 2: of feel like I was just in that daily grind
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  Speaker 2: of collecting a whole heap of rocks through that gone
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  Speaker 2: through the motions, and it's amazing. What a difference the
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  Speaker 2: week has looked like this week as a result of
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  Speaker 2: kind of looking outside the box a little bit, changing
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  Speaker 2: things up, you know, having that prospect to come along
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  Speaker 2: and cracking the rock open was kind of like listening
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  Speaker 2: to you share your story last week, and it just
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  Speaker 2: made me realize that our children are only here for
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  Speaker 2: such a short time, and I can spend my time
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  Speaker 2: collecting rocks, or I can find little flex of time
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  Speaker 2: and gold in our relationship that will nurture and strengthen
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  Speaker 2: and sustain each of us in our daily lives.
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  Speaker 3: Thank you so much for saying that. I love the
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  Speaker 3: way you said that it's beautiful. I think that family
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  Speaker 3: life is dirty and rocky and messy and mundane and
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  Speaker 3: banal and wet, and sometimes we just feel like we're
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  Speaker 3: accumulating that pile of rocks. But if we look closely,
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  Speaker 3: we will find thousands upon thousands of flex of gold
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  Speaker 3: in every day and in every moment.
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  Speaker 4: So that's my I'll do better tomorrow for today.
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  Speaker 2: What's coming up on the podcast next week?
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  Speaker 3: Well, next week we're going to talk about what to
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  Speaker 3: do with toddler tantrums. I've recently had an ABC interview
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  Speaker 3: with an announcer from ABC Newcastle who is a grandpa
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  Speaker 3: and the grandkids is just driving in bonkers and the
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  Speaker 3: old school way of dealing with dealing with little kids
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  Speaker 3: isn't working so well for him, and his kids are
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  Speaker 3: getting a bit cranky about his way of interfering. They think, yeah,
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: hang on, you don't know how to parent, stay out
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  Speaker 3: of it, even though he's raised kids himself. So we're
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  Speaker 3: going to talk about dealing with toddler tandrum's and reflect
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  Speaker 3: on that conversation. Plus, a new study has come out
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  Speaker 3: that shows that kids who talk back grow up to
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  Speaker 3: be better adults.
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  Speaker 2: I'm very interested in this conversation.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, we'll dive into that next week. Thanks so much
• 13:21
  Speaker 3: for joining us this week on the Happy Families Podcast.
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  Speaker 3: We hope that it makes your family happier. We appreciate
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: so much the work of our producer and executive producer
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: Justin Rulan and Craig Bruce. And if you'd like morefol
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: about making your family happier, or if you'd like to
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: join us for the Bringing Up Boys Summit for every
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: parent of boys aged eight through to eighteen, we would
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: love to have you join us. You can get all
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: the info you need that happy families dot com, dot
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: au