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Stephen Colbert_s Funniest Moments _ The Daily Show · Mic Drop Comedy

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: I, for one, connected with what they were saying. Then again,
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: I myself am from humble origins. My father was a
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: poor Virginia turd miner.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry? He mined turds, John.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: The rich turd veins that run up and down the Appalachians.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: It was a hard life up at the crack of dawn.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: Dad goes straight down into the hole. 12, 14-hour days
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: just to put food on the table.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: But that was life in the turd belt.
• 0:51
  Speaker 3: Uh.
• 0:52
  Speaker 4: Well, I.
• 0:53
  Speaker 5: Clearly, I guess they wanted something better for you.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: And that's... No, John, actually they didn't. They wanted me
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: to mind turds. For them, it was a great job.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: You see, my father's father was a goat ball licker.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: How is that a job?
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: You have to understand, John, in the old country, the
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: most important thing was to keep the goats happy.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: Now....
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: As it turns out, as it turns out, the easiest
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: way to do that.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: Was to work the balls.
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: You know, I, um.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: I had, uh.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: I had never realized that about your family.
• 1:55
  Speaker 4: I didn't realize.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: It's true, John.
• 1:58
  Speaker 4: It's all true.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: That's why I believe in the promise of America that I,
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: the son of a turd miner, the grandson of a
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: goat ball licker, could one day leave those worthless hicks
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: behind while still using their story to enhance my own credibility.
• 2:17
  Speaker 7: John?
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: Is the death tax good for America? Yes. No.
• 2:27
  Speaker 6: Yesterday, I was beside myself with joy over last week's
• 2:32
  Speaker 6: vote by the Senate to retain the death tax.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: It's a big revenue.
• 2:35
  Speaker 6: Generator that affects only the nation's wealthiest 1%. It sends
• 2:40
  Speaker 6: a powerful social message that even the children of the
• 2:43
  Speaker 6: very rich must make their own way in the world.
• 2:45
  Speaker 6: But more than that, in the same way that taxes
• 2:48
  Speaker 6: on smoking discourage smoking and taxes on drinking discourage drinking,
• 2:52
  Speaker 6: hopefully this death tax will keep people from dying.
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: It is a filthy habit and it has to stop.
• 2:59
  Speaker 6: But I suppose you and your fat cat friends in
• 3:01
  Speaker 6: Washington won't be happy till everybody's dead.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Steve, the death tax is inherently unfair. It taxes the
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: same money twice. Once when you earn it and once
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: more after you die. It goes against everything Americans hold dear.
• 3:16
  Speaker 5: Money.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: The point is, it's not the dead who are going
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: to suffer, unless, of course, they've been sinful. Then they'll
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: burn forever in a lake of fire. It is the living, rather,
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: the children of the insanely wealthy who will suffer by
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: being rendered merely sanely wealthy. But tax away, comrade Karelovich.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: A grateful motherland salutes you.
• 3:38
  Speaker 6: Wow, you are taking this so personally, Stephen. You'd think
• 3:43
  Speaker 6: this was a tax on pompous windbags who make me sick,
• 3:45
  Speaker 6: you fat ass.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: Steve, let me give you a hypothetical example of someone
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: who would be directly hurt by your regressive tax. Now,
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: this person is not rich, but this person married someone
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: because her father is, hypothetically. Now, this rich old bastard,
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: whose daughter, by the way, has a face like a
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: Hieronymus Bosch nightmare, was barely functioning when this person married her.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: I'm talking catheters, iron lung, beep!
• 4:11
  Speaker 4: Beep, beep.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: But against all rational expectations, he's hung on for seven years.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: It's like he's staying alive out of spite. You're saying
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: when that shriveled husk finally kicks, the government should get
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: more than half of what's rightfully the person in my examples?
• 4:29
  Speaker 6: Well, for now, under current law, the tax is scheduled
• 4:32
  Speaker 6: to expire in 2010. The person in my example can't
• 4:35
  Speaker 6: wait that long.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: All the nagging and the carping.
• 4:38
  Speaker 6: I swear the person in my example is just going
• 4:40
  Speaker 6: to lose it.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I just get so upset when I think
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: about the person in my example.
• 4:52
  Speaker 5: As you all know, it's census time. Last week, Americans
• 4:55
  Speaker 5: received two different forms, short and long, and there is
• 4:58
  Speaker 5: some confusion over how to fill the long one out.
• 5:01
  Speaker 5: Daily Show chief demographer Stephen Colbert is here to walk
• 5:04
  Speaker 5: us through it.
• 5:04
  Speaker 7: Stephen?
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: Thank you, John. It's a fairly simple process.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: First, you'll need your form, a clean writing area, and
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: perhaps a cool drink.
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: This might take a while. I like.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: Nuts brand hazelnut sparkling soda.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: That is good.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: I like it even more than the pistachio flavor.
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: Okay. I'm ready to go. Let's see, I am going
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: to start with chestnut.
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
• 5:51
  Speaker 5: I'm pretty sure it says to use blue or black ink.
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: It says a lot of things, John.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: Okay, I like to skip the whole name, address thing
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: and go straight to type of home.
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: Mobile home. value of residence? One million dollars. Okay, now
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: that's not true.
• 6:14
  Speaker 5: You're defeating the whole purpose of the census.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: It's not true. Yeah, John.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Like I'm really going to tell the government the truth
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: about my mobile home. Why don't I just trace my
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: key and mail it off to them with a cheek
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: scraping so they can get my DNA and clone me?
• 6:32
  Speaker 5: All they want to know is how many people are
• 6:33
  Speaker 5: in your household. It's for funding and things, so they
• 6:36
  Speaker 5: can assign a congressman for every, say, 50,000 people.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: That's why they're... Okay, the number of people in household? 50,000.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: I'm getting my own congressman. You're... Stephen, they're not... Plain
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: and simple.
• 6:50
  Speaker 5: So they're supposed to believe that 50,000 people live in
• 6:53
  Speaker 5: a mobile home.
• 6:54
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: How are they going to know, John? I mean, it's a... Hey,
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: for one thing, it's a million-dollar mobile home. What are
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: they going to do? They're going to come check? Fine,
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: let them come. I'll just say they're out to the
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: movies or something. It's not my problem.
• 7:09
  Speaker 5: Steven, you're not getting a congressman, and they're not even
• 7:11
  Speaker 5: going to process that thing without your name on it.
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: All right, fine, fine. I'll play by your rules, J.
• 7:16
  Speaker 6: Edgar.
• 7:21
  Speaker 5: Why are you doing that?
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: John, if I'm going to give them my name, the
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: last thing I want is for them to know who
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: I am.
• 7:29
  Speaker 5: All right, Steven, you obviously don't trust the census. Do
• 7:33
  Speaker 5: you have a better way of doing this?
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do, John. It's called, look. Happy?
• 7:41
  Speaker 5: Wash that down with another spritzer.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: Would you care? Look, John. Stephen, do you have anything
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: to report? Do you have anything to report from the convention?
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: Any actual information?
• 8:14
  Speaker 5: No, Stephen.
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 8:32
  Speaker 5: Our wily political analyst, a former state comptroller, and veteran
• 8:36
  Speaker 5: of the Granada conflict in his own right, Stephen Colbert.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: Stephen! John! Stephen, thanks for joining us.
• 8:46
  Speaker 5: Watching the results all night, it has been a fascinating
• 8:48
  Speaker 5: evening so far. could see control of the House and
• 8:51
  Speaker 5: Senate change, but early returns indicate not the balance of
• 8:55
  Speaker 5: power shift that some were expecting. It appears the Democrats
• 8:58
  Speaker 5: may hold on to the Senate. House should stay with
• 9:00
  Speaker 5: the GOP. Maybe a few pickups gubernatorially for the Dems,
• 9:03
  Speaker 5: but really not much different than we were this morning.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: Stephen, your thoughts?
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: I've got one thought, John, which is why don't you
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: just do my job for me?
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: You basically just said.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: Everything I was going to say, except the difference is
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: I have been working on this report all day and
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: you just blurted it all out.
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: Great.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: Tell you what, I'll go back to working these fake
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: phones and you can check on me later and maybe
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: I'll have something then.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: Oh, that's me.
• 9:44
  Speaker 5: Our senior Daily Show theater analyst, Stephen Colbert, joins us
• 9:48
  Speaker 5: now from the Great White Way.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: Stephen, day four of the strike.
• 9:51
  Speaker 5: Is there any hope that an end may be near?
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: No, John. I'm afraid down here on Broadway, we've got trouble. Trouble? Trouble.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: Right here in New York City. Talk about minimums, John. Minimums.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: Minimum players in the pit. You got the trombone, clarinet.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: Don't forget the piccolo. The piccolo players have a very
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: strong union. The local 802, I think. And that's Trouble,
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: with a capital T, and that rhymes with P, and
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: that stands for Production Cost Allocations for No Fewer Than
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: 24 Orchestra Members in All Equity Broadway Houses.
• 10:23
  Speaker 5: Well, Stephen, that's the musician side of things. What does
• 10:25
  Speaker 5: management's take on this?
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: Well, John, here's what producer spokesman Pat Smith had to
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: say this morning. It'll hurt the city. It will hurt
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: the economy.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: It will hurt all those who came here to see
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: a musical, many of whom have traveled across the world.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: So you see, this strike could have far-reaching effects.
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: It's a shame.
• 10:59
  Speaker 5: It's a shame, Stephen, because as you well know, show
• 11:02
  Speaker 5: business is a business like which there is no other business.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: Like no business I have knowledge of, John. Everything about
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: it is a complete mess right now.
• 11:13
  Speaker 5: So these are dark times for New York theater.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: Well, maybe so, John, but we can't despair. You see,
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: it's like this.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Show business can be unforgiving. It's no way to make
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: a living. But if it's in you, you must continue
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: to give the folks the.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: Best that- Thank you, Steven. Thank you, John.
• 11:53
  Speaker 5: Stephen, this has become a huge story overnight, but no
• 11:58
  Speaker 5: one seems to know what these allegations are about.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: Have you been able to learn any of the specifics? Yes,
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: I have, John. What are they? Fred, I can't tell
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: you that.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: You see, I'm in jolly old England, as you can
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: tell by Big Ben behind me.
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: Sorry, the Houses of Parliament.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: And slander laws here prevent me from saying anything.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: Believe me, I wish I could. This is a story
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: I could really wrap my hands around.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'd love to grab this story by the
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: hilt and work this story long and hard. Maybe teasing
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: you with a few details. Make you beg for the
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: story until it builds to a huge climax and.
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: Explodes all over the front pages. Whew! That would be great.
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: But the press must be discreet, John.
• 12:59
  Speaker 5: Stephen, the press is just playing a coy game. The
• 13:02
  Speaker 5: very language of your metaphor implies a much more salacious
• 13:05
  Speaker 5: story than the.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: Truth could ever be.
• 13:06
  Speaker 5: Why don't you just come out and say there's an
• 13:09
  Speaker 5: allegation the prince had a gay experience?
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: Your words, not mine, John. But I tell you this much.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: If it was substantiated Just imagine. John, just imagine what
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: that would do to the monarchy. What would that do
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: to the monarchy? Probably nothing.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: The royal family is pretty much just a tourist trap
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: at this point. Nevertheless, it is a great story. It's
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: the type of story the reporter waits his entire career
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: not to be able to report on. Now, if you'll
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: excuse me, I've been invited to a grouse hunting party
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: in Shropshire. It's just a few dozen men, some stable boys.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: All of us in kilts, naturally. Drinking a few yards
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: of ale. And here's the fun part, John.
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: Whoever shoots the fuse... Whoever shoots....
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: Whoever shoots the fewest grouse has to go through the
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: spanking machine.
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: Had enough of biased news reporting? Sounds like you need
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: a truth injection. Tune in this week to the Colbert Report.
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: Where I say whatever's on my mind. And a few
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: things that aren't. Look, no one I know has ever
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: been killed by a landmine. How bad could it be? Chicago.
• 14:58
  Speaker 8: Every week, the biggest names in news sit down for
• 15:01
  Speaker 8: a Colbert Minute.
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: John Kerry, you have 60 seconds. Well, any vote about
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: the authority for war... Roll the monkey.
• 15:09
  Speaker 7: Is always a difficult vote, and it's a serious vote.
• 15:12
  Speaker 8: On the Colbert Report, everyone gets the same fair treatment.
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: Turn off his mic. Turn off his mic. Oh, turn
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: off his mic. And Colbert tells it like it is.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: That is a childish argument, and people like you need
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: to grow up.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: What are you going to do now? Cry?
• 15:32
  Speaker 8: Plus, even takes a lighter look at the news on
• 15:35
  Speaker 8: the laughter side. The Colbert Report, winner of the 2005
• 15:45
  Speaker 8: Peabody Award.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: If the voters have any balls, well, do you voters?
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: Do you have any balls?
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: Because I do. Let me show you tonight. Before we go,
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: we want to check in with our good friend, Mr.
• 16:04
  Speaker 5: Stephen Colbert at the Colbert Report.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: Welcome back, Stephen. John, I just want you to know
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: I am on your side. Yes, thank you. What? In
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: regard to what? The beer, John. The beer. Thank you,
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: I appreciate it.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: There are a lot of people out there saying some
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: pretty cruel things about you, but personally, I think it's great.
• 16:29
  Speaker 5: Well, I guess it is growing on me.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: Good one. Good one.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: And may I say to those out there who say.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: John now looks like a cool step-stad. Wait, step-stad?
• 16:43
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: Is that the possessive of step-dad?
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: Okay. Or more than one stepdad. Oh, is that the case?
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: I didn't realize that. It's like attorneys general. I see.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: Or courts martial. Or perhaps people's republic. Absolutely. All right.
• 17:03
  Speaker 5: Are you planning a run for president of the United States?
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm glad you asked, John. Because tonight.
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: I, Stephen Colbert, am officially announcing that I have decided
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: to officially consider whether or not I will announce that
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: I am running for President of the United States.
• 17:29
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 17:30
  Speaker 6: Yes.
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: Very exciting news.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: And I will be making an announcement of that decision
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: very soon.
• 17:37
  Speaker 4: Great.
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: Preferably on a more prestigious show. Wait, Steven, that's... He's right.
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: I give props when you're right.
• 17:50
  Speaker 5: Basically, though, the announcement tonight is you have decided whether
• 17:55
  Speaker 5: or not to announce.
• 17:57
  Speaker 4: That I, Steven.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: Colbert, am running for president in South Carolina.
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: Say the last part again. In South Carolina, John. The
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: greatest state in America. Go Gamecocks and or Clemson Tigers!
• 18:15
  Speaker 5: You're just going to run in South Carolina. What about
• 18:17
  Speaker 5: the rest of the country?
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: Hold on, Mount Rushme. I didn't even say I'm running yet.
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: I mean, should I?
• 18:26
  Speaker 4: This is crazy.
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: This is crazy.
• 18:37
  Speaker 5: Last night was the culmination of the Convención, the acceptance
• 18:41
  Speaker 5: speech by President Bush.
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: Stephen Colbert was on the floor during the speech. He
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: filed this special report.
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: Last night, the Republicans capped their week of strength and security.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: There's a palpable sense of safety here. I feel like
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: I could just toss myself off of one of these
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: risers and angels would catch me.
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: Excuse me.
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: Sir?
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: They're polite. What are you going to take home tonight?
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: What are you going to take home from this? What
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: group are you with? Oh, I'm with NABLA.
• 19:18
  Speaker 6: Oh, okay.
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: All right. Well, have fun tonight. Thank you. Why do
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: you support the president? It's a little tight down here.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: I feel like a turd of liberty being squeezed out
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: through the colon of independence.
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: But let me ask you. What is this election about
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: if it isn't about our love of freedom? Twelve more years.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: Twelve more years. Twelve more years. I don't know who's
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: going to follow that guy. He sucked all the love.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: out of this room. I mean, he soaked it all
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: up with a sponge. Then, they brought it down. Sorry,
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: what did I miss? Bush didn't speak yet, did he? Finally,
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: it was time for Bush in the Round. He's waving.
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: And he has a blue tie. I accept your nomination
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: for president of the United States. He accepted.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: I didn't know.
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: I didn't know if he would accept.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: It was touch and go there for a while because
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: Pataki rocked the house so hard. They could have given
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: it to Pataki at the last minute. I would have
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: understood if Bush had said, no, Pataki rocked the house,
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: give the nomination to Pataki.
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: But he came out and he grabbed it, and that
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: shows decisiveness and leadership. Members of both political parties, including....
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: The protesters are now being whisked away to an all-expenses-paid vacation.
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: In beautiful Guantanamo Bay.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: No dejaremos a ningún niño atrás.
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: I don't know what he said, but it sounded romantic.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: And may God continue to bless our great country.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: Bring the balloons down. Where are the balloons? I don't
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: care if you have to get up there with grappling hooks.
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: Get those balloons down. Jesus.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: Well, that's it for the 2004 Republican National Convention. We
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: heard many messages this week. Courage, compassion, opportunity, and security.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: All coming together to form the Republican's central theme. John
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: Kerry is a pussy.
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: John. Thank you very much.
• 21:53
  Speaker 5: Stephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen.
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: It's interesting, though.
• 21:59
  Speaker 5: Athletes getting mixed up with drugs. It's an all too
• 22:01
  Speaker 5: common story. And it's one that our own Stephen Colbert
• 22:04
  Speaker 5: has found more than worth exploiting.
• 22:06
  Speaker 7: Exploring.
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: Disa Itosdottir is a champion bridge player. A game which
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: combines the pace of cards with the athleticism of sitting.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: And the rules are simple. Disa has always dreamed of
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: taking home the gold at the World Bridge Championships. A
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: dream that recently came true.
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: We won the silver medal.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: Well, almost came true. It was a dream that quickly
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: became a nightmare when the World Bridge Federation, or WUBF,
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: stripped Disa of her silver medal.
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: But why? I refuse to take a drug test.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: And just like that, Disa's bridge come a-tumbling down.
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: Okay, who's fired?
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: Disa, I've looked at the tapes, and frankly, I find
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: it hard to believe that you could have bid seven
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: note trumps and taken every trick if you hadn't been
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: hopped up on the screamers.
• 23:14
  Speaker 4: I think I could bid seven note trumps and take
• 23:16
  Speaker 4: all the tricks.
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: Any day of the week. Disa, were you on steroids?
• 23:21
  Speaker 4: No. No steroids. Vicodin? No.
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: Percodan?
• 23:26
  Speaker 3: No.
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: Gizodrine?
• 23:28
  Speaker 5: No.
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: Carmelac?
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: No.
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: Tanzafran?
• 23:33
  Speaker 3: Zolococ?
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: Dihexafuzzle? Faggages?
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: Despite her claims of innocence, Bridge expert John Gillette stands
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: by the whoops decision. They should have taken her medal
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: away only because those were the rules of the contest.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: Why would you have drug tests in Bridge?
• 23:56
  Speaker 6: Bridge is attempting to become an Olympic sport, and the
• 24:00
  Speaker 6: Olympic committee has rules.
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: A point lost on Deezer. Deesa, hold on a second. So, Olympics, Olympics,
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: like ancient Greece.
• 24:16
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: Bridge wants to be in that Olympics.
• 24:18
  Speaker 7: Yes.
• 24:20
  Speaker 4: Okie doke. Okay, sorry.
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: Why won't you just clear up any doubts people might
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: have by peeing in a cup on camera?
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: Got plenty of tape, a lot of witnesses.
• 24:35
  Speaker 4: I would not want to pee into a cup on camera.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: You not wanting to pee in a cup on national
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: television seems pretty suspicious. So what is Disa hiding? According
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: to physical therapist Tim Roy, there are telltale signs that
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: an athlete is abusing performance-enhancing drugs.
• 24:52
  Speaker 4: You're going to see a larger skull size. Irritability. Somebody
• 24:58
  Speaker 4: flying off the handle for no apparent reason. And we'll
• 25:01
  Speaker 4: be contract what?
• 25:03
  Speaker 7: Huh?
• 25:05
  Speaker 4: Enlarge clitoris, things like that as well.
• 25:09
  Speaker 3: What?
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: Clearly, Disa is spiraling out of control. Disa, are you
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: on anything right now?
• 25:19
  Speaker 6: Uh, no.
• 25:20
  Speaker 4: Benny's?
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: Pink footballs? Black beauties? Goofballs? MX missile? What are that?
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: That's mushrooms and ecstasy. It's a high and a low
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: at the same time. Opens your mind.
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: Really.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: really gets you someplace pretty beautiful.
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: Do you have any of that? In the end, the
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: ones really hurt are the children.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: What do you say to that little girl out there
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: who dreams of someday being a bridge champion?
• 25:56
  Speaker 3: I don't know if there are very many little girls
• 25:58
  Speaker 3: out there dreaming to be bridge champions.
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: Not anymore, Disa. Not anymore. Sorry, I'm on Thalmadrac. Sometimes
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: it makes me sleepy.
• 26:16
  Speaker 5: Harriet Tubman, Malcolm X, William, the refrigerator, Perry. Each in
• 26:23
  Speaker 5: their own way legends in the struggle for civil rights,
• 26:26
  Speaker 5: but sadly one minority group has been left behind. Stephen
• 26:29
  Speaker 5: Colbert filed this report from the front lines of the
• 26:32
  Speaker 5: last great battle of equality.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: Audrey Silk has been kept down so long, she don't
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: know what up is.
• 26:50
  Speaker 3: It's become the new form of discrimination that's acceptable to everybody.
• 26:54
  Speaker 3: It's created the second-class group of citizens that we haven't
• 26:58
  Speaker 3: heard about since the 60s. There are some of us
• 27:00
  Speaker 3: who just don't want to take that anymore. All we
• 27:07
  Speaker 3: want to be able to do is smoke in peace.
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: It's called smokism, the systematic oppression of a minority simply
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: because they were born smokers. Are smokers discriminated against on
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: a daily basis?
• 27:22
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 27:23
  Speaker 3: You can't smoke in most restaurants. You can't smoke in
• 27:26
  Speaker 3: your workplace. It's gotten even worse in segregation. Not only
• 27:30
  Speaker 3: are they trying to put us on the back of
• 27:31
  Speaker 3: the bus, but even more so off the bus completely.
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: Rosa Parks didn't know how good she had it.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: And like a white female nicotine-addicted Martin Luther King, Audrey
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: advocates civil disobedience.
• 27:44
  Speaker 3: I would like all the smokers to start smoking in
• 27:48
  Speaker 3: places they're not supposed to smoke.
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: But the man, he don't care.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: Meet non-smoking supremacist John Banzaff. This old whitey heads a
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: group of smoke-hating crackers.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: Called What does Ash stand for?
• 28:05
  Speaker 4: Let me guess.
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: Just tell me if I get a word wrong. Arian... Stop.
• 28:13
  Speaker 7: Ash stands for Action on Smoking and Health.
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: Why shouldn't people be allowed to smoke where they want?
• 28:19
  Speaker 7: Why shouldn't people be allowed to masturbate where they want?
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: I ask myself that question every day.
• 28:26
  Speaker 7: According to the Centers for Disease Control, the American Medical Association,
• 28:30
  Speaker 7: the World Health Organization, every scientific and medical body which
• 28:33
  Speaker 7: has studied the subject, it kills more than half a
• 28:37
  Speaker 7: million Americans each year.
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: You're talking about smoking, not masturbating, right?
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: Sure, the AMA and the CDC are convinced, but what
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: about this guy in the short sleeves?
• 28:50
  Speaker 3: Mr.
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: Colby, are you a medical doctor?
• 28:53
  Speaker 4: Oh, no.
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: Have you ever done medical research in a laboratory setting?
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: Oh, no.
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: With all this expertise, what conclusions have you come to?
• 29:02
  Speaker 7: Smoking does not cause lung cancer.
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: Good enough for me.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: So, where did the cancer hoax begin? You won't be
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: one bit surprised.
• 29:16
  Speaker 7: Well, it goes back to Nazi Germany.
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: Okay, maybe a little surprised.
• 29:22
  Speaker 4: Mr.
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: Colby... Did Hitler smoke? Oh no, he hated smokers.
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: Which leads to one obvious question. Professor Banzaff, name one
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: way you're not Hitler.
• 29:37
  Speaker 7: That's the stupidest question I ever heard. I wouldn't dignify
• 29:39
  Speaker 7: it with him.
• 29:40
  Speaker 4: Answer.
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: Well, I'll take that as I don't have a mustache.
• 29:43
  Speaker 7: I don't think you will.
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: Let's get back to masturbation for a second. Where does
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: that right stop?
• 29:52
  Speaker 7: Simply because you want to do something doesn't mean that
• 29:55
  Speaker 7: you have a right to do it. If that logic prevails,
• 29:58
  Speaker 7: then there should be masturbation and non-masturbation sections in restaurants
• 30:02
  Speaker 7: and workplaces and airplanes.
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: I think that's enough about masturbation. I don't know why
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: you keep harping on that.
• 30:08
  Speaker 7: I keep harping on it.
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: You keep bringing it up. You brought it up. For now,
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: all smokers can do is keep their eyes on the prize.
• 30:18
  Speaker 3: I have a dream that we'll be able to go
• 30:21
  Speaker 3: out in public and socialize with our friends and our
• 30:24
  Speaker 3: family in settings outside the home.
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: A dream that one day will all be judged by
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: the content of our character and not the color of
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: our lungs.