Latest / Jess Ask / Seeking Validation: Overcoming Grief and Forgiveness | FT Brittany Latrice Parks | EP96

Transcript

Seeking Validation: Overcoming Grief and Forgiveness | FT Brittany Latrice Parks | EP96 · Jess Ask

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Hey, y'all is Shagirl, Jessica, is Smith and listen, I'm
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: really super excited for you to get into this next episode.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: You know that we are about victory stories here. We
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: are about living out the word where it says we've
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: overcome by the word of our testimony. And some testimonies
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: are really challenging to tell, but sometimes they're also challenging
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: to experience. And so the testimony that you're about to
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: hear is definitely deep. And so I want to prepare you, guys.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: I want to prepare your hearts and your minds for
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: what is about the trans transpire. But know that at
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: the end of this there is victory tune in.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: Yo, it's Shagirl, Jessica and Smith, and you already know
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: that you've entered the safe space for influencers to decompress,
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: have fun and just ask. You already know what it is,
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: and then you know it's about to get real. So
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: be sure to show your girl the move and like,
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: how many.
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: God for another day? Hey, I know we could be
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: another way.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: Lutle crazy, Can I can? So you're telling me I
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: can't do a music video.
• 1:19
  Speaker 4: I ain't telling you can't do nothing.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: You just said that though you can do whatever whatever
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: you I'm inspired right now because this is gonna be
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: like you Amen, Hey, amen, I'm going up get ready.
• 1:35
  Speaker 5: Hey, maybe she can't do It's gonna be on you only.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: I only need to hear that, Paul.
• 1:42
  Speaker 4: Yes, ma'am, ma'am, don't the courage.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: No encourage me, flame the what is it? Blame the fire?
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: Get ready?
• 1:53
  Speaker 4: That's how you gonna do it.
• 1:55
  Speaker 6: Be reaching out there, get ready, shout out.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: Ain't yo yo yo insta girl, Jessica, and you have
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: entered the safe space for influences to decompress, have fun
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: and guess what just as okay, okay, if you if
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: you for me doing a music video, that's a right.
• 2:21
  Speaker 4: I'm sorry, I clean my throat.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: That was a strong that was like a motherly like
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: a very distrong strong discouragement, like I could be a
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: creative director. I can be the amp girl, the gospel
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: amp girl. You know what I'm saying, Like I'm her,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: I am herr, I am her.
• 2:40
  Speaker 4: You go for it?
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: You. That does not sound supportive, It is go for
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: I think you should go for it. Jessica. Who am I?
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: Who am I to say? Don't do that Jessica, God,
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: God has given you creative genus. But you did, though,
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: so why are you? Why am I to say it
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: while we stuck in the past that was like five
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: minutes the past, less than five minutes past. I think that. Listen,
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: let me tell y'all something. If y'all need a hype
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: girl or an extra, because I can be there. Yeah,
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: I can be an extra. I could sit on the
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: counter like I'm reading the Bible and stuff like that,
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: and then I could be the you know, the person
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: is singing in the choir and I I'm going to
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: do that. I Am going to be an entertainment like
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: all you know areas not just podcasts. I see that
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: from my life entertainment. Now when it happens, y'all come
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: back to this episode and says she said it, she said,
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: get rid of it. Hey, y'all, welcome to another episode
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: of Just Ask the podcast.
• 3:48
  Speaker 7: Okay, apparently, just as the entertainer.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: Just as the entertainment, I gotta I gotta who's that?
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: Said the entertainment? I have to ask him? What can
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: I borrow that? But y'all were super excited about today.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: We have a very very special gift. As you see
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: in the chat the description or whatnot. But y'all, God
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: is so good. God is so good.
• 4:09
  Speaker 4: Okay, I'm faithful.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: He's been good to me. And I'm gonna tell it, y'all.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: I'm honestly, like real time, i'm fighting being tired. I'm
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: just gonna call it. I'm probably being really really silly
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: right now because I'm fighting being tired. Y'all. The Lord
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: has been so good and giving us opportunities just to
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: focus more on the future of this podcast, right, and
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: so we've been coming up with different ideas. We're getting
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: ready for the tour that's coming up. Yeah, so we
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: want you all to stay in touch for that. We're doing, Yes,
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: three sixty five, and just God is just putting giving
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: us openings for more responsibility and so I'm excited about that.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: I'm not too tired to talk though, because the person
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: that we got here said, Bobby, baby baby all right.
• 5:09
  Speaker 4: So get focused, Okay, get focused.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: But before we introduced the Woman a God, I would
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: like to community highlight another podcast. Okay, yes, the Lord
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: just told me when I was over there in that
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: chair to highlight a special podcast seen one of the
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: members here. They are doing some really good things and
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: they're really proven that women can really do things together right.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: Desiree is also the producer of this podcast, so shameless plug.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: We love her lounge. Go ahead and name all your people, Desiree.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: We got hold on. You gotta put working on, you know,
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: a little slow to the party. So there's Lynn, she's
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: very she's very adamant about making sure y'all know she's
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: Lynn on the podcast. That's my pastor, Pastor Andrea Gates. Yeah, yeah, Pauletta,
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: who is hilarious. Yes, she's the the counselor of the group.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: Then there's Queas the quiz Spates. She does a lot
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: of the stats, the stats on there. And then that's
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: miss Juna and they're a hoot. They say, listen, they
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: are older women, mature women and that, and they're bad
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: to the bone. Pastor Gates has been here. I'm not
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: calling Helene, I just I can't. Pastor Gates has been
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: on the platform and we just absolutely love her. Hopefully
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: we can have her back this year. But she and
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: the other three ladies are just showing like what it
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: is to do life together and you can be normal
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: as a Christian life. When I say normal, I say
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: like you can have a life, and they really talk
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: about real life issues, real life opportunities. They show friendship
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: on the podcast, and they old unity on the podcast,
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: you know, and some of sometimes they disagree sometimes they
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: and it's healthy disagreement, Like they stand on business okay.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: We talk about four strong black women okay, And so
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: we're promoting them just because God's just let it on
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: my heart and I just speak well over the that
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: space and it's opening up like they're doing live events
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: and all that stuff. So this is more so of
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: a shameless plug, like I want to highlight good podcasts
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: outside of your the infamous podcast is that you'll podcasts
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: that y'all be watching, Like there's you know, shout out,
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: you know, shout out to these other podcasts that have
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: a lot of following. But there's some really good podcasts
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: that are in their growing stages right and Her Lounge
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: is one of them podcasts. So shout out to the
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: ladies of Her Lounge and love you. We might not
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: can have all y'all at one time. We probably have
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: to do one by when I would be overwhelmed would
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: be I would be overwhelmed in every aspect. So we
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: love you guys here you have our full support, just
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: as the podcast. So if you it up for our ladies, y'all.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: My energy, my energy is up. It is my voice
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: just kind of like struggling right now. I need a
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: little medicine. Bove from Star Wars. I'm like, gosh, but
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: let's get in tweet because Holy Spirit is in this place, okay,
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: And I'm really excited this guest that we have. I've
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: been knowing her for about two years now, would you
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: say that about two years? And she has definitely become
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: someone I called definitely a sister in Christ like she
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: is really in the past two years, we've seen each
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: other go through some things and are seeing each other
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: develop and so her testimony is really really powerful. She
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: is in the health field. So anytime I get sick, y'all,
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: oh my gosh, she has my address, so I'd be like,
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: why are you sending me stuff? Like what? I can't?
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: I kid you not. I told her one time that
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: I was seeking. She was like, what do you have?
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: And then the next hour there was a package from
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: Walmart or something coming. I was like, why did you
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: send me? I don't even know you need our you
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: need like this is a type of friend that that
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: she is, and so I'm really excited to introduce her
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: to this platform because this is the first of many. Yeah,
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: I'm really excited what God is doing with her as
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: a content creator, developing confidence in ministry. Right, she will
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: pray him and down. Oh my God, don't let us
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: start speaking in tongues, but we're gonna go up. Okay.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: I love the woman of God and I'm excited to
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: see here hear what God is about to do in
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: this conversation. So I introduce and present to you guys,
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: none other than my sister Britney La Tree.
• 9:35
  Speaker 6: As a little nervous, but that's normal.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: That's normal because we don't even know where we're going.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: We don't know if we just be in regular or
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: the spirits. When I say, heybrid hey, sis, you don't
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: ever know how you feeling.
• 10:06
  Speaker 7: I'm excited, I'm excited. I'm a little bit nervous.
• 10:09
  Speaker 4: So you know you nervous what you're nervous about?
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: Girl? You know you know us.
• 10:17
  Speaker 8: I'm a little nervous about what could potentially what this
• 10:24
  Speaker 8: could look like for me. There's a level of freedom
• 10:27
  Speaker 8: that I know that could take place.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I'm excited because it's time. I feel like
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: it's time for your your testimony, and I think I
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: don't even know the full story. So I get excited
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: about opportunities like this, especially the folks I walk with,
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: because I find something about a new every time. And so, Brittany,
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: I don't. I don't want to take it for granted
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: that I know you. And because you know some of
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: my viewers may not know you, can you tell us
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: about who is Brittany? Who is Brittany LaTrece.
• 10:58
  Speaker 4: Pugs where.
• 11:01
  Speaker 8: Listen, y'all. I am a lover of Jesus, period. I
• 11:06
  Speaker 8: love Jesus. But in my professional world, I'm a nurse practitioner, y'all,
• 11:11
  Speaker 8: and I'm a nursing educator. I love to help people.
• 11:14
  Speaker 8: I love to show up for people. And I am
• 11:16
  Speaker 8: your biggest supporter.
• 11:17
  Speaker 7: Period.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: Yes, you definitely are a supporter. You definitely are. I
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: met you supporting, right, We both were supporting, And so
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: that's one of the things I don't really match the
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: yep you you on on another slide, there's a great
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: to the third Heaven, y'all.
• 11:40
  Speaker 4: I don't that's.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: Great, That's all I was like, I'm talking about I
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: can't see myself. So no, we met in a place
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: of serving, and I really honored you because of the
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: diligence you have with servant, because real recognized real like
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: being ad men over over powerful leaders that we were,
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: you know, serving at the time. Like I feel like
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: that in order to do that, there had to be
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: some oil there because serving on that level requires that,
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: and it requires not just honor, but the anointing yourself,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: Like you can't really serve an anointing that you don't
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: I don't think so, not in my experience, you don't
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: serve an anointing that is not connected to you in
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: some way, shape or form or fashion. So I'm excited
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: this season that God is like bringing you out of there.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: And so let's let's start from the beginning because what
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: I don't know about you is originally where you're from.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: I know when when Brittany the pain points of Brittany,
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: But let's start about with childhood, like what did that
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: look like? Where are you from? So we can do
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: we shot out this city? Do you claim it for real?
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: Or yo?
• 12:52
  Speaker 8: I even like, well, for those who don't know, I'm
• 12:55
  Speaker 8: really from Georgia.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: Okay, so I did know that I did know that.
• 12:59
  Speaker 7: Okay, I'm a country girl.
• 13:00
  Speaker 8: What part of Georgia, britt State's firl Georgia Like where
• 13:04
  Speaker 8: the dur roads are?
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: It's pc from Statesborough. Y'all heard of Georgia Southern, Yes,
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: but there was the southern That's not country, right, honey?
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: The bees, the hornet people, I don't know. I hadn't
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: heard of it, but I don't know the mascot. But anyway, because.
• 13:24
  Speaker 8: I don't forgot, but y'all, I actually left there when
• 13:27
  Speaker 8: I turned eighteen, so I haven't been back to Georgia
• 13:31
  Speaker 8: since I was eighteen.
• 13:32
  Speaker 7: But I think something really huge that a lot of
• 13:35
  Speaker 7: people don't.
• 13:36
  Speaker 8: Know about me is that my mom passed away when
• 13:39
  Speaker 8: I was fifteen, and I think that that was one
• 13:41
  Speaker 8: of the most pivotal moments in my life that kind
• 13:45
  Speaker 8: of made me who I am.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about that. So your mom, what was the
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: dynamic of you and your mom's relationship?
• 13:54
  Speaker 8: But for the most part, I grew up in a
• 13:56
  Speaker 8: single parent home. My father was incarcerated, and so.
• 14:03
  Speaker 7: I'm the middle child.
• 14:04
  Speaker 8: So if you know anything about middle child syndrome is
• 14:08
  Speaker 8: what I like to call it, like it's kind of
• 14:10
  Speaker 8: it's kind of like you want to be the oldest,
• 14:12
  Speaker 8: but at the same time you want to be the baby,
• 14:14
  Speaker 8: because the middle child really doesn't get that level of attention.
• 14:17
  Speaker 8: And so my mom struggled from addiction, alcohol addiction, and
• 14:21
  Speaker 8: so in those moments we just didn't see eye to eye.
• 14:25
  Speaker 8: So our relationship as a teenager, it just was it
• 14:29
  Speaker 8: was kind of it was kind of hard.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So.
• 14:35
  Speaker 8: But even in her passing, it was abrupt. I wasn't
• 14:39
  Speaker 8: prepared for it. Do you mind saying what happened?
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: Oh?
• 14:42
  Speaker 8: Yeah, absolutely, So before I understood who Holy Spirit was,
• 14:47
  Speaker 8: like now hindsight, I see that the Lord was showing
• 14:50
  Speaker 8: me in dreams twice and on this in the second dream,
• 14:54
  Speaker 8: the Lord told me that if my mom goes back
• 14:58
  Speaker 8: into the hospital, she wasn't going to come out. But
• 15:01
  Speaker 8: I didn't understand at the time who or where those
• 15:04
  Speaker 8: dreams were coming from. And so my mom had gotten
• 15:08
  Speaker 8: sick in December of two thousand and three, and she
• 15:14
  Speaker 8: had given me permission to kind of go spend the
• 15:16
  Speaker 8: rest of my holiday with my family, which because it
• 15:19
  Speaker 8: was like when you're in that kind of environment, anytime
• 15:21
  Speaker 8: I could be gone, I was gone.
• 15:24
  Speaker 7: And so but this time felt different. She was sick.
• 15:26
  Speaker 7: She said she.
• 15:27
  Speaker 8: Had the flu, but I knew it was something different,
• 15:30
  Speaker 8: even at age fifteen.
• 15:32
  Speaker 7: And so.
• 15:34
  Speaker 8: Let me see, on December to thirtieth, actually we got
• 15:38
  Speaker 8: a phone call saying that she had been rushed to
• 15:40
  Speaker 8: the hospital and that she had coded multiple times throughout
• 15:44
  Speaker 8: the night.
• 15:45
  Speaker 7: And so the Lord.
• 15:47
  Speaker 8: Had reminded me that dream that if she went into
• 15:50
  Speaker 8: the hospital again, she was not going to come out.
• 15:53
  Speaker 8: And so they told me that if she made it
• 15:56
  Speaker 8: through the night, you know, they would transfer her to
• 15:58
  Speaker 8: a larger hospital. It was a little it was a
• 16:00
  Speaker 8: little hospital in Georgia. Yeah, this town of Meta, and
• 16:04
  Speaker 8: if you know anything about Meta, they probably got about
• 16:07
  Speaker 8: three or four red lights trying to be light. Yes, Yeah,
• 16:10
  Speaker 8: And so we got a call on December thirty first
• 16:14
  Speaker 8: that she had codd again and that we needed to
• 16:16
  Speaker 8: come and say our goodbyes. And so I knew at
• 16:19
  Speaker 8: that moment, like, y'all, I'm about to lose my mama
• 16:22
  Speaker 8: at age fifteen. My daddy's in prison. It's just me
• 16:26
  Speaker 8: and my two brothers. What am I gonna do?
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 16:30
  Speaker 8: And so yeah, on New Year's Eve at seven thirty
• 16:34
  Speaker 8: five in the morning, like my oldest brother had to
• 16:36
  Speaker 8: take her off of life support.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: And how old was your brother at the time?
• 16:40
  Speaker 7: Twenty one? He's seven years older than me. Yeah.
• 16:43
  Speaker 8: Yeah, So I think you go from having having a
• 16:48
  Speaker 8: mom and then two days later you go from shoot, like,
• 16:54
  Speaker 8: what am I supposed to do?
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 16:56
  Speaker 7: I don't know how to I don't know.
• 16:57
  Speaker 8: I don't know how to navigate this season for this
• 17:01
  Speaker 8: new way of life.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: Right, And so even in that all right, so I'm
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: what I'm hearing is my relationship is strange, but my
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: mom right now, it doesn't sound like there was any reconciliation.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: So how do you manage developing into your identity as
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: a motherless child?
• 17:25
  Speaker 8: That's a good question, I think even right now, I'm
• 17:30
  Speaker 8: almost thirty seven years old, and it was just up
• 17:33
  Speaker 8: until a few years ago that I learned that I
• 17:36
  Speaker 8: didn't know how to be a daughter.
• 17:38
  Speaker 7: After my mom passed away.
• 17:40
  Speaker 8: You know, you kind of seek seek validation from other
• 17:45
  Speaker 8: female motherly figures, but it never really feels that void.
• 17:52
  Speaker 8: And so I struggled with that for a long time.
• 17:56
  Speaker 7: I didn't know how to love. I didn't know how
• 17:58
  Speaker 7: to receive love. I didn't know how to.
• 18:03
  Speaker 8: Even be in relationships without having that fear of abandonment
• 18:07
  Speaker 8: or loss.
• 18:08
  Speaker 7: So it was definitely that was definitely a journey for me.
• 18:14
  Speaker 4: So and we're gonna touch back on it.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: I feel like there's more there as far as what
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: your identity as, but even the relationship with grief that
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: because my understanding of your story is that was the
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: initial hit of grief. Yes, oh this is so good,
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: just her whole expirit to say this, not only did
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: you grieve your mother, but you were also grieving the
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: absence of a father. Can we go into that, like,
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: what was your relationship dynamic with an in prison father?
• 18:51
  Speaker 8: So my father went to prison when I was in kindergarten,
• 18:55
  Speaker 8: if I'm not mistaken, and he was actually released from
• 18:59
  Speaker 8: prison a few months before I graduated nursing school, so
• 19:04
  Speaker 8: that would have to be aged twenty two, twenty three,
• 19:08
  Speaker 8: And so I had to get to know my father
• 19:10
  Speaker 8: really over the phone. We did visit the prison a
• 19:14
  Speaker 8: few times, but it caused anxiety for me, like to
• 19:18
  Speaker 8: hear the prison doors, to have to feel in closed
• 19:22
  Speaker 8: like it didn't make me feel good, So I never
• 19:25
  Speaker 8: really wanted to go visit.
• 19:26
  Speaker 7: So I had to get to know him over the phone.
• 19:29
  Speaker 4: And how was that like what how do you map
• 19:32
  Speaker 4: that out? Is it a healthy relationship?
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: Because being in prison his mindset is one way, right,
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: You're if you really think about it, you possibly experience
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: your prison outside.
• 19:42
  Speaker 4: Is an a fair assumption. Like how was that dynamic?
• 19:47
  Speaker 8: I would say that for me that was really difficult
• 19:50
  Speaker 8: because you have this this level of relationship where on
• 19:54
  Speaker 8: one side, my father's like, yo, you know me, like
• 19:57
  Speaker 8: quit acting like you don't know mea other side, I'm like,
• 20:02
  Speaker 8: I only know you from the phone. And so that
• 20:05
  Speaker 8: that actually caused a lot of friction, and it left
• 20:10
  Speaker 8: this void because I didn't know how to feel. I
• 20:14
  Speaker 8: didn't know how to express my feelings because, like you
• 20:17
  Speaker 8: just said, like prison life is a whole another dynamic.
• 20:23
  Speaker 8: And so he was like pretty aggressive, and if anybody
• 20:27
  Speaker 8: knows anything about me, y'all, I am not aggressive.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: Because he's pretty cool, you know.
• 20:35
  Speaker 8: And so there would be times where I would be
• 20:38
  Speaker 8: struggling with something and I'd be crying and his words
• 20:40
  Speaker 8: would be like what you crying for?
• 20:43
  Speaker 7: I ain't raise no pump. But in my mind I'm
• 20:46
  Speaker 7: thinking you ain't raised me. So that's that's a hard
• 20:51
  Speaker 7: peel to swallow.
• 20:52
  Speaker 8: So now I'm trying to navigate through. Really who am I? Yeah,
• 20:57
  Speaker 8: my daddy's in prison and his in his physical prison,
• 21:02
  Speaker 8: and I'm in this invisible form of bondage because I.
• 21:08
  Speaker 7: Don't know who I am.
• 21:11
  Speaker 4: Because your daddy probably don't sound like he know who
• 21:13
  Speaker 4: he is.
• 21:14
  Speaker 7: He doesn't know who he is.
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: So I'm curious to know about your father's parental background.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: Do you know about that?
• 21:24
  Speaker 8: So we actually just had a conversation a few months ago.
• 21:28
  Speaker 8: Holy Spirit actually gave me permission to have that conversation
• 21:31
  Speaker 8: with him. And he actually didn't know his father until
• 21:35
  Speaker 8: about maybe three or four years before his father passed away.
• 21:39
  Speaker 8: And my dad is about fifty six years old, and
• 21:41
  Speaker 8: his dad, when his dad passed away, he really didn't
• 21:44
  Speaker 8: know much about him. He was raised by his mother
• 21:47
  Speaker 8: and his grandfather. And he told me how growing up,
• 21:51
  Speaker 8: they were pretty aggressive with him because.
• 21:53
  Speaker 7: He was pretty hard headed. Yeah, he lived life in
• 21:55
  Speaker 7: the streets. Yeah, And so.
• 21:59
  Speaker 8: Because of that, that was his attempt to try to
• 22:02
  Speaker 8: raise us in that manner.
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: But from the phone, Yeah, I was about to say,
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: so now he's saying, well, at least I talk to you.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: My dad didn't even talk to you. So I'm raising you.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: I'm talking to you. You hear my voice and it's
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: like to you, it's like the phone, like how you sir,
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: you collect calling me with once a week and he's like,
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: I'm getting I'm giving you more than I was giving.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: Like that's the sometimes in the space of being an
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: adult now, I was like I was. I talk I
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: talked about the relationship with me and my mom all
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: the time. And it wasn't until the point where I
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: realized when I'm at this age, I'm struggling the way well,
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: I'm having these opportunities of growth the way that I am.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: It gives me opportunity to give more grace and to
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: be able to have more opportunities of conversation and communication
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: because I'm putting myself on like you know what, the
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: things that I'm mad at my mama about, like I
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: have to I have to correct my flesh a lot
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: because it's like, you know, if I was her with
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: three kids the second divorce, right, you know what I'm saying,
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: Like if I was really going through that child Hannah,
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: boo boo, child, let me tell you something, and I
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: got a more, Okay, Like all I got is a
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: more and that's trustful. I'd be like more, why are
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: you throwing up? I ain't got no want to go
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: to the bid today? Okay, Like that's stressful. So to
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: hear you say like I'm giving this is what I
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: heard I heard you say, or what happened. He gave
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: you what he had and he felt like you should
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: have honored it as enough.
• 23:42
  Speaker 7: That's exactly that's exactly right. And it took me years
• 23:47
  Speaker 7: to learn that he didn't have the capacity.
• 23:51
  Speaker 8: I had this false expectation of him to be a
• 23:54
  Speaker 8: father to me, but he gave me what he had
• 23:58
  Speaker 8: and I expected more from him, but he didn't have
• 24:00
  Speaker 8: it to give. And even for many years, I was
• 24:04
  Speaker 8: upset with my mom, and so I had to go
• 24:06
  Speaker 8: through this process of forgiveness even after she passed, because
• 24:10
  Speaker 8: it was like, man, you didn't think about us, But
• 24:13
  Speaker 8: then at the same time, just like you just said
• 24:16
  Speaker 8: about your mom, Like if I was married, if I
• 24:21
  Speaker 8: my mom was legally blind, if I was legal blind,
• 24:24
  Speaker 8: if my husband had other.
• 24:26
  Speaker 7: Children outside of our marriage.
• 24:28
  Speaker 8: I had three other siblings outside of my mom, you know,
• 24:34
  Speaker 8: And so if I had to deal with all of
• 24:36
  Speaker 8: that and my husband was in prison for all of
• 24:40
  Speaker 8: these years, I would I would probably experience some level
• 24:43
  Speaker 8: of depression as well and not know what to do.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: So hold, we we ain't gonna take that too, Faz.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: You just said your mom, your mom and your dad
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: were married.
• 24:53
  Speaker 7: They were married, they got married when Yeah, they were
• 24:57
  Speaker 7: married for over twenty one years, I believe.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: Whoa. And during the marriage, your your father gets in prison.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: But before he gets in prison, he has three children
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: outside of.
• 25:10
  Speaker 4: The marriage, two other women.
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: Okay, okay, how do you process that?
• 25:18
  Speaker 8: So when I was younger, my desire was just to
• 25:21
  Speaker 8: get to know my siblings. But then as I got older,
• 25:25
  Speaker 8: I grew this level of resentment to the mom's because
• 25:28
  Speaker 8: I'm like, yo, y'all shady, you know. But at the
• 25:32
  Speaker 8: same time, it was like I think I had directed
• 25:37
  Speaker 8: my frustration to the wrong person, never having the conversation
• 25:40
  Speaker 8: with my father, but just kind of looking at the
• 25:44
  Speaker 8: mother's sideways.
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but.
• 25:49
  Speaker 7: I didn't understand until I became an adult.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because Daddy played the game, right, he played he
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: played it sounds like he played the game. I'm not
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: in negating anything, because when you were adulting, you find
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: out like, oh people, people got to be out here. Line. Yeah,
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: life like real, like for real, for real, it would
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: be one way, that's a whole that we're not gonna
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: go down there rip hole. We're not gonna go down
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: a rip hole. But however, and so I want to
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: back up. You said that you had to forgive your mom.
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: What did you have to forgive your mom for?
• 26:22
  Speaker 8: So, just like with my dad, you know, I had
• 26:25
  Speaker 8: to realize that she didn't have the capacity right because
• 26:27
  Speaker 8: I grew up in a home where they didn't.
• 26:29
  Speaker 7: Really say I love you a lot.
• 26:31
  Speaker 8: So if anybody tried to embrace me, or anybody would
• 26:34
  Speaker 8: say I love you, I'm looking at them, we were like,
• 26:37
  Speaker 8: what you want?
• 26:39
  Speaker 7: Like, what do you want in exchange for that?
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: And so hold up, what do you want in exchange
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: for I love you?
• 26:50
  Speaker 4: I'm sorry you couldn't pass back by the quote go ahead?
• 26:53
  Speaker 8: Yeah, And so I had to forgive my mom for
• 26:58
  Speaker 8: what I thought she didn't consider us, because here I
• 27:03
  Speaker 8: am at fifteen, no mother figure, my daddy's not here,
• 27:09
  Speaker 8: My brothers kind of got away with a lot, and
• 27:11
  Speaker 8: so my mom was really hard on me, like really
• 27:15
  Speaker 8: tough on me. And so I had to forgive her
• 27:17
  Speaker 8: for leaving me. And you mentioned earlier about the grieving process,
• 27:23
  Speaker 8: like I had to not only grieve the present, but
• 27:26
  Speaker 8: I had to grieve You won't be there for my graduations,
• 27:29
  Speaker 8: you won't be there for a wedding, you won't be
• 27:30
  Speaker 8: there for a hard moment you want.
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: She's not there, So you had so in retrospect, do
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: you feel like you had to you had to forgive
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: her for dying?
• 27:40
  Speaker 7: Absolutely? Absolutely?
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: Were you ever mad at God about it?
• 27:45
  Speaker 7: Absolutely?
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: What does that look like? Because for somebody to be
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: so sold out for God and very in a foundational place,
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: like a strong foundational place, and to say that I
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: had to forgive God, what does that look like?
• 28:00
  Speaker 8: I mean, I know that a lot of people don't
• 28:03
  Speaker 8: want to be honest about it, but I feel like
• 28:06
  Speaker 8: God let me.
• 28:06
  Speaker 7: Down in that moment, Like I felt like God, like, Yo,
• 28:10
  Speaker 7: how you gonna take my mama?
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: You know, in that moment.
• 28:13
  Speaker 8: But I literally had to go through that process of therapy.
• 28:18
  Speaker 8: I didn't even feel like I didn't want to go
• 28:22
  Speaker 8: to therapy. In fact, I bucked therapy, And so.
• 28:27
  Speaker 7: I literally had.
• 28:28
  Speaker 8: To go through the process of allowing God to let
• 28:34
  Speaker 8: me be me, let me be angry just for a moment,
• 28:37
  Speaker 8: and to express my feelings because I didn't know how
• 28:39
  Speaker 8: to I didn't know how to express my feelings because
• 28:41
  Speaker 8: I didn't know who to trust my feelings with, and
• 28:45
  Speaker 8: so it took some years, but it came. I came
• 28:48
  Speaker 8: to the place of knowing like God really didn't let
• 28:52
  Speaker 8: me down because when I looked back, like God had
• 28:55
  Speaker 8: his hand on me the entire time, because I didn't
• 28:59
  Speaker 8: become like a statistic like most Yeah.
• 29:02
  Speaker 4: So yeah, what at what point did you realize that,
• 29:06
  Speaker 4: I guess God was for you like that, that you
• 29:10
  Speaker 4: started developing a relationship with God beyond your parental pain points.
• 29:16
  Speaker 8: Quite honestly, the day my mom died. So my mom
• 29:21
  Speaker 8: died on New Year's Eve, and many people don't believe it,
• 29:24
  Speaker 8: but I was in church that same night, oh wow,
• 29:27
  Speaker 8: rededicating my life to God that same night. And for
• 29:35
  Speaker 8: me it was I recognized I was angry at God,
• 29:40
  Speaker 8: but at the same time, I had to not get
• 29:45
  Speaker 8: lost in that place. And so for me, it was
• 29:49
  Speaker 8: important to say God, I'm sorry, but here's my life.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, that's so good. That's so good. I
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: think this is interesting. I'm I'm interested in knowing, Like, Okay,
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: so she passes away at fifteen, Your daddy don't get
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: out until you graduate college, what does that space look like?
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: Where are you? Are you struggling with academics? Are you
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: bucking the system? Like? Are you seeing resemblance of your father?
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: Are you almost going to jail? Like? What does what
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: does that look like for you? Because typically when things
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: like that happen, you have a stubborn child, you have
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: a problem problematic child. Normally that's what I normally hear
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: from where I'm I'm from, But it seems like your
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: story was a little bit different.
• 30:36
  Speaker 7: Absolutely, Okay.
• 30:37
  Speaker 8: For the first thing, listen, I'm not made to be
• 30:40
  Speaker 8: in the jail. I'm thinking about the germs in the place.
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: Not the the.
• 30:48
  Speaker 7: Germs, okay, but so real.
• 30:50
  Speaker 8: But to be be real in that space. I wasn't
• 30:55
  Speaker 8: a person who just got in trouble. I think that
• 30:58
  Speaker 8: I didn't really have much of a voice, and so
• 31:02
  Speaker 8: I was really I really dealt with a lot of
• 31:06
  Speaker 8: loss in between that time, and so I became comfortable
• 31:10
  Speaker 8: with loss.
• 31:12
  Speaker 4: And so did you start expecting loss?
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: I did?
• 31:15
  Speaker 8: Okay, I found myself in this place to where if
• 31:19
  Speaker 8: I got close to somebody, I expected them to die.
• 31:21
  Speaker 8: I expected something to happen to the relationship. I expected
• 31:25
  Speaker 8: it not to go how I wanted to, and so
• 31:27
  Speaker 8: I will only keep you at an arms length. And
• 31:29
  Speaker 8: so even people who were felt like they were close
• 31:32
  Speaker 8: to me would say, well, Brittany, you know all of
• 31:34
  Speaker 8: this about us, but we don't really know that much
• 31:36
  Speaker 8: about you. Because I had this expectation that if I
• 31:40
  Speaker 8: allow myself to get close, something was going to happen.
• 31:44
  Speaker 8: But I literally I pushed myself in school, so I
• 31:49
  Speaker 8: actually became an overachiever.
• 31:51
  Speaker 7: My grades didn't drop. I became an overachiever.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: Why do you think that.
• 31:57
  Speaker 7: It was easy?
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: What was easy being and the overachiever? Or like, what
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: did you get? Because even even with you saying earlier,
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: like what do like? There was a trade like okay,
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: if you love me, that means you want something from me.
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: So did you did you become over to you because
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: you got love for it? Did you got recognized? Like
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: what made you become this overchiev or did you just
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: like school? Some people just like school, but I do
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: like school.
• 32:23
  Speaker 8: But I felt like if I did well in school,
• 32:25
  Speaker 8: then there would be some level of validation from my
• 32:28
  Speaker 8: father m mmm. And although I didn't receive it right
• 32:33
  Speaker 8: because he would just be like, it's just what you're
• 32:35
  Speaker 8: supposed to do what you want.
• 32:37
  Speaker 4: So he never said I'm proud of you.
• 32:39
  Speaker 8: It wasn't until I graduated with my master's degree, but
• 32:42
  Speaker 8: he would tell other people that he was proud of me,
• 32:46
  Speaker 8: not me.
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: The importance of your child hearing you say I'm proud
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: of you, it is there because I love my daddy down.
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: I really do love I love my daddy down. Ooh,
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: I just had a revelation, girl. So I think sometimes
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: I have limiting beliefs of what I can do outside
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: of faith based communities due to the fact that I
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: mostly remember my dad being proud of me in faith
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: based opportunities. So I remember my dad being proud and
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: grateful of me more so in the church setting than
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: anything else. I'm just having this revelation, like this is
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: so wild. That does not make my daddy a bad father.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: He was just as my pastor. I see. I didn't
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: have a disconnect. I couldn't disconnect him being my pastor
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: and being my dad. All I can remember is this
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: is my dad's church. I'm gonna serve as my dad's church.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: We're just gonna do I'm missionary prison. I'm praised dadda
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: da da, and he gave me a lot of me
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: to do what I needed to do, and it was
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: a trust there like it was it was just a
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: trust there, and I just felt the progression of our
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: relationship in the context of faith based opportunities. So now
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: I'm matching it to where I'm at, Like now it's
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: my confidence outside of faith based things is like it's
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: a little low. It's like, Oh, you really want me
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: to be? What type of entrepreneur you want me to be? Oh,
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: if it's not connected to the church, then I can't
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: do it, you know, because that's.
• 34:30
  Speaker 4: What I'm good at. I'm good at I'm good at
• 34:32
  Speaker 4: being churchy, I'm good at the faith based things.
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: And so I think it's important to show your children
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: that you're proud in all areas and know how to
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: maneuver the discipline, Like you can't discipline an eight year
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: old like you disci an eighteen year old. Like it's
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: just it's just different. The language difficult. You can't be
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: being stuff into me. I'ma be mad at you, like
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: I'm like, you know, it makes me think about it,
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: the anger, you know what I'm saying. We have to
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: be mindful because it's attached to their future, Like how
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: I maneuver that relationship is attached to the future.
• 35:09
  Speaker 4: So I want to say thank you for saying that.
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: Because you had to wait to get your master's degree
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: for your day to say, hey, I'm proud of you that.
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: How did you feel when you when you heard that?
• 35:25
  Speaker 8: Almost like there was some level of validation even in
• 35:29
  Speaker 8: that moment. But you know, there's a there's there was
• 35:35
  Speaker 8: there's still a level of clashing there because we have
• 35:40
  Speaker 8: two different levels of or well we serve two different gods.
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: Ah.
• 35:46
  Speaker 8: And so even till today, even till today, what is he?
• 35:50
  Speaker 8: He professes to be a Muslim?
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: Oh okay, all.
• 35:54
  Speaker 8: Right, and so even with that, you know we don't
• 35:57
  Speaker 8: see eye to eye on many things. And you know
• 36:01
  Speaker 8: just from my knowledge, right, and the Muslim faith, like
• 36:07
  Speaker 8: the male is like highly recognized. And so here I
• 36:11
  Speaker 8: am a female, your oldest female. It's like what you want?
• 36:16
  Speaker 8: You you want a handclap for that? Like, no, that's expected.
• 36:20
  Speaker 8: You know, there's even a level of respect that's not
• 36:22
  Speaker 8: given to me simply because I'm a female.
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: Wow, So has that changed because you know that about him?
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: How do you protect your emotions? Like what boundaries do
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: you put up with yourself regarding him because now you know, okay,
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: this is a practice that he has. I want this,
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: but because he's a Muslim, right, I don't think I'm
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: gonna get it. But how do I protect myself because
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: at the end of the day, this is.
• 36:50
  Speaker 4: My father real talk.
• 36:53
  Speaker 8: Like years back, I realized that I had a call
• 36:57
  Speaker 8: on my life even to preach.
• 37:00
  Speaker 7: But I asked my dad.
• 37:01
  Speaker 8: I said, hey, you know, if I go get my license,
• 37:03
  Speaker 8: would you come and see? And he was like no,
• 37:06
  Speaker 8: He's like, is it gonna be in a church? I
• 37:09
  Speaker 8: was like, whoa more than likely? He was like that no,
• 37:12
  Speaker 8: And so honestly that was like a turnoff for me
• 37:17
  Speaker 8: to be like, man, I don't have to do this
• 37:20
  Speaker 8: because there's no there's nobody else in my family that
• 37:22
  Speaker 8: looks like me when it comes to ministry.
• 37:26
  Speaker 7: So for me, it's like God, what you what? What
• 37:30
  Speaker 7: are you going to do with this?
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: Now? Are any of your other family members like Muslim
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: or Christian.
• 37:39
  Speaker 8: Or well, the majority of my family is Christian. Most
• 37:43
  Speaker 8: everyone is like Baptist, but my father was Christian. But
• 37:48
  Speaker 8: when he went to prison, he became a Muslim.
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: That's what they be reading on books. Books they turned
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: every which a way in prison, like and I'm not
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: talking about your dad. I'm just saying bacon.
• 38:03
  Speaker 7: He told me we're gonna buy it, you know.
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: So oh wow. So I want to kind of switch directors,
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: stay in the vein of that, but kind of switch
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: directions on it because I'm curious to know.
• 38:14
  Speaker 4: I wonder what your love life look like.
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: Due to the fact that your parental foundation was shaken. Ooh, well,
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: you looked at me like, also, that's where you want
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: to go girl?
• 38:39
  Speaker 8: I think that, you know, I just learned here recently
• 38:42
  Speaker 8: that I have a very persuasive demeanor personality if I
• 38:53
  Speaker 8: want to right, But I think that that comes from
• 38:57
  Speaker 8: me being in a place of control, if that makes
• 39:00
  Speaker 8: like I could control the narrative. And so because I
• 39:03
  Speaker 8: didn't know how to love him, because I didn't know
• 39:06
  Speaker 8: how to even receive it. Like if the first sign
• 39:09
  Speaker 8: of something being weird, like I'm done, you know.
• 39:16
  Speaker 7: And that's not always a good thing, Like, so.
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, what is weird? Yo?
• 39:24
  Speaker 7: If you if you well, let's just go here.
• 39:29
  Speaker 8: So if you come up with some feminine tendencies like
• 39:33
  Speaker 8: that's weird to me.
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: Do you want to go there? Okay, we can Okay,
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: let's go.
• 39:39
  Speaker 8: So for the people that don't really know right, like
• 39:43
  Speaker 8: I am, and I've been in relationship with someone who
• 39:49
  Speaker 8: I end up finding out that was bisexual, and so
• 39:54
  Speaker 8: that just like.
• 39:56
  Speaker 7: Did something to.
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: Me mentally the level of relationship marriage, and so let's
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: let's break that. Let's go, because I feel a breaking
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: on that because I sense even when you told me,
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: like I was like, and I'm not trying, this is
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: let me meet it to. This is not outing because
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: I asked the woman to gud what was off of
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: thembents before we started talking, and I felt she felt
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: a release of freedom. And even when you said it,
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: I feel like the enemy tries to embarrass you for
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: your ignorance, like or the you ignoring what you might.
• 40:28
  Speaker 4: Consider to be red flags or whatever.
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: And so I just want to say out loud, that
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: wasn't your fault, Like I just want to receive that
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: that's not that's not your fault. That's his story. Like
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: unfortunately you was a you know, uh, harmed or if
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: inflicted by that that revelation however, and that's that's not
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: your fault. And so how did you manage when you
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: did come to grips of on a marriage to somebody
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: that's living a double lifestyle. What was it? How did
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: you manage that? Because now I'm dealing what's because you
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: were married once? Okay, So I'm just just trying to
• 41:09
  Speaker 1: get the story. So this is your marriage the first time.
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling all of this. I'm getting loved. I'm getting
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: and if it were let me just say if I'm
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: going too far, just okay, like just sallm and just
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: tall because I want I want to be honorable. Right,
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: I'm connecting the dots of Okay, my parents want They didn't.
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: They didn't nurture me, like I need to be nurtured. Okay,
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: I'm in this marriage and what I've heard about God
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: are what I know about marriage. This is supposed to
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: be the end all be all. I supposed to be
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: this and he's supposed to be that. And now I'm
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: confused because it's like, how in the world did I
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: How did I get this? What does that do to
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: your faith?
• 41:52
  Speaker 8: It shakes it because his parents were actually our pastors.
• 42:00
  Speaker 7: And we both served in ministry.
• 42:01
  Speaker 8: Oh wow, he was a minister, and so for me,
• 42:08
  Speaker 8: it was just like, yo, I can't do this, but
• 42:11
  Speaker 8: I tried I tried, but I think even where we
• 42:14
  Speaker 8: messed up as his parents were our premoral counselors.
• 42:19
  Speaker 7: And so it's like they knew.
• 42:22
  Speaker 8: I feel like they knew, yeah, but maybe they were
• 42:27
  Speaker 8: just hoping for something to be different, and me being naive,
• 42:30
  Speaker 8: I just didn't even pick up on it. And some
• 42:33
  Speaker 8: things I did, but I just overlooked and was like,
• 42:36
  Speaker 8: you know, this is just how people are nowadays, you know, like, oh,
• 42:40
  Speaker 8: he got on skinny jeans.
• 42:41
  Speaker 7: Okay, those might be a little too tight.
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, y, the skinny jeans a little you know, a
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: little suspect only because they skinny jeans, but then you
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: have to determine what level of skinny right they are?
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: But yeah, like I can see how you can because
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: I would have done it too.
• 43:00
  Speaker 7: His frame was kind of more what you call it like.
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: Figure maybe is that is that r Is that rude?
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Like that was the
• 43:17
  Speaker 1: first Sam slim but not slim thick.
• 43:20
  Speaker 7: No, I'm not slim.
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: He was a slim slim. Okay, that was I'm sorry, y'all,
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: y'all should say does a rape face case slim? I'm
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: so sorry. I was not trying to be rude. Yeah, however,
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: and how old were you when you got married?
• 43:38
  Speaker 8: Uh, right after nursing school, so maybe about twenty three,
• 43:43
  Speaker 8: twenty four.
• 43:43
  Speaker 4: Or so you was young.
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: Still you're still with behind the ears as the old
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: people said. And how long did y'all stay married?
• 43:50
  Speaker 8: I believe five years? And right at the end, his
• 43:54
  Speaker 8: father tried to rape me.
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay the pastor okay, okay, I'm I'm kind of
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: shocked right now. I don't know how to respond to that.
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: S Okay, was that your straw that made you leave?
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: Or so I was already leaving, but that just kind of.
• 44:26
  Speaker 8: If there was any thoughts of reconciliation, absolutely not, and
• 44:32
  Speaker 8: by any thoughts of reconciliation, meaning like, okay, people go
• 44:36
  Speaker 8: through stuff, they struggle, but still thinking, like you said,
• 44:39
  Speaker 8: till death do you part, Brittany, you know, but.
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: So you were trying to make it, make it work
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: because of the vow that you made.
• 44:46
  Speaker 8: Yeah, hm, or at least in my mind, I'm like, okay,
• 44:51
  Speaker 8: well maybe here or there, you know, we can go
• 44:55
  Speaker 8: to counseling, he can get the help he needs.
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, Brittany, you've been through a lot. Damn like that.
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: That's heavy, That When you just said that, I felt like,
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: a like, that's nothing, that's nothing, that's nothing like So
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: I'm just curious because I haven't I've been through some things,
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: but what you just said, I don't even think the
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: comparison is just like not there, and I don't know
• 45:22
  Speaker 1: the strength that I can form. It's like, Okay, I'm
• 45:25
  Speaker 1: serving because people question it's like, if God is so good,
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: why do bad things happen? X y Z, And so
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: I would only imagine your mind has gone there. How
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: do I get from going through this pain, experiencing this
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: these trials, experiencing this level of marriage, experiencing experiencing the
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: lack of parental guidance, to trusting a God that has
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: seen me through all these things, Like that's my curiosity?
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: Is it?
• 45:51
  Speaker 4: Is it not yours desert?
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 45:52
  Speaker 8: For sure, He's been the one constant in my life.
• 45:58
  Speaker 8: And that's the truth, even with you know, the whole
• 46:03
  Speaker 8: father in law attempting to rape me. You know, it
• 46:07
  Speaker 8: was in that that I still knew that God was
• 46:11
  Speaker 8: my constant because his response was if you tell anybody,
• 46:16
  Speaker 8: they're not gonna believe you. And so for that with me,
• 46:21
  Speaker 8: I struggled maybe about two days with that, and then
• 46:24
  Speaker 8: it was, oh, no, I'm telling your.
• 46:25
  Speaker 7: Wife, and if you don't tell her, I will.
• 46:28
  Speaker 8: And when I told her, she didn't seem surprised. I
• 46:33
  Speaker 8: think that was one of the most hurtful parts. I mean, yeah,
• 46:35
  Speaker 8: he did what he did, but her not seeming surprised
• 46:39
  Speaker 8: hit different, as if it had been done before.
• 46:45
  Speaker 7: And then and then.
• 46:46
  Speaker 8: The response later after it had been exposed, she called
• 46:51
  Speaker 8: me and apologized and then told me, you know that
• 46:54
  Speaker 8: he had made some attempts to harm himself. And I
• 47:00
  Speaker 8: don't take that lightly, yeah, because of the level of
• 47:03
  Speaker 8: loss that I've experienced. Yeah, you know, even like most
• 47:07
  Speaker 8: people don't know, like even when I was in nursing school,
• 47:10
  Speaker 8: like I lost my baby brother seventeen years old from bullying,
• 47:16
  Speaker 8: and you know, and so for him to be like
• 47:21
  Speaker 8: I'm gonna I'm gonna harm myself because of what I did,
• 47:25
  Speaker 8: Like I was not moved because it was I feel
• 47:29
  Speaker 8: like it was attacked to try to get a woe
• 47:31
  Speaker 8: is me.
• 47:32
  Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, wow, that's.
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: I'm still sitting with Like, that's that's pretty heavy bridge.
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: So I'm just I'm curious what is the result for
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: brit because brit has You've been. So you're about at
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: least ten years removed from there, because baby, you don't
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: look at you keeper. Okay, so she just she's just
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: as old as desert ray. But anyway, I'm the young TINDARONI. Anyway, baby,
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: That's what Brittany told me when she she uh first
• 48:15
  Speaker 1: make me, because they'll be like, oh, you're so annoyed.
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: How old are you? And at that point was I thirty?
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: I think I had just turned thirty or whatever, and
• 48:23
  Speaker 1: she's like, you're.
• 48:24
  Speaker 7: A baby.
• 48:27
  Speaker 6: Baby.
• 48:28
  Speaker 4: I'm like, girl, I'm grown.
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: I pay bills around. But no, I think it's just
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: so amazing because looking at you you don't and experiencing
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: you for the first time. Right, So if I'm talking
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: to you, just regular whatever you don't wear, you don't wear.
• 48:43
  Speaker 4: It to the naked eye. Let's just say that you wear.
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: Oh I'm great, I'm helpful, I'm this D D D.
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: At what point did you stop masking it?
• 48:58
  Speaker 8: I think that too a certain level, I still haven't
• 49:02
  Speaker 8: stopped masking it. I think that you have to be
• 49:07
  Speaker 8: real with yourself, right. I struggled from anxiety.
• 49:12
  Speaker 7: I struggled with depression.
• 49:14
  Speaker 8: You know, at one point it was so bad that
• 49:18
  Speaker 8: my doctor was like, yo, if you don't take this medicine,
• 49:21
  Speaker 8: like you are going to have a heart attack. And
• 49:26
  Speaker 8: it was just one of those things like I had
• 49:29
  Speaker 8: to keep it together. I don't even know why I
• 49:31
  Speaker 8: felt like I had to keep it together, Like I
• 49:33
  Speaker 8: felt like I had to be the strong one. And
• 49:35
  Speaker 8: so to a certain level, I don't think I've stopped masking.
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: It, but at some point, excuse me, my goodness, but
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: at some point I do believe that you have places
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: and points of unmasking that you've been able to do.
• 49:52
  Speaker 4: And I call that your.
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: Safe place, like like we were safe based for influencers
• 49:57
  Speaker 1: and t decopres health onon. It just says, you know
• 49:59
  Speaker 1: what I'm saying, what is your safe safe space?
• 50:02
  Speaker 4: Where do you find reverence in God?
• 50:05
  Speaker 1: Or refuge might be the word build refuge.
• 50:10
  Speaker 8: You know, my spiritual family has become one of my
• 50:12
  Speaker 8: safe spaces because and some friends, you know, like you
• 50:18
  Speaker 8: realize that there's certain levels of yourself that you can
• 50:21
  Speaker 8: share with certain people with what they can handle in
• 50:26
  Speaker 8: certain parts of you. And so I've learned that it's
• 50:31
  Speaker 8: okay to not be okay. And there was a time
• 50:36
  Speaker 8: where I wouldn't even cry in front of people like
• 50:39
  Speaker 8: you just would not see me shed a tear, and
• 50:42
  Speaker 8: people would think that I didn't have a heart, like
• 50:46
  Speaker 8: something horrible could happen and I just.
• 50:48
  Speaker 7: Be like straight face.
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 50:51
  Speaker 7: And but in the in the inside, I would be
• 50:53
  Speaker 7: so broken.
• 50:54
  Speaker 8: But it would take somebody who actually cared to see like, yo,
• 51:00
  Speaker 8: she she's hurting.
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 51:02
  Speaker 8: And so I think that now my spiritual family and community,
• 51:08
  Speaker 8: you know, really has given me the permission to be free.
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: That's so good. That's so good. I'm glad you brought
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: that up because community is important. Like when we don't
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: have the right community, we don't have the the A
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: healthy community brings out healthy things that we didn't know
• 51:32
  Speaker 1: about ourselves because the enemal tried to play us in
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: our minds like all things are bad, like nothing worked
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: out for our good. Yeah all right, And so that's
• 51:40
  Speaker 1: why I asked you where whenever you felt masking, because
• 51:44
  Speaker 1: I'm so proud of you, even in this moment, because
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: you just defeated the devil again. You just feed it,
• 51:48
  Speaker 1: defeated hill again, because what he doesn't want you to
• 51:52
  Speaker 1: do is testify that, Oh I overcame this, like I'm
• 51:56
  Speaker 1: still living and I'm doing well, Like I'm still obeying God,
• 51:59
  Speaker 1: because that's what you do.
• 52:00
  Speaker 4: Girl.
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: You just moved. You just moved out of obedience to God.
• 52:04
  Speaker 1: Like what type of faith is that. It's like you're
• 52:08
  Speaker 1: pressing towards like she's pressing toward the mark Likes it's
• 52:11
  Speaker 1: like there's something that's in embedded and you is like, Okay, God,
• 52:16
  Speaker 1: this goes beyond hope. Like I can't just move like
• 52:20
  Speaker 1: this and just be hopeful there.
• 52:22
  Speaker 8: I believe that there's something on the inside of me
• 52:24
  Speaker 8: that just won't let me quit. Like, Yo, there's been
• 52:27
  Speaker 8: many times that I just wanted to quit. Like you
• 52:30
  Speaker 8: get to this place where you feel like, man, I'm
• 52:31
  Speaker 8: just by myself, like nobody don't understand, you know, I
• 52:35
  Speaker 8: who's gonna miss me type of ordeal, you know. And
• 52:41
  Speaker 8: but as much as I've tried to quit, it's like
• 52:43
  Speaker 8: God just won't let me. And I found myself just
• 52:47
  Speaker 8: coming to this place of surrender. But like being honest,
• 52:50
  Speaker 8: sitting right here right now is not easy.
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 52:53
  Speaker 7: And so.
• 52:55
  Speaker 8: But I do you know believe that you know, you literally,
• 53:00
  Speaker 8: I really have to allow God to take you through
• 53:04
  Speaker 8: the process of removing the bandages the wounds of what
• 53:09
  Speaker 8: has once held you bound. And so sometimes our testimony,
• 53:13
  Speaker 8: sometimes our things that we've gone through, keeps us in
• 53:17
  Speaker 8: a place of bondage, whether that's from guilt, whether that's
• 53:19
  Speaker 8: from shame, whether that's from like I don't know, people pleasing,
• 53:23
  Speaker 8: Like whatever that is, whatever your thing is, like that
• 53:27
  Speaker 8: becomes your place of bondage.
• 53:29
  Speaker 7: If you allow it.
• 53:31
  Speaker 1: That's so good. I'm so glad you said that, because
• 53:34
  Speaker 1: I feel like that's the resolve. Like when we're looking
• 53:38
  Speaker 1: at like I have my testimony. Yes, I always think
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: about this song and my dad. I love it. I
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: love it when my daddy sing it. I won't complain.
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: I've had some good days. I've had some bad days.
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: I've had some heels could climb. But when I look
• 53:55
  Speaker 1: around and I think things over, oh my god, all
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: of my good days out way my bad days.
• 54:05
  Speaker 4: I won't complain.
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: Like, if we really measured the good and the bad,
• 54:11
  Speaker 1: can you really say that the bad outweigh the good?
• 54:15
  Speaker 1: And that's what I hear in your testimony and your story.
• 54:18
  Speaker 1: Like although my parents did what they did, and I
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: felt neglected, I felt rejected, I felt unloved, I felt unworthy,
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: and even the more I'm digging for affirmation so much
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: so that I'm marry into confusion. I'm marry into confusion.
• 54:36
  Speaker 1: And then I leave out of confusion broken fit, almost
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: more broken than I came into it. Now I'm having
• 54:44
  Speaker 1: to find myself. Now, I'm having to trust community. Now
• 54:46
  Speaker 1: I'm about to do this. But all of those days
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: that looked bad, I can still see good in it.
• 54:53
  Speaker 1: That's God. That's God. And so when people hear your testimony,
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: I don't want y'all to just hear like, oh my gosh,
• 55:01
  Speaker 1: she just said she was, you know, almost raped and
• 55:06
  Speaker 1: she experienced this and oh my god, So don't feel
• 55:08
  Speaker 1: bad for the woman of God, because she's good period,
• 55:11
  Speaker 1: Like I need, I need them to really understand, like
• 55:13
  Speaker 1: you then told your story this is, and this is,
• 55:15
  Speaker 1: and let me tell because I got to back my
• 55:17
  Speaker 1: sister up real quick, cause you know what I'm saying,
• 55:18
  Speaker 1: because some people might get this thing where it just
• 55:20
  Speaker 1: happened confused. What what happened is? There are things I remember.
• 55:24
  Speaker 1: There was a moment at a retreat that I was hosting,
• 55:28
  Speaker 1: and I had just confessed my sins to Marianne. And
• 55:35
  Speaker 1: in that moment of not only confessing my sins, to
• 55:38
  Speaker 1: mary Inn. I didn't know two weeks later at this
• 55:40
  Speaker 1: retreat that the Lord was gonna make me confess my sin.
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: But I needed mary Ynne's backing of what I was
• 55:48
  Speaker 1: about to do, because what happened, Oh my god, it
• 55:52
  Speaker 1: did not define Jessica. We we we we we. What
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: we do is we take the testament or the testimony
• 56:01
  Speaker 1: or the experience of our past and we make it
• 56:04
  Speaker 1: the definition of who we are. And that's a lie.
• 56:08
  Speaker 1: The enemies, the enemies track record is for you to
• 56:11
  Speaker 1: believe the lie.
• 56:13
  Speaker 4: He started in the garden, and he used some.
• 56:18
  Speaker 5: Facts and mixed it up with his conniving, his ability
• 56:23
  Speaker 5: to connive, and he made it so so so presented
• 56:28
  Speaker 5: it so well that Eve believed her.
• 56:31
  Speaker 1: Way into failure. Eve believes her way into self tabotaged.
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: Eve believed her way into disconnection with God. Eve believes
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: her way so much into a day she forced she
• 56:45
  Speaker 1: she presented her belief to the man of God, which
• 56:48
  Speaker 1: created the dysfunction. Right, and so when we really we
• 56:52
  Speaker 1: we really were able to look at those days, we're
• 56:55
  Speaker 1: able to take your testimony and say, you know what,
• 56:57
  Speaker 1: but God will still God will still get the glory.
• 57:00
  Speaker 1: Because I'm saying, I'm not dead, I'm I'm a woman faith.
• 57:04
  Speaker 1: He shows me his love. He shows me that I
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: even have family. Outside my family, I have no I
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: have no lack. Like there's when you search for God,
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: he gonna show you where He was the whole time.
• 57:15
  Speaker 1: And that's what I heard you say. That's what I
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: heard you say.
• 57:19
  Speaker 8: Even in my place of being or feeling offended by God.
• 57:23
  Speaker 7: Yeah, God show his love towards me.
• 57:27
  Speaker 8: You know, the level of grace and favor that has
• 57:31
  Speaker 8: been extended towards me is like almost unbelievable.
• 57:37
  Speaker 7: I found myself feeling.
• 57:38
  Speaker 8: Offended, like God me, like I tried to live a
• 57:43
  Speaker 8: life that I thought was right. Yeah, and so I allowed, well,
• 57:48
  Speaker 8: I found myself being in a place to where I
• 57:51
  Speaker 8: allowed a label like divorce to define me, like you
• 57:55
  Speaker 8: were just saying, but I had to even get to
• 57:57
  Speaker 8: the place of listen, Yes, this is this is something
• 58:01
  Speaker 8: that happened. This is something that I experienced, but it's
• 58:04
  Speaker 8: not who I am. It made me, you know who
• 58:07
  Speaker 8: I am, but it's not who I am, if that
• 58:09
  Speaker 8: makes any sense. And so this was this was definitely
• 58:16
  Speaker 8: an unexpected freedom that I didn't know I needed.
• 58:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm proud of you. Yeah, I'm proud of you. Yep.
• 58:26
  Speaker 1: Hold on, just oh she over the bishop over there
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: looking for a scripture for y'all. Oh bye bye. I
• 58:33
  Speaker 1: feel the annoyancing of the Lord in this place.
• 58:36
  Speaker 4: Also now, but for real, like it's it's been very beautiful.
• 58:41
  Speaker 1: Just listen to your testimony, Bread, because it's just also
• 58:45
  Speaker 1: a beautiful testament that we don't look like what we've
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: been through. Right, And so if you would have never
• 58:50
  Speaker 1: shared those pieces of your story, like sometimes people see
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: us or you know, people may see people in certain
• 58:58
  Speaker 1: spaces and you know, sometimes we're like, oh, she's doing
• 59:03
  Speaker 1: she's the most, she's doing the most, or may not
• 59:05
  Speaker 1: even understand the praise that you have. You know, they
• 59:09
  Speaker 1: may not even understand the joy of the Lord that
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: you have. It's not manufactured, it's real because God has
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: journeyed along with you and he's brought you through a
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: lot of things.
• 59:19
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 59:19
  Speaker 1: So when Jessica was talking, of course, the scripture that
• 59:25
  Speaker 1: I just kept hearing was Romans eight twenty eight. Romans
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: eight and twenty eight, and this is the amplified version.
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: And we know with great confidence that God, who is
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: deeply concerned about us, causes all things to work together
• 59:45
  Speaker 1: as a plan. Come on now for good for those
• 59:49
  Speaker 1: who love God, to those who are called according to
• 59:52
  Speaker 1: His plan and his purpose, which means yes, God didn't say, hey,
• 59:57
  Speaker 1: let me do all these things to hub because you
• 59:59
  Speaker 1: know X, Y and Z. But things happen, right, that's life.
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 1: We're born into this world of seeing things happen. And
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 1: God knows that well. He knew what was gonna happen
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: before he even put your your mom and your daddy
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 1: together in a way where they where you had to
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 1: come into the world. He knew the things that was
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 1: gonna happen before youve got there, right. But there was
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: a plan all along, right, So every little piece of negativity,
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 1: every struggle, every loss, every grief that has happened.
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 4: Has brought you to where you are today.
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 1: And at the end of the day you can still
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 1: say I still give God the glory. Yeah, that's so good.
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 1: I need to specify this because I hear this question
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 1: being posed in the spirits or why would you have
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 1: her to come and share this? For one?
• 1:00:48
  Speaker 4: Let me tell you this, I didn't know what was
• 1:00:49
  Speaker 4: gonna be shared today.
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 1: If you don't know real live about the Holy Spirit,
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 1: here and I try not to lean on my own
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 1: understanding for this this portion of it, because what's needed.
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 1: I never know what's needed. Right, this is a space
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 1: I trust God because he is the one that's omnipresent
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 1: and omniscient, right he knows the need and personally for Brittany,
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 1: what I'm sensing what was needed is what this platform
• 1:01:18
  Speaker 1: is to find find as that they overcame by the
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 1: word of their testimony, and there's levels to overcoming. Right.
• 1:01:28
  Speaker 1: It's not I'm not pimping anybody out for their story.
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 1: I don't have to do that. I can go. I
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 1: can tell y'all my story. I go through tough all
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 1: the time. You know what I'm saying. But I really
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 1: believe that there's strength that comes to the person the
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 1: viewer that can manage and here beyond the pain, right
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 1: when you're ask God, as Holy Spirit, and I'm just
• 1:01:48
  Speaker 1: gonna trust God when I'm censing right now, ask God
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 1: to remove the gunk out of your ears so you
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 1: can really hear the testimony to rejuvenate you to say,
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 1: if she overcame it, if she can still trust God
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 1: beyond that point or those pain points, then I got
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 1: to see who she talking about that, and that's the
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 1: heartbeat of this platform. And so I don't want to
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 1: get I don't want anybody to get it twisted. I
• 1:02:15
  Speaker 1: don't want the enemy to even try to use this,
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 1: this opportunity to try to be like, you know what,
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 1: that's foul, Like it comes up like the enemy wants
• 1:02:24
  Speaker 1: her to be quiet about what she just said, or
• 1:02:27
  Speaker 1: the enemy wants you to be quiet about what you
• 1:02:29
  Speaker 1: just said. But you guess what she did without crying.
• 1:02:33
  Speaker 1: She took her time. She was supported. And that's what Oh, hallelujah,
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 1: I hear the Lord say, that is what God is
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 1: trying to identify in your own life through this scream,
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 1: God is trying to send you support. God is trying
• 1:02:46
  Speaker 1: to show you that you are big ahead, my God,
• 1:02:49
  Speaker 1: He's trying to show you that you are bigger than
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 1: the problem that your prom hallelujah, that your promise is
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 1: bigger than the problem. That you're actually the sole lushion
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 1: for somebody else, that when you overcome hallelujah, hear the
• 1:03:03
  Speaker 1: Lord say, that you're actually breaking generational curses. What she
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 1: just did was broke death. She broke death, She broke silence,
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 1: she broke timidity. Hallelujah. Being timid about about where we're
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 1: I'm a trust God here, but I can't trust you. Literally,
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 1: a wall just broke down because she obeyed God and
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 1: what she shared, and so I really wanted to release
• 1:03:29
  Speaker 1: that because I really sense that the enemil try to
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 1: play with y'all on this, but not on my watch,
• 1:03:38
  Speaker 1: not on my watch your cover, Sis, Like when she
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 1: says spiritual family, we're a part of it. We got
• 1:03:45
  Speaker 1: gangster grizzil.
• 1:03:48
  Speaker 7: Period.
• 1:03:49
  Speaker 1: Okay, Sis, it's about that time and the tradition of
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 1: our ending is. I know we talked about a lot,
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 1: and I know that you gave your to Simony, but
• 1:04:00
  Speaker 1: if they didn't hear anything that you said, what is
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 1: the one thing that you want to leave with the
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 1: audience today.
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 8: It's in your surrender. There is freedom in your surrender
• 1:04:15
  Speaker 8: and knowing that you truly are, like you're overcome by
• 1:04:21
  Speaker 8: the blood of the Lamb and the word of your testimony.
• 1:04:24
  Speaker 8: So it doesn't matter what you did. Just walk through
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 8: it and allow God to take care of the layers.
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 1: Amen. That's beautiful. It's in your surrenders. Yes, three sixty five. Listen, Brittany,
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 1: I love you. I'm so proud of you. Thank you
• 1:04:40
  Speaker 1: so much for us today. You don't come back and
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 1: see us, girl, because I feel it's like a book
• 1:04:47
  Speaker 1: promotional coming out of you. You've been a right you know.
• 1:04:50
  Speaker 1: I saw a Yeah, yes, we're gonna promote. It's crazy though.
• 1:04:55
  Speaker 1: I took a picture of her. I hear you, just okay,
• 1:05:00
  Speaker 1: I'm glad you hear me. In the spirit, I took
• 1:05:03
  Speaker 1: a picture, you know, because I'm I'm I do the
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 1: producing thing right, so I mean, you know, producing and
• 1:05:08
  Speaker 1: then I try to get some behind the scenes and things.
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 4: But I literally snapped a picture of.
• 1:05:12
  Speaker 1: Her, just her by herself as a reminder of where
• 1:05:16
  Speaker 1: she's going, like this is not the last.
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 4: Like I literally snapped quite a few because I want
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 4: her to be.
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 1: Like, okay, yeah, this is not the this is not
• 1:05:23
  Speaker 1: the last, Like this is only the beginning where.
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 4: Taking you and your voice.
• 1:05:28
  Speaker 7: I receive it.
• 1:05:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I receive it. Yeah, there's there's I saw a
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 1: book out of just coming out your billies.
• 1:05:34
  Speaker 4: So we here, we here locked in.
• 1:05:41
  Speaker 1: But I love you. Brittany does a ray girl ones
• 1:05:45
  Speaker 1: and two twos threes were locked in.
• 1:05:47
  Speaker 8: Get ready it's gonna be my year?
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 7: Amen?
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is gonna be out yea. And you know what,
• 1:05:55
  Speaker 1: remember this year is full of just as the podcast. Okay,
• 1:05:58
  Speaker 1: So I can't wait to see you next week. Until then,
• 1:06:01
  Speaker 1: remember life could be much more simple if you just
• 1:06:05
  Speaker 1: asked see you later.
• 1:06:06
  Speaker 4: Peace. Thank you for tuning in to this week's episode.
• 1:06:15
  Speaker 2: Since you've made it this far, you might as well
• 1:06:17
  Speaker 2: connect with us on all social media platforms at the
• 1:06:20
  Speaker 2: Jessica S. Smith. I know I won't see you back
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 2: until next week, but until then, remember to love always
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 2: yourself and always thank thank God for one another day.
• 1:06:35
  Speaker 3: Hey, Hey, I know we could be another way. Hey,
• 1:06:42
  Speaker 3: pray thank God for another day. Hey hey, I'm just
• 1:06:48
  Speaker 3: thankful for another day. Hey hey another day? Oh, another
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 3: day wise, another day to get it right, another day
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 3: to rise up, another day living, another day.
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 1: We loved ones.
• 1:07:01
  Speaker 3: I always remember hold it down for a ball one.
• 1:07:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah,