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The Myth of Bouncing Back with Charaia Rush: What If Healing Doesn’t Look Like Strength? · Anchored by the Sword

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Thank you for joining me on this episode of the Anchor by the
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Sword Podcast. I pray that today's episode will
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leave you encouraged and also challenged in your faith.
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And I pray that you would take the stories that are talked
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about here today and share them with other people.
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Thank you so much for joining me and enjoy today's episode.
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Hey guys, welcome to this episode of the Anchor by the
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Sword Podcast. I'm so excited today to
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introduce you guys to Sharia and she is here to talk about her
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newest book, The Myth of Bouncing Back.
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And I'm excited to learn more about her, all of the things,
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and just thank you so much for coming on today.
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Yeah, thank you for having me. I'm really looking forward to
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talking with you and yeah, see where it goes.
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Absolutely. So can you start by introducing
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yourself to my listeners? Of course.
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So again, my name is Sharia, and I am from Colorado.
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I've written two books. This is my second book.
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Now I work at a local nonprofit during communications, and I
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have two kiddos. They love my life.
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I love them so much. And yeah, I just, you know, I
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love coffee. I love reading.
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And yeah, I'm just happy to be on this podcast.
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I suck at BIOS. There's another one.
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That's OK. Well, I was just sitting here
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thinking I have not had my first cup of coffee yet and we're
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talking on a Monday morning so. Both of us, everyone.
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Absolutely, absolutely. It's just been water this
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morning so far. So.
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So let's start out by talking about your personal freedom
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journey. Yeah, oh man, I feel like
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there's like micro freedoms. And so it's to think about the
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one freedom journey. But I think the first one that
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comes to mind is just how God really brought me freedom, not
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just through and abusive marriage that I left, but like
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the rebuilding of myself from that and the freedom that I had
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to find and just knowing who God called me to be and stripping
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off some of the things that I believed about myself because of
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that relationship. And so I would say that that
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started in four or five years ago, and it's just been a
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process of really letting the Lord kind of highlight the
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places in my life. I just didn't feel like I saw
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him, like, right. I didn't feel like he was there.
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And so I think my freedom journey has been kind of like
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recalling the past and letting the Lord show me like, this is
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where I was. And so now you can walk in
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freedom because you were never alone.
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And for me, that's kind of what helps me move forward is
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knowing, like, OK, that stuff sucked.
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And I'm not a type of person who's like, the pain was worth
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it. Like, it was not worth it,
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right? Not worth it, but it's not
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wasted. And so finding freedom and God,
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being able to show himself in my pain and my suffering and the
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trauma, and not necessarily like forcing me to like, grit through
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all of that and act like it didn't hurt, if that makes
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sense. So yeah, I think that that would
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be describe my freedom. I love that.
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And yeah, there's nothing like having that vulnerability and
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that real ability, like, yeah, that whatever you've been
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through, it sucks. It's hard.
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And yeah, would you do it again? Probably not.
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Would you want to talk again now?
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Exactly, exactly. So you talk about bouncing back.
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So let's talk about what led up to your divorce, and then let's
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talk about bouncing back afterwards.
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Yeah, so I actually hate the term bouncing back.
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So that's what my whole book is on.
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It's just like, no, you're not. Going to.
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Because that I think it cheapens the call to resilience and it
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makes us think that getting back up doesn't cost us something and
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that we as humans are afforded the ability to rise from really
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difficult situations in the same shape and form as we did when we
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fell. And that's just not, not true.
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A lot of times when we're resilient, when we get back up,
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we don't look the same. We aren't the same.
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And that doesn't mean that we are not engaging with the work
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of resilience. That just means that we need to
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understand that looks different. So my divorce story is is rather
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long. I wrote about my first book but
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really a series of infidelity and and trying to work things
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out. And I think I growing up in the
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church, like divorce was the last option.
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And so in a lot of ways, I was very much conditioned to make
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things work that weren't workable and to try to redeem
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things on my own terms. When I believe now that God was
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trying to redeem things in a totally different way, it was
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going to force me to let go of something that I didn't want to
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let go of. And so after a series of just
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like infidelity, separation, reconciled for about a year.
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And then after that, it was very clear that there was no desire
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to change, no true repentance. And so I remember just like
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calling several pastors in my life and being like, I don't
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want to do this, but I don't know what else to do, like where
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else to go. And I remember my pastor now,
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she was like, you know, I love you so much and I see your
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heart. But what you are experiencing
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now is likely what you're always going to experience.
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Like there's true or evidence of true change.
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And it would be low. He's foolish for you to stay and
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and try to fight for a change that someone else doesn't want
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to pursue. And so that led to just be
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moving back to Colorado and rebuilding my life.
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I didn't have a bank account, I didn't have money, I didn't have
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anything. And it was during that time of
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rebuilding that I felt like I had to really learn what it
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meant to like, get back up when you feel like you don't have the
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ground beneath your feet, like you think you're in a pit and
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it's like everything is gone. And what does it look like to
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rebuild from that place? It's very scary and it's very
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daunting. And the resilient pep talks that
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we've been served don't work in those seasons, just aren't
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sustainable for us. So that's kind of the connection
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for my divorce and then my understanding of resilience.
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And that's the book. So what was your anchor verse
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during that time and then what is it now?
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Yeah, OK. During that time, I would say
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just that there would be beauty for ashes.
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I think that that was like my anchor verse because all I saw
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was ashes and I didn't feel like it was going to be in my favor.
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And also Romans 55 where it talks about those who hope in
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the Lord will not be put to shame.
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And just knowing that I felt this level of embarrassment for
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like trusting that God could see me through a situation or even
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just like fighting for my marriage and the Lord's lovingly
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being like you don't ever have to be embarrassed or ashamed for
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hope. You're hoping and you're hoping.
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So that was probably like a anger voice verse then.
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And then I think now the Isaiah 50 where it says, therefore I
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set my face like a Flint determined to do his will and I
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know that I will not be put to shame.
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So just for me, it's just that like determination of like, I
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know God's going to help me. I know I'm not going to be
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disgraced. And so I'm going to just set my
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eyes to like what His will is for my life.
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And no matter what I go through or the trauma and the pain and
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the suffering, I know that he's my vindicator and that if I
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pursue his will for my life, which is just to know him and to
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other people, then So yeah, those are probably my 2.
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I guess I said 3. Yeah, I love that.
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So what made you know that now was the time this book needed to
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come out? Actually, I didn't want to write
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this book. I'm very I'm very honest.
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I so I finished my first book and I had signed A2 book deal
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with Baker and I was but we didn't know what the second book
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was. And I remember like, like I gave
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him a whole bunch of ideas, like things I wanted to write about.
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I kind of wanted to write anger and women being angry and what
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does that look like for Christians?
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And I just gave all these ideas. OK.
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You better bring that book out, Just saying.
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It's saying, I feel like we have to have a conversation on that.
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Yes, yes. Like, I just want to talk about
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rage and anger and what does that look like for women that
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feel like they can't be mad and whatever.
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I wanted to write that. And then I, I put like one small
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little like sentence and I was like or like a resilience like
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the sometimes and they pulled that one and they're like, we
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want this. And maybe you can like do a
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chapter on anger. And I'm like, oh, I just don't
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want to do it. And I think for me, I was so
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tired of being told you're so strong, like you can do it and
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get back up. And so I'm like, I want to add
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to that noise and be another voice that's telling women like
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when we are all so tired, Like just as a culture, we're tired.
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We don't want to keep going. Like we don't want to be told
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you can get back up. Like we know that we have to get
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back up. But can I just stay here for a
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little bit longer because getting backed up means I'm
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going to fall again? And I don't know if I have that
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ability to, like, withstand the rhythm of resilience.
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And so, yeah, I didn't really want to write the book.
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And and I think that rebellious, you know, way in me and stubborn
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way of me and made it really hard to like, dive into writing
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it much. So that, like, I was pushing to
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the deadline to get it out, we'll do it.
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And so it was through writing. All that to say, it was through
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writing the book that I didn't want to write that I got kind of
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the hope and the message that I didn't know I needed.
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So it's a stubborn, you know, offering to the world, but I'm
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glad. I'm glad it's out.
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Yeah. I love that.
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So you have three parts in your book and then each part has
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different myths. So can we dive into the general
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idea of the book? Yeah, so there's bawling the
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knees and ashes. And so I really wanted to make
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sure I spent time for Part 2 talking about that time where
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we're just still like, on our knees, like we're still around.
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Because I think so much in Christian culture, we put
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redemption story. We want a nice meet.
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Like, this happened to you. Like even how we teach a joke.
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This happened to Joe. He lost it all.
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It was really tragic, but he got it all back.
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But there's like 40 chapters of Joe essentially needs in the
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ashes just continue Lord and lamenting and and questioning
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like the God he devoted his whole life to and feeling
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forsaken and betrayed and all of those things.
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And so the following is just talking about different myths as
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to in regards to like what makes us fall.
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So things of blameless falls, which is one of my favorite
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chapters. And it just talks about personal
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accountability and how important that is when it comes to getting
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back up and being willing to face ourselves in the mirror in
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a culture that. And I hate the word victim
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because I think it's been weaponized a lot specifically to
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women. But I do think that we are in a
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culture where it's so easy to look at everyone else and
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everything else as to the reason why we are where we are and the
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personal accountability that I think we all need in our lives
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to be able to get up with wisdom and and substance.
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And so I also talked about the myth of chewing until it makes
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sense, which is again one of my favorite chapters and talks
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about relation and I and someone that struggles with rumination.
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Like I, when I remember when my divorce happened, I was like,
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I'm going to make sense of this. Like I need to know why he did
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this and why this happened. Then why did?
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And there came a point where I was like, you're never going to
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know. You're trying to make sense of
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something that essentially doesn't make sense.
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It doesn't make sense why this person made these decisions and
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doing on it isn't going to pull like nourishment from like it's
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not going to pull faith. It's not going to pull hope.
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It's not going to pull peace, like you're just going to be
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chewing on it, just to chew on it.
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And so those are kind of the myths and that one.
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And then these are the ashes. I do talk about anger and then
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the myth of salvaging everything, which is this idea
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that like sometimes God calls us to let things burn.
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And that can be a work of faith to to like not try to save the
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burning house, but to just let it burn and let that be a
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testimony too. And then the rising is just
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talking about what it looks like to get not rise the same what it
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looks like to not rise with hollow resilience.
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So knowing that sometimes there are things in life that can
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strip us from hope and the thing that makes life worth living,
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and what does it look like to get back up with hope and not
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like a hollow shell of ourselves?
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And what does it look like to give?
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So that's kind of how I broke the book up.
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And every chapter is a myth talking to you.
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So I hope it's like you can pick up the book and just jump into a
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chapter that intrigues you and you don't have to necessarily
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read a chronologic. Yeah, I love that because I know
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I'm not always a straight book reader and that's why I did my
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book the way I did is because it's like I want bite sized
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chapters and devotionals that somebody can pick out who
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literally has one thing going on and they have 5 minutes exactly.
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There you go, that's what you got.
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But no, I love how you have it organized.
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And like I said, the hanger issue is real and it's another
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topic I don't, I don't feel like gets addressed enough in the
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church, in the Big Sea church because we're expected to be a
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certain way. We're expected to have a certain
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composure, like you said. And if we go outside of that,
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because it's perfectly normal for us to about anything, I
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mean, when you get to when you're menopausal, you're mad
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about everything like, and it's OK.
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Yeah, yeah, it's OK. And it's like I think the
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demonization of, of emotions is really hurting us.
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And I think especially for women, like we at least for me,
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and I can't speak for everyone, but like I was growing up like
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the timid woman, like quiet and timid.
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And so I'm just not, that's not my personality.
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It's so like I'm like, is there a place for me in the in the
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body? Is there a place for me in
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ministry? And I'm only that is like, is
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there a place for my anger in the temple?
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Like is there a place for my anger at the altar?
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Because I feel like I'm mad and I don't want to go to the Lord.
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And sometimes I'm mad at God. And that's what I kind of talk
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about like this 11th commandment, like thou shalt not
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be mad at the Lord, but a lot of us are very mad at God and wants
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us to tell him that because he can handle it.
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Like, it's not like he's going to be knocked off his throne
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from us. Being like, you really made me
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upset. And so, yeah, I, I totally
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agree. We don't talk about it enough
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and we don't create enough space for people to feel like they can
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be honest about those real emotions.
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Right. And when I talk about my
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infertility journey, I am not afraid to say I was angry at God
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because when I part of the journey, I was not walking with
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God again. But when I, when I started
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walking back with God and knew that like it was the end of the
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journey, I was mad. Like I was like, OK, so this
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person can have 16 kids over here, not treat them right.
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And then this then I can't even have one like and I was mad and
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yeah. And I'm like, OK, And then you
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get people who are like, no, you don't.
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You don't say you're mad at God. You can't say that.
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Yes, I can. Yeah.
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Yeah, because that's real. And his shoulders are as wide as
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the universe, so I think he can handle it.
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Absolutely, absolutely no. That's so good.
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And I think, I mean, I don't know, like, do you feel like
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being able to express that anger helped you with your
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relationship with the Lord? Like, I think like, it's not
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like it was some magical thing like the head.
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I think it was just like, oh, OK.
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Like we got over that part Like OK, like, you know, we, she can
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be honest now. Like I told you, I let it out
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and OK, finally, like I already knew.
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It's like, OK, now I I guess we can talk a little bit like.
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Right. Like we'll take this at times,
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like we'll take it step by step by step.
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Yep, exactly. And I think that even now, like
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I don't, I don't get angry much about that anymore.
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Once in a blue moon, like I heard something said yesterday
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that kind of flipped a quick switch for me.
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And then I was like, OK, let's think about that.
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That person said that, but it was not meant to be a Dick at
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anybody else. Like it was about some something
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else. So I got to I got to nip that.
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But like, I think that number one, rage rooms are a great
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thing. Rage rooms and break rooms, like
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I'm 100% for that. Just be careful and don't hurt
16:40
yourself. Don't hurt the other person
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that's in there with you. Go by yourself.
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No, no, but you, you need to have an outlet and you know, and
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God is good for that because he can handle it.
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So and I love like you talk about the knees and the ashes
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and rising from the ashes like a phoenix has always been a really
16:59
good visual of that for me personally.
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No, I agree. I love that visual.
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And I think, I think to growing up, I thought it was like, OK,
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the ashes are just going to be gone.
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And then it's like there's something underneath it and you
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know, something rises from the from the ashes.
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But it's like, no, it's not about something rising from the
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ashes. It's about us rising from the
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ashes. Like devastation is still there.
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The hurt is still there, the pain is still there.
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And when we realize that the point is not that like we stay
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in the ashes and then it's something beautiful comes and
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then, you know, everything's great.
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In this, again, Hollywood version of the gospel, it's
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like, no, we rise from the ashes because of God and because of
17:40
his grace. But the devastation is still
17:42
there. Like I still have moments where
17:44
I look down and I'm like, that's where it all fell apart.
17:47
Like that's where it all burn. And there's still goodness in
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that. It doesn't have to be like,
17:52
turned into something amazing for there to be goodness that
17:56
can be seen in that. So yeah, I love that.
17:59
Yeah, definitely. So you talk about the gift of
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rock bottom. We've kind of started talking
18:06
about that a little bit. And rock bottom can be something
18:10
completely different for each person.
18:13
Every person has their own personal rock bottom.
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And we can look at somebody's rock bottom, be like, that was
18:19
it, but that's theirs, like absolutely.
18:23
So let's talk about that. Yeah, so actually it's funny you
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said that because I remember when I was going through my
18:29
divorce, well, I was separated for the first time from my
18:31
ex-husband. And I remember I was calling my
18:33
mentor and I was like, this happened and this happened.
18:36
And like, when is he going to get it?
18:38
Like when's he going to understand?
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Like he's going to lose everything and like it's going
18:41
to click. Like, Oh my gosh, I'm going to
18:43
lose everything. Let me get it together.
18:45
And like you don't get to determine somebody else's rock
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bottom. Like you don't get fine.
18:51
You don't get to say this is a point in which you should
18:53
realize that it's time to change.
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Everybody has their own rock bottom.
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And in that moment I was like, man, because I in my head, I'm
19:01
like, my rock bottom would have been a long time ago.
19:05
Like, and realizing that like, like you said, like we don't get
19:11
to define someone else's rock bottom.
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And sometimes we don't really know what is going to be our own
19:16
rock bottom. Like something that is not that
19:19
devastating could be our rock bottom.
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And we don't know that that's what's what it's going to be.
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And so I think that a lot of times in our culture, we want to
19:29
avoid failure so much. So we want to avoid this like
19:35
the perception of, of rock bottom that we will just like
19:40
circle around the thing and we're not, there's no movement
19:46
happening. Like we're not progressing,
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we're not going, We're just circling around the thing.
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And God's like, I need you to just like get in the pit.
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Like this is the rock bottom where I'm going to meet you and
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I need you to just be able to find me there.
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And so for me, that was like in my early 20s getting fired from
20:04
a church job. You know, I think we've all had
20:06
a firing moment. So that was my rock bottom
20:09
because it. For months before that happened,
20:13
I remember I was not living a double live.
20:15
That seems a little extreme, but like I would go to church, I
20:17
would do the worship thing, but every other day I was, I didn't
20:21
care about what God wanted. I wasn't talking to him.
20:23
Like I was diving into certain things that I shouldn't have
20:27
been. And I was just like kind of
20:29
trying to hold these two worlds together.
20:31
And I thought I could because I was like, I'm anointed.
20:34
Like I get people to let's just be.
20:36
Honest. Like, yeah.
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I'm anointed I can get people to react like I can get people to
20:40
cry. Like people I get off the stage
20:42
and they're like, wow, Shreya, you're so amazing.
20:44
And I'm like, so every time I got off and did worship and
20:46
they're like, you're so annoyed and I'm like, great, no one can
20:48
see, like no one knows. And so I'm still trying to hold
20:51
these two things. And I remember being fired from
20:53
that job. I was like, it was true rock
20:56
bottom to me because I was just like, I felt exposed.
20:59
I felt found out and in the moment I, I was like, wow, God
21:04
has forsaken me. I like he left me here to be
21:08
exposed. And one of the things I talk
21:10
about in the book is like the gift of rock bottom is that a
21:13
lot of times God will let us trip on us over ourselves and
21:18
let us kind of land in this place.
21:20
Like it's a consequence of our own actions and we that is the
21:24
Lord punishing us, but it's just a consequence where he wants to
21:27
find us. And that's really sometimes hard
21:31
because we want to be like, Oh my gosh, the devil's attacking
21:34
me or like God is punishing me. And it's like, no, this is just
21:37
a natural consequence that God is going to use to show you
21:42
about, to tell you about yourself.
21:43
He's going to use it to form you and to to chip away at that
21:48
thing that was going to take you out anyways.
21:50
And so, yeah, it was just in that just reliving that moment
21:55
was kind of hard for me when I was writing it because I, I have
21:59
just dealt with so much shame. And I remember like, it was just
22:02
a long story. Like I'd left the church and I
22:04
went to work at a coffee shop. And then I started like engaging
22:07
with witchcraft and like just all kinds of stuff happened from
22:11
that. And just looking back and seeing
22:13
like, Oh my gosh, God kept me in a chaos that I created in my own
22:18
life. And it took me like hitting the
22:21
floor and kind of dealing with that.
22:22
Like like I know we don't like the shame word, but like dealing
22:26
with that shame for him to find me and kind of change my life
22:30
season. Yeah.
22:32
And you talk about that shame. I mean that shame can roll over
22:35
people for so long. I know I dealt with it for 25
22:38
years, even even though I went, I became a Christian, but I
22:44
still dealt with shame for a long time.
22:47
And it still likes to seep in. And you're, you know, when
22:51
you've built up and know, know who you are, you can say, hey,
22:56
no, Nope, that's that's not going to stay here.
22:59
That's going to go, but when you're in it, it's something
23:03
that really can keep you down. I mean it kept me away from
23:06
church for like 14 years. I know that's really kept me
23:09
away not as long, but just, I mean, it felt like years, you
23:13
know, because it's just, it's overwhelming.
23:15
And also you don't know how to reach out to people in that
23:20
season and just how to be honest about like, I just feel like
23:25
unlovable by the Lord. And that's a very heavy feeling
23:31
to to have. And so, yeah, I get that that
23:33
shame is just, it comes from us all and it's it's overwhelming
23:36
for sure. Well, what would you say to the
23:38
woman who's been listening to this?
23:40
And they're like, OK, I am in that place right now.
23:43
I feel that shame. I also feel like I'm sitting
23:47
here ruminating on this. And when I hear her talking
23:50
about the myth of bouncing back, I'm like, yeah, people been
23:53
telling me that. So let's let's talk to that
23:56
person right now. I think that the first thing I
24:00
would say is, and it'll go back to kind of the anger is like
24:05
it's OK to be mad at two things. It's OK to be mad that you're on
24:10
the ground again and it's OK to be mad that you need help to get
24:14
back up. I think that at least for me,
24:18
I'm a very like strong willed person.
24:20
And so I felt this anger of like, when am I going to just
24:24
get it? Like, when am I not going to
24:26
have to deal with this stuff anymore?
24:28
Like when is going to when is life going to be essentially?
24:31
But like you just, you just get to a point, especially when
24:34
you've lived for, you know, a long life.
24:36
As you age and get older, it's like you just get tired of like
24:40
thing after thing. And it's like, is this really
24:43
the point? Like there has to be more than
24:45
this. There has to be better than
24:47
this. And I think that it's OK to be
24:50
angry at the fact that perhaps this is the way, like perhaps
24:54
this is the better way is learning how to ball and get
24:57
back up. But it's OK to be mad at that
24:59
has to be the better way that we all have to ascribe to you.
25:02
So I would say like, address the anger and stop like dancing
25:05
around the anger because the more you're dancing around the
25:07
anger, the more you're going to resent the very thing that that
25:11
you need to do to like have the life that you want and just like
25:14
the growth that you want. And then I would say like, as
25:17
far as rumination, I get it. And I think that we like, at
25:24
least for me, I deeply believe that understanding was going to
25:29
produce healing and understand was going to produce peace.
25:34
And I just go back to like, I think back to Job where he's
25:39
contending with the Lord and he's just like, why did this
25:41
happen to me? Like why?
25:43
Why this And all of these questions to the Lord.
25:46
And when the Lord finally appears, he doesn't answer any
25:49
of them. Like he doesn't give Job Job.
25:52
We know why Job was tested because we are the reader.
25:56
But Job does not know. He does not live his life and
26:00
he's going to his season of redemption knowing like, oh,
26:03
that's why I went through it. God just shows himself.
26:07
He just says, I was there. I put the stars in the sky and
26:10
I'm mighty and I'm great. And he showed him who he was.
26:13
And I think to the woman that is ruminating as as hard it is as
26:17
it is to hear, like understanding is not going to
26:21
give you peace and knowing the why is not going to give you
26:24
peace, but dealing with your anger so that you can situate
26:28
yourself at the feet of the Savior again so that you get can
26:32
get reacquainted with who he is. That's going to give you the
26:34
peace that you think understanding is going to give
26:37
you. And so that's what I was telling
26:39
her. And also just like you don't
26:41
have to bounce back, like you can get up as a whole new woman,
26:45
like the woman that I was when I fell 50,000 times, the righteous
26:51
man falls more than 7 times, OK, 7000 times.
26:55
But the woman that I've been like when I fell is not the one
26:58
that I am. And I think just removing that
27:00
expectation that you have to rise and look the same as you
27:04
have to rise and even have the same beliefs about God and
27:07
about, you know, your life and about what he's calling you to.
27:11
Like you can rise and you can look completely different.
27:14
And that doesn't mean that you didn't do it right.
27:17
It just means that you did it humanly and you did it I think
27:21
the way that we're we're intended to.
27:23
So that would be kind of my three-part, you know, advice to
27:27
the woman that's sitting here rolling her eyes like, I'm tired
27:30
of this. Right.
27:32
Because we've all been there and we still do that.
27:35
Absolutely. So where can people find you and
27:38
where can they get a copy of your book?
27:40
Yeah, so I'm on Instagram at Sharaya Rush and then I'm also
27:44
at on Sub Stack with Love Big Sis.
27:48
And then my book is available on Amazon, Baker through my
27:52
publisher, Barnes and Noble, wherever you get books.
27:56
I don't think a lot of indie bookstores, but yeah, the big
27:59
bookstores, you can find them. And then also my website
28:01
sharayarush.com, you can find a link to you as well.
28:05
Awesome. And just thank you so much for
28:08
hanging out with me today. And I love the real
28:12
conversations that happen with people on this podcast, and I
28:17
know that others do as well. So you guys go hit her up, go
28:21
get yourself a copy of The Myth of Bouncing Back and share it
28:23
with other people who say that bouncing back is something
28:28
you're supposed to do, just like the Weeble bobbles.
28:30
So I will talk to you guys next episode.
28:35
Thank you so much for joining me for this episode, the Anchor by
28:37
the Sword podcast. I pray that the story that you
28:40
heard today will encourage your faith, challenge your faith, and
28:44
also help you as you walk in your daily life.
28:47
If this episode has done that, please feel free to leave a five
28:50
star rating and review wherever you listen to this podcast so
28:55
that others can find it and grow as well.
28:57
Have a blessed week and I'll talk to you next episode.