Latest / Ela's Got the Tea / Creepy Encounter: Signed, I Said Hi Back
Transcript
- Ela's Got the Tea Ep. 8: With Halloween just a couple days away, we're switching the lineup today. In honor of the season, we're not focusing on ghosts, no. We're doing real life moments that stay with you, the ones that make your heart drop even though nothing technically happened. Today we have a parking lot where the scariest thing almost happens, a van that follows someone all the way home, and some of the scariest moments a parent can face. Grab your cup and let me pour. Hello my beautiful tea leaves, welcome back to Ela's Got the Tea. I'm Ela, your host, your mom friend, and this week, apparently, your pre-Halloween guide. If you're new here, three letters a week. All real from people actually living these moments. I pour, we read, and I tell you where I land. And today, with Halloween just a couple days away, we're not doing guests. We're doing the real life stuff, the kind that sticks with you long after it's over. If you're sticking around, please. Please hit subscribe or follow wherever you're listening. It's free and it's the only way the next person who needs this ever finds it. And because this is the last episode of the month, it's also our last sip of this month's tea and the last spotlight on our charity. If you were thinking about trying the tea or supporting the cause, this is your nudge. Everything's linked in the descriptions below. And before we get in today's letters, I do have a quick update. So if you noticed last week's episode, episode seven, came out late. And no you weren't imagining it. Funny enough, right after I recorded it, I ended up having a bit of a medical issue myself. And unfortunately I spent four days in the hospital. Yes. The episode about the coworker who used someone's medical emergency to go to Cancun and I landed in the hospital myself. October really said, Hey, how about you participate? But don't worry, I'm okay now and I'm recovering. And because of all that, I've decided to officially move the releases to Wednesday. Episode seven dropped on Wednesday, as you noticed, and episode eight will be dropping on Wednesday as well, which today is, I believe, October twenty eighth. Still same tea, still the same chaos. Just a schedule that doesn't require me to edit at three AM with a mug in a prayer. Alright. Let's get into our first cup. Our first letter comes from a mom in a Walmart parking lot with her two year old, loading groceries when she realizes that a man walking towards her isn't on his phone the way she thought he was. Nothing happens. But that's the part that matters. This is from R slash creepy encounters. Exactly what it sounds like. It's titled Always Trust Your Gun. Signed, I Said Hi Back. I was in the parking lot of a Walmart this morning with my two year old. I get to the parking lot and I begin loading my groceries into my truck when I can hear this man from the road talking loudly like he's on the phone. He keeps getting closer and I'm hoping he isn't coming towards me. I don't feel comfortable with strangers coming near me in a parking lot, especially with my child. I get my groceries into my truck and my child, and he comes right towards me and just stops and stares Then I realize he wasn't on the phone. He was talking to himself. He stares at me for a few seconds and eventually says Hi in a creepy tone. He doesn't say anything after, just stares with a sinister look in his eyes. I say Hi Thankful my child was in the truck already, not buckled in though, so I slam the door and I lock it immediately, and I drive off to the other side of the parking lot so I can buckle him in. Thankfully nothing happened to me or my son, but I have a feeling something would have had I not acted quickly. What do we actually owe a stranger once your gut has already made the call? So there were two comments that came in that I wanted to touch on. One comment recommended OP a book to keep it in hand just in case a situation like this happens again. And the other commenter shared their own experience, adding a bit of a similar feel to what OP has experienced and the fact that trusting your gut is always the right call. So comment one writes, Always trust your gut. If others haven't already mentioned this book, The Gifts of Fear by Gavin Du Becker, I highly recommend it, especially for women. It explores exactly these kinds of scenarios. And then comment two, which I remind you is a commenter's own experience with this kind of creepy encounter. Good job. You're so right on trusting your gut. I was in a park once on my lunch break with a coworker friend, and a homeless man was coming up the walkway holding a watermelon. It was so strange, LOL. There were several people sitting along the pathway, and we were at the farther end. I got a real bad feeling, but we weren't sure exactly how to exit because there's not really anywhere solid to go except the walkway or through some pretty thick bushes, which was questionable at best. We could have definitely left quickly and avoided him if we had acted as soon as we saw him, and I got the feeling instead I was questioning myself and my friend was as well. He suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere pulled out a butcher knife and puts the watermelon on the pavement like he's going to cut it, but instead stood up and started yelling all kinds of things that didn't make sense while waving the knife. It was scary as heck. Thank goodness a man distracted him which pulled him away from one side of the walk of the walkway. We left our food and quickly escaped by them. Boy, I've never questioned my gut since. This literally sounds so freaking wild typed out especially with the watermelon LOL. But I assure you one hundred percent truth. So OP got in the truck and she drove away. That's it. That's the story. And it's the right one. But here's an all too familiar tell for so many women, and especially mothers. Her son was already in the truck, but not buckled in yet. And she made a call right there. Shut the door, lock it, drive to the other side of the parking lot, and finish buckling him in over there. That is a mother's brain doing math in lightning speed. It's the instinct that arrives the moment you have a child. The one that says I don't care how this looks. I'm getting my baby out of here. Women do risk arithmetic every day. Mothers do it with someone else's life in their hands. And here's the part I want to handle carefully because it matters. She says he was talking to himself. She read his expression as sinister. And she might be completely right. She might Also, have walked past someone having the worst day of his life. But here's the truth. It it doesn't change the single decision she made. Women are not required to diagnose a stranger before they leave. Mothers are not required to stay long enough to confirm a threat. I know some people might say, but what if he has a mental illness? Look, your safety and your child's safety. has never depended on correctly identifying what's wrong with someone. You can go and not know or never know. And you know what? That's allowed. It's okay. And this also ties directly to the second comment, the watermelon story, because that's what hesitation looks like in real time. She did get a bad feeling She did notice something was off, and she questioned herself. She stayed in the politeness reflex one all women understand. And then a man pulled out a butcher knife. That's how fast the line moves from this feels weird to this is dangerous. And that's why this mom in the Walmart parking lot did the right thing. Not because the man was definitely dangerous, but because she didn't wait to find out. And I want to say something here that's true for many women. And especially mothers, we are trained to be polite before we're trained to be safe. We are taught to answer, to smile, to not make it awkward, and to not be rude. To not be that woman. And mothers? We're doing all of that while we're also calculating the fastest way to protect a child who can't protect themselves. OP's son is two. So when this man said hi, she said hi back because let's face it, it's a reflex. It was conditioned into her. But then she left anyway. And that's the whole skill. Not getting rid of the politeness reflex. It's not really easy to get rid of, but overriding it. Especially with a toddler in the of the back seat and a cart. Half unloaded. And the room got this one right, which let's face it, sometimes they always don't. Good job trusting your gut. Driving away was the right move. Takeaway, you're allowed to leave before you know why. Especially if you're a woman. Especially if you're a mother. Next leaf. This next letter is a heavy one, and I want to give you a real heads up before we go into it. It does involve stalking and harassment. It's told by the woman it happened to several years later, and she says she's sharing it to make somebody else safer. If today isn't the day for this, the timestamps are in the description and I'll see you in the next story. It's from R slash groupy encounters titled The Day I Found Out I Had a Stalker signed I thought I was overreacting. Hi Reddit, I'm sharing this story in hopes of bringing awareness. I am aware that some of the descriptions I made in the moment weren't the smartest. However, it is the transparent truth of how I reacted. Growing up, I thought I was pretty aware of the dangers around me. Like most kids, I grew up hearing about stranger danger. Don't get into a stranger's car, don't talk to people you don't know, pay attention to your surroundings. What I wasn't prepared for was how I would actually react when I found myself in danger. This happened several years ago during the summer of COVID. I was an upperclassman in high school and lived in the suburbs outside of Kansas City. It was August and there were still a lot of pandemic restrictions in place. At the time, I had a situationship with a guy I had known for several years. One morning he called and asked if I wanted to go fishing with him. I agreed, and we decided to meet at Quick Trip to grab some snacks before heading to the park. Because of COVID, we drove separately. That ended up being a decision I would regret. We met at Quick Trip, bought what we needed, and agreed to meet again at the park. He pulled out first and I left shortly afterward. I had only driven about a mile and a half when I started noticing a van behind me. At first I dismissed it. We were traveling at the same direction. That happens. I remember thinking I was probably just being paranoid. Then we stopped at a red light. The driver pulled into the lane directly beside me and started shouting through his window. He's trying to get my attention and telling me to roll my window down. I didn't. There was something about the urgency of it that immediately made me uncomfortable. He wasn't casually trying to tell me my gas cap was open or that something was wrong with my car. He seemed desperate to get me to talk to him. The light changed and I kept driving. So did he. I called the guy I was meeting and told him what was happening. He was about five minutes ahead of me at that point. I kept him on the phone while I drove, but I still wasn't completely convinced that I was actually being followed. Looking back, I know that sounds strange, but part of me kept trying to come up with another explanation. I wondered if I had misunderstood the situation or if I was overreacting. My friend told me to pull into a nearby business. If he follows you in, then He told me that if the van followed me, I needed to get inside and ask the employees for help. At the same time, he turned his car around and started driving back toward me. I pulled into a Taco Bell parking lot. The pan the van pulled in behind me. That was the moment my stomach dropped. He was following me. I quickly pulled into a parking spot close to the entrance. By then the van was practically on my bumper. Everything was happening so fast that I didn't even have time to think through what I was supposed to do next. Before I could get out of my car, the man was already there. My passenger door opened, he got inside. I screamed. My friend was still on the phone and could hear everything, but the man seemed completely unfazed by my reaction. Instead he looked at me and asked, Why are you so nervous? I froze. People talk about fight or flight, but that was the day I learned there was another response freeze. I couldn't move. My mind was racing, but my body wasn't. I remember trying to figure out whether running would make things worse. I didn't know if he had a gun or a knife. I didn't know what he wanted. I don't know what would have happened if I tried to get out of the car. Then he told me I shouldn't be shy because I was wearing an outfit like that. I was wearing a cropped t shirt and jean shorts. He started trying to convince me to go back to his house with him. I kept refusing. Eventually I told him that my friend was meeting me there and would be arriving at any moment. He still didn't want to leave. Then I looked at my rear view mirror. I saw my friend's car. He had been racing back toward me the entire time. I immediately told the man he's here, I need to go. The man looked behind us and realized that somebody really was waiting for me. He sighed and finally got out of my car. Before leaving he actually tried to hug me. I got away from him and went straight to my friend's car. Only after I was safely inside did we call nine one one. My friend had stayed on the phone throughout the entire encounter, silently listening to what was happening. We gave law enforcement our initial report and a case was opened. Then I waited. For several weeks I was I heard nothing. Eventually one afternoon my phone rang. It was a detective. They had found surveillance footage. There was footage from both the Quick Trip and the Taco Bell parking lot. The cameras at Quick Trip showed the man washing me before I left. Then they showed him following me. They were also able to get his license plate. Police identified him. He was in his late thirties, he was married. When questioned, he openly admitted that he wanted to sleep with me. Gross. He was arrested on multiple charges related to what happened. But then the detective told me something I hadn't expected. They were escalating the case because they determined that the man had also been stalking me. That part terrified me more than almost anything else. I had never noticed him before. I didn't recognize his face. I didn't recognize his van. I had absolutely no idea that this man had apparently been watching or following me. There was something uniquely terrifying about finding out that someone knew of your existence when you didn't even know they existed. There was one more detail that made the entire situation even more disturbing. I had turned eighteen two weeks before this happened. Had this happened just a couple weeks earlier, he could have been facing an entirely different situation involving a minor. For a long time afterward, I thought about how differently that day could have ended. I thought I understood stranger danger before this happened. What I didn't understand was that when you are actually put in a terrifying situation, you may not react the way you always imagined you would. I thought I would run. I thought I would fight. Instead, I froze. I also learned to stop worrying so much about whether I'm overreacting when something feels wrong. After that day, I bought pepper spray and attached it to my car keys. And I started locking my car doors. The second I got inside. So What does survival look like when your body chooses to freeze or to fawn? There is one comment I saw that I can't really put words to it. It's Let's just get to it. And I'm going to get to my take after this, 'cause this, like I said, is a pretty heavy one. Comment one reads Old Dad here, I think one of the most important parts of your story is something you probably didn't even intend as advice. You kept wondering if you were overreacting. Even after the van got your attention, even after he kept following you, your brain kept looking for some normal explanation because what was actually happening was far outside normal. Then when there was absolutely no question anymore and this stranger was suddenly sitting inside your car, you froze. I think people are way too hard on themselves afterward about that stuff. Why didn't I run? Why didn't I scream? Why didn't I know sooner? Because you're a human being suddenly trying to understand something that shouldn't be happening while it's happening. You did enough. You called somebody, you stayed connected to him, you pulled somewhere public, your friend turned around, you survived it, then you called police and gave them what they needed to investigate it. Could somebody sitting safely on their couch years later come up with a better tactical plan? Of course. They weren't the eighteen year old sitting in that car. And I'm glad you included the parts you wish you handled differently instead of rewriting yourself into some action movie hero. Some young woman might read this someday while beating herself up because she froze too. And she'll know she wasn't the only one. Glad you're still here to tell it. There is one sentence in this letter that I think is the reason she wrote the whole thing, and I want to go straight into it. People always talk about fight or flight, but that was the day I learned there was another response freeze. Every one of us grew up on fight or flight. Two options, pick one. And nobody tells you about the third one. The one where your body simply stops and your mind keeps going at full speed while nothing you decide reaches your arms and legs. She describes it exactly. I couldn't move. My mind was racing, but my body wasn't. That's real i and it's documented. It's involuntary. And it's not a failure of nerve. And I wanna add something here because freeze is the Psychological part. The body stopping. But there's a behavioral response that often comes with it and it's called fawn. As in deer or the other expression, deer in headlights. Fawn is when your nervous system tries to appease the threat. It's the instinct to stay small, stay polite, stay compliant, to avoid making things worse. And women know this one intimately because we're trained from childhood to deescalate, to be agreeable, to not provoke, to not make a scene. Very much similar to story one with the mother who just said Hi back. OP froze. Her body stopped. She fawned. She tried to keep him calm, And both of those are sur are survival responses. Both are involuntary, both are valid, and neither is a failure of nerve. And I wanna say this gently. Many women listening, myself Unfortunately included, know exactly what freezing feels like and how long it stays in the body and in the mind. I've had my own moments in college and beyond where someone gave me that wrong feeling. Your mind tries to be rational, tries to talk you out of it, but your nervous system makes the call. And sometimes, like OP, you freeze. You fawn. Both are survival and It is the single thing people blame themselves for afterward forever. I should have run. I should have screamed. Why didn't I do anything? Which is why the first line of this letter breaks my heart a bit. I'm aware that some of the decisions I made in the moment weren't the smartest. She's apologizing years later to strangers on the internet for what her nervous system did without her permission. So Let's go through what she actually did because I I want to hear it listed out. She didn't roll the window down. when he was shouting at her. She kept driving. She called someone her situationship date and told him what was happening. They stayed on the line together. When her friend told her to pull into somewhere with people in it, she did it. And when the man was in her car, she told him someone was coming to meet her. And that last one is what ended it. She was managing the situation the entire time. The freeze wasn't passivity. It was her body running the numbers with no good options and choosing the one it thought she'd survive. And I want to bring in that comment from the dad because It's one of the best things in the room. a father reading this saying you kept wondering if you were overreacting because your brain was trying to make sense of something that shouldn't be happening. That matters. Because it's a man saying it out loud. What women already know that freeze isn't weakness. It's human. And the way she handled it was enough. and let's talk about the friend for a second. He stayed on the phone, silent, listening to all of it, turned the car around and drove back the whole time. That's what it looks like when somebody believes you the first time you say something's wrong. No? Are you sure? No, it's probably nothing. Just pull in somewhere, I'm coming. And there's another part of this letter I want to name clearly. He commented her outfit a crop t shirt and jean shorts. And I want to say this as plainly as possible. That does not matter. It never matters. What she wore is irrelevant. Predatory behavior is not caused by clothing. It is caused by predators. She included that detail because women are trained to think it matters. It doesn't. I'm sorry, I got a little heated there because it seriously boils my blood. But here's the part that scares me the most. She says the same thing. It wasn't the it wasn't the van. It wasn't even him getting in the car. It was finding out afterward that he had been watching her and she had never once noticed. She didn't know the face, she didn't recognize the vehicle. She had no idea she had been in somebody's attention. That's the thing. Existing inside a stranger's attention without knowing you're in it and I think every woman listening recognize that feeling before I finish the sentence because it's a low hum a lot of us just live with. And she turned eighteen two weeks before it happened. She noticed that herself and what it would have meant. Here's what she did afterward, and this is the part I'd actually hand to somebody. Pepper spray on the car keys, doors locked, the second she's inside, not after the seatbelts, not after the phone, immediately. And this. I stopped worrying so much about whether I'm overreacting when something feels wrong. That's The inheritance. That's what you paid for. So two things and we'll go somewhere kinder. If you're ever the friend on the other end of the phone, believe it the first time. Don't ask if they're sure. Tell them to pull somewhere with people and just drive. And if it's you, somewhere with people in it. And the phone stays on. Takeaway freezing isn't failing. Fawning isn't failing. Though your body picking the option, it thinks you'll survive. Next leaf. Okay. Last cup and I put it last for a reason. Because nothing in a Halloween episode compares to a child screaming at two in the morning who doesn't know you're there. Titled Is This Night Terror? Five year old. Signed two in the morning. My five year old girl recently tends to scream and cries during the middle of the night around maybe two or four AM. She'd completely tune out as parents no matter what we say to try and console her or talk some sense into her. She'll do that for about twenty to thirty minutes before she kind of snaps out of it and goes back to sleep after asking for a hug or to go to the toilet. We don't feed her sugary stuff before bed. We put her to sleep straight around seven thirty each night, and she usually finally falls asleep around eight thirty or nine. Wondering if this is what night terrors look like, but from what I read night terrors happens maybe an hour after the kid sleeps. How do you confront a child who can't hear you? Okay, last letter. I want to start off by saying I'm a mom friend, not a pediatrician. So if you do have any concerns, please consult with your child's doctor. Now, having been through this myself, I can at least walk you through the part that might make it feel a little less frightening. I put this one last on purpose because there's nothing more frightening than feeling helpless when your child is screaming, especially when they don't seem to know you're there. First, this parent is paying attention and they should know it. They read that night terrors usually happen about an hour after a child falls asleep and they've noticed that two or four in the morning doesn't match that. That's a good catch. So here's a rough shape, and I'm giving it to you as a general information, not as an answer about anybody's kid. Night terrors live in deep sleep, and deep sleep is heaviest earlier in the night. The child isn't really awake. You can't reach them no matter what you say. And in the morning, they have no memory of it at all. And the strangest part, the part nobody warns you about. is that night terrors have the same kind of speed you see in sleepwalkers. Their body moves like they're awake, fast and purposeful, but their mind isn't present. They're not with you. A nightmare is different. Nightmares come in the lighter sleep later in the night. The child actually wakes up, they can be comforted, and they remember. And the detail in this letter that I keep looking at is the unreachability. She completely tunes out us parents no matter what we say. That's not nightmare shaped. A child having a nightmare can hear you. But the timing generally doesn't match the textbook. And that is exactly why this question is for a doctor and not for me. Though I'll tell you what Chai and I have gone through. our daughter has had some night terrors and they have properly frightened us. She would look awake, eyes open, body moving, but she wasn't there. She didn't recognize us, she didn't hear us, and just as OP mentioned, it would take twenty to thirty minutes. Before she would snap out of it. And there is nothing in the world that makes you feel more helpless than standing next to your own child, holding them in your arms while they're flailing in terror, and their mind is just somewhere else entirely. But her night terrors have stopped. Rose Hip's pediatrician did give us a few tips to look into. some of them were making sure she wasn't overtired. A lot of her night terrors did happen when she was two. Keeping her bedtime consistent and also moving her out of her toddler bed into her big girl twin bed. And honestly, that last one was the one that genuinely changed everything. She has not had any night terrors since we've upgraded her from her toddler bed. Almost as if more space was compu was contributing to deeper, comfortable sleep. And also the other thing her pediatrician told us, which I didn't know, was to pay attention to what she saw that day. The last time Rose Hip had a night terror, she had been watching Wicked, which she had actually watched before. She is such a musical girl, I love it. But during the climax scene, right before they sing Defying Gravity, there's a moment where a fly monkey smashes into a window. And this time she jumped. She had a tiny startle. But that was enough for to show up in her sleep. And here's the part that nobody warns you about, which is actually a useful thing in the context of this whole letter. Just like with sleepwalkers, you don't wake them. You can't reach them. And you're not meant to try. You make sure she can't fall or hurt herself. And then you just kinda sit there and wait it out. And it passes. Which is horrible. That's twenty minutes of either standing next to your child or holding them while they're screaming bloody murder and just feeling completely useless and every instinct you own is shouting to do something. But here's the kindest fact in this letter, and it's the reason I wanted it last. OP's daughter won't remember it, not one second of it. The only person in the house who is more frightened are the grown ups, which is a strange and rather nice place to end our Halloween episode, I feel. We spent today on things that were really and genuinely frightening. And the worst sound in the house turns out to be a five year old's brain doing something ordinary and temporary. And she'll sleep through the memory of it. She'll also grow out of it. And some of the scary things turn out to be somebody growing. Next leaf Hmm. Okay. I think it's time for our last pour of the month. But before we do our last pour, I want to say something. Look, I love a good horror movie. Chai and I went to see the new Resident Evil in theaters and we had such a good time. Because It's the kind of fear I choose. I sit down, the lights go down, and I knowingly give up my guard. I let myself be scared on purpose. That's the deal horror movies make with you. You get the adrenaline and then the credits roll, and you walk out into the lobby laughing. But let's face it, real life horror doesn't play the same game. And that's what all three letters were today. Trusting your gut in a parking lot, not blaming yourself when your body decides to fawn. The terrifying sight of being a parent at two in the morning. Movie fear ends when the lights come on. True fear lingers way past the credits. Okay. And with that, let's get into our last pour. So my hospital's scare last week reminded me I need to relax more, which is easier said than done. But I want to take a different step this week. Like I said, I love a good horror movie. I also enjoy a good video game every now and then. There's nothing more soothing than playing The Sims when life feels overwhelming. Or As therapeutic as knocking down a zombie in a game when your brain just needs a rest. Which, they don't really have any. So for this week, take a little time to enjoy something that makes you smile. Truly enjoy it. And since it's Halloween, throw in a chocolate bar. A really good one. And since this is the last episode of the month, it's also our last week with this tea and the spirit of children, the group that turns hospital Halloween into something kids can actually enjoy. They bring costumes, decorations, and a whole atmosphere that lets kids feel like they're part of the fun instead of stuck on the sidelines. It's the right month for them, isn't it? We spend October choosing to be scared on purpose. They spend it making it less scary for kids who didn't get the choice. So if Spirit of Children was on your list, consider this your last little nudge. And if one of these letters made you think of someone, please send it to them. That's honestly how a show like this finds its people. Not ads. Just somebody forwarding a link saying, Hey. This is us. And I want to hear from you. Not just what you made of the letters or what he made of me and my spicy spaceman outfit. But were you to land somewhere different? If I missed anything. Look I'm only one person with one read, and I'm not always right. The rest of it lives in the comments. So put it there. I read them. Also, if you got something out of today, please Hit like and subscribe or follow wherever you're listening. I know everyone says that, but it actually matters for a show like mine. It's the way the next person who needs to hear this finds it. And everything I mentioned is in the descriptions below, the tea, this month's charity, and timestamps for every letter. So you can skip anything you'd rather not sit with today. Now that's my pot, my beautiful tea leaves. And because it's Halloween week, please check on the friend who's been quiet. Walk someone to their car. Tiny things that make the world feel a little less frightening. And I'll see you in the next steep.